AGGRESSION 61: Copycat vs. Rich Mahogany
- Thread starter DBrunkGXW
- Start date
GARTHIsTheLaw
League Member
<i>(From a black screen, we fade in on a shot of a darkened room. In the background, barely illuminated by the paltry amount of light in the room, is a chair, facing away from the camera. Copycat is sitting in the chair, looking away, unmoving; only the back of his head is visible. In the foreground, Aaron Jones leans against a wall, eyes on the ground)</i>
<b>Aaron Jones:</b> He is lost in thought.
<i>(He looks up at the ceiling for a second)</i>
<b>Jones:</b> In fact, save for his brief appearance at Aggression 60, he has been lost in thought since Wrestleverse IV.
<i>(Jones turns to look into the camera)</i>
<b>Jones:</b> It was easy for me to understand his disappointment at his loss to Anarky. It was equally easy for me to understand his frustration at the constant obstacles thrown in his way by Dan Ryan.
But it is difficult for me to adequately describe his feelings regarding the betrayal of Larry Tact. Though, in the absence of his guidance, I will try.
He has, on many occasions, used his experiences in Anthology to foster understanding of his current mission. He joined that group – and, in so doing, rejoined the wrestling business – because he was promised that its goals were to restore the business to its former glory. This was very specifically stated by all of its active members at the time he joined. He took them at their word.
But he gradually came to realize the members of Anthology – though they had done more for the industry than have the members of its newest generation – were unwilling to put the needs of the business over their own needs. It was only a matter of time before the group would fall apart, collapsing under the weight of its members’ egos. Shawn Hart turned against us. Jared Wells led a rebellion against Cameron Cruise. Sean Stevens came to believe he was too good for the group, and Sean Edmunds and Jared Wells just gradually lost interest.
He was lied to by those who had promised him he was fighting for a greater cause. He could not trust those men to further this important cause, and so he plunged himself fully into that cause, forsaking his legacy in this business in the process. It hurt him that he had been lied to, and it hurt him that he could not even trust Sean Edmunds and Jared Wells, the two men who – given the betrayal-rich nature of the wrestling business – were probably the closest to being people he could call “friends.”
I knew all this, of course. Even before I dedicated myself to his mission, I watched the rise and fall of Anthology, saw its members swear allegiance to the restoration of this business while quietly seeking opportunities to promote themselves over all others.
Through it all, though, I never saw him show anything but reverence for Larry Tact.
Maybe it was his no-nonsense attitude. Maybe it was his impressive in-ring ability. Maybe it was the unjust manner in which he was forced out of Anthology – Cameron Cruise was forced out too, of course, but that would never have happened had he not already begun to go into business for himself.
All I know at this point is what I have seen with my own eyes, though. And though I watched Anthology drift apart as its members began to make their individual needs a priority, I never saw Larry Tact move in that direction. I suspect that is why he respected Larry Tact so much.
For Larry Tact, the only one who never appeared to waver from the cause, to take up with Dan Ryan, who has established himself as the true enemy of the future of this business, must have been devastating to him.
But I’m just as ignorant of his true feelings as anyone else. I would interpret his actions at Aggression 60 as something of a warning shot, but that’s just a guess.
Here’s what I do know.
At Aggression 61, he has a match against Rich Mahogany, a newcomer to EPW. We know that Rich Mahogany defeated one-half of the EPW Tag Team Champions at Aggression 60. We know that Rich Mahogany considers himself no less than God’s gift to women. We know that his stereotype-laden attitude is no reason to discount his formidability as a competitor.
Under ordinary circumstances, Rich Mahogany might have nothing to fear from him but defeat. As a new addition to the business, Rich Mahogany, for all his egotism, has yet to establish himself as an enemy of it. And he is generally not inclined to bring grievous harm upon those who would do grievous harm to the industry.
But these circumstances are not ordinary. I cannot speak for his frame of mind. It is entirely possible he will save his wrath for Larry Tact and will meet Rich Mahogany in the ring with plans to do no more than win a wrestling match. But it is also possible he will seek to make an example of Rich Mahogany, to present him as a symbol of just what he is capable of when properly motivated.
Rich Mahogany, you may take comfort in this fact, and this fact alone: You are neither Larry Tact nor Dan Ryan. The pain he visits upon you will be no greater than the pain he visits upon them when the time comes.
Beyond that, I offer no promises. All I can offer is this.
Do not come to Aggression 61 looking to triumph.
Come to Aggression 61 looking to survive.
Your preparedness may be the only thing that saves you from his wrath.
<i>(Jones refocuses his eyes on the ground. After a few seconds, he glances in Copycat’s direction, looking for a response. He receives none. Jones again looks at the ground as we fade to black)</i>
<b>Aaron Jones:</b> He is lost in thought.
<i>(He looks up at the ceiling for a second)</i>
<b>Jones:</b> In fact, save for his brief appearance at Aggression 60, he has been lost in thought since Wrestleverse IV.
<i>(Jones turns to look into the camera)</i>
<b>Jones:</b> It was easy for me to understand his disappointment at his loss to Anarky. It was equally easy for me to understand his frustration at the constant obstacles thrown in his way by Dan Ryan.
But it is difficult for me to adequately describe his feelings regarding the betrayal of Larry Tact. Though, in the absence of his guidance, I will try.
He has, on many occasions, used his experiences in Anthology to foster understanding of his current mission. He joined that group – and, in so doing, rejoined the wrestling business – because he was promised that its goals were to restore the business to its former glory. This was very specifically stated by all of its active members at the time he joined. He took them at their word.
But he gradually came to realize the members of Anthology – though they had done more for the industry than have the members of its newest generation – were unwilling to put the needs of the business over their own needs. It was only a matter of time before the group would fall apart, collapsing under the weight of its members’ egos. Shawn Hart turned against us. Jared Wells led a rebellion against Cameron Cruise. Sean Stevens came to believe he was too good for the group, and Sean Edmunds and Jared Wells just gradually lost interest.
He was lied to by those who had promised him he was fighting for a greater cause. He could not trust those men to further this important cause, and so he plunged himself fully into that cause, forsaking his legacy in this business in the process. It hurt him that he had been lied to, and it hurt him that he could not even trust Sean Edmunds and Jared Wells, the two men who – given the betrayal-rich nature of the wrestling business – were probably the closest to being people he could call “friends.”
I knew all this, of course. Even before I dedicated myself to his mission, I watched the rise and fall of Anthology, saw its members swear allegiance to the restoration of this business while quietly seeking opportunities to promote themselves over all others.
