TH
Active member
- Joined
- Jun 18, 2004
- Messages
- 2,953
- Points
- 36
- Age
- 42
- Location
- Philadelphia
- Website
- wallsofjerichoholic.blogspot.com
Fade into a long table with 12 place settings. At the head of the table sits a somewhat older man, wearing a lucha mask, wearing a silk shirt, Flairaholic Anonymous, the patriarch of Jericoholic's branch of the Anonymous clan. At the foot sits a crotchety old man, wearing a lucha mask, seated hunched over his plate and coughing and gagging, Flairaholic's dad, Theszaholic Anonymous. To Flairaholic's left sits his wife, Joelle, a brunette woman who wears a lucha mask (but doesn't have a wrestling name to her front because she married into the family. Her lucha mask is her wedding lucha mask.) To his right sits oldest son Jericoholic, and next to him on his side of the table are Lollipop, and three of his brothers. Immediately next to Lollipop is a portly, lucha masked man wearing a shirt for a Mexican restaurant on West Chester University's campus called Burrito Loco, saying "I ate four Gordos* and still had room for fried ice cream," Yokoholic. Next to him is a somewhat well-built looking young man who's wearing a dorky lucha mask, Angleholic. Next to him is everyone's favorite ADHD addled sugarfreak Benoitholic, who's jittering around and jerking his head back and forth.
On the other side of the table, immediately next to Joelle is the fifth spawn of the Anonymous family, Chavoholic, shrimpy and wearing a Spanish tinged lucha mask, who sits there intently playing NintenDogs on his DS. Next to him are three empty seats with place settings.
AA: Daaaad, when are we going to eeeeat.
FA: We're going to eat when, WOOO! your uncle Hulkamaniac shows up! That's when I'll bring out the turkey and the trimmings and the WOOO! the champagne!
AA: But I don't feel like waiting anymore.
TA: Back in my day, we waited for everyone to come in from shoveling snow that went up to our necks to eat Thanksgiving dinner! And, and there were 45, no 46 people to wait for! Forty-six! And we often didn't eat until 11 o'clock in the evening because the snow came down so hard that as soon as we were done shoveling it, it went right back up to our necks again. And you know what, we liked it that way!
FA: I told you, WOOO! No turkey until everyone is here.
JA: You know what dad, I don't even know why we invited Uncle Hulkamaniac. He never once invited you down to his Florida condo.
FA: Well, that's because he's WOOO! jealous that I still got someone riding my Space Mountain and all his wives seem to leave him!
Joelle: Now baby, be nice. Hulky's just taking this divorce harder than his last 13.
JA: Yeah, you know what they say, 14, oh, it's a magic number.
AA: I thought that was three, you doofus.
JA: Oh shut up, doo-doo face.
BA: DOO-DOO FACE~! DOO-DOO FACE~! YEAH! ALRIGHT! DOO-DOO FACE~!
CA: Hey, will you chupacabras shut up? I'm trying to concentrate on grooming my NintenDog, mang.
AA: Yeah, way to get him started, ass.
Joelle: That's enough! I know we're all antsy, but we have to wait for all our dinner guests.
YA: Can't I just have one roll?
Joelle: No, we went over this last Thanksgiving sweetie. You can't be trusted. I hand you the basket with the rolls in them and you take the whole thing and eat them.
YA: Hey, it's not my fault that Benny broke the TV because Ang chased him into it because Benny gave him a wedgie, and I was so bored that I smoked all the weed I had for the next month.
Joelle: Hun, I told you, drugs are bad.
TA: Bah! In my day, everyone shot up black tar heroin because we all thought that it had great medicinal qualities! We were so blasted out of our minds that kept getting fired from our jobs at the coal mines just to get lower-paying jobs at the coke factory as test-breathers for the ash they burned. All my brothers got the black lung, and they liked it that way!
Lolli: Like I don't mind waiting to eat, Mrs. A. I like talking to your family and stuff.
Joelle: Well thank you for kissing up, but you don't have to. It's hell, I mean look at them.
Lolli looks over to her right to see Yokoholic has fallen asleep and Benoitholic keeps touching Angleholic.
AA: Stop touching me.
BA: Why don'tcha make me stop touching you, hm? HM?!
AA: Moooom, tell him to stop touching me.
