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SLAMTRACK 5

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brusch

Main Event Caliber
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[An open so cold you’d swear it was Siberian.]

[The grim and stone-lined face of "THE LAST TITAN" IVAN DALKICHEV fills the screen at an extreme close-up. Red Line's own Crimson Colossus breaths in and out deep and heavy as his murderous blue-eyed gaze stares out beyond the camera. From somewhere off camera comes the voice of his business manager NATHAN FEAR...]

NF: "Look into those eyes, Red Line Wrestling... tell me what you see. Do you see a monster? A maniac?"

[The shot slowly zooms out, showing Dalkichev on a bench in the locker room, clad in his crimson red singlet with a white towel draped across his neck. A shrewish, middle-aged trainer in rubber gloves, dwarfed in size compared to the larger Ivan, gingerly massages the giant's large trapezius and deltoid muscles. In the background, Fear passes by back and forth like a shadow.]

NF: "What you're REALLY seeing is PERFECTION in flesh and bone. What you're seeing is the mythic ubermensch brought to life. What you see... is GREATNESS. And GREATNESS cannot be denied its rightful place in the annals of sports history..."

[The shot zooms out the rest of the way to reveal all of Fear, just as he ends the pacing by hissing the trainer away. Proudly, he rests his hand on Ivan's shoulder as his sinister eyes and deceitful smile find the camera.]

NF: "And I assure you, good people of Chicago... anybody in all of Red Line Wrestling who attempts to deny this man his rightful place... will suffer dire consequences."

[He bares his teeth like a savage wolf and holds out his hand to clench his fist.]

NF: "TONIGHT... KID KOALA and the SECOND COMING will put up their futile efforts... but in the end, 'The Last Titan' Ivan Dalkichev will leave them as broken, worthless husks in that ring! And after that... RUSH HOUR... where all that stands in the way of attaining the GREATNESS we deserve is the simple matter of dealing with RUSS SPACKLER, and claiming the RED CROWN CHAMPIONSHIP!"

[Fear looks intently down to Ivan, squeezing the enormous shoulder beneath the hand resting there.]

NF: "Ivan... I KNOW you will make me proud tonight! After everything we've been through... after all we've WORKED for... we've finally reached our breakthrough!"

[Ivan slowly and deliberately turns his head slightly in his manager's direction, then fixates his gaze once again on the camera, as it slowly begins to zoom in on his face once again...]

ID: "You are right, Mister Fear..."

[As his rage-filled face once again fills the screen, his lips curl back into an intense, bloodthirsty sneer.]

ID: "TONIGHT... I WILL BREAK... THROUGH!"

[……..]
RED LINE WRESTLING
in conjunction with DePaul University
PRESENTS…

SLAMTRACK 5


LIVE from the SULLIVAN ATHLETIC CENTER, CHICAGO, ILLINOIS



[1400 fans – you read that right – have packed their excited butts into the Sullivan Athletic Center. Barry has to crank the music up a bit louder than usual to prevent it from being drowned out by the ever-growing crowd. DANNY DALTON is all smiles in a faded-maroon “I’m A Pepper” tee with a black blazer and jeans.]

DD: “WELCOME to SLAMTRACK FIVE!! Danny Dalton here. We are exactly ONE SHOW AWAY from the biggest night in our young company’s history – Red Line’s first ever online pay per view, RUSH HOUR! If you missed our last show, you should feel bad and you should pause this recording, grab a big ol’ bowl of popcorn, and turn your night into a double-feature. PAUSE THIS RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE IT’S ABOUT TO BECOME SPOILER TOWN. Okay? Okay. The final two semifinalists were set for tonight's main event tag match. LEYENDA DE OCHO, our head trainer here at the Red Line, stopped by for a visit and the crowd was ready to erupt for an impromptu clash between him and Yoshikazu YAZ of team J-MAX – which immediately devolved to chaos as the Marsupials of Mayhem and half the roster poured out the back. Bryan Rodgers was there, I looked like David Bowie – it was a hell of a night! Awesome – it looks like Arin McHenry is in the ring and we’re ready to kick things off with a bang!”

[ARIN McHENRY, blonde-streaked hair continuing to grow just a hair too long, stands the ring in a bright neon green suit with a black shirt and yellow tie. It’s still unclear where he keeps finding these suits. He lifts his Bob Barker–style microphone up and clears his throat, contemplating new octaves in his hearty baritone. Friendly RLW junior referee Jen Glass stands at the ready.]

AM: “thhhhhhhhHHHHHHHIS MATCH, IS SET FOR ONE FALLLLLLLL!”

GO-GO SPECTACULAR v. BRYAN RODGERS





[The crowd cheers and dances (some of them ironically) as ska jams begin to pound through the speakers. BRYAN “THE MANIAC” RODGERS steps through the curtain in a sleeveless duster with every square inch covered with brand logos, ranging from the bland to the sexually explicit. You’d probably bet it was originally silver before all the logo placement. He bobs to the jams, carrying what he affectionately calls SKULLINGTON T. CHAIR, and the strangely hypnotizing and cartoonishly proportioned MIDORI ONITA, furiously scrolling through her smartphone, follows him to the ring.]

