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AGGRESSION 62: Rezin vs. "The Viking Violator" Olvir Arsvinnar

RStrawsma

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Don't Fight It

(On a black screen, we’re greeted by a single voice.)

Rezin
There’s no point in fighting it, Empire. We’re already dead.

(CUE UP: “Before We Dreamed of Two” by YOB.)


(As we fade in from black, a pair of tarry hands open up a set of cabinet doors, revealing a cache of random junk inside. With somewhat desperate tenacity, the hands begin searching through the various knick-knacks, broken electronics, paper weights, and empty pens...)

Rezin
I’ve wasted years of my small and insignificant life resisting fighting it, and vainly searched this small and insignificant world for an answer. But did I ever find one?

(After a moment, the hands pull out a red glass bowl. The seeker holds it up for a moment as if to examine it under the light, and he carries it away.)

Rezin
F*ck no. All I found were relics of the past... once considered the marvels of the present. All I found was an endless cycle of out with the old and in with the new.

(The same bowl is set on a fine piece of cloth and covered up.)

Rezin
Nothing ever truly changes... a fact constantly hidden beneath the veil of the annoyingly cliched mantra of “Live for right NOW.” Anybody who ever says that is a f*cking idiot.

(The hands disappear, but return soon after... bringing a mallet slamming down upon the covered glass device. The sound of the glass being smashed can be heard.)

Rezin
Because when reality inevitably comes crashing down, and you all realize that the “now” you so adoringly cherish is just tomorrow’s hazy memory, don’t expect to come b*tching to ME about how nobody remembers.

(As the cloth is pulled away, the once precious smoking device is in pieces... the inside, caked in half an inch of black stuff.)

Rezin
You’ll all be saying, “Aw, sh*t, Erik, my dreams are SHATTERED, and you totally saw that coming! You saw the black truth underneath it all! You anticipated the day I would become obsolete and forgotten, and now it’s happened! I should have listened to you, man!”

(A pair of tweezers hone in and pick up a large triangular piece. It’s held up in the light, and the camera focuses past it to see a warped reddish eye on the other side of magnifying glass.)

Rezin
You’ll all say, “Who were we to ever DOUBT you, Rezin? You, who keeps an ever-vigilant eye on Empire Pro... you who sees EVERYTHING from all possible angles!”

(The camera zooms out, revealing the man at work to be none other than the dastardly REZIN that has seemingly overtaken the body and mind of EPW wrestling mainstay Erik Black.)

Rezin
Then I’ll tell each and every one of you “I told you so”, and promptly roundhouse kick your punk asses out the f*cking window for having the audacity to call me by my government name.

(The next shot sees Rezin dumping the broken pieces of glass, and many others, into a steaming vat of boiling black liquid. Noxious fumes rise from the surface.)

Rezin
Olvir, buddy ol’ pal... we met some years back in Las Vegas while I was an office stooge for a worthless indie league, and you were just some heathen thawed out of an ice cube, still fresh with the reeking stench of mead and poontang. You broke down many walls... both literally and metaphorically... and even I’ll admit, I laughed along with everybody else as the Viking pornstar picked up random girls out of the crowd and carried them off to the locker room. Forced anal rape was never so hilarious until you hit this sport.

(The camera pulls back to reveal a large interconnected apparatus made up of various vats, pots, tubes, and beakers. It looks like the chemistry set from hell. The haggard Rezin wears a rubber apron, thick gloves, and thick goggles as he works a blowtorch on one part of his set up and checks a temperature gauge on another. He looks liked a crazed alchemist whose zeal for finding gold has turned him into a shell of a human being.)

Rezin
All the same... you never became anything more than the Viking pornstar that made you famous. What you inevitably became, Olvir, was little more than a running joke. Night after night, we’d watch you run down to the ring, swing your axe around, pump your pythons, and take some whore back for buttsex... and you beat the horse so hard, you may as well sold it to a Korean restaurant for a quick fifty bucks.

(In the next shot, Rezin hovers over a massive cooling unit taking up half of his workbench. A shrill buzzer sounds, and with bizarre enthusiasm, he quickly unscrews the locks and lifts up the top compartment.)

Rezin
Sure, it got you far in Las Vegas, even though you never actually won the title... and yeah, you made bank in TEAM, even though you never actually won a single tournament. But by the time you got here to Empire Pro? The joke had run its course, and the laughs ran dry. The same could be said of your once vaunted “dominance” in the ring.

(Within rests the fruits of his labor -- a perfectly spherical ball of condensed black resin, approximately the size of a baseball. He raises the goggles from his eyes and a devlish smile crosses his face as he gazes upon his masterpiece.)

Rezin
I don’t like having to be the one to tell you this, Olvir. After all, you and I have been through a lot together... and you’ve always been a good friend. But even so, the truth can’t be denied.

