GARTHIsTheLaw
League Member
Last week: JBL and Orlando Jordan traveled back in time to regain their pushes, Carlito Caribbean Cool used the Chain Necklack of Thuganomic Wonder to defeat Rey Mysterio, and Big Show ate the Spice Girls. Will I make another stupid joke about Big Show eating someone…TONIGHT?
Here’s Torrie Wilson to kick off the show.
Torrie: If Billy Kidman only has a job because of me, then why is he getting a push for injuring a man while all I do is the occasional ring introduction?
And that’s enough for Torrie. Here comes Carlito Caribbean Cool.
Carlito: Hey baby. If you’d like to do something besides the ring introductions, I’d like to suggest myself as an alternative thing to do.
Torrie: That is the worst pickup line I have ever heard.
Carlito: And that’s only my icebreaker.
Torrie: Great.
Carlito: Listen, babe, I may be wearing my Chain Necklace of Thuganomic Wonder +10 v. Jobbing, but for you, I’m more than willing to lay down.
Torrie: You know I’m married, don’t you?
Carlito: Yeah, to Billy Kidman. Excuse me if I’m not exceptionally impressed. I mean, hell, if he screws up as much in bed as he does in the ring…
Torrie: Okay, I’ve had enough of you. I’m just going to introduce Rico and then go backstage and get blitzed.
Carlito: What, you’re ditching me? That’s not cool!
Carlito hits Torrie with a peach. Wow, even his produce arsenal has a sexual edge tonight. He’d better get rid of that quick considering who he’s about to face.
NON-TITLE MATCH OF EXCITEMENT~: Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Rico
Carlito really has his work cut out for him tonight, because nothing says “cool” like a 40-year-old man with face paint and shiny pants. When I’m 40, I’ll be lucky to be half as cool as Rico. Too bad the Chain Necklace of Thuganomic Wonder doesn’t give a bonus to heterosexuality, because Rico is actually doing pretty well in there for a guy who clearly isn’t going to win. That’s karma for you, though. Charlie Haas loses his push because Rico gets injured, and then when Rico finally returns and the team gets its push back, Haas gets injured and Rico loses HIS push. Finally, Carlito has had enough of this and he uses the chain necklace to make Rico job. Michael Cole refers to Carlito’s Overdrive finisher as “some kind of neckbreaker that we CERTAINLY haven’t seen horribly botched by Randy Orton on countless occasions, one of which caused an injury that kept him out of action for a few months and prompted his finisher to be changed to a sloppily-done Diamond Cutter.” Go Cole.
Speaking of Michael Cole, here he is with an update on Slim Cena.
Cole: Ladies and gentlemen, as we reported last week, Slim Cena will be out of action for an indefinite amount of time after the loss of his chain caused him to job to a lamppost two weeks ago.
Tazz: And not because he’s gone off to film a movie.
Cole: Nope.
Tazz: No sirree.
Cole: Not in the slightest.
Tazz: Anyway, if you want to wish Slim Cena well, you can do so at wwe.com. We’ve added several kinds of well-wishes for your convenience.
Cole: Yes, you can choose from the conventional “Get well soon,” the smarky “Hope your movie doesn’t totally blow ass,” or the self-righteous Internet columnist “Come back as a heel or don’t come back.”
Tazz: Just goes to show you how much WWE cares about its fans. You want to see Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels for the two thousandth time while Shawn is crippled and Triple H is obviously going to win, then by God we’re going to give it to you!
Pause.
Tazz: I’ve said too much, haven’t I.
Cole: Seems like it.
Tazz: Dang.
Here we are in the lovely backstage area with Booker T and GM Theodore Long.
Long: Holla holla holla.
Booker: What’s up with you putting me in a tag match with Rob Van Dam and Rey Mysterio? They’re the standard tag partners for BABYFACES. I’m a heel, so shouldn’t I be teaming with the Dudley Boyz?
Long: Come on, I’m doing you a favor. RVD and Mysterio never lose, the Dudley Boyz never win.
Booker: Well, why do I have to face JBL then? I thought I saved his career.
Long: The way I understand it, you actually RUINED his career by mistake, and he and Orlando Jordan had to go fix it last week.
Booker: Wow. Really?
Long: Buleedat, playa. You miss a lot of important stuff when you take a week off.
Booker: Yeah, sorry about that, but I had to go convince Stevie not to kill himself again.
Long: Damn, playa. That’s like the third time this month.
Booker: You’d want to kill yourself too if you were him.
Long: You know it.
Video package time. A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, Billy Kidman killed Chavo Guerrero with the BOTCHED STAR PRESS OF DOOM~. And then later he killed Paul London and Charlie Haas with it. Thrills! Chills! And now Chavo returns.
Chavo: Hey y’all. It’s great to be back. Now, I’m not going to lie to you. After taking that blow to the head, dying, and being subsequently unkilled by Walker: Texas Undertaker, I really have no idea what’s happened since I went off TV. Somebody want to explain it to me?
Here’s Billy Kidman. That’s nice of him.
Kidman: FINALLY, the Kid has come BACK…to ROCKFORD!
