AGGRESSION 56: KOTC TAG: Colossal Connection vs. Impulse & Erik Black
- Thread starter DBrunkGXW
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User Poets
The Shadow Pope
- Joined
- Jan 6, 1995
- Messages
- 2,192
- Points
- 36
- Age
- 44
- Location
- Top of the Pile
- Website
- www.valeriansgarden.com
Cage in a cave
(FADEIN... on a cage.
To be fair, it's more like a tank. There's glass walls instead of metal bars, and a dish of water and a blanket inside.
Allegory? Please... I'm a straight shooter.
Really.
The only other thing you can really see is a reflection of the camera trained on the glass, and slight movement underneath.
And... go.)
"This is the way to do it."
"There are two ways that most wrestlers debut with a new company. If they're fresh out of whatever training they've been through, they start off in the opening matches, usually against a veteran underneath guy so they can prove their worth, or against another rookie, so they can both do their thing."
"Wily veterans like myself, on the other hand..."
Cough. With only a touch of self - mockery.
"...typically make a large splash with a grandiose speech about how we're the greatest thing since the pyramids, the Panama Canal, or the Great Wall of China."
Because even a lava lamp is greater than sliced bread.
"As you can tell, I'm an egomaniac who needs to be the center of attention at all times. I showed up here with a really expensive music video and claims about how none of you are worthy of polishing my boots."
Or something like that. Yeah, I'm an egomaniac who doesn't even appear in his own promos.
"I'm not here to save the Empire."
Damn the man.
"For a very specific reason: the Empire is doing just fine."
"And since I've never done things in the usual fashion, I decided not to start now. I'm glad to be making my first appearance as Erik Black's tag team partner in the King of the Cage tag team tournament. I'm glad to start off wherever this would be considered, and I'm looking forward to showing exactly what I can do."
More movement in the cage. Tank. Whatever.
"Against the Colossal Connection... maybe not so much."
"What can I say? I'm naturally a little on edge at the prospect of wrestling a team comprised of two guys who each weight nearly twice as much as I do. I may be the greatest pure wrestler of the past quarter century, but what good does that do if I can't move my opponent?"
"Don't get me wrong, Erik - we're still going to win. It's just going to be... shall we say..."
"Tricky."
"All I'm asking is that you trust me."
FADE
(FADEIN... on a cage.
To be fair, it's more like a tank. There's glass walls instead of metal bars, and a dish of water and a blanket inside.
Allegory? Please... I'm a straight shooter.
Really.
The only other thing you can really see is a reflection of the camera trained on the glass, and slight movement underneath.
And... go.)
"This is the way to do it."
"There are two ways that most wrestlers debut with a new company. If they're fresh out of whatever training they've been through, they start off in the opening matches, usually against a veteran underneath guy so they can prove their worth, or against another rookie, so they can both do their thing."
"Wily veterans like myself, on the other hand..."
Cough. With only a touch of self - mockery.
"...typically make a large splash with a grandiose speech about how we're the greatest thing since the pyramids, the Panama Canal, or the Great Wall of China."
Because even a lava lamp is greater than sliced bread.
"As you can tell, I'm an egomaniac who needs to be the center of attention at all times. I showed up here with a really expensive music video and claims about how none of you are worthy of polishing my boots."
Or something like that. Yeah, I'm an egomaniac who doesn't even appear in his own promos.
"I'm not here to save the Empire."
Damn the man.
"For a very specific reason: the Empire is doing just fine."
"And since I've never done things in the usual fashion, I decided not to start now. I'm glad to be making my first appearance as Erik Black's tag team partner in the King of the Cage tag team tournament. I'm glad to start off wherever this would be considered, and I'm looking forward to showing exactly what I can do."
More movement in the cage. Tank. Whatever.
"Against the Colossal Connection... maybe not so much."
"What can I say? I'm naturally a little on edge at the prospect of wrestling a team comprised of two guys who each weight nearly twice as much as I do. I may be the greatest pure wrestler of the past quarter century, but what good does that do if I can't move my opponent?"
"Don't get me wrong, Erik - we're still going to win. It's just going to be... shall we say..."
"Tricky."
"All I'm asking is that you trust me."
FADE
User Poets
The Shadow Pope
- Joined
- Jan 6, 1995
- Messages
- 2,192
- Points
- 36
- Age
- 44
- Location
- Top of the Pile
- Website
- www.valeriansgarden.com
Follow Up
Good morning, adversaries.
"Mystics and heroes,
The Strong and The Weak
Deliver me, quickly,
The challenge I seek."
"I have harbored in my being, for years, a overwhelming need to succeed. Much like the New York Yankees, who believe anything short of a World Series championship equals failure for another year, anything short of the absolute best match on any card I'm booked equals failure for another night to me."
Quite unlike the New York Yankees, I'm not an overpaid millionaire with an entitlement complex. Touche.
"It might seem like a self - defeating strategy, but it's worked well so far for me, and it's allowed me to earn the respect of today's jaded fan who would typically boo me out of any building I'm in because I'm not the type to buck the system and play the antagonist. It's allowed me to walk into any situation without fear and without hesitation."
It's also instilled a work ethic in me that upsets me when a show is happening in a company I work for, and I'm not part of it. Take the night off, Knox, they say. Rest up so you're at a hundred percent, Knox, they say.
That's strike two, I say.
"I know I'm not the last of this particular Mohican, but as it's my intent to be your favorite Imperial boy after I've gained sufficient momentum, I seldom seek to wrestle in tag team situations because I am only as good as my partner and our opponents."
All three of whom have remained markedly silent, to date.
"This match is not supposed to be about me. This match is supposed to be about the King of the Cage Tag Team tournament, and the established stars of the Empire: Erik Black, Olvir Arsvinnar--"
However you pronounce that.
"--and Ivan Dalkichev."
"These three men are supposed to be the focus of this match, with me, the newcomer, untested in the Empire's waters, trying to make an impact."
And the rest is silence.
"It's all the same to me, I'll be doing what I always do."
"I'll be fighting for the only respite I can achieve - the peace of mind that comes with being the absolute best at what I do in this industry."
Again.
"Even if that peace only lasts until the next show."
"Even if it means that I will outclass and outwrestle anyone and everyone that ends up in my path, while at the same time somehow falling short of the standard I set for myself."
Even though what I do in this industry... is anything.
"It's a hard path I've forced myself to walk, but I neither ask for, nor expect any sympathy or helping hands."
"After all, this path is mine, and mine alone."
Even when I fly from the path.
Good morning, adversaries.
"Mystics and heroes,
The Strong and The Weak
Deliver me, quickly,
The challenge I seek."
"I have harbored in my being, for years, a overwhelming need to succeed. Much like the New York Yankees, who believe anything short of a World Series championship equals failure for another year, anything short of the absolute best match on any card I'm booked equals failure for another night to me."