Through it all, though, I never saw him show anything but reverence for Larry Tact.
Maybe it was his no-nonsense attitude. Maybe it was his impressive in-ring ability. Maybe it was the unjust manner in which he was forced out of Anthology – Cameron Cruise was forced out too, of course, but that would never have happened had he not already begun to go into business for himself.
All I know at this point is what I have seen with my own eyes, though. And though I watched Anthology drift apart as its members began to make their individual needs a priority, I never saw Larry Tact move in that direction. I suspect that is why he respected Larry Tact so much.
For Larry Tact, the only one who never appeared to waver from the cause, to take up with Dan Ryan, who has established himself as the true enemy of the future of this business, must have been devastating to him.
But I’m just as ignorant of his true feelings as anyone else. I would interpret his actions at Aggression 60 as something of a warning shot, but that’s just a guess.
Here’s what I do know.
At Aggression 61, he has a match against Rich Mahogany, a newcomer to EPW. We know that Rich Mahogany defeated one-half of the EPW Tag Team Champions at Aggression 60. We know that Rich Mahogany considers himself no less than God’s gift to women. We know that his stereotype-laden attitude is no reason to discount his formidability as a competitor.
Under ordinary circumstances, Rich Mahogany might have nothing to fear from him but defeat. As a new addition to the business, Rich Mahogany, for all his egotism, has yet to establish himself as an enemy of it. And he is generally not inclined to bring grievous harm upon those who would do grievous harm to the industry.
But these circumstances are not ordinary. I cannot speak for his frame of mind. It is entirely possible he will save his wrath for Larry Tact and will meet Rich Mahogany in the ring with plans to do no more than win a wrestling match. But it is also possible he will seek to make an example of Rich Mahogany, to present him as a symbol of just what he is capable of when properly motivated.
Rich Mahogany, you may take comfort in this fact, and this fact alone: You are neither Larry Tact nor Dan Ryan. The pain he visits upon you will be no greater than the pain he visits upon them when the time comes.
Beyond that, I offer no promises. All I can offer is this.
Do not come to Aggression 61 looking to triumph.
Come to Aggression 61 looking to survive.
Your preparedness may be the only thing that saves you from his wrath.
<i>(Jones refocuses his eyes on the ground. After a few seconds, he glances in Copycat’s direction, looking for a response. He receives none. Jones again looks at the ground as we fade to black)</i>
“How about if I come to Aggression looking to get some Pussy?”
[Up.]
[Rich Mahogany, burgeoning EPW Ultra-Star and penultimate Ladies Man, finds himself once again in front of the cameras of the Empire.]
[Such is the life of a future World Champion.]
Rich:
Because seeing how easy it was to lock up one-half of the Eee-Pee-Dub World Tag Team Champions up in the SexPlex and get that all important first win out of the way, Ye Olde Original Rich Mahogany will probably have a much tougher time with The Ladies in attendance than he’d ever have with some gomo named “Copycat” who couldn’t be bothered to show his face on camera.
[Rich winks...]
[He then cocks an eyebrow, plays back what he’d just said in his head, and after deciding that it didn’t make him sound gay, he continued right along.]
Rich:
SPEAKING OF! Just exactly who in Christ’s G-string are you, Aaron Jones? You are most assuredly not the walking contradiction of a gimmicked name that I’m booked against this week! As an aside, what’s with that name, Copycat, anyhow? Is the dude gonna try to dress up like me to get chicks? If so, and I’m perfectly fine with it, ALLOW ME TO HELP!
[Rich pulls a used Speedo out of his bananna-hammock.]
Rich:
I’ve got a spare cock-sock right here so as to make it easier. I’ve got to say though, I really can’t be bothered with taking somebody named Copycat seriously until he gets off’a his dead ass and acknowledges me.
And Aaron, before you go telling me that I don’t rate your slave-driver’s attention, understand that I will come to Aggression and jerk off in your mouth just to point out to everybody that you are in fact a big gay homo.
Don’t start with me about any of that holier-than-thou crap either. Last time he was in the ring, he lost, and the next time he’s in the ring he’s gonna lose to a guy named Rich Mahogany.
[Two thumbs to the chest.]
Rich:
That’s me!
And while you stone cold ijits might think that I’m some kind of a joke, I’m here to tell you that the only joke in this situation is Copycat’s chances of coming out of this match at Aggression with any kind of momentum still in tact...
[His face scrunches together.]
Rich:
And furthermore...
I AM NOT LARRY TACT!
So, could we please, I dunno, try to stay on task for five minutes?
KTHXBI!
[Fade to pink.]
[Up.]
[Rich Mahogany, burgeoning EPW Ultra-Star and penultimate Ladies Man, finds himself once again in front of the cameras of the Empire.]
[Such is the life of a future World Champion.]
Rich:
Because seeing how easy it was to lock up one-half of the Eee-Pee-Dub World Tag Team Champions up in the SexPlex and get that all important first win out of the way, Ye Olde Original Rich Mahogany will probably have a much tougher time with The Ladies in attendance than he’d ever have with some gomo named “Copycat” who couldn’t be bothered to show his face on camera.
[Rich winks...]
[He then cocks an eyebrow, plays back what he’d just said in his head, and after deciding that it didn’t make him sound gay, he continued right along.]
Rich:
SPEAKING OF! Just exactly who in Christ’s G-string are you, Aaron Jones? You are most assuredly not the walking contradiction of a gimmicked name that I’m booked against this week! As an aside, what’s with that name, Copycat, anyhow? Is the dude gonna try to dress up like me to get chicks? If so, and I’m perfectly fine with it, ALLOW ME TO HELP!
[Rich pulls a used Speedo out of his bananna-hammock.]
Rich:
I’ve got a spare cock-sock right here so as to make it easier. I’ve got to say though, I really can’t be bothered with taking somebody named Copycat seriously until he gets off’a his dead ass and acknowledges me.
And Aaron, before you go telling me that I don’t rate your slave-driver’s attention, understand that I will come to Aggression and jerk off in your mouth just to point out to everybody that you are in fact a big gay homo.
Don’t start with me about any of that holier-than-thou crap either. Last time he was in the ring, he lost, and the next time he’s in the ring he’s gonna lose to a guy named Rich Mahogany.
[Two thumbs to the chest.]
Rich:
That’s me!