AM: “Introducing FIRST! FROM SNOWWWWWWFLAKE, ARIZONAAAAA…weighing in at 243 POUNDS! THE MANIAC….BRYAAAAAAAN RRRRRRRROOOOOOODGERRRRRRS!”

DD: “That’s…that’s a LOT of brands. And I’m doing my best to not keep my eyes glued on Midori Onita because this is supposed to be a family show and if my mother is watching this I don’t want to get in trouble, but GOOD LORD, MAN. Viewers may remember Rodgers’ debut, so to speak, at SLAMTRACK 4 – it’s no secret he’s become the main product-pusher for a Japanese company, but it remains to be seen how he competes in the ring.”

[After setting SKULLINGTON ringside, he reaches into god-knows-where and pulls out his MAGIC H8 BALL, asking it a question before shaking it and peering for a response. A cameraman does his best to try to get the proper angle to read the response, but before he can get the shot, MIDORI barks at RODGERS. RODGERS proceeds to lose his smile and begin pointing at various emblems on his duster.



[The crowd cheers BIG TIME, and it’s clear there’s been a surge in RLW popularity with young girls – several are caught on camera with make-shift Lucha masks and cut-up custom sleeves. GO-GO soaks in the cheers before figuratively flying towards the ring, showing her incredible balance as she stops on a dime and poses In the ring, pointing to the young fans in the stands. She says a silent prayer to herself as she makes her way to the top turnbuckle and points out once more]

AM: “…..and, from, ELLLLLLL PASO! She is LATINA FIRE…GO-GOOOOOOO SPECTACULARRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrr…” [ARIN tries once again to role his R’s at the end of ‘Spectacular’. Once again, he is unsuccessful. He coughs to himself before exiting the ring.]

DD: “I’m so happy to see Go-Go Spectacular again, you guys. You may remember back in SLAMTRACK 3, when Ivan Dalkichev took it upon himself to straight-up BRUTALIZE Go-Go after she came up victorious in a debut triple threat match. I think we were all a bit worried that Go-Go’s career could have ended before it really started, but the doctors have given the OK, she looks fired up, and she’s ready to get things going!”

[Jen Glass signals for the bell. GO-GO bounces from foot to foot as she circles around RODGERS before they lock up. RODGERS gains the early advantage and hits a meat-and-potatoes body slam followed immediately by a leg drop. GO-GO bounces up quickly, but is immediately caught in a chinlock. MIDORI yells something at her whipping boy, and RODGERS quickly looks around until he finds a camera and shouts “THIS CHIN LOCK IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY MELLO YELLO. MELLO YELLO, THE REFR-“; he is cut off by sharp elbows to the gut, enabling GO-GO to break free and hit a flash Enzuigiri. Both get up quickly, RODGERS holding his head and GO-GO adjusts her jaw.]

DD: “Some back and forth here in the early going – it looks like Rodgers definitely has some talent out there, it’s just a matter of balancing THIS career and whatever the hell is going on with Midori Onita! Go-Go off the ropes, DUCKS beneath a Rodgers lariat – bouncing back, she stops – THE BKE! IT’S THE BEST KICK EVER! Rodgers is down, here’s the cover! NNNNO! He kicks out! She gets him up now, that’s a HARD knee shot to his gut – and another! Another! ANOTHER! Rodgers definitely is out of sorts here, AN ACE CRUSHER BY GO-GO SPECTACULAR! Another cover here – 1! 2!! TH-NO!!!!! A big beating for sure, but Rodgers is hanging tough out there.”

[GO-GO motions to the crowd, feeding off their energy and enthusiasm. RODGERS looks woozy as he stands up, but he’s motioning his opponent to charge at him. GO-GO obliges, going for a roundhouse kick – which RODGERS catches and in a blur of speed, counters into an Ironclaw STO! He begins to position himself for the pin, but right as he is about to make the cover, IDORI shouts instructions at him; RODGERS points to a patch on his duster yells out “THIS PINFALL COMES TO YOU FROM MAYBELLEINE, NOW WITH A NEW APP FOR YOUR iPHONE. MAYBE SHE’S BORN WITH IT, MAYBE IT’S MAYBELLEINE.” The pin ensues, and GO-GO kicks out at two. RODGERS shakes out the cobwebs a bit as he positions GO-GO for the Pledge Drive. Once again, IDORI shouts out. RODGERS searches his garments for the location of the next shill; there are so many, they all seem to blend together. Just as he finds it, GO-GO breaks out and runs for the ropes! RODGERS follows, GO-GO bounces off the top rope…]

DD: “THE E-F-5 FROM GO-GO SPECTACULAR! Such a pretty move! Here’s the coverrrrrrr – YES! SHE’S DONE IT!



AM: “Theeeeeeee winnerofthismatch…GO-GOOOOOOOO SPECTACULARRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrr!”

[GO-GO raises her arms in victory before making her way out of the ring. IDORI is irate and begins to yell at her fallen merch-pusher, a couple slaps to the back of his head for good measure.]

DD: “Here’s what we’ve learned, folks…Rodgers has talent! Rodgers is tough! And Rodgers can’t seem to hit a big move without having to plug one of the Nakamura Global Conglomerate’s many, MANY companies! We’ll have to see how he can overcome this obvious, if sexy, roadblock.

