AGGRESSION 63: Anarky (c)/Impulse (c)/Willard (c) vs. Dis/Shane/Mahogany

[John Doe]

Whatever

FADE IN...

Adrian Willard, EPW backdrop.

Jason, as irrelevant as you are to this whole situation, as irrelevant as you are to Anarky, who would, will, and can crush you without possibly breaking a sweat, I will take my time to address you.

I didn't brag about my title. My title was a victory, it is a prize I have worked for, fought for and now earned.

I am grateful I have the Television Title. It's an honor to be named amongst GREAT champions like Layne Winters and Karl Brown.

Am I bragging to Anarky or Impluse regarding my belt?

No, Jason, my career and my title reign doesn't even hold up to theirs. What is there to brag about? Honestly, if you paid attention, the only thing I have stated is that now I sit amongst the name of champion. Where do you sit, Jason? Playing mind games and forcing your hand into the title situation?

I don't care about three matches, it doesn't prove my worth in this company. Sure, in three matches I have become a champion, but that is just one part of my continuing EPW career. This is just something to elevate me higher.

The purpose of me getting into a pissing match with Rich Mahogany is to prove a point. That point is he isn't all he makes himself out to be.

He pinned 'Nark, so what.

He's not the first nor last man that will pin Anarky.

When the belt is on the line, can he do it? Well, that shot isn't coming anytime soon even if he has pinned a former world champion and the current one.

States enough about his future here in this company and what Dan Ryan's plans for him are.

I proved myself to this company, because I don't give up. Because when things get tough I fight for what I want, I push myself to get there.

My eyes were set on proving a point, it wasn't about this title, it wasn't about some worthless belt I can have had made on any website.

It was the fact that Cameron Cruise was a sitting champion. He is, has been, and ever will be a waste of space, a waste of time.

Much like yourself, Jason.

A waste of breath, oxygen, and coherent thinking.

Don't get me wrong, I don't MIND blowing hot air from my lips to address you, but hell, this is the only way we can address you isn't?

As a normal every day decent wrestler. Not someone that actually deserves time with the belt or has banked a title shot, because you haven't done the most important word in that sentence.

You haven't EARNED it.

I am not talking about wasting your time in the ring like Cameron Cruise hoping that when you hit year three and Dan Ryan says you're a vet you get your shot. I am talking 'bout blood, sweat, and tears.

Impulse, has earned his belt.

Anarky, has earned his belt.

And I have earned my belt.

It doesn't matter how long you bleed, sweat or cry, but how hard you do.

And they way I see you it, Jason, you aren't even a dripping pipe.

FADE OUT.

 

[User Poets]

Re: Whatever

I knew an uncultured shrike like you never saw the movie 'Freaks.'

Somehow, I just knew it.

If you can produce one instance, Jason, of my speaking of my record here or anywhere in any context other than to point out how pointless it is to actually talk about being better or worse than anyone else based on a win loss record, I'll never address you, ever again.

But if you've never seen 'Freaks' then I doubt you have the means to look that close at anything.

It all ties together.

I am, however, quite tickled over how absolutely enraged you are as it relates to a match you're not even part of.

 

[Justin]

Re: Whatever

“Hmm...”

[No fancy description.]

“You know, it occurs to me that I’m starting to get under Anarky’s skin.”

[Rich Mahogany is. He just is.]

Rich:
On top of that, it looks like Anarky’s getting under Randlolph’s skin.

[A mischievous smirk.]

Rich:
Do you know what that spells?

Opportunity.

How long can those two boneheads coexist, anyway? The Champ’s got his ass on his shoulders because Adelaide Willard and Impulse jumped up and came to his aid after I made fun of him, and you know Anarky’s too much of a [finger quotes] “badass” to let two little guys stand up for him. And then you’ve got Impulse, cutting a less entertaining and much wordier version of the same promo I’ve been cutting on Anarky for weeks now.

Can you see that hairline fracture in the foundation?

All it takes is a little bit of agitation and the next thing you know that fracture’s grown into a steaming, earth-shaking fissure. And that’s all it takes for a guy like Rich Mahogany to end up pinning a guy like Anarky.

Or...

Maybe a guy like Impulse.

[The Sexy Beast scratches his chin thoughtfully.]

Rich:
Now, I could spend the next forty minutes explaining to Anarky just exactly why he’s the biggest walking contradiction this side of a Green Day concert again, but frankly I think I’ve exhausted that subject. Besides, Randolph did it for me already, damn near in my own words, too.

