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AGGRESSION 69: Point of View v. Oblivion & Teddy Alexander

fugginVOSS

The REAL Funk U. T-shirt
Joined
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What da HELL is an Oblivion?

[FADE IN: on an Empire backdrop. Standing before the banner is the Spinal Smash Monger himself, TEDDY ALEXANDER, wearing a neck brace around his neck and an endearing snarl. Hands on hips, he removes them and rubs them together as he begins to address the camera.]

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“What da HELL is an Oblivion?

“Scratch dat. It doesn’t matter what an Oblivion IS but what an Oblivion DOES.

“If dis Oblivion does not turn up to be counted then da Oblivion finds itself on da hurtin’ end of a Ragekill Driver after I’ve kicked it’s face off with an Angerbash. If an Oblivion has a face at all.

“Listen in, Oblivion. I’ve just come out of a seven man war where everybody and their dog was gunnin’ to take down da Philadelphian Nightmare for Anarky’s TV title. A belt dat was STOLEN from me in dat match. A moment in my EPW history which will not be easily forgotten. Dat means da chip on my shoulder, da ones dat’s cut all da way to da bone, cuts way deeper now. It means there are people who have to pay da price for dis. Dat means I’m surgin’ for my comeuppance.

“Dat means da bodies hit da floor.”

[Snicker.]

[Shifts stance.]

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“And when da bodies hit da floor, Oblivion, you don’t want yours to be among ‘em. Larry Tact has found out first hand not once but TWICE not to mess with me. I’ve pulverised him into mush and I’ll do it again and again until he realises dat his sun has set.

“When da time comes dat we face Point of View, Oblivion, you better be on da same page as me coz I don’t tolerate people gettin’ in my way. I don’t stand for people messin’ with my shit. You show up and you turn up and you fight until there’s nothin’ left inside you or so help me...

“I’ll put you in a wheelchair for da rest of your life just out of SPITE!”

[TEDDY’s breathing is slowly becoming more erratic as he continues.]

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Which brings me to Point of View. Jason Murray and his mouthy little hag. Eric Beachy. It’s goin’ to be an absolute pleasure puttin’ you both back in your box. Even if I have to do it single handedly.

“When we step inside dat cage you’ll truly understand what it’s like to walk with a wild animal. You’ll understand what everybody is so fearful of right now. I’m a one man wreckin’ crew and I’ll leave bodies by da wayside until I get what I want.

“I’ll be da King of da Cage even if I have to drag Oblivion’s dead body along with me. Even if I have to throw Oblivion over da top of da cage.

“I don’t care.

“And I don’t care about you. Any of you. Dat mouthy bitch tries to enter her hand in our little shindig and I’ll give her da taste of da back of mine coz when I get into dat cage I turn into an animal. Escapin’ won’t be enough.

“I’ll climb out of dat cage painted head-to-toe in your blood.”


[Snarl.]

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“When we face off, King of da Cage Twenty-Twelve, I’ll make you wish you could climb back inside da warmth of your mothers and dat you were never born at all.

“Consider me your retroactive coat hanger, gentlemen.

“Let da bodies hit da floor.”

[FADE to BLACK!]
 

fugginVOSS

The REAL Funk U. T-shirt
Joined
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Messages
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Age
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Re: What da HELL is an Oblivion?

[FADE IN: on TEDDY ALEXANDER with his cell phone pressed to his ear, waiting patiently for an answer at the other end. Seemingly not receiving one, he angrily presses the “END CALL” button and stuffs it in his pocket.]

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Da friggin’ Empire can’t even give me a number dat connects to dis Oblivion prick. I’m gonna have to go searchin’ for 'em myself.”

[He sits down at a table in his hotel room and lifts the lid of his laptop. Starting to clack away at the keys on his computer. He speaks as he enters his search terms to Google.]

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Oooo-blivvvv-i-oonnnnn..... rrrrrrr-esssss-elllllll-inggggggg.”

[Slaps at the “ENTER” key and waits for the results.]

