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GXW - Let's Make a Deal

P

Packschmid

Guest
(FADEIN: The living room of GUNS' San Antonio ranch. The CSWA Greensboro Heavyweight title lays in front of the front door, gold-side up. The door opens, and GUNS comes in from outside, wipes his muddy boots on the Greensboro Heavyweight title belt, and then picks the belt up and plops it down on the coffee table as he sits on his couch, and puts his feet up on the belt.)

GUNS: I have to admit, boys...I really am enjoying being a CSWA champion again. (Chuckles.) But, here's the thing...anybody who knows me knows that GUNS isn't a selfish man. Anybody who knows me knows that GUNS doesn't think of himself, but is always looking to help those who are less fortunate. Those who haven't been blessed with natural charisma...those who haven't been blessed with wrestling skill...those who haven't been blessed with heart and determination...and of course, those who haven't been blessed with the Strongest Arms in the World.

And when it comes right down to it...yes, I took the Greensboro Heavyweight title from JJ Deville in the same manner in which a bully takes lunch money from a geek in a schoolyard. Not so much because I wanted the belt...I took it just because I could. Now, I'll admit, the belt makes a nice target for the occassional snotrocket, and it's doing an admirable job as a doormat here at the Cartwright Ranch, and I know it's absolutely STEAMING the CSWA front office to know that they have to call me "champ", even if it IS the Greensboro title. But, as great as all of that is, there's a group out there that needs this belt far more than I do, and it would tick the CSWA off just as much if they had this belt.

You all know who I'm talking about, don't you? (Smiles.) That's right, our good friends over at GXW. Now, everybody's making a big deal about this GXW so-called Invasion...and which side is Wicked Sight on...who's the mole...so on and so forth. I gotta be honest, I haven't paid it much mind, but now it's time to see just how much the GXW and GUNS have in common. It's time to see where the interests of the GXW really lie. Now, we all know where I stand when it comes to the CSWA...I want to tear this whole company to the ground. But what does the GXW want? Do they want the same thing...or are they just here trying to leech off of the CSWA to get 15 minutes of fame for themselves and their rinky-dink promotion?

Whose side are you REALLY on, GXW? I mean...let's face the facts... if...no, WHEN I succeed in running the CSWA out of business...well, your free lunch...your 15 minutes of fame...are pretty much over. On the other hand, boys, if...no, WHEN...I succeed, well, then you guys move up from the 24th most relevant federation in North America all the way up to #23! (Laughs.) Now, I know it might not sound like much, but believe me, every little bit helps.

But I'm gonna give you guys the benefit of the doubt. I'm gonna assume, for argument's sake, that you're SERIOUS about trying to make life miserable for the CSWA, and this isn't just some pre-arranged staged sideshow designed to make the CSWA feel all benevolent and to give you guys some free publicity. I'm prepared to offer you a piece of CSWA tradition...a piece of the CSWA's very IDENTITY...yes, GXW, I am prepared to offer you...the Greensboro Heavyweight Championship. Now, while the Greensboro title is low belt on the totem pole around here, let's face it...it would INSTANTLY be the richest prize in your little federation.

Now, I know what you're thinking...you're thinking "GUNS, we have our own World Heavyweight title." Yeah, you know, back in 1996, I took a piece of rope and a bottle of piss, tied it around my waist, and called it a World title too. Let's face the facts...your "World" title may mean something in the local armory, but as much as I hate this company, this is the big leagues. What does it say about your "World" title when your "World" champion is wrestling for the United States title here in the CSWA? Now, hey, if Danny Boy actually manages to win the US Title, well, great, you don't need the Greensboro title. But, what I've seen of your boy so far doesn't really inspire me with a whole lot of confidence.

So, here's my offer, and it's pretty much take it or leave it. I'm offering you the Greensboro Heavyweight title, right now, no strings attached, and I only ask for three things in return.

Number one...a certified check, money order, or preferably cash in the amount of seven dollars and ninety-five cents. Yeah, that's right, $7.95. Now, I know that's going to eat into a hefty chunk of your box office revenue, but I promise when you've got the Greensboro title, business is going to boom at the high school gyms and VFW Halls on your circuit. Trust me.

Number two...a GXW T-shirt. Now, I know what you're thinking...you're thinking "GUNS, you've already got those great Third Row, Inc. T-shirts, and rumor has it there are brand-new "GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE - HE MAKES THEM WISH THEY WERE DEAD" T-shirts coming hot off the presses next week, so why would you need a GXW T-shirt?" Well, I'm glad you asked. See, my dog...well, he chewed up the rag I usually use to wash my pickup truck, so I figure a GXW T-shirt would be a more than adequate replacement. And, let's face it, it's not like the GXW T-shirts are exactly flying off the racks, so I'm pretty sure you guys could toss me a freebie and nobody would miss it.

And now, number three...and I realize that this is a potential deal-breaker. Now, I'll be honest with you. I haven't the FOGGIEST idea what GXW stands for. The "G" could stand for "Global", could stand for "G-String", could stand for "Goober" for all I know. But, I want to make sure that this Greensboro Heavyweight title...the PRIDE of the third largest city in the state of North Carolina...goes to a good home, and I want to make sure that it's not going to Gay X-Rated Wrestling or something like that. So, I'm going to have to insist that from this point forward, the "G" in "GXW" be changed to stand for "GUNS." Now, I know that's asking a lot, but isn't changing the name of your promotion a small price to pay for instant credibility?

Well, boys, think about it...the offer is on the table. If you need any further convincing, you can take a good look at what I do to your maybe friend, maybe enemy Wicked Sight at Fish Fund. It really doesn't matter to me whether he's on the CSWA side or the GXW side, because when it comes right down to it...GUNS is on his own side. And GUNS' side...ALWAYS wins.
 

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