EPICENTER: TiT '08 - Orlando and Minneapolis

[TH]

[Fade into a shot of Tom Holzerman standing in front of the big screen, which is showing "The Eggomuncher" Doofus Ryan laughing at High Flyer as the Neighborhood Lunatic is looking at him bewildered.]

TH: The Tournament moves to Alabama and Dallas, Michigan and Missouri. Who will join the first sixteen in the second round? Will Doofus Ryan be laughing as hard after his match with High Flyer? Find out more, as EPICENTER is next.

[Cue up "Down" by Stone Temple Pilots.
Cut to JASON PAYNE, shouting out in primal fury with a man's blood as his war paint.
Cut to ROCKO DAYMON whipping ULYSIS SOLIAN off the ropes.
Cut to RAVAGER rolling out of the way of a ROB FRANKLIN top rope headbutt.
Cut to MUNSON MONSOON tossing HIGH FLYER out of the FREE FOR ALL~! ring.

Cut to DAN RYAN hoisting the Merrit Trophy, then flash cut to NOVA with the Harvard Avalon Memorial Trophy held by his side, then flash cut to The A-List hoisting the Dupree Cup.

Cut to: The Epicenter logo once more, fading into Tom Holzerman and Steve Murray at the EPICENTER desk.]

TH: Hello everybody, and welcome to TEAM EPICENTER for the Orlando and Minneapolis brackets of this tournament. I’m Tom Holzerman...

SM: And I’m Steve Murray.

[Cut to a close up of Holzerman in front of a Troy Douglas/Showtyme inset.]

TH: It happens all the time. An unknown quantity comes out of nowhere, proclaiming to be the truth, threatening the established order of things. He's not taken seriously, but then he just houses everything. Sometimes, like D! in the inaugural Tournament of Champions, he takes the whole thing. Other times, like in this very tournament last year with Rob Franklin against Dan Ryan, he comes close but falters at the end of a spectacular display. Showtyme, a relative newcomer to the TEAM circuit, is one of those breakthrough guys, a thirteenth seed in the Minneapolis region. How would he fare against fourth-seeded Troy Douglas?

[Cut to the ring, Showtyme running the ropes behind Douglas.]

TH V/O: Let's find out as we take you to Michigan State's campus, and early on in the match, Showtyme was the truth. Here he is with the chopblock on Douglas, illegal in the NFL, but fine and by the books here in TEAM. And then on the follow up, Douglas on his knees and Showtyme with the dropkick to the face. It doesn't get much more brutal than that, folks.

[Cut to Showtyme backing Douglas into a corner.]

TH V/O: Here, Showtyme shows his International side with those European uppercuts. He's from Knoxville, folks, but that doesn't mean he's not a man of the world.

[Cut to Showtyme running the ropes with Douglas in wait.]

TH V/O: Douglas gets a short burst of offense in after a Showtyme miscue. Megatron here delivering the spinebuster like it should be.

[Cut to Showtyme sidling up next to Douglas.]

TH V/O: But it's short-lived as Showtyme is back on the offensive in quick order, delivering the side Russian leg sweep. I told you he was international.

[Cut to Douglas whipping Showtyme off the ropes.]

TH V/O: Douglas gets back on the warpath though, here taking Showtyme to the ropes and over with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker.

[Cut to Douglas approaching a staggered Showtyme.]

TH V/O: And while Douglas isn't as international as Showtyme is, he certainly knows how to bring the pain. Here he is with the swinging neckbreaker, and it looks like he can just hit cruise control.

[Cut to Douglas on the top rope.]

TH V/O: But he jams on the brakes too late as he leaps for this diving headbutt, but at the last second, Showtyme gets up and Douglas eats canvas.

[Cut to Showtyme waiting for Douglas to get up.]

TH V/O: Out of that, the lower seed corralls Douglas in with the fisherman's suplex, but Douglas kicks out at the last second.

[Cut to Showtyme with Douglas in Rock Bottom position.]

TH V/O: Showtyme looking to finish with his End Credits [Flatliner] finishing move, but Douglas blocks last second and drives him to the canvas with an STO.

