AGGRESSION 57: KOTC RD. 2 - The Heirs (c) vs. Stalker/Shane vs. Impulse/Black
- Thread starter DBrunkGXW
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Stalker
I stalk, because I care
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- May 2, 2007
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- 40
Life is a series of moments.
(We fade in to Jason Reeves, standing before the camera, his arms folded across his chest and his hair pulled back into a ponytail. Which is interesting because all of his war scars are present.)
Stalker: I knew a man once, that believed that statement to be as true as the air that we breathe. Now, as the picture is becoming increasingly clear, I too am seeing the truth to such a statement. Impulse's moment in his debut was quite epic and Erik Black's idiocy... well that was also epic. It's hard to imagine how you two will even co exist at Aggression, but we shall see.
Next up we have The Heirs of Wrestling. I'll be completely blunt and straight forward with you two, or is it three? Hell if I know. I've had no reason to pay attention or even think about any of you, until now. It's just another moment that has come and one that will be addressed, quickly and destructively.
You may ask yourself how ignorant can I be? How can I not notice the tag champions, well I'll tell you why, i've been playing chess with the EPW World Championship for months now. That has alot more weight then you silly idiots. Erik Black knows exactly what my wrath tastes like, don't you Erik? See Erik and I used to be friends and that was until his ego got too big for my plans.
The King of the Cage tournament, means nothing more to me then just a way to continue the chaos that started when I threw High Flyer off the cage in our first round match of the last one. What you fools don't realize and what people like Anarky and Copycat seem to ignore is just how much EPW has been Stalker's World. I will not bore you with the details of my accomplishments, my ability to end and or change career paths. It's all documented, it's all been written. Look it up.
Anarky will continue to feel my wrath for being the champion I did not choose. Steven Shane will continue to get a ride on my back as I destroy and maim our opponents. You all.. the seven or eight of you that we will be facing come Aggression, well all I can say is, be ready for the moment.
My moment.
Welcome to my world.
(Fade to black.)
(We fade in to Jason Reeves, standing before the camera, his arms folded across his chest and his hair pulled back into a ponytail. Which is interesting because all of his war scars are present.)
Stalker: I knew a man once, that believed that statement to be as true as the air that we breathe. Now, as the picture is becoming increasingly clear, I too am seeing the truth to such a statement. Impulse's moment in his debut was quite epic and Erik Black's idiocy... well that was also epic. It's hard to imagine how you two will even co exist at Aggression, but we shall see.
Next up we have The Heirs of Wrestling. I'll be completely blunt and straight forward with you two, or is it three? Hell if I know. I've had no reason to pay attention or even think about any of you, until now. It's just another moment that has come and one that will be addressed, quickly and destructively.
You may ask yourself how ignorant can I be? How can I not notice the tag champions, well I'll tell you why, i've been playing chess with the EPW World Championship for months now. That has alot more weight then you silly idiots. Erik Black knows exactly what my wrath tastes like, don't you Erik? See Erik and I used to be friends and that was until his ego got too big for my plans.
The King of the Cage tournament, means nothing more to me then just a way to continue the chaos that started when I threw High Flyer off the cage in our first round match of the last one. What you fools don't realize and what people like Anarky and Copycat seem to ignore is just how much EPW has been Stalker's World. I will not bore you with the details of my accomplishments, my ability to end and or change career paths. It's all documented, it's all been written. Look it up.
Anarky will continue to feel my wrath for being the champion I did not choose. Steven Shane will continue to get a ride on my back as I destroy and maim our opponents. You all.. the seven or eight of you that we will be facing come Aggression, well all I can say is, be ready for the moment.
My moment.
Welcome to my world.
(Fade to black.)
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User Poets
The Shadow Pope
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A Momentary Lapse of... you know the rest.
(FADEIN...
on a glossy cardboard advertisement, complete with pieces of broccoli that morph into green bodies wearing bikinis.
Drugs? No. Foodswings.
Located in the heart of Williamsburg, Brooklyn - just a few blocks from world famous Duffs, it's the only 100% Vegan fast food joint.
My suggestion? Metal fries and 'The Tank' - vegan milkshake.
And... go.)
"They say you're never ready for the big moments - they sneak up on you and happen, and all you can do is deal with the aftermath. They say what matters is how you react to the moments; that's what defines your character."
Life is, in fact, a series of moments. In an equally compelling statement, I eat food.
"I say, hogwash."
"One of the biggest moments of my Empire career is coming up in Pensacola, and not only am I ready for it, but I'm impatiently anticipating it. Quite literally, the only thing that could be bigger for me is challenging for an Empire singles title, something that I know is a long way in the future. Still, going up against the Heirs of Wrestling is probably currently an even bigger deal because of the sheer length of time that they've had a stranglehold on the tag team division here in the Empire."
"But I've watched what they do, I've listened to their words and studied their moves... and something bothers me."
And I tapped the advertisement in front of me.
"You've got the ability, Mack, Ryan, and Frank. Obviously, you've held onto the belts for so long. And you've got the volume to make sure you rise ahead of the pack. The total package, maybe."
Maybe not.
"You know, you can get just about anything at Foodswings. You can get Philly cheesesteaks, chicken wings, bacon and egg sandwiches - conveniently referred to as 'Bac'n and Eggy' - all conveniently vegan and conveniently tasting almost, but not quite like the genuine article. Even the shakes are almost indistinguishable from the real thing."
Except they're not. They're almost authentic.
"Of course, the Heirs of Wrestling aren't the only opponents that Erik Black and I will have to deal with."
"But they might as well be. Stalker has pretty much point blank stated that he doesn't care about the King of the Cage; we're too small and insignificant when compared to his ongoing, possibly imaginary war with Anarky. We peons don't matter, we're small potatoes."
Le Peon be our name. At least potatoes are vegan.
"What's that do for Stalker and Steven Shane? Shane's going to have to carry this one solo, is my guess."
Will I? I don't think so.
"I haven't spoken to Erik Black since we defeated the Colossal Connection, but I'm fairly confident in his thoughts: he was considering throwing the match to his buddies Ivan and Olvir, but since we beat them, why not try to win this thing? I could be very very wrong, but I don't think so."
And even if I am, I was able to handle two opponents that were much, much larger than I am in the first round. I think lightning could strike again if it had to, particularly when you consider the fact that there will be two opposing teams that will be focused on each other just as much as they would be on Erik and myself.
"So what do I think of this moment?"
"I think we're going to survive."
"I think we're going to thrive."
"I think we're ready for Stalker, Steven Shane, and the Heirs of Wrestling."
"I think Erik and I are going to move on to the finals against Donovan Astros and Cameron Cruise."
That's right, I said it.
"Most of all?"
"I think we're very likely candidates to walk out of Pensacola with the Empire Pro Wrestling Tag Team Championships."
"Was that arrogant of me? Presumptuous? Putting the cart before the horse, and other similar cliches? Maybe."
But I don't backpedal.
"Because, despite the talent of the Heirs, despite the talent of Stalker and Steven Shane, the fact remains, their words and actions show them to be almost perfect copies of the real deal."
A Philly Cheesesteak made from soy might taste almost perfect, but it's still just a vegan substitute.
FADE
(FADEIN...
on a glossy cardboard advertisement, complete with pieces of broccoli that morph into green bodies wearing bikinis.
Drugs? No. Foodswings.
Located in the heart of Williamsburg, Brooklyn - just a few blocks from world famous Duffs, it's the only 100% Vegan fast food joint.
My suggestion? Metal fries and 'The Tank' - vegan milkshake.
And... go.)
"They say you're never ready for the big moments - they sneak up on you and happen, and all you can do is deal with the aftermath. They say what matters is how you react to the moments; that's what defines your character."
Life is, in fact, a series of moments. In an equally compelling statement, I eat food.
"I say, hogwash."
"One of the biggest moments of my Empire career is coming up in Pensacola, and not only am I ready for it, but I'm impatiently anticipating it. Quite literally, the only thing that could be bigger for me is challenging for an Empire singles title, something that I know is a long way in the future. Still, going up against the Heirs of Wrestling is probably currently an even bigger deal because of the sheer length of time that they've had a stranglehold on the tag team division here in the Empire."
"But I've watched what they do, I've listened to their words and studied their moves... and something bothers me."
And I tapped the advertisement in front of me.
"You've got the ability, Mack, Ryan, and Frank. Obviously, you've held onto the belts for so long. And you've got the volume to make sure you rise ahead of the pack. The total package, maybe."
Maybe not.
"You know, you can get just about anything at Foodswings. You can get Philly cheesesteaks, chicken wings, bacon and egg sandwiches - conveniently referred to as 'Bac'n and Eggy' - all conveniently vegan and conveniently tasting almost, but not quite like the genuine article. Even the shakes are almost indistinguishable from the real thing."
Except they're not. They're almost authentic.
"Of course, the Heirs of Wrestling aren't the only opponents that Erik Black and I will have to deal with."
"But they might as well be. Stalker has pretty much point blank stated that he doesn't care about the King of the Cage; we're too small and insignificant when compared to his ongoing, possibly imaginary war with Anarky. We peons don't matter, we're small potatoes."
Le Peon be our name. At least potatoes are vegan.
"What's that do for Stalker and Steven Shane? Shane's going to have to carry this one solo, is my guess."
Will I? I don't think so.
"I haven't spoken to Erik Black since we defeated the Colossal Connection, but I'm fairly confident in his thoughts: he was considering throwing the match to his buddies Ivan and Olvir, but since we beat them, why not try to win this thing? I could be very very wrong, but I don't think so."
And even if I am, I was able to handle two opponents that were much, much larger than I am in the first round. I think lightning could strike again if it had to, particularly when you consider the fact that there will be two opposing teams that will be focused on each other just as much as they would be on Erik and myself.
"So what do I think of this moment?"
"I think we're going to survive."
"I think we're going to thrive."
"I think we're ready for Stalker, Steven Shane, and the Heirs of Wrestling."
"I think Erik and I are going to move on to the finals against Donovan Astros and Cameron Cruise."
That's right, I said it.
"Most of all?"
"I think we're very likely candidates to walk out of Pensacola with the Empire Pro Wrestling Tag Team Championships."
"Was that arrogant of me? Presumptuous? Putting the cart before the horse, and other similar cliches? Maybe."
But I don't backpedal.
"Because, despite the talent of the Heirs, despite the talent of Stalker and Steven Shane, the fact remains, their words and actions show them to be almost perfect copies of the real deal."
A Philly Cheesesteak made from soy might taste almost perfect, but it's still just a vegan substitute.
FADE
Stalker
I stalk, because I care
- Joined
- May 2, 2007
- Messages
- 894
- Points
- 18
- Age
- 40
Re: A Momentary Lapse of... you know the rest.
There is a big difference between an ant and a cockroach.
(We fade in to Jason Reeves, who is sitting in a chair, in a dirty motel room, staring at a paused television screen. He leers at the camera with a glass of half drunk whiskey in his hand.)
Stalker: I must say that difference is pretty big, as well. You see an ant is very small and very insignificant, if you see one crawling in your house do you honestly go out of your way to kill it? Now imagine that small bug is now a cockroach, much bigger then an ant, much uglier and nastier, but definitely worth going out of your way to kill.
Erik, Impulse, Mack, Ryan and Frank. Wow that was a lot of names to say. No wonder I avoided it so much the first time.
Anyways, you guys are cockroaches not ants. You say Impulse that I might not care about the King of the Cage tournament and that could be the case. However, I care more then enough to go out of my way to squash a few cockroaches under my boot.
Besides, like I said previously this tournament does have some value in it for me. It allows me to continue the carnage carnival.
I need something more to focus on while the champion dodges me. The First was a damn failure in my plans to cast a dark shadow over this entire company. So now I have to take the reins on my own tour, take what is mine and make all the fans realize just how much of a destructive and powerful force I truly am.
It's not like I can't participate in events along the way and I simply won't roll over for you because of your beliefs that you are below me. Which... you are of course. Cockroach.
(Jason takes a swig to finish off what was remaining of his whiskey and pours himself another drink. His face turns to one of a grin, almost as if a memory resurfaced.)
Stalker: Wait a minute, Impulse aren't you that fool that claims to have never cheated in a wrestling match?
(Taking a quick drink, Jason sets the glass back down and ponders what he just realized.)
Stalker: Well isn't this interesting! The number one pansy in Empire Pro steps into the ring with ME!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Hell.. we are in a freaking cage match! Of all the match types you are facing ME in a cage and YOU don't use weapons? What the hell will you do to yourself if you whip me into the ropes too hard and I hit into the cage? Will you quit wrestling for good? For "cheating"?
(Letting out another manic laugh, Jason slaps his hand on the table, he almost can't control himself. In a quick second the laughing stops altogether. Jason takes another swig of his drink and sets the glass on the table. Jumping out of his seat he gets face to face with the camera.)
Stalker: ENOUGH JOKING. Impulse, this is the last warning you are getting before Aggression. IF YOU TRY to even ATTEMPT to know what I'm thinking or what my IMAGINARY PLANS are, I will make you EAT the f*cking cage at Aggression.
Yes I said it, Eat... the.... CAGE. Now that's a god damn Vegan meal.
Do not make this personal, pansy.
Welcome to my World.
(Fade)
There is a big difference between an ant and a cockroach.
(We fade in to Jason Reeves, who is sitting in a chair, in a dirty motel room, staring at a paused television screen. He leers at the camera with a glass of half drunk whiskey in his hand.)
Stalker: I must say that difference is pretty big, as well. You see an ant is very small and very insignificant, if you see one crawling in your house do you honestly go out of your way to kill it? Now imagine that small bug is now a cockroach, much bigger then an ant, much uglier and nastier, but definitely worth going out of your way to kill.
Erik, Impulse, Mack, Ryan and Frank. Wow that was a lot of names to say. No wonder I avoided it so much the first time.
Anyways, you guys are cockroaches not ants. You say Impulse that I might not care about the King of the Cage tournament and that could be the case. However, I care more then enough to go out of my way to squash a few cockroaches under my boot.
Besides, like I said previously this tournament does have some value in it for me. It allows me to continue the carnage carnival.
I need something more to focus on while the champion dodges me. The First was a damn failure in my plans to cast a dark shadow over this entire company. So now I have to take the reins on my own tour, take what is mine and make all the fans realize just how much of a destructive and powerful force I truly am.
It's not like I can't participate in events along the way and I simply won't roll over for you because of your beliefs that you are below me. Which... you are of course. Cockroach.
(Jason takes a swig to finish off what was remaining of his whiskey and pours himself another drink. His face turns to one of a grin, almost as if a memory resurfaced.)
Stalker: Wait a minute, Impulse aren't you that fool that claims to have never cheated in a wrestling match?
(Taking a quick drink, Jason sets the glass back down and ponders what he just realized.)
Stalker: Well isn't this interesting! The number one pansy in Empire Pro steps into the ring with ME!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Hell.. we are in a freaking cage match! Of all the match types you are facing ME in a cage and YOU don't use weapons? What the hell will you do to yourself if you whip me into the ropes too hard and I hit into the cage? Will you quit wrestling for good? For "cheating"?
(Letting out another manic laugh, Jason slaps his hand on the table, he almost can't control himself. In a quick second the laughing stops altogether. Jason takes another swig of his drink and sets the glass on the table. Jumping out of his seat he gets face to face with the camera.)
Stalker: ENOUGH JOKING. Impulse, this is the last warning you are getting before Aggression. IF YOU TRY to even ATTEMPT to know what I'm thinking or what my IMAGINARY PLANS are, I will make you EAT the f*cking cage at Aggression.
Yes I said it, Eat... the.... CAGE. Now that's a god damn Vegan meal.
Do not make this personal, pansy.
Welcome to my World.
(Fade)
User Poets
The Shadow Pope
- Joined
- Jan 6, 1995
- Messages
- 2,192
- Points
- 36
- Age
- 44
- Location
- Top of the Pile
- Website
- www.valeriansgarden.com
Your analogy is flawed, good sir.
(FADEIN...
My mom's bathroom.
No, I didn't stutter. She called me because there was a problem. It's getting warmer out, and her neighbors are kind of hoarders, and the walls between brownstones are weak.
And they have cockroaches. And a pair of them migrated to Momma Knox's place.
So, we're sitting here, waiting for the exterminator, and I pulled out my droid to take a video.
What can I say, I was inspired.)
"They're just hangin' out, y'know? No harm, no foul, but we still call the exterminator to wipe 'em out."
Are you the exterminator, Jason? Because I hate to tell you, all of us are going to be available to wrestle at Aggression 58, whether we win or lose.