Chavo: Uh…hey Billy.
Kidman: And just who in the blue hell are YOU?
Chavo: The guy you killed a month or so ago, remember? Chav—
Kidman: IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!
Chavo: What the hell, man. What’s with the Rock imitation?
Kidman: The Kid won these mic skills at Uno Mercy when he laid the smack down on Paul London’s roody-poo candy ass!
Chavo: They gave you mic skills? Wow, congrats man. How did you swing that?
Kidman: Well, let the Kid tell you a story. After the Kid squashed your skull like a ripe melon, WWE stopped letting him use the BOTCHED STAR PRESS OF DOOM~ and then made him drop the Tag Team Titles to Team Frogger.
Chavo: That’s a shame. Too bad, man.
Kidman: SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND KNOW YOUR ROLE, JABRONI! The Kid wasn’t finished! After losing the Tag Titles, the Kid got a big push, beat Paul London in a Mic Skills on a Pole match at Uno Mercy, and is now using the BOTCHED STAR PRESS OF DOOM~ in such a way that it’s supposed to injure the opponent every time!
Chavo: WHAT??! You killed me and they PUSHED you for it?
Kidman: Damn right! IF YA SMELLLLL-EL-EL-EL-EL WHAT THE KID…IS…COOKIN’!
Chavo: You are SO dead.
Chavo beats Kidman with a stick. That’s what he gets for using second-hand mic skills. Speaking of mic skills, here’s Paul Heyman backstage with microphone wizard John Heidenreich.
Heyman: Listen, John. I just talked to Theodore Long, and he says no one wants to see you wrestle tonight. Steven Richards in particular.
Heidenreich: But…but…
Heyman: He says the only way you’ll be allowed to wrestle is if you wear a straitjacket to the ring. That way you can’t botch any moves and kill your opponent.
Heidenreich: Who’s my opponent?
Heyman: Shannon Moore.
Heidenreich: Why would anyone care if I killed him?
Heyman: Your guess is as good as mine. I’m just relaying the message.
Heidenreich: Fine, I’ll wear the straitjacket.
Heyman: Alright then. I’ll have the match resched—wait, WHAT? You’re still going to wrestle?
Heidenreich: Sure. It’s just Shannon Moore.
Heyman: SON of a—okay, okay. Here’s your straitjacket. You move along and get ready for the match, now.
Heidenreich leaves the room. Heyman pulls a walkie-talkie out of his pocket.
Heyman: Blast! Go to Plan B!
Now here’s a Survivor Series press conference. Remember when Survivor Series actually had Survivor Series matches? How are those midcarders going to get on pay-per-view NOW? I can only weep at the way the Powers of Pain would be treated today.
John Heidenreich vs. Shannon Moore
Moore comes to the ring with a mohawk and a spiky jacket. He’s the new Road Warrior Animal. Coming soon to home video, the company that brought you “Girls Gone Wild” presents “Jobbers Gone Retro!” Order now! I’m a little wary about Shannon’s new persona, because it wouldn’t be very PC if WWE let Heidenreich kill their new-age Road Warrior. Luckily, Heidenreich is still in the straitjacket, so he’s in no position to kill anyone. Moore tries to take the offensive, but all he knows how to do is job, so Heidenreich wins. And now he’s got a mic. Neat.
Heidenreich: Hey! Undertaker! I’m standing here defenseless now! Come get me!
Heyman: Yeah, Undertaker. Come get this feud over with instead of dragging it out.
Heidenreich: Undertaker! Undertaker! Say, where the hell is he?
Heyman: I don’t know. He’s supposed to be out here. This is the second week in a row he’s missed his cue. Hey ref! Where’s Walker: Texas Undertaker?
Ref: He’s…um…not feeling well and he won’t be able to come to the ring tonight.
Heyman: What? Why not?
~~~FLASHBACK~~~
(Earlier tonight)
Undertaker: I drink a whiskey drink! (gulp) I drink a vodka drink! (gulp) I drink a lager drink! (gulp) I drink a cider drink! (gulp) I sing the songs that remind me of the drunk times! I drink the drinks that redrink drink drunk drink drunk…
Undertaker passes out. Eddie Guerrero runs over and steals his cowboy hat.
Eddie: Hee hee! He’s going to be so mad when he comes to.
~~~UN-FLASHBACK~~~
It’s time once again for Backstage With Big Show. Our current guest is Torrie Wilson.
Torrie: I can’t believe Carlito hit me with a peach.
Big Show: I can’t believe they didn’t let me on the show tonight.
Torrie: Big Show, you ate the Spice Girls last week.
Big Show: Hehe. Yeah. That was sweet.
Torrie: Point is, putting you on the show a week later would probably be bad for business. You know how those British are. They riot after soccer games, for hell’s sake.
Suzuki: Yes, those British are le swine! Uh-huh-huh-huh!
Big Show: Duuuuuuude.
Torrie: Why am I talking to you two?
Long: Holla holla holla.
Torrie: Theodore, what are you going to do about Carlito’s produce assault?
Long: Nothing.
