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Road to ULTRATITLE: Birth of the Eagle Star (Or "The Eagle Has Landed")

Nova

Just Like Law-Jesus
Joined
May 15, 2005
Messages
528
Points
0
Age
39
Location
The wrong side of the bong slide.
(FADE IN: A beautiful blue sky). It is picturesque. Nova in particular is able to enjoy its serenity because of his position tumbling end over end through it towards the Earth. Gravity is serious business, folks.

The Warrior of the West reaches into sturdily-buttoned shirt pocket (HEY! They’re utilitarian and stylish! They aren’t like fanny-packs, really!) and removes a cigarette. Lighting it, he scratches his scalp and furrows his brow in confusion.

NOVA: Balls. I forgot how long I was supposed to wait until I pull the string. I’ll try now.

He jerks the cord and the back flap of his pack flies open. What could be a hundred dildos roll out and drop towards the ground a few meters behind Nova.

NOVA: (Observing them) Hmmm…those dildos don’t seem to be doing much towards halting my descent. Let me think…

FLASHBACK: Nova stands at the edge of the open floor door, his hands clutching the straps of his pack in a white-knuckled grip. He puts one foot out, then…

REYARTEB: WAIT! You’ve got the wrong pack!

The undiscovered traitor drags an obviously heavier, more loaded pack over to Nova.

REYARTEB: Here *oomph*, try on this guy and see how it feels.

Nodding, the Western Conference champion slings off his pack, and with a loud grunt swings the other one around onto his back.

REYARTEB: Well?

NOVA: (Face reddening) It feels like there are a hundred dildos in this thing!

Reyarteb averts his eyes, laughing nervously and scratching his head.


Nova pulls out of his memory and directs his gaze to the steadily approaching ground.

NOVA: This is not good.

Suddenly a light-bulb appears over his head, both literally and figuratively. He pulls out his cell phone and dials a number.

NOVA: Come on, pick up…pick up…George! Hey, man, it’s Nova! No, it’s NOVA! WHAT? Yeah, I’ll hold.

Nova looks down at his watch and whistles the Law & Order theme music.

NOVA: Any day now, Geor-hey, man! I’m good, I’m good…ya know, chillin’…umm, hey, I’m in kind of a tight spot, actually. Yeah, I’m free-falling from several thousand feet and my parachute pack was full of dildos. Yeah, functioning, ready-to-go dildos, no parachute. I know, f*cked up. You can? You will? Aww, I owe you one, man! Alright, see you in a few! PEACE!

Nova shuts the phone and pockets it. Moments later, the unmistakable bass of Chief Master Cokehead/Funk MC George Clinton’s system can be heard thumping over the landscape as his UFO rushes to bail Nova out for the second time in less than two months.

A megaphone raises up out of the back of the UFO as it speeds towards the falling ULTRATITLE contender.

VOICE OF GEORGE CLINTON: Relax yo’ body, my man! Otherwise this tractah beam gon’ crush all yo’ bones like…like a bone-crushah, man!

NOVA: Tractor beam?

VOICE OF GEORGE CLINTON: Pffft…more like “crackah beam!”

NOVA: Touché, Señor Clinton.

So Clinton takes him onboard with the tractor beam (it doesn’t crush all his bones) and flies him over to a few miles outside the mountain base of the Dildonites. Nova ponders over how to get in, then George unfurls a schematic (I dunno, George or Nova? Which would be funnier? I mean, I won’t edit it in, so I guess don’t tell me) and the drawing is really great because it’s in Paint and there’s a scary-ass giant squid.

Anyhoo, the schematic shows boxes of dildos and other assorted sex-toys…actually, no, just dildos…floating down a stream that leads into the base via underground entrance. Nova smokes a blunt with Clinton and they part ways. Nova then jumps into the stream with the suction-cup gloves he got out of the back of the UFO and latches onto one of the boxes, riding it down into the base.

He sneaks past the guards in really neat, well thought-out stealth ninja fashion, dropping one of them via bow to the face and ganking his uniform, before eventually reaching the room where the Hyperspace Kid is being held. He’s almost got the Kid untangled when a host of bad guys rush through the door. Nova finds the “strength within” or some sh*t and begins beating the snot out of all of them as Lamont Hollywood and Terry O’Connor pop out of crates in the corner and call the action like an episode of Midnight Madness. This is the part of the story where the title becomes relevant as Nova finally becomes the Eagle Star that everyone has predicted him to be, waylaying all comers and helping drag the Kid out of the base. The Chairman is waiting outside in a small ship that will take all three men back to the N.U.G. starship, they share a moment, reflect on the coming match, and damn booze for its making me too face-rocked to properly write out this RP, especially the Hollywood/O’Connor bit, which had potential.

In closing, boobies. Weed. Gay jokes. Most importantly, dildos.

Dildos.
 

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