And while you stone cold ijits might think that I’m some kind of a joke, I’m here to tell you that the only joke in this situation is Copycat’s chances of coming out of this match at Aggression with any kind of momentum still in tact...
[His face scrunches together.]
Rich:
And furthermore...
I AM NOT LARRY TACT!
So, could we please, I dunno, try to stay on task for five minutes?
KTHXBI!
[Fade to pink.]
GARTHIsTheLaw
League Member
<i>(We fade in on a darkened room. Barely visible in the background is a desk piled with books and papers. On a chair, sitting at the desk, is Copycat. From this angle, all we can see is the back of his head as he looks intently at whatever is on the desk in front of him. Aaron Jones stands in the foreground, his body largely facing the camera but his torso and head turned back toward Copycat. After a second, Jones looks into the camera, an annoyed look on his face)</i>
<b>Aaron Jones:</b> I am disappointed, Rich.
And though it is not my disappointment you should be concerned with, you might do well to listen to my reasoning.
That you have put no effort into figuring out who he is and what his all-important mission entails would be disappointing enough were you just another wrestler with no direct need to be concerned. But to put no effort into learning anything about the man who will be your opponent – merely passing him off as someone you’ve never heard of – is as foolish as it is suicidal.
This kind of willful ignorance, to my mind, places you firmly on the selfish and ungrateful side of this new generation of competitors. The self-absorption you have demonstrated with this one action is enough, in my opinion, to designate you deserving of annihilation by him.
If it were up to me, no second chance would be forthcoming. It would not, I am inclined to believe, be as effective as the ruination he is capable of inflicting.
Luckily for you, the decision is not mine. You fate is his to decide, and I cannot speak to his intentions. When I might learn them, I cannot pinpoint – but if nothing else, we’ll both know them quite well after Aggression 61.
In the meantime, you still appear to be unwilling to learn more about him of your own accord. So let me fill you in.
He is the man who took the EPW World Heavyweight Champion to the very limit at Wrestleverse IV. He may very well have succeeded were it not for the intervention of Larry Tact.
He is the man who ended the career of EPW’s most stalwart defender and one of its longest-running champions, “Triple X” Sean Stevens. Everyone said Sean Stevens was too tough a man to break – but he found a way to break Sean Stevens.
He is the man who has struck such fear into the hearts of the EPW establishment that the league’s owner, Dan Ryan, has made it his stated mission to stop him.
Those whose continued presence in this business continues to poison and distort it understand the threat he represents to their status quo. But he is steadfast in his goals, and will go to any lengths to prevent these men from destroying the business he so loves.
Now you know who he is, Rich Mahogany. With that out of the way, it is time for you to decide who you are.
We both know who you think you are, of course. But understand this: When you step into the ring with him at Aggression 61, any notions you have of your own identity will go out the window. Your match with him will be on his terms, and you will need to define yourself using those terms.
Do you want to be the sort of person he merely wrestles? Or do you want to be the sort of person he destroys?
You’ve demonstrated behavior deserving of destruction. But as long as his mind has not yet been made up – and I suspect it has not been – you may yet have the reprieve you do not deserve. I advise you to make the most of it.
Don’t resign yourself to punishment. Don’t throw away your chance to change this business for the better.
See what he sees.
Or risk being blinded when he forces the light into your eyes.
Make your choice.
<i>(Jones continues staring into the camera as we fade to black)
(After a few seconds of nothing, a burst of static reintroduces Jones, now turned again to look at an unmoving and unacknowledging Copycat. A second later, another burst of static returns the screen to black)</i>
<b>Aaron Jones:</b> I am disappointed, Rich.
And though it is not my disappointment you should be concerned with, you might do well to listen to my reasoning.
That you have put no effort into figuring out who he is and what his all-important mission entails would be disappointing enough were you just another wrestler with no direct need to be concerned. But to put no effort into learning anything about the man who will be your opponent – merely passing him off as someone you’ve never heard of – is as foolish as it is suicidal.
This kind of willful ignorance, to my mind, places you firmly on the selfish and ungrateful side of this new generation of competitors. The self-absorption you have demonstrated with this one action is enough, in my opinion, to designate you deserving of annihilation by him.
If it were up to me, no second chance would be forthcoming. It would not, I am inclined to believe, be as effective as the ruination he is capable of inflicting.
Luckily for you, the decision is not mine. You fate is his to decide, and I cannot speak to his intentions. When I might learn them, I cannot pinpoint – but if nothing else, we’ll both know them quite well after Aggression 61.
In the meantime, you still appear to be unwilling to learn more about him of your own accord. So let me fill you in.
He is the man who took the EPW World Heavyweight Champion to the very limit at Wrestleverse IV. He may very well have succeeded were it not for the intervention of Larry Tact.
He is the man who ended the career of EPW’s most stalwart defender and one of its longest-running champions, “Triple X” Sean Stevens. Everyone said Sean Stevens was too tough a man to break – but he found a way to break Sean Stevens.
He is the man who has struck such fear into the hearts of the EPW establishment that the league’s owner, Dan Ryan, has made it his stated mission to stop him.
Those whose continued presence in this business continues to poison and distort it understand the threat he represents to their status quo. But he is steadfast in his goals, and will go to any lengths to prevent these men from destroying the business he so loves.
Now you know who he is, Rich Mahogany. With that out of the way, it is time for you to decide who you are.
We both know who you think you are, of course. But understand this: When you step into the ring with him at Aggression 61, any notions you have of your own identity will go out the window. Your match with him will be on his terms, and you will need to define yourself using those terms.
Do you want to be the sort of person he merely wrestles? Or do you want to be the sort of person he destroys?
You’ve demonstrated behavior deserving of destruction. But as long as his mind has not yet been made up – and I suspect it has not been – you may yet have the reprieve you do not deserve. I advise you to make the most of it.
Don’t resign yourself to punishment. Don’t throw away your chance to change this business for the better.
See what he sees.
Or risk being blinded when he forces the light into your eyes.
Make your choice.
<i>(Jones continues staring into the camera as we fade to black)
(After a few seconds of nothing, a burst of static reintroduces Jones, now turned again to look at an unmoving and unacknowledging Copycat. A second later, another burst of static returns the screen to black)</i>
# You ain’t gotta say too much
# From the look in your eyes#
I can tell you wanna fuck...
I can tell you wanna fuck...
# And you ain’t gotta call me your boo
# Just as bad as you wanna fuck#
I wanna fuck too...
I wanna fuck too...
[Dongs ‘R’ Us.]