Quite unlike the New York Yankees, I'm not an overpaid millionaire with an entitlement complex. Touche.
"It might seem like a self - defeating strategy, but it's worked well so far for me, and it's allowed me to earn the respect of today's jaded fan who would typically boo me out of any building I'm in because I'm not the type to buck the system and play the antagonist. It's allowed me to walk into any situation without fear and without hesitation."
It's also instilled a work ethic in me that upsets me when a show is happening in a company I work for, and I'm not part of it. Take the night off, Knox, they say. Rest up so you're at a hundred percent, Knox, they say.
That's strike two, I say.
"I know I'm not the last of this particular Mohican, but as it's my intent to be your favorite Imperial boy after I've gained sufficient momentum, I seldom seek to wrestle in tag team situations because I am only as good as my partner and our opponents."
All three of whom have remained markedly silent, to date.
"This match is not supposed to be about me. This match is supposed to be about the King of the Cage Tag Team tournament, and the established stars of the Empire: Erik Black, Olvir Arsvinnar--"
However you pronounce that.
"--and Ivan Dalkichev."
"These three men are supposed to be the focus of this match, with me, the newcomer, untested in the Empire's waters, trying to make an impact."
And the rest is silence.
"It's all the same to me, I'll be doing what I always do."
"I'll be fighting for the only respite I can achieve - the peace of mind that comes with being the absolute best at what I do in this industry."
Again.
"Even if that peace only lasts until the next show."
"Even if it means that I will outclass and outwrestle anyone and everyone that ends up in my path, while at the same time somehow falling short of the standard I set for myself."
Even though what I do in this industry... is anything.
"It's a hard path I've forced myself to walk, but I neither ask for, nor expect any sympathy or helping hands."
"After all, this path is mine, and mine alone."
Even when I fly from the path.
Slow Pulse
(CUE UP: “Nod Scene (The Resin Scrapers)” by Monster Magnet.)
(A blurry fade in eventually focuses into a dimly lit scene involving seasoned Empire Pro reporter KENNY LOMBARDO sitting on a retro sofa. With a generic smile and the mic eagerly gripped in his hand, he gives the audience his heart-felt greeting.)
Kenny Lombardo:
Hello, ladies and gentlemen... this is Kenny Lombardo speaking, and thank you for joining me this evening.
With the thrills and excitement of Unleashed 2010 now behind us, many of you out there no doubt are ready to catch up on some loose ends that were left behind in the months building up to the hallmark Pay Per View event. So allow me to take you back to September of last year, when Empire Pro’s Aggression 54 came to Kansas City, Missouri...
(Fade to a quick edit of b-roll footage composed of highlights from said event, specifically the main event: “Dopesmoker” Erik Black versus The First as the defending World Heavyweight Champion in the cage.)
Kenny Lombardo (V/O):
The main event that evening saw the then World Heavyweight Champion of Empire Pro, THE FIRST, defend the pride of the company against the unconventional yet ever-the-unpredictable “DOPESMOKER” ERIK BLACK in the semi-final round of last year’s King of the Cage tournament. After a long and harrowing battle that saw both competitors literally fight all the way up the cage wall and back to the canvas below, things suddenly took a turn for the unexpected...
(The b-roll cuts to the moment in the match when everyone’s attention suddenly turns to the swarm of DEA agents flooding the cage and slapping cuffs on Black.)
Kenny Lombardo (V/O):
Acting on an “anonymous tip” received earlier in the evening, agents representing the Drug Enforcement Admninistration did the unthinkable when they swarmed the cage. Erik Black was arrested on the spot on charges of possession and conspiracy to distribute. Later, it was reported than an astouning amount of five ounces of marijuana was found in an unmarked black bag kept in the locker of the professional wrestling “Escape Artist.”
(We fade back to Kenny sitting on the couch.)
Kenny Lombardo:
Black was absent from all appearances in the coming months following an indefinite suspension ordered by the CEO and President of Empire Pro, DAN RYAN. Much of that time off was spent in incarceration, and subsequently facing criminal charges in the trial that followed. But then, in early January of this year, reprieve finally came for the EPW mid-card legend when a grand jury declared Erik Black to be NOT GUILTY, ultimately acquitting him of all charges.
Once again living up to his acclaimed namesake... “the Escape Artist” yet again walks free, this time even having seemingly escaped federal authority.
And now, with legal troubles finally behind him, the former Tag Team Champion is poised to make his long-anticipated return to the EPW ring. In a press conference held the morning after Unleashed, Mr. Ryan announced that the suspension has been officially lifted. Then, not long after, his name appeared in the upcoming Tag Team Edition of the King of the Cage Tournament.
Here tonight, on this very sofa you see me seated upon, “DOPESMOKER” ERIK BLACK will be joining me to give his first official interview since his nearly half-year absence from the professional wrestling scene. I know a lot of you out there, like me, are just dying to know about the man’s recent perils and his plans for the future, so without future ado, let’s get this underway.
Ladies and gentlemen, HERE HE IS... making his return to Empire Pro, the Tag Team legend... professional wrestling’s “ESCAPE ARTIST”... “DOPESMOKER” ERIK BLACK!
(Boisterously scatting to the tune of “Holy Mountain” by the greatest goddamn band that walked the planet, “DOPESMOKER” ERIK BLACK grooves into the frame, leaving a wake of smoky mist lingering in the air with every proud step. The stoner daredevil comes in clad in clear badassedry with the application of aviator sunglasses, a livid red eye-sore of a floral print silk screen shirt, and a simple white tee underneath showing the Star-Spangled Banner in the shape of a pot leaf. As he comes in, Kenny rises and shakes his hand.)
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
Kay-Lo... what’s up, bromangous?
Kenny Lombardo:
Welcome back, Erik, and thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to be here today. Also, congratulations on your recent acquittal of federal charges.
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
Thanks, man... that really means a lot to me. The same goes with all the support and sympathy that came directly from the Empire Pro community and all my fellow weed-fiends out there across the COSMOS. Those last few months of year TWO-KAY-ECKS had some serious buzzkills, but thanks to all of the fans out there, “the Escape Artist” YET AGAIN made it through another shit-storm.
It’s true... not even UNCLE SAM can stop me from SMOKING DOPE and KICKING ASS while doing it.
Kenny Lombardo:
You certainly have the Devil’s luck, Erik. I mean, after the DEA found five ounces in your locker, it looked like you were going away for a LONG time. What happened in that trial that ultimately proved your innocence?
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
Oh, man... it was truly an event of CONAN THE BARBARIAN proportions. I mean, I’ve seen plenty of episodes of Law and Order on late evenings with a pipe in one hand and a box of Cheeze-Its in the other... but even I wasn’t expecting what would happen.
