AGGRESSION 62: TAG TITLES: Animezing Dragons (cc) vs. TEAM Viagra vs. The First/Burns
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The Great Eye
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(FADEIN: The First and Eddie Burns standing at the steps on Front Street. Eddie in a black coat and blue jeans, Bruins cap. First with his face painted in the Kefka motif, in all black. “Shallow Grave” by The Birthday Massacre plays in the background.)
BURNS: Look man, to hell with this morality bullsh*t. We need to win these tag belts. Mistakes happened in the match with Impulse, but I proved a point.
FIRST: What point is that?
BURNS: That if you just let me do what I want, we can win…I had your friggin’ hero, the greatest wrestler in the world laying in a pool of blood and had the 1-2-3 before you got all pious and decided that you couldn’t accept a win that required going above and beyond the rules.
FIRST: You know what a cautionary tale is Eddie? It’s something you should listen to…High Flyer was talking one day about how chasing titles, becoming so absorbed in winning and being champion that he lost his wife, that his life outside the ring became a nightmare…I thought he was just some babbling fool, and that I knew chasing titles and being a champion WAS what mattered and he didn’t get it…Then I found myself with a wife who’d had a child with another man…And I lost her…And he was right…
But I just couldn’t listen and see what he was saying was the truth…
So you might not want to hear this Eddie, but it’s the truth…Is that you’re selling yourself out when you do these things…You think it’s just one little shot with a bell, then you do it again and again and then it doesn’t work anymore because you’re leaning on it like a crutch, and then that crutch gets kicked out from under you…Then what do you have? What did you stand for? A bunch of wins nobody respects, a legacy of shame…
And then the real fun happens when you start getting into alliances and cutting deals with people, cause if weapons didn’t get it done for you, well then maybe a run-in or two will…And then that all turns to sh*t and then you’re left pointing fingers at each other and the blame game…And next think you know the only thing standing between you and your career being over is EPW security getting in the path of Stalker as he’s about to jump on your leg and shatter it.
BURNS: So you had a few bumps in the road…If you had your head in the game against Anarky odds are you would still be World Champion now…Look man, we can take Karl Brown and Otaku, we can handle Flyer and Davis…You let me do what needs to be done and we’re tag champs for as long as we want to be.
FIRST: That’s how you want to be a champion? By cheating?
BURNS: By doing what it takes to win! That’s what I’m trying to do. I’m trying to win matches here.
FIRST: And you can’t do that straight up? You’re not good enough to win on the merits?
(Silence)
BURNS: What do you want me to say? I can’t hang with High Flyer?! OK…I CAN’T HANG WITH HIGH FLYER! Karl Brown would tie me in knots if we fought straight up! I can’t deal with these people on a level playing field, I, Eddie Burns, suck at wrestling! Is that what you want to hear? Does that make you happy?!
FIRST: No, I want to know what you’re thinking and why you think just cracking people’s skulls with ring bells is some magic tonic that’s going to make you a winner, make you better at this sport…
BURNS: The fact that it worked, the fact that I did it and I had the match won…You did see that right? Impulse was beaten, if you hadn’t pulled me off of him, I’d have debuted in EPW with a win in the main event.
FIRST: And what kind of win is that? You remember that sick counter you had on the Sudden Impact? You remember fighting tooth and nail in that ring and giving as good as you got? You remember any of it? Or was it all about the cheating? Where’s the cocky guy I knew before that match? The guy who needed Impulse to show him how good he was before he’d buy into the hype?
BURNS: Look don’t give me this sh*t about morals and right and wrong, this industry is built on getting whatever you can however you can. How did our match end? With Stalker kicking everyone’s ass and getting himself a match with Dan Ryan for a title shot! How did the match before that end? With Dis laying out everyone! Rich Mahogany is the biggest cheat alive in this company and he’s racking up wins left and right and he sure as hell doesn’t toss and turn at night worried that he’s made your heart hurt over his actions. I want a belt, and I know I have the ability if I’m left to my own devices to get that belt.
FIRST: You really want to go down this road?