[On stage Rich slowly, seductively, and with every ounce of indecency that he can muster, humps the air about three-quarters of an inch in front of the faces of a couple of “bored housewife” types that are out for a much needed Girls Night Out.]
[Aside: At least two of these women are gonna get fucked before the night is over.]
[After demonstrating The Hellicopter and spreading his butt-cheeks to collect dollars with, The Love Machine shimmy’s himself off stage, collecting more bills as his music slow-fades and he promises The Ladies that he’ll certainly be back for plenty of Private “Dances” after a short break to change his bananna-hammock and powder his nose.]
[This is all very not gay, don’t be confused.]
[Moments later Rich finds himself out back, alone in an alleyway with his Virginia Slims and an extra-medium robe tied just above his man-thong and covering absolutely nothing.]
[It must be promo-time!]
Rich:
I can’t even begin to explain to you how much I don’t care how disappointed you are in me, person who isn’t a wrestler and therefor isn’t in a particularly good place to be lecturing a wrestler about the wrestling business.
That, by the way, is your new name.
To be frank with you, guy, you concern me less than the blistered pimple on the ass of the next Lovely Lady that ol’ Rich’ll be lovingly loving and anally angling all the way through the valleys and over the crests of the waves of pure, passionate perversion.
[He takes a long skinny drag of the long skinny cigarette.]
Rich:
As to your continued need to tell me all about how apparently awesome that your chronically bored (re: boring) chaperone used to be or wants to be or never will be, all I really gleaned from the whole bit was that he’s recently lost a bunch of matches and apparently Dan Ryan is so tired of having Copycat bore the EPW audiences to sleep that he’s made it a point to almost put some effort into ridding him of the Empire all together.
Does that about cover it?
Now, do us all a favor and stop using a thesaurus to pre-write your badly worded and horrifically paced promos and let the man speak for himself. I’m so tired of hearing you talk I could listen to “Achy Breaky Heart” on an endless loop just to distract me from your silly little voice.
I don’t give one quarter of one boner about Copycat’s belief-systems as it pertains to wrestling, because Copycat’s ideas of what’s right and wrong don’t have a signature and therefor can’t possibly be signing my paychecks.
Maybe you haven’t noticed, but this business is about money.
And nothing but.
As a matter of fact, let me go out on a limb right now to explain to you, so that you can in turn translate to Copycat, that once we step foot in the ring at Aggression I’m going to do everything in my power to not only take the spotlight squarely off of him and have it shined beautifully and correctly on me, but I’m gonna break every rule that I can think of on the way to pinning his shoulders to the mat for three seconds so that I can collect the winners’ share of the paycheck along with generating more revenue for the Empire in eight minutes than he’s done in however many boring years that he’s been here.
[Inhale. Exhale.]
Rich:
This isn’t about Copycat, you see.
This is Wrestling Booking 101. This is taking the young, upstart, star-in-the making and putting him in the ring with the aging, out of focus veteran, so that the upstart can strut his stuff to a bigger audience while picking up the rub of embarrassing a supposed “draw” so that next week the upstart can be in a title match.
This whole thing is about me, Rich Mahogany, and my meteoric rise up the ladder of the Empire at the expense of a bunch of supposed “stars” on the way to the quickest World Title match in the history of wrestling as a business.
But first thing’s first, Richie-Rich is on his way to Aggression to out-wrestle, out-class, and without even trying out-sexy the Copycat for just long enough to pop the ratings before he goes back to doing what he does better than no other man or bull-dyke walking the face of the planet...
Pleasing The Ladies.
Speaking of which, I’ve got a couple of Cougars in there right now chomping at the bit take everything that the Vascular Vaginatarian, that’s me, cares to give them.
[He smirks, his pearly whites are so fresh and so clean.]
Rich:
Now, this is the last time that I address Copycat through a proxy. You tell that cocky, condescending cocksucker that until he sees fit to address me himself, any further promotional material from Yours Truly will come in the form of a spoken word performance of Cunnilingus: How to Please Your Lady in 241 Simple Steps that will undoubtedly net me more views on The Empire’s youtube channel than anything you could ever possibly do outside of getting hillariously kicked in the nuts by an assortment of farmyard animals.
Try me.
I dare you.
[And with that Rich drops his cigarette on the wet concrete beneath him, crushing it out like so many hopes and dreams that n’er-do-wells like Aaron Jones grasp onto instead of actually accomplishing something in life.]
[End.]
GARTHIsTheLaw
League Member
<i>(We fade in on a darkened and, by all appearances, unoccupied hallway. After a few seconds, Copycat paces through – eyes down, arms folded behind his back. After he walks offscreen, there are a few uncomfortable seconds of nothing, followed by another pacethrough by Copycat. After this second pacethrough, the camera pans to the left to show Aaron Jones standing against a wall, eyes up toward the ceiling)</i>
<b>Aaron Jones:</b> It’s time you abandoned the match narrative that’s been running on repeat in your head, Rich.
<i>(Jones brings his eyes level with the opposite wall)</i>
<b>Jones:</b> You’ve made no secret of your discomfort at communicating with me, rather than with him. So perhaps, rather than complaining, you ought to just accept my presence. Think of it as a preview of the many things you won’t be able to control at Aggression 61.
<i>(He turns to look at the camera)</i>
<b>Jones:</b> It was not my idea to speak to you without his guidance – without an established message from him. But it’s something I’ve come to terms with. And you would do well to come to terms with it as well.
It would appear you have shaped a very specific worldview following your one match in EPW. This is how all pre-match interactions with you are supposed to go. This is how all matches with you are supposed to go. And lucky you – Otaku didn’t pull you out of your comfort zone.
But you will find, I think, that he is not known for letting his opponents stay in their comfort zones. Especially when they have expressed disdain for the all-important cause he has sacrificed his legacy for.
A more uncouth opponent might accuse you of trying to succeed in this line of work the same way you succeeded in the last. But I’ve spent enough time studying this business, both with and without his guidance, to know better. More than anything else, you’re just a product of your environment. The big names of this current generation of competitors have taught you that all you need to do is take, take, take – do whatever it takes to claw to the top, even if there’s nothing left for you to rule over once you get there.
There’s nothing wrong with using determination and sacrifice to succeed in this business, of course. But people like you – and the selfish ingrates whose actions have formed your impressions of this industry – have told you that the sacrifice need not be yours, if you are willing to destroy this business, bit by bit, in the process. And you believed them.