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Wrestlin’ Encyclopedia, huh. I thought it was spelt with an ae not an e. Whatever. Let’s see what it says...”

[Reciting from the website.]

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
Oblivion is a professional wrestler best known for his stints in UCW and CWF. Dat’s it? I thought da Internet was s’posed to be some haven for friggin’ information. DOUGHTNUTS!”

[He slams the laptop lid shut and bursts out of his seat. He picks the chair up and tosses it across the room into the wall. It shatters on impact. It doesn’t stop him from picking up one of the chair legs and smashing it wildly against the other remains of the chair.]

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“FUCK!”

[SMASH!]

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“YOU!”

[CRUNCH!]

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“OBLIVION!”

[He turns and tosses the chair leg across the room. His chest rising and falling with rage, not really knowing what to do next.]

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Looks like I’m gonna have to tear these Point of View assholes a new one all on my own.”

[Snicker.]

[Shrug.]

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“I can handle dat.”

[FADE to BLACK!]
 

fugginVOSS

The REAL Funk U. T-shirt
Joined
Aug 26, 2008
Messages
1,214
Points
36
Age
42
Location
Australia
Re: What da HELL is an Oblivion?

[FADE IN: on a busy Dick’s Sporting Goods store. Patrons are littered amongst the aisles however there is one six foot six man perusing a particular aisle which takes the camera’s fancy. Dressed in black t-shirt that has the sleeves crudely cut off and “OBLIVION” scrawled across the front in what appears to be written in a puffer paint pen in red. The man is TEDDY ALEXANDER and he looks confused as he walks down the aisle.]

[The camera draws nearer as a SHOP CLERK walks up behind the Empire Pro superstar, placing a hand gently on TEDDY’s shoulder. TEDDY swings around, ready to strike with a right when he realises it is only someone who has come to provide him some assistance. The SHOP CLERK jumps back, cowering under his forearms as TEDDY chuckles nervously to himself.]

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Sorry, pal.” (extends a hand to help him up) “Gut instinct, y’know?”

STORE CLERK: (sheepishly)
“No harm, no foul. I couldn’t help but notice you looked a little- Hey. Don’t I know you?”

[TEDDY looks up and down the aisle, like he were hoping but not hoping people overheard. He was safe.]

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Maybe. You watch pro-wrestlin’?”

SHOP CLERK:
“Sure do. Can’t wait for CSWA.”

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Sure, pal. You and everybody else.”

SHOP CLERK:
“You’re Teddy Alexander, right? From Empire Pro.”

[Extends his hands out as if putting himself on display.]

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“In da flesh.”

SHOP CLERK: (impressed)
“Woooow! Wait ‘til I tell my buddy, Billy. He’s a BIG fan of yours. When you wrestled Eddie Burns? Man, we actually thought you DID break his neck. That was AWESOME, Teddy. Can I call you Teddy?”

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“You can call me someone who can give me a hand. I’m kinda in a hurry.”

SHOP CLERK:
“I can help you!” (extending a hand) “Mike.”

[TEDDY accepts the fan clerk’s hand and shakes it.]

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Listen, Mike. I’m kinda lookin’ for somethin’ in particular here. Somethin’ specific.”

MIKE:
“What are you lookin’ for, Teddy?”

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“A bowlin’ ball bag.”

MIKE:
“Really? A bowling ball bag?”

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Really. Where do we go for dat?”

MIKE:
“Follow me, Teddy. I know exactly where to go. Bowling, you could say, is my specialty. Although I’ll let you know now... we don’t sell neck braces!”

[MIKE breaks into a hearty nervous laugh as TEDDY no sells the gag. He shrugs his shoulders.]

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“You goin’ to blink your eyes and transport us there, Mike, or you gonna lead da way?”

MIKE: (embarrassed)
“Sorry. Right this way, Teddy.”

[They twist and turn down a couple of aisles before they come to a display of bowling ball bags. Immediately, MIKE grabs one with an extendable arm and an $80 dollar price tag.]

