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AGGRESSION 60: Otaku (c) w/Karl Brown vs. Rich Mahogany

EpyonMarx

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[FADE IN to an arrow with a green and white flight driving into the outer gold region of a target, followed swiftly by a red and blue flighted arrow that lands in the inner blue]

Otaku: [out of shot] Maaan!

Karl: Nine for me.

[ZOOMING OUT, we see Otaku, dressed in a costume as Archer from Fate/Stay Night. Instead of Archer’s more usual bow, he’s holding a traditional Korean bow. He retrieves the arrows, tapping the green-flighted one against his shoulder]

Otaku: How long you say you’ve been doing this, Dragon-sama?

Karl: About a week.

Otaku: Another string to your bow, eh?

Karl: Very droll.

Otaku: Yeah, yeah. But listen, I mean it, you’re really multi-talented! You could do anything you want!

Karl: Except something like climbing Olympus Mons. That’d be fun.

[“The Dragon” takes aim with another arrow, loosing it as Otaku clears the range]

Otaku: But man… wow, I still can’t believe it! Tag Team Champions! On our third match!

Karl: I know. It’s impressive. You going to take your shot?

[Otaku draws his bow, speaking as he fires his arrow, Brown reaching down into a quiver on the ground]

Otaku: It’s more than impressive! Sure, Stalker was out there alone, and I’m kinda bummed that Shane didn’t show up, but we’re still tag champs! You’re like the first guy who’s won three belts here!

Karl: Second. Good shot.

Otaku: Thanks, and, huh?

Karl: Cameron’s in the same position, and technically he won his third title before we won the tag titles.

Otaku: By minutes, man! Beside, you’re cooler than Cameron (no honorific).

Karl: Thanks. But still, it is a rare achievement. And you, tag team champion after only a few matches.

Otaku: Yeah! It’s great! I get all these calls, people walking up to me to get their pictures taken with me

Karl: That was an anime convention, wasn’t it?

Otaku: Oh, yeah, they always want pics with me when I’m in cosplay… but still, tag champion, coolio!!

[Brown hums a few bars of “C U When U Get There”, to a small chuckle from Otaku]

Karl: But there’s no rest for the wicked.

Otaku: I’m not wicked!

Karl: You must have done something. You’re in action again.

Otaku: Yeah. Any idea who Mahogany-san is? I tried Googling him but all I got was quotes from Anchorman and a recipe for a drink.

Karl: It sounds like a name I should know, but sadly I don’t recognise him. I’d help you out if I could. Take half a step right.

[Otaku steps slightly and fires, hitting an 8 on the target]

Karl: You’re getting better.

Otaku: Thanks! But Mahogany-san… you don’t think Ryan-domo is gonna send his desk out to the ring?

Karl: He’s done some strange things over the years, so maybe. I doubt it though.

Otaku: Yeah.

Karl: The desk might put up a fight.

Otaku: HEY!!

Karl: Still, it would be nice to be able to see what kind of guy Rich is.

Otaku: Nothing I can’t handle! I’m the champ! WOOH!

Karl: Pride comes before the fall, Otaku.

Otaku: Eh?

Karl: Don’t let your guard down. For all we know, Rich Mahogany could be the greatest to ever lace up a pair of boots.

Otaku: But Dragon-domo, neither of us have heard of him!

Karl: I said greatest, not the most famous.

Otaku: Who would someone want to be the greatest without being the most famous?

Karl: A thief, for one.

Otaku: Mahogany-san is a thief?!

Karl: Who knows?

Otaku: Kami!

Karl: Maybe, but he’s not talking.

Otaku: Rotten Kami.

Karl: Anyway, I’m sure we’ll be furnished with all the details before the match. If Rich is anything like his name suggests, he’ll talk endlessly about how great he is, how he’s here in Empire Pro for one thing and one thing only, before listing half a dozen other things.

Otaku: You think?

Karl: It’s like what Tony Iommi said of Ronnie James Dio.

Otaku: What was that?

Karl: If he wants to call himself God, let him. Says a lot about the guy.

Otaku: Lol.

Karl: No thanks, I’d rather keep my mind on my archery.

Otaku: Huh?

Karl: [sighing] I’ll lend you a dictionary so you can look up loll, three L’s.

Otaku: Laugh Out Loud Loudly?

Karl: Like I said, I’ll lend you a dictionary.

Otaku: Okay.

Karl: You’ll do fine, though. Part of being a great professional, in anything, is using your experience to get yourself through even unpredictable times. In the ring, if something happens, something changes, you’ve got the experience to think on your feet. Like against the Colossal Connection.

Otaku: So if Mahogany grows thirty feet tall, spits fire and sprouts another head, I can win?

Karl: [thinking about it for a few seconds] In that case, I’d advise running.

[Brown looses another arrow, hitting the target dead centre]

Otaku: Maaaaaan!

[FADE to black…]

Voiceover: Next time, on Otaku!

Otaku: HEY guys! Champion Otaku here! Next time on Otaku, it looks like I’m in real trouble! Brown-domo gets knocked out as we head out on our latest adventure, and as I’m carrying him to an inn, we get attacked by vicious furniture salesmen! How am I going to survive? Tune in next time to Otaku – episode 45, Chairs of Death!!

