“Who is Rich Mahogany?”
[A voice in the darkness.]
“Well now, that’s kind of a loaded question, if you know what I mean!”
[FLASH CUTS: Rich Mahogany beats everyone in DREAM, then quits to go work for the competition. Rich loses to everyone in NFW and leaves due to failing a drug test... for “performance enhancing” levels of Enzyte. Rich comes back to DREAM, beats everybody again, and then cries when the doors get closed on his dong mere minutes before he was set to (probably) win the World Title.]
“Rich Mahogany is a man with a plan, a dream, and a raging hard-on that just can’t reach its’ climax until he’s humped the entirety of the competition into slack-jawed submission!”
[FADE IN: The Ladies Man, Rich Mahogany, in all of his oiled up, hairy-chested glory, is plopped very nonchalant across a cheap two-fold orange and yellow beach chair. You know the kind, with the little strips of whatever that separate when fat people sit on them.]
RICH:
Ya know, the Rich-man’s been somewhat off’a the radar for a while now as it pertains to the ol’ rasslin’ business. Hell, truth told I’ve been too busy taggin’ an’ tea-baggin’ all of The Ladies down in Orlando where I used to work. You can say I got a little bit distracted when DREAM closed, cried away my tears in an ocean of pink so to speak, and now here I am, knock-knock-knockin’ at the Empire’s door, can ya dig it?
[The Vaginal Vegan is all teeth when he smiles.]
RICH:
Now. That brings me to you, Old Taco, and to a lesser degree to your [finger quotes] “partner” Karl Brown, who last I checked ain’t no Bruce Lee.
But I digress.
What ol’ Richie sees when he looks at you two goobers is one guy who takes himself entirely too seriously, and another guy who dresses up like women and jerks it to his Sailor Moon mangas! DO NOT GET ME WRONG! The Terrible Temptation that Rocks the Nation can dig Sailor Moon, what with her three inch long micro-mini-skirts and always getting her tits plopped out of her shirt during fights, but at the end of the day...
THAT **** IS A CARTOON.
Come on, dude, we all love a little tentacle-rape porn every now and again, but if you’re gonna whack it, at least whack it to real chicks on streaming webcams! Otherwise yer gay. And by gay, I mean homosexual. You take it in the pooper.
You love the cawk.
You get what I’m sayin’?
[Behind the Love Machine is your official EPW wall-hanging banner. It’s all light blue and white, you know, like the website. We’re probably somewhere near Baltimore, you know, for Aggression 60.]
RICH:
Seriously, man, you’re takin’ this anime thing just a little too far, don’t you think? You either dress in drag, or you dress like a dude who looks like a chick, or you dress like some kind of weird yellow animal thing, or whatever else you cosplay types like to dress in, you talk like Mr. Miyagi on crack, and you even do YOUR OWN VOICE OVER WORK!
What gives with that?
And then you train for my big debut by what, playing bow and arrow with your pal Karl? Don’t get me wrong, playin’ Robin Hood might get you a Maid Marion or two at the ol’ Renaissance Fair, and dressin’ up like Chun Li might get you a few fat chicks in spandex from ye olde ComiCon, but when it comes to training for a match with Rich Mahogany, you might just wanna, oh I don’t know, hit the weights, kid.
Maybe work on yer stamina.
Hell, maybe even look up some tape, it ain’t that hard, right?
[Rich is dressed as usual, an off-yellow neckerchief wrapped casually around his neck, no shirt, a matching banana-hammock, and a pair of Dollar General flip-flops. He uncrosses his chiseled legs for a second and scratches his sack, and yes that’s quite a bit of side-nut that’s bulging out of either side of his extra-medium bikini briefs.]
RICH:
Or is it?
[Wink. Smile.]
RICH:
Or, and this is better for me, don’t. Keep playin’ dress up with yer little AD&D friends, keep letting whoever Karl Brown is give you bad advice on how to not be a successful wrestler. I bet with all of that and a little hard work, you could be the champion of one half of a dead division on no time!
[SFX: Rimshot!]
RICH:
See what I did there?
That’s just about enough talkin’ about you though, Taco, what the world and more specifically The Ladies want to talk about is me, Rich mother-effin Mahogany! They want to know more about the Deltoids to Die For...
[Rich flexes.]
RICH:
...the All-Star Abdominals...
[He flexes again, the man is in shape fa sho!]
RICH:
...and the MAXIMUS glutius MAXIMUS!
[He turns around, snatches his man-thong up to a disgusting degree, and flexes his butt like a stripper working hard for that extra dollar bill. It’s really quite unsettling.]
RICH: [over his shoulder]
That’s right! And once The Ladies are pleased, everything else is gonna fall into place. It always does. And once I blow past you, the Empire’s own official doormat, ol’ Rich-rageous’ll move on to bigger and better things, like maybe that toolbox of an Intercontinental Champion Impulse, or that other guy who holds that other belt that’s more important.
Ain’t no doubt about it, Empire Pro, Rich Mahogany is cumming...
HE’S CUMMIN’ TA GET’CHA!
[FADE2PINK]