TA: Back in my day, we were touched by all kinds of people! Our parents, our cousins, the local priest, strangers with licorice. And you know what? We liked it that way!
JA: That's great Grandpa. Just grand. turns to Lollipop Babe, mom's right, I mean, we're all annoying when we're together. But I do appreciate the effort.
Lolli: Like, thanks 'n stuff, babe.
AA: MOOOM! Benny just gave me a wet willy!
BA: CRY! CRY! Cry little girly man, cry! I'm gonna make you cry! I'm gonna make you cry.
AA: sniffling No, *snort*, no you're not. Shut up! Shut up!
FA: THAT'S IT, WOOO! If you two don't shut up, I'm gonna come over there and lock you both in the figure four until you do!
JA: Dad, we've been over this a thousand times, you can't put Benoitholic in the figure four. He just reverses it, you let go and then he slaps the Crippler Crossface on you until you cry uncle and promise to give him more espresso.
Flairaholic looks over at his oldest son and glares at him, knowing full well that he's right.
FA: bitter Shut up. Woo.
All of a sudden, the house lights go down. Cue up Rick Derringer, "Real American" at X-TREEMly loud volume.
FA: This can only mean one of two things! Either the neighbors are watching their Hogan DVD again on full blast, or your uncle is here.
Joelle: What? I can't hear you!
The front door busts open and in bursts an overweight, orange-skinned man with a yellow tear-away "Hulk STILL Rules" muscleman tee on and a lucha mask. He is the Immortal Hulkamaniac Anonymous. Following him in are two slightly overweight, but nicely dressed kids, his sons, Honky Tonk Maniac Anonymous and Brother Brutiholic Anonymous. Hulkamaniac comes bursting in, posing like Hogan does. He gets into the dining room and starts reaching out to slap hands. The only one who obliges is Benoitholic, who is now marking out like a 10-year old.
BA: YAAAAY! It's Uncle Hulkamaniac! WHAT'CHA GONNA DO WHEN... uh, uh, I MAKE YOU CRY! YEEEEAH I'M GONNA MAKE YOU CRY!
Benoitholic jumps over next to him and slaps the Crippler Crossface on Angleholic.
AA: MOOOOMMM! TEll him to stop! MOOOMMM!!! sobs
Joelle: BENNY! BENNY! That's enough!
Benoitholic releases the hold and springs to his feet.
BA: I MADE YOU CRY! YEEEEEAHHHH!
Angleholic springs to his feet too.
AA: I HATE YOU ALL! I NEVER WANNA TALK TO ANY OF YOU AGAIN!
Angleholic storms off to his room.
JA: Guys, guys, don't worry. He'll be back down when he smells the turkey.
Hulkamaniac, who briefly stopped his posing when he saw the scuffle looks up.
HA: Are they done yet, brother?
FA: Probably, WOOO!
HA: Alright, hit the music again!
Cue back up "Real American" and resume Hulkamaniac's posing. He gets to his chair, stands up on it, and rips the tearaway shirt off, revealing his size 34B manboobs and gut from being off-cycle for his steroids.
Lolli: I think I, like, lost my appetite 'n stuff.
JA: It's okay babe. You'll get used to it.
The music cuts as Hulkamaniac, Honky Tonk Maniac and Brother Brutiholic sit down.
FA: So, how's the divorce proceedings going, WOOO?
HA: Well you know what Mean Gene...
Hulkamaniac looks over his shoulder and starts scowling.
HA: I said, YOU KNOW WHAT MEAN GENE?!
The front door flies open again. Mean Gene Okerlund rushes in with a microphone.
MG: Sorry I'm late. mutters I hate my life.
HA: What was that?
MG: Oh, nothing!
HA: Anyway, you know what Mean Gene? That ***** wasn't worth any of the money I spent on her! Good riddance! She couldn't handle these second biggest arms in the world. flexes making no muscle whatsoever
JA: Well, maybe you should have taken her on a date or something?
HA: Brother, I took her on plenty of dinner dates, brother.
Lolli: Really? To like, where? Le Bec Fin? The Chophouse?
HA: No sister, I only take my women to the finest establishments. McDonalds! Wendy's! If Wendy's ain't good enough for a woman, then she ain't good enough for me, brother.
The entire family looks at him like he has five heads. Finally, Flairaholic breaks the silence.
FA: Alright then, WOOO! Let's WOOO! eat! Can I get some help?