Torrie: Nothing?
Long: Oh don’t be so greedy. For once in his life, your husband is getting more TV time than you are. Let him enjoy it.
Torrie: But I’M the pretty one!
Long: Well, kill a man with your finisher and we’ll talk.
Carlito: Hey, boss man.
Long: Carlito! Just the man I was looking for.
Carlito: Look, if this is about Torrie, I didn’t mean to hurt her. I just saw the thing with the peach in “Face/Off.”
Long: No, Carlito, this is about Slim Cena. Are you SURE you didn’t have anything to do with him jobbing to that lamppost?
Carlito: I told you before, I had no way of knowing how low his natural resistance to jobbing was.
Long: That’s not what I’m talking about and you know it. The police are telling me they suspect you set that lamppost up.
Carlito: Lies! I’ve never met that lamppost in my life.
Long: Well, I’d better not find out you’re lying, or there are going to be CONSEQUENCES AND REPERCUSSIONS.
Carlito: You don’t scare me.
Long: We’ll see how brave you are when you’re feuding with Test over that title.
Carlito: …That’s not cool.
Big Show: Duuuuuuuude.
Elsewhere…
Jordan: Hey, Booker. Listen, we need to get this whole time-travel thing straightened out.
Booker: You’re the ones who disrupted the space-time continuum, not me.
Jordan: Yes well, be that as it may, JBL has this crazy idea that you knew bringing back Brock Lesnar would eradicate his push.
Booker: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Jordan: You have to admit, it was pretty obvious. Why would ANYONE push JBL if there were an alternative?
Booker: I don’t have to answer to the likes of you. Now go away, I have to prepare for my face turn later tonight.
Jordan: Fine, I’ll see you—WAIT! What face turn?
Booker: Shoot.
Eddie Guerrero vs. Bob Jindrak
Jindrak starts off the match with the advantage, but he burns through his entire moveset in five seconds. Dropkick! Headlock! Dropkick! Headlock! Jindrak is the new Maven. But with worse entrance music. The rest of Anglelution sees that Jindrak is in trouble and they come to the ring to try and tip the scales in Jindrak’s favor, so Eddie Guerrero brings out his secret weapon – Walker: Texas Undertaker’s cowboy hat. Eddie harvests the DARK POWERS~ contained in the hat to take out Luther and Angle, but then the power of the hat overtakes him and he falls over. JINDRAK WINS! That’s the second time in the past few weeks that Eddie has been pinned by Jindrak. What’s up with that? It’s a mystery. Just like Anglelution.
And now it’s time for another episode of WWE’s “The Odd Couple,” starring Theodore Long and Paul Heyman.
Long: Paaaaaaaaaul! You just left the dishes in the sink again!
Heyman: Eh, I’ll do it tomorrow.
Long: That’s what you said the last time!
Heyman: So? When was the last time?
Long: Two months ago!
Heyman: Wow, this joke really isn’t funny at all.
Long: Yeah. Screw this. I’d rather talk about Heidenreich.
Heyman: Hey, that reminds me. Heidenreich wants a match with Walker: Texas Undertaker.
Long: Gee, that comes as a big surprise.
Heyman: Look, you want this feud over and off TV just as much as I do. Throw me a bone here.
Long: Fine. But first you have to get Undertaker to agree to the match. Which means you have to make him stop missing his cues, or he won’t show up for the contract signing.
Heyman: How the hell am I supposed to do that?
Long: Chill, playa. All you have to do is get his cowboy hat back from Eddie Guerrero…
Heyman: Sounds easy.
Long: …Who has placed it on a twenty-foot-high pedestal on a platform surrounded by molten lava and located in the Dungeon of Despair.
Heyman: Why did he put it THERE??!
Long: Dunno. Eddie’s been a little bit off lately.
Heyman: Sigh. Well, looks like I’ve got no choice then. Hey Heidenreich! Get your stuff, we’re going to the Dungeon of Despair.
Heidenreich: YEEEAAAHHHH!
Somewhere else…
RVD: …And then the carpenter says, “No, but I brought a duck with me!”
Mysterio: Yeah, great, Rob. That one made perfect sense. Just like the last 50.
Booker: Hey y’all.
Mysterio: Booker! Thank God! How did you stand teaming with this guy? He tells terrible jokes and he eats all my Pringles.
Booker: Uh…I just figured he’d get traded to SmackDown! and I’d stay on RAW. Once I ended up here too, I figured turning heel was the only way I could get out of teaming with him.
Mysterio: Damn, man! I can’t turn heel! I’ve tried! It’s impossible!
RVD: Hey, are you guys talking about me?
Booker: Nope.
Mysterio: Huh uh.
RVD: Alright, cool. Oh, you gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em…
Mysterio: So what’s up with this six-man tag tonight? You’re turning face, right?
Booker: Shhhh! You’ll ruin it.
Mysterio: Sorry.
Booker: You just beat Team Frogger like you always do and leave the rest to me.
Mysterio: What about RVD?
Booker: Just leave a trail of Reese’s Pieces leading to the ring. It always worked for me. Alright, I’ve got to go, see you later.