Next up, folks – did you feel like this show was missing something? I think I did too…”

[We are down the street from the Sullivan Athletic Center, at DePaul’s Ray Meyer Fitness and Recreation Center, a three story athletic facility with a wide range of training equipment, basketball courts, racquetball, weights, an indoor track, and a café/lounge area. It is at this lounge that we see JOHNNY DORN, seated, staring fairly blatantly at the yoga-pants-clad college girls making their way up and down the adjacent stairs. He has ordered the least healthy thing this gym’s café offers – a greasy chicken quesadilla with a red energy drink. The contents of a small vodka bottle have just been discreetly poured into his drink as the camera opens. He’s on his cell phone.]

JD: “Bro. You know I don’t play that weak-ass ‘We have a hundred different independent breweries on our menu’ hob-nob beer snob bull****. Bruh. BRUH. I’m telling you, that’s where all the damn hipsters go, and you know I ain’t into no hipster chicks. We’re going to Clark Street, we’re hitting every bar there, and then we’re going to John Barleycorn for some BOMBS and that’s the end of it! …bruh. BRUH, you need to step your game up – hold on a second, I got another call. Calm your tits, bro, it might be a booty call!”

[DORN looks at his phone, a puzzled (if you give him enough intellectual credit to be ‘puzzled’ by anything) look on his face. He presses the screen and returns the phone to his faceholes.]

JD: “Yeah? …..

…..you want me to meet you at Sullivan? Bro, I’m not booked tonight, that means beers for DAYS…yo, who is this? Hello?”

[DORN looks at his phone again, doubly confused. He returns to his original call.]

JD: “Bro, I’m gonna have to call you back.”

[DORN hangs up, chugs a solid 2/3 of his energy drink, and takes a carnivorous bite out of his quesadilla as he makes his way to the front door. Cut to DALTON-cam.]

DD: “Well THAT’S ominous…we promise we’ve got a man on the scene and if there are further developments, we will have them for you LIVE. Next up, we’ve got some HOT TRIOS ACTION! Those wild and crazy boys from the House of Hill are in action against a team that, frankly, has a lot of the locker room’s attention: J-MAX!”

AM: “Ladies and gentlemen, the following is a TRIOS MATCH, and it’s scheduled for ONE FALLLLLLLLLLLLLL…”

HOUSE OF HILL v. J-MAX



[One by one, “RADICAL” ROGER STEVENS, PACO LOSANTIO, and YOSHIKAZU YAZ make their way through the curtain. The hipster crowd section is losing their collective minds, which draws raised eyebrows from the yuppies and gen-pop college crowd. They stand shoulder to shoulder, stern and resolute, as finally LISA LOEH emerges and stands before her trio of warriors. She looks out to the crowd for a brief moment, as if scientifically analyzing the angles and blind spots of the room, before leading the group towards the ring.]

AM: “Introducing FIRST! At a combined weight of 656 POUUUUUUNDS…accompanied to the ring by LISAAAA LOEH…JAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY-MAX!”

DD: “They’re here and they’re ready to make a statement NOW! All three of these competitors have a bevy of international experience that would intimidate a lot of the folks in the Red Line locker room…it’s hard to deny, this group looks to be allllll business tonight. What’s really interesting to me, though, is that their opponents seem to thrive in a very un-businesslike environment. A CLASH OF STYLES, if you will.”



[The three Hills, of varying build and costume, stand shoulder to shoulder to shoulder at the top of the ramp. They try for the briefest of moments to keep a stern and angry face towards the ring; SIMON HILL’S face cracks a smile first, followed by a SAM HILL chuckle and a J.J. HILL raucous smack to his teammate’s bums before they all break down and amble towards the ring.]

AM: “AND THEIR OPPONENTS! At a combined weight of 696 POUUUUUUNDS…THE HOUSE! OF! HILLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!”

DD: “Fan favorites who seem to find themselves in the mix of everything – none of them advanced to the Red Crown Tournament semis, but at the same time, none of them were pinned…they main evented the first-ever SLAMTRACK for the win, but it must be said – these seem to be far bigger stakes, against a far better opponent. Let’s see them step up to the challenge!”

[Referee Ross Russell signals for the bell as SAM HILL and ROGER STEVENS start things off. Immediately, it is a clinic in unnecessarily stiff knife-edge chops from STEVENS. Each one echoes through the arena like a whip crack and is followed by “OOOOOOOOH”s by the crowd. SIMON and J.J. cheer on their compatriot, and SAM tries to make his way to the corner, but STEVENS isolates him and, looking to LISA LOEH for confirmation, tags in his partner PACO LOSANTIO. The salty luchador throws fiercely precise kicks high, low, and in between; SAM tries to block, but seems to guess wrong with almost every kick. A final stiff Triangle Jump Enzuigiri near the J-MAX corner sends SAM to his back, though he’s able to kick out of the pin at two.]

DD: “This is some ISOLATION, folks! This is just a trios team with a game plan who figured out that if you can physically dissect one man early on, it’s basically a three-on-one! Sam Hill needs to tag out, NOW.”