Jericoholic, Lollipop and Joelle all get up with Flairaholic and they go into the kitchen. Joelle opens the oven to get the turkeys out, and just like clockwork, Angleholic rushes back downstairs. Joelle grabs one turkey and Flairaholic grabs another one. Jericoholic and Lollipop grab dishes.
Joelle: Alright sweetie, here's your turkey.
Places one whole bird in front of Yokoholic.
YA: Awesome mom! Thanks!
FA: And here's the bird for the rest of us, WOOO!
HA: Brother, this turkey doesn't look very good. It's not as orange as my skin, brother.
TA: You think that's bad? Well, back in my day, we didn't even have turkey on Thanksgiving. We ate pigeons! We hunted 'em ourselves, with chicken wire and shotguns, this is because they didn't invent the new fangled ways of hunting chickens yet, y'know, with nuclear bombs and... and... cotton candy. But those pigeons were sinewy and they tasted like crap, and you know what?
JA: placing more dishes on the table I know, I know, that's the way you liked it. We get the picture Grandpa, life was ****ty back in the day, and now you're bitter.
TA: Well now listen here you whippersnapper you... well actually, you're right.
JA: sitting back down Let's just all shut up for fifteen minutes and eat, okay?
Joelle: No, wait, we have to say grace!
TA: Grace? She died thirty years ago!
FA: Oh, how cute, Grandpa's Gimmick Infringing ® again, WOOO! You always took after him, son.
JA: No I didn't. He's just senile. I got this on my own (ironically enough).
Joelle: Who's gonna lead us in a prayer then?
HA: I will, brother, cuz you know what Mean Gene? Mean Gene?
HTMA: Dad, he left five minutes ago.
BBA: Yeah Dad, I told you you should have put that electro-shock bracelet on his ankle.
HA: Damn it, alright, now lemme start this prayer.
JA: No, no Uncle Aich, why don't you let me do it. It might be a little more... appropriate.
Clears throat. Everyone else silent.
JA: Lord, bless us and our meal on this Thanksgiving day, and thank you for letting us enjoy this holiday whole, as a family. Sure, we may bicker a lot, and get on each other's nerves, but deep down, we all love each other dearly, and of course, family is the greatest gift of them all. Amen.
Everyone: Amen.
JA: Alright, now let's eat!
Everyone starts digging in. Fade to a black screen with "A happy Thanksgiving to your family, from the Anonymous family," in white frilly lettering.
--
I just wanna take this opportunity to wish everyone in A1E, EPW and the CSWA a very happy and safe Thanksgiving. I hope all of you and your families have a great time and a great dinner tonight.
* - Burrito Loco really does exist. The Gordo is a giant, giant burrito that most people don't finish. If you do, however, you get your picture on their wall of fame. I have successfully eaten the Gordo. No lie. It was a feat. -- TH
On the other side of the table, immediately next to Joelle is the fifth spawn of the Anonymous family, Chavoholic, shrimpy and wearing a Spanish tinged lucha mask, who sits there intently playing NintenDogs on his DS. Next to him are three empty seats with place settings.
AA: Daaaad, when are we going to eeeeat.
FA: We're going to eat when, WOOO! your uncle Hulkamaniac shows up! That's when I'll bring out the turkey and the trimmings and the WOOO! the champagne!
AA: But I don't feel like waiting anymore.
TA: Back in my day, we waited for everyone to come in from shoveling snow that went up to our necks to eat Thanksgiving dinner! And, and there were 45, no 46 people to wait for! Forty-six! And we often didn't eat until 11 o'clock in the evening because the snow came down so hard that as soon as we were done shoveling it, it went right back up to our necks again. And you know what, we liked it that way!
FA: I told you, WOOO! No turkey until everyone is here.
JA: You know what dad, I don't even know why we invited Uncle Hulkamaniac. He never once invited you down to his Florida condo.
FA: Well, that's because he's WOOO! jealous that I still got someone riding my Space Mountain and all his wives seem to leave him!
Joelle: Now baby, be nice. Hulky's just taking this divorce harder than his last 13.
JA: Yeah, you know what they say, 14, oh, it's a magic number.
AA: I thought that was three, you doofus.
JA: Oh shut up, doo-doo face.
BA: DOO-DOO FACE~! DOO-DOO FACE~! YEAH! ALRIGHT! DOO-DOO FACE~!