Booker leaves. Then he comes back.
Booker: SUCKAAAAAAAAAAA!
Booker leaves again.
RVD: Hey, was that Booker T? I used to be Tag Team Champions with him!
Mysterio: I know, Rob.
RVD: Did he bring Reese’s Pieces?
Mysterio: Sigh. Yes.
RVD: Yeah! All right!
Now it’s time for the exciting debut of WWE’s Million Dollar Tough Enough! The face-painted guy gets cut for lying about his age, the big goofy guy gets cut for being a dumb-ass and tearing his triceps, and a bunch of guys I don’t care about get officially entered into the thing. This segment lasted about 100 times as long as it needed to. You know what this Million Dollar Tough Enough competition could really use? More Kane.
Here’s JBL and Orlando Jordan backstage. God, I never thought I’d be so glad to see Orlando Jordan.
JBL: Okay, so have we taken care of everything?
Jordan: I think so. But let’s go over the list.
JBL: Gangrel and Viscera unkilled by mid-90’s Undertaker.
Jordan: Check.
JBL: Brock Lesnar fooled into thinking going to the NFL is a brilliant idea.
Jordan: Check.
JBL: Faarooq sent back to ancient Egypt.
Jordan: Check. But just out of curiosity, why was that necessary?
JBL: It never hurts to be careful.
Booker: It’s the Bookerman, y’all!
JBL: Booker! You asswipe! You almost cost me my push and my World title!
Booker: Oh boo hoo. I haven’t had a push or a World title in years.
JBL: You had the U.S. Title.
Booker: (cold stare)
JBL: Fine. Fine. Just don’t forget, you’re still a heel, and I expect you to act as such.
Booker: Yeah, whatever.
Jordan: Holy obvious face turn, Bradshaw!
John Bradshaw Layfield & Team Frogger vs. Booker T & Team Babyface
Isn’t it kind of stupid to have JBL, a guy who loves America because it’s made him so rich, teaming up with the anti-America guys? Just a thought. But I suppose JBL likes old-school arcade games just as much as the next guy, so Team Frogger isn’t a bad team to be a part of. RVD can’t stop giggling about his opponents’ variety in first names.
RVD: Kenzo, Rene, JOHN! Kenzo, Rene, JOHN! That’s AWESOME!
Mysterio: Will you just wrestle the damn match?
RVD: Yeah! All right!
With RVD busy giggling and eat Reese’s Pieces and Booker T busy being mysterious, Rey Mysterio has to wrestle all of the opponents by himself, so he kicks everyone in the face. Wheeeeee! Rey hopes he doesn’t get pinned by JBL because that would make three consecutive losses to champions. Next, he just needs to lose to Spike Dudley again. But Spike is a Dudley, so he usually doesn’t win anyway. Kenzo Suzuki takes RVD’s Reese’s Pieces, and you don’t just take a man’s Reese’s Pieces like that, so all of a sudden RVD is a house afire. Then Rey and Rene get into a discussion about U.S. economic policy, leaving JBL alone with Booker T in the ring. It looks like a heel vs. heel face-off, but Booker unexpectedly turns face! OMG SWERVE~! JBL is so distraught he jobs.
JBL: What the hell, man! I thought you were on our side!
Booker: Well, let’s just say I had a little help from my friends.
~~~FLASHBACK~~~
Some Guy: Mr. McMahon, a letter just came for you. I don’t know who it’s from, but it looks like it’s been lost in the mail for a long time.
Vince: Good God. This thing looks like it’s hundreds of years old. Maybe even thousands.
Dear Mr. McMahon,
By the time you read this, it will be too late for me. My name is now Faarooqius, but you knew me as Ron Simmons. On the day you know as March 24, 2004, I will be sent back in time and stranded in ancient Egypt by my former friend and tag-team partner, John Bradshaw Layfield. And while I have made myself a home in Egypt, I am still upset that I will never see my friends and family again. I have hidden this letter in a cave where it will be discovered thousands of years from now in the hopes that it will one day reach you. There is no way you can help me; I am already lost. All I ask is that you grant me one last favor – that you make JBL pay for what he has done to me. I request is that you put another deserving black man over JBL. For me.
Yours truly,
Ron ‘Faarooqius’ Simmons
Vince: My God. He may have become useless late in his WWE career, but Ron was still a dependable worker for many years. I MUST honor his final wishes. But which African-American male is the most worthy of this honor?
Ernest “The Cat” Miller: Somebody call my momma! I’m going over JBL!
Vince: I was thinking more along the lines of Booker T.
Miller: But I’M the greatest!
Vince: Get out of my office.
Miller: Drag.
~~~UN-FLASHBACK~~~
Amazing! Faarooq has gotten his revenge on JBL after some 7000 years! Can anyone save JBL from the final wish of his former friend? Find out next week! Same Bradshaw time, same Bradshaw channel!
Next week: Faarooq’s spirit possesses Ahmed Johnson and uses him to attack JBL, but Ahmed just injures himself in the process. John Heidenreich goes to retrieve Walker: Texas Undertaker’s cowboy hat from the Dungeon of Despair, but somehow comes back with Shockmaster’s helmet instead. Anglelution continues to be a mystery, and hilarity ensues.