As you could probably expect, the prosecution wasn’t so much trying to prove that the weed was MINE, as they were trying to prove what I’ve been boldly announcing to the entire world these past couple years... that I’m nothing more than a dirty STONER with not place in society. Well, DUH... but even though I’m what you’d call an outspoken advocate of Mary Jane, it doesn’t change the fact that whatever it was those stormtroopers found in my locker that evening back in Kansas City, it wasn’t mine. But they didn’t care. All they knew was that they had this brick of dope on their hands, and the only person they could possibly pin it on was the guy walking around talking about how much of it he smokes.
Fortunately, ol’ “Eggo Buster” was nice enough to back me up with Empire Pro’s own legal team, and let me tell you... those are some top notch guys. Best legal advice a man in my situation could possibly get. I mean, now I know how “TRIPLE X” SEAN STEVENS still walks around in spite of all the dead hookers he’s left in hotel rooms across the nation. These guys KNOW their shit... and likewise, they knew guys who knew shit from Shiva.
Kenny Lombardo:
Uh... Shiva?
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
The STRAIN, I mean. Basically, they called in the experts. Professional marijuanologists across the nation flew in to examine the evidence. Ultimately, they proved that the weed COULDN’T have been mine... because the five O’s they found in that locker room was composed of a low-quality shwag... and EVERYBODY KNOWS that this seasoned DOPESMOKER only favors the kind bud.
After confirming that the two joints in my pants and the shit I had stuffed in Geezer belonged to a high-quality strain of Northern Lights, it became clear that the prosecutors couldn’t match the bullet with the smoking gun... or in this case, the stash with the smoking bong.
Kenny Lombardo:
Sounds like the Empire Pro legal team did a good job of proving your innocence. Although the question still remains... how did those five ounces of marijuana end up in your locker room? Forgive me if I’m jumping to conclusions, but it almost sounds like you may have been the victim of a frame job...
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
Oh, I have no doubt that I was... and I have a pretty good idea of who may have been behind it, too. Not like it was ever much of a secret. I suppose I could always try and get some payback, but to be honest... I can’t really find the motivation to do so.
Kenny Lombardo:
Really?! That’s actually kind of surprising. After all, this entire mishap cost you an appearance in the final round of last year’s King of the Cage tournament, not to mention kept you in jail for the past few months.
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
Easy come, easy go, Kenny. It could just be my care-free stoner outlook on life... but I’m a firm believer in the universe eventually sorting itself out on its own.
The only reason I signed up in that tournament in the first place was to give myself something to do. It was more about seeing how far I could GO instead of going the entire distance. Am I disappointed for missing the final round? Sure... but only because it caused me to miss an opportunity to rip a hole in the fabric of space and time with a one-on-one cage match against a certified BAD-ASS like Anarky. The way I see it, a few months in the pen is a small price to pay for knowing that I accomplished exactly what I set out to do.
Nobody expected this humble and insignificant DOPESMOKER to succeed through the quarterfinals... much less overcome the then-reigning World Heavyweight Champion. Yet while every other roid-monkey in tights tried to make a case to prove himself as the biggest and best out of all the other roid-monkeys in that zoo of a locker room, the only thing I was focused on was proving that nothing is ever a certainty, and ANYTHING can happen in this sport when you least expect it.
Kenny Lombardo:
Nobody certainly expected the DEA to pull a sting operation in the middle of a show. But yes, I guess when you look at it that way, you have a point. Your success in the tournament was always marred with controversy... but you succeeded, nevertheless.
Of course, with last year’s tournament now behind us, what can the fans expect from “Dopesmoker” Erik Black as you enter this year’s King of the Cage?
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
Geez, man... I go from a cage, to a jail cell, BACK to a cage. It’s like no matter what I do in Empire Pro, I’m always doing it behind bars...
But hey, I guess it’s no big deal. After all, we can’t be forgetting that I AM professional wrestling’s one and only “Escape Artist”. I’ll just do what I do best: Blindly walk into the cage, and use my unmatched speed and cunning find my way OUT of it. Seemed to work pretty well last year. A lot of people whined about me taking the easy way out or being a coward, but hey, man... I never claimed to be anything special. Just a mere DOPESMOKER.
Kenny Lombardo:
Of course, the really intriguing thing about this year’s King of the Cage tournament is this year, it’s being featured as the Tag Team edition. In the lethal lottery drawing to determine teams, your name was chosen at random with the newcomer, Randall Knox... better known to the wrestling world as IMPULSE.
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
“Chosen at random?” I dunno about that, Kenny.
It seems to me that every time some new guy comes to the Empire by way of WWXYZ, I always get stuck in the ring with him for the debut match. First it was Donovan Astros... now this guy. I guess since I don’t give a damn about win/loss records, the guys in charge think putting their new investment with the STONER is a good way of determining whether he’s legit or not.
Kenny Lombardo:
Well, I guess this time will be different, considering this new talent will be serving as your tag partner instead of your opponent. The two of you are perhaps the lightest duo in the tournament, but I’m sure many expect you to be a formidable pairing, given your high-flying and daredevil aerial technique’s and Impulse’s reknown technical prowess.
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
Sure... but you KNOW ME, Kenny... and you heard what the guy had to say this week. Do you honestly think we’re on the same page here? Impulse is all, “I’m gonna do well, and go far, cause I have the WILL and the DRIVE and I walk the HARD PATH, and all that shit.” Basically, a really, really short version of Rocko Daymon. And hey, that’s all groovy, if that’s what you’re into.
But me? Well, I’m Mr. Apathy. I don’t care whether I win or lose... as long as I make some sort of impact in that ring and give the fans something to wonder about when they leave the arena that night. I don’t care about moving up the ranks like everybody else, because in THESE bloodshot eyes, being at the pinnacle of the Empire Pro mountain seems like a highly overrated feat.
Personally speaking, I don’t think I need an action figure on an ego trip in my corner to do the things I do. Impulse might have something to prove in that cage, but I got done proving my own points long ago when I had my stint as an EPW Tag Team Champion years ago with the best damn tag partner in the history of the sport: “THE SONIC TITAN” IVAN DALKICHEV.
Kenny Lombardo:
Of course, we can’t soon forget the standards set by the first wave of the Crimson Calling, the very first Tag Team Champions in Empire Pro history. But ironically, your former tag partner will be one of your two opponents in this first round of the King of the Cage tournament.
Ivan Dalkichev has moved on from the Crimson Calling, and the subsequent iteration of the CHRONIC COLLIZION!!, to form one half of the new COLOSSAL CONNECTION with “The Butt-Dominator” Olvir Arsvinnar. In a strange twist of fate, it looks as though Empire Pro’s tag team legends will be facing off with each other in the ring for the first time. I’m sure there are many out there, Erik, who would like to know what your thoughts are on this situation you now find yourself in.
(A wry smirk forms on “the Escape Artist’s” bearded face.)
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
My thoughts...?