"Well, we call the exterminator if there's an infestation of cockroaches in the bathroom, or a parade of ants in the kitchen. So what's the difference? Are you the ant, Stalker? Are you a parade of ants?"
Are you a parade in general? What part? The marching band? Are you the big fat guy with the bass drum or a skinny freshman girl with glasses, braces, a retainer with headgear, and a noisy clarinet?
... Do you play the triangle?
"I don't mean to make fun, Stalker, but I don't understand what you were talking about. Erik Black and I, and the Heirs of Wrestling, we're all cockroaches, I get that part. Where do the ants come in?"
"...Do you not clean up after you make a sandwich?"
"I just hope you paid more attention to the first round match Erik and I had with the Colossals than you are to your various forms of insects. Because I'm also trying to figure out where you got the idea that I'd run like a toddler with a skinned knee at the sight of a body crashing into a cage."
"This is a cage match, Stalker. Do you know what a cage match is?"
Do you know what wrestling is?
"I've never cheated in a wrestling match, Stalker, because I don't need to in order to win my matches. I'm gonna beat you, Stalker, I'm gonna do it without swingin' a chair at your head."
"Where's the art in a chair? Where's the talent in that? Five year olds can hit each other with chairs."
Are you telling me that you have talent on the level of a five year old? Is that why you like parades so much?
"If I can't beat you with my wrestling skill, I don't deserve the victory. If you can't beat me without... feeding me... the cage... does that make you a better wrestler?"
"It's a flawed analogy, Stalker, because this is a cage match, and if you... feed it to me... it's legal, according to the rules of the match."
Though I think you need to retake basic biology.
"Do you think I'm such a a black - and - white idiot, that if you incidently bounce off the cage I'm going to clutch my cheeks and shriek like a banshee?"
"You want to know how to wrestle a cage match without using the cage as a weapon? Can't be done? Watch Erik Black and I take on the Colossals. For that matter, I've won a Tables and Ladders match without using either as a weapon. How?"
Hold onto your hat, sir.
"I know how to wrestle."
Do you?
(The cockroaches are starting to move again. I zoomed in.)
"The exterminator is on his way. It's a shame, though - because these are some hardy creatures. When the revolution comes, Stalker - the cockroaches are the only things that'll survive the nuclear holocaust."
Something tells me, your assault is going to be something short of a megaton.
FADEOUT
(FADEIN...
My mom's bathroom.
No, I didn't stutter. She called me because there was a problem. It's getting warmer out, and her neighbors are kind of hoarders, and the walls between brownstones are weak.
And they have cockroaches. And a pair of them migrated to Momma Knox's place.
So, we're sitting here, waiting for the exterminator, and I pulled out my droid to take a video.
What can I say, I was inspired.)
"They're just hangin' out, y'know? No harm, no foul, but we still call the exterminator to wipe 'em out."
Are you the exterminator, Jason? Because I hate to tell you, all of us are going to be available to wrestle at Aggression 58, whether we win or lose.
"Well, we call the exterminator if there's an infestation of cockroaches in the bathroom, or a parade of ants in the kitchen. So what's the difference? Are you the ant, Stalker? Are you a parade of ants?"
Are you a parade in general? What part? The marching band? Are you the big fat guy with the bass drum or a skinny freshman girl with glasses, braces, a retainer with headgear, and a noisy clarinet?
... Do you play the triangle?
"I don't mean to make fun, Stalker, but I don't understand what you were talking about. Erik Black and I, and the Heirs of Wrestling, we're all cockroaches, I get that part. Where do the ants come in?"
"...Do you not clean up after you make a sandwich?"
"I just hope you paid more attention to the first round match Erik and I had with the Colossals than you are to your various forms of insects. Because I'm also trying to figure out where you got the idea that I'd run like a toddler with a skinned knee at the sight of a body crashing into a cage."
"This is a cage match, Stalker. Do you know what a cage match is?"
Do you know what wrestling is?
"I've never cheated in a wrestling match, Stalker, because I don't need to in order to win my matches. I'm gonna beat you, Stalker, I'm gonna do it without swingin' a chair at your head."
"Where's the art in a chair? Where's the talent in that? Five year olds can hit each other with chairs."
Are you telling me that you have talent on the level of a five year old? Is that why you like parades so much?
"If I can't beat you with my wrestling skill, I don't deserve the victory. If you can't beat me without... feeding me... the cage... does that make you a better wrestler?"
"It's a flawed analogy, Stalker, because this is a cage match, and if you... feed it to me... it's legal, according to the rules of the match."
Though I think you need to retake basic biology.
"Do you think I'm such a a black - and - white idiot, that if you incidently bounce off the cage I'm going to clutch my cheeks and shriek like a banshee?"
"You want to know how to wrestle a cage match without using the cage as a weapon? Can't be done? Watch Erik Black and I take on the Colossals. For that matter, I've won a Tables and Ladders match without using either as a weapon. How?"
Hold onto your hat, sir.
"I know how to wrestle."
Do you?
(The cockroaches are starting to move again. I zoomed in.)
"The exterminator is on his way. It's a shame, though - because these are some hardy creatures. When the revolution comes, Stalker - the cockroaches are the only things that'll survive the nuclear holocaust."
Something tells me, your assault is going to be something short of a megaton.
FADEOUT
thegr817deuce
League Member
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- Jun 9, 2004
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- 438
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- 39
Re: Your analogy is flawed, good sir.
(We fade into the backstage of an Empire Pro house show. The crowd can be heard going nuts inside the arena. The camera continues to pan, regardless of their cheers. The camera slows down, allowing the staff member to step in front. The camera turns a corner and we realize that the person actually is not an Empire Pro staff member at all. It is James Murphy, interviewer of the stars, with his own microphone in hand.
James turns one final corner before coming upon a door. The sign reads simply: “The Sensational One”. James knocks on the door and waits. The door opens and James’s eyes grow large…)
James: Steven Shane! Thank you for your time!
Shane: Hey Jamal…
James: It’s James.
Shane: What is?
James: Me.
Shane: What about you?
James: I’m James.
Shane: I thought you were Jamal.
James: It’s clear that you thought that, but I’m James.
Shane: Whatever you say. Come on in, Jamal…
(Jamal simply shakes his head as he follows Shane into the locker room. Shane grabs a towel off the sink and wipes his face.)
Shane: So what brings you to The Sensational One’s one-evening, mini-apartment special?
James: Well, I was kind of hoping to get some insight into your thoughts on your match at this upcoming Aggression.
Shane: We’ve done this. I don’t have a match.
James: Yes, you do. I didn’t bother with bringing a copy of the card this time because you wouldn’t believe me last time.
Shane: Well, you should have. You’d probably seem more credible if you had something in writing.
James: But you said last time it looked like it was done on a Commodore 64.
Shane: Make your fakes more professionally then.
James: But it wasn’t a fake!
Shane: You’re sounding redundant.
James: You’re sounding red-!
(James lowers his head and shakes again.)
James: What about your thoughts on your first match back here in EPW?
Shane: Hasn’t happened yet.
James: Are you kidding me? You and Stalker advanced in the King of the Cage tournament by defeating Aaron Jones and the World Heavyweight Champion!
Shane: You apparently haven’t talked to Stalker yet.
James: What do you mean?
Shane: I just rode his coattails. Did you even hear my intro music played?
James: Well, no…
Shane: Then what makes you think that I was in a match? Did I make the winning fall?
James: No…
Shane: Did anyone make note of my existence again this week?
James: No…
Shane: Then apparently, I’m still just a free agent looking for a nitch.
James: But Empire Pro recognizes you and Stalker as a second round team in the King of the Cage tournament.
Shane: Because Stalker did all the work.
James: Are you kidding? You clearly had more offense against the champion than Stalker.
Shane: Not according to him. I don’t even think he knows I was in the match.
James: Why do you think that?
Shane: Maybe sheer primal rage? I don’t know. Ask him.
James: I mean what makes you think he didn’t notice you.
Shane: He’s been talking nonsense for what seems like hours now. And I’m pretty sure he said something about me riding his back. I’m not Beau Michaels, so I’m pretty sure he thinks he did everything.
James: Okay, so we know how you feel about your Lethal Lottery partner. What about your opponents?
Shane: Opponents for what?
James: Your match this week.
Shane: I have a match this week?
James: YES! Against Erik Black, Impulse, and The Heirs of Wrestling! It’s actually FOR the Tag Team Championship!
Shane: You don’t say. Why haven’t I heard about this?
James: You REALLY should read the Empire Pro card when they send it to you.
Shane: Don’t know what you’re talking about. They must not have email.
James: I’m sure they have email.
Shane: Then they need to update their address book.
James: Enough about EPW’s technology. What about the match?
Shane: I have-
James: YES! For the Tag Team Championship!
Shane: Are you sure? I haven’t heard about the championships.
James: Did you watch anything from your partner or Impulse?
(Shane gives a quick chuckle.)
Shane: Impulse… Kinda reminds you of that little gay dude from PrisonBreak, doesn’t he?
James: Well, I’m not sure… But, didn’t you hear him mention the titles?
Shane: Did he?
James: Do you watch anything your opponents say?
Shane: I drift in and out.
James: Somehow that doesn’t surprise me… So how about the shot at the titles. Does that bring any excitement?
Shane: Sure, if Stalker can pull it off.
James: Really? You’re still on this?
Shane: Hey man, I’m just along for the ride.
James: So are you planning on helping him this week?
Shane: Just like I did last week. I’m just like Aerosmith: Livin’ on the Edge… of the ring apron.
James: Well, whatever you say, Shane. Thanks for your time. Good luck on your shot at the titles.
Shane: Titles?
James: Oh man…
(James turns and begins to walk away.)
Shane: See ya, Jamal.
(James stops, shrugs his shoulders, and rolls his eyes as he walks out the door and the camera fades.)
(We fade into the backstage of an Empire Pro house show. The crowd can be heard going nuts inside the arena. The camera continues to pan, regardless of their cheers. The camera slows down, allowing the staff member to step in front. The camera turns a corner and we realize that the person actually is not an Empire Pro staff member at all. It is James Murphy, interviewer of the stars, with his own microphone in hand.
James turns one final corner before coming upon a door. The sign reads simply: “The Sensational One”. James knocks on the door and waits. The door opens and James’s eyes grow large…)
James: Steven Shane! Thank you for your time!
Shane: Hey Jamal…
James: It’s James.
Shane: What is?
James: Me.
Shane: What about you?
James: I’m James.
Shane: I thought you were Jamal.
James: It’s clear that you thought that, but I’m James.
Shane: Whatever you say. Come on in, Jamal…
(Jamal simply shakes his head as he follows Shane into the locker room. Shane grabs a towel off the sink and wipes his face.)
Shane: So what brings you to The Sensational One’s one-evening, mini-apartment special?
James: Well, I was kind of hoping to get some insight into your thoughts on your match at this upcoming Aggression.
Shane: We’ve done this. I don’t have a match.
James: Yes, you do. I didn’t bother with bringing a copy of the card this time because you wouldn’t believe me last time.
Shane: Well, you should have. You’d probably seem more credible if you had something in writing.
James: But you said last time it looked like it was done on a Commodore 64.
Shane: Make your fakes more professionally then.
James: But it wasn’t a fake!
Shane: You’re sounding redundant.
James: You’re sounding red-!
(James lowers his head and shakes again.)
James: What about your thoughts on your first match back here in EPW?
Shane: Hasn’t happened yet.
James: Are you kidding me? You and Stalker advanced in the King of the Cage tournament by defeating Aaron Jones and the World Heavyweight Champion!
Shane: You apparently haven’t talked to Stalker yet.
James: What do you mean?
Shane: I just rode his coattails. Did you even hear my intro music played?
James: Well, no…
Shane: Then what makes you think that I was in a match? Did I make the winning fall?
James: No…
Shane: Did anyone make note of my existence again this week?
James: No…
Shane: Then apparently, I’m still just a free agent looking for a nitch.
James: But Empire Pro recognizes you and Stalker as a second round team in the King of the Cage tournament.
Shane: Because Stalker did all the work.
James: Are you kidding? You clearly had more offense against the champion than Stalker.
Shane: Not according to him. I don’t even think he knows I was in the match.
James: Why do you think that?
Shane: Maybe sheer primal rage? I don’t know. Ask him.
James: I mean what makes you think he didn’t notice you.
Shane: He’s been talking nonsense for what seems like hours now. And I’m pretty sure he said something about me riding his back. I’m not Beau Michaels, so I’m pretty sure he thinks he did everything.
James: Okay, so we know how you feel about your Lethal Lottery partner. What about your opponents?
Shane: Opponents for what?
James: Your match this week.
Shane: I have a match this week?
James: YES! Against Erik Black, Impulse, and The Heirs of Wrestling! It’s actually FOR the Tag Team Championship!
Shane: You don’t say. Why haven’t I heard about this?
James: You REALLY should read the Empire Pro card when they send it to you.
Shane: Don’t know what you’re talking about. They must not have email.
James: I’m sure they have email.
Shane: Then they need to update their address book.
James: Enough about EPW’s technology. What about the match?
Shane: I have-
James: YES! For the Tag Team Championship!
Shane: Are you sure? I haven’t heard about the championships.
James: Did you watch anything from your partner or Impulse?
(Shane gives a quick chuckle.)
Shane: Impulse… Kinda reminds you of that little gay dude from PrisonBreak, doesn’t he?
James: Well, I’m not sure… But, didn’t you hear him mention the titles?
Shane: Did he?
James: Do you watch anything your opponents say?
Shane: I drift in and out.
James: Somehow that doesn’t surprise me… So how about the shot at the titles. Does that bring any excitement?
Shane: Sure, if Stalker can pull it off.
James: Really? You’re still on this?
Shane: Hey man, I’m just along for the ride.
James: So are you planning on helping him this week?
Shane: Just like I did last week. I’m just like Aerosmith: Livin’ on the Edge… of the ring apron.
James: Well, whatever you say, Shane. Thanks for your time. Good luck on your shot at the titles.
Shane: Titles?
James: Oh man…
(James turns and begins to walk away.)
Shane: See ya, Jamal.
(James stops, shrugs his shoulders, and rolls his eyes as he walks out the door and the camera fades.)
- Joined
- Feb 4, 2005
- Messages
- 1,143
- Points
- 38
Re: Your analogy is flawed, good sir.
(When your chosen profession takes you on the road a lot, you get to take in all kinds of interesting, sometimes breathtaking sights. Tourist traps, US landmarks and everything in between. So when you finally get a chance to stop and pull over, you make the best of the situation you’re in. That is why we find ourselves in a true American landmark. Say hello to…
FADE-IN: THE F*CKIN’ PIGGLY WIGGLY, B*TCHES!
Our heroes – and YOUR EPW Dynastic Devine Right Ravishing Ruling Consortium Champions… oh and they have the OFFICIAL EPW Tag Team Titles, but you already knew that – The Heirs of Wrestling were walking up and down the aisles of one of America’s greatest natural resources… The Piggly Wiggly. Our heroes needed sustenance as they were still about two hundred or so miles from the sight of their King of the Cage match against Black/Impulse and Stalker/Shane. A rest stop was crucial to their success so, here we are. Mack Brody keeps an ear out to see if the stories of a bunch of horny housewives truly lurk about. Ryan Gallway is sifting through everything that could be classified as “junk food” while Frank Pierce pushes the cart.)
RYAN GALLWAY: Dude! F*ckin’ Oreos, man! Oreos!
FRANK PIERCE: Get ‘em?
RYAN GALLWAY: Think Mack wants some?
FRANK PIERCE: Are you sh*tting me? Dude hasn’t had an actual carb since… I’m only guessing here… 2003? More for us.
MACK BRODY: (still scoping out a chick who reeks of desperation and JLo Glow) 2004, but yeah, close enough.
(Frank simply shrugged as he and Ryan continued to fill up their cart. As they continued down the cookie/cracker aisle, Ryan glanced back at Frank.)
RYAN GALLWAY: So, I never asked. King of the Cage… Shane and Stalker… Black and Impulse… I hope we were wearing condoms when they announced these brackets, because Dan Ryan sure tried to d*ck us around, huh?
FRANK PIERCE: Pfft. You’re right, though. He tried. He FAILED. Like, Situation at the Roast of Donald Trump failed.
RYAN GALLWAY: Triple threat? Where us… the champions… don’t have to be pinned or submitted to actually lose the titles? Sh*t, I knew this day would come? We’ve finally become victims of our own success!
