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FRIDAY NIGHT VULGAR 03/KING OF ALL MONSTERS GP

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LQJT86C

Where's my money, Chad?
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ii. Intro (Bob Gray edition/Pennywise remix)

(FADEIN: A Bambi-like female deer, frolicking in the countryside. Butterflies spiral around its nose in a fashion that makes you think of waterfalls, cinnamon sprinkles, and candy hearts. The doe lowers its head to take a bite of grass when SPLAT! BIG F*CKING GODZILLA FOOT CRUSHES IT TO DEATH!)

(CUEUP: “Blood and Thunder” by Mastodon)

(FLASH CUTTO: MAGNUS; GRAVENDER; MACKEY; MAEDA; ZESTY; HENDO)

(CUTTO: GRAVENDER clotheslining MATT FORD over the top rope to the outside)

(CUTTO: MACKEY throwing repeated shots to the head of Harry Holocaust, who continues biting his ankle)

(CUTTO: MAGNUS hitting JOHN JOHNSON with the DESTRUCTO BOMB!)

(CUTTO: RORY ‘HENDO’ HENDERSON choking the sh*t out of some poor jabronie)

(CUTTO: MAEDA trading lefts and rights with MAGNUS, both men staggering)

V/O: “WHITE! WHALE! HOLY! GRAIL!”

(CUTTO: ZESTY ragdolling IMPULSE into the turnbuckles)

(CUTTO: GRAVENDER hitting a flying headbutt off the top turnbuckle)

(CUTTO: MAEDA knocking MAGNUS down with a clothesline)

(CUTTO: MAGNUS hits MAEDA with a DESTRUCTO BOMB!)

V/O: “WHITE! WHALE! HOLY! GRAIL!”

(CUTTO: ZESTY pouring whiskey all over his face)

(CUTTO: ZESTY beating the sh*t out of the referee)

(CUTTO: MAEDA hitting the Thunder-Fire bomb on some jay-brone)

(CUTTO: HENDO with a PILEDRIVER!)

(CUTTO: MAGNUS throwing up his arm to the roar of the crowd)

V/O: “Slit your lungs with blood and thunder
When you see the white whale
Break your backs and crack your oars men
When you see the WHITE WHALE!”

(CUTTO: GRAVENDER hitting JOHNSON with repeated kicks to the head)

(CUTTO: MAEDA stretching his back on the ropes)

V/O: “This ivory leg is what propels me
Harpoons thrust in the sky
Aim directly for his crooked brow
And look him straight in THE EYE!”

(CUTTO: MAGNUS submitting an opponent with the DESTRUCTO MAGNISSION!)

(CUTTO: ZESTY tossing IMPULSE over the top rope)

V/O: “WHITE! WHALE! HOLY! GRAIL!”

(FLASH CUTTO: All eight tournament participants, the cuts flashing quicker and quicker, shuffling between each image like a deck of cards on fast forward)

(CUTTO: Logo for NLW 2010 KING OF ALL MONSTERS GRAND PRIX!)

RA PALAZZO V/O: “We ARE the Next Level!”
 
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LQJT86C

Where's my money, Chad?
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iii. Prologue plus RECAPS RECAPS RECAPS!

(CUEUP: “Puritania” by Dimmu Borgir)

(FADEIN: Standing in front of the black and white NLW backdrop are BRIAN OBERSTARR and JIMMY MYLDE, dressed in suits because, well…it’s a tournament, and we have to look nice)

OBERSTARR: TONIGHT…we send someone to EYE FOR AN EYE to compete for the NLW World Open Weight Championship. TONIGHT…we crown the KING OF ALL MONSTERS. I’m Brian Oberstarr, with me as always is Jimmy Mylde, and this is a very special edition of Friday Night Vulgar, as it is the first of two one-night tournaments which will decide the inaugural World Champion at Eye for an Eye.

MYLDE: Literally and figuratively, this night is big. BIG, Oberstarr! In my mind, the winner of tonight’s tournament will in fact be the favorite at the PPV, because as my wife, my ex-wife, and an assortment of former concubines can attest- SIZE MATTERS.

OBERSTARR: Is that why they left you?

MYLDE: No, that’s why I have restraining orders out to keep them at bay.

OBERSTARR: I’m counting that toward your nightly dick joke allotment. We only have an hour tonight, so we’ll be recapping the results of the first round before presenting the semi-finals and finals in their entirety.

MYLDE: Kiss our collective ass, internet smarks! You’ll buy the DVD and like it!

OBERSTARR: Yutaka Maeda, the six-five, two hundred eighty pound former Yakuza bodyguard from Tokyo, took on newcomer Dane Lauritsen earlier tonight in what pretty much amounted to a brawl.

MYLDE: You sound surprised? The average weight in this tournament is two hundred and seventy-five pounds. What’d you expect: ballet?

OBERSTARR: A brawl though, is exactly what Maeda wanted, for he is the master at dealing and absorbing punishment. After twelve minutes, Maeda was able to outlast Dane before planting him into a chair with a DDT for the victory.

(CUTTO: MAEDA and LAURITSEN trading punches, before Maeda finally gets the upper hand and sends Lauritsen to the ground)

(CUTTO: MAEDA raising a finger in the air before implant DDTing Lauritsen into a chair, covering for the pinfall victory)

OBERSTARR: Maeda moves on to the semi-finals. We call them monsters for a reason, folks, as our next bout featured the two largest men in NLW, and possibly planet Earth- ‘The Polish War Machine’ HANS NOWAK, and ‘The Baron of Brutality’ himself, MAGNUS DESTRUCTO!

MYLDE: Polish War Machine, eh? He met Magnus’ Panzer tanks with troops on horseback- HE GOT WIPED OUT, BABY!

OBERSTARR: Jimmy, we’re not done here. You just spoiled the match…

MYLDE: It’s a recap, who gives a sh*t?

(CUTTO: NOWAK and MAGNUS colliding at center ring, both stumbling. They collide again- Nowak goes down! Magnus goes for the cover, but no dice)

(CUTTO: MAGNUS lays out Nowak with a spiked bat, but only gets a two count! TERENCE storms the ring, stomping Nowak in the name ‘The Dreaded Devourer’, but Magnus grabs him by the throat and tosses him over the ropes to the outside)

(CUTTO: NOWAK tapping out to the DESTRUCTO-MAGNISSION hyper-extended octopus hold)

OBERSTARR: In the end, the big man from the Carpathian Mountains proved just too much for Poland’s pride, sending Magnus to the second round via submission.

MYLDE: Someone’s yelling in my ear about spoiler alerts. What in the hell is a spoiler alert? I can’t be the only one who doesn’t know this stuff.

OBERSTARR: The next match was a first and, hopefully, a LAST in NLW. ‘Dangerous’ DUKE MACKEY came to the ring expecting a fight, but what he got…was ABSOLUTELY RIPPED.

MYLDE: Oh man, that could mean only one thing.

OBERSTARR: That’s right. ZESTY MORDANT came to the ring wheeling a television set complete with DVD player and the P90X extreme home workout DVDs.

