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NFW: POST-RANDOM RUMBLE PRESS CONFERENCE [READ AFTER RANDOM RUMBLE]

EastPrez

Pressure Chief
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Jan 1, 2000
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YOUR HONEY-DO LIST:

1) READ RANDOM RUMBLE FIRST!
2) READ THIS PRESSER.
3) RP in NFW FILMS for any/everything.





(FADEIN: To the ESEN GLOBAL “NFW ROOM” back in the ESEN Headquarters at 420 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY, The Day After RANDOM RUMBLE, 11:02am.

The Dark teak wood and dark maroon walls still display large framed photographs of NFW World Champions, now a new space showing JACK HARMEN making snow-angels on the RELOADED mat, surrounded by falling red balloons. Underneath the center-facing podium with the NFW Presidential Seal on it, inbetween two ferns, is still noticeably absent, the HUGE oil painting of ESEN and NFW founder and owner, “Cocky” CRAIG MILES, but replaced with a pop-up banner rig that has the hauntingly white on black FUTURESHOCK logo spreading across it, mixed with repeating ESEN and NFW call letters. The rest of the room is packed to the GILLS with beat writers, dirt-sheeters, neckbeards, “real” media from FOXnews, CNN and other markets, and their microphones are also littering the podium surface--a far cry from the more laid-back Press Conferences in the past.


The buffet is picked-over with several NFW staffers trying to clean up the mess in the background. The room is high-energy and buzzing as the oak double-doors open and NFW Vice President of Marketing and Promotions FIONA LOVE walks in, flanked by the MINTERN. LOVE is wearing a simple black maxi-dress and electric blue heels, with a white/black striped sash tied in a knot to the side of her midsection, and matching blue cat glasses, giving off a Zooey Daschanel vibe. The MINTERN is wearing something similar, a point that LOVE is well aware of, the way she keeps looking back at her and glaring. LOVE approaches the dais and SHOSHANNA places a stack of documents, as well as a large Starbucks on the podium and backs away.)

LOVE: “Thank you all, for coming today. I appreciate your questions from our pre-press meeting earlier and hope that you all are satisfied--and if that didn’t do it, I’m sure those H&H bagels all but made up for them! (some polite laughs in the crowd) You all should have received binders from our staff earlier today that spells out logistics of the upcoming quarter of New Frontier Wrestling Programming and also some key personnel changes, so let’s just get to it. As stated earlier, there will be no questions during this conference. It is my pleasure to present to you, the President of New Frontier Wrestling, DENNIS EDWARD MAYFIELD.” (LOVE and the MINTERN clap as well as the staffers, but the press take photos and make lots of noise as MAYFIELD walks out, wearing a royal-blue suit with a monochrome tie and polka-dot pocket square. MAYFIELD is clean-shaven (for once) and has some bruises on his face, looking like he’s recuperating from a car accident. The crowd settles down as he approaches and nods to LOVE and takes the firing pin out of the Starbucks cup and starts tipping it back.)

MAYFIELD: (After a long pull, and a series of blinks, he smiles.) “GOOD MORNING! (Pressroom laughs, breaking the tension) Thanks you guys for coming out - it was a very sleepy plane ride home out of Chicago, where I was made SUPER-COMFORTABLE by the town, and MAN, I gotta say, if you think the NFW product is Hardcore, take a trip out to Weiner’s Circle and get cussed out by the main lady while you’re trying to order your meal - they string together curse words like a super-chain combo in Super Puzzle Fighter! (More laughs) And yes, Castor Strife, I went to the Weiner’s Circle by MYSELF. Thank you very much. But anyway, I’m happy to be back at Home Base because my office desk looks like a Sharknado hit it - I have SO much work to catch up on, but that all waits until after I debrief you all.”

MAYFIELD: “First of all, RANDOM RUMBLE, right? (Applause + flashbulbs) I’m happy to report for our stockholders and ME, that the pay-per-view numbers were THROUGH THE ROOF for the event, and I’m proud to report that this little fact has proven that ESEN wants New Frontier BACK in the PPV race. The Rumble was the precursor to the BIG CHURRO - which will be FUTURESHOCK TWO this quarter, where we return once again to PPV, AND Baltimore, Maryland. (Appplause! MAYFIELD takes another sip, wincing, and glancing at some papers) And the Random Rumble shored up a few things as we BEGIN the ROAD TO FUTURESHOCK this quarter. First is, by process of winning RANDOM RUMBLE, CASTOR V. STRIFE with an “I” - and can I tell you how happy I am that I don’t have to quantify the guys’ name anymore?--was the last man standing and has guaranteed his place in the Main Event of FUTURESHOCK versus whomever the champion is at the time. And if it’s Jack Harmen - which I’ll get to in a second, I’ll be chomping at the bit, just as the rest of the NFW Universe will be.

