| CSWA PRIMETIME in New Orleans |
November 11, 2001 |
|
SEITZER: I'm here next to JJ
DeVille, who earlier in the evening was pummeled by CSWA newcomer Lance-- JJ: (interrupting) Who was
attacked from behind by that lying sneak Lance Leizure. Hey Lance... IF THAT IS
INDEED YOUR REAL NAME... you done messed up good when you attacked me, The Human
Weapon. I know more karate moves than most people know letters in the alphabet,
daddy! (Seitzer looks at JJ, shaking his head.) But your future butt-whipping is
gonna happen... just like my man Eddy Love and my man Troy Windham are going to
win against The Claimstakers later tonight! But that's not what I'm out here
for. I'm here for a REAL important reason...
SEITZER: Exactly what are you
out here for? I don't have all day. JJ: Well, Rude-boy... I got a
call before on the JJ DeVille 1-900 number from someone who says they can help
me. It was only a few weeks ago when America suffered its worst tragedy ever...
when the deranged madman Mike Randalls attacked my mentor and hero Eddy Love
from behind and shaved his head. Now, while we got our revenge on Mikey-pooh...
we still didn't solve the issue at hand! Eddy Love, the man with the bod of a
god and the hair of Cher... well, he still doesn't have his hair! But a world
famous hair surgeon called me up on my voice mail and told me to meet him
here... because he believes in miracles! And he can surgically reattach... (JJ
holds up the bag of hair.) EDDY LOVE'S HAIR! HALLLEELLLLLUIAHHHH! (JJ starts
skipping around in place, clapping his hands. Rudy is shaking his head, in
disbelief at his assignment. Then, Rudy looks up off-screen and his jaw DROPS,
and he slowly backs away. JJ still dances, as a hooded figure walks in from the
left, arms folded, staring at JJ.) JJ: (singing) Because Eddy's
hair... will survive... ohhhh yeah... (JJ bumps into the hooded figure. JJ turns
around into the crane kick position, then his jaw drops also.) MAN: Tell me, Mr. DeVille...
You ever heard the saying.... all's fair in LOVE and WAR? (The man's hood drops,
revealing a bald figure from behind.) JJ: What gives with the creeps,
man? You don't look like no doctor. (JJ stares at the man a little closer.)
Hey... in fact, you look like Mike Ran--- OH GEEZ. OH GOD NO! (JJ turns to run away, but the
man grabs JJ by his permed extensions, and then the sound of scuffling can be
heard. The camera starts to fade to back.) MAN: "That saying.... has
no meaning for me..."
(CUT TO: The
crowd. A large group of fans are holding up signs that spell out E-V-A-N-A-H-O.
Other fans are dressed like the mysterious enigma that is the CSWA's latest BB: And now
it's time for a match that I myself have been looking forward to all night. The
brilliant young wrestler Evan Aho takes on a man underneath a mask... I've got
to tell you, there is something VERY familiar about this guy. SB: Well,
his trunks read "New
Orleans"
on them... so I'd say he looks like every other stupid suck-up we've seen here
in the CSWA. This guy already makes me sick! And so does Evan Aho... not
listening to the words of wisdom from Jimmy Valentine! BB: Well,
frankly, I have to agree with Aho. He doesn't need anyone in his corner. A lot
of pundits and experts are saying that it isn't a question of whether Evan Aho
is going to be a World Champion... the question is WHEN he is going to be a
world champion. SB: And it
would be a lot quicker with Valentine by his side! Evan Aho isn't a smart man.
He needs guidance. BB: Ben
Worthington calls for the bell, and everyone is on their feet for what should be
a surprising match. SB: Why did
Aho agree to fight against a man whose identity is unknown? If he had a manager,
this wouldn't have happened. BB: Evan Aho
is a wrestler, Sammy, who prides himself on his craft. He and this masked man
lock up in an early test of strength. SB: While we
have no idea who this dude is, we can tell he ain't that strong. In fact, he
looks kinda lanky! BB: But he
has the early advantage against the powerful Aho... BUT LOOK AT THIS! Aho is
bridging back, perfectly balanced! What agility and what neck strength! SB: I'll
admit it... THAT is impressive. BB: Aho is
bridging back up now, gaining the advantage against this masked man! AND LOOK AT
THIS! THE MASKED MAN IS BRIDGING BACK HIMSELF! And this crowd is LOVING it! SB: Why?