[Cut to Douglas with Showtyme in a butterfly.]

TH V/O: Much like the Internet, Douglas means serious business here, Tiger Driver and a beauty, but it's still not enough to put Showtyme away.

[Cut to Douglas whipping Showtyme into the ropes.]

TH V/O: Showtyme though, still has fight left in him. Douglas fans on the lariat, and Show catches him with a cross body, a desperation move, but one that worked.

[Cut to Showtyme with Douglas in a fireman's carry.]

TH V/O: Showtyme looking for the finish here, looking for a Feature Presentation (TKO), but it's a box office flop as Douglas catches Showtyme on the way down with an inverted DDT, reminiscent of one Eli Flair! He takes the chance to suprise Showtyme and grab the quick victory, and Troy Douglas moves onto the second round, avoiding the upset in an instant classic. Steve?

[Cut to the Hammons Sports Center.]

SM V/O: Alright Tom, unusual affair between the fourteenth-seeded "Eggomuncher" Doofus Ryan and third-seeded High Flyer in that same region, this time at Missouri State. Strange beginning to the match, as the faux-Ryan comes to the ring eating an Eggo Waffle. Flyer looks on bewildered, and Ryan laughs at him, then spits waffle in his face. Gross, and to follow it up, he kicks the fWo World Champion in the groin. I don't know how the ref allowed that one, but I guess nearly anything goes.

[Cut to Ryan kicking a prone Flyer in the face.]

SM V/O: Still clutching his genitals, Flyer gets more indignity put on top of that with a few kicks to the head, courtesy of Ryan's untied boot.

[Cut to Ryan trying to feed Flyer Eggos.]

SM V/O: Flyer still getting a taste of the pain, quite literally. Ryan shoving those Eggos into his mouth, and Flyer spits them out. In return, it's time for a good, old-fashioned fishhook.

[Cut to Flyer on the mat, Ryan waddling the ropes.]

SM V/O: Doofus going for what I can only imagine is his finish, a homage to his teacher "Cowboy" Doink Kamala IV, a splash that the Neighborhood Lunatic telegraphs completely and moves out of the way.

[Cut to Flyer with Ryan in a front headlock.]

SM V/O: Flyer here in control of the match with a series of snap suplexes, a veritable Three Amigos.

[Cut to Flyer running the ropes.]

SM V/O: And here, Flyer just drills Ryan with that yakuza kick he calls the Runaway Train. This one's the wrong way on a one way track for Doofus, and he's out. Flyer advances.

[Cue up Led Zeppelin, "No Quarter." Cut to Adrien Cochrane trading chops with Dr. Tittylover.]

SM V/O: After the break, Dr. Tittylover has had a checkered past in TEAM, but can he turn it around against Adrien Cochrane? EPICENTER returns after this.

[Cut to a commercial for some prescription medicine whose side effects include anal leakage and the urge to gamble.]

 

[TH]

[Cut right back from break to highlights of Adrien Cochrane and Dr. Tittylover.]

SM V/O: Diving right back into the action, let's take you to the Orlando region, fifth-seeded Adrien Cochrane and the only twelve seed who's loved by ALL the hos, Dr. Tittylover. At the Moody Coliseum, and early on, it's all Tittylover. Here he is pimp-slapping the taste out of Cochrane's mouth. One right, two right, and he raises up his right for a big slap only to fake everyone out with a left. He's as cunning as he is horny.

[Cut to Tittylover on the top rope.]

SM V/O: Tittylover takes to the air, and he's Flyin' PEE-EYE-EM-PEE with that lariat from the top.

[Cut to Cochrane running the ropes.]

SM V/O: Cochrane comes back and straight up wows the crowd with this leaping tornado DDT.

[Cut to Tittylover in the corner.]

SM V/O: The fireworks continue, as Cochrane explodes with the ACinator (whisper in the wind) that sends Tittylover stumbling to the canvas.

[Cut to Cochrane running the ropes.]