FRANK PIERCE: (angrily throwing a box of crackers back on the shelf) And you know it’s gone to all hell when our EPW Tag Team Titles are on the line and all that these r-tards can talk about what they put in their f*cking mouths and what they’re gonna put in each other’s mouths! It’s starting to sound like professional wrestling has finally crossed over to full-blown homoeroticism as opposed to the thinly-veiled homoeroticism of two oiled-up guys grabbing each other in the ring. Stalker is YET AGAIN another in a long line of people who quote-unquote “doesn’t care” about winning gold, yet he sure as f*ck doesn’t mind running into other people’s matches like a f*cking nitwit. UH, NEWS FLASH, YOU RETARD, YOU’RE *IN* A TAG TEAM TOURNAMENT, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! DON’T COMPETE IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BE HERE.
(He grabs a box of Pepperidge Farm Cheesmen and laughed.)
FRANK PIERCE: Oh, yeah, the dumbf*ck was apparently “playing chess” with the EPW World Champion. If by “playing chess” he means “he had no talent to get anything done, so he ran into every match ever, screwed us out of our match with Anarky, and kept getting in the First’s business because nobody ever gave that watered-down sh*thead the time of day and he hasn’t done ANYTHING in EPW” then yes. He played a very successful game of chess. Bobby Fischer is doing backflips in his grave and Garry Kasparov is cursing his very existence. Damn it, I don’t want these now.
(He threw the Chessmen back onto the shelf and grumbled. Meanwhile, Ryan was trying not to incite his tag partner any further as they rounded the corner, walking through the health food aisle.)
RYAN GALLWAY: Oh, God, I feel dirty. Wheat? Egg substitute… tofurkey? TOFURKEY?! TOFURK YOURSELVES!
FRANK PIERCE: Who in God’s name would actually eat crap like this? Oh, right… Impulse. Doesn’t eat meat. Doesn’t cheat. Doesn’t stand up when he’s taking a piss. He’s already talking like he’s going to win and he, like, Steven Shane, has a tag team partner that doesn’t even want to be there. He’s going on like beating the Colossal Connection was a big feat. Uh? Watched Unleashed. Been there, beat them. Like it’s hard for a wiry little **** to run circles around a big drunk and an even bigger dopehead. A fifteen-year-old boy’s first time last longer than those two sacks of **** do.
RYAN GALLWAY: And **** Erik Black, too!
FRANK PIERCE: Huh?
RYAN GALLWAY: Nothing, I just wanted to get that part out of the way, the aisle with all the spices and herbs is on the other side of the store. Lame drug allegory, I know, but he’ll be so stoned out of his mind by the time he hears us, this will be like the Ghosts of Richard Pryor, Mitch Hedberg, and George Carlin at Showtime at the Apollo for him.
FRANK PIERCE: Fair enough. Hey, Mack, how’s the Great C*nt Hunt going?
(When they hear no response, Frank and Ryan turn their attention back where Mack Brody was chatting up a lovely young (middle-aged?) lass in a white tee in the frozen foods aisle. I’ll let you figure out why POINTYNIPPLES.)
FRANK PIERCE: Oh, he’s doing fine. Hey, let’s go get some Frosted Mini-Wheats! That way we can tell those retards that we’re all like… sweet and awesome on one side with the sugary goodnees… the side that’s sweet, the side that entertains them and the side that makes people laugh… Then on the other, the side that not many people pay attention to, but really should… The side that will grind their f*cking faces against the cage and will peel their skin off just like a cheese through a grater…
(Ryan stares, wide-eyed at Frank as he snaps out of his trance, looking upward.)
FRANK PIERCE: Oh, snap. We need cheese. Can’t have crackers without cheese. Let’s bounce.
(And on that happy note, the tag team champions walk down the aisle as Mack Brody walks out of the store with the frozen food chick under his arm.)
(FIN)
(When your chosen profession takes you on the road a lot, you get to take in all kinds of interesting, sometimes breathtaking sights. Tourist traps, US landmarks and everything in between. So when you finally get a chance to stop and pull over, you make the best of the situation you’re in. That is why we find ourselves in a true American landmark. Say hello to…
FADE-IN: THE F*CKIN’ PIGGLY WIGGLY, B*TCHES!
Our heroes – and YOUR EPW Dynastic Devine Right Ravishing Ruling Consortium Champions… oh and they have the OFFICIAL EPW Tag Team Titles, but you already knew that – The Heirs of Wrestling were walking up and down the aisles of one of America’s greatest natural resources… The Piggly Wiggly. Our heroes needed sustenance as they were still about two hundred or so miles from the sight of their King of the Cage match against Black/Impulse and Stalker/Shane. A rest stop was crucial to their success so, here we are. Mack Brody keeps an ear out to see if the stories of a bunch of horny housewives truly lurk about. Ryan Gallway is sifting through everything that could be classified as “junk food” while Frank Pierce pushes the cart.)
RYAN GALLWAY: Dude! F*ckin’ Oreos, man! Oreos!
FRANK PIERCE: Get ‘em?
RYAN GALLWAY: Think Mack wants some?
FRANK PIERCE: Are you sh*tting me? Dude hasn’t had an actual carb since… I’m only guessing here… 2003? More for us.
MACK BRODY: (still scoping out a chick who reeks of desperation and JLo Glow) 2004, but yeah, close enough.
(Frank simply shrugged as he and Ryan continued to fill up their cart. As they continued down the cookie/cracker aisle, Ryan glanced back at Frank.)
RYAN GALLWAY: So, I never asked. King of the Cage… Shane and Stalker… Black and Impulse… I hope we were wearing condoms when they announced these brackets, because Dan Ryan sure tried to d*ck us around, huh?
FRANK PIERCE: Pfft. You’re right, though. He tried. He FAILED. Like, Situation at the Roast of Donald Trump failed.
RYAN GALLWAY: Triple threat? Where us… the champions… don’t have to be pinned or submitted to actually lose the titles? Sh*t, I knew this day would come? We’ve finally become victims of our own success!
FRANK PIERCE: (angrily throwing a box of crackers back on the shelf) And you know it’s gone to all hell when our EPW Tag Team Titles are on the line and all that these r-tards can talk about what they put in their f*cking mouths and what they’re gonna put in each other’s mouths! It’s starting to sound like professional wrestling has finally crossed over to full-blown homoeroticism as opposed to the thinly-veiled homoeroticism of two oiled-up guys grabbing each other in the ring. Stalker is YET AGAIN another in a long line of people who quote-unquote “doesn’t care” about winning gold, yet he sure as f*ck doesn’t mind running into other people’s matches like a f*cking nitwit. UH, NEWS FLASH, YOU RETARD, YOU’RE *IN* A TAG TEAM TOURNAMENT, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! DON’T COMPETE IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BE HERE.
(He grabs a box of Pepperidge Farm Cheesmen and laughed.)
FRANK PIERCE: Oh, yeah, the dumbf*ck was apparently “playing chess” with the EPW World Champion. If by “playing chess” he means “he had no talent to get anything done, so he ran into every match ever, screwed us out of our match with Anarky, and kept getting in the First’s business because nobody ever gave that watered-down sh*thead the time of day and he hasn’t done ANYTHING in EPW” then yes. He played a very successful game of chess. Bobby Fischer is doing backflips in his grave and Garry Kasparov is cursing his very existence. Damn it, I don’t want these now.
(He threw the Chessmen back onto the shelf and grumbled. Meanwhile, Ryan was trying not to incite his tag partner any further as they rounded the corner, walking through the health food aisle.)
RYAN GALLWAY: Oh, God, I feel dirty. Wheat? Egg substitute… tofurkey? TOFURKEY?! TOFURK YOURSELVES!
FRANK PIERCE: Who in God’s name would actually eat crap like this? Oh, right… Impulse. Doesn’t eat meat. Doesn’t cheat. Doesn’t stand up when he’s taking a piss. He’s already talking like he’s going to win and he, like, Steven Shane, has a tag team partner that doesn’t even want to be there. He’s going on like beating the Colossal Connection was a big feat. Uh? Watched Unleashed. Been there, beat them. Like it’s hard for a wiry little **** to run circles around a big drunk and an even bigger dopehead. A fifteen-year-old boy’s first time last longer than those two sacks of **** do.
RYAN GALLWAY: And **** Erik Black, too!
FRANK PIERCE: Huh?
RYAN GALLWAY: Nothing, I just wanted to get that part out of the way, the aisle with all the spices and herbs is on the other side of the store. Lame drug allegory, I know, but he’ll be so stoned out of his mind by the time he hears us, this will be like the Ghosts of Richard Pryor, Mitch Hedberg, and George Carlin at Showtime at the Apollo for him.
FRANK PIERCE: Fair enough. Hey, Mack, how’s the Great C*nt Hunt going?
(When they hear no response, Frank and Ryan turn their attention back where Mack Brody was chatting up a lovely young (middle-aged?) lass in a white tee in the frozen foods aisle. I’ll let you figure out why POINTYNIPPLES.)
FRANK PIERCE: Oh, he’s doing fine. Hey, let’s go get some Frosted Mini-Wheats! That way we can tell those retards that we’re all like… sweet and awesome on one side with the sugary goodnees… the side that’s sweet, the side that entertains them and the side that makes people laugh… Then on the other, the side that not many people pay attention to, but really should… The side that will grind their f*cking faces against the cage and will peel their skin off just like a cheese through a grater…
(Ryan stares, wide-eyed at Frank as he snaps out of his trance, looking upward.)
FRANK PIERCE: Oh, snap. We need cheese. Can’t have crackers without cheese. Let’s bounce.
(And on that happy note, the tag team champions walk down the aisle as Mack Brody walks out of the store with the frozen food chick under his arm.)
(FIN)
Stalker
I stalk, because I care
- Joined
- May 2, 2007
- Messages
- 894
- Points
- 18
- Age
- 40
Re: Your analogy is flawed, good sir.
(We fade into Jason Reeves. The room he is standing in is very dimly lit. Suddenly a spot light is shown bright on a picture, that Jason is standing next to. That picture is of 'The Muffin Man' Kin Hiroshi. Jason let's a long, drawn out, sign escape his mouth before speaking.)
Stalker: Here we go again. Another god damn history lesson to some f*cking pukes, who obviously, didn't know better then to start MAKING ME ANGRY!
(His voice trembles with almost pure rage and he steadies himself on the pedestal with Kin's picture on it.)
Stalker: First it started with this guy. My very first match in EPW, Frank, or should I call you nitwit? Since we are at that stage now. ANYWAYS. My very first match in EPW, was a falls count anywhere match, against none other then this man, Kin Hiroshi. You'll be quick to find out that yes I did indeed lose that match, unable to pull off the impressive 'Win' that Impulse did in his first match. But nevertheless, Kin Hiroshi was changed after that match.
He got involved in a triple threat feud for the World Title, which I of course had a hand in, he was also never able to secure that victory that he desired so much. Why was he unable to achieve that success, Frank? Because of ME! Where? You ask? Where is he now? Not here. NEXT!!
(The light cuts off from the picture of Kin Hiroshi, the camera shifts, and another light shines brightly on. This picture, is of Fusenshoff.)
Stalker: Now we have this guy, he got himself involved with me and let's just say that being managed by me didn't fit him too well. He finally got free from his obligations with me and soon after... also gone from EPW. NEXT!
(Next up, The First.)
Stalker: This is actually a funny story. So The First comes to me, begging for help to put him over Trip. He knew the relationship, between myself and Triple X was going down the gutter so he took advantage of that fact. He begged and pleaded with me, he was tired of being labeled as 'The good guy', he was tired of being unable to reach his goals. So I helped him, now Frank I know you were around for that, I know you saw what I did for him, but yet......
(Another long drawn out sigh from Jason.)
Stalker: Yet you had the BALLS to tell me, that I have not done anything.
WELL LISTEN UP B*TCH! WHAT ACCOMPLISHMENTS HAVE YOU DONE? HUH!? YOU TOOK THE TAG TITLES FROM TWO JOKES WHO WERE ONE FOOT OUT THE DOOR ALREADY! So don't...... Don't tell me about accomplishing anything.
(The anger, was easily noticed by the increased pitch in Jason's voice. He takes a few breaths before continuing.)
Now, back to The First. I did as he asked, I turned my back fully against a friend who had already betrayed me. What do I get in return? Him begging me for more HELP! Now this is a good example for you, Impulse, The First was the ultimate good guy and he quickly fell to the petty greed of needing something he couldn't earn on his own. Same story in the end, he fails to execute on his own plans, can't hold on to the ball and from what I hear has already opted out of his current EPW contract.
Another man, destroyed by my power. Next!
(Again lights go out, camera shifts, lights focus in on a picture of 'Triple X' Sean Stevens.)
Stalker: I won't dwell long on this subject, as he is a much more sensitive matter to me. All you need to know, Frank, is that I was the sole reason he was able to acquire that World Title back. From then on, well, that's another story for another day. However, this next guy. My pride and joy.
(The spotlight shut off again, camera shifts and the lights are back on again. This time it's a picture of Rocko Daymon, however instead of a promo picture, it's the picture of him standing in the middle of the EPW ring with the belt on the floor in front of him. After he had to forfeit it because of injuries.)
Stalker: Frank... this is where you need to listen and you need to listen well.
Rocko Daymon, f*cked with my career a long time ago, in a place far far away. I came to EPW with one sole purpose. That was to destroy Daymon's career. He won the title from 'Triple X' Sean Stevens, only to suffer a serious fall from a three story window, injure his shoulder severely and be forced to forfeit that title.
Now I ask you in all seriousness, you say I have not done anything? Do I look like the type of person who cares what matches I win or what matches I lose? Think about that long and hard before you respond.
I am the DESTROYER of careers, wrestlers are never the same once they feel my wrath. So... to the outspoken combatants of Frank and Impulse, I am telling you now tread lightly. Once we step into that cage at Aggression, you'll be entering my world and I am the one that decides, just how much you'll be changed once I let you leave.
(The spotlight on Rocko Daymon's picture slowly fades as the camera cuts to static.)
(We fade into Jason Reeves. The room he is standing in is very dimly lit. Suddenly a spot light is shown bright on a picture, that Jason is standing next to. That picture is of 'The Muffin Man' Kin Hiroshi. Jason let's a long, drawn out, sign escape his mouth before speaking.)
Stalker: Here we go again. Another god damn history lesson to some f*cking pukes, who obviously, didn't know better then to start MAKING ME ANGRY!
(His voice trembles with almost pure rage and he steadies himself on the pedestal with Kin's picture on it.)
Stalker: First it started with this guy. My very first match in EPW, Frank, or should I call you nitwit? Since we are at that stage now. ANYWAYS. My very first match in EPW, was a falls count anywhere match, against none other then this man, Kin Hiroshi. You'll be quick to find out that yes I did indeed lose that match, unable to pull off the impressive 'Win' that Impulse did in his first match. But nevertheless, Kin Hiroshi was changed after that match.
He got involved in a triple threat feud for the World Title, which I of course had a hand in, he was also never able to secure that victory that he desired so much. Why was he unable to achieve that success, Frank? Because of ME! Where? You ask? Where is he now? Not here. NEXT!!
(The light cuts off from the picture of Kin Hiroshi, the camera shifts, and another light shines brightly on. This picture, is of Fusenshoff.)
Stalker: Now we have this guy, he got himself involved with me and let's just say that being managed by me didn't fit him too well. He finally got free from his obligations with me and soon after... also gone from EPW. NEXT!
(Next up, The First.)
Stalker: This is actually a funny story. So The First comes to me, begging for help to put him over Trip. He knew the relationship, between myself and Triple X was going down the gutter so he took advantage of that fact. He begged and pleaded with me, he was tired of being labeled as 'The good guy', he was tired of being unable to reach his goals. So I helped him, now Frank I know you were around for that, I know you saw what I did for him, but yet......
(Another long drawn out sigh from Jason.)
Stalker: Yet you had the BALLS to tell me, that I have not done anything.
WELL LISTEN UP B*TCH! WHAT ACCOMPLISHMENTS HAVE YOU DONE? HUH!? YOU TOOK THE TAG TITLES FROM TWO JOKES WHO WERE ONE FOOT OUT THE DOOR ALREADY! So don't...... Don't tell me about accomplishing anything.
(The anger, was easily noticed by the increased pitch in Jason's voice. He takes a few breaths before continuing.)
Now, back to The First. I did as he asked, I turned my back fully against a friend who had already betrayed me. What do I get in return? Him begging me for more HELP! Now this is a good example for you, Impulse, The First was the ultimate good guy and he quickly fell to the petty greed of needing something he couldn't earn on his own. Same story in the end, he fails to execute on his own plans, can't hold on to the ball and from what I hear has already opted out of his current EPW contract.