<i>(Copycat paces across the hallway again in the background)</i>
<b>Jones:</b> So you think that you can just come out, demand everything on your terms, and achieve the same success achieved by those who came before you and made their own contributions to the wanton destruction of this once-great business.
You’ve made bold claims that you will control your match with him from start to finish, using your youthful aggression to overcome his respect for history. You clearly believe there is an inherent advantage to fighting against the old ways, against the methods of those who worked to preserve the business for people like you.
But you’re not the first person to make such claims. And you won’t be the first person to fail to live up to them.
The Heirs of Wrestling were young and brash, and they promised to rid the business of people like him. So did Michael Bastard. So did Layne Winters.
He’s still here. Where are they?
He is still devoting his life to the continued preservation of the business he loves, that he helped preserve for future generations. And they have burned out – realizing success on their terms was not so easy a proposition as they had envisioned, and being unwilling to truly work for it.
<i>(Copycat paces by in the background once again)</i>
<b>Jones:</b> So take my advice, Rich. Don’t go into Aggression 61 expecting to set the pace. Don’t head down to that ring expecting your match with him to be on your terms. It will only make what happens next all the more devastating for you.
You’re young yet. You have a promising career ahead of you. Don’t set yourself up so soon for such a monumental failure. Free yourself of the illusion of control.
See what he sees.
You need not even wait until Aggression 61 to free yourself of that illusion. You can start right now.
You said you would offer no more responses until he addressed you directly. That has not happened. Nor, I suspect, will it happen at any point prior to Aggression 61.
<i>(Copycat paces by again)</i>
<b>Jones:</b> But you want to respond, don’t you? You’re too vain and egotistical to stay silent. You can’t let the things I’ve said stand unchallenged, even though you have no real arguments to truly challenge them.
Say something. Anything. Go back on your word. Prove him right. Surrender all sense of control and accept the fact that at Aggression 61, you enter his ring for a match on his terms.
Take solace in the fact that it is Larry Tact and Dan Ryan who are most deserving of annihilation, and know that if you do not enter that ring diametrically opposed to his crucial mission, you will most likely walk out of it unassisted.
See what he sees, Rich.
Or don’t. Your choice.
Just be mentally prepared to see your lofty dreams come to an abrupt end.
<i>(Copycat prepares to pace through the background once again, but this time, he stops in the middle of the hallway. Jones turns and looks back at him, perhaps expecting some sort of acknowledgement – but after a few seconds, Copycat, without even looking up, paces offscreen again. Jones looks after him for a second or two before we cut to black)</i>
<b>Aaron Jones:</b> It’s time you abandoned the match narrative that’s been running on repeat in your head, Rich.
<i>(Jones brings his eyes level with the opposite wall)</i>
<b>Jones:</b> You’ve made no secret of your discomfort at communicating with me, rather than with him. So perhaps, rather than complaining, you ought to just accept my presence. Think of it as a preview of the many things you won’t be able to control at Aggression 61.
<i>(He turns to look at the camera)</i>
<b>Jones:</b> It was not my idea to speak to you without his guidance – without an established message from him. But it’s something I’ve come to terms with. And you would do well to come to terms with it as well.
It would appear you have shaped a very specific worldview following your one match in EPW. This is how all pre-match interactions with you are supposed to go. This is how all matches with you are supposed to go. And lucky you – Otaku didn’t pull you out of your comfort zone.
But you will find, I think, that he is not known for letting his opponents stay in their comfort zones. Especially when they have expressed disdain for the all-important cause he has sacrificed his legacy for.
A more uncouth opponent might accuse you of trying to succeed in this line of work the same way you succeeded in the last. But I’ve spent enough time studying this business, both with and without his guidance, to know better. More than anything else, you’re just a product of your environment. The big names of this current generation of competitors have taught you that all you need to do is take, take, take – do whatever it takes to claw to the top, even if there’s nothing left for you to rule over once you get there.
There’s nothing wrong with using determination and sacrifice to succeed in this business, of course. But people like you – and the selfish ingrates whose actions have formed your impressions of this industry – have told you that the sacrifice need not be yours, if you are willing to destroy this business, bit by bit, in the process. And you believed them.
<i>(Copycat paces across the hallway again in the background)</i>
<b>Jones:</b> So you think that you can just come out, demand everything on your terms, and achieve the same success achieved by those who came before you and made their own contributions to the wanton destruction of this once-great business.
You’ve made bold claims that you will control your match with him from start to finish, using your youthful aggression to overcome his respect for history. You clearly believe there is an inherent advantage to fighting against the old ways, against the methods of those who worked to preserve the business for people like you.
But you’re not the first person to make such claims. And you won’t be the first person to fail to live up to them.
The Heirs of Wrestling were young and brash, and they promised to rid the business of people like him. So did Michael Bastard. So did Layne Winters.
He’s still here. Where are they?
He is still devoting his life to the continued preservation of the business he loves, that he helped preserve for future generations. And they have burned out – realizing success on their terms was not so easy a proposition as they had envisioned, and being unwilling to truly work for it.
<i>(Copycat paces by in the background once again)</i>
<b>Jones:</b> So take my advice, Rich. Don’t go into Aggression 61 expecting to set the pace. Don’t head down to that ring expecting your match with him to be on your terms. It will only make what happens next all the more devastating for you.
You’re young yet. You have a promising career ahead of you. Don’t set yourself up so soon for such a monumental failure. Free yourself of the illusion of control.
See what he sees.
You need not even wait until Aggression 61 to free yourself of that illusion. You can start right now.
You said you would offer no more responses until he addressed you directly. That has not happened. Nor, I suspect, will it happen at any point prior to Aggression 61.
<i>(Copycat paces by again)</i>
<b>Jones:</b> But you want to respond, don’t you? You’re too vain and egotistical to stay silent. You can’t let the things I’ve said stand unchallenged, even though you have no real arguments to truly challenge them.
Say something. Anything. Go back on your word. Prove him right. Surrender all sense of control and accept the fact that at Aggression 61, you enter his ring for a match on his terms.
Take solace in the fact that it is Larry Tact and Dan Ryan who are most deserving of annihilation, and know that if you do not enter that ring diametrically opposed to his crucial mission, you will most likely walk out of it unassisted.
See what he sees, Rich.
Or don’t. Your choice.
Just be mentally prepared to see your lofty dreams come to an abrupt end.