It's just two guys doing things that are next to impossible to do... but it's
still rather boring! BB: The
Masked Man bridges back up, and now he drops down, using his legs to send Aho
into the far ropes. Aho bounces off and The Masked Man gets up and leapfrogs
over-- Aho spins around and grabs the enigma in a half-nelson (CLOSEUP: The
Masked Man's body language shows nervousness.) and Aho goes to bridge back-- no, The Masked
Man blocks it by grapevining his legs and rolls forward! CRADLE! ONE... TWO...
NO! SB: Very,
very clever. It's just too bad that I can't see this guy's face to make fun of
him better. BB: Both men
are back up. The Masked Man goes to hip toss Aho, but Aho flips all the way over and
lands back on his feet... and now he flips The Masked Man over! Aho bounces off
the ropes and The Masked Man gets up-- AHO CARTWHEELS RIGHT PAST HIM and spins The Masked Man around-- SHORTARM CLOTHESLINE! What a beautiful sequence
from Evan Aho! And the crowd appreciates it! SB: If he
had Valentine by his side, he would've won the match already! BB: Aho is
now stomping on The Masked Man viciously, wasting NO body motion in the process
as he works on his neck. Now Aho picks The Masked Man up and he picks him up and
holds him... AHO IS LETTING THE BLOOD RUSH TO HIS HEAD! TEXTBOOK DELAYED
VERTICAL SUPLEX! AND AHO FLOATS OVER AND HOOKS THE LEG! ONE.... TWO... NO! SB: Aho sure
seems like a BORING guy, on top of being a dumb one. No one hooks the leg
anymore unless they are obsessed with wrestling... and how lame and un-Eddy Love
like is that? BB: Aho now
has The Masked Man up and whips him towards the corner-- The Masked Man floats
over the corner and Aho hits the turnbuckle hard! AND THE MASKED MAN LARIATS AHO
DOWN TO THE MAT WITH A VICIOUS CLOTHESLINE! SB: Manohman...
there's no way you can learn how to hit someone like that without having a
couple of matches under your belt! BB: Now The
Masked Man is standing on the apron.. HE SPRINGBOARDS OVER THE TOP ROPE AND
SOMMERSAULTS RIGHT ONTO AHO BACKFIRST! AND HE COVERS AHO! ONE.... TWO... NO! Aho
had the presence of mind to put his foot on the bottom rope! We almost had a new
champ right there! SB: I wish
he had the presence of mind to get a clue and go crawling back to my man Jimmy's
side! BB: The
Masked Man now has Aho up in a vertical suplex... NOOO! HE JUST SPUN IT AROUND
INTO A BRAINBUSTER! HE JUST SPIKED AHO'S HEAD INTO THE MAT! COVER! ONE....
TWO.... NO! AHO KICKS OUT! SB: And
although he just got dropped on his brain, he probably gained a couple of I.Q.
points in the process. BB: The
Masked Man now has Aho prone for a powerbomb... NO! Aho just backdropped The
Masked Man over! And OOOOH, Aho just a LIGHTNING quick leg drop, right across
The Masked Man's face! What efficiency! Evan Aho makes sure that EVERYTHING he
does in the ring hurts and that EVERYTHING he does has a purpose! SB: But what
exactly is his purpose? It would be "great young wrestler" if he had
the right tutelage! But right now, he's going to be the next Tony the
Technician-- a good wrestler who can't figure out how to win matches! BB: And I
can't believe you just made mention of Tony the Technician! Aho now is stomping
on The Masked Man, pinpointing his boots right on the Masked Man's neck. Aho
picks him up and whips him in-- Belly-to-belly NOOOO AHO HOLDS ONTO IT AND
BRIDGES BACK IN A NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX! ONNNE.... TWOOOO....