Another man, destroyed by my power. Next!
(Again lights go out, camera shifts, lights focus in on a picture of 'Triple X' Sean Stevens.)
Stalker: I won't dwell long on this subject, as he is a much more sensitive matter to me. All you need to know, Frank, is that I was the sole reason he was able to acquire that World Title back. From then on, well, that's another story for another day. However, this next guy. My pride and joy.
(The spotlight shut off again, camera shifts and the lights are back on again. This time it's a picture of Rocko Daymon, however instead of a promo picture, it's the picture of him standing in the middle of the EPW ring with the belt on the floor in front of him. After he had to forfeit it because of injuries.)
Stalker: Frank... this is where you need to listen and you need to listen well.
Rocko Daymon, f*cked with my career a long time ago, in a place far far away. I came to EPW with one sole purpose. That was to destroy Daymon's career. He won the title from 'Triple X' Sean Stevens, only to suffer a serious fall from a three story window, injure his shoulder severely and be forced to forfeit that title.
Now I ask you in all seriousness, you say I have not done anything? Do I look like the type of person who cares what matches I win or what matches I lose? Think about that long and hard before you respond.
I am the DESTROYER of careers, wrestlers are never the same once they feel my wrath. So... to the outspoken combatants of Frank and Impulse, I am telling you now tread lightly. Once we step into that cage at Aggression, you'll be entering my world and I am the one that decides, just how much you'll be changed once I let you leave.
(The spotlight on Rocko Daymon's picture slowly fades as the camera cuts to static.)
User Poets
The Shadow Pope
- Joined
- Jan 6, 1995
- Messages
- 2,192
- Points
- 36
- Age
- 44
- Location
- Top of the Pile
- Website
- www.valeriansgarden.com
Five Minutes with Impulse
(FADEIN
On my kitchen. Specifically, my oven. Jack of all trades. Zoom in on the dial and it's set to 'broil.'
I've got about five minutes.
And... go.)
"I'm glad to have seen that the Champions have made an appearance, with all of the rambling that Stalker and I were doing toward each other it's easy to forget that this is a match for the Empire World Tag Team Championship... and that neither Erik Black and I, nor Stalker and Shane, have the belts."
Yet.
"And I agree with you, Gallway - any match where a Champion can lose their championship without being pinned or giving up is not a match I agree with. If you've got the belts, you shouldn't lose them just because I pinned Stalker."
Or vice versa. Gotta be fair.
"But that's the situation we're in. So I'll tell you straight out. If Erik Black and I should happen to win this match via pinfall or submission over Stalker and Steven Shane, you will get your rematch right there at Aggression 58, two on two, with no cage and no excuses on any side. See, I believe in fair play and an honest day's work."
"Of course, what I don't understand is how you've managed to hold onto those belts for so long while thoroughly missing the point, every single time. Is it ignorance, or is it apathy?"
You don't know, and you don't care. Ba dum bum.
"I watched you defeat the Colossals at Unleashed. I know you defeated the Colossals at Unleashed. I was impressed. But that's just par for the course, no? You're the Champions, you should be the best team in the Empire. It should always be considered an upset when titles change hands."
Although I didn't like the shrug of the shoulders. While it should be all in a day's work to defend your championships and move on, every opponent deserves the respect on the level of the top contender. The moment you forget that, you're on borrowed time.
"No, I don't cheat. I don't consider cheating to be part of a competent wrestler's arsenal. If you're wondering how I could possibly survive this business with a pair of handcuffs like that, like Stalker, I direct you to Aggression 56. My point was not that we defeated the Colossals."
After all, you already did that. Why should you be impressed?
"My point was that Erik Black and I did it clean."
"I know that's not a very common thing in the world of professional wrestling, two - thousand - and - eleven edition, but that's how I do things, and at least so far, Erik has not made an issue of it with me."
Probably because we won.
"But why does it matter, Frankie? Isn't that the common defense of the low and the underhanded, that nobody cares how the wins happened, they only care who got it? I can't even tell you how many times I've heard that growing up, typically when the win was the result of interference, a foreign object, or a crooked referee."
"Why is there such attention on my Rules of Engagement, when all I've done is reverse the needle?"
A timer sounded. Two and a half minutes are up. I opened the oven with an oven - mitted - hand, pulled out my trusty cast iron pot, and flipped the two steaks over.
"What?"
"Were you inferring that I was vegan, solely based on my support for one of my friends' business ventures? They also own a bar in Park Slope called Lucky 13, does that make me a sodding wet drunkard?"
"What if we were all held to the same standard, gentlemen? Would I be able to kick back and relax because, as a bunch of oreo - chugging ADD hypercases who wander supermarket aisles talking about nothing in particular, you obviously don't have the chops to take down an actual wrestler?"
See how inaccurate broad generalizations are? See how much I left out by pointing at the easy parts and ignoring the rest of it?
"Mini - wheat analogy aside, gentlemen... you're absolutely right when you say you've got two sides to you. There's the side that trolls supermarkets for junk food and young mommies... and the side that's going to use the cage to scrape the skin off our faces. Like a cheese grater."
Pause.
"No."
"You're not."
"You might win, guys. You might dominate this match with your majestic bovine right, and you might leave we other four people involved sitting in the corner, shaking our heads, wondering why we ever thought we belonged in the same time zone as the Raving Ruling Contortionist Champions, but the rest of it sounded like you were just copying Stalker's homework."
"Jason said he's going to feed me the cage. You said you were going to grate my head against it like cheese. A once - removed, poorly - thought - out threat is still poorly - thought - out. Should I join the party?"
Cough.
"I'm going to squeeze your heads like grapefruits."
"There, now the meal of a cage and cheesy skin now has a beverage."
"See how ridiculous it sounds?"
"I talk like we're going to win, Frank, because the only thing I have control over in this match is myself and what I can do. And yes, that's enough to win this match."
"Do you have what it takes to beat me? Do Stalker and Shane? I don't know, because I've never faced any of you before. Maybe one or all of you will give me a proper welcome to the Empire, sending me back home to Washington Heights with my head in a sling and a re-evaluation of whether or not I can cut the muster here."
"But probably not."
"Like I said, the only thing I can control in this match is myself. Which means I won't be eating a cage, or getting my skin peeled off like cheese. If that's your game plan, you've already lost."
"Because while you're trying to ponder the impossible anatomy of your plan, Erik Black and I will be walking into the finals of the King of the Cage. With or without the World Tag Team Championships."
Ding.
I pulled the pan out of the oven again and plated the two steaks.
...Drat. There's still a few minutes before we can eat these, and besides, I just heard the shower turn off. Rose won't be out for at least a few more minutes.
Improv? Improv.
"History is important, Stalker... those of us who don't learn from it are doomed to repeat it, just like it said outside Jonestown. But let me ask you a question, what do Kin Hiroshi, Rocko Daymon, The First, or Sean Stevens have to do with myself, Erik Black, or the Heirs of Wrestling? None of them are involved with any of us, so how can you pretend to anticipate our reactions to you and your career destruction by extrapolating theirs?"
"The First was the ultimate good guy, Jason? The First was a neo - Goth reject whose legacy was sealed the moment has went to you for help to get over on Stevens. If he really had the chops - if he really belonged - he would have done it on his own."
"Which is why Anarky has the World Title now; The First was dead to rights until you distracted Stevens."
"I don't mean to be so harsh toward Brian, but I have very particular ideas over how titles are won and lost. I don't believe that its' fair that the Heirs could lose their titles in Pensacola without being pinned, but at least they're part of the match, and have their destiny in their own hands. "
It's like Jay Leno hawking Doritos... like Bill Hicks said, once you do a commercial you're off the artistic roll call, everything you say is suspect, and everything you believe in has a price tag on it.
Just heard the door open... which means it's about time to call it a day.
"Like you said, Jason... the four men in your history lesson are all long gone from the Empire."
"But I hope you've got some new tricks... because despite your arrogance, you don't have what it takes to remove me from this company."
"And you never will."
FADE
(FADEIN
On my kitchen. Specifically, my oven. Jack of all trades. Zoom in on the dial and it's set to 'broil.'
I've got about five minutes.
And... go.)
"I'm glad to have seen that the Champions have made an appearance, with all of the rambling that Stalker and I were doing toward each other it's easy to forget that this is a match for the Empire World Tag Team Championship... and that neither Erik Black and I, nor Stalker and Shane, have the belts."
Yet.
"And I agree with you, Gallway - any match where a Champion can lose their championship without being pinned or giving up is not a match I agree with. If you've got the belts, you shouldn't lose them just because I pinned Stalker."
Or vice versa. Gotta be fair.
"But that's the situation we're in. So I'll tell you straight out. If Erik Black and I should happen to win this match via pinfall or submission over Stalker and Steven Shane, you will get your rematch right there at Aggression 58, two on two, with no cage and no excuses on any side. See, I believe in fair play and an honest day's work."
"Of course, what I don't understand is how you've managed to hold onto those belts for so long while thoroughly missing the point, every single time. Is it ignorance, or is it apathy?"
You don't know, and you don't care. Ba dum bum.
"I watched you defeat the Colossals at Unleashed. I know you defeated the Colossals at Unleashed. I was impressed. But that's just par for the course, no? You're the Champions, you should be the best team in the Empire. It should always be considered an upset when titles change hands."
Although I didn't like the shrug of the shoulders. While it should be all in a day's work to defend your championships and move on, every opponent deserves the respect on the level of the top contender. The moment you forget that, you're on borrowed time.
"No, I don't cheat. I don't consider cheating to be part of a competent wrestler's arsenal. If you're wondering how I could possibly survive this business with a pair of handcuffs like that, like Stalker, I direct you to Aggression 56. My point was not that we defeated the Colossals."
After all, you already did that. Why should you be impressed?
"My point was that Erik Black and I did it clean."
"I know that's not a very common thing in the world of professional wrestling, two - thousand - and - eleven edition, but that's how I do things, and at least so far, Erik has not made an issue of it with me."
Probably because we won.
"But why does it matter, Frankie? Isn't that the common defense of the low and the underhanded, that nobody cares how the wins happened, they only care who got it? I can't even tell you how many times I've heard that growing up, typically when the win was the result of interference, a foreign object, or a crooked referee."
"Why is there such attention on my Rules of Engagement, when all I've done is reverse the needle?"
A timer sounded. Two and a half minutes are up. I opened the oven with an oven - mitted - hand, pulled out my trusty cast iron pot, and flipped the two steaks over.
"What?"
"Were you inferring that I was vegan, solely based on my support for one of my friends' business ventures? They also own a bar in Park Slope called Lucky 13, does that make me a sodding wet drunkard?"
"What if we were all held to the same standard, gentlemen? Would I be able to kick back and relax because, as a bunch of oreo - chugging ADD hypercases who wander supermarket aisles talking about nothing in particular, you obviously don't have the chops to take down an actual wrestler?"
See how inaccurate broad generalizations are? See how much I left out by pointing at the easy parts and ignoring the rest of it?
"Mini - wheat analogy aside, gentlemen... you're absolutely right when you say you've got two sides to you. There's the side that trolls supermarkets for junk food and young mommies... and the side that's going to use the cage to scrape the skin off our faces. Like a cheese grater."
Pause.
"No."
"You're not."
"You might win, guys. You might dominate this match with your majestic bovine right, and you might leave we other four people involved sitting in the corner, shaking our heads, wondering why we ever thought we belonged in the same time zone as the Raving Ruling Contortionist Champions, but the rest of it sounded like you were just copying Stalker's homework."
"Jason said he's going to feed me the cage. You said you were going to grate my head against it like cheese. A once - removed, poorly - thought - out threat is still poorly - thought - out. Should I join the party?"
Cough.
"I'm going to squeeze your heads like grapefruits."
"There, now the meal of a cage and cheesy skin now has a beverage."
"See how ridiculous it sounds?"
"I talk like we're going to win, Frank, because the only thing I have control over in this match is myself and what I can do. And yes, that's enough to win this match."
"Do you have what it takes to beat me? Do Stalker and Shane? I don't know, because I've never faced any of you before. Maybe one or all of you will give me a proper welcome to the Empire, sending me back home to Washington Heights with my head in a sling and a re-evaluation of whether or not I can cut the muster here."
"But probably not."
"Like I said, the only thing I can control in this match is myself. Which means I won't be eating a cage, or getting my skin peeled off like cheese. If that's your game plan, you've already lost."
"Because while you're trying to ponder the impossible anatomy of your plan, Erik Black and I will be walking into the finals of the King of the Cage. With or without the World Tag Team Championships."
Ding.
I pulled the pan out of the oven again and plated the two steaks.
...Drat. There's still a few minutes before we can eat these, and besides, I just heard the shower turn off. Rose won't be out for at least a few more minutes.
Improv? Improv.
"History is important, Stalker... those of us who don't learn from it are doomed to repeat it, just like it said outside Jonestown. But let me ask you a question, what do Kin Hiroshi, Rocko Daymon, The First, or Sean Stevens have to do with myself, Erik Black, or the Heirs of Wrestling? None of them are involved with any of us, so how can you pretend to anticipate our reactions to you and your career destruction by extrapolating theirs?"
"The First was the ultimate good guy, Jason? The First was a neo - Goth reject whose legacy was sealed the moment has went to you for help to get over on Stevens. If he really had the chops - if he really belonged - he would have done it on his own."
"Which is why Anarky has the World Title now; The First was dead to rights until you distracted Stevens."
"I don't mean to be so harsh toward Brian, but I have very particular ideas over how titles are won and lost. I don't believe that its' fair that the Heirs could lose their titles in Pensacola without being pinned, but at least they're part of the match, and have their destiny in their own hands. "
It's like Jay Leno hawking Doritos... like Bill Hicks said, once you do a commercial you're off the artistic roll call, everything you say is suspect, and everything you believe in has a price tag on it.
Just heard the door open... which means it's about time to call it a day.
"Like you said, Jason... the four men in your history lesson are all long gone from the Empire."
"But I hope you've got some new tricks... because despite your arrogance, you don't have what it takes to remove me from this company."
"And you never will."
FADE
Last edited:
- Joined
- Feb 4, 2005
- Messages
- 1,143
- Points
- 38
Re: Five Minutes with Impulse
“Decisions, decisions!”
(FADE-IN: Our heroes, the Heirs of Wrestling are back on the road after a few hours of Mack… well, putting himself into MACKTION~! On some random Piggly Wiggly chick he had a quickie with in a bathroom stall next door. Brody was at the wheel of the rental van, Ryan Gallway was loaded up on sugar and holding up a jittery camera. It was a bad combination, for sure, but Mack had to drive the car, Alexandria Malone was catching a red-eye out of Texas, so by process of elimination, Frank Pierce sat in the back of their rental car, shaking his head.)
FRANK PIERCE: Let me get this out of the way now. If I actually HAD to show respect to any of you collective r-tards… like, say somebody had a gun to my head and said “pick the level of respect you’d show to Erik Black, Impulse, Stalker and… uh… ****, other guy. “Sensational” Sean Shane or “Simply Sensational” Steven Edmunds.” You know, cause the gunman wouldn’t know who that guy was, either, nobody does. “Pick the level of respect or I’ll shoot you in the face right here right now.” I would at least respect Impulse a hell of a lot more than Erik Black who hasn’t showed and… ****. Other guy. Him. Then at the bottom of the barrel, Stalker, whose only claim to fame is having the biggest sour f*cking grapes in all of Empire Pro Wrestling history. His claim to fame is losing matches and cheap shotting people. I mean, when WE’VE cheapshotted people, we’ve won tag gold in about five different organizations, but the bottom line is we have success to show for it.
RYAN GALLWAY: Oh, but he beat Rocko Daymon. It’s time to call it a day.
FRANK PIERCE: Yeah, he ran Rocko Daymon out. Bully for him. What, 2009-ish? Right before we got here? We’re now coming up on a quarter of the way through 2011 and what has he done lately? Throw the equivalent of the biggest, most exacerbated b*tchfit I’ve ever seen from one child. He’s a child acting out and if I had a time machine, I’d go back to whatever year he was born with nothing but rage and a coat hanger.
RYAN GALLWAY: Oh, you can’t forget, too. He has the market CORNERED on cutting static, generic 1999 promos in macabre-looking broom closets and dark rooms. He’s a natural at finding those settings.