<i>(Copycat prepares to pace through the background once again, but this time, he stops in the middle of the hallway. Jones turns and looks back at him, perhaps expecting some sort of acknowledgement – but after a few seconds, Copycat, without even looking up, paces offscreen again. Jones looks after him for a second or two before we cut to black)</i>
[youtube.com]
[search: Rich Mahogany EPW promos]
[Found: 4 matches]
[Latest: Rich Mahogany makes good on threat to Aaron Jones.]
[click]
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ]
[12,746 views]
[Play.]
[First thing’s first, you sit through twenty-six seconds of some terrible commercial or another. Seriously, when did the internet decide it was okay for youtube to have commercials?]
[The commercial ends and the video begins, Rich Mahogany is somewhere, very likely the local La Quinta Inn, and he’s either sitting in front of his own laptop or the computer in the media room. That is, assuming that some kid’s not on the computer jerking it to hentai.]
[We are in serious closeup mode, The Love Machine’s face being the only thing in the frame. This is probably for the best, one never does know just exactly to what extent that Rich is clothed.]
Rich Mahogany:
Alright, Aaron, you’ve forced me into this. I want you to remind Copycat of that when he starts huffing and puffing about how I’m killing the business by wasting EPW airtime on explaining the fine art of snackin’ on gash.
[He smirks.]
Rich Mahogany:
So, in light of a rebuttal, I give to you “The Vice Guide to Eating Pussy,” by Gavin McInnes.
[He clears his throat.]
Rich:
*ahem*
[And we’re off to the races...]
Rich:
Men suck at eating pussy. Not because they don’t like it but because it’s really fucking hard. You have to learn it. Giving good head is the key to just about everything in life (including getting good head later on), so it’s time we broke it down. Like this.
The secret to giving good head is to read the signs. You could be the best sexual mechanic in the world, but if you can’t read the emotional road signs, you’re going to end up wandering around in a desolate labial wasteland until, eventually, you drop from exhaustion, hot tears of confusion streaming down your face.
Think of eating the puss as your way of saying, “although I am about to rock your insides with 3,000 lbs. of explosives, here’s a little intimate treat session to show you how I really feel.” Instead of screaming “OH MY GOD!!” like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking should do), cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous “ooohmygodohmygod-ohmygod.” Kind of like being massaged with exotic fruits by a muscular Arab oil sheik. A good mange (that’s French for “eat,” you brutes) is like a thousand years of Saturdays or one of those Flake adverts.
Break it down!
BE DOWN
Don’t go down unless you’re down. Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never be done as a favor. Doing it when you don’t want to will only bring on the dry heaves. Eat like a pig at the trough and a lot of stupid mistakes get forgiven.
DON’T SAY HI TO DRY
A dry puussy is an unhappy pussy. If your fingers graze a dry bush, go back to the kissing and hugging for awhile. Just make sure you actually dip your finger between the lips. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia and a little fingerial coaxing is all that’s needed to get the honey dripping.
Once you’re sure the beaver is wet, give it a few light, teasing strokes with your finger. There’s nothing worse than rushing into this, so make sure she’s really begging for it before you get under the covers.
Extra tip: Be like Prince and bring up a wet finger that both of you can share like a 1950s milkshake with two straws.
Important: Don’t play your trump card too soon by putting your fingers all the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penetration and kill the tease factor. Try to remember that 78% of a woman’s pleasure is about yearning. Poking it in too soon is sure to put out the fire.
SUBMARINE MISSION FOR YOU, BABY
Once she’s lathered up, it’s time to go down. Get your fingers out of there and don’t touch anything for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of grinding and get some last-minute necking in like you’re going away on vacation.
Though it’s very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your head like the little mole-man that you are, this is a very bad idea. It gets super hot down there and whipping the duvet off your head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is pretty much going to kill the mood.
Start by kissing her boobs and stomach and slowly working your way down. Don’t get carried away with those stupid tits, though. That’s something you should have taken care of before the pants even came off. Right now it’s all about the stomach and inner thighs. A little bit of gentle biting is good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and move towards the muff in a slow, shark-like swoop. Nibble your way right up to the edge of her cunt, then skip across it and head for the other knee. Repeat. Doing this a few times will get her really hot and save you a lot of pussy-eating time in the long run.
When you’re just about ready to do the deed, start practicing on that weird crevice next to the lips. Don’t spend too long there or she might start to think that you think that’s the actual cunt.
By now she should be dying for you to make your move. If you’re doing it right, she’ll be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs. Stretch this phase out until she looks like she’s been holding her breath for three days.
Extra trick: Hover over the bush for about five seconds before the first lick. If you wait longer than that, she might think you’re having second thoughts because it smells bad. Of course, we all knows that motherfucker smells sweeter than a bowl of steamin’ craw-daddies.
Important: Never bite the cunt in any way whatsoever. If this needs more explaining you should probably just stick to jerking off.
PARTING THE RED SEAS
Isolate your playing field. Pubic hairs are to eating pussy what cavities are to dental hygiene. You’re never going to be able to identify all the parts if she looks like that PIL album That What is Not. One hot trick is to get her to spread her lips apart so her pussy is all set up for you like a great big buffet.
THE GRAND ENTRANCE
Do your first lick super slow. It’s good to groan and moan too. It shows you’re digging it while sending microscopic audiophonic vibrations right up her snapper. Start just above the anus and take it all the way to the fur. Do about a dozen of these “St. Bernard licks” before moving on (take it really slow, like four seconds per lick). This is a good time to figure out what kind of clit she has. If it’s real sensitive she’ll probably convulse as you pass over it and that means you’re probably in for an easy ride. If there’s no reaction when you graze over her clit, she probably has one of those nerveless little pea clits and you’re in for a thirty-minute session of tongue-tendinitis.
ROCK THE BOAT
Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fag. If you’re getting tired of being ballerina boy, take it out on the clit. Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her uncomfortable and show the little bastard who’s boss.
After all, Mr. Elusive is precisely what makes muff diving so difficult. He’s surrounded by labia and, even after you find him, all the pressure can pop him over to the side. All of a sudden you’re giving the pee hole the seeing to of its life. Think of the clit like a tumor in a pile of ear lobes. When you push down on the area he’s the only one that can’t be squished. Once one of your tongue troopers finds him, call for reinforcements. Use your lips to get hers out of the way and focus all your attention into getting him alone. Once you find him, give him a bit of a hard time for trying to hide from you. Frisk him and give him a couple of whacks across the head. More on this punk and his bad attitude later.