BURNS: Hell yes I do, I’d rather be hated and a champion then loved and a loser…I want those belts, Karl Brown and Otaku, Team VIAGRA…They stand in the way so they have to be wiped out, they have to be destroyed no matter what, I don’t care the price.
FIRST: You say that now…You have no idea where this path will take you…
BURNS: It’ll take me where I want to go…And deep down…It’s where you want to be too…You know you should be Champion still…We get these tag belts…It moves you closer to the dream of us at WrestleVerse…
FIRST: More like the nightmare of us, two monsters twisted by our own greed tearing each other apart for fleeting glory and hallow victories…
BURNS: Oh don’t give me this sh*t harden the f*ck princess and let’s win some gold. Spit some mist, have Muse kick some fools in the dick when they don’t expect it and a few moves later we got the straps, it’s a done deal kid. Don’t bother talking to me, this is settled in my mind.
(Eddie walks away. First shakes his head in disgust)
FIRST: Dammit Eddie…This isn’t how it’s supposed to be…You wanna play this game? Well you’re the fire and all…We’ll see who gets burned.
(FADEOUT)
BURNS: Look man, to hell with this morality bullsh*t. We need to win these tag belts. Mistakes happened in the match with Impulse, but I proved a point.
FIRST: What point is that?
BURNS: That if you just let me do what I want, we can win…I had your friggin’ hero, the greatest wrestler in the world laying in a pool of blood and had the 1-2-3 before you got all pious and decided that you couldn’t accept a win that required going above and beyond the rules.
FIRST: You know what a cautionary tale is Eddie? It’s something you should listen to…High Flyer was talking one day about how chasing titles, becoming so absorbed in winning and being champion that he lost his wife, that his life outside the ring became a nightmare…I thought he was just some babbling fool, and that I knew chasing titles and being a champion WAS what mattered and he didn’t get it…Then I found myself with a wife who’d had a child with another man…And I lost her…And he was right…
But I just couldn’t listen and see what he was saying was the truth…
So you might not want to hear this Eddie, but it’s the truth…Is that you’re selling yourself out when you do these things…You think it’s just one little shot with a bell, then you do it again and again and then it doesn’t work anymore because you’re leaning on it like a crutch, and then that crutch gets kicked out from under you…Then what do you have? What did you stand for? A bunch of wins nobody respects, a legacy of shame…
And then the real fun happens when you start getting into alliances and cutting deals with people, cause if weapons didn’t get it done for you, well then maybe a run-in or two will…And then that all turns to sh*t and then you’re left pointing fingers at each other and the blame game…And next think you know the only thing standing between you and your career being over is EPW security getting in the path of Stalker as he’s about to jump on your leg and shatter it.
BURNS: So you had a few bumps in the road…If you had your head in the game against Anarky odds are you would still be World Champion now…Look man, we can take Karl Brown and Otaku, we can handle Flyer and Davis…You let me do what needs to be done and we’re tag champs for as long as we want to be.
FIRST: That’s how you want to be a champion? By cheating?
BURNS: By doing what it takes to win! That’s what I’m trying to do. I’m trying to win matches here.
FIRST: And you can’t do that straight up? You’re not good enough to win on the merits?
(Silence)
BURNS: What do you want me to say? I can’t hang with High Flyer?! OK…I CAN’T HANG WITH HIGH FLYER! Karl Brown would tie me in knots if we fought straight up! I can’t deal with these people on a level playing field, I, Eddie Burns, suck at wrestling! Is that what you want to hear? Does that make you happy?!
FIRST: No, I want to know what you’re thinking and why you think just cracking people’s skulls with ring bells is some magic tonic that’s going to make you a winner, make you better at this sport…
BURNS: The fact that it worked, the fact that I did it and I had the match won…You did see that right? Impulse was beaten, if you hadn’t pulled me off of him, I’d have debuted in EPW with a win in the main event.
FIRST: And what kind of win is that? You remember that sick counter you had on the Sudden Impact? You remember fighting tooth and nail in that ring and giving as good as you got? You remember any of it? Or was it all about the cheating? Where’s the cocky guy I knew before that match? The guy who needed Impulse to show him how good he was before he’d buy into the hype?