SM V/O: Let's take you to the end of the match, Cochrane going for a clothesline, but Tittylover ducks. Cochrane bounces off the ropes only to get NAILED by an OUT OF NOWHERE Bootzilla. Cochrane is out and Tittylover falls on him for the upset pinfall.

[Cut to Harley Cain working over Dusk's arm.]

TH V/O: Staying in Dallas, it's the number four Dusk in a little trouble early against the thirteen Harley Cain. Cain with the arm wringer, landing some shots on the upper arm of Dusk.

[Cut to Dusk behind Cain.]

TH V/O: Dusk roars right back though, nailing Cain with a German suplex.

[Cut to Cain in front of Dusk.]

TH V/O: See-saw affair, with Cain nailing Dusk with an inverted atomic drop.

[Cut to Cain running towards Dusk.]

TH V/O: Dusk fires right back though, spinebuster, and you know what happens next.

[Cut to Dusk sizing up a staggered Cain.]

TH V/O: Shattered Glass! (Superkick) Cain is knocked out and Dusk scores the pinfall victory, setting up a meeting with Dr. Tittylover in the next round.

[Cut to Bryan Storms chopping at Felicia Hart.]

TH V/O: Again, staying in Dallas, the sixth-seeded Bryan Storms taking on the eleventh-seeded sister of last year's Portland Regional Champion, Felicia Hart. Storms with the upper hand early, landing chops in an area that's dangerously close to landing him in a sexual harassment lawsuit.

[Cut to Hart running the ropes.]

TH V/O: But that spunky little vixen comes right back with a spin-heel kick right to Storm's face.

[Cut to Storms whipping Hart into the ropes.]

TH V/O: Storms, looking to follow up his semifinal run in the ToC with some hardware in this tourney, comes storming right back with a Samoan Drop.

[Cut to Hart on the top turnbuckle.]

TH V/O: But the female Hart won't go away. Super Rana, and it looks like she may have the upset, but Storms kicks out at the last second.

[Cut to Hart setting up for a Hart Attack.]

TH V/O: Hart looking to finish with her big brother's signature move, but Storms at the last second shoves her towards the ropes. She comes stumbling back and Storms gets the roll-up and the pin to advance onto the next round. Felicia Hart complaining afterwards that there was a grab of the panties, but those claims were unsubstantiated and ultimately ignored. The other match from Southern Methodist, Jason Payne and Superstar, was called off after Payne went AwOL and Superstar was banned for a controlled substance. This spot will be made up in a special play-in match, and the participants will be announced at the end of the show.]

[Cut to JJ Nickels and Zodiac grappling.]

SM V/O: Back to Michigan State, the eight-nine match in Minneapolis, Nickels and Zodiac, and Nickels gets the upper hand early on this one with the gutwrench suplex.

[Cut to Zodiac running the ropes.]

SM V/O: Zodiac bounces right back, nailing Nickels with this spinning headscissors takedown.

[Cut to Zodiac on the top rope.]

SM V/O: The mysterious female trained by Johnny Lexicon with more fireworks. Flying calf kick to a stunned Nickels.

[Cut to Nickels running the ropes.]

SM V/O: The REBEL Carolinas Champion comes roaring back with a big lariat on Zodiac.

[Cut to Zodiac on the top rope again.]

SM V/O: But that'd prove inadequate as Zodiac finishes with this 450 splash and pinfall, and enters the second round.

[Cue up Led Zeppelin, "No Quarter," cut to MaX-Files in sunglasses and a shower cap sizing up Jake Phoenix.]

SM V/O: Next up, why was MaX-Files wearing a shower cap? Find out after the break.

[Cut to a commercial for Cocoa Puffs... sike. It's another commercial for prescription medicine. Aren't you sick of them yet?]

 

[TH]

[Cut right back into the highlights]

TH V/O: Moar highlights, plz. MaX-Files and Jake Phoenix, the seven-ten matchup in Minneapolis, again in East Lansing. MaX wrestling in a shower cap to go with his sunglasses, an odd choice for him given how vain he is about his hair. However, according to a pre-match interview, he was afraid of the mutant lice. Anyway, MaX opens the match catching Jake off guard with a basement dropkick that causes the big Murder City Devil to faceplant.