THREEE-- NO! SB: Man, Aho
is SO strong for someone his size. BB: Now,
he's getting up, and Aho is waiting to pounce, like an animal after his prey! (Aho
is crouched down, tapping on his elbow.) Aho
bounces off the ropes and spins and CONNECTS WITH A HUGE SPINNING ELBOW RIGHT TO
THE MASKED MAN'S JAW! THAT'S KNOWN AS A ROARING ELBOW! THIS COULD BE IT! ONE....
TWOO... THREENOOOO! THE MASKED MAN MUSCLES OUT AT THE LAST SECOND! EVAN AHO
CANNOT PUT THE MASKED MAN AWAY! SB: But guess who's coming to dinner?! Evan Aho is going to win the match now and he's going to realize he needs my man... Jimmy Valentine. (Jimmy V, chewing on his
cell-phone antennae, walks down to the ring and pounds on the mat.) JIMMY: COME
ON, EVAN! BB: Aho,
ignoring Jimmy V., kicks the Masked Man in the stomach. And (The crowd
stands up as Aho double underhooks the arms.) Now Aho is trying to go for his
trademark move... he calls this The Ecstasy! It's a Tiger Driver maneuver he learned
from his Japanese-based training! SB: The
Masked Man has this move scouted... he's on the mat. I'd call it cowardice, but
no person wants their neck broken! BB: Aho is
trying to muscle The Masked Man up, but The Masked Man is kicking with ALLLL his
strength, and is refusing to go
over. If Aho hits The Ecstasy, this match is over! (CUT TO:
Jimmy Valentine, turning away from the ring apron.) JIMMY: Evan
NEEDS me. I'm going to finish this match for him and cement the deal! Just watch
this! BB: Aho now
elbows The Masked Man in the back, and again. He now whips The Masked Man into
the ropes! NO! The Masked Man reverses... AND JIMMY V. JUST TRIPPED AHO! SB: NO! NO!
THAT WAS A MISTAKE! (CUT TO: Jimmy, shocked he messed up.) BB: Aho got
hung up in the ropes because of Jimmy and turns around (SFX: A loud thud of a
boot hitting a jaw. The crowd initially goes OOOOOOOH and the impact and then a
loud cheer comes from the more knowledgeable.) AND IS MET WITH A SUPERKICK TO
THE FACE! THE MASKED MAN HOOKS THE LEG! ONE..... TWO... THREEEEEE!!! HE GOT HIM!
WE HAVE NEW
GREENSBORO
CHAMPION! WE HAVE A NEW CHAMPION! SB: GOOD
LORD WAS THAT KICK AWESOME! BB: AND I
THINK I KNOW WHO THIS MASKED MAN IS... AND SO DO ALL THESE FANS! (CUE UP: The
initial harmonica blast of "Ain't Going Down" by Garth Brooks. The
New Orleans
crowd starts to chant "SHANE SHANE
SHANE.") SB: OH NO! NOT HIM! BB:
YES HIM! THE
CSWA'S MASKED MAN HOLDS HIS TITLE OVER HIS HEAD AND CLIMBS TO THE MIDDLE ROPE
AND IS UNLACING THE MASK... YES FANS! IT'S INTERNATIONAL SUPERSTAR SHANE
SOUTHERN! BACK HERE IN THE CSWA! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! (CUT TO:
Shane Southern on the middle rope, fist in the air, letting out a loud
"Rebel Yell" to the crowd that is met with an equal response.) SB: NO WONDER I'VE FELT SICK ALL NIGHT! THIS GUY IS THE LAMEST! NOW I CAN'T HEAR A THING! I thought we got rid of him years ago! BB: IN FRONT
OF HIS HOMETOWN CROWD, SHANE SOUTHERN DEFEATS THE GREAT EVAN AHO IN A TREMENDOUS
MATCHUP! FANS, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK! |