BURNS: Look don’t give me this sh*t about morals and right and wrong, this industry is built on getting whatever you can however you can. How did our match end? With Stalker kicking everyone’s ass and getting himself a match with Dan Ryan for a title shot! How did the match before that end? With Dis laying out everyone! Rich Mahogany is the biggest cheat alive in this company and he’s racking up wins left and right and he sure as hell doesn’t toss and turn at night worried that he’s made your heart hurt over his actions. I want a belt, and I know I have the ability if I’m left to my own devices to get that belt.
FIRST: You really want to go down this road?
BURNS: Hell yes I do, I’d rather be hated and a champion then loved and a loser…I want those belts, Karl Brown and Otaku, Team VIAGRA…They stand in the way so they have to be wiped out, they have to be destroyed no matter what, I don’t care the price.
FIRST: You say that now…You have no idea where this path will take you…
BURNS: It’ll take me where I want to go…And deep down…It’s where you want to be too…You know you should be Champion still…We get these tag belts…It moves you closer to the dream of us at WrestleVerse…
FIRST: More like the nightmare of us, two monsters twisted by our own greed tearing each other apart for fleeting glory and hallow victories…
BURNS: Oh don’t give me this sh*t harden the f*ck princess and let’s win some gold. Spit some mist, have Muse kick some fools in the dick when they don’t expect it and a few moves later we got the straps, it’s a done deal kid. Don’t bother talking to me, this is settled in my mind.
(Eddie walks away. First shakes his head in disgust)
FIRST: Dammit Eddie…This isn’t how it’s supposed to be…You wanna play this game? Well you’re the fire and all…We’ll see who gets burned.
(FADEOUT)
EpyonMarx
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[FADE IN to Otaku playing the new Elder Scrolls game. He’s got his cell phone resting on his shoulder and he’s carrying on a conversation as he plays]
Otaku: Yeah, that was a cool show, but come on! Setsuna is a poor Heero Yuy! Oh how can you even say that, Heero’s the best lead in all of the Gundam series! Serious… hold on, I’ve got another call.
Otaku here! Konnichi… HEY! Dragon-domo! How’re you doing? I’m just kickin’ back, playing some video… wait… waitwaitwaithwhat?! It’s Sunday!!?! It can’t be, I’ve only been playing for…
[checks the date on his cell]
Otaku: HOLY CRAP!! Sorry, Dragon-domo, I’ll be there ASAP!!
[He pauses the game, pretty much throwing his cell phone into a nearby bag, grabbing the bag one-handed and dashing through the door. The camera PANS to the TV as a message fades into screen]
Elder Scrolls V – Skyrim. In Stores Now. This placement paid for by Bethesda Softworks and granted by Dan Ryan and Empire Pro Wrestling.
[CUTTO: A gym, with Brown working out on an elliptical edge. He’s dressed as you’d expect from someone working out, while Otaku, a little dishevelled, has gone for a Heero Yuy costume. Which in itself is dishevelled. He’s looking at the booking sheet for the upcoming Aggression]
Otaku: OK, so, erm… First-san, Burns-san, and Team V.I.A.G.R.A… who did we annoy, Dragon-domo? I can’t see us anywhere.
Karl: We’re facing First, Burns and Team V.I.A.G.R.A.
Otaku: You mean they still think the team name’s a plural?
Karl: Yup.
Otaku: Maaan. After I went to all the trouble of thinking up such animezing name. Note to self. Target OZ headquarters and get Trowa to launch a missile barrage.
Karl: [with a shake of the head] How will targeting something in a cartoon show fix what you perceive to be a problem with the fact that the people who printed that sheet added an S to the end of the team name you came up with?
Otaku: [shrugging] Because.
Karl: OK. Anyway, have you got any thoughts on the title defence?
Otaku: Err… nope. Not really.
Karl: You’ve not been paying attention, have you?
Otaku: It’s just so booooring! I mean, sure, winning the titles was a huge kick, but Team V/I/A.G.R.A again?! And why did First-san and Burns-san get a title match in only their second match? We had to wait til our third!
