GARTHIsTheLaw
League Member
Last week: Anglelution was a mystery, Walker: Texas Undertaker’s tendency to miss his cues sent Paul Heyman and John Heidenreich on a journey to the Dungeon of Despair, and Faarooq got his revenge on JBL by forcing him to job from 7000 years in the past. Will Faarooq do anything from the past…TONIGHT?
Coming up later tonight, we will answer the age-old question: Which match has been done more times, Kurt Angle vs. Rey Mysterio or Dawn Marie vs. Torrie Wilson? To be honest, I was hoping to see Rick Martel vs. Tito Santana as part of this contest, but what can you do.
Here’s Al Snow with the seven contestants in the Million Dollar Tough Enough. Yeah, there was an eighth guy, but he no-showed. Sid something. It’s time for part one of their training: Visiting the locker room. Of DOOOOOOOM! I hope.
Snow: Okay, guys, here’s the locker room. Now get dressed.
Big Show: Hey! HEYYYY! What’re you guys doing here?
Snow: Oh, hey Big Show. These guys are here to prepare for their first visit to a WWE ring.
Big Show: What? Not in MY locker room!
Snow: Come on, Big Show. There’s plenty of room for everyone.
Big Show: Oh NO there isn’t! Sure, they start out friendly, but pretty soon they’re playing my GameCube, mooching my Cheez Whiz, and forgetting to pass after they puff! Forget that! My stash is for ME!
Rob Van Dam: Ahem.
Big Show: Oh, right. RVD too.
Snow: Don’t you think you’re overreacting?
Big Show: NO! All the Tough Enough kids do that!
Maven: You don’t know me!
Snow: Maven? What the hell? Aren’t you supposed to be on RAW?
Maven: Aren’t YOU?
Snow: Touchè.
Big Show: Oh, now LOOK! One of them’s in my stash already!
Grandmaster Sexay: Yeah! All right!
RVD: That’s MY catch phrase! Big Show, get him!
Big Show charges at Grandmaster Sexay, but he loses his train of thought before he gets there and starts looking for his yo-yo.
Snow: Oh, screw this. Let’s just head to the ring. Let’s go, guys.
RVD: Punk-ass Tough Enough kids.
Big Show: Well, they’re going to the ring, so they can’t steal any of our stuff now.
Maven: HEY! That’s MY entrance music they’re using! Big Show, get them!
Big Show: You got it!
Maven: I can’t believe how easy that was.
RVD: We really shouldn’t take advantage of him like that.
Maven: Yeah, I think we—hey, is that French onion dip? I’ve got some Pringles in my bag.
RVD: Yeah! All right!
Big Show: Now…which way is that darned ring again…?
Meanwhile, in the ring…
Snow: Alright, kids, it’s time for you to cut some embarrassingly bad promos. Your target is Big Show. Who wants to go first?
Tommy Dreamer: Hey BIG SHOW! You think you’re tough, pushing us around backstage? Well you may be big, Big Show, but I’m HARDCORE! And I’m fixing to take my Singapore cane to your ass! E-C-DUB! E-C-DUB!
Snow: Okay, good, Tommy. Next is Zach Gowen.
Gowen: Yeah, Big Show, you really think you’ve got it all, don’t you? Just because you happen to be 500 pounds and in possession of both your original legs, you expect all of us to just roll over for you. Well it ain’t gonna happen! Don’t forget, Big Show, my first match in WWE was a win over you, and I’m gonna be 2-0 if I have to meet you in a ring again!
Snow: That’s the spirit, Zach. Shane Douglas, you’re up.
Douglas: Pleeeeeeease give me my job back. TNA realized how old I am and stopped pushing me.
Snow: Your promo is supposed to be addressed to Big Show.
Douglas: Does he have any backstage pull?
Snow: Sigh. Let’s just move on to Kurrgan.
Kurrgan: URGGA GRUGGA BRUGGA GRRRRRRR!
Snow: Fantastic. That’s enough of you. Ted DiBiase?
DiBiase: Everybody’s got a price, Big Show. And as soon as I win Million Dollar Tough Enough and get back all the money I wasted on hookers and blow, you WILL sell out to the Million Dollar Man. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Snow: Very convincing, Ted. Your turn, Grandmaster.
Sexay: Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude.
Snow: Amazing. That was a full twenty seconds.
Sexay: Yeah! All right!
Snow: And finally, last AND least…
Ernest “The Cat” Miller: Somebody call my momma! I’m on Million Dollar Tough Enough! This is my ticket back into WWE!
Snow: Not if I can help it.
Miller: Well you CAN’T help it, Al! The fans are voting on this one, and it’s not in your power to cut the Cat, baby!
Snow: Yeah well, it IS in my power to have Big Show beat the everliving snot out of you. Big Show! Get out here!
Big Show: Oh hey. HERE’S where the ring is. Wow, you don’t even want to know where I ended up.
Snow: Big Show, you were right. All these Tough Enough competitors want to steal your stash. Now teach them a lesson.
Big Show: RAAAARRRRR!
Big Show takes one step toward the Tough Enough guys, then lays down on the mat and goes to sleep.
Snow: I should have known this would happen.
Sexay: Yeah! All right!
The Cat kicks Sexay in the face.
Snow: You know, Cat, you may have a future in this business after all.
Miller: I’M the greatest!
Chavo Guerrero vs. Nunzio
Nunzio is just happy to be here tonight. Isn’t he a babyface now too, though? HEEL CRUISERWEIGHTS TURNED FACE EXPLODE! Billy Kidman is YOUR special guest commentator.
