Welcome to FWrestling.com!

You've come to the longest running fantasy wrestling website. Since 1994, we've been hosting top quality fantasy wrestling and e-wrestling content.

Royal Fun Ball!

GARTHIsTheLaw

League Member
Joined
Jan 1, 2000
Messages
345
Points
16
Age
42
Location
Elsewhere
Website
www.acrn.com
I spontaneously decided to write this satirical recap of the Royal Rumble after I watched it a few weeks back, but was too lazy to post it before now. If anyone’s ever seen the RAW Satire on Online Onslaught, you’ll know what I’m ripping off with my recap of the Royal Rumble. What? You’ve never heard of it? GREAT! Anyway, this recap is peppered with inside jokes that nobody but me will understand, so enjoy.

WWE RAW and SmackDown! present: THE ROYAL FUN BALL!

THURSDAY ON SMACKDOWN!: Los Chavos announced that Chavo Jr.’s match with Uncle Eddie at the Rumble will be for full ownership of Kurt Angle’s watch, and Eddie cleverly stopped Angle from finding out he stole the watch by telling Angle “earmuffs!” Team Punch-Out!! went and did it again, losing to Chris Benoit and Slim Cena for the 623rd time. There was a big, empty void in the show where Ernest "The Cat" Miller should have been. The WWE fans demand more Ernest Miller, more of the time!

Tonight, RAW and SmackDown! present the ROYAL FUN BALL! 30 men will enter, only one will remain! Spoiler: Shelton Benjamin will not win.

TABLE MATCH FOR THE WORLD TAG TITLES: RIC FLAIR & BATISTA VS. DUDLEY BOYZ

Coach is doing commentary because the Dudleyz beat him with a stick on Raw. Bubba blinks and misses D-Von getting put through a table by Batista. Flair plays with a Rubik’s Cube. Coach asks him what he’s going to do now that he’s beaten the Dudleyz. Flair says he’s going to Disney World to take Coach’s old lady for a ride on Space Mountain, fat boy! WHOOO! Coach is offended, yet strangely intrigued.

Slim Cena is backstage with Josh Mathews.

Cena: Word Life. I’m ‘a go out there tonight and win the Royal Rumble and stuff.
Mathews: Word Life, indeed.
Cena: Jesus Christ. I mean…I know I sound kinda goofy when I say that stuff, but I swear if you talk like that again, I will twist you into a pretzel.
RVD: Did someone say “pretzel”? Dude, got enough to share?
Cena: It was a metaphor.
RVD: (stares blankly)
Cena: That means it wasn’t literal.
RVD: (stares blankly)
Cena: God dammit RVD. I’m so going to enjoy watching you get held down later tonight.
RVD: Like you have any chance of winning.
Cena: Hey, I might! Just because I’m booked to face Big Show for the U.S. title at No Way Out, doesn’t…mean…um…
(RVD wanders off, looking for pretzels. Cena looks sad)
Mathews: John?
Cena: Um. Word Life. Basic thuganomics. You can’t see me. I pity the fool.
(Cena scurries off)

CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE: REY MYSTERIO VS. HILLBILLY JIM NOBLE (w/ HIS BLIND GIRLFRIEND NIDIA)

His Blind Girlfriend Nidia can’t see, so she doesn’t even have to blink to miss Noble jobbing. It might have taken less time than the average blink anyway. Noble yells about a bunch of stuff, and Rey smiles for the camera. But you can tell he’s bitter that he doesn’t get to lose in the Royal Rumble later.

A promo recaps the battle over Kurt Angle’s watch.

FOR KURT ANGLE’S WATCH: EDDIE GUERRERO VS. CHAVO GUERRERO (w/ CHAVO GUERRERO SR.)

Even when accompanied by Chavo Sr., Chavo isn’t introduced as Chavo Jr. Chavo Sr. tries hard not to blink, but eventually he does and Chavo Jr. jobs. Eddie then shows off his MAD FACE SKEEEEELLLLLZ by beating his family members bloody. He fought long and hard for that watch. It’s a good thing Kurt Angle didn’t come to ringside. Chavo Sr. is sad. Chavo Jr. is too busy jobbing to be sad.