Here’s Torrie Wilson to kick off the show.
Torrie: If Billy Kidman only has a job because of me, then why is he getting a push for injuring a man while all I do is the occasional ring introduction?
And that’s enough for Torrie. Here comes Carlito Caribbean Cool.
Carlito: Hey baby. If you’d like to do something besides the ring introductions, I’d like to suggest myself as an alternative thing to do.
Torrie: That is the worst pickup line I have ever heard.
Carlito: And that’s only my icebreaker.
Torrie: Great.
Carlito: Listen, babe, I may be wearing my Chain Necklace of Thuganomic Wonder +10 v. Jobbing, but for you, I’m more than willing to lay down.
Torrie: You know I’m married, don’t you?
Carlito: Yeah, to Billy Kidman. Excuse me if I’m not exceptionally impressed. I mean, hell, if he screws up as much in bed as he does in the ring…
Torrie: Okay, I’ve had enough of you. I’m just going to introduce Rico and then go backstage and get blitzed.
Carlito: What, you’re ditching me? That’s not cool!
Carlito hits Torrie with a peach. Wow, even his produce arsenal has a sexual edge tonight. He’d better get rid of that quick considering who he’s about to face.
NON-TITLE MATCH OF EXCITEMENT~: Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Rico
Carlito really has his work cut out for him tonight, because nothing says “cool” like a 40-year-old man with face paint and shiny pants. When I’m 40, I’ll be lucky to be half as cool as Rico. Too bad the Chain Necklace of Thuganomic Wonder doesn’t give a bonus to heterosexuality, because Rico is actually doing pretty well in there for a guy who clearly isn’t going to win. That’s karma for you, though. Charlie Haas loses his push because Rico gets injured, and then when Rico finally returns and the team gets its push back, Haas gets injured and Rico loses HIS push. Finally, Carlito has had enough of this and he uses the chain necklace to make Rico job. Michael Cole refers to Carlito’s Overdrive finisher as “some kind of neckbreaker that we CERTAINLY haven’t seen horribly botched by Randy Orton on countless occasions, one of which caused an injury that kept him out of action for a few months and prompted his finisher to be changed to a sloppily-done Diamond Cutter.” Go Cole.
Speaking of Michael Cole, here he is with an update on Slim Cena.
Cole: Ladies and gentlemen, as we reported last week, Slim Cena will be out of action for an indefinite amount of time after the loss of his chain caused him to job to a lamppost two weeks ago.
Tazz: And not because he’s gone off to film a movie.
Cole: Nope.
Tazz: No sirree.
Cole: Not in the slightest.
Tazz: Anyway, if you want to wish Slim Cena well, you can do so at wwe.com. We’ve added several kinds of well-wishes for your convenience.
Cole: Yes, you can choose from the conventional “Get well soon,” the smarky “Hope your movie doesn’t totally blow ass,” or the self-righteous Internet columnist “Come back as a heel or don’t come back.”
Tazz: Just goes to show you how much WWE cares about its fans. You want to see Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels for the two thousandth time while Shawn is crippled and Triple H is obviously going to win, then by God we’re going to give it to you!
Pause.
Tazz: I’ve said too much, haven’t I.
Cole: Seems like it.
Tazz: Dang.
Here we are in the lovely backstage area with Booker T and GM Theodore Long.
Long: Holla holla holla.
Booker: What’s up with you putting me in a tag match with Rob Van Dam and Rey Mysterio? They’re the standard tag partners for BABYFACES. I’m a heel, so shouldn’t I be teaming with the Dudley Boyz?
Long: Come on, I’m doing you a favor. RVD and Mysterio never lose, the Dudley Boyz never win.
Booker: Well, why do I have to face JBL then? I thought I saved his career.
Long: The way I understand it, you actually RUINED his career by mistake, and he and Orlando Jordan had to go fix it last week.
Booker: Wow. Really?
Long: Buleedat, playa. You miss a lot of important stuff when you take a week off.
Booker: Yeah, sorry about that, but I had to go convince Stevie not to kill himself again.
Long: Damn, playa. That’s like the third time this month.
Booker: You’d want to kill yourself too if you were him.
Long: You know it.
Video package time. A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, Billy Kidman killed Chavo Guerrero with the BOTCHED STAR PRESS OF DOOM~. And then later he killed Paul London and Charlie Haas with it. Thrills! Chills! And now Chavo returns.
Chavo: Hey y’all. It’s great to be back. Now, I’m not going to lie to you. After taking that blow to the head, dying, and being subsequently unkilled by Walker: Texas Undertaker, I really have no idea what’s happened since I went off TV. Somebody want to explain it to me?
Here’s Billy Kidman. That’s nice of him.
Kidman: FINALLY, the Kid has come BACK…to ROCKFORD!
Chavo: Uh…hey Billy.
Kidman: And just who in the blue hell are YOU?
Chavo: The guy you killed a month or so ago, remember? Chav—
Kidman: IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!