(Using his ungloved hands, Rezin lifts the resin ball out of the device and puts it into a bong slide custom built to carry something of its size. Where his fingers touched the lump, black stains are left behind, thick as midnight-colored blood. The slide is put into a new and improved “Anti-Geezer” -- the once prized water pipe now bears a crafted metal skull covering the base.)

Rezin
Your time is over and done... by about a thousand years, to be exact. In today’s contemporary professional wrestling industry, you’re merely a shade of your former glory. And every day that passes where you continue f*cking about and act like you’re still as awesome and badass as you once were, my heart breaks, because the only thing you’re REALLY doing is humiliating yourself.

(Rezin fires up the blowtorch and brings the blue flame down to the node of thick tar. Even under the extreme heat, it barely shows bubbles, but nevertheless creates a thick, blue smoke that gets sucked into the bong.)

Rezin
That’s why I’m asking you to let me do you this one favor, Olvir: DON’T FIGHT IT. Don’t resist my heart-felt attempt to sympathetically put you down. Don’t resist these sticky fingers and they slip into your maw, and overwhelming pain fills your entire body. Just submit to the black as it overcomes you, and let it all be over and done with. Let your short and illustrious career as berzerker, lover, and professional wrestler speak for itself, and allow the people who once cheered for you to cherish the memory, rather than pretend to not know the worthless sack of sh*t you’ve become.

(Rezin takes in the vile and disgusting hit with no real pleasure, and as he releases a large, toxic cloud into the air, a violent storm of coughs quickly follows. Nevertheless, as he recomposes himself and clears his throat, he looks rather satisfied. A black high sets in and his eyes grow slightly distant...)

Rezin
Because if you DO fight me, Olvir... then I’ll be sure people won’t remember you for the good times. All they WILL remember is how badly I f*cked you up beyond recognition.

(Rezin settles his dark gaze on the camera. There are evil intentions flickering in his reddened eyes.)

Rezin
Think about it, big man. Weigh your choices. Sacrifice a goat to Odin, if it makes you feel better. For once in your life, don’t do the predictable thing and just come into that ring looking for “revenge”, because you won’t have it. It doesn’t matter who goes first, Olvir, because in the end, we’re all the same.

(Cut to black.)

Rezin
We’re all DEAD.
 

RStrawsma

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Joined
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Messages
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Age
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Pokey for Loki

(We open up on black, heralded by the sound of thunder and heavy-falling rain.)

VALHALLA PRODUCTION COMPANY
Presents

(The shot opens up outside the heavy wooden doors to Arsvinnar’s Nordic longshouse of debauchery in Las Vegas. Does it rain this much out in the desert? Oh well, nevermind, it does today.)

OLVIR ARSVINNAR
In

(Your friend and mine -- KENNY LOMBARDO -- hurries into the shot, drenched by the weather. Desperate to get out of the rain, he knocks on the door. A moment later, they slowly swing open and permit the reporter entrance. Kenny enters the silent longhouse, and as the sound of the literal storm is left behind him, the sounds of a brewing verbal storm are coming from just ahead.)

POKEY FOR LOKI

(Kenny flashes the camera a confused look as he gingerly makes his way to the back of the longhouse, part mead hall and part studio. Near the back of the room, it appears a shoot featuring the notorious Viking Violator is underway, but based on the way the crew is standing around, it could be assumed that it’s being delayed.)

(A trio of ladies await some good ol’ fashioned butt-pounding on the Norseman’s bearskin, but OLVIR ARSVINNAR is currently pacing impatiently back and forth as his famed director, TOMMY SALAMI, is raving about his integrity and time spent in the business. A throng of onlookers are on hand to witness the verbal spat, and among them, the EPW reporter finds Olvir’s favored Viking dwarf, Stumpy.)


Kenny Lombardo
Hey, Stumpy... what did I just walk into?

Stumpy
Oh, hey... not much. An “artistic disagreement”, I guess you could say. Mr. Salami came in today to let Olvir know he’s a film or two behind on his contract requirements... but the Boss says he’s not in the mood.

Kenny Lombardo
Not in the MOOD?

(Kenny double-takes the chicks on the bearskin. Are they hot? Oh yeah, he’d run a train on that.)

Kenny Lombardo
Wow...

Stumpy
I know, right?

Kenny Lombardo
I better get to the bottom of this...

Stumpy
Good luck, bro.

(Kenny passes by the cameras and joins Olvir on the set while Salami is in the middle of blubbering about his acclaimed and honored past in the prestigious industry that is pornography. Arsvinnar, who may have been ignoring the director the entire time, lightens up as he sees the reporter draw near.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
HAIL, Kenny of the Lumber-Dough!

Kenny Lombardo
Hi, Olvir. Everything groovy here?