[LISA LOEH cracks the wryest of grins and her strategic mastery is tangible. Each move, each tag, each toss of SAM HILL into J-MAX’s corner has a clinical and calculated feel to it, a cold efficiency. SAM HILL finally gets a little bit of breathing room, throwing frantic haymakers that connect with varying success to YAZ’s face, but YAZ shuts it down with green Asian Mist! SAM blindly stumbles, trying to follow the voices of his teammates who are red-faced and DESPERATE for the hot tag; SAM runs for it, but finds himself hitting the ropes just outside the outstretched arm of J.J. HILL. Stumbling back off the ropes, he’s met with the Shotei from YAZ. ]

DD: ”Oh my GOD, Sam Hill’s just been RAILROADED out there! Here’s the cover – 1! The Hills trying to save it! 2! STEVENS AND LOSANTIO WITH STEREO SPEARS TO J.J. AND SIMON! It’s over folks – WOW. What a HUGELY impressive showing by the veteran team of J-MAX!”



AM: “Theeeee winnerofthismatch…J-MAX!”

DD: “The Hills are known for their heart and their fun-loving nature, but frankly, I don’t know if ANY team would have had the kind of studious clinical battle plan that J-MAX had out there tonight. Experience matters, people, and it’s hard to find more than what this team brings.”

[LOEH leads her trio of warriors out as SIMON and J.J. check on their fallen compatriot. SAM HILL looks completely out of it, and needs the physical support of his teammates to stand and walk up the ramp. The crowd offers appreciative cheers to the HOUSE OF HILL for hanging in as long as they could against what could only be described as a disheartening rout.]

DD: “And now folks, I’ve got a treat for you straight from perhaps the most popular man in the company…BARRY THE INTERN! He’s worked really hard on a video presentation for RUSH HOUR, and without further ado, LET’S CHECK IT OUT!!”

[A blinding red screen. Black text, no graphics. Extremely lazy and simple wipe transitions.]

RUSH HOUR

featuring…

THE RED CROWN TOURNAMENT FINALS

#1 CONTENDER ELIMINATION MATCH

SPECIAL GUEST COMMENTATOR LEYENDA DE OCHO

………AND MORE!!!!11

rlw.


[The Danny-cam. DALTON’s head is buried in his hands.]

DD: “He spent…six…hours…making that.” [he lifts his head out and wearily smiles to the camera.] “I guess this is as good a time as any to say that we’re looking to hire a full-time graphic artist! If you or a friend lives in the Chicago area and would like to help give the best up-and-coming wrestling promotion in the country look slightly more professional than that, send in your resume! …Jesus, Barry. At least the info itself, while sparse and uninteresting to visually digest, is chock full of reasons to check our RUSH HOUR when it goes live! It looks like Arin’s ready to announce the next match. Please oh please, take it away.”

SKYLAR MONTGOMERY v. FAFNIR




[The Real Life German Dragon, FAFNIR, roars heartily and spits what must be a half-cup of saliva as he marches towards the ring, screaming a wild and insulting mix of German and English along the way. A half-eaten meaty leg of some dead animal is in his left hand.]

AM: “INTRODUCING FERST….from DUSSELDORF, GERMANY! WEIGHING INNNNNNN at 270 pounds. THE GERMAN DRAGON! FAFNIRRRRRRRRRRRR!”

DD: “Can he bring that thing in here? Guys? Oh, God. He’s bringing it over here – thank you, FAFNIR. I appreciate your gift of boar meat. Thank you, yes – go to the ring now, you’re about to fight a guy. Yes, I’m going to – yes, it’s delicious looking. Mmmmmm! …….please don’t hurt me. Oh god, its juices are getting all over the table…”



[As the guitars begin in the theme, SKYLAR MONTGOMERY emerges from the curtain, lit cigarette in his mouth. RLW security quickly rushes over and confiscates the cig in an effort to comply with Chicago indoor smoking laws – the man they call SkyMont threatens a backhanded slap in response, but the security fellow gets away. He struts to the ring, holding his hand to his head in the shape of a gun. A handgun. Get it? Hand…gun....]

AM: “FROM LONDON, ENGLAND…weighing in at 198 pounds, he is SUICIDAL! HE IS…SKYLARRRRRRR MONTGOMERYYYYYYYYYYYY.”

DD: “We’ve got a debut tonight, folks! He’s SkyMont, and they say this man is suicidal. Sometimes that’s the most dangerous kind of person to have around because you never quite know what they’re going to do next or where their head’s at. This has potential to be a bizarre one, folks, because I don’t think he gives a damn that his opponent is a real-life honest-to-goodness forged-in-flame-and-hoarder-of-treasure German Dragon.”

[Referee Jen Glass signals for the bell. FAFNIR literally roars at SkyMont, who shrugs and charges head-first. FAFNIR does a standing belly-bump when SkyMont reaches him, sending MONTGOMERY flying across the ring. Stomping his feet, FAFNIR charges and attempts a running splash. MONTGOMERY rolls out of the ring in the nick of time, in no rush to get back in there.]

