Part Three

December 22, 2001

SB: (Benson fiddles with a palm pilot) (singing) Whenever, Wherever...

BB: Shakira, this is the quarter hour of the show where you seem overly excited and heap wild expectations on what’s about to be seen.

SB: Oh don’t worry your pretty little head Cowboy. I am excited.

BB: I’m afraid to ask.

SB: Don’t be. I’m simply flooding Hornet’s email address with three-dozen of the senseless forwards I get every day. The one about the wife who puts an end to her husband’s morning gas is a hoot. He’ll love it.

BB: Sammy you won’t shut up to anyone who will listen about how much you hate those.

SB: Exactly brainiac. I might have to suffer through another one of his matches but by two a.m. I’ll be the true winner of the night.

BB: By two a.m. you’ll be passed out drunk face deep in a bucket of peanuts at LongHorn Steakhouse.

SB: (giddy) I know and when Hornet checks his mail.... (wringing hands)  It’s a charmed life I live for sure.

BB: Are you actually ready to work a little tonight?

SB: I am Buckley. As the fans know from day one Sammy Benson has always been about the job. Let’s roll.

BB: (pause) Who is this masked man and why is he sober?

SB: Still me and I won’t be in the next quarter hour.

BB: Now that Sammy is with us the festivities can proceed.

(Lights cut off. "Tainted Love" by Marilyn Manson booms over the PA system.  The fans stand in anticipation.)

SB: Festivities? Am I to read into that you’ve sprung for a 5-star stripper?

BB: Geez, can we not have one show promoting family values?

(As Eli makes his way down to the ring he’s hit with a multicolored strobe of lights. Flair’s look is piercing. There was no period of working himself up for the match. The Eliminator sleeps with the look on, anything he does in his life is only to feed it.)

SB: Oops. I meant am I to read into that a thirteen year-old’s father has sprung for a 5-star stripper to welcome his son into the round table of manhood?

BB: That’s it, you’ve peaked there’s nowhere else to go.

SB: Sadly I know.

(Eli gives a slight nod to a hysteric crowd before positioning himself against the ropes closest to the entrance.)

(“All Star” by Smashmouth announces Hornet’s walk down the aisle)

BB: Sammy, I know I jokingly said it was your job tonight but I’m not going to sit here and try to put into words what we’re about to see. Tonight it’s Hornet and Eli Flair. Period.

(Fans boo as Hornet slowly shuffles down the aisle. He stops to smirk at the response. The jeers mean nothing. If they understood what he’s meant to the sport they’d kneel and pray before him. Those speaking don’t, and Hornet’s smile understands the reality.)

SB: Gee Bill, I’m glad you didn’t try to put into words what this match will mean. Jackass.  Let me have a crack at it.

(Sammy motions to someone behind him)

BB: What are you doing?

SB: I’m calling the beer man. I can’t wait fifteen minutes.

(Hornet restarts down the aisle. Halfway down Lawrence Stanley blindsides him, ramming a chair into Hornet’s back)

BB: STANLEY!  Hornet drops to the floor.  Lawrence Stanley from out of nowhere!

SB:  Obviously, you idiot, he came from the back.  I love it!

BB: Lawrence scoops up Hornet and slams him down! That back has seen an unreal amount of torture over the years! Stanley wails away with the chair! Dear goodness, the sickening thuds of metal hitting Hornet’s body!

SB:  Thuds? Its like poetry Buckley; Emily Dickinson herself never manifested such a beauty.

BB: Stanley sends Hornet flying into the security railing! The Franchise of the CSWA is in big trouble already!

(Stanley fires a series of eight or nine right handed jabs into Hornet’s forehead.)

BB: These two men are signed for a match at ANNIVERSARY, but Stanley’s let it boil over early. The Englishmen with clear dreams of taking an early lead. He’s cleaned out Hornet in a matter of seconds!

(Crowd pops as Teri Melton runs down to stop Stanley.)

SB: Here comes Hooters and Lord Vader’s twins!