Olvir Arsvinnar
BAH... this foolish and fat SAUSAGE-BEATER believes he can barge into the home of the GREAT OLVIR and start making demands!

(Realizing he’s being snubbed, Salami barges in on the conversation.)

Tommy Salami
“SAUSAGE-BEATER?!” Hey, man, my sausage took a HELL of beating for your sake! Did you suddenly forget just WHO made you famous?

Olvir Arsvinnar
The memory of the Great Olvir is INFALLIBLE, greasy swine, and take heed that you not FORGET IT again! But while I would most ENJOY the act of sharing my GREATNESS with these three fine wenches, I cannot undergo any domination of the SUPPLE ARSE without my BROTHER IN ARMS!!

Tommy Salami
What, you mean the Ruskie? Come on, the tag team thing was just a fad... and wheelchairs never went over well in smut. Let’s just get back to formula and start making some money again.

Olvir Arsvinnar
IMPOSSIBLE!! I REFUSE to take solace until I find VENGEANCE upon the damned knave who calls himself REZIN!!

(The rotuned porn director shakes his head in frustration, causing part of his sleazy comb-over to lift off his dome-like head and hover in the air like a cowlick.)

Tommy Salami
Damnit, I KNEW this wrestling nonsense was just going end up being a waste of our time...

Olvir Arsvinnar
“NONSENSE”?! Fallacious flabby FOOL!! The Great Olvir will ALWAYS be a warrior before he is a LOVER!!

(Salami turns red in the face, and for a moment, he looks like a zit about to pop. The argument is suddenly interrupted by a raspy voice calling out from off-camera.)

“A black wind howls across the fields... and the storm of death brews over the horizon.”

(The people in the room collectively look over to the corner and the camera follows them. Standing there is a withered old woman dressed in rags. Her eyes are wide and filled with visions of damned prophecies.)

Crazy Old Lady
The time draws NEAR, Olvir the Damned... and when the black clouds of doom surround you, not even the Gods themselves will be able to save your fate! The gloomy land of Hel awaits you, forsaken Viking! Make peace while you STILL CAN!

(Before she can say more, she’s taken off her feet as one of Olvir’s dwarf drones is launched like a discus into her mid-section. The camera sweeps back to the Viking as he nabs another midget and throws a second volley.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
UNCOUTH DOOMSAYER!! Take the POISON that seeps from your sagged, wrinkly TEATS from this place at once!

Kenny Lombardo
Uhh... who was that?

Olvir Arsvinnar
BAH... some foolish wench! All week, she’s been spouting such nonsense, much to my great annoyance!

(Tommy Salami draws close to the Viking and puts a consoling hand on his mighty shoulder, trying a different approach.)

Tommy Salami
Look, big guy... we know you’re all stressed because of what happened to your friend... but you can’t let it get to your head! Just take your mind off things by having a little fun with these smokin’ babes I paid for!

Olvir Arsvinnar
NAY!!

(Arsvinnar shakes his hand off and waves a massive arm toward the door, nearly taking Lombardo’s head off.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
In fact, YOU may take your leave as well!

Tommy Salami
Olvir, baby, CALM DOWN and listen to me...

Olvir Arsvinnar
GET OUT!! ALL OF YOU!! OUT!! LEAVE THE HOUSE OF ARSVINNAR!!

(Everybody lingers for a moment in shock, until Olvir starts punting midgets and knocking cameras over left and right, showing he really means business. The girls on the bearskin shriek and flee. The midget Vikings scatter. The members of the film crew hastily grab their equipment and make for the door. Tommy Salami and Kenny Lombardo take refuge behind Olvir’s mighty throne... until it as well is lifted up and thrown across the room.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
OUT!! OUT!! OUT!! There will be NO MORE righteous domination of the ARSES until the Great Olvir slakes his thirst for VICTORY once more!

(The whole tirade lasts only a few moments, but finally, the chamber is empty of everyone except for a meek Kenny Lombardo and a fuming Tommy Salami.)

Tommy Salami
I’m telling you, Olvir... if you follow through on this, then you’re FINISHED in the porn game!

Olvir Arsvinnar
The Great Olvir cares NOT for these silly games, Salami-Smacker! Now LEAVE THIS PLACE lest I BEHEAD YOU!!

Tommy Salami
Fine... but mark my words, Olvir, you’re going to regret this!

(Huffing and puffing, the porn director takes his leave of the longhouse and from Olvir’s life altogether. Arsvinnar stands tall in the place where his throne once sat, gazing over the emptiness of his mead hall. Then he hears the feint footsteps of Kenny Lombardo, trying to sneak out the back.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
NOT YOU, Lumber-Dough! You will stay a moment longer... because the Great Olvir must let the WORLD hear his might words!

(Lombardo gingerly returns to the Viking to continue the interview, afraid of the possibility of his head being ripped off if he so much as asks the wrong question.)

