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MILES losin' his mind...


Jan 1, 1970
[updated:LAST EDITED ON Feb-04-02 AT 02:40 PM (EDT)] FADEIN: 'COCKY' CRAIG MILES sitting at a dive bar. A jukebox is blasting "Johnny B. Goode" - Chuck Berry. MILES is wearing a t-shirt, leather pants, no shoes and his Oakleys. He's twitching, lookin' like he's been on LSD for two days straight...is he talking to himself?

MILES: "You know, it's not like people from Pittsburgh should be PROUD. I think I was doin' you boys a favor callin' you rednecks. I mean let's look at what the great city of Pittsburgh has given the world. (MILES puts his hand on his chin and ponders) Alright, I'm stumped. At least as rednecks, we could've talked of the Alamo or bein' tough, tall Texans. But now, all I got is (BLEEP)'IN PITTSBURGH? Man, if you guys weren't a tough sell already - now you've really gone and (BLEEP!)ED IT ALL UP. Are you sure you're not originally from Harrisburg? That would've been a little better. It'd at least explain how RAW DEAL lost a great deal of their brain capacity and performance after the Three Mile Island disaster. 'Cause that would explain, how in the name of God's Green Earth, the team of RAW DEAL - whose only claim to fame is being the supporting cast to the unauthorized 'The Crow' sequel would actually believe they've EVER DONE ANYTHING. Oh wait - hasn't RAW DEAL's biggest accomplishments to date in the past 5 years...well, it's been...I'm trying real hard here, guys. GODDAMMIT - WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU GUYS DONE? Hmmm, 5 years ago you snuck on me from behind with whatever you could grab, 5 years later you're doin' the same thing! Did I miss the dominating title reigns? Did I miss the long string of victories? OR ARE YOU TWO JUST MISSING YOUR COMPLETE (BLEEP!)IN' MINDS? All you two do is talk tough for that camera, but when it comes to gettin' out there - the only thing you wait for is what BIG TOMMY tells you to do. Yer nothin' but a couple of loyal puppy dogs and if that doesn't mean you'll be skinned alive in this cage, please tell me what it does mean! I'm a coward? I run away from the scene of an accident? GIVE ME A (BLEEP!)IN' BREAK I've run from ANYTHING? Name the time, gentleman. I DARE 'YA. Last time I checked, back in the day it didn't matter if a SEVEN FOOT, SIX HUNDRED POUND ROADBLOCK was in my way - I'm still goin' in FIRIN'. And today, it don't matter if two STEEL-BRAINED rats from Pittsburgh that haven't wrestled more than a match in the past 4 years think all of a sudden that they've got BALLS made of STEEL. Know what'll really happen? I'M GONNA PROFESSIONALLY KICK YOU'RE (BLEEP!)IN' (BLEEP!). See, what I DID NOT forget was that Tommy Boy ordered my hospital stay LONG AFTER I returned the favor of the being the hidden topic of the most BORING CSWA mic spot in the past 3 years. He bided his time, waited until EVERYONE thought he was back in the abandoned warehouse, but thank god he wasn't retiring - and thank god it happened, 'cause the only reason I came to the HELLHOLE known as CSWA was to set the record straight! You two ain't nothin' but HIRED GUNS, and the truth is - the HIRED GUNS end up falling by the wayside, so the REAL FIGHT can happen. You think I forget so easy? You think I forgot why I think you two stink worse than Merritt's briefs? I was WRONG about you two - YOU AIN'T EVEN SMART ENOUGH TO BE REDNECKS. You're not even SMART ENOUGH to WIPE YOUR OWN (BLEEP!)ES."

"Then, with a screech and scratch on the chalkboards come the latest I like to SUCK OTHER GUYS (BLEEP!) promos from SIMPLY STUNNING. Am I not the only man in AMERICA that really thinks the fact these guys like to wear GOLD BELTS because they think it accentuates their outfits? These guys talk such a tough game that (BLEEP!)'in RICHARD SIMMONS would think he could kick their butts! Seriously, though - I want you two to stop your annual renewal of the MILE HIGH CLUB with each other and LISTEN and LISTEN VERY CLOSELY. TAKE YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF EACH OTHER! Good. There's a NEW GAME in town. We're not about FANCY OUTFITS. We're not about LOOKING PRETTY. We're not about GIVING TWO (BLEEP!) about what you want your CAREER to be remembered as. The tag team scene in the CSWA has long been known as HORRID, BORING and SISSIFIED. The fact that SIMPLY STUNNING are champions is a total and COMPLETE representation of this. Not only will THE PROFESSIONALS be doing the CSWA a gigantic favor in St. Louis, but scores and hundreds of FANS, WOMEN, CRITICS - HELL THE WORLD will probably name the day after us 'cause there is NOTHING MORE ANNOYING, REVOLTING or AGONIZING as watching you TWO WALK! TALK! WRESTLE! OR EVEN (BLEEP!)IN' BREATHE! Mayfield and I have been in total agreement that the day we heard your voices was the day that 'SCANNERS' became a reality on EARTH! Every day, when your voices hit the air this UNCONTROLLABLE PAIN pulsates though my head and I think MY HEAD IS GONNA (BLEEP!)'IN EXPLODE! As PROFESSIONALS, we will NOT REST until either you LEAVE or WE RIP YOU'RE (BLEEP)'IN VOICE BOXES OUT!"

"Man, it's enough to drive a man INSANE - or to the bottle. Between those FOUR LOSERS, I really question if there's a point to me being here. But then along comes the MEN OF ADVENTURE. You see them take out these BEARS? GOOD LORD. (MILES rolls his eyes) I swear to GOD, I must thank you two heartily. I use that word 'cause it means much to you. See after almost losing consciousness just by listening to RAW DEAL and then almost going completely psychotic 'cause the voices of SIMPLY STUNNING are telling me to kill people - you two come on and make me realize that even if life treats you bad, at least you're not two complete (BLEEP!)'IN retards like the Men of Adventure. 'Cause even though SIMON'S voice is telling me to eat my DOG you're 'BATTLES' (MILES smirks) with BEARS alleviate that notion and just make me LAUGH. And gentlemen, there is no GREATER GIFT than laughter. If it weren't for you two, SIMPLY STUNNING and RAW DEAL probably would've been impaled by some sharp object late at night. But thanks to you two, I've realized that it wouldn't be worth it and Eddie and I should just do it the PROFESSIONAL WAY. On worldwide TV, in front of the screamin' millions and JUST LOOKIN' DAMN COOL. Thanks Men of Adventure, thank you so very much. But just remember, you try anything with those OARS on the PROFESSIONALS. We're gonna take them and show you somethin' out of the CHUCK BERRY playbook."



League Member
Apr 16, 2004
Lose something you never had?

WJM: Ya know, for a guy who spent a month trying to sign us to a contract, you got an awful short memory. Or, perhaps it's just convenient.

RJM: Our long string of victories? Last I checked, we had wins over two of the most dominant tag teams in the history of this industry... including one your partner is at least a little familiar with.

WJM: But, hey, I suppose between being drunk under the table in cheap bars and hiding under that drag queen you had for a partner's skirt for a half dozen years, I can see how you mighta missed it.

RJM: As for Pittsburgh... whatever. We got two more hall of fame atheletes and a national brand of ketchup... which is a sh<bleep>t load more than you've ever done. So, forgive us if we'll take pretty much ANYTHING you say with a grain of salt.

WJM: But you can relax, Cocky....

RJM: An oxymoron if there ever were one.

WJM: We're not going to Anniversary to win titles. Just don't relax too much. Cuz what we ARE coming for isn't a whole lot better.

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