BB: Teri fiercely pulls at Stanley’s hair! She’s gonna rip it out by the roots!

SB: Buckley we know the British don’t age well, Hooters is trying to make sure he balds in front of our very eyes to boot.

(Stanley reaches back to free himself from Teri, in the process he pushes Teri to the floor. Fans gasp at a pregnant woman taking a spill.)

BB: This is out of control! Stanley just took out Teri Melton!

SB: Those watching at home don’t worry. It’s possible one of the kids survived and can still bring balance to the force.

(Lawrence innocently appeals to the crowd.)

BB: Sammy stop!  Stanley exits stage right but the damage is done. Hornet is half a man, and Teri Melton needs medical attention.

(Teri is helped out by CSWA Security.  VP of Security Gregg Gethard, for once, is right there on the spot, helping Teri up.)

SB: Where’s Eli Flair during all this? The ClaimStakers have been fighting for weeks now about who kept who in check. See what happens when they go it alone. People get hurt.

(Eli sits on a top turnbuckle. Undistracted, he’s measuring his chances)

BB: Fighting Flair at your best is a ‘at your own risk’ proposition. Hornet has fought the devil and worse over the years but Eli right now, under this roof it can’t be done Sammy.

(Hornet has crawled to ringside)

SB: There’s a lot of things that can’t be done. For years I’ve waited for someone to end Hornet’s career. If it goes down tonight, chub chub I’ll be doing the Ewok Celebration Dance.

(Hornet struggles to his feet, following the attack by Stanley. He gamely reaches under the bottom rope, attempting to climb in the ring. Eli watches, steady in his resolve to kill.)

BB: Eli cracks Hornet’s fingers with his size huge boots! By the grace of God this one is now official. Hornet’s grimacing in pain outside the ring, I wonder if a couple fingers didn’t break right there!

SB: Or at the very least a nail.

(Eli bounces off the far ropes, runs across the ring and leaps over the top rope, crashing into Hornet’s back with a shoulder block. The bump sends Hornet flying into the stands. Eli grabs his left knee. There’s a price to everything.)

BB: That was insane! Eli walks off the effects and takes after Hornet!

SB: Some dope in the front row lost a $8 beer. Man I love CSWA concession prices. They’re why I’m loaded.

BB: Among other reasons...Eli guides Hornet to his feet and clocks him with a left hook! The fans are loving it and why not. All roads in this league, for these men always lead to carnage. Might as well enjoy it first hand.

(Flair dropkicks Hornet two rows deep. Fans scatter, making way for the war)

SB: Eli’s got a chair. This is no time to sit son!  Go after the fool!

BB: He is, Sammy. A fan tries to grab the chair from Flair’s arms, and Eli decks him!

SB: That was no fan Buckley...that was Billy your son!

BB: What?

SB: Just kidding.

(Eli, chair in hand, perched on the top of the security railing leaps at Hornet, cracking him open with the chair)

BB: Hornet is busted wide open! What’s Eli doing....

(Flair draws war paint on his face using Hornet’s blood)

SB: And you worry about me not turning this into the family hour!

BB: Eli stretches Hornet vertically from one row of seats to another. I’ve never seen this before...

SB: Believe it or not I have. But it was a B-grade movie with a horny midget and a talking donkey. Hopefully the end result here will be better.

(Eli takes to the top of the railing again. He leaps at Hornet, aiming for an elbow drop. Hornet somehow coils over and hits the floor between rows.  Eli’s right elbow crashes into a row of seats.)

BB: Hornet pulled his neck out of the fire there. But can he buy himself enough time to get his senses? Flair, back on the attack, scoops up Hornet and slams him over the railing!

SB: Big mistake. Eli’s best chance to win this thing is in the stands. Fight there and hope some disgruntled mill worker, frustrated with years of watching bug brain joins the attack.

BB: Eli grabs the back of Hornet’s neck and fires his head into the ring apron! Stanley’s plan is working to perfection. Flair sets Hornet up in a chair, Sammy what do you see happening?