Karl: We waited that long because we had to win a tournament first, and the front office books who it wants in title matches. Why do you think I kept having to beat Steven Shane all those years ago?
Otaku: Oh yeah… well I still think it’s not fair!
Karl: That’s professional wrestling. You take what’s put in front of you, wrestle one match at a time, and come back the next night and do it all again.
Otaku: Well, do you have any thoughts on them?
Karl: No, but then again I don’t mind who’s put up against us. I’d be more worried if we were given the night off.
Otaku: Why?
Karl: Because Dan only gives people the night off for one of two reasons. Either they’re hurt, which neither of us are, or he’s pissed off with you and doesn’t even want to try and humiliate you that night, like he’s done with Stalker.
Otaku: So that’s what that’s about? I was beginning to wonder.
Karl: And let’s be honest. It’s not as if there’s much we can do that’s going to sway the end result before the bell. I’m not judged on having an opinion on who I’m facing, I’m judged on results at the end of the night.
Otaku: Yeah but they’ve been less than great! We lost last time!
Karl: Losses happen.
Otaku: You know, Dragon-domo, you can be a real downer sometimes. I mean, you’re meant ta be all “I’m gonna win, get back on that horse!” But you just take it in stride and keep going.
Karl: Maybe that’s why I’m still around after an awful come back? [he laughs] No, it’s that I’m realistic.
Otaku: I just don’t want us ta be losing and losing… you know.
Karl: I know. But if we lose the titles, it gives us an incentive to keep going so we win them back.
Otaku: [shocked] Who wouldn’t want to win back the title?!
Karl: For some people a loss is a hard thing to take. Look back a few years – Eric Davies threw a temper tantrum after a loss, and I’ve known people get despondent after a hard-fought loss. It can take them a while to get their heads on straight. I’m convinced that’s what’s happened to quite a few former champions around here.
Otaku: Like?
Karl: I’m not naming names. I do bits in radio still, remember?
Otaku: And?
Karl: Britain has tighter defamation laws than the US.
Otaku: Ah.
[The cosplay fanatic walks past the elliptical edge, looking out of the window]
Otaku: So, uh, Dragon-domo… aren’t you even a little worried about Aggression? About what Burns-san’s willing to do?
Karl: If I’m honest [he says, getting off the elliptical edge and moving straight onto a bench press machine, doing 2 sets of 12 with long, slow, deliberate movements] I haven’t even taken the time out to watch him yet. Maybe that’s where I’ve been going wrong. What’s he been saying?
Otaku: That he’ll do whatever it takes to win.
Karl: If I had tupence for every time I’ve heard that, I’d be totally poor because tupenny bits haven’t been legal tender in years.
Otaku: Wait, wha’?
Karl: British humour.
Otaku: I’m never gonna get that.
Karl: Probably not. But don’t pay attention to him. Some people are so starved for attention or they’re so wrapped up in their little rose-coloured veneers that they have to do whatever it takes to win. In the rules or not. The problem they have is when the come against someone who’s better than them without breaking the rules, beats them cleanly time after time after time, they start to break down and get more desperate, making more mistakes. In the end for them they chase the butterfly so far they run off the edge of the cliff into the Straits of Dover.
Otaku: … you sure you’ve not been smoking with Black-san?
Karl: Trust me. Nice enough guy, not someone I mix with when I don’t have to. [Brown moves on to a leg weight exercise] You going to train or not?
Otaku: I dunno. I should. But Burns-san’s kinda… I dunno. Angry.
Karl: So was Stalker. So was Shane. So were the Colossal Connection. Listen, you need to get remember something, because it’s frustrating telling you the same thing time after time. Whoever you’re up against is out to beat you. Aggression is part of the business, not just the name of the show. Thankfully most of the people with that kind of aggression are about as ferocious as a playful kitten compared to how they portray themselves. If you want to believe their hype, go ahead, but until one of them actually puts me out of action for a while, I’ll ignore their words and trust what they show me.
Otaku: OK. I guess First-san’s different at least.