MYLDE: (sighs) Nevermind, I was setting you up for one of those “that’s what she said” jokes.

OBERSTARR: Zesty, completely inebriated following a three-day Wild Turkey binge, decided on a whim to challenge Mackey to a P90X workout.

MYLDE: Really? I must have been on bathroom break. Figures, the one time these cretins do something mildly entertaining…

OBERSTARR: Unfortunately for both men, it didn’t last too long…

(CUTTO: MACKEY and ZESTY in downward dog position, doing some sort of weird ass pushups, finishing each rep by standing up and pressing thirty pound dumbbells. Both men are exhausted, sweating bullets, about to pass out. The timer next to them reads: 45 SECONDS)

ZESTY: They call it f*ckin’ muscle confusion!

MACKEY: I don’t give… (breathing) …two f*cks… (huff) …what they call it. Fight… (huff) me now…

ZESTY: (huff) NO!

MACKEY: (huff) YE-(VOMIT!)

OBERSTARR: HE’S DONE! MACKEY APPEARS TO BE FINISHED!

MYLDE: You’re telling me one of these fat slobs is going to the semis cause he outlasted the other one in a 55 second workout? What a disgrace; I know women who’ve completed this thing.

(ZESTY gets up and makes an ‘X’ with his forearms)

ZESTY: PEE-NINETEEN-EX! Some people don’t believe me when I say I’m good for it, Corey, but you’re my witness. I did this thing, and don’t let nobody tell you otherwise. This whole place is bullsh*t.

(CUTTO: OBERSTARR and MYLDE in front of the NLW backdrop)

MYLDE: You know, I just got done making a joke about not being there, and the first thing you do is show video proof that I in fact, WAS THERE. I mean, you wanna make the jokes now, Oberstarr, and I’LL play straight man?

OBERSTARR: That’s what she said, Jimmy. So it’s on to round two for Zesty Mordant, ‘The Blue Bastard’, leaving us with RORY HENDERSON and VIC GRAVENDER.

(CUTTO: RORY HENDERSON holding VIC GRAVENDER in a Boston crab. Gravender reaches and successfully grabs the ropes, breaking the lock)

(CUTTO: HENDERSON mustering all his strength to pull Gravender over into a half-assed piledriver. He covers for a two count!)

OBERSTARR: Henderson had the early advantage, but in the end Gravender’s athleticism and tenacity proved too much for the Cedars-Sinai patient.

(CUTTO: GRAVENDER leveling Henderson with a back elbow)

(CUTTO: GRAVENDER hitting the top rope headbutt for the three count!)

OBERSTARR: ‘The Watertown Wrecking Ball’ moves on to the second round, and now we have our matchups! Vic Gravender will be taking on Yutaka Maeda, and Zesty Mordant will face Magnus Destructo, with the winners squaring off in the tournament finals!

MYLDE: Oh goody, I can’t wait. It’s long been my professional dream to watch four beached whales dry hump each other on canvas. But hey, at least one of ‘em’s drunk.

OBERSTARR: You know Jimmy, you might want to try a little optimism. And for the record, I’m half-sure that Maeda’s also drunk.

MYLDE: Alright, now we’ve got a party!

OBERSTARR: Stay right there, it’s the NEXT LEVEL!

(CUTTO: STATIC)
 
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LQJT86C

Where's my money, Chad?
Joined
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iv. Liquor and Whores, From Carpathia With Love... (Semis)

(CUTTO: The ring where SIREN is standing mid-ring while Brian Puter paces back and forth in the background. MUSIC UP: “Liquor and Whores” by Bubbles. Zesty Mordant makes his way to the ring, one of the two “B” on his chest torn off, his cape missing, but a fresh jack and coke is in his hand as hits the apron. The crowd jeering Zesty on his way down to the ring.)

SIREN: THIS IS A KING OF THE MOOOOONSTERS…*SEMI* FINAL MATCH!! SCHEDULED FOR ONNNNEEE FALL! IN THE RING FROM THE SUNNYVALE TRAILER PARK IN DARTMOUTH…NOOOOOVAAAAA SCOTIA!!! WEIGHING IN AT TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY THREE POUNDS!! “THE BLLLLLLUUUUUEEE BASTARD!!!” ZESTY!!! MORE!!!! DANT!!!!!!

OBERSTARR: Zesty Mordant, looking a bit worse for the wear now in the ring with a birth to the King of All Monsters finals hanging in the balance.

MYLDE: So you’re hyping the fact this guy has won one round…Man, he’s a step above the little trophy they give kids for showing up…

(CUEUP: “Conquer All” by Behemoth, Magnus Destructo storms towards the ring, not wearing any of his normal crazy gear, but rather only his standard ring gear. He hits the ring and has to be kept at bay by Brian Puter from starting the fight instantly.)

SIREN: AND HIS OPPONENT!! FROM THE CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS!!! WEIGHING IN AT TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY SEVEN POUNDS!! MAGGGGGGNUSSSSS!!!! DDDDDD!!! STRUCCTTTOOOOO!!!

(SIREN quickly flees the ring as Puter calls for the bell and Magnus charges at Zesty!)

OBERSTARR: Magnus bulrushes Zesty and drives him into the corner. Magnus with a series of knees to the ample mid-section of The Blue Bastard and now firing in a series of right hands. Puter telling Magnus to get Zesty out of the corner and he does, whipping Zesty into the opposite corner and follows him with a clothesline!

MYLDE: He’s knocking the Zest out of him, what’s less then Zesty? Tangy? Mild?

OBERSTARR: While you ponder the mysteries of the English language I’ll be busy telling our fans that Magnus now has elevated Mordant and SLAMS him to the mat. Magnus with a cover (One!) is this enough? (Two!) Two and NO!

MYLDE: Normally this lunatic would be all murdering and killing and throwing this guy to the floor and splitting his head open, but even he understands how important it is to get a quick win in a tournament like this…It is amazing what intelligence even a primitive like Magnus has.

OBERSTARR: Magnus gets Zesty to his feet…and a BIG BOOT staggers Mordant into the corner…Magnus now CHOKING THE LIFE OUT OFF MORANT (Camera gets in tight on Magnus’s face as he sticks his tongue out, delighting in the choke as the ref gives a slow 5 count)

MYLDE: It is funny how the ref seems to slack off on this five count whenever Magnus does the corner choke…Seems odd.

OBERSTARR: Magnus breaks the choke at 4 and now cracks Zesty with a right hand and another one…Magnus whips Zesty into the other corner…AVALANCHE BY MAGNUS! MISSED! Zesty out of the way and Magnus gets a face full of turnbuckle!

MYLDE: Zesty moved like was last call and the waitress was walking away without taking his order.

OBERSTARR: Zesty with a bunch of right hands now to the head of Magnus. Zesty now choking out the Baron of Brutality over the top rope…Magnus now just SHOVED to his knees by Zesty who drives an elbow into the lower back of Magnus. Zesty with a stomp to the head and now he goes to his corner and gets himself a drink.