(Eli backs up to get a running start at Hornet)

SB: In the match or the market?

BB: Eli takes off toward Hornet he’s in the air!!!! Hornet caught him! SPINEBUSTER on the cement floor! That one saved the match for sure!

SB: In any other league there would be a mat down there, but Merritt cuts corners at every turn. What the man won’t do to save a buck.

(Hornet staggers around for a second, shakes his head to try and wake up, then drops an elbow on Flair)

BB: Flair is reeling from the cost cutting move without a doubt. Where did Hornet find the energy? It’s Hornet’s turn to send Eli back first into the railing. Will this match ever make it back in ring?

SB: Where does Hornet find the energy? Ask Shawn Springs .

(Hornet picks up Eli and drops him, neck first on the railing)

BB: Stop it Sammy. Normally I wouldn’t recommend going extreme with the Eliminator, but this is a means of survival for Hornet. The former Unified Champion pops Eli in the mouth then drops him with NECKBREAKER!

SB. There’s no evidence that the neckbreaker has ever actually ended a wrestler’s career, but two things to remember here Buckley. One, it stings like a....and two, in name alone is sounds serious.

(Hornet pulls out the ring entrance steps, then backs up a couple feet.)

BB: Hornet grabs his back, Sammy he’s still hurting.

SB: If you’re expecting a tear, Buckley, then go watch "Brian’s Song."

BB: Hornet jolts up the steps, SHOOTING STAR PRESS ON ELI FLAIR! Oh man. Hornet’s trying to cover Eli. This match is not pin falls count anywhere!

SB: It might as well be.

BB: Senior Referee Ben Worthington has instructed Hornet to take it back in the ring.  Hornet grabs Worthington by the collar pointing to himself.  He’s trying to intimidate Worthington into making the call. And he will!

SB: Wow, Hornet can train refs. Defenses across the NFL could use him to garner the offensive pass interference call.

BB: Hornet’s cover, ONE....TWO.....ELI’S UP!

SB: Bit of a slow count if you ask me.

BB: Nobody did. Hornet’s up and looking around for something.

SB: The Spanish announcing table to be sure, but he’ll have no luck. The CSWA actually closes its borders.  

(Hornet, back to the apron, sets up for a suplex. He lifts Eli up, bounces him off the ropes behind him then takes him down for a Gorebuster.)

BB: Gorebuster!! Eli is split open! This one has evened up a bit both men are bleeding. Hornet rolls in the ring and he wants Worthington to begin a ten count. Man oh man.

(Worthington gets to one, before Eli pops up and climbs in the ring with a look of angst ridden determination.)

SB: Unless Bugbrain has some salt to throw on Flair’s wounds, he’s in trouble.

BB: Eli kicks a charging Hornet in the gut. Eli belly-to-back suplex! He’s taken Hornet’s punishment in stride, now he’s dishing it out again, a familiar theme for the greatest IC Champion of all-time.

SB: That’s Joey Melton and you know it.

BB: Eli DRAGON SUPLEX!! His first cover of the night! ONE, TWO, TWO-AND-A-HALF BEFORE HORNET edges a shoulder up!

SB: Easy Buckley. Unlike your sex life, as much as I hate to say it you can’t pin Hornet that fast.

BB: Eli kneels over Hornet’s face and he pounds away, digging hard right hands into Hornet’s gushing forehead!

SB: That’s it Flair, stick your hand in there and contract some sort of disease. We forget Hornet owns a mud hut in Romania.

BB: Eli sets Hornet up its POWERBOMB!! NO! Hornet flips over Eli’s back, reaches behind him, NECKBREAKER!

SB: Two neckbreakers in one sitting is bad.

(Hornet climbs to the top rope, angling for a moonsault.)

BB: High risk this has been Hornet’s game for his career! Eli’s up! Hornet gestures to the crowd, he doesn’t know...Flair’s behind him and climbing to the top rope!

SB: Hornet’s getting old in the past his spidey senses would have warned him of Flair’s approach.

