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Greensboro

GreggG

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(CUT TO: CSWA Towers in Greensboro, NC. Longtime CSWA television personality RUDY SEITZER stands in the atrium, as league officials, staff members and fans/sightseers mull about the complex.)

RUDY: Rudy Seitzer here for CSWA Update, coming to you LIVE from Greensboro. Earlier in the day, our staff was notified anonymously from someone close to the alliance known as Playboys Incorporated regarding a special announcement from the group. We are not sure what it pertains to, but speculation is that it COULD be about the ongoing tensions between Eddy Love and Eli Flair or perhaps it could be an update about Troy Windham, who has remained uncharacteristically silent since his match with Eli Flair at Anniversary 2001. We were told-- OH NO! NOT YOU AGAIN! (Rudy squints his eyes off-camera.) What in GOD'S NAME are you WEARING? YOU LOOK ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS!

(The camera pans right, showing "THE ORIGINAL KING OF COOL" JJ DEVILLE. JJ is wearing a Victorian-period theme suit today-- a blue Pirate's hat, a puffy white shirt and navy blue knickers with white socks jacked up to his knees World B. Free style. His outfit, though, has been modified to meed JJ's fashion sense-- the hat has, in rhinestones, the words "LOVE EDDY LOVE" written, his white shirt is cut to expose his midriff, his pletes are cut at thigh level so to make his pants have a "hip hugging" affect. JJ is also casually holding nunchucks.)

JJ: No, Rudy-- I look GOOD. You, my man, look ridiculous. That suit is cheap and smelly, you neo-maxie zoom dweebie. That looks like it's, like, one BILLIONTH of one of Eddy Love's ensembles.

RUDY: Can you PLEASE explain to me what it is you are wearing and why you are wearing this? I might not be a fashionplate, but I thought the 1800's were over.

JJ: Well, my man, it's simple. Playboys Inc. is more than just a group of the premiere and bestest wrestlers in this sport... Playboys Inc. is more than just a group of likeminded individuals striving to do what is best for the community (RUDY: Oh, please.) through various charity works... Playboys Inc. is also on the cutting edge of all that is cool and all that is (JJ does a little routine with his chucks, catching them and pointing them at Rudy) UNCOOL. My main man and mentor Eddy Love, the man you call Hero, is more than just the best wrestler and a spiritual being for all you dorkus maximuses to look at... he's also a man who is on the cutting edge of all that is hip and cool. He's the number one person in all sorts--

RUDY: (In a hurry, trying to get JJ to move on with things.) Yeah, yeah. We know already. Eddy Love is the best. Get on with it.

JJ: Well, Rudy, as you just admitted... Eddy Love is the best. He's so knowledgeable about thousands of topics, it's like he's Alex Trebeck or something. And one of the things Eddy Love knows the MOST about is movies. He told me that the Oscars aren't decided in Hollywood... but they are REALLY decided in South Carolina. THAT'S WHERE EDDY LOVE LIVES! He decides the Oscars, just like how HE decides who gets to join the CSWA, like when he brought GUMS back into the league. He gets to decide who holds the title, like how he's gracefully letting Evan Aho hold it for him. Eddy decides how much money EVERYBODY ELSE makes-- yourself included, Rudy.

RUDY: Yeahyeahyeah, we know. Eddy is all-powerful. How does that explain why you are dressed like a pirate?

JJ: Well, Eddy was watching all the movies he nominated for Oscar again last night on the very expensive DVD player he has on his Lear Jet, and he saw this movie called Gosford Park. Now, my mom won't let me go see it because it's not PG, but Eddy said it's very good and I beleive him. And he said that this is how all the cool people who work for people richer than them dressed in the movie-- and he said it would be good if I were to dress like this today, because I could maybe launch a new look nationwide. And I think I have, to be quite honest. I went to the mall earlier to buy some new champagne glasses for Sweet Melissa's house, and all these people were hooting and hollering as I walked past. I think they were like totally jealous of me. I look super hot. I think all those girls thought I was George Michaels, or perhaps like one of the dudes from Def Leopard (JJ tucks his arm behind his body and starts air drumming with one arm, using the 'chucks.) except for the drummer dude.

RUDY: So, is this it? Is this the big announcement? You have now officially stripped yourself of all your dignity to appease your hero, Eddy Love?

JJ: (sneering at Rudy) No. That is NOT it, Rudy. As you may have heard, The Human Weapon has a big match-up this coming weekend against our current World Greensboro Champion... one mister Shane Southern. Shane Southern... (JJ points at the camera) IF THAT IS INDEED YOUR REAL NAME... Playboys Incorporated has had our eyes on you for a long time. You've got quite the buzz about you... you're not the marquee name that The Original King of Cool is, and you're certainly don't have the rub that Eduardo Amoray, Troy Diggiddy and Sweet Melissa have... but let's face facts, no one has what the Playboys have.

RUDY: Does that include diseases?

JJ: Very funny, Rudolph. Blaine Southern, you fancy yourself a big star who drives a big car... but the fact remains, the only reason you have a career still is because Eddy Love has bigger fish to fry. But let's face facts, Blaine... there is only ONE person who is the King of the South. There is only ONE person who is bigger than Nascar and Elvis combined, and it sure isn't you. It's my main man The Hurricane. And it's about time that you came out here and PUBLIC-UHL- LEE RECOGNIZED that fact, Shawn Southern. In fact, I think it would be wise if you came out here on live national TV and told the world what we already know... that you know Eddy Love is a bigger star than you, that you know that Eddy Love is the South's greatest leader since Robert E. Lee and that you know that he is your hero, like he is mine.

RUDY: Do you honestly think Shane Southern is going to say that? You're the only person in the roster who seems to enjoy this constant public humiliation, JJ.

JJ: (looking away from Rudy) Stan Southern, if you were a smart man, you would not just do that... but you would ALSO hand me your Greensboro Title. Because, my friend, if you do not, then it's going to get messy. And I don't just mean that I'm going to pin you and take your title at Showtime, which WILL happen. Are you ready for the bombshell announcement, Rudy? BECAUSE HERE IT COMES. Shane Southern, you can agree to give me your title WILLINGLY and avoid the wrath of the Hurricane... or you can go through a NASTY court-room battle. I have just filed a conjunction with the CSWA league brass about your title reign, Shane. It just so happens that you are in violation of a little-known CSWA bylaw that states that the CSWA Greensboro Champion... MUST BE FROM GREENSBORO! And you, my friend, are from that hick town NEW ORLEANS-- which isn't even in America, I don't think!

RUDY: JJ, I don't know who told you that, but I don't think that's a law like that anywhere --

JJ: Sharma Southern, not only will I take your title from you in the court of law if you do not hand it over willingly... not only will I maim you with my mastery of the ninja arts... but then you will have your career ended by the powers of a Hurricane... Shane Southern... IF THAT IS INDEED YOUR REAL NAME... there is NO WAY you can AVOID (pelvic thrust) THE (karate chop) NOID! (Nunchuck spin, FTB.)
 

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