Chavo: What the hell, man. What’s with the Rock imitation?
Kidman: The Kid won these mic skills at Uno Mercy when he laid the smack down on Paul London’s roody-poo candy ass!
Chavo: They gave you mic skills? Wow, congrats man. How did you swing that?
Kidman: Well, let the Kid tell you a story. After the Kid squashed your skull like a ripe melon, WWE stopped letting him use the BOTCHED STAR PRESS OF DOOM~ and then made him drop the Tag Team Titles to Team Frogger.
Chavo: That’s a shame. Too bad, man.
Kidman: SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND KNOW YOUR ROLE, JABRONI! The Kid wasn’t finished! After losing the Tag Titles, the Kid got a big push, beat Paul London in a Mic Skills on a Pole match at Uno Mercy, and is now using the BOTCHED STAR PRESS OF DOOM~ in such a way that it’s supposed to injure the opponent every time!
Chavo: WHAT??! You killed me and they PUSHED you for it?
Kidman: Damn right! IF YA SMELLLLL-EL-EL-EL-EL WHAT THE KID…IS…COOKIN’!
Chavo: You are SO dead.
Chavo beats Kidman with a stick. That’s what he gets for using second-hand mic skills. Speaking of mic skills, here’s Paul Heyman backstage with microphone wizard John Heidenreich.
Heyman: Listen, John. I just talked to Theodore Long, and he says no one wants to see you wrestle tonight. Steven Richards in particular.
Heidenreich: But…but…
Heyman: He says the only way you’ll be allowed to wrestle is if you wear a straitjacket to the ring. That way you can’t botch any moves and kill your opponent.
Heidenreich: Who’s my opponent?
Heyman: Shannon Moore.
Heidenreich: Why would anyone care if I killed him?
Heyman: Your guess is as good as mine. I’m just relaying the message.
Heidenreich: Fine, I’ll wear the straitjacket.
Heyman: Alright then. I’ll have the match resched—wait, WHAT? You’re still going to wrestle?
Heidenreich: Sure. It’s just Shannon Moore.
Heyman: SON of a—okay, okay. Here’s your straitjacket. You move along and get ready for the match, now.
Heidenreich leaves the room. Heyman pulls a walkie-talkie out of his pocket.
Heyman: Blast! Go to Plan B!
Now here’s a Survivor Series press conference. Remember when Survivor Series actually had Survivor Series matches? How are those midcarders going to get on pay-per-view NOW? I can only weep at the way the Powers of Pain would be treated today.
John Heidenreich vs. Shannon Moore
Moore comes to the ring with a mohawk and a spiky jacket. He’s the new Road Warrior Animal. Coming soon to home video, the company that brought you “Girls Gone Wild” presents “Jobbers Gone Retro!” Order now! I’m a little wary about Shannon’s new persona, because it wouldn’t be very PC if WWE let Heidenreich kill their new-age Road Warrior. Luckily, Heidenreich is still in the straitjacket, so he’s in no position to kill anyone. Moore tries to take the offensive, but all he knows how to do is job, so Heidenreich wins. And now he’s got a mic. Neat.
Heidenreich: Hey! Undertaker! I’m standing here defenseless now! Come get me!
Heyman: Yeah, Undertaker. Come get this feud over with instead of dragging it out.
Heidenreich: Undertaker! Undertaker! Say, where the hell is he?
Heyman: I don’t know. He’s supposed to be out here. This is the second week in a row he’s missed his cue. Hey ref! Where’s Walker: Texas Undertaker?
Ref: He’s…um…not feeling well and he won’t be able to come to the ring tonight.
Heyman: What? Why not?
~~~FLASHBACK~~~
(Earlier tonight)
Undertaker: I drink a whiskey drink! (gulp) I drink a vodka drink! (gulp) I drink a lager drink! (gulp) I drink a cider drink! (gulp) I sing the songs that remind me of the drunk times! I drink the drinks that redrink drink drunk drink drunk…
Undertaker passes out. Eddie Guerrero runs over and steals his cowboy hat.
Eddie: Hee hee! He’s going to be so mad when he comes to.
~~~UN-FLASHBACK~~~
It’s time once again for Backstage With Big Show. Our current guest is Torrie Wilson.
Torrie: I can’t believe Carlito hit me with a peach.
Big Show: I can’t believe they didn’t let me on the show tonight.
Torrie: Big Show, you ate the Spice Girls last week.
Big Show: Hehe. Yeah. That was sweet.
Torrie: Point is, putting you on the show a week later would probably be bad for business. You know how those British are. They riot after soccer games, for hell’s sake.
Suzuki: Yes, those British are le swine! Uh-huh-huh-huh!
Big Show: Duuuuuuude.
Torrie: Why am I talking to you two?
Long: Holla holla holla.
Torrie: Theodore, what are you going to do about Carlito’s produce assault?
Long: Nothing.
Torrie: Nothing?
Long: Oh don’t be so greedy. For once in his life, your husband is getting more TV time than you are. Let him enjoy it.
Torrie: But I’M the pretty one!