Josh Mathews is backstage with Chris Benoit.

Mathews: Chris, you’re entering the Rumble at number one. What is your strategy?
Benoit: My strategy? It’s the same…as it always is.
Mathews: Which is what, again?
Benoit: I will talk…very slowly…with pauses in my speech…for no apparent reason.
Mathews: Sound strategy.
Flair: WHOO! Randy Orton’s going to win the Rumble, Benoit! And then he’s going to take your old lady for a ride on Space Mountain, fat boy! WHOO!
Orton: I don’t want his old lady. She’s Canadian.
Flair: More for me! C’mon fellas, let’s go get ready to watch Triple-H hold Shawn Michaels down!
Mathews: Your thoughts?
Benoit: My thoughts…are the same…as they always are…

A promo recaps the epic feud that started when Hardcore Holly took a bump wrong.

WWE TITLE: SUPER MACHO MAN VS. HARDCORE HOLLY

Hardcore Holly doesn’t bring anyone to ringside with him as a strategy to avoid jobbing in the blink of an eye. Holly hits the Sheeba Shabba Slam, then tries to break Super Macho Man’s neck with a full nelson, but he still hasn’t figured out that Brock HAS no neck. Super Macho Man fights out of it then goes for his instant knockdown spinning punch. Holly dodges the first few spins, but then he gets dizzy and jobs. Brock wins!

Triple-H is seen backstage getting his wrists taped. He asks the doctor to tape his fists so he can go for the Hacksaw Jim Duggan win, but no dice. Shawn Michaels is backstage praying. Little does he know that his opponent actually IS God.

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE: TRIPLE-H VS. SHAWN MICHAELS

Triple-H starts the match off by blinking in an effort to make Shawn job, but Shawn is pumped up with JESUS POWER~! and ain’t havin’ that. Shawn and HHH go outside the ring and Shawn makes a leap of faith towards Triple-H, having faith in himself not to completely overshoot his mark and crash face-first into the Spanish announce table. Unfortunately, Shawn’s faith is misplaced. Triple-H beats Shawn with a stick for awhile, but no matter how many times he blinks, Shawn won’t job. Finally, Shawn gets his Superkick on and knocks HHH down. HHH doesn’t have the strength to answer the ten-count, but he does have the strength to blink one last time, and this time Shawn doesn’t have the power to resist jobbing. Luckily for him, HHH stays down too. Earl Hebner is the last man standing, so he wins the World Heavyweight Title! Viva la Hebner!

Eric Bischoff and Paul Heyman get in an argument in the ring. Then Stone Cold runs them over with his ATV and drinks beer.

ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH
RAW participants: Booker T, Y2J4, Christian, Goldberg, Kane, Mark Henry, Matt Hardy, Randy Orton, Rene Dupree, Rico, Rob Van Dam, Scott Steiner, Spike Dudley, Test, The Hurricane
SmackDown! participants: Bear Hugger, Mad Clown, Billy Gunn, Blondshaw, Ivory, Chris Benoit, Ernest “The Cat” Miller, Slim Cena, Kurt Angle, Aran Ryan, Nunzio, Not Bald Anymore Bull, Rikishi, Ebony, Red Power Ranger


Chris Benoit is #1. EVOLUTION IS A MYSTERY! Randy Orton is #2, and Benoit attacks him for thinking his old lady isn’t good enough for a ride on Space Mountain. Mark Henry lumbers to the ring at #3. Red Power Ranger is #4, and he’s sad because Black Power Ranger and Blue Power Ranger got beaten by Blondshaw, so they can’t form the Megazord (not that it matters, because Big Show ate the Megazord). So now in the ring, we’ve got a gap-toothed Canadian, a white pretty-boy, a big angry black guy, and a Japanese guy who knows martial arts. It’s Stereotype-Fest 2004 in the ring! Blondshaw ruins the fun by entering #5. He delivers Clotheslines from three different circles of Hell, but Benoit is mad because he was enjoying Stereotype-Fest 2004, so he eliminates Blondshaw.