[“The Dragon” just shakes his head, finishing his set and moving onto a lateral pull-down machine. Otaku slinks over to a treadmill, starting it up. The two train in silence for a few seconds before Otaku speaks again]
Otaku: You know something? I couldn’t’ve asked for a better partner. You honestly don’t care about what others think, you accept people for who they are, and I know you’re gonna help get the titles back if we ever lose them.
Karl: Naturally. What, you think I’m going to run away and chase something else?
Otaku: That’s not what I mean. I mean you’ll be there to beat the crap out of Burns-san and First-san and Team V.I.A.G.R.A and whoever else is there and you won’t make a fuss about it! And you’re moral without ramming it down people’s throats. You’re like… Milliardo Peacecraft, only real and cooler.
Karl: Thanks. I think. Anyway, I just don’t think you can change people who don’t want to be changed. You can only point them in a direction. Try to force someone and you’ll meet resistance. The stubborn oak breaks in the gale, but the flexible willow bends, and all that pseudo-philosophical nonsense.
Otaku: Hey! It was a wise man who said that!
Karl: Thanks.
Otaku: Huh?! [as he turns his head, he forgets he’s on the treadmill and slips off the back, landing in a heap]
Karl: A wise man also said watch where you’re going, and what time’re you going for lunch?
Otaku: Fibber [Getting to his feet]
Karl: Not everything a wise man says has to be profound.
Otaku: They do! Just ask First-san! Wise men are always wise, that’s why they’re wise. Or something.
Karl: Whatever you say. [he says, moving onto the rowing machine. Otaku dusts himself off, getting back on the treadmill. FADE]
Voice: Next time, on Animezing Dragon… that’s Dragon, singular. Not plural. Have a cookie.
The cookie is now diamonds.
Otaku: Hey Dragonites and Cosplay Fans! Otaku here! Next time on Animezing Dragon it’s another toughie, as Dragon-domo and I find ourselves trapped in the clutches of the evil Fire Atronach! And even if we escape, we’ve still got to defeat his Master! Will we survive and bring back the treasure in time to save the kingdom? Only one way to find out!
Next time, on Animezing Dragon – Out of the Frying Pan… and into the Saucer?
Karl: You’re nuts.
[FADE OUT]
Otaku: Yeah, that was a cool show, but come on! Setsuna is a poor Heero Yuy! Oh how can you even say that, Heero’s the best lead in all of the Gundam series! Serious… hold on, I’ve got another call.
Otaku here! Konnichi… HEY! Dragon-domo! How’re you doing? I’m just kickin’ back, playing some video… wait… waitwaitwaithwhat?! It’s Sunday!!?! It can’t be, I’ve only been playing for…
[checks the date on his cell]
Otaku: HOLY CRAP!! Sorry, Dragon-domo, I’ll be there ASAP!!
[He pauses the game, pretty much throwing his cell phone into a nearby bag, grabbing the bag one-handed and dashing through the door. The camera PANS to the TV as a message fades into screen]
Elder Scrolls V – Skyrim. In Stores Now. This placement paid for by Bethesda Softworks and granted by Dan Ryan and Empire Pro Wrestling.
[CUTTO: A gym, with Brown working out on an elliptical edge. He’s dressed as you’d expect from someone working out, while Otaku, a little dishevelled, has gone for a Heero Yuy costume. Which in itself is dishevelled. He’s looking at the booking sheet for the upcoming Aggression]
Otaku: OK, so, erm… First-san, Burns-san, and Team V.I.A.G.R.A… who did we annoy, Dragon-domo? I can’t see us anywhere.
Karl: We’re facing First, Burns and Team V.I.A.G.R.A.
Otaku: You mean they still think the team name’s a plural?
Karl: Yup.
Otaku: Maaan. After I went to all the trouble of thinking up such animezing name. Note to self. Target OZ headquarters and get Trowa to launch a missile barrage.
Karl: [with a shake of the head] How will targeting something in a cartoon show fix what you perceive to be a problem with the fact that the people who printed that sheet added an S to the end of the team name you came up with?
Otaku: [shrugging] Because.
Karl: OK. Anyway, have you got any thoughts on the title defence?
