Calamity Jon
League Member
- Joined
- Jan 1, 2000
- Messages
- 52
- Points
- 0
(FADEIN to a dimly lit recording and mixing studio, as ULYSSES S DUDLEY enters, followed close behind by the MEN OF ADVENTURE, BENJAMIN "BIG TOM" REMUS and "IRON" JOHN WAITS. Ulysses rushes to a mixing board, and promptly begins throwing switches, although the look on his face betrays that he obviously has no idea what he's doing.)
Tom: "Explain it to us again, Ulysses. MY MIND REELS!"
USD: "Boys, it's very simple. In order to accomodate you of the intricacies of the modern civilized world, we must recreate your personalities in the minds of the ever-discriminating viewing audience, vis a vis the way you present yourselves."
John: "But ... Ulysses, OUR THEME SONG! It's what we ARE! It's the traditional song of Men of Adventure throughout time, sung by generations of Men of Adventure, whether awash in white water rapids and fighting sharks and whales, or straddling the peaks of the tallest mountains eviscerating wild mountain panthers with our bare fingers, or impregnating a whore! MY OWN MOTHER sang that very song to me whilst I slept in her STOMACH!"
USD: "Now now boys, people today are a more discriminating sort, and they prefer something more OLD-TIMEY by way of their musical enjoyment! Something toe-tapping! Something that will strum the oft-conflicted strings of the human soul and fill the void of man's eternal hunger with music! Like those fellas you'll be fighting at Fish Fund, they're hep to the scene, daddio! Here, open your ears to this ..." (flips a switch, lights turn on, USD looks pleased) "Ah, here we go boys, I believe this ought to suit you both ..."
(Ulysses taps his fingers and grins as Tom and John wince, listening to GG ALLEN'S "I NEED ADVENTURE," replete with "Yes I do, I need adventure's what I need! I need some wild wild women, I need a girl to go down on me," and so on ... The clip ends, and the MoA look slightly perplexed, like confused puppies.)
Tom: "Well, Ulyssess, I appreciate the man's sentiments, but what in the name of Odin's Itchy Left One was that hideous clanking and caterwauling?"
USD: "Why, that was a GEE-TAR, boys, of the electrical variety! Yes boys, not even the Polyhymnian muse these days is immune to the illuminating touch of Mister Edison's Lux Electrica, as it were. Why, I believe you'll find that ALL of your favorite instruments are now electralized in some fashion - the squeeze box, the banjo, even the washboard!"
John: "SURELY NOT THE MOUTH HARP!" (whips out a mouth harp and begins playing it miserably, frantically.)
USD: "Yes, John, even that, not only electralized but additionally no longer played by mere flesh-and-blood mortals. Nossir, music today is produced from the gears and pulleys of one of those calculating machines you hear so much of these days, played faster and more efficiently than any human hands could ever manage, and furthermore uplifting men's souls in a manner so profound as only science could deduce in its perfect world of facts and figures. Boys, you're looking here at the future of music." (he pats the mixing board. Tom raises his hand.) "Yes Tom?"
Tom: (with wonder in his eyes) "Ulysses, then ... is this machine here ... FROM SPACE?"
USD: (considers a moment) "Friend, I do believe it might just be! Space travel, as I understand it, these days has become no more time-consuming or difficult than ... well, a train ride up the Missippi was a hundred years ago. Yes, even eternal space opens its celestial portal to the inquiring mind of modern man. I say, boys, you have made the right choice in enlisting me to usher in your fine, rugged selves to the daring potential of the world of the future! Climb aboard, boyws, there's even more wonder awaiting us on the far shore of technology's golden empire."
John: "How so, Ulysess?"
USD: (leans close to the boys, conspiratorally) "Why fellas, I believe it's time we bought you ... MOTORCYCLES!"
(FTB as John and Tom "ooh" appreciatively, and Ulysses grins a wide, overbearing grin ...)
Tom: "Explain it to us again, Ulysses. MY MIND REELS!"
USD: "Boys, it's very simple. In order to accomodate you of the intricacies of the modern civilized world, we must recreate your personalities in the minds of the ever-discriminating viewing audience, vis a vis the way you present yourselves."
John: "But ... Ulysses, OUR THEME SONG! It's what we ARE! It's the traditional song of Men of Adventure throughout time, sung by generations of Men of Adventure, whether awash in white water rapids and fighting sharks and whales, or straddling the peaks of the tallest mountains eviscerating wild mountain panthers with our bare fingers, or impregnating a whore! MY OWN MOTHER sang that very song to me whilst I slept in her STOMACH!"
USD: "Now now boys, people today are a more discriminating sort, and they prefer something more OLD-TIMEY by way of their musical enjoyment! Something toe-tapping! Something that will strum the oft-conflicted strings of the human soul and fill the void of man's eternal hunger with music! Like those fellas you'll be fighting at Fish Fund, they're hep to the scene, daddio! Here, open your ears to this ..." (flips a switch, lights turn on, USD looks pleased) "Ah, here we go boys, I believe this ought to suit you both ..."
(Ulysses taps his fingers and grins as Tom and John wince, listening to GG ALLEN'S "I NEED ADVENTURE," replete with "Yes I do, I need adventure's what I need! I need some wild wild women, I need a girl to go down on me," and so on ... The clip ends, and the MoA look slightly perplexed, like confused puppies.)
Tom: "Well, Ulyssess, I appreciate the man's sentiments, but what in the name of Odin's Itchy Left One was that hideous clanking and caterwauling?"
USD: "Why, that was a GEE-TAR, boys, of the electrical variety! Yes boys, not even the Polyhymnian muse these days is immune to the illuminating touch of Mister Edison's Lux Electrica, as it were. Why, I believe you'll find that ALL of your favorite instruments are now electralized in some fashion - the squeeze box, the banjo, even the washboard!"
John: "SURELY NOT THE MOUTH HARP!" (whips out a mouth harp and begins playing it miserably, frantically.)
USD: "Yes, John, even that, not only electralized but additionally no longer played by mere flesh-and-blood mortals. Nossir, music today is produced from the gears and pulleys of one of those calculating machines you hear so much of these days, played faster and more efficiently than any human hands could ever manage, and furthermore uplifting men's souls in a manner so profound as only science could deduce in its perfect world of facts and figures. Boys, you're looking here at the future of music." (he pats the mixing board. Tom raises his hand.) "Yes Tom?"
Tom: (with wonder in his eyes) "Ulysses, then ... is this machine here ... FROM SPACE?"
USD: (considers a moment) "Friend, I do believe it might just be! Space travel, as I understand it, these days has become no more time-consuming or difficult than ... well, a train ride up the Missippi was a hundred years ago. Yes, even eternal space opens its celestial portal to the inquiring mind of modern man. I say, boys, you have made the right choice in enlisting me to usher in your fine, rugged selves to the daring potential of the world of the future! Climb aboard, boyws, there's even more wonder awaiting us on the far shore of technology's golden empire."
John: "How so, Ulysess?"
USD: (leans close to the boys, conspiratorally) "Why fellas, I believe it's time we bought you ... MOTORCYCLES!"
(FTB as John and Tom "ooh" appreciatively, and Ulysses grins a wide, overbearing grin ...)