Not Bald Anymore Bull is #6, and Benoit almost eliminates him as well, but decides that since Bald Bull was from Turkey, he can let Rhyno slide. NBA Bull eliminates Red Power Ranger when he’s distracted by Putties outside the ring. Benoit eliminates Mark Henry, buleedat. Matt Hardy is #7, and he hides in a corner so no one can blink and make him get eliminated. Scott Steiner is #8, and he shocks the world by competently performing a few wrestling moves. Unfortunately, that takes all the strength he has, and he collapses. Aran Ryan is #9, and Team Punch-Out!! is now two strong. Aran Ryan hits Benoit with his version of the Hurricane Rush. Speaking of Hurricane, the Hurricane is #10. He tries to activate his super powers on Morgan for using a move with his name in it, but unfortunately he activates Rosey’s super power instead, which is jobbing, so he gets eliminated.

Booker T is #11, accompanied to the ring by his manager, the Really Terrible Entrance Music. Orton is transfixed by the Really Terrible Entrance Music and Booker T scissor kicks him. This match needs a little more Kane, so luckily, he’s #12. Kane is allergic to horse steroids though, so Booker T obliges him by eliminating Steiner, who is still dazed from doing all that wrestling earlier. Kane thanks him by setting everyone else in the ring on fire. The Undertaker’s music plays for #13, but since The Undertaker was killed by Kane, he has to possess Spike Dudley to go after Kane. Kane is distracted by UnderSpiker and Booker T eliminates him. UnderSpiker attempts to inflict retribution on Kane, but Kane chokeslams The Undertaker right out of him. Then he kills Spike. Rikishi is #14, and he goes after Booker T because everyone else is on fire and his thong is highly flammable. The searing pain causes Not Bald Anymore Bull to forget that you can’t Gore someone who’s standing against the ropes, and the fiery Benoit backdrops the fiery Rhyno to a fiery elimination. Rene Dupree is #15, and he puts out the fire because he has no heat. He also eliminates Matt Hardy, because Matt’s been in the ring entirely too long for some punk-ass cruiserweight. Then Rikishi eliminates Dupree for being a bad dancer.

Bear Hugger is #16, to bring the Team Punch-Out!! total to two again. But Aran Ryan misses his grab move and Benoit eliminates him, dropping the total back down to one. Rikishi and Booker T try to get rid of Bear Hugger, but Randy Orton, enraged that someone as pretty as him got set on fire and guys as ugly as Booker T and Rikishi didn’t, throws out both of them. Ebony is #17. Benoit eliminates Bear Hugger for looking like an enormous, hairy baby without his beard. Orton can only eliminate minorities, so he dumps Benjamin. Orton is the Minority Killer! Benoit and Orton are alone in the ring, and they run into each other and fall down. ORTON WINS! But Orton is down too, so I guess he doesn’t win. Speaking of not winning, Ernest Miller is #18, and no one’s a winner there. Miller dances a jig, but since he’s a minority, Orton eliminates him. Benoit eliminates Lamont’s wig. Kurt Angle is #19, and he goes after Orton, because if nobody on SmackDown! knows where his watch is, maybe Orton does. But then Angle attacks Benoit for being Canadian. Rico is #20, and his gimmick suggests that he’s gay, which makes him enough of a minority for Orton to eliminate him.

Test’s entrance music is #21. But Mick Foley comes out and eliminates Test’s entrance music. He eliminates Orton, too. He also eliminates himself, because he knows if he wins the Rumble that just means he’s going to have to job to Triple-H again. Foley beats Orton with a stick outside the ring. Christian is #22, but all the cameras are on Foley and Orton, so Christian does the Macarena in the ring. Angle and Benoit provide backing vocals. Foley tries to hit Orton with the steps, but they’re too heavy and he falls over. ORTON WINS! Orton scampers off. Nunzio is #23, and Foley smacks him around because Orton isn’t the ONLY Minority Killer in town anymore. Mad Clown is #24, and he’s the last hope for Team Punch-Out!!. He considers eating Nunzio, but then he remembers that he doesn’t like Italian food, so he just beats up everyone else. Y2J4 is #25 and he thanks Benoit for getting Mark Henry’s stank out of the ring.