(A pair of towering shadows suddenly fall over the two men on the sofa. Kenny Lombardo looks up and his eyes suddenly pop open with surprise.)
Kenny Lombardo:
OH MY!
“The Butt-Dominator” Olvir Arsvinnar (O/S):
HA HA HA HA!!
(At this point, THE COLOSSAL CONNECTION enter the frame. “THE SONIC TITAN” IVAN DALKICHEV has on his furry Russian ushanka, while “THE BUTT-DOMINATOR” OLVIR ARSVINNAR -- pronounced Arz-Vee-Nurh -- sports the iconic Viking helmet. The twin towers walk in with deep, bassy chuckles, as Black comes to his feet to greet the two of them with friendly fist bumps. Lombardo looks slightly astonished to see these technical opponent together in the same place, but not entirely surprised.)
Kenny Lombardo:
Ladies and gentlemen... the COLOSSAL CONNECTION are HERE! Olvir... Ivan... uh, thank you for joining us, I guess. Please... have a seat.
(The giants pick book-end positions on the end of the couch, causing it to bend into a frown. Ivan pulls a mighty spliff from the inside of his Japanese robe, and within moments, its lit and being passed over to Erik. It’s not a “Dopesmoker” promo if nobody’s SMOKIN’ DOPE, after all. On the other side of the couch, Olvir throws a huge, python-sized arm over the smaller reporter’s shoulders.)
“The Butt-Dominator” Olvir Arsvinnar:
KENNY of the DOUGHY-LUMBER!! It is good to see you FOR ONCE not covered in the vomit of my Oriental concubine!
Kenny Lombardo:
Believe me, Olvir... the feeling is mutual. Just... please don’t mention her name, whatever you do.
(Black coughs a couple times as he lets out a hit and offers a pass to the reporter, who turns it down with a quick shake of his head. “The Escape Artist” instead holds it out to “The Butt-Dominator”.)
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
Back to where we left off... you want to know my thoughts, Kenny? Well, fine... I’ll tell you my thoughts on these so-called “opponents” of mine.
Personally speaking, I don’t think there’s a single team in this tournament that are more deserving to go on to the end and claim the EPW Tag Team Titles than these two men sitting sitting here with us right now. I don’t think there’s a single thing I or anybody else thrown into this tournament by the Lethal Lottery can do that these big guys can’t do BETTER.
Why? Because they’re a legit TAG TEAM... not some wildcard pairing of guys with no business sharing the same corner. Overlooking the fact that they’ve got SIZE and STRENGTH very much in their advantage, they also have pretty good chemistry together. They have something GOOD working for them, and personally speaking, I’d only be DAMNING myself if I chose to stand in their way.
These guys may have came up short at Unleashed against THE HEIRS OF WRESTLING... but hey, it was a close match, and these guys spent most of that time tossing around the EPW Tag Team Champions like rag dolls.
“The Sonic Titan” Ivan Dalkichev:
I’d be a TWO-TIME Tag Team Champion right now had stupid FLOOZY WOMAN not got involved!
“The Butt-Dominator” Olvir Arsvinnar:
BAH! Should she get involved again, I will CARRY HER OFF to have her supple hind quarters DOMINATED by my well-endowed GREATNESS!
“The Sonic Titan” Ivan Dalkichev:
I would VJORK HER IN ASS as well, Brother Olvir... but I’d rather have your NORDIC MIGHT in the corner of “the Raging Russian”!
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
See what I mean, Kenny? These guys aren’t sore over the loss. They just need another chance.
Kenny Lombardo:
So what, then... are you just going to step into the cage, lay down, and give them the win?
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
Come on, Kenny... you know the three men you’re sharing this couch with better than that. Rest assured, Ivan and I still know how to give those fans a good show. Maybe it will be healthy to give the fans a dosage of friendly competition between two Empire Pro icons.
Kenny Lombardo:
Perhaps... but I’m not sure if your partner, Impulse, would see eye to eye with this position...
(Black shrugs, clearly indifferent to the feelings and motivations of the tag partner he never asked for.)
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
Well, man... Impulse was simply unlucky enough to sign up at a particularly bad time. He may want to come into that cage and do what he normally does, which is great... but he’s going to find out very soon that NOTHING is “normal” when this ol’ DOPESMOKER gets involved.
Kenny Lombardo:
I don’t think he’ll be happy to hear that, but then again, I suppose he doesn’t have a choice.
Well, gentlemen... I think that pretty much concludes this interview. Anything else you’d like to say to the fans before we sign off?
(CUT TO: A close-up of the Dopesmoker, sitting with a peaceful smirk on his face with smoke slowly drifting out of his nostrils.)
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
Ah, I think I’ve said enough, Kenny. I’ll let my actions to the talking from here on out. What about you guys?
(CUT TO: A close-up of the Butt-Dominator, flashing a grin so huge you can practically see the camera reflecting in his giant teeth.)
“The Butt-Dominator” Olvir Arsvinnar
Bring forth your VIRGINS and YOUNG MAIDENS, my people! The HOUR of VICTORY for the COLOSSAL CONNECTION is AT HAND!! HA HA HA HA!!
(CUT TO: A close-up of the Sonic Titan, still stewing over the way that bitch cost him the match at Unleashed.)
“The Sonic Titan” Ivan Dalkichev:
I WILL STILL VJORK ALEXANDRIA MALONE IN ASS!! MARK THE ETERNAL WORDS OF “THE SONIC TITAN”!!
(The shot returns to normal as Lombardo turns his attention back to the camera, briefly fanning the space in front of his face to clear all the smoke now drifting around the room like a wispy gray blanket hanging in the air.)
Kenny Lombardo:
...and there you have it. Be sure to tune in to AGGRESSION 56 for the opening rounds of this year’s King of the Cage tournament, the Tag Team edition, where you will see these three men within the cell at the same time, although given their vague loyalties, there’s no telling WHAT will happen when that cage comes down around them... but what is certain is that the newcomer IMPULSE will likely not be getting the first experience in Empire Pro he may have hoped for.
Once again, fans, this is KENNY LOMBARDO, along with “Dopesmoker” Erik Black, “The Butt-Dominator” Olvir Arsvinnar, and “The Sonic Titan” Ivan Dalkichev. We’ll all see you again at Aggression!
(Amid the smoke and the coughing, Kenny finally decides to get up off the couch and clear the area, leaving the three stoners sitting and looking up at the haze as the camera fades to black to the music of Monster Magnet.)
(CUE UP: “Nod Scene (The Resin Scrapers)” by Monster Magnet.)
(A blurry fade in eventually focuses into a dimly lit scene involving seasoned Empire Pro reporter KENNY LOMBARDO sitting on a retro sofa. With a generic smile and the mic eagerly gripped in his hand, he gives the audience his heart-felt greeting.)