Extra important tip: The best way to stimulate the clit is to run your entire tongue over it after you isolate it from the lips. The man in the boat should feel the texture of the entire tongue pushing down on his body and his boat.
IDENTIFYING THE CLIT TYPE
After the slow licks it’s time to get this party started. There are essentially two types of clitori. Ones that enjoy a serious going over and ones that don’t. The latter suck about as much as a one-inch penis and you should dump her right away.
Extra tip: Clits come in all shapes, sizes and sensitivities, but that doesn’t really tell you much. All of them want to be treated slow and soft at the beginning but the only way to tell if you can go fast at the end is by reading her reactions. This is impossible to teach but just do the best you can. All we can tell you is convulsing means take it ease and “Oh my God” means bring it on.
CLITS THAT NEED A SERIOUS GOING OVER
These are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is the bad cop and the clit is the guy who killed your partner. Separate him from his buddies (the lips) and suck him right up into your mouth. Now he’s on your turf. Keep him erect by creating an air-tight vacuum chamber in your mouth. Slap the little bugger upside the head with one big tongue bonk. He’s not going to tell you shit because he’s a clit and he has no idea what you’re talking about, but kick his ass anyway. After a few teasers and swirling circles, rat-a-tat-tat him senseless like a boxer whacking a speed bag. If she starts freaking out like it’s too much, ease up on the interrogation and go back to the St. Bernard licks. The vacuum is a great way to bring her to orgasm, but it’s a bit much sometimes, so mix things up with some circles around the clit and some tongue fucking.
As you’re closing in for the kill, go back to the vacuum and give the suspect a relentless head smacking. Up-and-downies are usually the most effective, but your tongue will get less tired if you throw in a few side-to-sides. When you feel the inner thighs start to shake, this is it. Be repetitive. Do NOT be creative. You’re almost home and this is not the time to start changing tactics.
Extra tip: To keep the rhythm going, try repeating a chant in your head that goes with the movement of your tongue like a Mic Mac Indian (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistent action may throw her off, killing the mood or at least setting you back a few minutes, which is bad for morale.
Important: Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember, it isn’t over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If she’s multi-orgasmic you’ll have to keep going until you’ve done the whole routine another four or five times. If you’re not sure what to do, just keep giving her shit until the magic hands come down to pull you off.
CLITS THAT DON’T
Some clits don’t want to be singled out and battered around. These are the boring ones that need to be treated with gentle care. Just do casual St. Bernard licks until she cums, pure and simple. If you’re getting bored try going in some different directions for a while. A good way to keep it random is to spell out different letters of the alphabet with the tip of your tongue. You could be looking at half an hour here pal, and that can be problematic. If you go for that long and she doesn’t cum, you’re going to be in a foul mood, so if it’s too much work, move on. On the bright side, going for thirty minutes is something few people have the patience for, so sticking it out will lead to some payback when period week comes around.
THE CONCLUSION
Once you’re done (totally finished) she’s going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure you don’t move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate. You now have a good minute to get the condom on and take her from the quarters of Prince Muhammad Muhammad Saddat to the cockpit of an F-15.
[Rich cocks a defiant eyebrow.]
Rich:
Now.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
And don’t you dare think that you can ever goad Rich mother-effin’ Mahogany into doing something outside of exactly what he has said that he would do, jerky.
[With a final, knowing grin, Rich’s face is replaced by a black screen.]
[Replay?]
[Share?]
[search: Rich Mahogany EPW promos]
[Found: 4 matches]
[Latest: Rich Mahogany makes good on threat to Aaron Jones.]
[click]
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ]
[12,746 views]
[Play.]
[First thing’s first, you sit through twenty-six seconds of some terrible commercial or another. Seriously, when did the internet decide it was okay for youtube to have commercials?]
[The commercial ends and the video begins, Rich Mahogany is somewhere, very likely the local La Quinta Inn, and he’s either sitting in front of his own laptop or the computer in the media room. That is, assuming that some kid’s not on the computer jerking it to hentai.]
[We are in serious closeup mode, The Love Machine’s face being the only thing in the frame. This is probably for the best, one never does know just exactly to what extent that Rich is clothed.]
Rich Mahogany:
Alright, Aaron, you’ve forced me into this. I want you to remind Copycat of that when he starts huffing and puffing about how I’m killing the business by wasting EPW airtime on explaining the fine art of snackin’ on gash.
[He smirks.]
Rich Mahogany:
So, in light of a rebuttal, I give to you “The Vice Guide to Eating Pussy,” by Gavin McInnes.
[He clears his throat.]
Rich:
*ahem*
[And we’re off to the races...]
Rich:
Men suck at eating pussy. Not because they don’t like it but because it’s really fucking hard. You have to learn it. Giving good head is the key to just about everything in life (including getting good head later on), so it’s time we broke it down. Like this.
The secret to giving good head is to read the signs. You could be the best sexual mechanic in the world, but if you can’t read the emotional road signs, you’re going to end up wandering around in a desolate labial wasteland until, eventually, you drop from exhaustion, hot tears of confusion streaming down your face.
Think of eating the puss as your way of saying, “although I am about to rock your insides with 3,000 lbs. of explosives, here’s a little intimate treat session to show you how I really feel.” Instead of screaming “OH MY GOD!!” like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking should do), cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous “ooohmygodohmygod-ohmygod.” Kind of like being massaged with exotic fruits by a muscular Arab oil sheik. A good mange (that’s French for “eat,” you brutes) is like a thousand years of Saturdays or one of those Flake adverts.
Break it down!
BE DOWN
Don’t go down unless you’re down. Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never be done as a favor. Doing it when you don’t want to will only bring on the dry heaves. Eat like a pig at the trough and a lot of stupid mistakes get forgiven.
DON’T SAY HI TO DRY
A dry puussy is an unhappy pussy. If your fingers graze a dry bush, go back to the kissing and hugging for awhile. Just make sure you actually dip your finger between the lips. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia and a little fingerial coaxing is all that’s needed to get the honey dripping.
Once you’re sure the beaver is wet, give it a few light, teasing strokes with your finger. There’s nothing worse than rushing into this, so make sure she’s really begging for it before you get under the covers.
Extra tip: Be like Prince and bring up a wet finger that both of you can share like a 1950s milkshake with two straws.
Important: Don’t play your trump card too soon by putting your fingers all the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penetration and kill the tease factor. Try to remember that 78% of a woman’s pleasure is about yearning. Poking it in too soon is sure to put out the fire.
