Re: What da HELL is an Oblivion?
[FADE IN: on a busy Dick’s Sporting Goods store. Patrons are littered amongst the aisles however there is one six foot six man perusing a particular aisle which takes the camera’s fancy. Dressed in black t-shirt that has the sleeves crudely cut off and “OBLIVION” scrawled across the front in what appears to be written in a puffer paint pen in red. The man is TEDDY ALEXANDER and he looks confused as he walks down the aisle.]
[The camera draws nearer as a SHOP CLERK walks up behind the Empire Pro superstar, placing a hand gently on TEDDY’s shoulder. TEDDY swings around, ready to strike with a right when he realises it is only someone who has come to provide him some assistance. The SHOP CLERK jumps back, cowering under his forearms as TEDDY chuckles nervously to himself.]
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Sorry, pal.” (extends a hand to help him up) “Gut instinct, y’know?”
STORE CLERK: (sheepishly)
“No harm, no foul. I couldn’t help but notice you looked a little- Hey. Don’t I know you?”
[TEDDY looks up and down the aisle, like he were hoping but not hoping people overheard. He was safe.]
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Maybe. You watch pro-wrestlin’?”
SHOP CLERK:
“Sure do. Can’t wait for CSWA.”
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Sure, pal. You and everybody else.”
SHOP CLERK:
“You’re Teddy Alexander, right? From Empire Pro.”
[Extends his hands out as if putting himself on display.]
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“In da flesh.”
SHOP CLERK: (impressed)
“Woooow! Wait ‘til I tell my buddy, Billy. He’s a BIG fan of yours. When you wrestled Eddie Burns? Man, we actually thought you DID break his neck. That was AWESOME, Teddy. Can I call you Teddy?”
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“You can call me someone who can give me a hand. I’m kinda in a hurry.”
SHOP CLERK:
“I can help you!” (extending a hand) “Mike.”
[TEDDY accepts the fan clerk’s hand and shakes it.]
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Listen, Mike. I’m kinda lookin’ for somethin’ in particular here. Somethin’ specific.”
MIKE:
“What are you lookin’ for, Teddy?”
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“A bowlin’ ball bag.”
MIKE:
“Really? A bowling ball bag?”
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Really. Where do we go for dat?”
MIKE:
“Follow me, Teddy. I know exactly where to go. Bowling, you could say, is my specialty. Although I’ll let you know now... we don’t sell neck braces!”
[MIKE breaks into a hearty nervous laugh as TEDDY no sells the gag. He shrugs his shoulders.]
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“You goin’ to blink your eyes and transport us there, Mike, or you gonna lead da way?”
MIKE: (embarrassed)
“Sorry. Right this way, Teddy.”
[They twist and turn down a couple of aisles before they come to a display of bowling ball bags. Immediately, MIKE grabs one with an extendable arm and an $80 dollar price tag.]
MIKE:
“Teddy, this is the KR Strikeforce Select, my friend. It’s a triple roller. You know what a triple roller is? Of course you do. You look like a bowling man, Teddy. If you don’t mind me saying so.”
[Before TEDDY can respond he pulls the extendable arm all the way out and begins unzipping the bag to show off the insides.]
MIKE:
“Teddy, this bag is the bomb. If you’re a pro you’ll want this bag. And I don’t think you’d settle for anything less, am I right? Of course I am. This three ball bag has a roomy shoe storage compartment coz you just DON’T want your shoes stinking up your towel, right?”
[TEDDY seems a little overcome by all the information he’s receiving about bowling ball bags. MIKE doesn’t give him a chance to interject. He’s in full sales mode.]
MIKE:
“Teddy, this bag has it all. It ALSO has two accessory compartments. For your glove, wrist supports, chalk bag. Put in there whatever you want, man. It can hold it. The wheels? 5 inch. You don’t just get that on ANY old bag, Teddy. Only the best. And in my opinion, KR make the best bags.”
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Mike. Can I ask you a question?”
MIKE:
“Anything, Teddy. You name it.”
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“You ever had your neck broken because you run your mouth too much?”
[MIKE stands there, jaw gaping and eyes wide. TEDDY puts his hands on his hips as if he were expecting an answer. After a few stammers, MIKE can finally respond.]
MIKE:
“Um... G-g-g-gee, Teddy. I-I-I didn’t m-m-mean to upset you!”
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Relax. Shut up. Listen.
“I want somethin’ a little smaller. A little more portable. Maybe even a little more manual. It doesn’t need wheels.”
MIKE:
“Simple. Effective. I get it. I’m with you. I know exactly what you want.”
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Of course you do.”
[MIKE stuffs the KR Strikeforce Select back on the shelf and takes a step back as if getting his bearings. He snatches a blue bag with handles on the top off the shelf.]
MIKE:
“Teddy. This here is the Brunswick Keystone single ball bag and sounds exactly like it would do what you want it to do. Simple. What you see is what you get. Does this look like your sort of vibe, Teddy? Coz I think it is.”
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Would it hold a human head in it?”
MIKE:
“A what?”
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“A human head.”
MIKE:
“A human head?”
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“A human head.”
[MIKE stares across at TEDDY for a few moments, glancing back and forth between him and the bag. All of a sudden, as if experiencing some sort of epiphany, MIKE breaks out laughing.]
MIKE:
“HAHAHAHAHA! OH! OH MAN! You got me GOOD! HAHAHAHA! Wow. You just don’t come across funny on television but you are. You really ARE funny. HAHA! What a hoot. A human head.”
[MIKE’s laughter slowly dwindles into silence as TEDDY remains standing there, arms folded across his chest. MIKE begins to think he’s serious.]
MIKE:
“Oh wait... you’re not joking?”
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“You watch Empire Pro?”
MIKE:
“Yeah. I do. Every time it’s on me and Billy go get some beers and make up nachos. No guacamole coz Billy is allergic to avocado. But every show... we’re all over it.”
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“So you’re familiar with da King of da Cage. You’d also be familiar with da fact I’ve been partnered with Oblivion.”
MIKE:
“Yeah, man. ALL over that. What’s Oblivion like?”
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Oblivion is uncontactable, Mike. I can’t get a hold of him. But I will find him. And when I find him?”
[MIKE looks at the bowling ball bag in his hand, eyes widening. He tosses it away from him, hiding his hands in his armpits as if he were holding a murder weapon.]
MIKE:
“HOLY SHIT!”
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Oblivion will PAY if he doesn’t turn up to dis tournament, Mike. He will pay and he will pay severely. You understand what I’m sayin’ here, Mike?”
MIKE:
“Wait... aren’t you facing Point of View?”
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Good point, Mike.”
[TEDDY turns and looks over the bowling ball bag display.]
TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“I’m gonna need THREE bags.”
[FADE to BLACK!]