Re: Our reputation precedes us!!!!!!!!!!
[FADE IN to a medium shot of a white-washed breeze-block wall, likely in some small gymnasium or something. The camera is shaking slightly, and we can hear some general muttering and mumbling as someone is trying to set things up]
Voice: No… gah! Dammit! I had to go for the Goku-san wig and buy the cheap-ass camera… red wire… red… there we go!
[Suddenly, a figure slides into view, looking straight at the camera. He’s a normal looking man – if a normal looking man is wearing a spiky blue wig and an unbuttoned white dress shirt. Thankfully we can’t see below his chest, as who knows what else he’s wearing, but he’s got a beaming and happy smile on his youthful face]
Otaku: Hi, Empire Pro Wrestling fans and fellow wrestlers! Otaku to mōshimasu. Yoroshiku onegasishimasu. I’d give you my business card but, well, you know, I’m kinda stuck in the TV for now. At least for you all I am, so until they’ve invented a way for me to reach out into your home in truly 3D instead of 3D-looking-effect-dealy, this’ll have to do.
I’m rambling again, aren’t I? Sorry. I’m just so excited! Although I’ve been on Empire Pro TV before, it feels like a first time for me, you know, going in to a tournament where if we win we’re the tag team champions, teaming with someone I’ve never met slash seen slash heard of before against a team that I’ve never seen slash heard of before. It’s all so… exciting! Like… what’s something you guys might know… Dragonball Z without all the exposition between kicks.
I guess I should tell you about me a little, but really, I don’t know what I can say. I’m me. I’ve been out of the country for a couple of years so unless you’ve been watching small shows from Japanese wrestling – which I totally recommend you do by the way – you probably don’t know me that well, and it’s hard to say what I can do without having access to the tapes. And I’ve only got a crappy cam-corder so I can’t really show you the matches I’ve had. I could talk about beating Raptor or whatever the name was but that was years ago and I’ve kinda gotten better since then. At least I hope I have… wow… nerves! It’s been a while since I spoke in English, so sorry about this. Let’s try a primal scream and see if that helps…
[He takes a few deep, cleansing breaths, before launching into a massive primal scream! He quickly regains his composure, clears his throat, and looks straight at the camera again]
Otaku: There. That’s better. Makes me feel like we’re a team, Bastard-san and me. Now, I have watched a couple of tapes of Bastard-san, so I am prepared for what I’m pairing with, and you know what? I love the thought of teaming with the big teddy bear!
I’m kidding, Bastard-san! I heard what Logan-domo said, and you know what? He’s kinda right. You’ve been on a path of destruction and I would be a class A idiot to try and throw you off your game. I don’t want to be a supporting character all my life but there’s no harm in being one every now and then, is there? I mean, look at Negima – Natsumi’s done really well for herself, leading the gang into the heart of the enemy’s lair, and she started as a supporting character didn’t she? I’ll play my part for now, see how the team fairs and who knows? Bastard-san and me could very well be the new tag team champions! Of course, I’ve got to pull my weight, I can’t let Bastard-san do all the work or he’ll get tired, even if he is unchained. One man against two just isn’t fair. Unless the two are normals and the one is some mega beast or mechanical marvel.
Speaking of two… Hi Maniacs! How’re you guys? And who’re you guys? Because, sure, you’ve not heard of me. That’s to be expected, I’ve been out of the country, but by the same token I have absolutely no clue who you are! See, I never really followed American wrestling as a kid. I only heard of the Steiner Brothers because of their work in New Japan, and I’ve never heard of you guys working the East so I’m kinda at a loss. How good would you say you are? How tough would you say you are? What amazing robots are you fans of?
I need to know! Otherwise I’m going to lose a lot of sleep, and that’d make me go all Gaara or something. Which’d be cool, don’t get me wrong, but losing my mind to the One-Tailed Beast would be… well, it wouldn’t be right.
Yes, I know. I’m talking about anime as if it were real when I know full well it’s just entertainment and something I have an unhealthy obsession with. It’s not real. I’m not going to get swallowed up by a giant toad. Jeez, give a guy some credit.
Well… Motor City Maniacs, I look forward to stepping in the ring… well, cage, with you guys with Bastard-san as my partner. I can’t say I’m worried about this match because, like I said, I know nothing about you. If you’ve done anything in Japan let me know and I’ll check you out – I’m not a fan of the commentary over here to be honest. Too many guys who’re poor imitations of Mike Neely. And Mike Neely’s the poorest imitation of Mike Neely I know.
I’m rambling again, so I’ll leave you with this. Maniacs, I look forward to wrestling you, but in all honesty, Bastard-san, Logan-domo and myself, we’re looking to go all the way in this tournament. I hope you guys aren’t walkovers, but we’re not going to be fodder for you. My partner’s looking like a monster and me, I’ve been wrestling a few years now so I’m not exactly new to the dance. I don’t know how dangerous you guys are, but you’re not going to scare me. Because I’ve seen some scary things over the years… the DVD player catching fire with my favourite disc inside… and there is no WAY you’re scarier than that! Almost lost my favourite show…
Well, I guess I’ll find out between now and Aggression whether the Maniacs are the stuff of nightmares, or the stuff of cutesy little pink bunnies. My guess is bunnies. We need more bunnies.
[He reaches across and hits a button, causing the scene to FADE…]
Voiceover: Next time, on Otaku.
Otaku: Hey fans! Otaku here! Next time on Magic Man Otaku, our hero crosses the vast desert of Imperionica in search of his friends! Will he find them in time? Or will the twins of evil catch him before he reaches the city gates? Tune in next time to Magic Man Otaku! I’ll be waiting!
[OUT]