Otaku: Err… nope. Not really.
Karl: You’ve not been paying attention, have you?
Otaku: It’s just so booooring! I mean, sure, winning the titles was a huge kick, but Team V/I/A.G.R.A again?! And why did First-san and Burns-san get a title match in only their second match? We had to wait til our third!
Karl: We waited that long because we had to win a tournament first, and the front office books who it wants in title matches. Why do you think I kept having to beat Steven Shane all those years ago?
Otaku: Oh yeah… well I still think it’s not fair!
Karl: That’s professional wrestling. You take what’s put in front of you, wrestle one match at a time, and come back the next night and do it all again.
Otaku: Well, do you have any thoughts on them?
Karl: No, but then again I don’t mind who’s put up against us. I’d be more worried if we were given the night off.
Otaku: Why?
Karl: Because Dan only gives people the night off for one of two reasons. Either they’re hurt, which neither of us are, or he’s pissed off with you and doesn’t even want to try and humiliate you that night, like he’s done with Stalker.
Otaku: So that’s what that’s about? I was beginning to wonder.
Karl: And let’s be honest. It’s not as if there’s much we can do that’s going to sway the end result before the bell. I’m not judged on having an opinion on who I’m facing, I’m judged on results at the end of the night.
Otaku: Yeah but they’ve been less than great! We lost last time!
Karl: Losses happen.
Otaku: You know, Dragon-domo, you can be a real downer sometimes. I mean, you’re meant ta be all “I’m gonna win, get back on that horse!” But you just take it in stride and keep going.
Karl: Maybe that’s why I’m still around after an awful come back? [he laughs] No, it’s that I’m realistic.
Otaku: I just don’t want us ta be losing and losing… you know.
Karl: I know. But if we lose the titles, it gives us an incentive to keep going so we win them back.
Otaku: [shocked] Who wouldn’t want to win back the title?!
Karl: For some people a loss is a hard thing to take. Look back a few years – Eric Davies threw a temper tantrum after a loss, and I’ve known people get despondent after a hard-fought loss. It can take them a while to get their heads on straight. I’m convinced that’s what’s happened to quite a few former champions around here.
Otaku: Like?
Karl: I’m not naming names. I do bits in radio still, remember?
Otaku: And?
Karl: Britain has tighter defamation laws than the US.
Otaku: Ah.
[The cosplay fanatic walks past the elliptical edge, looking out of the window]
Otaku: So, uh, Dragon-domo… aren’t you even a little worried about Aggression? About what Burns-san’s willing to do?
Karl: If I’m honest [he says, getting off the elliptical edge and moving straight onto a bench press machine, doing 2 sets of 12 with long, slow, deliberate movements] I haven’t even taken the time out to watch him yet. Maybe that’s where I’ve been going wrong. What’s he been saying?
Otaku: That he’ll do whatever it takes to win.
Karl: If I had tupence for every time I’ve heard that, I’d be totally poor because tupenny bits haven’t been legal tender in years.
Otaku: Wait, wha’?
Karl: British humour.
Otaku: I’m never gonna get that.
Karl: Probably not. But don’t pay attention to him. Some people are so starved for attention or they’re so wrapped up in their little rose-coloured veneers that they have to do whatever it takes to win. In the rules or not. The problem they have is when the come against someone who’s better than them without breaking the rules, beats them cleanly time after time after time, they start to break down and get more desperate, making more mistakes. In the end for them they chase the butterfly so far they run off the edge of the cliff into the Straits of Dover.
Otaku: … you sure you’ve not been smoking with Black-san?
Karl: Trust me. Nice enough guy, not someone I mix with when I don’t have to. [Brown moves on to a leg weight exercise] You going to train or not?
Otaku: I dunno. I should. But Burns-san’s kinda… I dunno. Angry.
Karl: So was Stalker. So was Shane. So were the Colossal Connection. Listen, you need to get remember something, because it’s frustrating telling you the same thing time after time. Whoever you’re up against is out to beat you. Aggression is part of the business, not just the name of the show. Thankfully most of the people with that kind of aggression are about as ferocious as a playful kitten compared to how they portray themselves. If you want to believe their hype, go ahead, but until one of them actually puts me out of action for a while, I’ll ignore their words and trust what they show me.