DD: “Even a suicidal man has his strategies, ladies and gentlemen – it’s one thing to risk it all in one big moment, it’s another to be flattened by a 270-pound Dragon Man and have to live with it! Look at that – Skyler’s taunting him now. That cocky son of a gun! He’s really playing with fire here – FAFNIR gives chase! Montgomery runs around the ring, two steps ahead – he rolls in! FAFNIR rolls in! Montgomery – rolls out? FAFNIR following…this is a wild goose chase he-MONTGOMERY STOPS SUDDENLY AND HITS A DROPKICK TO THE LEFT KNEE OF FAFNIR! He’s crumpled down in a heap, and Montgomery’s back in the ring!”

[Jen Glass begins to count, but MONTGOMERY doesn’t seem to notice or care as he climbs to the top turnbuckle. FAFNIR steadies himself and turns around – just in time to eat a makeshift twisty turny Spinning Legdrop in the face and shoulders! MONTGOMERY motions slitting his own wrists and blood pouring out as he drags the German one to the ring.]

DD: “Who would’ve thought! He has offense – it’s sloppy and weird and I don’t know how long he can keep it up – but he has it, and FAFNIR is reeling here!”

[MONTGOMERY hits a sloppy leg drop and goes for a pin, which is kicked out at two. He stands up and gives one final gesture of the handgun to the head, motioning his opponent to get up while continuing to shout emotionally hurtful epithets FAFNIR’s way. FAFNIR rises…and is immediately DROPPED by a Front Flipping DDT! Glass counts the 1, 2, 3 and motions for the bell.]



AM: “The winner of this match…SUICIDAL! SKYLERRRRRR MONTGOMERY!”

DD: “The Suicide DDT! Thanks for playing, FAFNIR, but the SkyMont wasn’t afraid to look a dragon in the eyes and take him down.”

[MONTGOMERY exits the ring and heads over to the announce desk. He winks at DALTON and hoists the 30-pound leg of meat, taking a vicious bite and then slinging it over his shoulder as he walks up the ramp. Dalton’s relief is immediate as he motions for a roll of paper towels.]

DD: “That just happened. Magic. Hold on a minute…yes, I’m getting word that there’s something we need to see in the locker room! Barry, take us there!”

[In the Sullivan Athletic Center locker room, which is adorned with DePaul logos and athlete posters…it’s BOOKFACE. He’s got a swarm of a half-dozen sorority zombie sisters, all staring intently at their touchscreen devices, “liking” and “swiping right” and “+1”ing comments on various sites. BOOKFACE smiles widely, arms extended to the social humanity before him.]

BF: “Good, yes girls, absorb yourself into every social phenom-nom-nom you can! Find the new Confession Bear! Investigate how PewDiePie became the most subscribed channel on YouTube! Build my HASHTAG EMPIRE!”

[JOHNNY DORN enters the screen, entranced by the tight white shirts and orange booty shorts the #zombies are wearing. Jaw dropped, he looks up and catches the eye of BOOKFACE.]

BF: “Ah, Mr. Dorn! The King of Cornhole himself! I’m glad you’ve accepted my friend request.”

[DORN doesn’t know how to respond. BOOKFACE reaches into a nearby duffelbag and pulls out a six-pack of PBR pints, handing it over to DORN. DORN immediately accepts, his gaze rotating between beers, boobs, butts, and BOOKFACE.]

BF: “Let’s chat. I have a hashtag PROPOSITION for you…”

[BOOKFACE shooes away the camera as the #zombies continue to stare unblinkingly at their glowing screens.]

DD: “Could we have just seen the dawn of a new team?? That’s what I love about this place – it seems like new stuff comes down the pike EVERY SINGLE SHOW. And what’s next is quite honestly the biggest and most important match in the short history of Red Line Wrestling – the semifinals of our Red Crown Tournament! And the SICKER part is that at RUSH HOUR, the main event is going to be EVEN MORE IMPORTANT than this match! Escalation! High stakes! Pride and glory and destruction! I LOVE WORKING HERE.“



DD: “Well, that’s Russ Spackler’s entrance music, but after what we witnessed this week, it’s questionable as to whether we’ll see him. His second in command and acclaimed wife, Cookie, is coming out here, though, and she has a microphone in hand.”

[The death metal tune comes to a halt as COOKIE, trying to stay composed, steps out from behind the entrance curtain. She looks toward the ring, then glances around the Sullivan Athletic Center before addressing the audience.]

Cookie Spackler (CS): “A-a-a-as you all may have witnessed, this week, my husband was c-c-c-c-c-captured at the hands of violent poachers, and his current whereabouts are unknown.”

[A chorus of boos begin to flow -- some due to the fact that “SCI-FI” SPACKLER won’t be showing up tonight, but most due to the fact that 1/4th of their main event has been taken away from them. Retrieving a tissue from inside of her jeans pocket, she dries a few oncoming tears and casually drops it to the ground before continuing.]

CS: “Rest assured that the men who did this will pay for their consequences, and I just hope that you all keep Russ in your thoughts and prayers that he will turn up alive and well. The search is ongoing, and I’ve been p-p-p-p-promised that the authorities are doing everything in their power to find him!”

[COOKIE, overcome with emotion, collapses to her knees at the entranceway. Now fully in tears, she retrieves more Kleenex from her pocket, blowing her nose LOUDLY as the microphone picks up the sound clearly.]