[Cut to Phoenix with his hand across MaX's throat.]

TH V/O: That only served to piss the big guy off. Phoenix here with a choke toss on the former Max Hopper.

[Cut to Phoenix with MaX staggered.]

TH V/O: And here, the Murder City Devil just cracking him across the skull with those big forearms.

[Cut to MaX on the top rope.]

TH V/O: MaX on the comeback. Since he can't lift him, he's gotta go to the top, and he nails Phoenix with that missile dropkick.

[Cut to MaX looking on at a stunned Phoenix.]

TH V/O: And then, just as MaX is ready to pounce, the arena lights go off for at least thirty seconds, and when they come back on, it's MaX pinning Phoenix after what we can only imagine was MaX's finisher, CLASSIFIED! Of course, no one knows the identity of this move, as it's kept more secret than the Colonel's eleven herbs and spices. All we know is it's potent enough to get a pinfall on the massive REBEL World Champion and advancement in the tournament.

[Cut to Donovan Astros with Sheephumper in a compromising position.]

SM V/O: Onto the laughers, and first we stay in East Lansing, as Donovan Astros punches his dance card against the aforementioned MaX-Files with his signature Astrocide (Unprettier) on the Sheephumper.

[Cut to Simply Beautiful winding up for a discus punch against Dorian Ryan.]

SM V/O: Dorian Ryan didn't fare much better even with his better resume, as Simply Beautiful simply knocked his ass out and will face Troy Douglas in the next round.

[Cut to Fusenshoff in front of a dazed Erik Mateo.]

SM V/O: Fusenshoff, in Missouri, made short work of the Las Vegas Champion Erik Mateo with his signature Domination (powerbomb to X-Factor where Fuse doesn't leave his feet). Mateo needed smelling salts after that one.

[Cut to "Faceless" and Wong-Pei.]

SM V/O: Speaking of short work, Wong-Pei wasn't able to throw poop or transmit lice to "Faceless" as one stiff, sharp roundhouse kick to the monkey's skull knocked it out and caused a ref's stoppage.

[Cut to Dean Hobkirk on the top rope.]

SM V/O: In a battle of Britain, Dean Hobkirk takes out Adam Benjamin with his Thrillseeker swanton bomb.

[Cut to Chip Friendly looking down at the Stinky Dead Trout.]

SM V/O: Chip Friendly advances after just tossing the Stinky Dead Trout out of the ring for the count out win. After the match, he was seemingly puzzled as to why Lindsay Troy ducked him, but had nothing but backhanded compliments to pay her in the process.

[Cut to Foster Nackedy with Matt Fury's arms crossed in a standing headscissor.]

SM V/O: And finally, Foster Nackedy finishes the Hitman Matt Fury off with this crisp cross-armed powerbomb.

[Cut back to the studio, close up of Steve Murray.]

SM: As for the Dan Ryan/Akita Ventriloquist Telepath match, I'm told that Akita will be using ESP to deliver the highlights of that match to everyone. But for those who don't feel like waiting, here's a hint. Dan Ryan wins.

[Cut to Tom Holzerman.]

TH: As for the spot vacated by Jason Payne and Superstar, there will be a special FREE FOR ALL~! rules match to claim that spot. However, unlike a regular FREE FOR ALL~! match, the competitors are set beforehand. The twelve men in this match will be James Varga, Harley Cain, Spike Saunders, Adrien Cochrane, Eric Thompson, Bryan Dawkins, The Sergeant, Jake Phoenix, Showtyme, JJ Nickels, Doofus Ryan and Felicia Hart. This match will take place on Friday, and you can catch the highlights on a special EPICENTER.

[Pan out to a wide shot of both anchors.]

TH: That'll do it for us tonight. Make sure you join us for the next installment of EPICENTER. Until then, I'm Tom Holzerman.

SM: And I'm Steve Murray.

TH: Goodnight everyone.

[Fade to

]

 

[TH]

Credits:

Writing - Holzerman
Judging - Holzerman, Jarret Aubry, Chris Davis, Stalker, OLW Jeff, Pete Russo