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In Which SJH States His Case


The Phenom
Jan 1, 2000
Salt Lake City, UT

A seedy, backlot studio – Midday

On a small sound stage that was obviously jury-rigged into the backlot of a larger production house, we see a set eerily reminiscent of the one from “The Dick Cavett Show.”

In the host's chair sits a balding, late-forties man in a plaid suit. His dress shirt is unbuttoned to the top of his abdomen, revealing a slew of gold chains and a veritable bonanza of curly, black chest hair. What remains of the hair on his head is slicked back with some combination of 5W-40, Turtle Wax and pomade.

In other words, this guy is awesome.

Off to side of the set is self-proclaimed “Heavyweight Champion of the Universe,” SHAWN-JESSICA ❤. His very visage is brilliant; gold sequins, black pleather pants and a litany of superfluous bracelets, charms, belts, chains and straps of unknown purpose cover the breadth of his five-foot-eleven, 205-pound frame.

To his side is his half-stepsister, twice-removed, the nefarious FELICIA HART, who looks the part of a mod fashion icon.

The two are conferring as some kind of sordid television production is preparing to get underway.

FELICIA: ”You ready for this, kid?”

SJH: ”Ready like Betty.”

FELICIA: ”You better be. We need this to get back on top. Things are starting to purr in the Legacy of Champions, but three years is three years. People don't remember what we did in 2008 or the late nineties or whenever. We need to be relevant again! I went to Hillsborough Community College for Chrissakes! There's no job out there for me!”

SJH: ”You could always do the cam-girl thing again!”

The Prime Minister of Gettin' Sinister chuckles to himself. Felicia, meanwhile, is not impressed.

FELICIA: ”You were my biggest customer, S-Jess. We can't just push money back and forth. We need NEW money coming in.”

SJH attempts to console his anxious sibling with a pat on the shoulder.

SJH: ”Don't you worry your pretty, l'il head. I'm still the coolest thing to hit this dirtball since a Cryogenian ice age. These JACKHOLES think they can look past me? Pssshhhh... They're going to be lookin' at lights when I toss their smug mugs over the top rope. Am I little bit rusty? Sure...but ya know what rust does? It gives people TETANUS and ends their freaking lives! Which is PRECISELY what I plan to do at-”

He takes a deep, deep breath.

SJH: ”..Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaattle-MANIA!!!!”

The younger Hart giggles at her brother's proclamation.

FELICIA: ”OK, OK. You don't need to cut a promo on me. Save it for him.”

She motions toward the host, who is combing his mountain of chest hair with a giant brush. SJH nods in agreement. Just then, a production assistant approaches the duo.

PA: ”You're on in one!”

The Phenom gives the PA a half-hearted salute, then turns his attention back to Felicia.

SJH: ”Hey sis...”

FELICIA: ”What up?”

Pppppfffffffffffffffftttt.... *SQUEAK*

FELICIA: ”.........What?! ….....Argh! Sicko.”

Felicia covers her face with both hands, desperately trying to keep the fumes out. She grimaces at SJH, who responds to his sister's discomfort with a sheepish grin and hard slug to her bicep. Felicia rubs the point of impact for a beat, then turns Shawn about and pushes him towards the set.

FELICIA: ”Get up there and make 'em weep, jerk.”

SJH: ”Let's do this sh(FCC)t!”

CUT TO: The scene as recorded through the second-rate MiniDV cameras used to document the proceedings and compiled by various shareware and open source editing programs.


CLOSE ON: The master of ceremonies for this ill-fated venture as he tucks his giant hairbrush into the pocket of his plaid suit jacket.

HOST: ”Good evening, ladies n' gentlemen. I'm Vic “The Dick” Rivière, your main man in the greater Tampa area for early model Ford, Lincoln aaaand Mercury luxury sedans, coupes and compacts. Come to Vic's and we'll fix you up quick! Now I'm here with a good friend of mine who's fixin' to rough some fellas up at the inaugural BATTLEMANIA event; a former wrestling champion and the champion of our hearts, Shawn-Jessica Hart!”

CUT TO: The wide shot. SJH is now seated in the chair adjacent to Rivière. The camera crew offers a smattering of applause.

SJH: ”Little redundant there, Vic the Dick. The champion of our hearts? Hart? C'mon son.”

RIVIÈRE: ”Hah! Sorry there, big guy. I went to the Derecho school of public speaking.”