Otaku: OK. I guess First-san’s different at least.
[“The Dragon” just shakes his head, finishing his set and moving onto a lateral pull-down machine. Otaku slinks over to a treadmill, starting it up. The two train in silence for a few seconds before Otaku speaks again]
Otaku: You know something? I couldn’t’ve asked for a better partner. You honestly don’t care about what others think, you accept people for who they are, and I know you’re gonna help get the titles back if we ever lose them.
Karl: Naturally. What, you think I’m going to run away and chase something else?
Otaku: That’s not what I mean. I mean you’ll be there to beat the crap out of Burns-san and First-san and Team V.I.A.G.R.A and whoever else is there and you won’t make a fuss about it! And you’re moral without ramming it down people’s throats. You’re like… Milliardo Peacecraft, only real and cooler.
Karl: Thanks. I think. Anyway, I just don’t think you can change people who don’t want to be changed. You can only point them in a direction. Try to force someone and you’ll meet resistance. The stubborn oak breaks in the gale, but the flexible willow bends, and all that pseudo-philosophical nonsense.
Otaku: Hey! It was a wise man who said that!
Karl: Thanks.
Otaku: Huh?! [as he turns his head, he forgets he’s on the treadmill and slips off the back, landing in a heap]
Karl: A wise man also said watch where you’re going, and what time’re you going for lunch?
Otaku: Fibber [Getting to his feet]
Karl: Not everything a wise man says has to be profound.
Otaku: They do! Just ask First-san! Wise men are always wise, that’s why they’re wise. Or something.
Karl: Whatever you say. [he says, moving onto the rowing machine. Otaku dusts himself off, getting back on the treadmill. FADE]
Voice: Next time, on Animezing Dragon… that’s Dragon, singular. Not plural. Have a cookie.
The cookie is now diamonds.
Otaku: Hey Dragonites and Cosplay Fans! Otaku here! Next time on Animezing Dragon it’s another toughie, as Dragon-domo and I find ourselves trapped in the clutches of the evil Fire Atronach! And even if we escape, we’ve still got to defeat his Master! Will we survive and bring back the treasure in time to save the kingdom? Only one way to find out!
Next time, on Animezing Dragon – Out of the Frying Pan… and into the Saucer?
Karl: You’re nuts.
[FADE OUT]
The Great Eye
I came to cut you up
- Joined
- Jan 29, 2004
- Messages
- 1,337
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[FADEIN: The First and Muse sitting on the bench next to the Bewitched statue in downtown Salem. First has his face painted in the Kefka motif. Muse rocking her DJ-Pon3 look. “If I Die Young” by The Band Perry plays in the background.]
MUSE: So we really doing this? We’re going to just become everything you said you didn’t want us to be this time around?
FIRST: Man…I just have no idea what to do…Eddie’s so insistent on cheating, there is literally no way we can make him play by the rules.
MUSE: You can, you can refuse to cheat with him…You can do what you did against Impulse…
FIRST: Then what? Then I’m just going to end up having to fight Eddie…That’s where this is all going to lead to…I’m likely going to have to kick his ass…But that isn’t going to straighten him out…He’s not going to understand things till he finally figures them out for himself…
MUSE: So we cheat with him and then what? Keep cheating, keep doing all the same sh*t you did last time till it finally catches up with you? And then we get to fight Anarky or Stalker or Impulse or who the hell ever has the belt by the time you’re challenging for it and you know you can’t take them in a fair fight because you have spent this whole time living off weapon shots and me kicking guys in the balls?
(First leans back on the bench.)
FIRST: Look, I don’t know what the answer is, there is no magical way to fix all this…I practically had to gouge out my eardrums after listening to the myopic junk Otaku and Brown were ranting and raving about…Although First-San is kinda wacky for a name, maybe I should roll with it. But I didn’t come here for myself…I came here to help Eddie…Maybe this is what he needs, to be a champion, to win a title.
MUSE: He’s not really winning a title, he’s stealing it.