DD: “I...I don’t know what to say, folks. This is truly a tragic day for Red Line Wrestling, as Cookie Spackler has not delivered good news.”

[Meanwhile, a pile of tissues has collected on the ground in front of her. However, without warning…]

DD: “Hold on, folks, It seems that the lights have gone off in the Sullivan Athletic Center!”

[...the lights fade, causing a stir amongst the audience. Then, to make matters even more interesting, the sound of rolling thunder is heard through the PA speakers.]

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG!

[And a BEAM of light hits the entrance ramp, followed by more chaotic rumbling.]

DD: “What’s going on here? Oh my LORD…”

[A rousing cheer as the lights come back on, and in the place of the snotty tissue pile is none other than RUSS SPACKLER! Or, at least we’re pretty sure it’s him, only he is not wearing the shark/orangutan getup that we are accustomed to seeing! Instead, his entire body is painted a greenish-yellow color, matched with yellow tights and boots, and it appears as though he is COVERED in gooey substance from head to toe!]

DD: “That’s ‘Sci-Fi’ Russ Spackler! It looks like he has evolved into a completely new creature...compromised of his own girlfriend’s mucus! Fans, he has become a human booger!”

[SPACKLER, almost as if he’s awoken from a coma, appears to be shocked and confused, yelling Hulk-like epithets at the top of his lungs. COOKIE is beside herself with happiness, though, as she hugs him - getting her own nose glop all over him in the process -- and directs him toward the ring. SPACKLER complies, getting into the squared circle, and the match is back on!]



[The cheers from the emergence of “Snot Spackler” immediately turn to boos. The hulking wall of Russian muscle, IVAN DALKICHEV, emerges. He is immediately followed by the wolf-like NATHAN FEAR. They stride manfully and in a stark contrast to their partners already in the ring.]

DD: “Dalkichev and Fear made their presence felt at the top of the show, much like they’ve made their presence felt all OVER the place over the last few months…that Titan Bomb he throws may be the most destructive move I’ve seen in person. Say what you will about having a gooey science fiction monster as a partner – it’s hard to bet against ANY team that has Dalkichev on it.”



[Boo City, USA. The MARSUPIALS OF MAYHEM emerge as a unit, eKID NAH like a menacing ninja and KANGARRY ROO every bit the hoss. POSSUM is arm in arm with her main squeeze, the leader of the bunch and the Red Crown semifinalist himself, KID KOALA. With a nod, KOALA sends his Aussie Anarchists away; they each take stations at various places in the arena and seem to be in a constant state of motion so you can never get a hold of where they are for more than a moment, weaving in and out of the crowd and the ringside area. POSSUM gives DANNY a wink.]

DD: “Look, I want to say something. I maybe got a little heated last show when Kid Koala was in his quarterfinal match, but I think most people were too – he was the primary reason Ocho versus YAZ was SCRATCHED, and these guys have been causing nothing but CHAOS AND TROUBLE ever since they came on the scene here in Red Line Wrestling. I don’t like it, and I also don’t know what to do about it because I’m just a skinny guy with a microphone.”



[After three wrestlers in a row drawing the massive ire of the crowd, 2C’s theme is a breath of fresh air to this Chicago crowd, and they are immediately on their feet. She catches KANGARRY ROO out of the corner of her eye in the crowd, before quickly losing him – she is wary and intensely focused as she makes her way to the ring.]

DD: “Whoever wrote that song ‘One of These Things is Not Like The Others’ probably didn’t have wrestling in mind – but it’s extremely true here. Yes, of course, all four wrestlers are unique and are carving their own paths in their career – but out of the four, only ONE has won the universal love and adoration of this Red Line crowd, and that’s The Second Coming. Whether that translates to a win or not is too soon to predict – there’s a LOT to deal with in this match, between a 900-pound Russian war monster, Russ Spackler’s new form, and even her own partner who has threatened anarchy (and has the chutzpah to follow through on that sort of threat). Let’s take it to Arin Hanson, who will make this thing official!”

AM: “This match is set for ONE FAW~! It is the TAAAAAG TEEEEEEAM SEMIFINAL MATCH of the RED CROWN TOURNAMENT, and the winning team will face off head to head in the FINALS at RUSH HOUR!!! Introducing first! At a combined weight of 647 pounds…RUSS SPACKLER and IVAN DALKICHEV!”

DD: “The crowd CERTAINLY hates Dalkichev at this point, and while there is definitely a pocket of support out there for Spackler, he hasn’t exactly established himself as a beloved man either. Could these two men be in our main event at RUSH HOUR??”

AM: “And introducing second…at a combined weight of 328 pounds…KID KOALA and THE SECOND COMING!”

DD: “That was the fastest transition from ‘BOO’ to ‘YAY’ I think I have ever heard – they HATE the Marsupials of Mayhem here, and they LOVE The Second Coming something fierce! I think we all knew going in that there was a pretty major size discrepancy between the two teams here tonight, but hold on, let me get my calculator…….GOOD LORD. Dalkichev and Spackler are legitimately 319 pounds heavier than their opponents! Almost double! Most of that of course comes from the Last Titan, but Spackler’s also the second biggest wrestler out there…those are some pretty hefty odds to overcome, but I get the impression that the crowd is all IN on the team of Koala and 2C, if only because they want to see their girl make it to the finals. LET’S GET IT ON!”