Long: Well, kill a man with your finisher and we’ll talk.
Carlito: Hey, boss man.
Long: Carlito! Just the man I was looking for.
Carlito: Look, if this is about Torrie, I didn’t mean to hurt her. I just saw the thing with the peach in “Face/Off.”
Long: No, Carlito, this is about Slim Cena. Are you SURE you didn’t have anything to do with him jobbing to that lamppost?
Carlito: I told you before, I had no way of knowing how low his natural resistance to jobbing was.
Long: That’s not what I’m talking about and you know it. The police are telling me they suspect you set that lamppost up.
Carlito: Lies! I’ve never met that lamppost in my life.
Long: Well, I’d better not find out you’re lying, or there are going to be CONSEQUENCES AND REPERCUSSIONS.
Carlito: You don’t scare me.
Long: We’ll see how brave you are when you’re feuding with Test over that title.
Carlito: …That’s not cool.
Big Show: Duuuuuuuude.
Elsewhere…
Jordan: Hey, Booker. Listen, we need to get this whole time-travel thing straightened out.
Booker: You’re the ones who disrupted the space-time continuum, not me.
Jordan: Yes well, be that as it may, JBL has this crazy idea that you knew bringing back Brock Lesnar would eradicate his push.
Booker: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Jordan: You have to admit, it was pretty obvious. Why would ANYONE push JBL if there were an alternative?
Booker: I don’t have to answer to the likes of you. Now go away, I have to prepare for my face turn later tonight.
Jordan: Fine, I’ll see you—WAIT! What face turn?
Booker: Shoot.
Eddie Guerrero vs. Bob Jindrak
Jindrak starts off the match with the advantage, but he burns through his entire moveset in five seconds. Dropkick! Headlock! Dropkick! Headlock! Jindrak is the new Maven. But with worse entrance music. The rest of Anglelution sees that Jindrak is in trouble and they come to the ring to try and tip the scales in Jindrak’s favor, so Eddie Guerrero brings out his secret weapon – Walker: Texas Undertaker’s cowboy hat. Eddie harvests the DARK POWERS~ contained in the hat to take out Luther and Angle, but then the power of the hat overtakes him and he falls over. JINDRAK WINS! That’s the second time in the past few weeks that Eddie has been pinned by Jindrak. What’s up with that? It’s a mystery. Just like Anglelution.
And now it’s time for another episode of WWE’s “The Odd Couple,” starring Theodore Long and Paul Heyman.
Long: Paaaaaaaaaul! You just left the dishes in the sink again!
Heyman: Eh, I’ll do it tomorrow.
Long: That’s what you said the last time!
Heyman: So? When was the last time?
Long: Two months ago!
Heyman: Wow, this joke really isn’t funny at all.
Long: Yeah. Screw this. I’d rather talk about Heidenreich.
Heyman: Hey, that reminds me. Heidenreich wants a match with Walker: Texas Undertaker.
Long: Gee, that comes as a big surprise.
Heyman: Look, you want this feud over and off TV just as much as I do. Throw me a bone here.
Long: Fine. But first you have to get Undertaker to agree to the match. Which means you have to make him stop missing his cues, or he won’t show up for the contract signing.
Heyman: How the hell am I supposed to do that?
Long: Chill, playa. All you have to do is get his cowboy hat back from Eddie Guerrero…
Heyman: Sounds easy.
Long: …Who has placed it on a twenty-foot-high pedestal on a platform surrounded by molten lava and located in the Dungeon of Despair.
Heyman: Why did he put it THERE??!
Long: Dunno. Eddie’s been a little bit off lately.
Heyman: Sigh. Well, looks like I’ve got no choice then. Hey Heidenreich! Get your stuff, we’re going to the Dungeon of Despair.
Heidenreich: YEEEAAAHHHH!
Somewhere else…
RVD: …And then the carpenter says, “No, but I brought a duck with me!”
Mysterio: Yeah, great, Rob. That one made perfect sense. Just like the last 50.
Booker: Hey y’all.
Mysterio: Booker! Thank God! How did you stand teaming with this guy? He tells terrible jokes and he eats all my Pringles.
Booker: Uh…I just figured he’d get traded to SmackDown! and I’d stay on RAW. Once I ended up here too, I figured turning heel was the only way I could get out of teaming with him.
Mysterio: Damn, man! I can’t turn heel! I’ve tried! It’s impossible!
RVD: Hey, are you guys talking about me?
Booker: Nope.
Mysterio: Huh uh.
RVD: Alright, cool. Oh, you gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em…
Mysterio: So what’s up with this six-man tag tonight? You’re turning face, right?
Booker: Shhhh! You’ll ruin it.
Mysterio: Sorry.
Booker: You just beat Team Frogger like you always do and leave the rest to me.
Mysterio: What about RVD?
Booker: Just leave a trail of Reese’s Pieces leading to the ring. It always worked for me. Alright, I’ve got to go, see you later.
Booker leaves. Then he comes back.
Booker: SUCKAAAAAAAAAAA!
Booker leaves again.