FIRST: Hey, I’m still in the record books for holding the EPW World Title…I beat the King and all that jazz…
MUSE: Really, you’re a friggin’ sick recidivist…You’re also a hypocrite…
FIRST: What do you want me to do? Go to the arena, beat the hell out of Eddie and then wrestle for the tag belts by myself? I’m not the problem here, Eddie is the one with the screws loose who wants to drive barbed wire into Team VIAGRA and throw the Dragons through burning tables before using a stapler on their faces to get the pin. I’m the one caught in the middle of helping a friend or trying not to be a dirtbag.
MUSE: I know…Friggin’ Eddie…Maybe this was too much too soon for him…I have no idea what the deal is now…I guess we just have to hit the ring and hope he stays away from sharp objects…
FIRST: If we can just get rolling…Maybe he can just keep it going and we can just win this the right way and it’ll all work out. There’s no reason for us to have to turn to the gimmicks and BS to beat these guys…Ah to hell with it…Let’s get some food…
MUSE: You’re really going to wear the face paint into the Gulu…
FIRST: They know me, it’s part of the job…
MUSE: I’ve married a weirdo
FIRST: You knew that long before the vows, now let’s get some grub woman…
(First and Muse walk away from the bench and head into the Gulu, after a moment Eddie Burns walks into the shot, he watches them as they walk away, shakes his head, and then walks off…FADEOUT)
MUSE: So we really doing this? We’re going to just become everything you said you didn’t want us to be this time around?
FIRST: Man…I just have no idea what to do…Eddie’s so insistent on cheating, there is literally no way we can make him play by the rules.
MUSE: You can, you can refuse to cheat with him…You can do what you did against Impulse…
FIRST: Then what? Then I’m just going to end up having to fight Eddie…That’s where this is all going to lead to…I’m likely going to have to kick his ass…But that isn’t going to straighten him out…He’s not going to understand things till he finally figures them out for himself…
MUSE: So we cheat with him and then what? Keep cheating, keep doing all the same sh*t you did last time till it finally catches up with you? And then we get to fight Anarky or Stalker or Impulse or who the hell ever has the belt by the time you’re challenging for it and you know you can’t take them in a fair fight because you have spent this whole time living off weapon shots and me kicking guys in the balls?
(First leans back on the bench.)
FIRST: Look, I don’t know what the answer is, there is no magical way to fix all this…I practically had to gouge out my eardrums after listening to the myopic junk Otaku and Brown were ranting and raving about…Although First-San is kinda wacky for a name, maybe I should roll with it. But I didn’t come here for myself…I came here to help Eddie…Maybe this is what he needs, to be a champion, to win a title.
MUSE: He’s not really winning a title, he’s stealing it.
FIRST: Hey, I’m still in the record books for holding the EPW World Title…I beat the King and all that jazz…
MUSE: Really, you’re a friggin’ sick recidivist…You’re also a hypocrite…
FIRST: What do you want me to do? Go to the arena, beat the hell out of Eddie and then wrestle for the tag belts by myself? I’m not the problem here, Eddie is the one with the screws loose who wants to drive barbed wire into Team VIAGRA and throw the Dragons through burning tables before using a stapler on their faces to get the pin. I’m the one caught in the middle of helping a friend or trying not to be a dirtbag.
MUSE: I know…Friggin’ Eddie…Maybe this was too much too soon for him…I have no idea what the deal is now…I guess we just have to hit the ring and hope he stays away from sharp objects…
FIRST: If we can just get rolling…Maybe he can just keep it going and we can just win this the right way and it’ll all work out. There’s no reason for us to have to turn to the gimmicks and BS to beat these guys…Ah to hell with it…Let’s get some food…
MUSE: You’re really going to wear the face paint into the Gulu…
FIRST: They know me, it’s part of the job…
MUSE: I’ve married a weirdo
FIRST: You knew that long before the vows, now let’s get some grub woman…
(First and Muse walk away from the bench and head into the Gulu, after a moment Eddie Burns walks into the shot, he watches them as they walk away, shakes his head, and then walks off…FADEOUT)