BB: Eli grabs Hornet by the neck he’s going for an INVERSE DDT off the top rope! Eli rarely goes to the top rope, but he’s there taking it to Hornet!

(Eli jumps off, Hornet pushes off and flips over reversing and hitting Eli with the Inverse DDT.)

BB: Oh! Can you believe it? Hornet inverse DDT on Flair, but he’s not going for the cover. Hornet backs Eli up in a corner. He fires a knee into Flair’s gut!

(Hornet races to the opposite end.)

SB: For the kids in Romania living in poverty, do it for them Champ!

BB: Hornet races across the ring, HORNET SPL---ELI steps out of the way sending Hornet head first into the top turnbuckle! Hornet staggers back, Flair hooks him again!

SB: That’s what you get fighting for anyone but yourself!

BB: Eli...INVERSE DDT! It’s over! Hornet simply cannot take anymore. The cover, Worthington’s count is coming.  ONE..............................

SB:  Uh oh...the f....

BB:  TWO...........THREE!!!! He’s done it! Eli Flair has beaten Hornet!

(Fans pop out of their minds.)

SB: (singing) It’s a beautiful day, ba ba baha.

BB: What were you about to say before?

SB:  Absolutely nothing.  I saw nothing!

BB:  Look at that ferocious grin on Eli's face.  How many years of self-doubt has this former CSWA World Champion lived through?  With detractors saying he was never quite good enough...or never as good as the other Claimstakers.  Well, those detractors may be saying Flair has laid claim to the next step here!  

(The fans turn their attention to the aisle. Another ref runs like the wind to the ring.)

BB: We’ve got another ref down here. Don’t understand what this is about.

SB: There’s a shock.

(The other ref, early 20s, about 5’8,modestly built and spastic confers lividly with Worthington.)

BB: I don’t believe this. This ref is saying Hornet’s foot was under the bottom rope!

SB: Like I said...I saw nothing.  If this thing somehow ends in a draw, I again standby my plan to include three judges at every match.

(Worthington and the spastic ref argue. Worthington shakes his head, he’s firm in his decision. Eli joins the argument as well. Hornet slowly regains some energy.)

BB: Ohmygawd!! This guy just laid out Senior Ref Ben Worthington! He’s rolling Ben out of the ring....you’ve got to be kidding, he’s calling for the bell. This match will restart.

SB: WHAT! Wait are we technically into the next quarter hour yet?

BB: Eli’s not buying it. Flair reaches out....he’s got the idiot by the throat! This sold-out arena wants a choke slam!

(Hornet rolls to his feet, reaches in his shorts and pulls out a pair of brass knuckles. He winks to the crowd before taking a swing at Eli.)

BB: ELI TURNS AROUND JUST IN TIME, NOW HE’S GOT HORNET BY THE THROAT!! Take him out Eli!

(The spastic ref jumps on Eli’s back, hooking him in a weak sleeper.)

BB: Sammy what’s going on here? This man is not on the CSWA payroll I assure you of that.

SB: Oh yeah, thanks for clearing that mystery up.

BB: Eli bucks the idiot off AND GRABS HIM AS WELL! Double choke slam? Could it be?

(Fans are standing and raving madly.)

BB: The 6’9 former World Champ from the Bronx has them both up!!! DOUBLE CHOKESLAM!

(Fans throughout the arena high five each other)

SB: Oh baby that’s a gum commercial if I’ve ever seen one.

BB: Eli covers Hornet, and grabs the ref’s hand. Sammy he’s going to count the pinfall for him!

(Eli holding Spastic’s right hand by the wrist and start to count....)

BB: ONE.........TWO......THIS IS IT AGAIN....

(LIGHTS FLICKER... AND THEN GO OUT) (Crowd reacts in disbelief)

BB: Sammy we’ve lost power!

SB: Okay, whoever has their hand on my butt right now, I’m just praying it’s a beautiful woman.

BB: WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

(The TV wall flicker on, showing static and illuminating a small portion of the arena.  The picture on the wall resolves...)