SUBMARINE MISSION FOR YOU, BABY
Once she’s lathered up, it’s time to go down. Get your fingers out of there and don’t touch anything for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of grinding and get some last-minute necking in like you’re going away on vacation.
Though it’s very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your head like the little mole-man that you are, this is a very bad idea. It gets super hot down there and whipping the duvet off your head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is pretty much going to kill the mood.
Start by kissing her boobs and stomach and slowly working your way down. Don’t get carried away with those stupid tits, though. That’s something you should have taken care of before the pants even came off. Right now it’s all about the stomach and inner thighs. A little bit of gentle biting is good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and move towards the muff in a slow, shark-like swoop. Nibble your way right up to the edge of her cunt, then skip across it and head for the other knee. Repeat. Doing this a few times will get her really hot and save you a lot of pussy-eating time in the long run.
When you’re just about ready to do the deed, start practicing on that weird crevice next to the lips. Don’t spend too long there or she might start to think that you think that’s the actual cunt.
By now she should be dying for you to make your move. If you’re doing it right, she’ll be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs. Stretch this phase out until she looks like she’s been holding her breath for three days.
Extra trick: Hover over the bush for about five seconds before the first lick. If you wait longer than that, she might think you’re having second thoughts because it smells bad. Of course, we all knows that motherfucker smells sweeter than a bowl of steamin’ craw-daddies.
Important: Never bite the cunt in any way whatsoever. If this needs more explaining you should probably just stick to jerking off.
PARTING THE RED SEAS
Isolate your playing field. Pubic hairs are to eating pussy what cavities are to dental hygiene. You’re never going to be able to identify all the parts if she looks like that PIL album That What is Not. One hot trick is to get her to spread her lips apart so her pussy is all set up for you like a great big buffet.
THE GRAND ENTRANCE
Do your first lick super slow. It’s good to groan and moan too. It shows you’re digging it while sending microscopic audiophonic vibrations right up her snapper. Start just above the anus and take it all the way to the fur. Do about a dozen of these “St. Bernard licks” before moving on (take it really slow, like four seconds per lick). This is a good time to figure out what kind of clit she has. If it’s real sensitive she’ll probably convulse as you pass over it and that means you’re probably in for an easy ride. If there’s no reaction when you graze over her clit, she probably has one of those nerveless little pea clits and you’re in for a thirty-minute session of tongue-tendinitis.
ROCK THE BOAT
Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fag. If you’re getting tired of being ballerina boy, take it out on the clit. Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her uncomfortable and show the little bastard who’s boss.
After all, Mr. Elusive is precisely what makes muff diving so difficult. He’s surrounded by labia and, even after you find him, all the pressure can pop him over to the side. All of a sudden you’re giving the pee hole the seeing to of its life. Think of the clit like a tumor in a pile of ear lobes. When you push down on the area he’s the only one that can’t be squished. Once one of your tongue troopers finds him, call for reinforcements. Use your lips to get hers out of the way and focus all your attention into getting him alone. Once you find him, give him a bit of a hard time for trying to hide from you. Frisk him and give him a couple of whacks across the head. More on this punk and his bad attitude later.
Extra important tip: The best way to stimulate the clit is to run your entire tongue over it after you isolate it from the lips. The man in the boat should feel the texture of the entire tongue pushing down on his body and his boat.
IDENTIFYING THE CLIT TYPE
After the slow licks it’s time to get this party started. There are essentially two types of clitori. Ones that enjoy a serious going over and ones that don’t. The latter suck about as much as a one-inch penis and you should dump her right away.
Extra tip: Clits come in all shapes, sizes and sensitivities, but that doesn’t really tell you much. All of them want to be treated slow and soft at the beginning but the only way to tell if you can go fast at the end is by reading her reactions. This is impossible to teach but just do the best you can. All we can tell you is convulsing means take it ease and “Oh my God” means bring it on.
CLITS THAT NEED A SERIOUS GOING OVER
These are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is the bad cop and the clit is the guy who killed your partner. Separate him from his buddies (the lips) and suck him right up into your mouth. Now he’s on your turf. Keep him erect by creating an air-tight vacuum chamber in your mouth. Slap the little bugger upside the head with one big tongue bonk. He’s not going to tell you shit because he’s a clit and he has no idea what you’re talking about, but kick his ass anyway. After a few teasers and swirling circles, rat-a-tat-tat him senseless like a boxer whacking a speed bag. If she starts freaking out like it’s too much, ease up on the interrogation and go back to the St. Bernard licks. The vacuum is a great way to bring her to orgasm, but it’s a bit much sometimes, so mix things up with some circles around the clit and some tongue fucking.
As you’re closing in for the kill, go back to the vacuum and give the suspect a relentless head smacking. Up-and-downies are usually the most effective, but your tongue will get less tired if you throw in a few side-to-sides. When you feel the inner thighs start to shake, this is it. Be repetitive. Do NOT be creative. You’re almost home and this is not the time to start changing tactics.
Extra tip: To keep the rhythm going, try repeating a chant in your head that goes with the movement of your tongue like a Mic Mac Indian (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistent action may throw her off, killing the mood or at least setting you back a few minutes, which is bad for morale.
Important: Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember, it isn’t over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If she’s multi-orgasmic you’ll have to keep going until you’ve done the whole routine another four or five times. If you’re not sure what to do, just keep giving her shit until the magic hands come down to pull you off.
CLITS THAT DON’T
Some clits don’t want to be singled out and battered around. These are the boring ones that need to be treated with gentle care. Just do casual St. Bernard licks until she cums, pure and simple. If you’re getting bored try going in some different directions for a while. A good way to keep it random is to spell out different letters of the alphabet with the tip of your tongue. You could be looking at half an hour here pal, and that can be problematic. If you go for that long and she doesn’t cum, you’re going to be in a foul mood, so if it’s too much work, move on. On the bright side, going for thirty minutes is something few people have the patience for, so sticking it out will lead to some payback when period week comes around.
THE CONCLUSION
Once you’re done (totally finished) she’s going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure you don’t move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate. You now have a good minute to get the condom on and take her from the quarters of Prince Muhammad Muhammad Saddat to the cockpit of an F-15.
[Rich cocks a defiant eyebrow.]
Rich:
Now.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
And don’t you dare think that you can ever goad Rich mother-effin’ Mahogany into doing something outside of exactly what he has said that he would do, jerky.
[With a final, knowing grin, Rich’s face is replaced by a black screen.]
[Replay?]
[Share?]