MYLDE: And why not? He’s strung 3 or 4 moves together, why not ease up on your opponent to feed your addiction, he’s not some unstoppable maniac who’s crushed his two opponents so far in NLW…Go ahead, tip one back drunkie.

OBERSTARR: While Jimmy Mylde loses his mind in a rage at Zesty Mordant…Zesty finishes his jack and coke and turns around and FLOORS MAGNUS WITH A CLOTHESLINE! (One!) Zesty hooks the far leg! (Two) Can he hold him?! NO! (Cheers) Zesty gives ref Brian Puter quick refresher course on the finer points of counting to three and now he grabs Magnus and hooks him for a DDT…Magnus fighting it…BACKDROP! NO! Zesty holds on and keeps his balance…AND LANDS THE DDT!!

MYLDE: And with the adding impact of Zesty coming down from the attempted backdrop, that move might have just knocked Magnus out!

OBERSTARR: (One!) Zesty with the cover (Two!) Is he in the finals?! NO!! Magnus again finds a way to keep the match going.

MYLDE: Well of course he’s got gas left in the tank, what with R.A. rigging the draw to give this guy the cupcake matchup of that nobody Hans…Zesty had to earn his way to this point, more than I can say for Destructo.

OBERSTARR: Magnus won his first round match just the same as Zesty.

MYLDE: Oh drop dead, he’s got a cupcake and you know it…Hell I don’t doubt that Hans was paid off to take a dive! The fix was in!

OBERSTARR: Zesty now grabs Magnus and backs him into the corner…Zesty with a series of shoulder blocks to the ribs. Zesty now pulls Magnus out of the corner and SLAMS him…He’s now stomping Magnus in the head….Zesty backs off Magnus, measuring him…No wait, he’s leaving the ring…And he rips a beer away from a girl who’s in the front row!

MYLDE: He learned his lesson from last time, don’t go after the men, they’ll fight back…

OBERSTARR: The Blue Bastard enjoying his tasty beverage…OH MY GOODNESS! THAT FAN JUST MACED HIM! Zesty howling in agony and swinging blindly as he’s trying to get his revenge upon that woman.

MYLDE: Yeah how dare she attack someone after they steal her beer?

OBERSTARR: I don’t know if Zesty is even aware of the count, which is already up to six…(Seven!) Seven now! Zesty’s weird flunkie guy just came out here now with a bottle of water (Eight!) He’s pouring it into Zesty’s eyes trying to get him fixed up (Nine!) Zesty dives into the ring!

MYLDE: I’m stunned he had wits enough to remember to get into the ring. I half thought he’d stumble off with his pal and get drunk.

(Zesty shouts down to Corey “Get me some jack dammit! And some smokes!” Corey sheepishly nods and scampers off.)

OBERSTARR: Zesty demanding his in match provisions, and now he turns around, to see Magnus Destructo standing in front of…The two men trading punches now! Both men stagger, they bounce off the ropes…DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE AND BOTH MEN ARE DOWN!

MYLDE: I’d be fine with a double knock-out here, let the winner of the other semi-final win the whole thing, hell, we’d be out of here early, R.A. isn’t paying me by the hour you know.

OBERSTARR: And for that reason ref Brian Puter isn’t giving a 10 count, he knows this match MUST have a winner…Both men slowly getting to their feet (Crowd clapping, yelling, “Magnus!” chant starts!)

MYLDE: Oh the mutant is back out with booze…Great…

OBERSTARR: Corey back out with another jack and coke for Zesty meanwhile in the ring Zesty is back to his feet first…He grabs Magnus and now he’s got him up…Airplane spin by Zesty…And around and around they go…

MYLDE: Man that move was groundbreaking back in the 1920’s…I can’t believe somebody is using it now.

OBERSTARR: Zesty dumps Magnus to the ground and now he’s staggering to his corner…And he just accidentally kicked his drink and spilled it all over the floor (“DAMMIT!! COREY GET ME ANOTHER DRINK!”)

MYLDE: Poor guy…How can somebody wrestle without a constant stream of booze?

OBERSTARR: Zesty now in a fit of rage just threw that glass on the mat shattering it…Puter now yelling at Zesty about having broken glass in the ring. Puter trying to clean that glass out of the ring…MAGNUS WITH A CLOTHESLINE TO THE BACK OF ZESTY’S HEAD! Zesty hits the top rope throat first and staggers back into a double-axe handle to the back of his head! Zesty still on his feet hits the ropes and staggers into Magnus again…MAGNUS GETS HIM UP!!! DESTRUCTO BOMB!! HE HIT IT!!!

MYLDE: I can’t believe he got that tub of guts up!

OBERSTARR: Zesty landed in that broken glass that he ended up putting there…Magnus with the cover…(One!) Leg Hooked! (Two!) Is it enough?! (Three!) MAGNUS IS IN THE FINALS!

(Bell rings: “Conquer All” by Behemoth plays as the crowd pops big. Magnus rises to his feet, arms raised in victory!)

SIREN: HERE IS YOUR WINNNNNEERR!!! MAGNUS!!! DEEEEE!!! STRUCCCCCCC!!!! TOEE!!!!!!!!

OBERSTARR: Magnus now in the King of All Monsters finals, who will be his opponent, we will find out next!

(CUTTO: STATIC)
 
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LQJT86C

Where's my money, Chad?
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v. US: Bukkake YOU: Girl (Semis)

(CUTTO: The entrance way, where YUTAKA MAEDA is making his way to the ring, drawing jeers from the crowd. Maeda in his normal black trunks, knee pads and ring boots, the crowd boos him as steps over the top rope into the ring while “Wild Things” by the Troggs playing over the PA.)

SIREN: THE FOLLOWING…IS A SEMI FINAL MATCH…IN THE *KING* OF ALL MONSTERS TOURNAMENT…INTRODUCING FIRST…FROM TOKYO, JAPAN…WEIGHING IN AT TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY POUNDS…YU!! TAKA!!! MAAAAEEEDDDAAAAA!!!!!

OBERSTARR: Yutaka Maeda now waiting for his opponent…And the right to go to the finals and face Magnus Destructo in the finals of the King of all Monsters tournament.

MYLDE: And he’s got the fattest piece of trash in the company to get through.

(CUEUP: “The Wall” by Heet Mob. The crowd pops as VIC GRAVENDER makes his way to the ring. Gravender power walks to the ring in his black long tights, black ring boots and a sleeveless black T-Shirt. His hands taped up in the mismatched black/white color scheme.)

SIREN: AND HIIIIISSSSSSS OPPONENT!! FROM WATERTOWN NEW YORK!!! (Pop!) WEIGHTING IN AT FOUR HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS….”THE WATERCITY WRRRRECKING BALLLL!!!! VIIIICCCCCC!! GRRRRAVVVVEENNNNDERRRR!!!!

(Ref Dennis Coates calls for the bell as SIREN gets out of the ring and the match is underway.)