I could probably do an hour on why Impulse is probably the worst incarnation of a “Good Guy” that the business has ever seen, but he’s been getting hit from all sides with that one for the last few months, You know me, I’m never the one to beat a dead horse.

I could probably even spend some time on why Dis is a joke that never quite reached the punchline, Adrian Willard is like some kind of retarded Little Engine that Could, Steven Shane can’t even figure out how a Ladder Match works, let alone a 6-man tag match, or even how Stalker spends more time trying to outsmart himself that the rest of them spend trying to put over why Their Way is the Right Way.

But I’m not gonna do that.

[He shrugs.]

Rich:
What I’m gonna do instead is I’m gonna get myself back to the Palace of Love, oil myself up from head to toe, and give a pair of conjoined twins the thrill of a lifetime, and then I’m gonna sleep for seventeen hours to let the Enzyte wear off before Aggression six three.

Then, I’m gonna do the one thing that nobody expects. I’m not gonna spend the match whispering sweet nothin’s into the ears of all The Ladies at ringside, and I’m not gonna let Steve Shane take the fall so that everybody else can look good and not lose any heat.

What I am gonna do is walk out of Aggression as the only man in this Main Event who not only looks good and accomplishes something, but who looks like a Champion while doing it! This night is tailor made for a guy like Rich Mahogany to take advantage of, there’s so many egos and idiots gonna be in the ring at the same time that some kind of shenanigans are bound to happen within the first eight minutes of the match, and when it does I’m gonna take somebody by surprise.

I’m gonna take the whole world by Surprise.

[Rich Mahogany winks at the camera.]

[Every woman watching at home gets a tingle in their uh-oh-no-no place.]

[Fade to pink.]

 

[DBrunkGXW]

Re: Whatever

[Dis standing in front of a banner reading “Empire Pro Wrestling Presents: Aggression”]

DIS: [Voice distorted] You know what you all are?

You’re the ugly girls at the bar who can’t land a man for the night.

And me? I’m the bombshell turning heads wherever I go.

So you cut me down and insult me, call me all sorts of names.

Speak ill of me.

Cause all you have is hate.

All you have is excuses.

“I could look like her if I got a boob job and had botox shot into my face.” Says the Sad Prince.

But he won’t do these things because he believes in his natural beauty. To get plastic surgery would violate the code.

A man so amazingly adrift in a world of self-delusion that he’s believes that if he were to not have his moronic honor system that he’d be unstoppable.

He would be the Great Tyrant.

That all that keeps him from being unbeatable is the lack of pulling hair, grabbing the trunks and swinging chairs.

You have made this fantasy as an excuse for your whole career. If you never do win all those titles and never do become the great legend that is spoken about in hushed whispers, well you would have if you had stooped to the level of the others.

Believe whatever you want Sad Prince.

“You only earned this title shot due to Stalker.”

I had this title shot the moment I set foot in this company.

The moment I gave life to a legend.

You whine about Dis.

You NEED Dis.

I am what this company has so sorely lacked for so long.

A legend.

You cut me down all you want.

You just wish you could carry this mantle.

Who did the Lunatic go after to get attention?

Trash the Sad King’s bar?

Go down to Texas and do some damage to Dan Ryan’s ranch?

Or did he just put on a mask and get everyone hootin’ and hollerin’ at their TV’s?

“It’s Stalker that was Dis all along! I told you grandpa! You owe me 10 bucks!”

I’m the one that matters here.

You’re all just catching up.

Whining and complaining and justifying your sad existences.

It’s so pitiful what’s happened here.

Johnny Come Often gets a pin on the Sad King.

Yeah it was non-title, but as you two like to say so often, that’s how management set it up.

He achieved the absolute best result possible in that match for himself.

“But it doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. Cause blah blah blah.”

[Laughs]

So funny how the story changes when you’re on the wrong side of the result.

If he’d lost that match you would be sneering and mocking him and our team for being unworthy.

He wins and you demand a mulligan.

And now I’m supposed to be impressed you wrestle a lot Sad King?

One minute you explain that Empire Pro is the elite of the elite that you have to man up to be something important here.

The next minute you want us to salute you because you’ve been around for a while.

What is this, pee-wee baseball?

You want a trophy for participation?

Great you’ve wrestled in a bunch of matches nobody ever cared about.

How wonderful for you.

You sneer and mock the idea that I could do better than you.

Well guess what Sad King?

I will bring honor and prestige back to this company.