(Hornet is inside a ring, beaten down from a grueling match addressing the fans on a house mic)

Hornet:  Ladies and gentlemen, you heard the announcer down here, and you saw the decision made by ref Worthington.  I could stand here before you and utter an official protest...I just saw the replay.  But the fact is this, GUNS just did something that he hasn't ever been able to do before...he pinned my shoulders to the mat for a three-count.  And that means that I'm out of a league that I've wrestled in for over eight years now.  No excuses, no reversals.

BB: Why the hell are we watching Hornet/GUNS from FISH FUND XI:  END OF AN ERA?

SB: Shhh. TV is on.

Hornet: This card will go down in the history books as a loss for me, fans.  There won't be an asterisk next to it, there won't be any excuses written in there for me.  (plants one foot on GUNS' back) But I want everyone to stand here and take a real close look at who the winner is in this ring. There's one man standing, and there's one man who hasn't been able to move under his own power for the last five minutes.  (takes foot off GUNS, climbs and sits on top turnbuckle)

I told all of you weeks ago, many times, that I'd wrestle this match clean.  Unfortunately, that's something I haven't done a whole lot of lately.  But you know the reasons behind that...and you've stuck by me.

BB: Can we get through to Marvin? We need house lights up. LIGHTS UP!

Hornet:  I hope you'll indulge me as I mention a few memories.

(The tape freezes in mid-frame, then begins to fast-forward, before resolving and restarting.)

Hornet:  In early 1995, I wrestled another of the toughest matches I've ever had.  Mike Randalls and I went to the limit and threw everything we had at each other, including a few chairs and an electrified cage.  A few nights later, Randalls was the more healthy and the better man, pinning my shoulders to the mat for the Unified World Title.  I was only able to get that title back by beating Steven Flair months later.  That experience taught me that weakness is the greatest flaw a wrestler can have.

(The tape stops, buzzes forward and restarts again.)

My only regret in leaving the CSWA is that I leave Mark Windham to the wolves, to those people who think that without me by his side, that he's an easy target.  Believe me, Mark is no easy target.  He's the toughest man I know.  And my matches with him have taught me that, along with the nine years that I've spent working with him, and the even longer time I've spent as his friend.

(And one more time before starting again.)

(Hornet stops for a moment, choked up, and covers his face with his hands)                                            

Hornet: (removes hands) Thanks for the memories, fans.  I hope I've given some to you as well.  And I hope I haven't let you down.  I don't know exactly what happened here tonight...(pauses) I won't say goodbye. Good night, and God bless.

(The tape fades to black, and the house lights immediately kick on.)

(Hornet has Eli in the Scorpion Death lock in the middle of the ring. Flair is bleeding profusely. Spastic ref prances around the ring calling for the bell.)

BB: Eli is dead to rights! That idiot is calling for the bell. Rhubarb don’t you ring it! This...this is not happening! The lights went out...fans I’m at a loss.

SB: Rhubarb, ring the bell and end the match! Trust me, there’s a whole lot to that speech that wasn’t replayed. End it before we find out how much was cut.

(The spastic ref furiously calls for the bell to no avail. Hornet whistles for his attention then signals him to the top rope.)

BB: This is getting worse by the second! Hornet breaks the Scorpion, but he’s hooked his legs and rolled Eli over on his back. That goof ref is on to the top rope!

SB: Tis the season Buckley, please. He’s a jolly ol’ goof.

BB: REVERSE MOONSAULT! This kid has moves...

SB: He too has been schooled in the ways of the dark side.

BB: Hornet sends him up again. This has to end. For the love of gook.

SB: Nice slur there, Buckley.

(Spastic ref mocks the crowd then flies off the TR with a shooting star press.  There's a slight pop at the move.  But some fans begin throwing debris in the ring.)

BB: THAT’S HORNET’S MOVE!

SB: Yeah and he didn’t exactly pull it off gloriously either.

(Hornet rubs his hands through his hair in disgust.)