OBERSTARR: Maeda seldom would be at a size disadvantage but here he’s giving up nearly 200 pounds to the Watercity Wrecking Ball…Maeda sidesteps a rush from Gravender and lands a couple of crisp right hands to the chin…Gravender staggering and gets sent stumbling back into the corner with a hard forearm to the face…

MYLDE: Not often you’re gonna see Maeda decide not to engage anyone in a test of strength, but I guess even he decided not to try to test his luck against the wall of fat that is Gravender.

OBERSTARR: Maeda content to let Gravender back out of the corner…And this time they do lock up…Maeda quickly gets a wristlock and turns it into a hammerlock…Gravender catches Maeda with a back elbow and another shot breaks the hold….Gravender off the ropes and JUST FLOORS Maeda with a shoulderblock!

MYLDE: Seeing a nearly three hundred pound man sent off his feet with that much force…Well really this is clearly the “King of all Monsters tournament”…Well of the fat slobs at the very least…

OBERSTARR: Maeda now getting back to his feet and Gravender all over him with big rights…Gravender elevates and SLAMS Maeda like he was a ragdoll! Gravender off the ropes…ELEVATES AND DRIVES AN ELBOW INTO THE RIBS OF MAEDA…Gravender with a quick cover (One!) pressing that 450 on (Two!) Maeda…NO! Gravender now gets Maeda into a seated position and puts a knee in his back and now wrenching back on Maeda’s chin with his hands…

MYLDE: A big boy like this gets his hands on you he’s going to hurt you…

OBERSTARR: Maeda reaching back at Gravender’s leg that’s buried into his back…Maeda turns into Gravender and gets that leg extended, he’s trying for a heel hook! Gravender quickly pulls his leg feet and backs off. Both men get to their feet and begin circling each other.

MYLDE: A pin’s only three seconds but the big boy just found out he can get a submission slapped on him just as fast if not faster.

OBERSTARR: Maeda again trying to keep Gravendar at distance with his jab…Gravendar fires back with a kick to the gut that caught Maeda off guard. Gravendar now with a DROPKICK from out of nowhere taking Maeda down!

MYLDE: What? It’s not just right having a nearly 500 pound man throwing dropkicks, I want this guy to be tested for drugs, yesterday!

OBERSTARR: Gravendar now drops Maeda with a right hand…Maeda sitting in the corner…Gravendar charges across the ring…RUNNING HIP ATTACK! (Pop!) Maeda crumples to the mat…Gravendar pulls him out to the middle of the ring and a cover! (One!) Leg hooked! (Two!) Gravender in the finals? NO! Maeda gets out at two!

MYLDE: It’s a bit of working getting nearly a quarter ton of beef off your chest when you got this guy laying on top of you.

OBERSTARR: Gravender now gets a reverse chinlock in on Maeda, and Gravender himself is practically laying on the mat…He’s really putting those pounds to good use trying to crush Maeda under his massive girth.

MYLDE: Yeah for most guys this would just be a hold to wear somebody down, this guy could just about kill somebody with a friggin’ headlock.

OBERSTARR: Maeda not even trying to fight to his feet from this hold but rather he scoots his way over to the ropes and gets a break.

MYLDE: Maeda might be in the tournament with the drugs and the lunatics, but he does have a brain…Might be the only one that does out of these 8 buffoons.

OBERSTARR: Dennis Coates letting Maeda know he’s got to break the hold and The Watertown Wrecking ball finally lets go at four…He backs off and lets Maeda get to his feet…Gravendar charges…MAEDA WITH A LOW BRIDGE AND GRAVENDER IS SENT FLYING OVER THE TOP TO THE FLOOR! HE HIT HARD!

MYLDE: Can a guy his size fall and land softly? I’m surprised we’re not all buried under the rubble of the Hammerstein ballroom due to him causing an earthquake…Oh and for the record if anyone wants to give me some relief from my credit problems they can text 13451 and donate 10 bucks to the Jimmy Mylde fund. I might even give some of it to Haiti.

OBERSTARR: While my partner tries to make himself a quick buck, Coates is up to 4 on his count…Maeda clearly wouldn’t have any problems taking a count out victory, because all that matters (Five!) is getting to the finals of the King of all Monsters tournament and to have (Six!) That shot at the NLW Open Weight Championship. Gravender up and now leaning on the apron (Seven!) Maeda of the ropes…BASEBALL SLIDE TO THE FACE OF GRAVENDER LAYS HIM BACK OUT!

MYLDE: Maeda knew this blubberbutt was going to make it back into the ring so he just laid him out again…He’s got the best gameplan out of anyone in this tournament…Of course it’s like beating a bunch of lobotomy victims in an IQ test.

OBERSTARR: Maeda now goes to the floor, he puts a couple kicks to the ribs of Gravender and now grabs him and…ELEVATES HIM…DROPS HIM THROAT FIRST INTO THE RAILING!

MYLDE: He didn’t have to get him very high for that, just high enough to be able to ease his fall into that steel railing.

OBERSTARR: Maeda taking his time now waiting for Gravender to get up, we have to have a winner here so Coates isn’t bothering with a count-out while both men are outside the ring.

MYLDE: Yeah just make up the rules while you go along…It’s OK, no really just defend the ref for not doing his job.

OBERSTARR: Maeda now grabs Gravender and gets him up…GRAVENDER WHIPPED INTO THE RINGSTEPS! OH LORD THE TOP STEPS BROKE OFF AND HIT THE RAILING!

MYLDE: I know our tickets say we’re not at fault if something were to fly into the crowd, but I tend to think a good lawyer would have bankrupted us had those steps gotten a little more air under them. On a side note I think Gravender is dead.

OBERSTARR: Maeda rolls back into the ring and he quickly just sits down in the far corner away from Gravender and lets Coats get to his count (Three!) We’re up to three already…(Four!) Gravender hasn’t moved since he hit those steps, he might (Five!) have hit them face first.

MYLDE: I didn’t say he was dead for no reason Oberstarr. (Six!)

OBERSTARR: He’s clearly breathing (Seven!) but he’s only got three more seconds to beat this count (Eight!) He’s getting up…Gravendar almost to his feet (Nine!)…WILL HE MAKE IT IN?! YES! GRAVENDER BEATS THE COUNT! (Pop!)

MYLDE: Bah, get back on him Yutaka…Sweep the leg!

OBERSTARR: You only date yourself with every word you say Jimmy. Maeda stomping away on the Watercity Wrecking Ball as he is tries to get to his feet…Gravendar fighting to stand and now being punched and kicked from all angles by Maeda, who is not going to show any mercy at all here..Gravendar whipped to the ropes…back elbow by Maeda staggers…Gravender…RUNNING KNEE STRIKE TO THE SIDE OF THE HEAD BY MAEDA! He drops for a cover (One!) Hooks the far leg (Two!) Is he in the finals?! NO! (Pop!)

MYLDE: The big boy sure isn’t going out quietly. He’s going to make Maeda earn every bit of this match.

OBERSTARR: Maeda now gets up, and he gives the cut throat sign…He has to be kidding if he thinks he’s going to Thunder Fire Bomb a 450 pound man.