SJH: ”It shows, nnndaddio. Heh, y'know... I still don't really know whether it's actually pronounced Derrick-o or Duh-RAITCH-o.”

RIVIÈRE: ”I think it's Derecho.”

Hart smacks himself upside the head and giggles impishly.

SJH: ”Well of course it is. It's right there in the print! But then I've never really cared for the guy on a level that warrants name recognition. Always rollin' around the Legacy of Champions like he owns the place, fluffin' his feathered wolf hair, stroking his chin strap. People are probably expecting some brand loyalty here, but those peeps got another thing comin'. If, by chance, he and yours truly end up in the same corner of the ring during this thing, you can bet your bottom dollar that his played-out patoot will meet a sudden and TERRI-BIBBLE demise in Titanic-like fashion!”

RIVIÈRE: ”Shawn, my man—you have beef with this guy, or what?”

SJH: ”No....MAYBE. I don't know, man. Hell, I'm probably lying. Sweet Felish is probably on the phone with him right now, feeding him the latest details of our secret plan.”

CUT TO: Felicia, who hurriedly tosses her 2004-style flip-phone away from the camera's prying lens. CUT TO: Rivière, who shoots an inquisitive glance in the Phenom's direction. SJH responds by twiddling his thumbs and whistling. Vic “The Dick” shakes his head and presses onward.

RIVIÈRE: ”Alright, alright. I know you aren't going to cop to anything here, so how 'bout we get down n' dirty with something I KNOW you like to talk about, huh? ....The GIRLS!”

SJH: ”Oh Vic. My MAN—I know this is BaaaaaaaaattleMANIA, but the females in this thing have me wishin' it was PaddleMania........or Femdom Fest. The Creampie Cup? Heh, the Ménage à trois Bowl presented by Nokia. Somethin'. B(FCC)tches be BANGIN'!”

RIVIÈRE: ”You gonna be able to keep that legendary HART THROB in your pants and focus on the task at hand?”

SJH: ”Here's the steak n' eggs of the situation, sonny... when the Prime Minister of Gettin' Sinister is in it, he's in it to WIN IT! So while I'd love nothing more than to condition MJ Bell's wild hair with the Phenom's special sauce...or to lick Amber Ryan's surgery scar while being fellated by a dwarf cougar, I know that I've got to DOMINATE in the ring before they dominate me in the sack. I NEED this like the children of Africa need a ham sandwich. Besides, ain't no better way to get a girl in the buck than to BUST her dome-piece between those ropes. You know what they say—today's bump on the noggin is tomorrow's bad decision!”

CUT TO: Off-camera, where Felicia can't help but roll her eyes at Shawn's statement.

FELICIA: ”Nope, not rapey at all.”

CLOSE ON: Rivière, who is clearly intrigued by Hart's questionable sense of sexual ethics.

RIVIÈRE: ”Amen, bro! So let's do some name association. I give you the girl, you give me the gruesome details!”

Hart's bottom lip begins to quiver and his forehead begins to perspire. His tongue droops ever-so-slightly out of his drooling mouth.

SJH: ”Lay 'em on me!”

Rivière, who also appears to be hot and bothered, wastes not a second.

RIVIÈRE: ”Reya Serra.”

SJH: ”Ready to unfurl this hose and extinguish that fire crotch on a moment's notice.”

RIVIÈRE: ”Eden Morgan.”

SJH: ”My serpent will slither into her garden and take a bite out of that forbidden fruit.”

RIVIÈRE: ”Ohh yeeahh. How 'bout STACY JONES?!”

SJH: ”She's gonna gargle these TASTY STONES!”

RIVIÈRE: ”Sh(FCC)t yeah! And what about Alexis Morrison? You gonna get that hot piece of ass out of her leather?”

Hart is instantly incensed.

SJH: ”Hell no, you perverted bastard!! I'm going to invite her to my parents for a nice, home-cooked meal and a spirited night of Trivial Pursuit! What the f(FCC)ck is wrong with you?!”

RIVIÈRE: ”Oh! Umm.... I didn't mean to, uhh-”

SJH: ”HA! I'm just jerkin' your gherkin, dummy. Scary chicks are the biggest whores out there!”

Vic laughs nervously at SJH, then begins to massage his black chest hair.

RIVIÈRE: ”Heh, I dunno Shawn. I think those Bangkok broads got 'em beat.”

Hart's eyes suddenly go wide and he grabs Rivière by the collar.

SJH: ”Bangkok?! Did you say....BANGKOK?!”