I will show you and everyone else how to handle the burden of being champion.

I will clean up the mess you’ve made.

I will bring the Empire back to glory.

Learn from what I do so that some day if you ever did regain that throne you won’t screw it up so badly like you did this time.

[BLACK]

 

[JLevinson]

Re: Whatever

(FADEIN to an empty ring with a metal folder chair. Anarky sits in it, sans title, sans makeup, in street clothes.)

ANARKY: “You guys remember that time there was an EPW World Heavyweight Champion and everybody loved and respected him and felt he was really the right guy for the job and so nobody slandered his good name and we all lived in a plentiful Empire, basking in the reflected glory of our God-King?

“No?

“You know why?

“Cause I just told you a f*cking fairy-tale. There’s no such f*cking thing as a Champion nobody talks sh*t about. So excuse me, Peanut Gallery, for not taking it personally that you’ve somehow found some flaws in my shiny armor. I, too, am shocked and appalled at my own qualifications for this job I didn’t even apply for, and yet… here we are.

“And really, if I’m a sh*t Champion… what does that make you guys?

“You don’t have to answer that. Though I’m sure every last one of you will offer your heartfelt, unsolicited opinion, again and again.

“So, where to begin. Let’s start with Richard, shall we?

“Listen, Rich. You might not know this about me, but I’m kind of an angry person in general. It’s sorta what I get paid for. So claiming credit for pissing me off is like taking credit for the sun rising. You can do it, but the only person who believes it is you.

“You know what pisses me off? Religious people. Bad drivers. Republicans. Democrats. Libertarians. People who go tanning. People who dance. People who refuse to dance. Really. Any old reason.

“But you know what really pisses me off?

“Little primadonnas who sit back and take cheap shots at everybody else like their sh*t doesn’t stink. But that’s life, man. I can’t kick the sh*t out of every last one of you, sadly. There’s just too many of ya. You literally cover the Earth.

“But let me tell you a little secret, Rich: if you think that my anger is somehow going to cloud my judgment and give you the opportunity to end this reign, well… you are just showing the whole world how little you know about me.

“I mean… how do you imagine I fight, Rich? That I’m a calm, cool cucumber in that ring? A methodical ring tactician?

“No. I’m a pissed off loser who happens to be pretty good at punching people in the mouth. That’s it. I don’t sugar coat it even though Impulse has certainly lectured me enough about why I don’t.

“Just like Dis. Dis calls me the Sad King. Cause, y’know, I’m supposed to wrap my d*ck in the title and wave it around for everybody to see. This is Dis’s idea of glory and rebirth. And Dis would know, because Dis may or may not be the same Dis who did something a long time ago that nobody really cares about anymore, but I assure you, it was all very shocking and edgy at the time.

“I really am sorry my title reign has been such a disappointment, Dis. My parents said the same thing. And they aren’t even retarded, so it stung a little. But, you know… you get over it. You spend your whole life as a tragic disappointment and eventually you get over it. You somehow manage to crawl out of bed and do your job.

“And then, y’know, it’s funny, one day they give you a shiny belt and point out that, in fact, you’re actually much better at your job than every two-bit punk who thought otherwise. And it’d be funny if it wasn’t so f*cking sad.

“I don’t need you, Dis. Empire survived just fine without you, and it’ll survive just fine again should you, once again, tuck your tail between your legs and wander off into whatever abyss you came in from. The world will move on without all of us.

“Then, of course, we have Stalker. Oh, Stalker. What a bitter disappointment this must be for you. I mean… you pretty much invented the Rich Mahogany/Dis School of Earning Title Shots whereby you earn one by saying my name as many times in 5 minutes as humanly possible. And yet… you got passed by.

“If there’s a lesson here, it’s that the first step to failure is trying too hard. You’re like that fat ch*ck nobody is willing to f*ck. I mean… really… someone would probably get drunk enough to f*ck you if you didn’t reek so much of desperation, but… you do. You cling. It’s a little off-putting, honestly.

“All of these elaborate ruses… and for what. So you could possibly get kicked out of EPW? Was this all part of your plan?

“Adrian, I’m sorry I don’t have much to say to you… you probably respect me a little too much, but I’m going to give you a pass because you don’t know me very well so you haven’t earned the proper disgust that you should when someone is around me.

“Finally. Impulse. The Marathon Man. And I’m sure other nicknames I know nothing about.