Kenny Lombardo:
Hello, ladies and gentlemen... this is Kenny Lombardo speaking, and thank you for joining me this evening.
With the thrills and excitement of Unleashed 2010 now behind us, many of you out there no doubt are ready to catch up on some loose ends that were left behind in the months building up to the hallmark Pay Per View event. So allow me to take you back to September of last year, when Empire Pro’s Aggression 54 came to Kansas City, Missouri...
(Fade to a quick edit of b-roll footage composed of highlights from said event, specifically the main event: “Dopesmoker” Erik Black versus The First as the defending World Heavyweight Champion in the cage.)
Kenny Lombardo (V/O):
The main event that evening saw the then World Heavyweight Champion of Empire Pro, THE FIRST, defend the pride of the company against the unconventional yet ever-the-unpredictable “DOPESMOKER” ERIK BLACK in the semi-final round of last year’s King of the Cage tournament. After a long and harrowing battle that saw both competitors literally fight all the way up the cage wall and back to the canvas below, things suddenly took a turn for the unexpected...
(The b-roll cuts to the moment in the match when everyone’s attention suddenly turns to the swarm of DEA agents flooding the cage and slapping cuffs on Black.)
Kenny Lombardo (V/O):
Acting on an “anonymous tip” received earlier in the evening, agents representing the Drug Enforcement Admninistration did the unthinkable when they swarmed the cage. Erik Black was arrested on the spot on charges of possession and conspiracy to distribute. Later, it was reported than an astouning amount of five ounces of marijuana was found in an unmarked black bag kept in the locker of the professional wrestling “Escape Artist.”
(We fade back to Kenny sitting on the couch.)
Kenny Lombardo:
Black was absent from all appearances in the coming months following an indefinite suspension ordered by the CEO and President of Empire Pro, DAN RYAN. Much of that time off was spent in incarceration, and subsequently facing criminal charges in the trial that followed. But then, in early January of this year, reprieve finally came for the EPW mid-card legend when a grand jury declared Erik Black to be NOT GUILTY, ultimately acquitting him of all charges.
Once again living up to his acclaimed namesake... “the Escape Artist” yet again walks free, this time even having seemingly escaped federal authority.
And now, with legal troubles finally behind him, the former Tag Team Champion is poised to make his long-anticipated return to the EPW ring. In a press conference held the morning after Unleashed, Mr. Ryan announced that the suspension has been officially lifted. Then, not long after, his name appeared in the upcoming Tag Team Edition of the King of the Cage Tournament.
Here tonight, on this very sofa you see me seated upon, “DOPESMOKER” ERIK BLACK will be joining me to give his first official interview since his nearly half-year absence from the professional wrestling scene. I know a lot of you out there, like me, are just dying to know about the man’s recent perils and his plans for the future, so without future ado, let’s get this underway.
Ladies and gentlemen, HERE HE IS... making his return to Empire Pro, the Tag Team legend... professional wrestling’s “ESCAPE ARTIST”... “DOPESMOKER” ERIK BLACK!
(Boisterously scatting to the tune of “Holy Mountain” by the greatest goddamn band that walked the planet, “DOPESMOKER” ERIK BLACK grooves into the frame, leaving a wake of smoky mist lingering in the air with every proud step. The stoner daredevil comes in clad in clear badassedry with the application of aviator sunglasses, a livid red eye-sore of a floral print silk screen shirt, and a simple white tee underneath showing the Star-Spangled Banner in the shape of a pot leaf. As he comes in, Kenny rises and shakes his hand.)
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
Kay-Lo... what’s up, bromangous?
Kenny Lombardo:
Welcome back, Erik, and thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to be here today. Also, congratulations on your recent acquittal of federal charges.
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
Thanks, man... that really means a lot to me. The same goes with all the support and sympathy that came directly from the Empire Pro community and all my fellow weed-fiends out there across the COSMOS. Those last few months of year TWO-KAY-ECKS had some serious buzzkills, but thanks to all of the fans out there, “the Escape Artist” YET AGAIN made it through another shit-storm.
It’s true... not even UNCLE SAM can stop me from SMOKING DOPE and KICKING ASS while doing it.
Kenny Lombardo:
You certainly have the Devil’s luck, Erik. I mean, after the DEA found five ounces in your locker, it looked like you were going away for a LONG time. What happened in that trial that ultimately proved your innocence?
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
Oh, man... it was truly an event of CONAN THE BARBARIAN proportions. I mean, I’ve seen plenty of episodes of Law and Order on late evenings with a pipe in one hand and a box of Cheeze-Its in the other... but even I wasn’t expecting what would happen.
As you could probably expect, the prosecution wasn’t so much trying to prove that the weed was MINE, as they were trying to prove what I’ve been boldly announcing to the entire world these past couple years... that I’m nothing more than a dirty STONER with not place in society. Well, DUH... but even though I’m what you’d call an outspoken advocate of Mary Jane, it doesn’t change the fact that whatever it was those stormtroopers found in my locker that evening back in Kansas City, it wasn’t mine. But they didn’t care. All they knew was that they had this brick of dope on their hands, and the only person they could possibly pin it on was the guy walking around talking about how much of it he smokes.
Fortunately, ol’ “Eggo Buster” was nice enough to back me up with Empire Pro’s own legal team, and let me tell you... those are some top notch guys. Best legal advice a man in my situation could possibly get. I mean, now I know how “TRIPLE X” SEAN STEVENS still walks around in spite of all the dead hookers he’s left in hotel rooms across the nation. These guys KNOW their shit... and likewise, they knew guys who knew shit from Shiva.
Kenny Lombardo:
Uh... Shiva?
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
The STRAIN, I mean. Basically, they called in the experts. Professional marijuanologists across the nation flew in to examine the evidence. Ultimately, they proved that the weed COULDN’T have been mine... because the five O’s they found in that locker room was composed of a low-quality shwag... and EVERYBODY KNOWS that this seasoned DOPESMOKER only favors the kind bud.
After confirming that the two joints in my pants and the shit I had stuffed in Geezer belonged to a high-quality strain of Northern Lights, it became clear that the prosecutors couldn’t match the bullet with the smoking gun... or in this case, the stash with the smoking bong.
Kenny Lombardo:
Sounds like the Empire Pro legal team did a good job of proving your innocence. Although the question still remains... how did those five ounces of marijuana end up in your locker room? Forgive me if I’m jumping to conclusions, but it almost sounds like you may have been the victim of a frame job...
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
Oh, I have no doubt that I was... and I have a pretty good idea of who may have been behind it, too. Not like it was ever much of a secret. I suppose I could always try and get some payback, but to be honest... I can’t really find the motivation to do so.
Kenny Lombardo:
Really?! That’s actually kind of surprising. After all, this entire mishap cost you an appearance in the final round of last year’s King of the Cage tournament, not to mention kept you in jail for the past few months.