RIVIÈRE: ”Yeah, yeah! Bangkok! What's the big prob-”

Without warning, the instrumentals of a familiar 80's pop hit begin to play. Felicia rushes the set and joins her brother, who is now standing atop his chair and dancing.

SJH: ”♫One night in Bangkok makes a hard man HUMBLE...♫”

FELICIA: ”♫Not much between despair and ecstasy.♫”

Vic is not impressed by the Harts, resting his face in his left palm and shaking his head in disgust. SJH and Felicia are unaffected by his obvious disapproval.

SJH: ”♫One night in Bangkok and the tooouugh guys tumble!♫”

FELICIA: ”♫Can't be too careful with your company...I can feel the Devil walking next to me.♫”

Vic begins to grit his teeth.

SJH: ”Bangkok, Oriental setting, and the city don't know what the city is getting. The crème de la crème of the chess world in a show with everything but Yul Brynner...”

Vic suddenly leaps to his feet.


The music comes to a screeching halt and the Hart duo freezes awkwardly in their tracks. Rivière angrily points to something off-set. CUT TO: A warning sign posted to the wall that reads “One Night in Bangkok-Free Zone” CUT TO: SJH as he slumps back into his seat. Meanwhile, Felicia lowers her head and does the Charlie Brown sad walk away from the set.

SJH: ”Sorry 'bout that, Vic the Dick. We've done hypnotherapy, support groups, the patch...everything! But it's hard to resist those urges, y'know?”

RIVIÈRE: ”Fughedaboutit. So how about we get back on track here, hmm? Why do you think you're gonna win Battlemania? What makes you so sure you got this thing figured?”

SJH: ”History, bub.”

RIVIÈRE: ”History?”

SJH: ”Here's the dealio, nnnndaddio. ANY time the suits in our sport decide to wrangle up all of the biggest and baddest dogs in the business for a fight to the finish, the cream rises to the top. And whenever yours truly, Muff Daddy in the flesh, the Prime Minister of Gettin' Sinister, has been involved...this cream EXPLODES from the top of the mountain and INFECTS the world with my special brand of jiggy freshness! Be it a rumble, a battle royale, a tournament or Taco Tuesday, Pro Wrestling's S-J-H rises above the rest.”

He pauses to run a hand through his glorious mane of flowing flaxen locks and raises his chin in a showing of superiority. He holds the pose just long enough for it to become awkward, then resumes his diatribe.

SJH: ”At A1E's Pier Six Brawl, I bested 20 or 30 other fools to become their World Heavyweight Champion! In ACW's End Game Match, I outlasted equally as many, became the number one contender and went on to have the greatest championship battle that place ever saw when I went toe-to-toe with Alias! When TEAM held their 64-man Invitational Tournament, I made it to the Final Four where injury was the only thing that could keep me from taking the whole damn shebang! Simply put, when the odds against me are at their height...and a literal army stands between me and that brass ring, THAT'S when ol' S-Jess is at his BEST! Call it a mockery, call it an OUTRAGE, call it whatever the Hell you'd like. My Magic 8-Ball says it's the TRUTH!”

RIVIÈRE: ”Mm hmm. Mm hmm. And what about Ultratitle?”

SJH: ”Jigga-wha?”

RIVIÈRE: ”Ultratitle. 2012. Weren't you upset in round two and disgraced out of the business?”

Hart's face and neck spasm. His right eye begins to twitch.

SJH: ”I'm.....quite sure I have no idea what you're referring to.”

RIVIÈRE: ”No, no. I'm pretty sure I got this. You beat Bob Praxis in the first round, easy-peasy, but then that Kochi Cannibal, Freddie Sagawa, beat your ass in the second. It was hilarious! I remember you getting blasted afterwards n' crashing your Town Car into that weird swinger's club you go to, then comin' by the dealership and tryin' to return it. Said it was a lemon or faulty engineering or some such. It was the craziest thing I've ev-”

Hart shoots up from his seat and stares daggers into Vic.

SJH: ”LISTEN HERE, juh-juh-JACKHOLE! If you utter so much as one more syllable, I SWEAR I'll-”

Felicia bursts onto the scene once again, clutching what appears to be women's undergarments in silky black. Upon catching sight of them, SJH is instantly mesmerized.

SJH: ”...beat........your............”

Felicia holds the panties before the Phenom's face and sways them gently from side to side.

SJH: ”.......asssssssss.........”

The self-proclaimed Muff Daddy takes a deep, DEEP breath.