FRANK PIERCE: That he is, Ry. That he is. I mean all WE’VE done is hold gold and pretty much dominate a tag team division and kicked all possible competition out of our path so far for the last nine, going on ten months. I mean, it PALES in comparison to the fact he name-dropped a ****-ton of people I’ve never bothered to Wikipedia. F*ck it all, guys, Barry Windham sure showed us.
(Frank takes his jacket and throws it on the ground, in a total exaggerated, whiny fashion. One MIGHT even call it in Stalker fashion.)
RYAN GALLWAY: Haha. Silly doucher.
FRANK PIERCE: Yeah. And Impulse. I can appreciate the fact that like us, you at least have the ability to cut promos in different settings while Stalker is sitting dark somewhere, touching himself and waiting for somebody to come by with a dictionary to explain the words “character development.” But that’s as far as pleasantries end. So, yeah, you eat meat. Holy sh*tsnacks! You proved us wrong, too! You’re a good, red-blooded American male after all!
(With a derisive snort, Frank laughed under his breath.)
FRANK PIERCE: But you sit back and call us formulaic when at the bottom of all this, the only true message you’ve had for all involved is “I DON’T CHEAT! I DON’T CHEAT! I DON'T CHEAT!” until you turned blue in the face. At this rate, we might as well make the Impulse promo a scientific method because there’s so many variables, you always need a constant!
Pfft. We get it. You’re all about playing fair. A tip from me to you, you should get yourself Rosetta Stone so you can at least tell people you don’t cheat in other languages. That’d be pretty neat. But you call us the atypical underhanded, ne’er-do-wells when at your core; the most you are is skinny little vanilla midget babyface #2345808 who can wrestle, but couldn’t draw flies to ****. So while you’re sitting there, decrying our way of life while you play with your easy-bake oven, just remember this…
(Reaching in the backseat, he procures a duffel bag. He unzips it and starts searching through its contents.)
FRANK PIERCE: It’s not a moral compass so straight that you could ram up somebody’s asshole that makes you a champion. It’s not the hardest-working moron who has little to no life, so he spends every last waking moment learning wrestling moves that make you a champion. Hell, I’ll swing the judgmental pendulum our way. It’s not even the guys that kick people when they’re down, make children cry, make a quick-witted joke, score with young moms, and look good that make champions.
(Reaching into the bag, he finally finds what he’s looking for. Smiling for the still-sorta-kinda-jittery camera, Frank holds up the objects of everybody’s desire in this tournament. The EPW Tag Team Titles. Sure, in the past, they’ve been mishandled by the Heirs in favor of their gaudy piece-of-**** vanity titles, but the point still stands.)
FRANK PIERCE: It’s THESE that make us champions.
(FIN)
“Decisions, decisions!”
(FADE-IN: Our heroes, the Heirs of Wrestling are back on the road after a few hours of Mack… well, putting himself into MACKTION~! On some random Piggly Wiggly chick he had a quickie with in a bathroom stall next door. Brody was at the wheel of the rental van, Ryan Gallway was loaded up on sugar and holding up a jittery camera. It was a bad combination, for sure, but Mack had to drive the car, Alexandria Malone was catching a red-eye out of Texas, so by process of elimination, Frank Pierce sat in the back of their rental car, shaking his head.)
FRANK PIERCE: Let me get this out of the way now. If I actually HAD to show respect to any of you collective r-tards… like, say somebody had a gun to my head and said “pick the level of respect you’d show to Erik Black, Impulse, Stalker and… uh… ****, other guy. “Sensational” Sean Shane or “Simply Sensational” Steven Edmunds.” You know, cause the gunman wouldn’t know who that guy was, either, nobody does. “Pick the level of respect or I’ll shoot you in the face right here right now.” I would at least respect Impulse a hell of a lot more than Erik Black who hasn’t showed and… ****. Other guy. Him. Then at the bottom of the barrel, Stalker, whose only claim to fame is having the biggest sour f*cking grapes in all of Empire Pro Wrestling history. His claim to fame is losing matches and cheap shotting people. I mean, when WE’VE cheapshotted people, we’ve won tag gold in about five different organizations, but the bottom line is we have success to show for it.
RYAN GALLWAY: Oh, but he beat Rocko Daymon. It’s time to call it a day.
FRANK PIERCE: Yeah, he ran Rocko Daymon out. Bully for him. What, 2009-ish? Right before we got here? We’re now coming up on a quarter of the way through 2011 and what has he done lately? Throw the equivalent of the biggest, most exacerbated b*tchfit I’ve ever seen from one child. He’s a child acting out and if I had a time machine, I’d go back to whatever year he was born with nothing but rage and a coat hanger.
RYAN GALLWAY: Oh, you can’t forget, too. He has the market CORNERED on cutting static, generic 1999 promos in macabre-looking broom closets and dark rooms. He’s a natural at finding those settings.
FRANK PIERCE: That he is, Ry. That he is. I mean all WE’VE done is hold gold and pretty much dominate a tag team division and kicked all possible competition out of our path so far for the last nine, going on ten months. I mean, it PALES in comparison to the fact he name-dropped a ****-ton of people I’ve never bothered to Wikipedia. F*ck it all, guys, Barry Windham sure showed us.
(Frank takes his jacket and throws it on the ground, in a total exaggerated, whiny fashion. One MIGHT even call it in Stalker fashion.)
RYAN GALLWAY: Haha. Silly doucher.
FRANK PIERCE: Yeah. And Impulse. I can appreciate the fact that like us, you at least have the ability to cut promos in different settings while Stalker is sitting dark somewhere, touching himself and waiting for somebody to come by with a dictionary to explain the words “character development.” But that’s as far as pleasantries end. So, yeah, you eat meat. Holy sh*tsnacks! You proved us wrong, too! You’re a good, red-blooded American male after all!
(With a derisive snort, Frank laughed under his breath.)
FRANK PIERCE: But you sit back and call us formulaic when at the bottom of all this, the only true message you’ve had for all involved is “I DON’T CHEAT! I DON’T CHEAT! I DON'T CHEAT!” until you turned blue in the face. At this rate, we might as well make the Impulse promo a scientific method because there’s so many variables, you always need a constant!
Pfft. We get it. You’re all about playing fair. A tip from me to you, you should get yourself Rosetta Stone so you can at least tell people you don’t cheat in other languages. That’d be pretty neat. But you call us the atypical underhanded, ne’er-do-wells when at your core; the most you are is skinny little vanilla midget babyface #2345808 who can wrestle, but couldn’t draw flies to ****. So while you’re sitting there, decrying our way of life while you play with your easy-bake oven, just remember this…
(Reaching in the backseat, he procures a duffel bag. He unzips it and starts searching through its contents.)
FRANK PIERCE: It’s not a moral compass so straight that you could ram up somebody’s asshole that makes you a champion. It’s not the hardest-working moron who has little to no life, so he spends every last waking moment learning wrestling moves that make you a champion. Hell, I’ll swing the judgmental pendulum our way. It’s not even the guys that kick people when they’re down, make children cry, make a quick-witted joke, score with young moms, and look good that make champions.
(Reaching into the bag, he finally finds what he’s looking for. Smiling for the still-sorta-kinda-jittery camera, Frank holds up the objects of everybody’s desire in this tournament. The EPW Tag Team Titles. Sure, in the past, they’ve been mishandled by the Heirs in favor of their gaudy piece-of-**** vanity titles, but the point still stands.)
FRANK PIERCE: It’s THESE that make us champions.
(FIN)
User Poets
The Shadow Pope
- Joined
- Jan 6, 1995
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- 2,192
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- Location
- Top of the Pile
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Re: Five Minutes with Impulse
FADEIN
On a nondescript looking surface; my apartment door. On it, there is a note.
Dear Frank Pierce, et al:
As this repartee has quickly devolved into a back and forth
of "Blah, blah, blah," retorted by a "Oh yeah? Well, Blah,
Blah, Blah," rebutted by a "So what? I don't care about
blah, blah, blah to begin with," I'm going to give us all
a break and put an end to the hostilities.
The belts make you Champions. This was never in dispute.
I wrestle by the rules. This was also never in dispute. I
have also won match after match after match in other
wrestling companies wrestling by the rules, and the only
thing that has prevented me from doing so in the Empire
to date is time and opponents. Because the Empire is
the only thing that matters here.
You will walk into the arena in Pensacola with the belts
and you will defend them like Champions. We're just
going to have to see if it's enough to walk out with
the belts as well.
Do you feel lucky?
Sincerely,
Randall Knox.
We don't fade out, because there's nobody here to turn the camera off.
FADEIN
On a nondescript looking surface; my apartment door. On it, there is a note.
Dear Frank Pierce, et al:
As this repartee has quickly devolved into a back and forth
of "Blah, blah, blah," retorted by a "Oh yeah? Well, Blah,
Blah, Blah," rebutted by a "So what? I don't care about
blah, blah, blah to begin with," I'm going to give us all
a break and put an end to the hostilities.
The belts make you Champions. This was never in dispute.
I wrestle by the rules. This was also never in dispute. I
have also won match after match after match in other
wrestling companies wrestling by the rules, and the only
thing that has prevented me from doing so in the Empire
to date is time and opponents. Because the Empire is
the only thing that matters here.
You will walk into the arena in Pensacola with the belts
and you will defend them like Champions. We're just
going to have to see if it's enough to walk out with
the belts as well.
Do you feel lucky?
Sincerely,
Randall Knox.
We don't fade out, because there's nobody here to turn the camera off.
Stalker
I stalk, because I care
- Joined
- May 2, 2007
- Messages
- 894
- Points
- 18
- Age
- 40
Re: Five Minutes with Impulse
(We fade into Jason Reeves sitting in front of a tie dyed background. Yes tie dyed.)
Stalker: 1999 eh? How old were you "r-tards" back then? Eight? Nine? Or was it five or six? To be honest i'm starting to think you morons haven't even had your nuts dropped yet.
Yeah I said it.
It's pretty pathetic actually that you failed to see the whole point of what I was trying to explain to you. Yes, Frank, you. If I really, truly, desired it and wanted it with all of my heart to be undefeated in Empire Pro, then I would be. If I so desired to win any of the championships while i've been here, then I would have. I am sorry if my scope on the world is much larger then the next sugar high i'm going to acquire.
However, now I want that World Championship, and I will have it. Now, I want to see The Heirs of Wrestling lose their belts and I will. Maybe it won't be at this Aggression, maybe it won't be for another year, but trust me I will have a part to play in your team losing those belts.
My only claim to fame is far more then simply cheap shots. Again, if you had listened to me, you would have realized that. You choose not to. You choose to ignore everything I was trying to get across to you Frank. So now, like I warned you, you will feel my wrath. If you want to know what happens when others feel my wrath feel free to take a listen to what I said in my last promo again. Obviously the first time it went in one ear and out the other.
Now to Impulse. Yes, The First was that ultimate good guy, obviously you didn't see just how much those idiot fans loved him. He was a reject yes, he was a Neo goth yes, he was also trying to take down an evil king. The fans could do nothing but cheer and love him to death which THEY DID. However I was also not saying that he belonged, he did come to me like a girl, crying for help in his troubles with Stevens, that did prove his weakness. The only help I ever received from anyone in EPW was from idiots too stupid to realize they were being manipulated by me.
Just like you are being manipulated by me now. You are walking into everything for me, I am already setting you up, for your fall. Your lovely world of 'Wrestling' doesn't know what it's like to be against someone who will never follow the rules, and will always break them EVEN when you least expect it.
You may have never met, that person, that you could not take down with out some fresh steel upside their skull. Well that is until we meet. I am absolutely salivating at the experience I will have at this Aggression, there is so much hate built up already and none of us have even stepped foot in the ring as opponents before! I love it!
Impulse with the strong will to prove just how big his dong really is. Frank with the weak will to show just how 'R-Tarded' he is. As for everyone else? Well my partner for one, all he needs to care about is staying out of my way while i'm handling you two idiots. As for the rest well.. besides Erik the rest of you are just a waste of breath.
Erik knows our time is coming soon as well, just like Anarky knows his number is coming up against me. Just like Impulse knows that the Heirs will not walk out champions after Aggression.
Just like all the other fools before you that have crossed paths with me, this is only the start. Of a very long and very painful journey. Oh and Frank, is the tie dye background better for you? Sorry again if I prefer to cut actual 'Wrestling Promos'.
(Static...... yes.)
(We fade into Jason Reeves sitting in front of a tie dyed background. Yes tie dyed.)
Stalker: 1999 eh? How old were you "r-tards" back then? Eight? Nine? Or was it five or six? To be honest i'm starting to think you morons haven't even had your nuts dropped yet.
Yeah I said it.
It's pretty pathetic actually that you failed to see the whole point of what I was trying to explain to you. Yes, Frank, you. If I really, truly, desired it and wanted it with all of my heart to be undefeated in Empire Pro, then I would be. If I so desired to win any of the championships while i've been here, then I would have. I am sorry if my scope on the world is much larger then the next sugar high i'm going to acquire.
However, now I want that World Championship, and I will have it. Now, I want to see The Heirs of Wrestling lose their belts and I will. Maybe it won't be at this Aggression, maybe it won't be for another year, but trust me I will have a part to play in your team losing those belts.
My only claim to fame is far more then simply cheap shots. Again, if you had listened to me, you would have realized that. You choose not to. You choose to ignore everything I was trying to get across to you Frank. So now, like I warned you, you will feel my wrath. If you want to know what happens when others feel my wrath feel free to take a listen to what I said in my last promo again. Obviously the first time it went in one ear and out the other.
Now to Impulse. Yes, The First was that ultimate good guy, obviously you didn't see just how much those idiot fans loved him. He was a reject yes, he was a Neo goth yes, he was also trying to take down an evil king. The fans could do nothing but cheer and love him to death which THEY DID. However I was also not saying that he belonged, he did come to me like a girl, crying for help in his troubles with Stevens, that did prove his weakness. The only help I ever received from anyone in EPW was from idiots too stupid to realize they were being manipulated by me.
Just like you are being manipulated by me now. You are walking into everything for me, I am already setting you up, for your fall. Your lovely world of 'Wrestling' doesn't know what it's like to be against someone who will never follow the rules, and will always break them EVEN when you least expect it.
You may have never met, that person, that you could not take down with out some fresh steel upside their skull. Well that is until we meet. I am absolutely salivating at the experience I will have at this Aggression, there is so much hate built up already and none of us have even stepped foot in the ring as opponents before! I love it!
Impulse with the strong will to prove just how big his dong really is. Frank with the weak will to show just how 'R-Tarded' he is. As for everyone else? Well my partner for one, all he needs to care about is staying out of my way while i'm handling you two idiots. As for the rest well.. besides Erik the rest of you are just a waste of breath.
Erik knows our time is coming soon as well, just like Anarky knows his number is coming up against me. Just like Impulse knows that the Heirs will not walk out champions after Aggression.
Just like all the other fools before you that have crossed paths with me, this is only the start. Of a very long and very painful journey. Oh and Frank, is the tie dye background better for you? Sorry again if I prefer to cut actual 'Wrestling Promos'.
(Static...... yes.)
Last edited:
thegr817deuce
League Member
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2004
- Messages
- 438
- Points
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- Age
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Re: Five Minutes with Impulse
(The scene opens up to James Murphy walking outside of the arena. We see him fast approaching a man getting into a car. As we draw nearer, we see that the man approaching the car is none other than “Sensational” Steven Shane. James reaches out to him as Shane opens the car door.)
James: Shane! Steven Shane! Where are you going?
Shane: To the video store.
James: But your match for the tag team titles is coming up soon!
Shane: Oh, I don’t have to go to that.
James: Why’s that?
Shane: Stalker’s got it wrapped up. Guy’s gonna show the world how one guy can beat four. Or is it five? Doesn’t matter. You saw him say it, right?
James: Well, he did say that YOU didn’t have anything to worry about. Did you really take that as REALLY not coming to the ring for your match?
Shane: I can’t even get my own music played. It’s clear this guy is the whole team.
James: So, if you’re not going to wrestle, where are you going?
Shane: I told you the video store.
James: But why?
Shane: To get my copy of MegaMind. The EPW check just cleared.
James: Are you serious?
Shane: Obviously not. Apparently, everyone can proclaim themselves as students of the craft or really anything that they want, but they can’t be bothered to actually LEARN anything.
James: What are you talking about?
Shane: I’m going to pick up a copy of “Simply Sensational”: Steven Shane’s Greatest Hits. No one seems to think that multiple tag team or singles titles are worth anything, so I want them to actually see some action.
James: So you feel as though you’re being disrespected?