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
Easy come, easy go, Kenny. It could just be my care-free stoner outlook on life... but I’m a firm believer in the universe eventually sorting itself out on its own.
The only reason I signed up in that tournament in the first place was to give myself something to do. It was more about seeing how far I could GO instead of going the entire distance. Am I disappointed for missing the final round? Sure... but only because it caused me to miss an opportunity to rip a hole in the fabric of space and time with a one-on-one cage match against a certified BAD-ASS like Anarky. The way I see it, a few months in the pen is a small price to pay for knowing that I accomplished exactly what I set out to do.
Nobody expected this humble and insignificant DOPESMOKER to succeed through the quarterfinals... much less overcome the then-reigning World Heavyweight Champion. Yet while every other roid-monkey in tights tried to make a case to prove himself as the biggest and best out of all the other roid-monkeys in that zoo of a locker room, the only thing I was focused on was proving that nothing is ever a certainty, and ANYTHING can happen in this sport when you least expect it.
Kenny Lombardo:
Nobody certainly expected the DEA to pull a sting operation in the middle of a show. But yes, I guess when you look at it that way, you have a point. Your success in the tournament was always marred with controversy... but you succeeded, nevertheless.
Of course, with last year’s tournament now behind us, what can the fans expect from “Dopesmoker” Erik Black as you enter this year’s King of the Cage?
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
Geez, man... I go from a cage, to a jail cell, BACK to a cage. It’s like no matter what I do in Empire Pro, I’m always doing it behind bars...
But hey, I guess it’s no big deal. After all, we can’t be forgetting that I AM professional wrestling’s one and only “Escape Artist”. I’ll just do what I do best: Blindly walk into the cage, and use my unmatched speed and cunning find my way OUT of it. Seemed to work pretty well last year. A lot of people whined about me taking the easy way out or being a coward, but hey, man... I never claimed to be anything special. Just a mere DOPESMOKER.
Kenny Lombardo:
Of course, the really intriguing thing about this year’s King of the Cage tournament is this year, it’s being featured as the Tag Team edition. In the lethal lottery drawing to determine teams, your name was chosen at random with the newcomer, Randall Knox... better known to the wrestling world as IMPULSE.
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
“Chosen at random?” I dunno about that, Kenny.
It seems to me that every time some new guy comes to the Empire by way of WWXYZ, I always get stuck in the ring with him for the debut match. First it was Donovan Astros... now this guy. I guess since I don’t give a damn about win/loss records, the guys in charge think putting their new investment with the STONER is a good way of determining whether he’s legit or not.
Kenny Lombardo:
Well, I guess this time will be different, considering this new talent will be serving as your tag partner instead of your opponent. The two of you are perhaps the lightest duo in the tournament, but I’m sure many expect you to be a formidable pairing, given your high-flying and daredevil aerial technique’s and Impulse’s reknown technical prowess.
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
Sure... but you KNOW ME, Kenny... and you heard what the guy had to say this week. Do you honestly think we’re on the same page here? Impulse is all, “I’m gonna do well, and go far, cause I have the WILL and the DRIVE and I walk the HARD PATH, and all that shit.” Basically, a really, really short version of Rocko Daymon. And hey, that’s all groovy, if that’s what you’re into.
But me? Well, I’m Mr. Apathy. I don’t care whether I win or lose... as long as I make some sort of impact in that ring and give the fans something to wonder about when they leave the arena that night. I don’t care about moving up the ranks like everybody else, because in THESE bloodshot eyes, being at the pinnacle of the Empire Pro mountain seems like a highly overrated feat.
Personally speaking, I don’t think I need an action figure on an ego trip in my corner to do the things I do. Impulse might have something to prove in that cage, but I got done proving my own points long ago when I had my stint as an EPW Tag Team Champion years ago with the best damn tag partner in the history of the sport: “THE SONIC TITAN” IVAN DALKICHEV.
Kenny Lombardo:
Of course, we can’t soon forget the standards set by the first wave of the Crimson Calling, the very first Tag Team Champions in Empire Pro history. But ironically, your former tag partner will be one of your two opponents in this first round of the King of the Cage tournament.
Ivan Dalkichev has moved on from the Crimson Calling, and the subsequent iteration of the CHRONIC COLLIZION!!, to form one half of the new COLOSSAL CONNECTION with “The Butt-Dominator” Olvir Arsvinnar. In a strange twist of fate, it looks as though Empire Pro’s tag team legends will be facing off with each other in the ring for the first time. I’m sure there are many out there, Erik, who would like to know what your thoughts are on this situation you now find yourself in.
(A wry smirk forms on “the Escape Artist’s” bearded face.)
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
My thoughts...?
(A pair of towering shadows suddenly fall over the two men on the sofa. Kenny Lombardo looks up and his eyes suddenly pop open with surprise.)
Kenny Lombardo:
OH MY!
“The Butt-Dominator” Olvir Arsvinnar (O/S):
HA HA HA HA!!
(At this point, THE COLOSSAL CONNECTION enter the frame. “THE SONIC TITAN” IVAN DALKICHEV has on his furry Russian ushanka, while “THE BUTT-DOMINATOR” OLVIR ARSVINNAR -- pronounced Arz-Vee-Nurh -- sports the iconic Viking helmet. The twin towers walk in with deep, bassy chuckles, as Black comes to his feet to greet the two of them with friendly fist bumps. Lombardo looks slightly astonished to see these technical opponent together in the same place, but not entirely surprised.)
Kenny Lombardo:
Ladies and gentlemen... the COLOSSAL CONNECTION are HERE! Olvir... Ivan... uh, thank you for joining us, I guess. Please... have a seat.
(The giants pick book-end positions on the end of the couch, causing it to bend into a frown. Ivan pulls a mighty spliff from the inside of his Japanese robe, and within moments, its lit and being passed over to Erik. It’s not a “Dopesmoker” promo if nobody’s SMOKIN’ DOPE, after all. On the other side of the couch, Olvir throws a huge, python-sized arm over the smaller reporter’s shoulders.)
“The Butt-Dominator” Olvir Arsvinnar:
KENNY of the DOUGHY-LUMBER!! It is good to see you FOR ONCE not covered in the vomit of my Oriental concubine!
Kenny Lombardo:
Believe me, Olvir... the feeling is mutual. Just... please don’t mention her name, whatever you do.
(Black coughs a couple times as he lets out a hit and offers a pass to the reporter, who turns it down with a quick shake of his head. “The Escape Artist” instead holds it out to “The Butt-Dominator”.)
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
Back to where we left off... you want to know my thoughts, Kenny? Well, fine... I’ll tell you my thoughts on these so-called “opponents” of mine.
Personally speaking, I don’t think there’s a single team in this tournament that are more deserving to go on to the end and claim the EPW Tag Team Titles than these two men sitting sitting here with us right now. I don’t think there’s a single thing I or anybody else thrown into this tournament by the Lethal Lottery can do that these big guys can’t do BETTER.