CA: Hey, will you chupacabras shut up? I'm trying to concentrate on grooming my NintenDog, mang.
AA: Yeah, way to get him started, ass.
Joelle: That's enough! I know we're all antsy, but we have to wait for all our dinner guests.
YA: Can't I just have one roll?
Joelle: No, we went over this last Thanksgiving sweetie. You can't be trusted. I hand you the basket with the rolls in them and you take the whole thing and eat them.
YA: Hey, it's not my fault that Benny broke the TV because Ang chased him into it because Benny gave him a wedgie, and I was so bored that I smoked all the weed I had for the next month.
Joelle: Hun, I told you, drugs are bad.
TA: Bah! In my day, everyone shot up black tar heroin because we all thought that it had great medicinal qualities! We were so blasted out of our minds that kept getting fired from our jobs at the coal mines just to get lower-paying jobs at the coke factory as test-breathers for the ash they burned. All my brothers got the black lung, and they liked it that way!
Lolli: Like I don't mind waiting to eat, Mrs. A. I like talking to your family and stuff.
Joelle: Well thank you for kissing up, but you don't have to. It's hell, I mean look at them.
Lolli looks over to her right to see Yokoholic has fallen asleep and Benoitholic keeps touching Angleholic.
AA: Stop touching me.
BA: Why don'tcha make me stop touching you, hm? HM?!
AA: Moooom, tell him to stop touching me.
TA: Back in my day, we were touched by all kinds of people! Our parents, our cousins, the local priest, strangers with licorice. And you know what? We liked it that way!
JA: That's great Grandpa. Just grand. turns to Lollipop Babe, mom's right, I mean, we're all annoying when we're together. But I do appreciate the effort.
Lolli: Like, thanks 'n stuff, babe.
AA: MOOOM! Benny just gave me a wet willy!
BA: CRY! CRY! Cry little girly man, cry! I'm gonna make you cry! I'm gonna make you cry.
AA: sniffling No, *snort*, no you're not. Shut up! Shut up!
FA: THAT'S IT, WOOO! If you two don't shut up, I'm gonna come over there and lock you both in the figure four until you do!
JA: Dad, we've been over this a thousand times, you can't put Benoitholic in the figure four. He just reverses it, you let go and then he slaps the Crippler Crossface on you until you cry uncle and promise to give him more espresso.
Flairaholic looks over at his oldest son and glares at him, knowing full well that he's right.
FA: bitter Shut up. Woo.
All of a sudden, the house lights go down. Cue up Rick Derringer, "Real American" at X-TREEMly loud volume.
FA: This can only mean one of two things! Either the neighbors are watching their Hogan DVD again on full blast, or your uncle is here.
Joelle: What? I can't hear you!
The front door busts open and in bursts an overweight, orange-skinned man with a yellow tear-away "Hulk STILL Rules" muscleman tee on and a lucha mask. He is the Immortal Hulkamaniac Anonymous. Following him in are two slightly overweight, but nicely dressed kids, his sons, Honky Tonk Maniac Anonymous and Brother Brutiholic Anonymous. Hulkamaniac comes bursting in, posing like Hogan does. He gets into the dining room and starts reaching out to slap hands. The only one who obliges is Benoitholic, who is now marking out like a 10-year old.
BA: YAAAAY! It's Uncle Hulkamaniac! WHAT'CHA GONNA DO WHEN... uh, uh, I MAKE YOU CRY! YEEEEAH I'M GONNA MAKE YOU CRY!
Benoitholic jumps over next to him and slaps the Crippler Crossface on Angleholic.
AA: MOOOOMMM! TEll him to stop! MOOOMMM!!! sobs
Joelle: BENNY! BENNY! That's enough!
Benoitholic releases the hold and springs to his feet.
BA: I MADE YOU CRY! YEEEEEAHHHH!
Angleholic springs to his feet too.
AA: I HATE YOU ALL! I NEVER WANNA TALK TO ANY OF YOU AGAIN!
Angleholic storms off to his room.
JA: Guys, guys, don't worry. He'll be back down when he smells the turkey.
Hulkamaniac, who briefly stopped his posing when he saw the scuffle looks up.
HA: Are they done yet, brother?
FA: Probably, WOOO!
HA: Alright, hit the music again!