Shane: Absolutely not. I’m just hoping that if I can distract them a little bit a guy might be able to actually relax before his championship match. My head hurts from watching all that TV yesterday.
James: They certainly had a war of words going on.
Shane: Massacre is more like it. I’m surprised someone didn’t have an aneurism with all the “intensity” they’re bringing to the match.
James: Speaking of people bringing it, what is your take on the absence of Erik Black thus far this week?
Shane: Who’s that?
James: He’s Impulse’s partner in the tournament.
Shane: Really? I thought Impulse was doing all the work himself.
James: Well, I guess you raise a valid point after Erik Black ditched Impulse in the ring last week.
Shane: So what did he have to say?
James: He hasn’t said anything.
Shane: I think I like this guy.
James: Most would see it as an area of concern.
Shane: I don’t.
James: And why’s that?
Shane: It means the others aren’t contagious. I was worried I might catch something when I got in the ring and wouldn’t be able to shut up myself.
James: So what about the tag team champions? They finally spoke out after we last spoke.
Shane: Oh yeah, pure hilarity. Oreos, douches, mistaking people’s names. All the stuff wonderful interviews are made of. They find themselves above Stalker because their clichés are from Y2K, not 1999.
James: So you feel as though the champs are phoning it in?
Shane: Phoning it in or just plain sucking. Is this really what EPW has become in my absence?
James: Well, they’re actually quite talented. If anything, the EPW’s talent level has risen. These guys are just that good.
Shane: That good? At what? Pulling a James Carville on when the last carb was eaten? Gimme a break.
James: Well, be that as it may, they ARE the EPW Tag Team Champions.
Shane: For that simple fact, I really hope Stalker can pull this thing out this week.
James: You’re really not going to help him?
Shane: Why should I? He’s got it under control.
James: Well, okay Shane. Thank you for your time. Anything else you want to add?
Shane: Absolutely. If I must, I will show up to help prevent Impulse from winning this match.
James: Why the clear intent on keeping the newcomer from winning?
Shane: Because then we have to listen to him run his mouth for TWO matches next week!
James: Why would that happen?
Shane: Because the brainiac promised the terrible trio a rematch next week if he wins. Add that to his King of the Cage match, and you have one shrimp that I’d rather see left off the plate.
James: Excellent point, Shane.
Shane: That’s why I said it.
James: Okay. Again, thanks for the time, Shane. Anything else?
Shane: Have your pets spayed or neutered.
James: Really?
Shane: Keep asking, I’ll keep adding.
James: Fine. Good point, Shane. We’ll see you next time.
Shane: See ya, Jamal.
James: Really?
(The scene opens up to James Murphy walking outside of the arena. We see him fast approaching a man getting into a car. As we draw nearer, we see that the man approaching the car is none other than “Sensational” Steven Shane. James reaches out to him as Shane opens the car door.)
James: Shane! Steven Shane! Where are you going?
Shane: To the video store.
James: But your match for the tag team titles is coming up soon!
Shane: Oh, I don’t have to go to that.
James: Why’s that?
Shane: Stalker’s got it wrapped up. Guy’s gonna show the world how one guy can beat four. Or is it five? Doesn’t matter. You saw him say it, right?
James: Well, he did say that YOU didn’t have anything to worry about. Did you really take that as REALLY not coming to the ring for your match?
Shane: I can’t even get my own music played. It’s clear this guy is the whole team.
James: So, if you’re not going to wrestle, where are you going?
Shane: I told you the video store.
James: But why?
Shane: To get my copy of MegaMind. The EPW check just cleared.
James: Are you serious?
Shane: Obviously not. Apparently, everyone can proclaim themselves as students of the craft or really anything that they want, but they can’t be bothered to actually LEARN anything.
James: What are you talking about?
Shane: I’m going to pick up a copy of “Simply Sensational”: Steven Shane’s Greatest Hits. No one seems to think that multiple tag team or singles titles are worth anything, so I want them to actually see some action.
James: So you feel as though you’re being disrespected?
Shane: Absolutely not. I’m just hoping that if I can distract them a little bit a guy might be able to actually relax before his championship match. My head hurts from watching all that TV yesterday.
James: They certainly had a war of words going on.
Shane: Massacre is more like it. I’m surprised someone didn’t have an aneurism with all the “intensity” they’re bringing to the match.
James: Speaking of people bringing it, what is your take on the absence of Erik Black thus far this week?
Shane: Who’s that?
James: He’s Impulse’s partner in the tournament.
Shane: Really? I thought Impulse was doing all the work himself.
James: Well, I guess you raise a valid point after Erik Black ditched Impulse in the ring last week.
Shane: So what did he have to say?
James: He hasn’t said anything.
Shane: I think I like this guy.
James: Most would see it as an area of concern.
Shane: I don’t.
James: And why’s that?
Shane: It means the others aren’t contagious. I was worried I might catch something when I got in the ring and wouldn’t be able to shut up myself.
James: So what about the tag team champions? They finally spoke out after we last spoke.
Shane: Oh yeah, pure hilarity. Oreos, douches, mistaking people’s names. All the stuff wonderful interviews are made of. They find themselves above Stalker because their clichés are from Y2K, not 1999.
James: So you feel as though the champs are phoning it in?
Shane: Phoning it in or just plain sucking. Is this really what EPW has become in my absence?
James: Well, they’re actually quite talented. If anything, the EPW’s talent level has risen. These guys are just that good.
Shane: That good? At what? Pulling a James Carville on when the last carb was eaten? Gimme a break.
James: Well, be that as it may, they ARE the EPW Tag Team Champions.
Shane: For that simple fact, I really hope Stalker can pull this thing out this week.
James: You’re really not going to help him?
Shane: Why should I? He’s got it under control.
James: Well, okay Shane. Thank you for your time. Anything else you want to add?
Shane: Absolutely. If I must, I will show up to help prevent Impulse from winning this match.
James: Why the clear intent on keeping the newcomer from winning?
Shane: Because then we have to listen to him run his mouth for TWO matches next week!
James: Why would that happen?
Shane: Because the brainiac promised the terrible trio a rematch next week if he wins. Add that to his King of the Cage match, and you have one shrimp that I’d rather see left off the plate.
James: Excellent point, Shane.
Shane: That’s why I said it.
James: Okay. Again, thanks for the time, Shane. Anything else?
Shane: Have your pets spayed or neutered.
James: Really?
Shane: Keep asking, I’ll keep adding.
James: Fine. Good point, Shane. We’ll see you next time.
Shane: See ya, Jamal.
James: Really?
User Poets
The Shadow Pope
- Joined
- Jan 6, 1995
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- 2,192
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- Website
- www.valeriansgarden.com
Five more minutes with Impulse
(FADEIN on a black Lucha mask with a green wireframe "vector" design all over it.
The Impulse mask. Castor Vivian Strife would be so proud.
It's standing on its own, which means it's listing a bit to the side. There's not much you can see in the background, a wall, an out - of - focus piece of generic art, and an old television.
The art is ugly, standard hotel room faire, but I guess I'm spoiled by the friends I have. Joey James Art. Google it.
And....)
"For the first year of my career, this mask defined me. For the first two months, it defined me fully. I was known as the kid in the mask who wrestled hard but couldn't quite get the job done."
"My first full time match was on March 11, 2008, and my first official victory came on May 17, 2008. Two full months of working every night with nothing but experience to show for it. I don't shy away from the first part of my career; it proved two things. One, I didn't care where I was booked; I was going to wrestle as hard as I could and I was not going to give ground, and two, as one night in April proved, I could keep on going and going and going."
One hundred and eighteen minutes straight in a battle royal earned me the nickname 'Marathon Man.'
"After that, everything changed. One moment, I was an anonymous, masked lightweight who was good at giving opponents an incredible match before they beat me, and the next, I was an anonymous, masked lightweight who was being looked at as a heavy favorite to win a Grand Prix tournament, and then a ladders and tables match for a vacant championship. What changed?"
Verbal Kint to Keyzer Soze, Impulse to Impulse. Nothing had changed but perception.
"The point of all this, is the fact that I've been taken to task over the course of the past week for several things that have nothing to do with the match at hand."
"I wrestle clean. Is this a disadvantage in a cage match? So far I'm 1 - 0 here in the Empire doing things my way."
"I'm naively walking into Stalker's trap. Do you really think I've never dealt with opponents of your mental caliber before? I'd run the list and bring a slideshow, but that's immaterial to my Empire career. Suffice to say, you're going to do the best you can, and I'm going to do the best I can, and we'll see who comes out on top of it."
And I'm not worried.
"Most of all, I'm intent on giving the Heirs of Wrestling a rematch for the EPW World Tag Team Championship at Aggression 58 if Erik Black and I walk out with the belts without defeating the champions for them in Pensacola. For this, I'm called everything from crazy to stupid."
Or am I just confident in my own abilities?
"The point, gentlemen, is that I've made a career so far out of doing things a little... different than the norm. I came to the Empire to find a new challenge and, so far, that's exactly what I've gotten. And I hope it continues for the entire course of my career here."
"I'm also amazed at the reaction my promise to the Heirs has received. Did it never occur to either of you, Jason or Steven, that you might need to do that at some point in your career? Or have you avoided all possibility like the plague, knowing you would never be able to survive two matches?"
"And I feel sorry for my opponents. There's so much negative energy and derision aimed at me for the way I do things, it's like it never occurred to any of them to fly from the path. There is no Rule A and Rule B. Fans like you, you do this. Fans don't like you, you do that."
Free form. The only direction is forward.
"Am I worried about the fact that my partner has been missing in action this week? Yes. Will his presence or absence affect the outcome of the match here in Pensacola? Absolutely. If he's there, we have a good chance of winning the whole shootin' match. If not... the odds drop dramatically."
"But like I've said, over and over, I can't control that. All I can control is my own actions and my own destiny."
"That's why I feel no anticipation over the possibility of wrestling two matches at Aggression 58."
"That's why I'm not worried about the fact that I'll be the only one in this match who isn't trying to squeeze his opponent through the holes in the cage."
"That's why, based on the attention our opponents have given to me when compared to each other, I've got to assume that Erik Black and I are the favorites to win. The attention directed in my direction at least tells me that the Heirs of Wrestling, Stalker, and Steven Shane view me as the biggest threat."
At a hundred and eighty eight pounds. Interesting.
"But it's almost showtime. No more talking."
"Time to shine."
FADE
(FADEIN on a black Lucha mask with a green wireframe "vector" design all over it.
The Impulse mask. Castor Vivian Strife would be so proud.
It's standing on its own, which means it's listing a bit to the side. There's not much you can see in the background, a wall, an out - of - focus piece of generic art, and an old television.
The art is ugly, standard hotel room faire, but I guess I'm spoiled by the friends I have. Joey James Art. Google it.
And....)
"For the first year of my career, this mask defined me. For the first two months, it defined me fully. I was known as the kid in the mask who wrestled hard but couldn't quite get the job done."
"My first full time match was on March 11, 2008, and my first official victory came on May 17, 2008. Two full months of working every night with nothing but experience to show for it. I don't shy away from the first part of my career; it proved two things. One, I didn't care where I was booked; I was going to wrestle as hard as I could and I was not going to give ground, and two, as one night in April proved, I could keep on going and going and going."
One hundred and eighteen minutes straight in a battle royal earned me the nickname 'Marathon Man.'
"After that, everything changed. One moment, I was an anonymous, masked lightweight who was good at giving opponents an incredible match before they beat me, and the next, I was an anonymous, masked lightweight who was being looked at as a heavy favorite to win a Grand Prix tournament, and then a ladders and tables match for a vacant championship. What changed?"
Verbal Kint to Keyzer Soze, Impulse to Impulse. Nothing had changed but perception.
"The point of all this, is the fact that I've been taken to task over the course of the past week for several things that have nothing to do with the match at hand."
"I wrestle clean. Is this a disadvantage in a cage match? So far I'm 1 - 0 here in the Empire doing things my way."
"I'm naively walking into Stalker's trap. Do you really think I've never dealt with opponents of your mental caliber before? I'd run the list and bring a slideshow, but that's immaterial to my Empire career. Suffice to say, you're going to do the best you can, and I'm going to do the best I can, and we'll see who comes out on top of it."
And I'm not worried.
"Most of all, I'm intent on giving the Heirs of Wrestling a rematch for the EPW World Tag Team Championship at Aggression 58 if Erik Black and I walk out with the belts without defeating the champions for them in Pensacola. For this, I'm called everything from crazy to stupid."
Or am I just confident in my own abilities?
"The point, gentlemen, is that I've made a career so far out of doing things a little... different than the norm. I came to the Empire to find a new challenge and, so far, that's exactly what I've gotten. And I hope it continues for the entire course of my career here."
"I'm also amazed at the reaction my promise to the Heirs has received. Did it never occur to either of you, Jason or Steven, that you might need to do that at some point in your career? Or have you avoided all possibility like the plague, knowing you would never be able to survive two matches?"
"And I feel sorry for my opponents. There's so much negative energy and derision aimed at me for the way I do things, it's like it never occurred to any of them to fly from the path. There is no Rule A and Rule B. Fans like you, you do this. Fans don't like you, you do that."
Free form. The only direction is forward.
"Am I worried about the fact that my partner has been missing in action this week? Yes. Will his presence or absence affect the outcome of the match here in Pensacola? Absolutely. If he's there, we have a good chance of winning the whole shootin' match. If not... the odds drop dramatically."
"But like I've said, over and over, I can't control that. All I can control is my own actions and my own destiny."
"That's why I feel no anticipation over the possibility of wrestling two matches at Aggression 58."
"That's why I'm not worried about the fact that I'll be the only one in this match who isn't trying to squeeze his opponent through the holes in the cage."
"That's why, based on the attention our opponents have given to me when compared to each other, I've got to assume that Erik Black and I are the favorites to win. The attention directed in my direction at least tells me that the Heirs of Wrestling, Stalker, and Steven Shane view me as the biggest threat."
At a hundred and eighty eight pounds. Interesting.
"But it's almost showtime. No more talking."
"Time to shine."
FADE
thegr817deuce
League Member
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2004
- Messages
- 438
- Points
- 0
- Age
- 39
Re: Five more minutes with Impulse
(The scene opens up to Steven Shane already standing with James Murphy.)
James: Steven Shane, we’ve just heard from Impulse yet again. What are your thoughts on what he had to say?
Shane: Did he really say anything?
James: He had a few things to say.
Shane: Sounded to me like everything else he said this week.
James: And how exactly have you felt after he’s spoken this week?
Shane: Like I wish I could have those five minutes back.
James: But at least Impulse finally addressed you this time.
Shane: Indeed, this must mean that I’m no longer the favorite to lose this match, according to his impeccable judgment.
James: You’re, of course, referring to Impulse calling himself the favorite this week.
Shane: And this guy wants to question MY judgment?
James: And now you’re speaking of his retort to you about potentially wrestling two matches at Aggression 58.
Shane: It sounds like this guy’s wrestled two matches in one night one too many times.
James: Maybe the guy just loves to compete.
Shane: Or maybe the guy has a few screws lose.
James: So, you’re saying you wouldn’t wrestle two matches in one night?
Shane: I’m saying I wouldn’t VOLUNTEER to do it. If the Heirs can’t keep a pinning combination from going their way at Aggression, that’s their problem. They shouldn’t have signed up for the match.
James: So if the Heirs don’t come away from Aggression with the titles, you’ll have no remorse?
Shane: Only if Impulse wins.
James: So at least someone is showing that they WANT to win this match.
Shane: Not as much as I don’t want Impulse to win. Can you imagine listening to that guy for TWO matches next week?
James: Well, Shane, the guy is a competitor.
Shane: The guy also never stops talking in one match. I don’t wanna think about two. The guy already thinks the match is all about him.
James: Because he feels all the focus is on him.
Shane: The focus is on him because he hasn’t stopped wasting our time! I watch him on TV and want to rush back on myself so that we don’t lose fans over his nonsense.
James: So you feel as though Impulse is jeopardizing EPW’s credibility?
Shane: Rule A. Rule B. Theorem C. Postulate D. I wanted to turn the channel halfway through but couldn’t find the remote. Erik Black is dead; he just fell asleep during Impulse’s fourteenth promo.
James: Wow. Strong words for Impulse, Shane. Anything he did say that you liked?
Shane: Showtime. No more talking.
James: Well put.
Shane: I know.
James: Thank you for your time, Shane.
Shane: Any time, Jamal.
(The scene opens up to Steven Shane already standing with James Murphy.)
James: Steven Shane, we’ve just heard from Impulse yet again. What are your thoughts on what he had to say?