[Senior referee Ross Russell signals for the bell as 2C and DALKICHEV exit to the outside, leaving KOALA and SPACKLER to start things off. KOALA, chuckling to himself, examines the wild booger man in front of him while SPACKLER jibbles and wobbles like a madman, as ferocious as he is disgusting. The two circle around each other, slowly, making a full circle around the ring without coming any closer to each other. After the lap is completed, NATHAN FEAR yells a terse command and the meaty palm of DALKICHEV slaps the shoulder of SPACKLER, hard, to big boos from the crowd. DALKICHEV steps over the top rope and his icy blue eyes send the message loud and clear to his partner to step out of the way. KOALA eyes his new opponent with a degree more respect, though still with a degree of hostility. He cocks his fist, ready to charge – when 2C slaps her partner on the shoulder and steps through the ropes to a BIG POP from the crowd! KOALA, angry for just a flash before smirking, raises his hands up and exits.]

DD: “A lot of posturing here in the early going – Ivan Dalkichev and Nathan Fear made it clear that they want to take matters into their own hands, and The Second Coming is saying the exact same thing! One of the smallest and youngest wrestlers on our roster is now pitted against by far our biggest – she has to use her speed if she hopes to cause some damage here!”

[DALKICHEV charges with surprising speed with a forearm. 2C ducks and throws two sharp kicks to the shin before bounding back quickly. DALKICHEV, maybe more annoyed than wounded, grits his teeth before circling and charging once again! 2C rolls out of the way, following up with a third sharp kick to the shin and a mule kick to the gut! DALKICHEV takes a step back, his face growing a beet red to match FEAR’s tie as the crowd cheers. A third charge by DALKICHEV – 2C ducks again – DALKICHEV IMMEDIATELY turns and grabs 2C by the head, his hands a natural vice grip, and he tosses 2C a solid 5 feet up and 8 feet across the ring to a big groan from the crowd. DALKICHEV quickly makes his way over and begins to throw tree-trunk foot stomps into her torso before being sent back by the referee. DALKICHEV picks up 2C and whips her HARD into the opposite corner, which she crashes into and hits the deck.]

DD: “The Second Coming is in trouble here, folks, she’s got to find a way to stop this relentless assault! Dalkichev has her up again – Irish Whip into the ropes, here she comes – DUCKS the Dalkichev clothesline – A DIVING SHOULDERBLOCK INTO DALKICHEV’S KNEE, AND HE’S DROPPED! On one knee now, looking to get up – SECOND COMING ROARS IN WITH A BULLDOG! Here’s an early cover – NO! Kickout at one! Hell of a flurry, and she gets to her corner to tag in Kid Koala. Uh oh, he’s on the top rope already!”

[KOALA wastes zero time and lands a Diving Headbutt that rattles DALKICHEV. KOALA goes for the cover, but it’s kicked out at one and a half. SPACKLER looks super ready to get tagged in. DALKICHEV makes his way to his feet and throws crushing strikes into KOALA’s abdomen, each one hitting like a hammer. He lifts KOALA up and then tosses him across the ring with a Belly to Belly, shaking his head and putting his hand to his scalp to check for blood before calmly walking to his corner and making the tag to SPACKLER. The hipsters rejoice as SPACKLER charges in towards KOALA. After a swift kick to the chest, SPACKLER hits a succession of 5 snap mares that he calls “Snapmare on Elm Street”, yelling in some strange guttural foreign beast-tongue along the way. The two lock up and SPACKLER powers KOALA into KOALA’s team corner, allowing 2C to tag herself in and free her partner with a swift kick to the ribs. ]

DD: “Back and forth and back and forth these teams are going, it’s tough to see one team gain a real edge here – and what’s ESPECIALLY tough is that NONE of these wrestlers really trust their partners out there. Remember that calculated and surgical plan that J-MAX brought to their match? You aren’t seeing it out here. The Second Coming is looking good right now though – she’s got GREAT technique, it really must be said.”

[The camera picks up something peculiar – KID KOALA whistling, with surprising volume and clarity, the first eight notes of “Advance Australia Fair”. 2C, who has SPACKLER in a front facelock, looks over at her corner but is met with KOALA looking in another direction. SPACKLER takes advantage of the momentary distraction and hits a side suplex on 2C. She rolls into her corner and KOALA reaches down and tags into the match…when suddenly…]



DD: “OH MY! Does Go-Go Spectacular want a piece of The Last Titan here and now??”

[The theme continues…

GO-GO doesn’t appear. Ross Russell tries to keep his eye on the in-ring action but also glances up the ramp, hoping to prevent things from getting out of hand. SPACKLER is in a bestial state of confusion as he sees his partner step down from the corner and slowly walk towards the ramp with a look of cold hate in his eye.]