“You know, Impulse… in a way… you disgust me more than anybody else in this match. At least with Rich and Dis and Stalker… they aren’t pretending to be moral crusaders around here. They aren’t acting like they actually earned this sh*t. They’re just stomping their feet until they get what they want like the children they are.

“You can’t really blame a child for being a child, can you.

“But you, Impulse… you’re supposed to be better than that, right? You’re supposed to stand for something. You’re supposed to want to be some kind of legend, right?

“Well f*ck you and the horse you rode in on, motherf*cker. You think I’m a hypocrite cause you think it’s bragging to point out that I’m at the top of the food chain? The f*ck do I care?

“From day one you’ve been droppin’ little hints about how you’d be different, how you’d be better. How you’ll be a legend and you’ll respect the title.

“Oh, I get it. If only you had the precious, precious title, things would be different. You’d be a just and righteous God-King and all would tremble before your moral self-satisfaction.

“But this isn’t a movie, Impulse. The good guy doesn’t always win at the end of the day. Sometimes the credits roll and it’s just a big f*cking chaotic mess and it doesn’t really matter who was right or wrong because in the end we are all just swirling around in this ocean of chaos and all that matters is who can survive. Who can keep breathing.

“I sure as f*ck ain’t perfect, gentlemen. But there’s one big f*cking difference between me and the rest of you self-appointed Kings.

“At least I know it.”

(FADEOUT.)

 

[Stalker]

The One Ring to Rule Them All

V/O: "The winner of this bout...AND NEW!!!! EPW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!!! ANARKY!!!"

FakeNARK: Wait a minute?! What the f*ck?! Oh god dammit.

V/O: He shakes his head as he's handed the belt.

FakeNARK: "I was told this was non-title, I've been hoodwinked! Swindled! Bamboozled!"

(Fade in to Jason Reeves.)

Stalker: Is that what you said you f*cking Frodo?

I don't think so.

You act like the belt is the One ring and it burdens you so. You claim to have never wanted it but still you signed up for it.

The KoTC tournament's main goal was to get a chance at the world champ, you signed up for it, you won it.

At the point we are right now in this game, Impulse is Samwise.

Without him you'd be nothing, hell without the One Ring you'd be nothing.

The biggest p*ssy I know in the greatest production ever told.

How the One Ring fell into the hands of Stalker.

(Fade.)

 

[Justin]

Re: Whatever

[Rich.]

Rich:
So, what you're saying, is that just because nobody's ever been a decent champion, you shouldn't have to be bothered with trying? Are you trying to prove my point for me?

[Snicker.]

Rich:
Does anybody else think it's cute how he refers to us as the peanut gallery, meanwhile he's the only one of the bunch of us who hasn't won a match recently?

[Eyeroll.]

Rich:
Irrelevance, get ready for your next customer: Anarky.

[End.]

 

[DBrunkGXW]

Re: Whatever

[Dis standing in front of a banner reading AGGRESSION 63 Live from Williamsburg Virginia]

DIS: [Voice distorted] You don’t understand things as they are Sad King.

You sneer and tell us that if you are a failure as a champion what are we?

The Sad Prince is a coward who will not fight you.

The Rat Boy is clearly not ready for this.

Johnny Come Often beat you already but you had not the stomach to risk your belt so really it didn’t count.

I have yet to have my match with you.

I didn’t earn my title shot by saying your name repeatedly.

I earned it just by walking in the door of this company.

Johnny Come Often hasn’t earned a title shot by saying your name a bunch either.

But if he did get a title shot I bet it would be because he BEAT YOU.

So you b*tch and moan about people name dropping you all the time.

Last I checked we’re your opponents in this match.

What are we supposed to do? Not talk about you?

Oh if only I was allowed to do such a thing.

To never bring up your endless whining and complaining.

Your pitiful attempts to explain away your legacy of failure.

Rest assured Sad King the day I get to not talk about you it will be me that will far happier about it.

You’re an uninteresting person and a failure as a champion.

As a wrestler you’re damn good.

That’s why you hold the belt.

You take a beating like no other.

You are tough as nails.

You’re sadistic and violent and you know this sport inside and out.

You can beat anyone on any given night.

But being a good wrestler is all you know.

It’s all you have and it’s all you are.

And that’s why you can’t understand the rebellion against you.

Can’t see what everyone else sees.

You win your matches, you do what’s asked of you, that’s enough isn’t it?

Isn’t it?

[Shakes head]

So lost and pitiful.

Aggression 63 you begin to learn the truth.

Russian Roulette the truth comes falling down all around you and your reign will be no more.

[Black]