Shane: Did he really say anything?
James: He had a few things to say.
Shane: Sounded to me like everything else he said this week.
James: And how exactly have you felt after he’s spoken this week?
Shane: Like I wish I could have those five minutes back.
James: But at least Impulse finally addressed you this time.
Shane: Indeed, this must mean that I’m no longer the favorite to lose this match, according to his impeccable judgment.
James: You’re, of course, referring to Impulse calling himself the favorite this week.
Shane: And this guy wants to question MY judgment?
James: And now you’re speaking of his retort to you about potentially wrestling two matches at Aggression 58.
Shane: It sounds like this guy’s wrestled two matches in one night one too many times.
James: Maybe the guy just loves to compete.
Shane: Or maybe the guy has a few screws lose.
James: So, you’re saying you wouldn’t wrestle two matches in one night?
Shane: I’m saying I wouldn’t VOLUNTEER to do it. If the Heirs can’t keep a pinning combination from going their way at Aggression, that’s their problem. They shouldn’t have signed up for the match.
James: So if the Heirs don’t come away from Aggression with the titles, you’ll have no remorse?
Shane: Only if Impulse wins.
James: So at least someone is showing that they WANT to win this match.
Shane: Not as much as I don’t want Impulse to win. Can you imagine listening to that guy for TWO matches next week?
James: Well, Shane, the guy is a competitor.
Shane: The guy also never stops talking in one match. I don’t wanna think about two. The guy already thinks the match is all about him.
James: Because he feels all the focus is on him.
Shane: The focus is on him because he hasn’t stopped wasting our time! I watch him on TV and want to rush back on myself so that we don’t lose fans over his nonsense.
James: So you feel as though Impulse is jeopardizing EPW’s credibility?
Shane: Rule A. Rule B. Theorem C. Postulate D. I wanted to turn the channel halfway through but couldn’t find the remote. Erik Black is dead; he just fell asleep during Impulse’s fourteenth promo.
James: Wow. Strong words for Impulse, Shane. Anything he did say that you liked?
Shane: Showtime. No more talking.
James: Well put.
Shane: I know.
James: Thank you for your time, Shane.
Shane: Any time, Jamal.
Four Minutes and Twenty Seconds with Dopesmoker
(CUE UP: "Swimming the Witch" by the Hedons. Get a load of that bass player!)
(FADE IN: The scene opens up on "DOPESMOKER" ERIK BLACK, "THE SONIC TITAN" IVAN DALKICHEV, and "THE BUTT-DOMINATOR" OLVIR ARSVINNAR standing in front of a bunch of trippy tapestries and posters of Jimi Hendrix and Black Sabbath. Black is front and center, robed and rockin' his aviators. The bong in his hand would indicate that he is the source of the haze and the funny smell lingering in the air. Flanking his shoulders like living monoliths fashioned on this plane by mortal gods, the members of the Colossal Connection are in their full regalia as well, both sporting shiners from the last match, grimacing like towering, muscle-bound badasses do.)
"Dopesmoker" Erik Black
Yo... before I get into this, I should probably explain where I've been all week...
(Have you been busy working with three bands and promoting the hell out of your recently released EP, available for FREE on Bandcamp?)
"Dopesmoker" Erik Black
NO... that's not it... now would you stop shilling your shit?
(Only if you stop breaking the fourth wall.)
"Dopesmoker" Erik Black
Ugh... now that Impulse guy has ME doing it?
Anyway... the REAL reason why professional wrestling's one and only "ESCAPE ARTIST" has been uncharacteristically M-I-A this past week is... well... okay, I'll admit it... yeah, I was HIGH... and I kinda lost track of time... then Ivan taps me on the shoulder this morning and says, "Hey man, don't you have to be in Pepsi-Cola tonight for that match?"
"The Sonic Titan" Ivan Dalkichev
That's PENSACOLA, bromangous!
"Dopesmoker" Erik Black
Right... whatever. Anyway, just like that, all that hard work put into smoking away my memory of Aggression 56 was gone in an instant... cause at that moment, I remembered that I'm STILL in this GODDAMN "KING OF THE CAGE" BULLSHIT!!
(Black looks about as angry as a guy who is perpetually stoned can get. He displays his fury to the members of the Colossal Connection, who amusingly wince away from the smaller man like giant abused puppies.)
"Dopesmoker" Erik Black
I mean... we had the PERFECT plan! First, I go in there and make you guys look like GOLD... and that went alright. Then, I suddenly bust out some quick moonsaults and time-and-space-defabricators... and so did I knock down the doors of perception. Finally, I hop out to let you guys clean up... but for some reason, THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN!!
"The Butt-Dominator" Olvir Arsvinnar
BAH! Believe us, Erik the Black... is STILL grieves my mind to be reminded of our most FOOLISH of follies! But it would have been WRONG to continue DOMINATING a weak and injured foe!
"Dopesmoker" Erik Black
Too bad he wasn't as weak and injured as you thought he was, Olvir. I mean, I figured two POWERHOUSES like you wouldn't have a problem ripping that kid in half... but yet again, the Cosmos has shown me that I can be wrong.
"The Sonic Titan" Ivan Dalkichev
Is like you always say... "Nothing is certain."
"Dopesmoker" Erik Black
Yeah, that's true... and I certainly didn't expect for a guy a QUARTER of your combined weight to pull the wool over your eyes.
And now, instead of taking the next couple weeks off rollin' blunts between big-ass stripper tits and gettin' high off my ass, I find myself with a plane ticket to Parabola, Florida or wherever the hell. It should be YOU guys going on that plane, getting you shot at the tag straps. What are you guys even going to do while I'm away?
"The Butt-Dominator" Olvir Arsvinnar
Drink from an EVER-FLOWING RIVER of MEAD and heartily DINE upon the ripened bosoms of youthful nymphs and beauties!
"Dopesmoker" Erik Black
...well, lah-dee-dah...
Enjoy the time off then, fellasin the meantime, I'll be walking into Aggression 57 to give Empire Pro some good ol' fashioned REEFER REPRESENTATION
(The Dopesmoker turns his attention back to the camera.)
"Dopesmoker" Erik Black
The colossal strength of the Colossal Connection has now faltered twice... and the current Tag Team Champions of Empire Pro can take pride knowing they overcame that strength. But now I wonder... can they overcome the SPEED of the PULSE-SMOKERS?!
I hate to be a buzzkill to all everybody involved, but maybe I should just go on and reiterate that I have a good four consecutive wins in four consecutive cage matches, here in Empire Pro. For just being a low an insignificant DOPESMOKER, I sure do enjoy a good deal of success. Coincidence? Probably not. I mean, think about it... you think a guy nicknamed "The Escape Artist" isn't going to know exactly what he must do when he finds himself trapped in a CAGE?
Look, this isn't rocket science people... it doesn't matter who wrestles better, or who cheats, or who is intellectually superior. It all comes down to who can get out of that CAGE before everybody else. Even a STONER like me gets that...
I mean, I know what I'm up against. As generic as his name may sound, "Sensational" Steven Shane was once a prolific star in the estrogen-dominated days of Empire Pro yore. I can relate to him... knowing what it's like to have a motor-mouthed lethal lottery partner who's just using this whole tag team thing as a platform for putting himself over. Speaking of which, despite the fact that people don't take him seriously... Stalker's a guy you don't want to mess with. It's not a matter of what he's done here in Empire Pro, but simply what he DOES... which is DESTROY EVERYTHING.
Is he stupid? Well, YEAH... that goes without saying... but most of you don't seem to realize that STUPID people are likely to be more DANGEROUS. TERRORISTS are stupid. RELIGIOUS ZEALOTS are stupid. They don't know logic or remorse... they simply live to fuck you over every way imaginable. You're not taking him seriously now because... well, you haven't been in the ring with him. There's more there than just a haircut from '98 and an urge to swing steel; there's also a MIND that will obsess over revenge every waking minute, and will not rest until you've been completely ruined.
I'd be there myself, sitting in prison, but thankfully, America loves pot-heads.
Anyway, when it comes time to face Stalker in that cage... I'm going to do the SMART thing... and just walk away. GET away, more specifically. Live up to "the Escape Artist" name, and live to fight another day. Why waste the time trying to overcome the world when I can simply let the world overcome itself?
And as for my partner, Impulse? Probably won't do the same, what with the whole adorable boyscout shtick he's trying to sell. But, that's his choice... not mine. If he wants to try his hand at the Stalker Curse, then so be it. That's MY kind of partner... the one that's willing to stick a target on his back and take one for the team while I get the hell out of dodge. Let HIM take the chairshots and the table-plunges. After all, he seems to think he can take it. Guys like Jared Wells, Kin Hiroshi, and Fusenshoff probably thought the same thing, until they realized they were losing valuable years off their career dealing with a guy that wouldn't go away and kept fucking them over at every important moment in their lives.
In the Cosmos... you come across a black hole that destroys everything? You LEAVE IT ALONE... and you let it burn itself out.
Me? I know my purpose on this planet... I bust out the sick-ass moonsaults and the mind-blowing frankensteiners... I make the world FLIP on its axis with the high-flying and death-defying vaults I make on a moment's notice... I rearrange the fabric of SPACE and TIME, and leave everybody wonder how such things are physically POSSIBLE! That's all I do in this sport... and I do it damn well, in my opinion. I don't need to Tag Team Titles of Empire Pro to do that; all I need are close-minded squares like YOU who inspire to go out there and OPEN YOUR EYES with the amazing things the human body can do!
So, see you in the cage, dudes. Be sure to bring your running shoes. I'll bring the DOPE.
(Very uninspired and rushed fade from Erik Black to BLACK, the color.)
(CUE UP: "Swimming the Witch" by the Hedons. Get a load of that bass player!)
(FADE IN: The scene opens up on "DOPESMOKER" ERIK BLACK, "THE SONIC TITAN" IVAN DALKICHEV, and "THE BUTT-DOMINATOR" OLVIR ARSVINNAR standing in front of a bunch of trippy tapestries and posters of Jimi Hendrix and Black Sabbath. Black is front and center, robed and rockin' his aviators. The bong in his hand would indicate that he is the source of the haze and the funny smell lingering in the air. Flanking his shoulders like living monoliths fashioned on this plane by mortal gods, the members of the Colossal Connection are in their full regalia as well, both sporting shiners from the last match, grimacing like towering, muscle-bound badasses do.)
"Dopesmoker" Erik Black
Yo... before I get into this, I should probably explain where I've been all week...
(Have you been busy working with three bands and promoting the hell out of your recently released EP, available for FREE on Bandcamp?)
"Dopesmoker" Erik Black
NO... that's not it... now would you stop shilling your shit?
(Only if you stop breaking the fourth wall.)
"Dopesmoker" Erik Black
Ugh... now that Impulse guy has ME doing it?
Anyway... the REAL reason why professional wrestling's one and only "ESCAPE ARTIST" has been uncharacteristically M-I-A this past week is... well... okay, I'll admit it... yeah, I was HIGH... and I kinda lost track of time... then Ivan taps me on the shoulder this morning and says, "Hey man, don't you have to be in Pepsi-Cola tonight for that match?"
"The Sonic Titan" Ivan Dalkichev
That's PENSACOLA, bromangous!
"Dopesmoker" Erik Black
Right... whatever. Anyway, just like that, all that hard work put into smoking away my memory of Aggression 56 was gone in an instant... cause at that moment, I remembered that I'm STILL in this GODDAMN "KING OF THE CAGE" BULLSHIT!!
(Black looks about as angry as a guy who is perpetually stoned can get. He displays his fury to the members of the Colossal Connection, who amusingly wince away from the smaller man like giant abused puppies.)
"Dopesmoker" Erik Black
I mean... we had the PERFECT plan! First, I go in there and make you guys look like GOLD... and that went alright. Then, I suddenly bust out some quick moonsaults and time-and-space-defabricators... and so did I knock down the doors of perception. Finally, I hop out to let you guys clean up... but for some reason, THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN!!
"The Butt-Dominator" Olvir Arsvinnar
BAH! Believe us, Erik the Black... is STILL grieves my mind to be reminded of our most FOOLISH of follies! But it would have been WRONG to continue DOMINATING a weak and injured foe!
"Dopesmoker" Erik Black
Too bad he wasn't as weak and injured as you thought he was, Olvir. I mean, I figured two POWERHOUSES like you wouldn't have a problem ripping that kid in half... but yet again, the Cosmos has shown me that I can be wrong.
"The Sonic Titan" Ivan Dalkichev
Is like you always say... "Nothing is certain."
"Dopesmoker" Erik Black
Yeah, that's true... and I certainly didn't expect for a guy a QUARTER of your combined weight to pull the wool over your eyes.
And now, instead of taking the next couple weeks off rollin' blunts between big-ass stripper tits and gettin' high off my ass, I find myself with a plane ticket to Parabola, Florida or wherever the hell. It should be YOU guys going on that plane, getting you shot at the tag straps. What are you guys even going to do while I'm away?
"The Butt-Dominator" Olvir Arsvinnar
Drink from an EVER-FLOWING RIVER of MEAD and heartily DINE upon the ripened bosoms of youthful nymphs and beauties!
"Dopesmoker" Erik Black
...well, lah-dee-dah...
Enjoy the time off then, fellasin the meantime, I'll be walking into Aggression 57 to give Empire Pro some good ol' fashioned REEFER REPRESENTATION
(The Dopesmoker turns his attention back to the camera.)
"Dopesmoker" Erik Black
The colossal strength of the Colossal Connection has now faltered twice... and the current Tag Team Champions of Empire Pro can take pride knowing they overcame that strength. But now I wonder... can they overcome the SPEED of the PULSE-SMOKERS?!
I hate to be a buzzkill to all everybody involved, but maybe I should just go on and reiterate that I have a good four consecutive wins in four consecutive cage matches, here in Empire Pro. For just being a low an insignificant DOPESMOKER, I sure do enjoy a good deal of success. Coincidence? Probably not. I mean, think about it... you think a guy nicknamed "The Escape Artist" isn't going to know exactly what he must do when he finds himself trapped in a CAGE?
Look, this isn't rocket science people... it doesn't matter who wrestles better, or who cheats, or who is intellectually superior. It all comes down to who can get out of that CAGE before everybody else. Even a STONER like me gets that...
I mean, I know what I'm up against. As generic as his name may sound, "Sensational" Steven Shane was once a prolific star in the estrogen-dominated days of Empire Pro yore. I can relate to him... knowing what it's like to have a motor-mouthed lethal lottery partner who's just using this whole tag team thing as a platform for putting himself over. Speaking of which, despite the fact that people don't take him seriously... Stalker's a guy you don't want to mess with. It's not a matter of what he's done here in Empire Pro, but simply what he DOES... which is DESTROY EVERYTHING.
Is he stupid? Well, YEAH... that goes without saying... but most of you don't seem to realize that STUPID people are likely to be more DANGEROUS. TERRORISTS are stupid. RELIGIOUS ZEALOTS are stupid. They don't know logic or remorse... they simply live to fuck you over every way imaginable. You're not taking him seriously now because... well, you haven't been in the ring with him. There's more there than just a haircut from '98 and an urge to swing steel; there's also a MIND that will obsess over revenge every waking minute, and will not rest until you've been completely ruined.
I'd be there myself, sitting in prison, but thankfully, America loves pot-heads.
Anyway, when it comes time to face Stalker in that cage... I'm going to do the SMART thing... and just walk away. GET away, more specifically. Live up to "the Escape Artist" name, and live to fight another day. Why waste the time trying to overcome the world when I can simply let the world overcome itself?
And as for my partner, Impulse? Probably won't do the same, what with the whole adorable boyscout shtick he's trying to sell. But, that's his choice... not mine. If he wants to try his hand at the Stalker Curse, then so be it. That's MY kind of partner... the one that's willing to stick a target on his back and take one for the team while I get the hell out of dodge. Let HIM take the chairshots and the table-plunges. After all, he seems to think he can take it. Guys like Jared Wells, Kin Hiroshi, and Fusenshoff probably thought the same thing, until they realized they were losing valuable years off their career dealing with a guy that wouldn't go away and kept fucking them over at every important moment in their lives.
In the Cosmos... you come across a black hole that destroys everything? You LEAVE IT ALONE... and you let it burn itself out.