BB: What is this a training session? Hornet’s telling the kid to slap on the Scorpion!

SB: Why not we’ve seen everything else tonight.

(Spastic starts to step through the move, he stumbles a bit. Hornet slaps the kid’s face for the poor execution.)

(Major pop by the crowd.)

BB: SUNSHINE DEL PAYNE HAS HIT THE RING!

(Sunshine stands toe-to-toe with Hornet to the delight of the crowd. She’s wearing spaghetti strap boots, a black leather mini-skirt and a pink tank with a heart in the middle.)

SB: Hornet’s sizing her up Buckley! It’s like a cartoon, his eyelids have flipped over and the words “Baby making time” appear.

BB: That’s enough.

SB: I’m just saying. For her sake I hope today is not the one day out of the month that she can get pregnant. 

BB: One day out of... you idiot.  Sunshine wants to lock up with Hornet! Is she serious?

(Hornet smiles to the crowd and to Sunshine at the notion. Spastic watches from behind Hornet.)

BB: Sunshine charges Hornet, no! Come on! Hornet has her by the hair! This is uncalled for! What’s next? How far will he take this?

SB: MARVIN GET THAT BLACK DOT OVER THAT WOMAN’S....

BB: SAMMY!!

(Insane pop.)

BB: MARK WINDHAM! WINDHAM’S HERE!

(Mark hits the ring in black leather pants and boots, with a white Mike Randalls “The Wolf” T-shirt.)

BB: Hornet cleared out of the ring as fast as he could!!

SB: Cue the Freak Part Deux.  I don’t like it when he comes. The man’s not right. He’s not right.

(Spastic ref jumps at Windham, kicking him in the gut. Mark shakes it off, knees the ref in the face then sets him up for a powerbomb. Sunshine raises her arms to the crowd in approval.)

BB: What was that idiot thinking? Windham’s got him....he holds for a poster, POWERBOMB!! Oh man that was vicious!!

(Sunshine hugs Mark. The place is rocking.)

(Back in the lockerroom area....)  

(Two peeps hold back a pissed Troy Windham from going to the ring.)

Peep #1: Not now baby, not now.

TROY WINDHAM: (watching monitor) Did you see that pop?

Peep #2: It was nothing. Like the Real World, wonderin’ why they ever cared baby.

TROY WINDHAM: (Seething) I want him.

(Sunshine rolls Spastic out of the ring. Mark stands on the middle turnbuckle facing Hornet, who’s outside of the ring gloating at the fallen Eli.)

Hornet: (on house mic) So, the prodigal Windham has returned once again. Great Mark, you’re a swell guy and great things oughta happen for you. But if you’re seriously thinking about reentering my domain, remember this. I’ve taken your title shots, your glory, even your wife, buddy. I’m just bummed that Mickey took your soul. And tonight you came close to having me take Sunshine...The FREAK that she is.

(Hornet tries to say more but the mic cuts off. He looks at it annoyingly then tosses it.  Windham takes off the Wolf T-shirt and throws it at Hornet. Hornet looks at the shirt, it’s inside-out and severely bloodstained.)

SB: Ewwww...that’s gross.

BB: What does that mean? The Randalls shirt....

SB: Who cares, I’m leaving. The man isn’t safe to be around. It’s like leaving your kids with Jim J. Bullock. You think you can trust him, but when you get home your youngest is wearing a shirt that reads, “Future Center Square.”

BB: Hornet’s a bit stunned he waves off Windham and heads out through the crowd. Fans I’m being told we’re out of time! We gotta go...but check the Tribune, call the Hotline, do anything!  All hell has broken loose here!

(Mark starts to walk out of the ring. Sunshine looks at Eli and motions to Windham as if to say “Should we help?” Mark pauses, stares at a recovering Flair, then holds out his hand for Sunshine. Together they walk out of the ring, leaving Eli behind.)

BB: That’s it we’re gone! WE’LL SEE YA IN GREENSBORO FOR ANNIVERSARY!