Kenny Lombardo
Wow, Olvir... this is all rather surprising. Are you saying you’re done with the pornstar life for good?

Olvir Arsvinnar
INDEED, Kenny! Though it pains my great heart to deny so many fine maidens the GLORY of my endowed loins, it has nevertheless proven to be a DISTRACTION in my conquest of professional wrestling!

Kenny Lombardo
What caused you to suddenly realize this?

(Olvir audibly growls.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
So that KNAVE Rezin finds me predictable? He has the AUDACITY to call me -- THE GREAT OLVIR -- a mere JOKE?!

(Olvir rips off his purple pornstar robe with gold trim and rips it in half before tossing the shredded remains aside. Underneath, he’s in the classic Viking get-up that he wears to the ring.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
Well how is THIS for predictable, Kenny? Do you see the Great Olvir wasting his time and glory “f*cking about” and beating these imaginary horses?!

Kenny Lombardo
Well, no... not quite. In fact, I’d say you look more focused than you have in YEARS. You always seemed so content with where you were in the professional wrestling industry, as long as you had a full horn of mead and a hot piece of ass on your lap at the end of every night. But the recent actions and comments made by the newly revealed Rezin have apparently set something off.

Olvir Arsvinnar
He is a COWARD and HEATHEN... but nevertheless, there is a BLACK and VILE TRUTH to his blasphemies! It is INEXCUSABLE that my GREATNESS as a grappler has gone unrewarded for so long!

At one time, “the Butt-Dominator” was once the GREATEST and MOST RENOWN warriors to grace the arena! But where has that time gone, Kenny of the Lumber-Dough? Wasted in the FOUL TAINTS of mere whores... LOST in pointless festivities and celebrations of debauchery... all the while ignoring my own failures!

I will stand for it NO LONGER, Kenny! It is time I REMIND this world of the DOMINANCE of the Viking Way!

Kenny Lombardo
That’s great to hear, Olvir! A man of your size and strength could really go far if properly motivated! But tell me... you just said there was some truth to Rezin’s comments made earlier in the week. Do you think, then, there is any truth to his threats? Do you think, maybe, he’s letting your rage lead you right into his trap?

(Olvir grumbles aside to himself. Perhaps he’s been listening to the doomsayer more than he’s proud to admit.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
It matters NOT what becomes of the Great Olvir! Should I fall in battle, then all that WILL matter is that I fall AS A VIKING, so that I may join my ancient comrades in the halls of Valhalla to prepare for the glorious battle of Ragnarok!

Kenny Lombardo
So when Rezin advises you to not fight, you say bollocks to that?

Olvir Arsvinnar
INDEED!! Even in the FACE OF DEATH, a Viking FIGHTS to the bitter end! Valhalla does not accept submissive cowards who live to fight another day... they seek COURAGEOUS WARRIORS who are willing to give their lives for the cause of RIGHTEOUSNESS and NOBILITY!

The horrid Rezin does not realize this, because he knows NOTHING of these virtues! He would indeed rather see me step to the side and allow him to continue his foolish path of destruction, because it makes his cause EASIER to pursue! But I will not allow him to enjoy such comfort! If he intends to DESTROY this Empire, then he must DESTROY the savage and unstoppable FURY of the GREAT OLVIR first!

And should the knave FAIL, then I will SPLIT his puny brainpan in TWAIN, therefore releasing the DEMONS that plague his poor mind! Vengeance will be HAD for my brother Ivan, and my friend Erik the Black will be FREE of his nightmarish posessor!

Kenny Lombardo
He’d probably be free of some of the more advancing functions of his brain, too, if what you’re saying is serious. Still, I’m sure many would like to see Rezin’s mission of destruction and doom fail before it finds any form of success. No doubt, you’ll have many people in the EPW locker room supporting you in your cause... and I guess you have my support as well, Olvir.

Olvir Arsvinnar
This is good to hear, Kenny... but nevertheless, token support will not help the Great Olvir as the time comes for battle! Only my FURY and DOMINANCE can stop the vile Goat Bastard at this point!

Kenny Lombardo
In that case, good luck to you at Aggression 62... and whatever the outcome, I do hope we’ll be seeing more of the freshly motivated “Viking Violator” in the weeks that follow.

Olvir Arsvinnar
As do I, Kenny of the Lumber-Dough... but I must now ask you to take your leave as well! A great period of meditation must follow in the coming days as I prepare my mind and body for battle!

Kenny Lombardo
Understood. See you later, Olvir.

(The reporter turns and leaves the scene. Olvir Arsvinnar is left alone in his dormant mead hall, gazing silently upon his home and his prized possessions. Soon after, we fade to black... then to three old guys rocking out in a bar.)

(CUE UP: “RangaRock” by the Hedons.)

 

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