Me? I know my purpose on this planet... I bust out the sick-ass moonsaults and the mind-blowing frankensteiners... I make the world FLIP on its axis with the high-flying and death-defying vaults I make on a moment's notice... I rearrange the fabric of SPACE and TIME, and leave everybody wonder how such things are physically POSSIBLE! That's all I do in this sport... and I do it damn well, in my opinion. I don't need to Tag Team Titles of Empire Pro to do that; all I need are close-minded squares like YOU who inspire to go out there and OPEN YOUR EYES with the amazing things the human body can do!
So, see you in the cage, dudes. Be sure to bring your running shoes. I'll bring the DOPE.
(Very uninspired and rushed fade from Erik Black to BLACK, the color.)
- Joined
- Feb 4, 2005
- Messages
- 1,143
- Points
- 38
Re: Four Minutes and Twenty Seconds with Dopesmoker
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif](FADE-IN: The camera view takes us to a hotel room where we see none other than Frank Pierce. Complete with arrogant smirk and “you can't tell that whether he's blind or just an asshole” sunglasses, sitting right by the couch, adjusting the webcam into view. Holding up a piece of paper in his hand, Frank chuckles.)[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]FRANK PIERCE: Bang-up job, showing off your writing skills, Impulse. Ho-LEE sh*t-snacks, you got me good with a little letter you left on your doorstep. Clearly, that $4.99 purchase of “Writing Fiction for Dummies” that's worth more than your whole wardrobe really paid off, didn't it? And for a guy with “showtime” this and “Actions speak louder than words” that, I can tell you're quite proud of your near-on-the-hour, every-hour promo style, huh? At one point, I actually said if I had a gun pointed to my head, I would've respected Impulse more than anybody else, but what difference a couple days make. Then you had to ruin it, dude. [/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]Impulse, I'll be blunt. You're hardly the biggest threat in this match. If anything, you've now actually SURPASSED Stalker as the biggest f*cking nuisance. You deride everyone else for doing all this talking, but you've still not managed to not say a damn thing about five or six times other than the fact that you play by the rules. Sweet. Well, check this, right? [/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif](Squinting his eyes really, really, really hard as if he's picturing something happening before him, the de facto leader of the Heirs.)[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]FRANK PIERCE: Impulse will say something worthwhile. Impulse will say something worthwhile. Impulse will say something worthwhile. Impulse will say something worthwhile. [/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif](And he waits... and he waits... and he waits...)[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]FRANK PIERCE: See? Just because you repeat the same mantra over and over again, doesn't hand you a victory. Then you've gone on about how “Oh, we'll just see what happens in Pensacola, Gosh Darn it, by golly, Jiminy Christmas, Shucky-Darn, it is what it is, may the best man win!” then turn around and say flat-out that you're going to win. Because...? You... say so? Pfft, yeah, we're the delusional ones. I know WE'RE arrogant, but don't pretend to be better than anybody else when you've opened your wordhole and proved us wrong already.[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif](Snapping his fingers, another light bulb goes off in Frank's head.)[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]FRANK PIERCE: Oh, don't think I've forgotten about you, Stalker, though, dear God, I wish I had enough liquor in the world to do so. How quickly you've 180-ed from “Oh, f*ck you guys, you're nothing in the grand scheme of things because I've been the outsider looking in on the EPW World Title picture” all the way to “Oh, Frank, how DARE you belittle me and my sh*tty career! I'll show you good! I'll tie you to the radiator and mess you up! Grrr, argh, generic heel threat here!” Did I offend you because the Heirs of Wrestling aren't quaking in fear?Well, sir, hate to break this to you, but you're by far the LEAST scariest person that's ever been in the Empire. In fact, I would probably rank it to like... [/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif](Counting along with his fingers, Frank begins to list off names.)[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]FRANK PIERCE: Uh, let's go The Heirs of Wrestling's collective awesome... Sean Stevens when he's pissed... Omega... Michael Bastard... Copycat... Lindsay Troy's PMS... that time Layne Winters went crazy when he lost to us and it blew his puny mind... the rest of the fed, they're all interchangeable for this scenario... Uh... the janitor. The guys who run the mezzanine-level nacho carts. Uh... those one guys that clean the roof of the arena, cause really, that's scary **** and you couldn't pay me enough to do it. Then us again, then Lindsay Troy PMS again, then you. You aren't going to win this match, Stalker. Know why? By the time you've figured out how to climb a cage and throw somebody off it, one of us will have already jumped out and won. Cause that's all you can do anymore, you quivering p*ssy.[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif](Snorting, Frank continues.)[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]FRANK PIERCE: And hey! F*cking awesome! Steven Shane showed up! But it's too bad, at this point, it's pretty much like “Him. The other one. Right. THAT guy.” I wouldn't have blamed Shane if he wanted no part of this match in the first place. If Stalker was supposed to lead me into battle, I've have hopped the first flight back to Seattle, watching the slaughter he'd lead me to from our HD television. Seems you're pretty comfortable with coasting and letting Stalker take charge, Steve-O. Fitting, since I heard that's all you pretty much did in your last cup of coffee with the Empire. [/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif](Leaning back a little in his chair, Frank laughs.)[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]FRANK PIERCE: And man, just as I was about to wrap this up, Erik Black showed up. To think, I had this whole schtick lined up where I would say something like Jimmy Hoffa's corpse would show up before Black did, but that's cool. The very first co-holder of EPW's Tag Team Titles, AND the guy that did almost win King of the Cage... then proceeded to get arrested and pissed it all away. Quite literally, I'm sure there was a drug test involved, too, at some point. I'm surprised he remember there was a match between living up to his nickname, but he's found a niche for himself just like he did with Chronic Collision, **** the tilde. Getting somebody far superior to him in talent, then coasting off what they do! Sounds like he's done A-Okay for himself lately. He's made it clear he doesn't care about the EPW Tag Team Titles, which is fine by me because unlike him, our definition of success actually includes WINNING! Sure, Charlie Sheen nearly killed that phrase, but it's apropos. DO YOU HEAR ME! WINNING! WINNING! [/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif](From the other side of the wall, a pounding can be heard.)[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]MACK BRODY (muffled): SHUT IT! I'M F*CKING HERE AND YOU'RE KILLING THE MAGIC![/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]FRANK PIERCE: SORR.... Uh, sorry, bro. So while the rest of you drown us each in empty threats, emptier promises and whatever Shane is trying to bring to the table, what you all fail to realize is this: we didn't get this far and hold these titles this long just to lose to a pair of ultimately jumbled teams. The fact a pair of teams thrown together by chance thinking they've already won over an actual honest-to-God tag team in EPW is a joke to us and the dynasty we've built for ourselves. What you're all overlooking is the Heirs of Wrestling are a united front that's beaten everybody put in front of them here as well as in other organizations for about three years running now. If you don't like that? [/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif](Reaching over, he clicks a button on the monitor...[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]FADE TO BLACK.)[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif](FADE-IN: The camera view takes us to a hotel room where we see none other than Frank Pierce. Complete with arrogant smirk and “you can't tell that whether he's blind or just an asshole” sunglasses, sitting right by the couch, adjusting the webcam into view. Holding up a piece of paper in his hand, Frank chuckles.)[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]FRANK PIERCE: Bang-up job, showing off your writing skills, Impulse. Ho-LEE sh*t-snacks, you got me good with a little letter you left on your doorstep. Clearly, that $4.99 purchase of “Writing Fiction for Dummies” that's worth more than your whole wardrobe really paid off, didn't it? And for a guy with “showtime” this and “Actions speak louder than words” that, I can tell you're quite proud of your near-on-the-hour, every-hour promo style, huh? At one point, I actually said if I had a gun pointed to my head, I would've respected Impulse more than anybody else, but what difference a couple days make. Then you had to ruin it, dude. [/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]Impulse, I'll be blunt. You're hardly the biggest threat in this match. If anything, you've now actually SURPASSED Stalker as the biggest f*cking nuisance. You deride everyone else for doing all this talking, but you've still not managed to not say a damn thing about five or six times other than the fact that you play by the rules. Sweet. Well, check this, right? [/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif](Squinting his eyes really, really, really hard as if he's picturing something happening before him, the de facto leader of the Heirs.)[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]FRANK PIERCE: Impulse will say something worthwhile. Impulse will say something worthwhile. Impulse will say something worthwhile. Impulse will say something worthwhile. [/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif](And he waits... and he waits... and he waits...)[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]FRANK PIERCE: See? Just because you repeat the same mantra over and over again, doesn't hand you a victory. Then you've gone on about how “Oh, we'll just see what happens in Pensacola, Gosh Darn it, by golly, Jiminy Christmas, Shucky-Darn, it is what it is, may the best man win!” then turn around and say flat-out that you're going to win. Because...? You... say so? Pfft, yeah, we're the delusional ones. I know WE'RE arrogant, but don't pretend to be better than anybody else when you've opened your wordhole and proved us wrong already.[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif](Snapping his fingers, another light bulb goes off in Frank's head.)[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]FRANK PIERCE: Oh, don't think I've forgotten about you, Stalker, though, dear God, I wish I had enough liquor in the world to do so. How quickly you've 180-ed from “Oh, f*ck you guys, you're nothing in the grand scheme of things because I've been the outsider looking in on the EPW World Title picture” all the way to “Oh, Frank, how DARE you belittle me and my sh*tty career! I'll show you good! I'll tie you to the radiator and mess you up! Grrr, argh, generic heel threat here!” Did I offend you because the Heirs of Wrestling aren't quaking in fear?Well, sir, hate to break this to you, but you're by far the LEAST scariest person that's ever been in the Empire. In fact, I would probably rank it to like... [/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif](Counting along with his fingers, Frank begins to list off names.)[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]FRANK PIERCE: Uh, let's go The Heirs of Wrestling's collective awesome... Sean Stevens when he's pissed... Omega... Michael Bastard... Copycat... Lindsay Troy's PMS... that time Layne Winters went crazy when he lost to us and it blew his puny mind... the rest of the fed, they're all interchangeable for this scenario... Uh... the janitor. The guys who run the mezzanine-level nacho carts. Uh... those one guys that clean the roof of the arena, cause really, that's scary **** and you couldn't pay me enough to do it. Then us again, then Lindsay Troy PMS again, then you. You aren't going to win this match, Stalker. Know why? By the time you've figured out how to climb a cage and throw somebody off it, one of us will have already jumped out and won. Cause that's all you can do anymore, you quivering p*ssy.[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif](Snorting, Frank continues.)[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]FRANK PIERCE: And hey! F*cking awesome! Steven Shane showed up! But it's too bad, at this point, it's pretty much like “Him. The other one. Right. THAT guy.” I wouldn't have blamed Shane if he wanted no part of this match in the first place. If Stalker was supposed to lead me into battle, I've have hopped the first flight back to Seattle, watching the slaughter he'd lead me to from our HD television. Seems you're pretty comfortable with coasting and letting Stalker take charge, Steve-O. Fitting, since I heard that's all you pretty much did in your last cup of coffee with the Empire. [/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif](Leaning back a little in his chair, Frank laughs.)[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]FRANK PIERCE: And man, just as I was about to wrap this up, Erik Black showed up. To think, I had this whole schtick lined up where I would say something like Jimmy Hoffa's corpse would show up before Black did, but that's cool. The very first co-holder of EPW's Tag Team Titles, AND the guy that did almost win King of the Cage... then proceeded to get arrested and pissed it all away. Quite literally, I'm sure there was a drug test involved, too, at some point. I'm surprised he remember there was a match between living up to his nickname, but he's found a niche for himself just like he did with Chronic Collision, **** the tilde. Getting somebody far superior to him in talent, then coasting off what they do! Sounds like he's done A-Okay for himself lately. He's made it clear he doesn't care about the EPW Tag Team Titles, which is fine by me because unlike him, our definition of success actually includes WINNING! Sure, Charlie Sheen nearly killed that phrase, but it's apropos. DO YOU HEAR ME! WINNING! WINNING! [/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif](From the other side of the wall, a pounding can be heard.)[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]MACK BRODY (muffled): SHUT IT! I'M F*CKING HERE AND YOU'RE KILLING THE MAGIC![/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]FRANK PIERCE: SORR.... Uh, sorry, bro. So while the rest of you drown us each in empty threats, emptier promises and whatever Shane is trying to bring to the table, what you all fail to realize is this: we didn't get this far and hold these titles this long just to lose to a pair of ultimately jumbled teams. The fact a pair of teams thrown together by chance thinking they've already won over an actual honest-to-God tag team in EPW is a joke to us and the dynasty we've built for ourselves. What you're all overlooking is the Heirs of Wrestling are a united front that's beaten everybody put in front of them here as well as in other organizations for about three years running now. If you don't like that? [/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif](Reaching over, he clicks a button on the monitor...[/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma, sans-serif]FADE TO BLACK.)[/FONT]
thegr817deuce
League Member
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2004
- Messages
- 438
- Points
- 0
- Age
- 39
Re: Four Minutes and Twenty Seconds with Dopesmoker
(Fade in to Steven Shane standing by with James Murphy.)
James: Well Shane, yet again, we have heard from your entourage of opponents at Warfare. What do you make of the emergence of Erik Black and The Heirs of Wrestling?
Shane: Am I freakin’ invisible here?
James: What do you mean, Shane?
Shane: I mean the fact that I’ve asked for three times as much television times as the so-called “champions” of this place and they’re just now noticing something I said?!?!
James: So what are you thinking, Shane?
Shane: I’m thinking that my worst fears have come true and I’ve been consumed by the nonsense of Stalker and Impulse!
James: What do you think that means for the tag team champions?
Shane: That I’m speaking too logistically for them to understand, apparently! Instead of focusing on cockroaches or ants or Oreos, I’ve been trying to get these guidos to understand who Steven Shane is! And now, it’s evident to see that they’re clearly lost.
James: It did sort of seem that way.
Shane: Seems they need a GPS to show them to sarcasm. If they REALLY think I’m going to put my King of the Cage hopes solely in Stalker’s hands, they have completely lost touch with reality.
James: So you will be showing up to the match this week?
Shane: Not to give credit to the wrong people, but Stalker is no Impulse. I’m not trusting him with this match.
James: So now what?
Shane: So now, Steven Shane straps up those damn wrestling boots and show them that I’m a guy coming INTO an estrogen-filled EPW and not coming back from one.
James: So you obviously saw Erik Black’s comments as well.
Shane: Unfortunately, I did. And that guy must’ve paid top dollar for his stuff if he thinks he can relate to The Sensational One.
James: I thought that was an interesting analogy.
Shane: And that’s why no one cares what you think. The fact of the matter is that Steven Shane has won more matches than Erik Black has thought about winning.
James: And anything on Impulse?
Shane: God, no. Don’t wanna get him started again.
James: Then I would assume the same goes for your tag team partner?
Shane: You’re really getting the hang of this, Jamal. Keep it up and EPW might finally come calling.
(Fade in to Steven Shane standing by with James Murphy.)
James: Well Shane, yet again, we have heard from your entourage of opponents at Warfare. What do you make of the emergence of Erik Black and The Heirs of Wrestling?
Shane: Am I freakin’ invisible here?
James: What do you mean, Shane?
Shane: I mean the fact that I’ve asked for three times as much television times as the so-called “champions” of this place and they’re just now noticing something I said?!?!
James: So what are you thinking, Shane?
Shane: I’m thinking that my worst fears have come true and I’ve been consumed by the nonsense of Stalker and Impulse!
James: What do you think that means for the tag team champions?
Shane: That I’m speaking too logistically for them to understand, apparently! Instead of focusing on cockroaches or ants or Oreos, I’ve been trying to get these guidos to understand who Steven Shane is! And now, it’s evident to see that they’re clearly lost.
James: It did sort of seem that way.
Shane: Seems they need a GPS to show them to sarcasm. If they REALLY think I’m going to put my King of the Cage hopes solely in Stalker’s hands, they have completely lost touch with reality.
James: So you will be showing up to the match this week?
Shane: Not to give credit to the wrong people, but Stalker is no Impulse. I’m not trusting him with this match.
James: So now what?
Shane: So now, Steven Shane straps up those damn wrestling boots and show them that I’m a guy coming INTO an estrogen-filled EPW and not coming back from one.
James: So you obviously saw Erik Black’s comments as well.
Shane: Unfortunately, I did. And that guy must’ve paid top dollar for his stuff if he thinks he can relate to The Sensational One.
James: I thought that was an interesting analogy.
Shane: And that’s why no one cares what you think. The fact of the matter is that Steven Shane has won more matches than Erik Black has thought about winning.
James: And anything on Impulse?
Shane: God, no. Don’t wanna get him started again.
James: Then I would assume the same goes for your tag team partner?
Shane: You’re really getting the hang of this, Jamal. Keep it up and EPW might finally come calling.