Why? Because they’re a legit TAG TEAM... not some wildcard pairing of guys with no business sharing the same corner. Overlooking the fact that they’ve got SIZE and STRENGTH very much in their advantage, they also have pretty good chemistry together. They have something GOOD working for them, and personally speaking, I’d only be DAMNING myself if I chose to stand in their way.
These guys may have came up short at Unleashed against THE HEIRS OF WRESTLING... but hey, it was a close match, and these guys spent most of that time tossing around the EPW Tag Team Champions like rag dolls.
“The Sonic Titan” Ivan Dalkichev:
I’d be a TWO-TIME Tag Team Champion right now had stupid FLOOZY WOMAN not got involved!
“The Butt-Dominator” Olvir Arsvinnar:
BAH! Should she get involved again, I will CARRY HER OFF to have her supple hind quarters DOMINATED by my well-endowed GREATNESS!
“The Sonic Titan” Ivan Dalkichev:
I would VJORK HER IN ASS as well, Brother Olvir... but I’d rather have your NORDIC MIGHT in the corner of “the Raging Russian”!
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
See what I mean, Kenny? These guys aren’t sore over the loss. They just need another chance.
Kenny Lombardo:
So what, then... are you just going to step into the cage, lay down, and give them the win?
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
Come on, Kenny... you know the three men you’re sharing this couch with better than that. Rest assured, Ivan and I still know how to give those fans a good show. Maybe it will be healthy to give the fans a dosage of friendly competition between two Empire Pro icons.
Kenny Lombardo:
Perhaps... but I’m not sure if your partner, Impulse, would see eye to eye with this position...
(Black shrugs, clearly indifferent to the feelings and motivations of the tag partner he never asked for.)
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
Well, man... Impulse was simply unlucky enough to sign up at a particularly bad time. He may want to come into that cage and do what he normally does, which is great... but he’s going to find out very soon that NOTHING is “normal” when this ol’ DOPESMOKER gets involved.
Kenny Lombardo:
I don’t think he’ll be happy to hear that, but then again, I suppose he doesn’t have a choice.
Well, gentlemen... I think that pretty much concludes this interview. Anything else you’d like to say to the fans before we sign off?
(CUT TO: A close-up of the Dopesmoker, sitting with a peaceful smirk on his face with smoke slowly drifting out of his nostrils.)
“Dopesmoker” Erik Black:
Ah, I think I’ve said enough, Kenny. I’ll let my actions to the talking from here on out. What about you guys?
(CUT TO: A close-up of the Butt-Dominator, flashing a grin so huge you can practically see the camera reflecting in his giant teeth.)
“The Butt-Dominator” Olvir Arsvinnar
Bring forth your VIRGINS and YOUNG MAIDENS, my people! The HOUR of VICTORY for the COLOSSAL CONNECTION is AT HAND!! HA HA HA HA!!
(CUT TO: A close-up of the Sonic Titan, still stewing over the way that bitch cost him the match at Unleashed.)
“The Sonic Titan” Ivan Dalkichev:
I WILL STILL VJORK ALEXANDRIA MALONE IN ASS!! MARK THE ETERNAL WORDS OF “THE SONIC TITAN”!!
(The shot returns to normal as Lombardo turns his attention back to the camera, briefly fanning the space in front of his face to clear all the smoke now drifting around the room like a wispy gray blanket hanging in the air.)
Kenny Lombardo:
...and there you have it. Be sure to tune in to AGGRESSION 56 for the opening rounds of this year’s King of the Cage tournament, the Tag Team edition, where you will see these three men within the cell at the same time, although given their vague loyalties, there’s no telling WHAT will happen when that cage comes down around them... but what is certain is that the newcomer IMPULSE will likely not be getting the first experience in Empire Pro he may have hoped for.
Once again, fans, this is KENNY LOMBARDO, along with “Dopesmoker” Erik Black, “The Butt-Dominator” Olvir Arsvinnar, and “The Sonic Titan” Ivan Dalkichev. We’ll all see you again at Aggression!
(Amid the smoke and the coughing, Kenny finally decides to get up off the couch and clear the area, leaving the three stoners sitting and looking up at the haze as the camera fades to black to the music of Monster Magnet.)
User Poets
The Shadow Pope
- Joined
- Jan 6, 1995
- Messages
- 2,192
- Points
- 36
- Age
- 44
- Location
- Top of the Pile
- Website
- www.valeriansgarden.com
Five to one, baby... one in five...
(FADEIN:
No one here gets... out alive, now. You've got yours, Momma, I want mine.
Gonna make it, baby, if we try... COME ON!
It's not The Doors, it's Valerian's Garden. They covered the song on their tribute album, Holy Songs, and it's in the jukebox at TC's Pub.
You didn't really need to know that, and you probably don't care. But I thought it would help to explain why you hear a woman's voice belting out Jim Morrison's lyrics, as well as why my camera is focused on said jukebox.
At least it isn't Sleep.
Oh, ohh... now I've done it. Seriously, I only said that to get a rise. If it's possible.
And... go.)
"I remember Rocko Daymon, Erik. I also remember you jumping to his defense, sort of, when I compared him to a cover band that puts people to sleep."
"You were hardly Mr. Apathy that day. If insulting your favorite band is the only way to get you motivated and out of your haze, then I'm ready to play the critic."
"Except for the fact that it's been done before. By me. To you. And I don't much care for the second verse being same as the first."
Besides, what's with the apathy code? My girlfriend Rosie is on a prescription of medical grade bud, and she's Little Miss Motivated. Maybe it's not the pot, Erik... maybe it's a completely unrelated chemical imbalance. You might want to check that out.
"So what was it now, Erik? Something to do, is that why you signed up for the King of the Cage again? If you don't care about winning and losing, if you don't care about your perception to the Empire or making your mark, if you're satisfied with riding high..."
No pun intended.
"...on success you had years ago as tag team champion with one of our partners, good luck, godspeed, and may the force be with you. I don't really care about your motivations, just your ability. Much the same, I don't care if you dismiss my motivations and ability. Your dismissal doesn't change the facts."
(The jukebox just switched out to "Stealing Society" by System of a Down. It's on random this evening.)
"And the facts are pretty immutable. I am a wrestler. I am a wrestler who weighs under two hundred pounds, who is not primarily known as a cruiserweight. This makes my path a difficult one. I accept it and thrive on it because, what else am I gonna do? This sport is all I've ever wanted to be involved in. I could probably be a World Champion on the level of Dan Ryan if I swung chairs, but where's the honor in that?"
Like The Babe said - he could've hit six hundred if all he tried for were a bunch of dinky singles, but the fans were paying to see him hit home runs.