MYLDE: I don’t doubt Maeda, I don’t know why you’re doubting him.

OBERSTARR: Maeda locks up Gravender…HE GETS HIM UP…NO! GRAVENDER FALLS ON HIM!!! MAEDA CRUSHED!! (One!) GRAVENDER ON TOP (Two!) HE’S IN THE FINALS!! NO!! (Groans!) Are you KIDDING me?! How did Maeda manage to escape that?!

MYLDE: I have no idea…I thought he had been crushed flatter then a pancake.

OBERSTARR: Maeda just somehow got the shoulder up to stay in this match. Both men down, and it’s really hard to say who’s worse off. Gravender getting to his feet first as Maeda using the ropes to pull himself up…Maeda staggers toward Gravender who meets him with a series of right hands to the chin and a BIG forearm drops Maeda to one knee…Gravender now grabs Maeda by the head…BIG HEADBUTT! Maeda on rubber legs as he takes ANOTHER HEADBUTT and goes crashing to the mat…Gravender gets him back up…BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX! HE COVERS!! (One!) IS THIS GRAVENDER (Two! ) IN THE FINALS?! NO!!! OH THAT WAS CLOSE!

MYLDE: Yeah but that don’t get you anything in this business, hell don’t get you much in any business really, come to think of it.

OBERSTARR: Horseshoes and hand grenades Jimmy, that’s what you’re looking for. Gravender now back up and he drops a series of elbows into the chest of Maeda and now the big man is going to the outside…

MYLDE: Oh dear lord, he’ll break the ring!

OBERSTARR: He’s up top…DIVING HEAD BUTT! NOBODY HOME!!

MYLDE: He looks like a beached whale!

OBERSTARR: Gravender landed nearly face first on the mat there...He’s not moving as Maeda now getting up to his feet…He’s waiting on Gravender to get up…Gravender looks totally out of it as he stands…AND GETS BLASTED WITH A YAZUKA KICK!! MAEDA WITH THE COVER!! (One!) HE HOOKS THE FAR (Two!) LEG!! IS IT ENOUGH?! (Three!) YES IT IS!

(Bell. Crowd buzzing, some stunned as Maeda slumps off Gravender and tries to collect his wits as “Wild Thing” by the Troggs plays over the PA)

SIREN: HERE IS YOUR WIIIIIINNNNNEERRRRRRRR…YU!! TA!! KA!! MAAAA!!!! EEEEEEE!!!! DAAAAA!!!!

OBERSTARR: Gravender went for the high risk and it backfired and Maeda has taken advantage of it to get himself into the finals, and a chance for revenge as he fights Magnus Destructo for the right to be declared the King of All Monsters..

MYLDE: You know I have to root for Maeda, he’s the only one in the field who has a clue about this sport, to hell with Magnus.

OBERSTARR: The King of All Monsters Finals is coming up…NEXT!

(CUTTO: STATIC)
 
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LQJT86C

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vi. FINALS (Part I)

“I’ve never seen anything like this!”

(CUTTO: Backstage- YUTAKA MAEDA plasters MAGNUS DESTRUCTO with a big right hand, sending him into a wall. Magnus turns to regain composure, but Maeda is unrelenting. He picks up a trash can and brings it crashing down on Magnus’ back)

OBERSTARR: If you’re at a loss for words, you’re not alone- SO ARE WE! Apparently, Maeda went- OOOH! BIG ELBOW TO THE FOREHEAD OF MAGNUS; IT MIGHT’VE OPENED HIM!

MYLDE: Hey idiots, watch the spread! I haven’t eaten yet…

OBERSTARR: Apparently, Yutaka Maeda ignored ALL instruction and went straight to the locker room of Magnus, taking him by complete surprise prior to the tournament final! He’s incensed, looking to avenge his previous loss and become the King of All Monsters!

MYLDE: Incensed, huh? I suppose that’s legal here too?

OBERSTARR: Wait a minute, here comes Dulak the Defiler…Golommach too! They grab Maeda by the arms- Dominatra Bozoth steps in and takes aim…but he shakes them both off and catches her leg before it hits his groin! OH MY! HE CLOTESLINED A WOMAN! HE JUST CLOTHESLINED A WOMAN!

MYLDE: Exhilirating, ain’t it?

OBERSTARR: Golommach and Dulak are back up, and they get leveled back down! Here’s Magnus, once more, LEFTS, RIGHTS, it’s a brawl! It’s a g*ddamn brawl!

MYLDE: Quick! Somebody tell Sam and Frodo to toss that ring into the fires of Mt. Doom before Golommach and Dulak take over The Shire! Ahh, that was forced wasn’t it?

OBERSTARR: Extremely. Maeda rocks Magnus with a forearm to the temple…Magnus stumbling back. Charging forward is Maeda, but Magnus takes his momentum and sends the Tokyo native FLYING into the sandwich display!

MYLDE: What’d I say, huh? WHAT’D I SAY!

OBERSTARR: Magnus picks up the long table overhead…

MYLDE: WHAT FEATS OF STRENGTH!

OBERSTARR: …and brings it down on Maeda! Maeda’s crawling, Magnus with a stomp! Maeda STILL crawling- ANOTHER stomp! Wait, what’s this…Maeda’s reaching into…into his…

MAGNUS: MRAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

MYLDE: The hell was that, Sea salt?

OBERSTARR: Sea salt ain’t powder, Jimmy, THAT WAS POWDER! And for Magnus’ sake, let’s hope it’s not the kind of powder that requires immediate medical attention! Excuse my French, but HE CAN’T SEE SH*T!

MYLDE: That’s it Oberstarr, take off the granny panties and lace up those work boots; you’re finally talking like a man!

OBERSTARR: Magnus is swinging at nothing, Jimmy…HE’S SWINGING AT THE DAMN AIR!

MAGNUS: DIE, WORM!

(SFX: THUD!)

OBERSTARR: For the love of Carpathia, he just nailed Dominatra Bozoth in the forehead!

MYLDE: Hey, she’s been nailed everywhere else, why not the forehead?

OBERSTARR: Magnus hooking those arms at everything in his way- his minions are ducking, bobbing, weaving, heaving…heaving?...heaving! MAEDA NAILS THEM BOTH WITH ELBOWS! Magnus knows he’s close, but he swings and misses!

(Maeda backs up, carefully, watching Magnus like plates watching a bull from outside the china shop. He kneels down next to a garbage can, tipping it over to scavenge quietly. Still watching, he pulls out a long fluorescent light bulb)

OBERSTARR: Damn it, this isn’t wrestling! THIS ISN’T WRESTLING! LOOK OUT!

(SFX: SMASH!)

OBERSTARR: RIGHT ACROSS THE BACK OF MAGNUS’ HEAD! All you see is a white cloud, blood…all Magnus sees is NOTHING! HE’S STILL BLIND!

MYLDE: He’s gonna have to Van Dam it.

OBERSTARR: Maeda just opened one of the side doors. He takes a still disoriented Magnus, and delivers an uppercut! By the wrist now, Maeda irish whips him into the closed door! Magnus stumbles, and Maeda kicks him out the open one! Magnus is outside, and Maeda just shut the door! That’s not in the script, damn it!