MAYFIELD: “ALSO, I instituted a BLANK CONTRACT into the match, that Castor Strife ALSO won - so you’ve got me, Castor (Puts hands up) it’s yours to do what you want with, but after his antics at the end of the night, He should consider riding in a bulletproof Popemobile until Futureshock, because he’s got a rough road ahead of him. Also, one of the biggest shocks of the night was more than ONE surprise: Firstly, that Jack Harmen DOES NOT have terminal cancer. (murmurs and outrage! MAYFIELD nods through it, sipping on the coffee) yeah, I know, and I’m not really at liberty to spill what or HOW I know this, but I’ll leave it up to Jack to explain himself, just know that part of the mountain of envelopes on my desk upstairs are colored pink and say “Deposition Documents” on them, so Jack, I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY, because I AM NOT, and I’ll be dealing with you in my own way as we move forward. Though I am giddy to think that Calvin Carlton shaved his head for nothing. (laughs) Somebody called him a “mini-Steve Harvey” and that brings me SO MUCH joy.”

MAYFIELD: “And the next thing, is the BIG REVEAL of STRYFE WITH A “Y” - as we found out that he was in actuality PAT BLACK, ne CANCER, a former NFW Mid-Atlantic Champion from our early years. This guy, MAN.. (Whistles) on the way home last night, I had my people pull tape of this dude, and he wasn’t nicknamed “The Patron Saint of Violence” for nothing, and also SHAPED the very course NFW runs to this very day. TORCH, who we saw last night was the same guy who powerbombed him into a flaming dumpster in Baltimore almost 14 years ago, getting us in legit heat with the city of Baltimore, getting us BANNED. Check the tape - it’s all there. Now, he’s BACK, and apparently isn’t going to respond to my Facebook friend requests. (laughs from the Neckbeards) I gotta say that this guy looks like he’s been training in a dungeon all this time because he’s HUGE, and he’s just linked up with Jack Harmen, and they are DIRECTLY in front of Castor, AND NFW. You two, “The Walking Dead” I heard O’Connor call them - put a LOT of hurt on me last night, and you HAVE my attention. but guess what? You’re not going to enjoy MINE.” (MAYFIELD shakes his head and steps away for a second)

MAYFIELD: “You know what - I’m sorry - I’m THIS close to cutting promo on these guys - but I’m up here standing as the President. All I can say is, Congrats Castor, Congrats to Jack Harmen for “retaining” the World Championship, and here’s hoping I don’t lace up the Hot Property boots and show up to get my receipt on you guys for last night’s antics. (Shuffles through papers) A few other things: Jack Bryant, who was brutally beaten by Jack Harmen, but showed his legendary heart of a lion as a competitor was RELEASED from his New Frontier Wrestling contract as of 12 midnight last night. Due to several missed obligations, and not fulfilling an armfull of contractual agreements, I have decided to cut him loose. (CUTTO: Stunned reporters! The Neckbeard from Bionickneelift.com opens a Galaxy Note and starts stabbing at it with his fat fingers!) We’re not sure where the road will take the Birmingham Stallion, but we (shakes head) Wish him All the Luck in His Future Endeavors. Also on the IR is Leyenda De Ocho, NFW Triple Crown Champion, who was brutalized by Teddy Alexander last night, and is under medical attention as we speak. I don’t have any news as of yet, but, and I hate to be so forward, but Ocho, we wish you a speedy recovery, but I hope it’s soon, because that Triple-Crown title of yours MUST be defended. (MURMURS!) Our next NFW stop will be in Wichita, Kansas for BRAWL #72, and I’ll give Ocho a breather. But if he is not UP AND ABLE to defend the Smartbelt at BRAWL #73 and doesn’t select CONTINUE?, I will have to ADDRESS the title picture without him in it. (Shocked noise!) And I won’t comment on the use of tazers on Teddy Alexander, but by addressing it, all I can say is - my staff did what it thought necessary. Alexander is out of control and had to be checked. So he GOT checked.”

MAYFIELD: (Going through more papers and blowing air out of his mouth) “Ok, that’s about it for now. Please look for the Q2 venue dates shortly, and we will see you in WICHITA! If you need anything else, ask the DOUBLEMINT TWINS. (CUTTO: LOVE who glares at the MINTERN, who beams, missing the slam entirely) That’s it for me - thanks for coming. I have to go upstairs and book a Cancer charity 5K to make up for Jack Harmen’s mess.”

(FADEOUT as the reporters jump up with questions, and MAYFIELD blows past his staff and through the doors surrounded by SECRET SERVICE!)
 
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