"I'm glad to know you're concerned about my debut match and all, Erik - but don't be. I'm going to shine through no matter what happens. For that matter, since you're The Escape Artist, you'll find a way out of the cage while I'm doing the heavy lifting."
Metaphorically speaking. Ain't no way I'm lifting Ivan Dalkichev or Olvir Arz-Vee-Nurh without a forklift and a construction team.
"That is, if you're not being the apathetic dope smoker. Or if you're not throwing the match for your former tag team partner."
Was teaming with you also Ivan's crowning moment of awesome?
(Mouth. Bush.)
(The song, not the sex act. It's playing on the juke, and we're kind of against public displays of affection, particularly one that... blatant.)
("Later," said Rosie, as she walked past me with a tray full of empty pint glasses. )
(Yow.)
"You see, what worries me isn't the fact that you're a stereotypical stoner, Erik. What worries me isn't the fact that you're trying to make a career on being an apathetic slacker when you clearly have the talent to succeed."
Besides, we already have a Troy Windham in professional wrestling.
"What worries me is the fact that I don't know if I'm stepping into a cage with a partner, or a three - on - one handicap match."
Five on one, if you go by weight. No one here gets out alive, indeed.
"We might lose, Erik - particularly if you decide that you'd rather hand a victory to your bestest buddies than give the fans what they paid for."
You are Mr. Apathy, after all - you said it yourself.
"We might win, regardless of your allegiance. Not that I'm not that darn good myself, but I know how to win matches. Like you do. Like Ivan and Olvir do."
"But you won't, and the Connection won't, lessen the impact I'll have at Aggression."
"Why?"
"Because you can't."
(Learn to swim, en masse.)
"As far as Kenny goes, trust me, sir - I'll be getting exactly the first experience I wanted. I'll be sharing the ring with three men who have made their mark on this company, and I'll be able to showcase the fact that I can hang with them and survive; even thrive."
I have no doubt that I can do this. I have no doubt that I have the chops to beat anyone in this company and be World Champion tomorrow if I had the opportunity. But I'm going to keep my mouth shut on that front from this point on and earn the right to say it again.
"Win or lose, Erik; win or lose, Olvir and Ivan, the message will be delivered."
And I know that's a philosophy Mr. Apathy can get behind.
"Il messaggero non è importante."
After all, it doesn't involve him having to do anything.
FADE
(FADEIN:
No one here gets... out alive, now. You've got yours, Momma, I want mine.
Gonna make it, baby, if we try... COME ON!
It's not The Doors, it's Valerian's Garden. They covered the song on their tribute album, Holy Songs, and it's in the jukebox at TC's Pub.
You didn't really need to know that, and you probably don't care. But I thought it would help to explain why you hear a woman's voice belting out Jim Morrison's lyrics, as well as why my camera is focused on said jukebox.
At least it isn't Sleep.
Oh, ohh... now I've done it. Seriously, I only said that to get a rise. If it's possible.
And... go.)
"I remember Rocko Daymon, Erik. I also remember you jumping to his defense, sort of, when I compared him to a cover band that puts people to sleep."
"You were hardly Mr. Apathy that day. If insulting your favorite band is the only way to get you motivated and out of your haze, then I'm ready to play the critic."
"Except for the fact that it's been done before. By me. To you. And I don't much care for the second verse being same as the first."
Besides, what's with the apathy code? My girlfriend Rosie is on a prescription of medical grade bud, and she's Little Miss Motivated. Maybe it's not the pot, Erik... maybe it's a completely unrelated chemical imbalance. You might want to check that out.
"So what was it now, Erik? Something to do, is that why you signed up for the King of the Cage again? If you don't care about winning and losing, if you don't care about your perception to the Empire or making your mark, if you're satisfied with riding high..."
No pun intended.
"...on success you had years ago as tag team champion with one of our partners, good luck, godspeed, and may the force be with you. I don't really care about your motivations, just your ability. Much the same, I don't care if you dismiss my motivations and ability. Your dismissal doesn't change the facts."
(The jukebox just switched out to "Stealing Society" by System of a Down. It's on random this evening.)
"And the facts are pretty immutable. I am a wrestler. I am a wrestler who weighs under two hundred pounds, who is not primarily known as a cruiserweight. This makes my path a difficult one. I accept it and thrive on it because, what else am I gonna do? This sport is all I've ever wanted to be involved in. I could probably be a World Champion on the level of Dan Ryan if I swung chairs, but where's the honor in that?"
Like The Babe said - he could've hit six hundred if all he tried for were a bunch of dinky singles, but the fans were paying to see him hit home runs.
"I'm glad to know you're concerned about my debut match and all, Erik - but don't be. I'm going to shine through no matter what happens. For that matter, since you're The Escape Artist, you'll find a way out of the cage while I'm doing the heavy lifting."
Metaphorically speaking. Ain't no way I'm lifting Ivan Dalkichev or Olvir Arz-Vee-Nurh without a forklift and a construction team.
"That is, if you're not being the apathetic dope smoker. Or if you're not throwing the match for your former tag team partner."
Was teaming with you also Ivan's crowning moment of awesome?
(Mouth. Bush.)
(The song, not the sex act. It's playing on the juke, and we're kind of against public displays of affection, particularly one that... blatant.)
("Later," said Rosie, as she walked past me with a tray full of empty pint glasses. )
(Yow.)
"You see, what worries me isn't the fact that you're a stereotypical stoner, Erik. What worries me isn't the fact that you're trying to make a career on being an apathetic slacker when you clearly have the talent to succeed."
Besides, we already have a Troy Windham in professional wrestling.
"What worries me is the fact that I don't know if I'm stepping into a cage with a partner, or a three - on - one handicap match."
Five on one, if you go by weight. No one here gets out alive, indeed.
"We might lose, Erik - particularly if you decide that you'd rather hand a victory to your bestest buddies than give the fans what they paid for."
You are Mr. Apathy, after all - you said it yourself.
"We might win, regardless of your allegiance. Not that I'm not that darn good myself, but I know how to win matches. Like you do. Like Ivan and Olvir do."
"But you won't, and the Connection won't, lessen the impact I'll have at Aggression."
"Why?"
"Because you can't."
(Learn to swim, en masse.)
"As far as Kenny goes, trust me, sir - I'll be getting exactly the first experience I wanted. I'll be sharing the ring with three men who have made their mark on this company, and I'll be able to showcase the fact that I can hang with them and survive; even thrive."
I have no doubt that I can do this. I have no doubt that I have the chops to beat anyone in this company and be World Champion tomorrow if I had the opportunity. But I'm going to keep my mouth shut on that front from this point on and earn the right to say it again.
"Win or lose, Erik; win or lose, Olvir and Ivan, the message will be delivered."
And I know that's a philosophy Mr. Apathy can get behind.
"Il messaggero non è importante."
After all, it doesn't involve him having to do anything.
FADE