MYLDE: Did you just say ‘script’?

OBERSTARR: Yes I did, and THAT’S NOT IN IT.

MYLDE: Great, now they know it’s a work.

OBERSTARR: Where is Maeda GOING? HE’S LEAVING! He ditched Magnus behind the exit door, and now he’s walking off…somewhere!

MYLDE: Smartest thing he did all day. That’s right, leave this dump; I’m with you pal!

(CUTTO: Overview of a packed out Hammerstein Ballroom. The crowd sits in stunned silence, awaiting the main event. Some are booing, some chant ‘REFUND’, some chant ‘BULLSH*T’, other stir…but no one leaves)

OBERSTARR: Take a look at out crowd, and I’m not sure a single one of them knows what just went on!

MYLDE: Why would they? We’re too cheap to invest in a big screen. Come on Palazzo, let’s get a NEXT-LEVEL-TRON or something.

(CUEUP: ‘Wild Thing’ by The Troggs)

(SFX: HUGE POP! It’s not for the entrance, but the mere fact that the main event has commenced)

(The curtain WHISKS OPEN and out comes YUTAKA MAEDA, bleached blonde hair stained red from the cuts on his forehead, opened up only moments earlier. He’s got madness in his eyes, walking disheveled not from fatigue but berserk energy coursing through him from battle. Sometime before his attack on Magnus, the Japanese War Gods must have pissed down his throat a potent stream of ancient samurai fury…or maybe he’s drunk off hot sake. Either way, you can read it on a man’s face when he’s not to be f*cked with and on this night, Maeda is a man not to be f*cked with)

SIREN: (clears throat) Without further ado…THE MAIN EVENT! First up, he haaaailllss hrm- from TOKYO JAPAN! SIX…FOOT…FIVE HE STANDS! HIS WEIGHT- TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY POUNDS! HMMMM-YUTAKA! YUTAKA! YUTAKAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! YUTAKAAAAAAAAA MAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEE……DDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

MYLDE: No you dumb broad, it’s done! It’s all done! Magnus isn’t here!

(The fans begin to cool toward Maeda, seeing as though something’s clearly up with him. He steps through the ropes and immediately rips the mic from Siren)

MAEDA: YOU’RE ALL GARBAGE, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!

(BOOS)

OBERSTARR: What is WRONG with Yutaka Maeda? I’ve met the man on numerous occasions, and not once did he strike me as bitter, hostile, or well…INSANE.

MYLDE: Let’s tell it like it is, Oberstarr- the Jap JAP’D Magnus, plain and simple. He JAP’D him!

MAEDA: This COMPANY is garbage, this ARENA is garbage, this CITY is garbage, and if you think that cross between the KISS Demon and the bass player from GWAR is gonna come down here and shut me up…THINK AGAIN!

(BOOS and chants of “YOU-SEE-SIDE-WAYS!”)

MAEDA: ANY MAN wants to come down and test me, let him, and I’ll carve out his skull like I did to Magnus! That’s correct; I showed him what SPIRIT and being a WARRIOR is all about, and he’s never coming back, EVER! Damn that KISS Demon and DAMN ALL OF YOU TOO! (BOOS) What, are you SHOCKED? Hmm? Are you SHOCKED I speak good English? Did you expect me to sound like a f*cking Samurai? YOSH! YOSSSSSHHHHH! I COME FOR-A MAGNOOOOSE! WHERE IZZZ-A MAGNOOOOOSE! HE IZ-A-GAH-BAGE! YOU ARE-A-GAH-BAGE! Huh? Is that what you wanted? F*ck you. Go home, watch the same five animes you always watch to stereotype our culture, and make sure you remember how I destroyed your hero to become the KING OF ALL MONSTERS!

MYLDE: So he wins?

OBERSTARR: This might have to be ruled a no-contest. Which, in effect, would throw the upcoming Golden Boy Grand Prix into flux, because we’d have to air a re-match. Air time is precious, and we’re almost out of time as it is. This might have to be done untelevised!

MYLDE: Why am I not working at NFW or EPW right now? WHOSE ASS DIDN’T I KISS!

(Crowd is stirring, p*ssed off, yelling, pelting Maeda with garbage, until NLW Owner RA PALAZZO power walks down the aisle to the ring. He doesn’t look too thrilled himself)

OBERSTARR: Now Palazzo’s out here, hopefully to restore some order or lay the groundwork or…jeez I’m lost for words, this is a mess.

MYLDE: He forgot to mail the check, didn’t he? Was he paying Maeda in yen?

(Visibly p*ssed, Palazzo grabs the mic from Maeda)

PALAZZO: Don’t be a f*ckin’ clown, Maeda. I had people in the back telling me you blinded Magnus or some sh*t? Look, Gravender’s sprained his knee, so he can’t step in. We asked Zesty step in too, but he’s passed out drunk- he can’t wrestle either. And I’m not about to hand the main event to one of the four clowns who got firsted, so here’s how it’s going down. I’ve got paramedics and other staff on the lookout for Magnus, ready to treat his eyesight. I’m giving him TWENTY MINUTES to get down here and wrestle for the big trophy over there at ringside. If he can’t get down in here in twenty, then congrats to Maeda, ‘cause he’s your f*ckin’ winner. I’m not rescheduling and gumming up the works for everybody else. The show must go on, and we must have a winner TO-NIGHT. TWENTY MINUTES Magnus, get your ass down here. For the rest of you, consider it intermission.

(BIG collective “AWWW! BOOOOOOO!” from the crowd. New chant: “WE-WANT-RE-FUNDS!”)

OBERSTARR: There you have it, the boss has spoken, and we WILL have finality, one way or another.

MYLDE: You think our audience knows what ‘finality’ means? For the lay-man out there, we’re declaring a winner.

OBERSTARR: Thank you, Jimmy. And now I’m being told we have video feed on Magnus’ whereabouts. Can we get a look at that?

(CUTTO: A bloodied up MAGNUS DESTRUCTO sits against the wall of a small room with a bandana tied around his face, covering his eyes. In his divine presence are a circus troupe, including the a BEARDED WOMAN, JUGGLER, CLOWNS, STRONGMAN, and of course, THE RINGLEADER)

OBERSTARR: Oh my, it looks as if he’s stumbled into the building next door, where the circus is in town! Let’s listen in…

MAGNUS: HOW CAN I KILL HIM IF I CANNOT SEE?!

RINGLEADER: Hmm, well, about that. We may be able to assist you, Mr. Magnus. Have you ever heard of a ‘Seeing Eye Russian Bear’?

MAGNUS: OF COURSE I HAVE NOT! ENLIGHTEN ME, MAGGOT, BEFORE I CAST YOU INTO THE ETERNAL FIRES OF LAKE BALBEROTH!

RINGLEADER: Ouch. Well it’s sort of like a Seeing Eye dog, except it’s…a Russian bear. But a trained Russian bear! As a matter of fact I trained him myself! He’s well behaved, and could take you anywhere you wish to go.