Cue back up "Real American" and resume Hulkamaniac's posing. He gets to his chair, stands up on it, and rips the tearaway shirt off, revealing his size 34B manboobs and gut from being off-cycle for his steroids.
Lolli: I think I, like, lost my appetite 'n stuff.
JA: It's okay babe. You'll get used to it.
The music cuts as Hulkamaniac, Honky Tonk Maniac and Brother Brutiholic sit down.
FA: So, how's the divorce proceedings going, WOOO?
HA: Well you know what Mean Gene...
Hulkamaniac looks over his shoulder and starts scowling.
HA: I said, YOU KNOW WHAT MEAN GENE?!
The front door flies open again. Mean Gene Okerlund rushes in with a microphone.
MG: Sorry I'm late. mutters I hate my life.
HA: What was that?
MG: Oh, nothing!
HA: Anyway, you know what Mean Gene? That ***** wasn't worth any of the money I spent on her! Good riddance! She couldn't handle these second biggest arms in the world. flexes making no muscle whatsoever
JA: Well, maybe you should have taken her on a date or something?
HA: Brother, I took her on plenty of dinner dates, brother.
Lolli: Really? To like, where? Le Bec Fin? The Chophouse?
HA: No sister, I only take my women to the finest establishments. McDonalds! Wendy's! If Wendy's ain't good enough for a woman, then she ain't good enough for me, brother.
The entire family looks at him like he has five heads. Finally, Flairaholic breaks the silence.
FA: Alright then, WOOO! Let's WOOO! eat! Can I get some help?
Jericoholic, Lollipop and Joelle all get up with Flairaholic and they go into the kitchen. Joelle opens the oven to get the turkeys out, and just like clockwork, Angleholic rushes back downstairs. Joelle grabs one turkey and Flairaholic grabs another one. Jericoholic and Lollipop grab dishes.
Joelle: Alright sweetie, here's your turkey.
Places one whole bird in front of Yokoholic.
YA: Awesome mom! Thanks!
FA: And here's the bird for the rest of us, WOOO!
HA: Brother, this turkey doesn't look very good. It's not as orange as my skin, brother.
TA: You think that's bad? Well, back in my day, we didn't even have turkey on Thanksgiving. We ate pigeons! We hunted 'em ourselves, with chicken wire and shotguns, this is because they didn't invent the new fangled ways of hunting chickens yet, y'know, with nuclear bombs and... and... cotton candy. But those pigeons were sinewy and they tasted like crap, and you know what?
JA: placing more dishes on the table I know, I know, that's the way you liked it. We get the picture Grandpa, life was ****ty back in the day, and now you're bitter.
TA: Well now listen here you whippersnapper you... well actually, you're right.
JA: sitting back down Let's just all shut up for fifteen minutes and eat, okay?
Joelle: No, wait, we have to say grace!
TA: Grace? She died thirty years ago!
FA: Oh, how cute, Grandpa's Gimmick Infringing ® again, WOOO! You always took after him, son.
JA: No I didn't. He's just senile. I got this on my own (ironically enough).
Joelle: Who's gonna lead us in a prayer then?
HA: I will, brother, cuz you know what Mean Gene? Mean Gene?
HTMA: Dad, he left five minutes ago.
BBA: Yeah Dad, I told you you should have put that electro-shock bracelet on his ankle.
HA: Damn it, alright, now lemme start this prayer.
JA: No, no Uncle Aich, why don't you let me do it. It might be a little more... appropriate.
Clears throat. Everyone else silent.
JA: Lord, bless us and our meal on this Thanksgiving day, and thank you for letting us enjoy this holiday whole, as a family. Sure, we may bicker a lot, and get on each other's nerves, but deep down, we all love each other dearly, and of course, family is the greatest gift of them all. Amen.
Everyone: Amen.
JA: Alright, now let's eat!
Everyone starts digging in. Fade to a black screen with "A happy Thanksgiving to your family, from the Anonymous family," in white frilly lettering.
--
I just wanna take this opportunity to wish everyone in A1E, EPW and the CSWA a very happy and safe Thanksgiving. I hope all of you and your families have a great time and a great dinner tonight.
* - Burrito Loco really does exist. The Gordo is a giant, giant burrito that most people don't finish. If you do, however, you get your picture on their wall of fame. I have successfully eaten the Gordo. No lie. It was a feat. -- TH