Ivory is #26, and she’s happy because she doesn’t have to job to Molly Holly at this pay-per-view. Y2J4 eliminates Christian for having silly hair. Billy Gunn makes his sixth miraculous return from injury (seriously, he’s done it six times, I counted), and the audience cares about it about as much as they cared about it the previous five times, which is to say not much. Billy tries to put a little Ass on the ring in Rikishi’s absence, but he can’t sing baritone, so he settles for Fame Assing a few people. Slim Cena is #28 and he throws Nunzio in the ring. He forgets to rap about his style being like a swollen penis this year. That makes me sad. Rob Van Dam comes to the ring #29, looking for some pretzels. Angle offers to buy him a big soft pretzel if RVD finds Angle’s watch, but RVD can only find his own watch, and he’s not about to program a new watch to play “La Cucaracha” whenever it strikes 4:20. Finally, Goldberg is #30. Goldberg enters and spears damn near everything he can spear. He eliminates Ivory for being a jobber on the RAW brand. Then he eliminates Billy Gunn for being worthless and Nunzio for ripping off the Beastie Boys’ “No Sleep Till Brooklyn” as his entrance music. Then Super Macho Man comes to the ring and F-5’s Goldberg. Goldberg tells Super Macho Man he’s Next, which is ironic, because it’s actually Goldberg who is next – next to be eliminated, courtesy of Angle! Yes! Touchdown!

That leaves Benoit, Angle, Mad Clown, Y2J4, Cena, and RVD. Everyone hits their finisher on Mad Clown, because we all know how well that worked with Goldberg on RAW. Everyone then tries to eliminate Mad Clown, but Paul Heyman comes out and yells “Show time!” filling Mad Clown with CLOWN FURY~! Mad Clown fights everyone off by throwing green juggling balls at them. He eliminates Cena, then tries to eat RVD. He chokes on RVD’s thick smoky flavor, though, and hacks him up, and RVD lands outside the ring, so he’s eliminated too.

The final four are Benoit, Angle, Mad Clown, and Y2J4. Y2J4 puts Mad Clown in the Walls of Jericho and Mad Clown taps out. Mad Clown then eliminates Y2J4 for being stupid. Kurt Angle puts Mad Clown in the ankle lock, and Mad Clown taps out again, but then eliminates Angle for being stupid too. Benoit puts Mad Clown in the Crossface, and Mad Clown taps out again. He tries to eliminate Benoit for being stupid like Jericho and Angle and using submissions on him, but Benoit had the Crossface on long enough to build up a Super Uppercut, and he uses it to TKO Mad Clown. Benoit wins the Rumble! Oh, Team Punch-Out!!, you’ve gone and done it again. Benoit celebrates by whistling the theme from “Rocky” through the gap in his teeth.

NEXT WEEK ON SMACKDOWN!: Paul Heyman introduces the newest member of Team Punch-Out!! – Ultimo Dragon Chan. Kurt Angle gets a hot tip that Eddie Guerrero has his watch, and this time Eddie blames Dawn Marie – with sexy results! Ernest Miller beats Super Macho Man for the WWE Title, and Hardcore Holly leaps to his death.
 

Starbreaker

Member
Joined
Jan 10, 2004
Messages
409
Points
16
Age
40
Location
New York
Wow......wow....heh.

Great stuff, man! Totally out of the blue, and definitely a lot of laughs.

And I don't know if you knew, but Triple H really can make people job with a blink of the eye! Or a twitch of the forehead wrinkles.... :D
 

About FWrestling

FWrestling.com was founded in 1994 to promote a community of fantasy wrestling fans and leagues. Since then, we've hosted dozens of leagues and special events, and thousands of users. Come join and prove you're "Even Better Than The Real Thing."

Add Your League

If you want to help grow the community of fantasy wrestling creators, consider hosting your league here on FW. You gain access to message boards, Discord, your own web space and the ability to post pages here on FW. To discuss, message "Chad" here on FW Central.

What Is FW?

Take a look at some old articles that are still relevant regarding what fantasy wrestling is and where it came from.
  • Link: "What is FW?"
  • Top