MIKE:
“Teddy, this is the KR Strikeforce Select, my friend. It’s a triple roller. You know what a triple roller is? Of course you do. You look like a bowling man, Teddy. If you don’t mind me saying so.”

[Before TEDDY can respond he pulls the extendable arm all the way out and begins unzipping the bag to show off the insides.]

MIKE:
“Teddy, this bag is the bomb. If you’re a pro you’ll want this bag. And I don’t think you’d settle for anything less, am I right? Of course I am. This three ball bag has a roomy shoe storage compartment coz you just DON’T want your shoes stinking up your towel, right?”

[TEDDY seems a little overcome by all the information he’s receiving about bowling ball bags. MIKE doesn’t give him a chance to interject. He’s in full sales mode.]

MIKE:
“Teddy, this bag has it all. It ALSO has two accessory compartments. For your glove, wrist supports, chalk bag. Put in there whatever you want, man. It can hold it. The wheels? 5 inch. You don’t just get that on ANY old bag, Teddy. Only the best. And in my opinion, KR make the best bags.”

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Mike. Can I ask you a question?”

MIKE:
“Anything, Teddy. You name it.”

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“You ever had your neck broken because you run your mouth too much?”

[MIKE stands there, jaw gaping and eyes wide. TEDDY puts his hands on his hips as if he were expecting an answer. After a few stammers, MIKE can finally respond.]

MIKE:
“Um... G-g-g-gee, Teddy. I-I-I didn’t m-m-mean to upset you!”

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Relax. Shut up. Listen.

“I want somethin’ a little smaller. A little more portable. Maybe even a little more manual. It doesn’t need wheels.”

MIKE:
“Simple. Effective. I get it. I’m with you. I know exactly what you want.”

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Of course you do.”

[MIKE stuffs the KR Strikeforce Select back on the shelf and takes a step back as if getting his bearings. He snatches a blue bag with handles on the top off the shelf.]

MIKE:
“Teddy. This here is the Brunswick Keystone single ball bag and sounds exactly like it would do what you want it to do. Simple. What you see is what you get. Does this look like your sort of vibe, Teddy? Coz I think it is.”

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Would it hold a human head in it?”

MIKE:
“A what?”

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“A human head.”

MIKE:
“A human head?”

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“A human head.”

[MIKE stares across at TEDDY for a few moments, glancing back and forth between him and the bag. All of a sudden, as if experiencing some sort of epiphany, MIKE breaks out laughing.]

MIKE:
“HAHAHAHAHA! OH! OH MAN! You got me GOOD! HAHAHAHA! Wow. You just don’t come across funny on television but you are. You really ARE funny. HAHA! What a hoot. A human head.”

[MIKE’s laughter slowly dwindles into silence as TEDDY remains standing there, arms folded across his chest. MIKE begins to think he’s serious.]

MIKE:
“Oh wait... you’re not joking?”

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“You watch Empire Pro?”

MIKE:
“Yeah. I do. Every time it’s on me and Billy go get some beers and make up nachos. No guacamole coz Billy is allergic to avocado. But every show... we’re all over it.”

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“So you’re familiar with da King of da Cage. You’d also be familiar with da fact I’ve been partnered with Oblivion.”

MIKE:
“Yeah, man. ALL over that. What’s Oblivion like?”

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Oblivion is uncontactable, Mike. I can’t get a hold of him. But I will find him. And when I find him?”

[MIKE looks at the bowling ball bag in his hand, eyes widening. He tosses it away from him, hiding his hands in his armpits as if he were holding a murder weapon.]

MIKE:
“HOLY SHIT!”

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Oblivion will PAY if he doesn’t turn up to dis tournament, Mike. He will pay and he will pay severely. You understand what I’m sayin’ here, Mike?”

MIKE:
“Wait... aren’t you facing Point of View?”

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“Good point, Mike.”

[TEDDY turns and looks over the bowling ball bag display.]

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
“I’m gonna need THREE bags.”

[FADE to BLACK!]
 
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