MYLDE: Nope. Not selling it. I know what’s about to happen, and I ain’t giving it the Mylde Seal of Approval. Sorry.

OBERSTARR: Alright Jimmy, calm down.

MYLDE: You calm down. I’m not selling Magnus on a bear.

OBERSTARR: (sighs) We’ve gotta go to commercial. When we come back- THE FINALE!

(FADEOUT)
 
Last edited:

LQJT86C

Where's my money, Chad?
Joined
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vii. ALI$HA

(FADEIN: Blonde little white girl in slutty clothing, dancing on top of a bar with a bunch of Puerto Rican and black dudes. She drops on her knees while they pour Goldschlager all over her chest)

V/O: ALI$HA, THE NEW ALBUM! “PIECE IN THE MIDDLE YEAST” featuring chart toppers like…’MY SISTER’S ID!’

(CUTTO: ALI$HA in front of a bar, smiling as some idiot bouncer accepts her ID without question, letting her into the club)

LYRICS V/O: “My sister’s ID, gave me H…I…V!
Gets me my shots and my Long Island Iced Tea!
I’m not a virgin, I’m not a tease
I popped my cherry on a bicycle seat!”

V/O: …and OTHER HITS like ‘MY P*SSY IS AN ATM MACHINE!’

(CUTTO: ALI$HA getting banged from behind while pressing her hands against an ATM machine)

LYRICS V/O: “My p-p-p*ssy is an ATM machine
You wanna push my buttons then you gotta pay the fee!
Your veiny penis is an ATM machine
I’m suckin’ out them twenties like I’m suckin’ Twinkie cream!”

V/O: And of course…her NEW hit single, ‘OOPSIE I’M PREGNANT!’

(CUTTO: ALI$HA rolling around in her bed naked but for a Lakers jersey. She’s reading from an issue of “Tiger Beat”)

LYRICS V/O: “Fifteen years old, did a gangbang with the Lakers
They want a screamer, they don’t want none of these fakers
Now I’m pregnant and I don’t know who’s the daddy
Some Laker boy’s gonna be buyin’ my first caddy
Is it Kobe, is it Fisher, is it Odom, is it Bynum?
Who shot their purple and their gold in my vagina?
You know Ron Artest, he ran me the hardest
But it was Pau Gasol that had his ring inside my (SHUT UP!)
Luke Walton’s father Bill, shoulda had me on the pill
Coach Jackson Phil’d me with the liquid 10-time action”

(CUTTO: ALI$HA’s album cover, with her on a giant bicycle after a ramp landing, mouth ajar, red blood stain ringed around the front of her shorts)

V/O: ALI$HA! “PIECE IN THE MIDDLE YEAST!” IN STORES NOW!

(FADEOUT)
 
Last edited:

LQJT86C

Where's my money, Chad?
Joined
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viii. FINALS (Part II)

(FADEIN: The ring, where RA PALAZZO stands next to YUTAKA MAEDA holding a 27-inch silver trophy with ribbons hanging from the top. It’s the KING OF ALL MONSTERS 1st place trophy. He’s looking down at his watch- just another minute or so before Maeda’s win goes into the record books)

CROWD: “WE-WANT-MAG-NUS!” clap-clap-clapclapclap “WE-WANT-MAG-NUS!”

OBERSTARR: We’re back, and still no Magnus! It seems the ‘Dreaded Devourer’ really has been put out of commission, at least for tonight, and these fans are none the happier.

MYLDE: I’d say we’re at sub-riot level right about now.

OBERSTARR: We have Strawberry B!tch standing by with one angry fan. Take it away Strawberry!

(CUTTO: STRAWBERRY B!TCH, red hair flowing over Double-D breasts which pop out from a strategically buttoned pink shirt. She’s got a microphone and is standing next to a short, scrawny little fan with messed up blonde hair and a white ‘HORNET SPLASH!’ t-shirt featuring a cropped photo of Hornet splashing some poor bastard. This particular shirt is pretty haggard; I’d say even Salvation Army quality)

StrB!TCH: Thanks guys! I’m here with local fan BEN HALKUM, who says he’s angry with tonight’s turn of events. Ben, how are you feeling right now?

HALKUM: I’M ANGREEEE AT THEEZ TURN OF EVENTSH! IT WAS SHO AWESHOME, MY MOM PACKED MY GRILLED CHEEZHE SHANDWICHESH AND I ATE ‘EM BEFORE THE SHOW, AND I TOLD MY FRIENDSH TO WATCHSH ME ON THE TV TAPINGSH AND NOW THERE’SH NO MAGNUSH!!!!!! SHO YEAH I’M ANGRY AND I-(she abruptly pulls the mic away)

StrB!TCH: Back to you, guys!

MYLDE: Did you see that? The kid was pitching a tent, Oberstarr!

OBERSTARR: There’s some stirring in the ring, and I THINK Magnus’ time may have run out OFFICIALLY!

(CUTTO: The ring once again, this time Palazzo has a mic. Maeda has his arms folded, brass knuckles clearly around one hand)

PALAZZO: At this time, I’d like to call an official end to this match, declaring the winner by FORFEIT…YUTAKA MAEDA!

(Maeda raises one arm, turning to each section of a crowd that’s booing HARD! A cup of soda hits his head, soaking his blonde hair. More garbage hits the ring, and the booing only gets louder)

PALAZZO: With this trophy, you are declared the KING OF ALL MONSTERS and have earned a spot in the NLW World Open Weight Championship match at ‘Eye for an Eye’.

(Palazzo hands the trophy off to Maeda, but is swiftly interrupted…)

OBERSTARR: Uh oh, looks like a fan has jumped the railing, and is attempting to get into the ring!

MYLDE: With this Mickey Mouse security crew, I’m not surprised. That’s the third consecutive show.

(With his mullet flying through the air, TERENCE has indeed jumped the guardrail and is now on the apron. Maeda hands the trophy back to Palazzo and swiftly hammers Terence in the skull with those brass knuckles. Terence drops down on the apron, but refuses to let down of the ropes, which he’s grasping with both hands. Maeda fires away with more shots- THUD! THUD! THUD! Another one! ANOTHER one! Terence is bleeding all over his King Diamong t-shirt! One more shot, and FINALLY he lets go and drops to the outside)

OBERSTARR: This place is rioting! The fans literally won’t let Maeda accept the trophy, but he’s going to anyhow, and will be proclaimed KING OF ALL MONS-(interruption!)

(CUEUP: ‘Conquer All’ by Behemoth)

(SFX: Crowd goes NUTS! Insane pop!)

OBERSTARR: NO! NO WAY IT’S HIM! I’M MARKING OUT JIMMY! I’M MARKING THE HELL OUT!

CROWD: “MAAAAAGNUS-GONNNNA-KILLLLL-YOUUUUUUU! MAAAAAGNUS-GONNNNA-KILLLLLL-YOUUUUUUUUU!”

