HAPPY HOUR Archive
UPDATED 11/5
Kneel, and bow before me. Don’t be shy. My name is Sammy Benson, your constant example of morality. I understand, you’ve waited a lifetime. Come my son, and walk with me through the gates of Happy Hour.
Often I’ve tried to put my finger on exactly what the masses love about Sammy Benson. My honesty? No doubt. My uncontrollable hatred for Canadians, and the promise that if elected we’d finally give our brothers up north the swift kick they’ve needed for so long. I mean, really…Canada what went wrong?
Anyway. Maybe the fact that now with the new digital technology, I simply look even more delicious. I admire that myself.
Perhaps, it’s the candor with which I admit that even at my age, I take pleasure in biting a monkey’s ---- via an animal cracker. That swings back up to honesty, I guess.
No, the answer is that here it is late Friday night and instead of checking the CS TRIBUNE, I’m on the LOVE BOAT throwin down a Foster’s beer with Eddy, and Sweet Melissa. "Canadian: Australian for Gay".
Yes, while the masses are clickin ads and hanging on every word I say, I’m stone cold drunk and blown away in amazement at exactly how low she can go. Eddy, I don’t know where you found her, but you’ve ruined me my good man. Momma always said one day I’d get a sweet tooth.
I was asked to speak about Hornet’s departure. But:
a) I’m too drunk to hold a coherent thought in my head, and
b) I’m not about to let a single thought of "The Greatest American Fool" ruin what has started to be the weekend of my life.
Yes, Melissa…daddy does need a brand new bag.