RVD: Hey, was that Booker T? I used to be Tag Team Champions with him!
Mysterio: I know, Rob.
RVD: Did he bring Reese’s Pieces?
Mysterio: Sigh. Yes.
RVD: Yeah! All right!
Now it’s time for the exciting debut of WWE’s Million Dollar Tough Enough! The face-painted guy gets cut for lying about his age, the big goofy guy gets cut for being a dumb-ass and tearing his triceps, and a bunch of guys I don’t care about get officially entered into the thing. This segment lasted about 100 times as long as it needed to. You know what this Million Dollar Tough Enough competition could really use? More Kane.
Here’s JBL and Orlando Jordan backstage. God, I never thought I’d be so glad to see Orlando Jordan.
JBL: Okay, so have we taken care of everything?
Jordan: I think so. But let’s go over the list.
JBL: Gangrel and Viscera unkilled by mid-90’s Undertaker.
Jordan: Check.
JBL: Brock Lesnar fooled into thinking going to the NFL is a brilliant idea.
Jordan: Check.
JBL: Faarooq sent back to ancient Egypt.
Jordan: Check. But just out of curiosity, why was that necessary?
JBL: It never hurts to be careful.
Booker: It’s the Bookerman, y’all!
JBL: Booker! You asswipe! You almost cost me my push and my World title!
Booker: Oh boo hoo. I haven’t had a push or a World title in years.
JBL: You had the U.S. Title.
Booker: (cold stare)
JBL: Fine. Fine. Just don’t forget, you’re still a heel, and I expect you to act as such.
Booker: Yeah, whatever.
Jordan: Holy obvious face turn, Bradshaw!
John Bradshaw Layfield & Team Frogger vs. Booker T & Team Babyface
Isn’t it kind of stupid to have JBL, a guy who loves America because it’s made him so rich, teaming up with the anti-America guys? Just a thought. But I suppose JBL likes old-school arcade games just as much as the next guy, so Team Frogger isn’t a bad team to be a part of. RVD can’t stop giggling about his opponents’ variety in first names.
RVD: Kenzo, Rene, JOHN! Kenzo, Rene, JOHN! That’s AWESOME!
Mysterio: Will you just wrestle the damn match?
RVD: Yeah! All right!
With RVD busy giggling and eat Reese’s Pieces and Booker T busy being mysterious, Rey Mysterio has to wrestle all of the opponents by himself, so he kicks everyone in the face. Wheeeeee! Rey hopes he doesn’t get pinned by JBL because that would make three consecutive losses to champions. Next, he just needs to lose to Spike Dudley again. But Spike is a Dudley, so he usually doesn’t win anyway. Kenzo Suzuki takes RVD’s Reese’s Pieces, and you don’t just take a man’s Reese’s Pieces like that, so all of a sudden RVD is a house afire. Then Rey and Rene get into a discussion about U.S. economic policy, leaving JBL alone with Booker T in the ring. It looks like a heel vs. heel face-off, but Booker unexpectedly turns face! OMG SWERVE~! JBL is so distraught he jobs.
JBL: What the hell, man! I thought you were on our side!
Booker: Well, let’s just say I had a little help from my friends.
~~~FLASHBACK~~~
Some Guy: Mr. McMahon, a letter just came for you. I don’t know who it’s from, but it looks like it’s been lost in the mail for a long time.
Vince: Good God. This thing looks like it’s hundreds of years old. Maybe even thousands.
Dear Mr. McMahon,
By the time you read this, it will be too late for me. My name is now Faarooqius, but you knew me as Ron Simmons. On the day you know as March 24, 2004, I will be sent back in time and stranded in ancient Egypt by my former friend and tag-team partner, John Bradshaw Layfield. And while I have made myself a home in Egypt, I am still upset that I will never see my friends and family again. I have hidden this letter in a cave where it will be discovered thousands of years from now in the hopes that it will one day reach you. There is no way you can help me; I am already lost. All I ask is that you grant me one last favor – that you make JBL pay for what he has done to me. I request is that you put another deserving black man over JBL. For me.
Yours truly,
Ron ‘Faarooqius’ Simmons
Vince: My God. He may have become useless late in his WWE career, but Ron was still a dependable worker for many years. I MUST honor his final wishes. But which African-American male is the most worthy of this honor?
Ernest “The Cat” Miller: Somebody call my momma! I’m going over JBL!
Vince: I was thinking more along the lines of Booker T.
Miller: But I’M the greatest!
Vince: Get out of my office.
Miller: Drag.
~~~UN-FLASHBACK~~~
Amazing! Faarooq has gotten his revenge on JBL after some 7000 years! Can anyone save JBL from the final wish of his former friend? Find out next week! Same Bradshaw time, same Bradshaw channel!
Next week: Faarooq’s spirit possesses Ahmed Johnson and uses him to attack JBL, but Ahmed just injures himself in the process. John Heidenreich goes to retrieve Walker: Texas Undertaker’s cowboy hat from the Dungeon of Despair, but somehow comes back with Shockmaster’s helmet instead. Anglelution continues to be a mystery, and hilarity ensues.
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