Karl: You’ve been watching Excel Saga again, you’re getting crazier.

Otaku: YATTA!!

[END]
 

Justin

Da BAWS
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“Who is Rich Mahogany?”

[A voice in the darkness.]

“Well now, that’s kind of a loaded question, if you know what I mean!”

[FLASH CUTS: Rich Mahogany beats everyone in DREAM, then quits to go work for the competition. Rich loses to everyone in NFW and leaves due to failing a drug test... for “performance enhancing” levels of Enzyte. Rich comes back to DREAM, beats everybody again, and then cries when the doors get closed on his dong mere minutes before he was set to (probably) win the World Title.]

“Rich Mahogany is a man with a plan, a dream, and a raging hard-on that just can’t reach its’ climax until he’s humped the entirety of the competition into slack-jawed submission!”

[FADE IN: The Ladies Man, Rich Mahogany, in all of his oiled up, hairy-chested glory, is plopped very nonchalant across a cheap two-fold orange and yellow beach chair. You know the kind, with the little strips of whatever that separate when fat people sit on them.]

RICH:
Ya know, the Rich-man’s been somewhat off’a the radar for a while now as it pertains to the ol’ rasslin’ business. Hell, truth told I’ve been too busy taggin’ an’ tea-baggin’ all of The Ladies down in Orlando where I used to work. You can say I got a little bit distracted when DREAM closed, cried away my tears in an ocean of pink so to speak, and now here I am, knock-knock-knockin’ at the Empire’s door, can ya dig it?

[The Vaginal Vegan is all teeth when he smiles.]

RICH:
Now. That brings me to you, Old Taco, and to a lesser degree to your [finger quotes] “partner” Karl Brown, who last I checked ain’t no Bruce Lee.

But I digress.

What ol’ Richie sees when he looks at you two goobers is one guy who takes himself entirely too seriously, and another guy who dresses up like women and jerks it to his Sailor Moon mangas! DO NOT GET ME WRONG! The Terrible Temptation that Rocks the Nation can dig Sailor Moon, what with her three inch long micro-mini-skirts and always getting her tits plopped out of her shirt during fights, but at the end of the day...

THAT **** IS A CARTOON.

Come on, dude, we all love a little tentacle-rape porn every now and again, but if you’re gonna whack it, at least whack it to real chicks on streaming webcams! Otherwise yer gay. And by gay, I mean homosexual. You take it in the pooper.

You love the cawk.

You get what I’m sayin’?

[Behind the Love Machine is your official EPW wall-hanging banner. It’s all light blue and white, you know, like the website. We’re probably somewhere near Baltimore, you know, for Aggression 60.]

RICH:
Seriously, man, you’re takin’ this anime thing just a little too far, don’t you think? You either dress in drag, or you dress like a dude who looks like a chick, or you dress like some kind of weird yellow animal thing, or whatever else you cosplay types like to dress in, you talk like Mr. Miyagi on crack, and you even do YOUR OWN VOICE OVER WORK!

What gives with that?

And then you train for my big debut by what, playing bow and arrow with your pal Karl? Don’t get me wrong, playin’ Robin Hood might get you a Maid Marion or two at the ol’ Renaissance Fair, and dressin’ up like Chun Li might get you a few fat chicks in spandex from ye olde ComiCon, but when it comes to training for a match with Rich Mahogany, you might just wanna, oh I don’t know, hit the weights, kid.

Maybe work on yer stamina.

Hell, maybe even look up some tape, it ain’t that hard, right?

[Rich is dressed as usual, an off-yellow neckerchief wrapped casually around his neck, no shirt, a matching banana-hammock, and a pair of Dollar General flip-flops. He uncrosses his chiseled legs for a second and scratches his sack, and yes that’s quite a bit of side-nut that’s bulging out of either side of his extra-medium bikini briefs.]

RICH:
Or is it?

[Wink. Smile.]

RICH:
Or, and this is better for me, don’t. Keep playin’ dress up with yer little AD&D friends, keep letting whoever Karl Brown is give you bad advice on how to not be a successful wrestler. I bet with all of that and a little hard work, you could be the champion of one half of a dead division on no time!

[SFX: Rimshot!]

RICH:
See what I did there?

That’s just about enough talkin’ about you though, Taco, what the world and more specifically The Ladies want to talk about is me, Rich mother-effin Mahogany! They want to know more about the Deltoids to Die For...

[Rich flexes.]

RICH:
...the All-Star Abdominals...

[He flexes again, the man is in shape fa sho!]

RICH:
...and the MAXIMUS glutius MAXIMUS!

[He turns around, snatches his man-thong up to a disgusting degree, and flexes his butt like a stripper working hard for that extra dollar bill. It’s really quite unsettling.]

RICH: [over his shoulder]
That’s right! And once The Ladies are pleased, everything else is gonna fall into place. It always does. And once I blow past you, the Empire’s own official doormat, ol’ Rich-rageous’ll move on to bigger and better things, like maybe that toolbox of an Intercontinental Champion Impulse, or that other guy who holds that other belt that’s more important.

Ain’t no doubt about it, Empire Pro, Rich Mahogany is cumming...

HE’S CUMMIN’ TA GET’CHA!

[FADE2PINK]
 

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