SJH: ”Mmmmmmm...m-m-my Queen......I'm coming!”

SJH lunges toward the underwear, but instead catches a swift backhand from his sister. The blow snaps Shawn violently back into reality.

SJH: ”Whoa...”

He looks to Vic.

SJH: ”W-what were you saying?”

Felicia tucks the panties between her arm and her side and saunters back out of the shot. As she does so, Rivière silently mouths, “Thank you.” to the more reasonable Hart. He then turns his attention back to SJH.

RIVIÈRE: ”There some kind of magic in those panties or what?”

SJH: ”You bet your bald ass there is. I stole them from Lindsay Troy in 2001...and I'm pretty sure they're responsible for no less than half of my glorious successes. Speaking of magic, I took them to the Magic game last time I was back home in Orlando. Kind of a good luck charm. You wanna know what happened?”

RIVIÈRE: ”The Magic won?”

SJH: ”F(FCC)ck no! But Victor Oladipo threw his sweaty towel into the crowd and I toooooooooootally caught it!”

CUT TO: Felicia.

FELICIA: ”Totes. I was there. For real.”

CUT TO: The set. For some reason, Rivière seems less impressed by this than the Harts.

RIVIÈRE: ”That's....really something, bro.”

SJH: ”But enough about the mystical essence of Lindsay Troy n' Victor Oladipo. You wanted to know how Shawn Hart knows that BaaaaaaaaattleMANIA is his for the taking?”

RIVIÈRE: ”Correctamundo.”

SJH: ”Well, I could tell you...”

CUE UP: A PHAT hip-hop beat.

RIVIÈRE: ”Oh God. No....”

SJH: ”But how 'bout I spit somma dis lyrical science instead?”

RIVIÈRE: ”Please don't...you're really not good at-”

SJH: ”YO—it's ya boy S-JESS all up in your area. Infectin' your brain like a strand of malaria.
I'm herdin' your pack like an Airedale Terrier. You step to me, fool, YO—ya know that I'll bury ya!
It's the Battlemania rap and you know that I'm spittin'. When the sh(FCC)t's goin' down, it's yo ass I'll be hittin'.
N' kickin' n' slammin'; y'all gonna be DROPPED! 29 other sucka'z tossed over the top...
ROPE...ain't no joke. Y'all ain't got no hope. I'm high n' I'm mighty. Y'all can call me the Pope!
Cuz with my very appearance, y'all dun-got blessed! I'm strong and I'm SCARY like Vic the Dick's chest...”


SJH: ”In these Happy Days, my ass is the FONZ! I'm king, Sis is queen and you fools are just pawns!
You think I'm washed up? N' I'm outta practice? We'll see what you say when you're PRICKED by this cactus.
It's been a long time since I've climbed to the top. But I still got those skills; I still got the POP!
It makes the girls giggle and makes 'em say mmmmm. I'm Kali Ma in this Temple of Doom.
I'm paintin' this thing like my own piece of art. I'm the KING killah, cap peelah Big SHAWN HART!”

FELICIA: ”Peace!”

The Phenom folds his arms and purses his lips. The music slowly fades out. Several seconds pass. SJH continues to hold the pose.

RIVIÈRE: ”Alright. Uhhh, that it then?”

Hart chuckles to himself and slumps back into his seat.

SJH: ”Right, yeah. Sorry...forgot that you were more of a Sinatra guy.”

RIVIÈRE: ”Heh, luck be a lady.”

SJH: ”But not for me, Tricky Vicky. Luck's got nothin' to do with it. And whether you're a Eugene Dewey, a Danny B or a Dave Rydell, when that bell rings, you'll know exactly what I mean. I've been doing my thing for 17 years...and I've just hit that sweet spot where experience and athletic prime intersect. Are there loads of outrageously talented people in this thing with me? Sure, but this is my time to shine...and that's what I intend to do.”

RIVIÈRE: ”So you're for real? You're back? You're done bein' the guy who will go anywhere and embarrass himself for, I dunno... like $150?”

SJH: ”Whoa-whoa-WHOA! You mean to tell me that there are people out there willing to give me $150?!”

RIVIÈRE: ”Well, that's not really what I was trying to-”

SJH: ”Sweet Felish, let's blow this popsicle stand! There's $150 out there with my name on it!”

CUT TO: Felicia.

FELICIA: ”Mama needs a new pair of shoes!”

CUT TO: Her brother as he storms off of the set.

SJH: ”Pelvis has left the building!”


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