(CUTTO: The entrance, where the curtains slowly open. At first, all we are huge brown paws, then an animal head, and…huh? OH SH*T! It’s Magnus saddled atop a gigantic circus trained Russian grizzly bear, like the one we were hearing about before! The crowd grows to a fever pitch as they see him swaying each way, trying to hold his balance on this great beast while a bandana is wrapped around his temporarily useless eyes)

MYLDE: Alright, I quit. Goodnight. Tood-a-loo. Adios. I’ll tell you what Jimmy Mylde’s NOT gonna do; he’s NOT gonna sit here and call it like he sees it while some heavy metal degenerate thumbs a ride on a circus bear, who by the way is walking at about two freaking miles per hour to the ring, and pretend like everything’s fine, everything’s OK. Because the truth is, Oberstarr, it’s not OK to do things like this. We’re civilized people, at least I am, and we live in civilized society, and stuff like this is not supposed to happen in civilized society.

OBERSTARR: Oh it’s happening Jimmy, IT’S HAPPENING! And in about, um, well, whenever the Russian Bear makes it there, Magnus is going to climb in that ring, and we’ll have a main event!

MYLDE: That’s IF Palazzo allows it.

(Maeda is wild eyed, with his hands on his knees, beckoning Magnus with a single finger. Maeda sees Magnus wants a war, and he’s prepared to give him one; this time he won’t be getting up)

(Camera cuts back to Magnus on the Russian bear, who haven’t even made it halfway through the aisle yet. He’s swaying, he’s riding, the fans are cheering, and yeah…)

MYLDE: COME ON you son of a b*tch! Move faster! I can’t be here all night! Get that thing moving, damn you!

(Russian bear walking ever slowly)

MYLDE: MOVE IT! STOP F*CKING AROUND MAGNUS, JUST RUN IT IF YOU HAVE TO!

(Russian bear stops for a breath and begins panting)

MYLDE: What, what, he’s stopping now? This bear is TIRED? I’M TIRED! I’m tired of being paid to sell this bullsh*t. It’s crap, baby, crap! You hear that Magnus? You’re crap, and that bear is crap too!

(Camera ZOOMS IN on the tired eyes of the Russian bear)

MYLDE: Real funny, guys. You’ve got about three seconds to zoom out from that bear’s eyes, or I’m leaving the set. I’m dead serious, don’t you do this to me.

(Camera ZOOMS OUT from the tired eyes of the Russian bear)

MYLDE: Yeah, that’s what I thought. This place would collapse without me- COLLAPSE!

(Russian bear comes ever close to the ring)

MYLDE: I’m gonna call Ted Nugent to shoot this f*cking bear, I swear to Christ.

OBERSTARR: Are you done?

MYLDE: I’m done.

OBERSTARR: Alright, Magnus has arrived at the ring, and we may have a fight on our hands!

PALAZZO: Whoa whoa whoa, hold on a second. I declared Maeda the winner already, it’s over. But you people…you can override me. Are you cool with me undeclaring Maeda’s victory? (CHEERS!) You wanna see a f*ckin’ match? (LOUDER CHEERS!) Let’s do it- you two are on NOW!

OBERSTARR: MAGNUS! MAEDA! TROPHY AND A TRIP TO THE TITLE MATCH, ON-THE-LINE!

MYLDE: Not so fast, Magnus is still blind. It’s basically a handi-cap match.

(Surprisingly, Maeda actually lets Magnus in the ring. Magnus swings at thin air, and Maeda counters with brass knucks to the head. Magnus stumbles, but regains footing and throws another punch that misses)

OBERSTARR: Maeda creeps around Magnus like a hyena, like a SNAKE! Magnus still can’t find him, and here’s a quick running axe handle smash from Maeda! Maeda throws a knee to the midsection, but now Magnus delivers an elbow that sends Maeda to the floor! And Maeda swiftly rolls to the outside of the ring! Magnus is swinging, he thinks Maeda’s still there!

MYLDE: The Jap knows what he’s doing; if he can keep Magnus guessing, he’ll take this match no problem!

OBERSTARR: Quietly, Maeda creeps back into the ring. Fans are yelling to Magnus, yelling ‘to your left!’ ‘To your right!’ But too many conflicting voices have him confused as ever. OH MY! DISCUS ELBOW SMASH! And that sends Magnus reeling, but not down! Can you believe this man’s resiliency? I can’t! He swing- misses AGAIN! Maeda circling, Magnus grabbing in all directions.

RANDOM FAN: “USE THE FORCE!”

OBERSTARR: Hold on, Magnus has his back to the ropes. He seems to be feeling his way to…to the…yes! To the turnbuckle, and he stays put! Now Maeda has to attack! Or does he?

MYLDE: Stupid, stupid move. You never put yourself in the corner during a fight, NEVER! Magnus is as good as dead.

OBERSTARR: Maeda carefully lining up his opponent. Does he rush in with the big impact blow, or does he tenderize Magnus with shots? He might want to engage him with punches; go for the sure thing.

MYLDE: No you kamikaze bastard, DON’T DO IT!

OBERSTARR: HE’S RUSHING IN! CLOTHESLINE! NO! MAGNUS HEARD HIM AND MOVED- MAEDA SMACKS HIS CHEST OFF THE TURNBUCKLES!

MYLDE: STUPID STUPID STUPID!

OBERSTARR: MAGNUS GRABS HIM FROM BEHIND! YES! YES! DESTRUCTO MAGNISSION! DESTRUCTO MAGNISSION! HERE COMES THE REF! MAGNUS PINS MAEDA’S KNEES TO HIS SHOULDERS! THE COUNT…!

CROWD: “OOOOOONNNNEEE!!!!!

TWWWOOOOOOO!!!!!

THRRRREEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

(SFX: Bell rings)

OBERSTARR: HE DID IT! DESPITE BEING AMBUSHED, DESPITE BEING BLINDED, MAGNUS DESTRUCTO DEFEATED YUTAKA MAEDA TO BECOME THE KING OF ALL MONSTERS!

SIREN: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRREEEEEE IZZZZZ YOUR WINNNNNEEEERRRRRRRR! AAAAAAAAAND KING OF ALL MONSTEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRZZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!! MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGNUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSS DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESTRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

(CUEUP: ‘Conquer All’ by Behemoth)

(Palazzo steps into the ring, smiling, trophy in hand. He hands it to Magnus, who hoists it far above his head!)

MYLDE: Okay, okay, don’t do the “break the trophy” spot we know all you champions are so fond of. Enjoy it, cherish it, put it on your mantle, but for the love of Jimmy Buffet, don’t smash it into a thousand pieces!

OBERSTARR: I think that trophy’s flying back to the Carpathian Mountains in one piece, Jimmy! It was an unforgettable night, and we’d never want to live it again! If you thought this was something, wait till we bring you the GOLDEN BOY Grand Prix!

MYLDE: Russian bears need not apply!

OBERSTARR: For Jimmy Mylde, I’m Brian Oberstarr…GOODNIGHT FROM NEW YORK!

(FADEOUT)

Copyright: 2010 ESEN/All rights reserved
 
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