DD: “…or is she coming out? WHAT IS HAPPENING?? Dalkichev isn’t stepping too far away from his corner but he’s got his eye on the ramp, he doesn’t want to get attacked by Go-Go in this EXTREMELY important semifinal…”

[DALKICHEV makes it about 6 feet from his corner, slowly and with trepidation…AND IS MET WITH A RUNNING BIG BOOT BY KANGARRY ROO FROM THE CROWD! FEAR is completely irate that the referee missed it and has begun screaming obscenities. Ross Russell looks over at the side of the ring and sees DALKICHEV on the ground with a MARSUPIAL OF MAYHEM nearby, hands raised in a “he fell on his own” pose. eKID NAH has now entered the ringside area and drapes an arm around NATHAN FEAR – FEAR’s eyes boil before NAH levels him with a forearm to the face. POSSUM has found her way next to 2C on the ring apron, not threatening her – but with an arm draped around her shoulder. In all the chaos, Ross Russell misses a second key moment – the vicious and high-impact knee KOALA delivers to SPACKLER’s groin.]

DD: “What is this?? The Marsupials are running WILD right now – normally the House of Hill would be the first ones to stand up to this garbage, but I don’t see them out here! Marsupials are EVERYWHERE! Kangarry Roo has just blindsided The Last Titan with a colossal boot to the temple, which would frankly phase an ELEPHANT; Possum’s having some sort of nice chat with the Second Coming, who looks just as perplexed as anyone – Fear is down, SPACKLER’S down…was this all planned from the beginning?? Is this how Kid Koala plans to ensure his spot in the championship match??”

[SPACKLER is experiencing a wave of pain throughout his entire lower body that even a booger monster can’t help. KOALA smiles gleefully to his tag team partner as he drags SPACKLER by the arms to the ropes and hangs him up, head and shoulders facing towards the inside of the ring, before making his way to the adjacent turnbuckle. 2C is a bit conflicted – she doesn’t want to win like this, but POSSUM keeps talking in her ear in a friendly-yet-TOO-friendly manner. eKID NAH has made his way to the KOALA/2C corner and has a close eye on 2C as well, ready to jump in if she makes a move. KOALA flies off the top turnbuckle and hits the Koala Krusher on SPACKLER.]

DD: “There were a lot of devils out here tonight, folks, and it looks like Kid Koala and the Marsupials of Mayhem are ready to say, once and for all, that they’re the ones who are ready and willing to do ANYTHING to get what they want. He’s hit the Koala Krusher on Sci-Fi Russ Spackler, and the pin looks academic at this point…he rolls him over…”

[KID KOALA looks around the ring, absorbing the situation and the environment, and stares demonically at 2C…

…before lying face-up on the mat and dragging SPACKLER’s arm over his own chest!! Russell is shocked for a moment but then begins to count the pin – 2C hesitates for a moment, then begins to rush to the ring, but is restrained just enough by POSSUM…

…….three count.]

DD: “……..”

“…what?”

AM: “….the winners of this match…RUSS SPACKLER and IVAN DALKICHEV.”

[The sound guy isn't sure what to do - he starts SPACKLER's theme for a moment, before shutting it off.]

DD: “……….WHAT?!”

[KID KOALA tosses the body of SPACKLER off of him and stalks toward 2C. POSSUM tosses a microphone over the top rope which he catches and immediately spits into.]

KK: “I told you! I warned you! You are the passenger. And I am DRIVING this CAR!”

[The fans can’t even make a noise. They’re in complete and utter shock. KOALA stalks slowly towards 2C.]

KK: “I bet you’re questioning what just happened. WHY just happened. Why? WHY? WHY OH WHY?”

[SECOND COMING’S body language is pure chagrin. This masked fool just cost her the opportunity to win the Red Crown and he seemed to be reveling in that fact.]

KK: “I’ll tell you WHY, little lady, coz this company is expecting the very best here is facing off for their Red Crown. They’re expecting the top two individuals to be battling it out for supremacy. They’re expecting the cream of the damn crop.”

[He points at her and then he points at himself.]

KK: “But you know what? I DECIDED THEY DON’T DESERVE THAT!”

[He nods his head slowly and almost maniacally.]

KK: “This company deserves what they get. This company deserves everything that’s coming to them. But what they DON’T deserve, little girl… IS ME!”

[The fans begin to cotton on to what’s happened and slowly begin to react in strange ways. Some booing. Some cheering. Some just making a noise to participate.]

KK: “See, people always know what they want. They ALWAYS know EXACTLY what they want. But they may never truly understand what they NEED. And there’s one person stalking these halls that completely gets it.

“I know what the power of the dollar does to people. I know the impotence of careful planning. See, you know what you want, young lady, but you don’t know what you need. And if this place pulls the curtains closed tomorrow or they live on forever there’s one thing I couldn’t let happen. One thing I had to take advantage of.”

[He reaches out and rests a hand on 2C’s shoulder. She stares at the hand and looks up at the Eucalypt Anarchist.]

KK: “I had to give you this lesson. Because sometimes you don’t know what you need until somebody takes away what you want. And if I destroy everything around you I can give you everything at once.”

[He drops to one knee and rests the microphone in front of her and then turns his back to her, stopping to take in SPACKLER in a crumpled heap in the centre of the ring before exiting with the rest of the MARSUPIALS in tow.]

[DANNY DALTON is silent. The crowd’s reaction is still a tense mix of shock, excitement, and awe.]

rlw.


 
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