Kidman: And then the Kid said, “Look Chavo, you can take your silly little doo-rag, shine it up real nice, turn it sideways, and stick it STRAIGHT UP YOUR CANDY ASS!”
Michael Cole: I don’t think you said that, exactly.
Kidman: Well the Kid is paraphrasing, Cole.
Tazz: How does one shine up a doo-rag?
Kidman: SHUT UP JABRONI! The fact is, the Kid is the most EEEE-LECTRIFYING CRUISERWEIGHT IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT and his jokes don’t HAVE to make sense all of the time!
Cole: So what about this Chavo situation? Still claiming it wasn’t your fault?
Kidman: What, is the Kid Gene Snitsky now? Does the Kid have a ridiculous goatee? Is the Kid feuding with Eugene? Is the Kid’s facial expression perpetually set to “angry and confused”? You need to know your role and shut your mouth before the Kid lays the smack down on your monkey ass!
Tazz: Well, I at least hope your wife keeps you on a tight enough leash that you don’t run off to Hollywood, too.
Kidman: Hollywood Hogan? The Kid will lay the smack down on his orange-cake-frosting ass too!
Wow, Billy Kidman’s mad mic skillz almost let me forget about this ho-hum match. Stupid cruiserweights, taking up valuable time that could have been put to better use by Hardcore Holly. Chavo and Nunzio both sneeze at the same time, causing them to bonk heads and fall down. Kidman enters the ring and goes for the BOTCHED STAR PRESS OF DOOM~ on Chavo, but he botches it too much and lands on the timekeeper’s table. I’ll bet that stings. Nunzio gets up and hits his finisher on himself, so Chavo wins. Yay! I guess?
Here’s JBL and Orlando Jordan backstage with Josh Mathews.
Mathews: I’m starting to think Kurt Angle is avoiding me, guys. He won’t return my calls.
JBL: Shut your pop-music-hole, boy. I have bigger problems. Faarooq is using Booker T to get his revenge on me from beyond the grave.
Jordan: And we used up all the plutonium on the last trip back in time, so we can’t stop him.
JBL: Did you know I haven’t been pinned since before WrestleMania, Clay? And now all of a sudden, Booker T gets to go over me just because Faarooq decreed it in a letter he wrote 7000 years ago! It’s not fair!
Mathews: Actually, you got pinned a couple days after WrestleMania, by Rikishi.
JBL: Shut up! The point is, just because Booker T pinned me once in a tag match, it doesn’t make him awesome all of a sudden. I mean, just LOOK at the list of guys who’ve pinned me. Road Dogg, Crash Holly, Jake “The Snake” Roberts…hell, I’m pretty sure one of the Mean Streets Posse guys beat me once. That doesn’t make THEM top contenders.
Booker: TELL ME you didn’t just say that!
Jordan: Holy obvious backstage set-up, Bradshaw!
Booker: Think about this for a minute, JBL. I beat Slim Cena three times – THREE TIMES – while he still had his Chain Necklace of Thuganomic Wonder. That makes me awesome, see!
JBL: Well I’m still not going to give you a title shot. You’re retiring in a couple of months anyway.
Jordan: What’s up with the WWE Title picture here anyway? You two and Walker: Texas Undertaker are all pretty old, and Eddie Guerrero’s no spring chicken either.
JBL: No kidding. SmackDown! is the new WCW.
Booker: And I’m a FIVE TIME, FIVE TIME, FIVE TIME, FIVE TIME, FIVE TIME Dubya-See-Dubya champion!
JBL: Oh, what the hey. I’m in a good mood today. Tell you what, Booker, you go out there tonight and squash Orlando, and I’ll give you a title shot.
Booker: Sounds good to me. SUCKAAAAAAA!
Jordan: Hey! HEY! Doesn’t anyone care how I feel about this?
Mathews: Welcome to my world, Orlando.
Meanwhile, here’s Heidenreich on his cell phone.
Heidenreich: Can you hear me now?
Paul Heyman: I hate you.
Heidenreich: GOOD! Listen, I think I took a wrong turn someplace. I’m not sure what dungeon I’m in, but it’s not the Dungeon of Despair.
Heyman: Yeah, I lost you back in the Forest of Peril. What does it look like where you are?
Heidenreich: Well, it’s all foggy, and it looks…it looks kinda like I’m on a long street with only a few lights.
Heyman: Huh.
Heidenreich: Hey, somebody’s coming. I’m going to see if I can get some directions.
Bill DeMott: Ahhhh, this place sure brings back memories.
Heidenreich: Bill? What are YOU doing here?
DeMott: I’m from here. This is where my roots are.
Heidenreich: Just where the hell AM I?
DeMott: You don’t know?
The Barbarian: ‘Sup.
DeMott: Meng! Barbarian! Hey, are you guys here for a visit too?
Barbarian: Nah, man. We still live here.
DeMott: No kidding. So what’s been going on since I was here last?
Heyman: John? What’s happening?
Heidenreich: I don’t know. Bill DeMott is here, and so are Meng and the Barbarian. And there’s some guy with a box of Lucky Charms off in the distance, and…
Heyman: John, get out of there RIGHT NOW. Haven’t you figured out where you are?
Jimmy Hart: Taskmaster! Taskmaster!
Sullivan: What do you want?
Hart: Do you still have my copy of Brooke Hogan’s CD?
Sullivan: Yeah, somewhere. Let me go look.
Heidenreich: Say…this is the Dungeon of Doom, isn’t it?
Heyman: YES! Now RUN!
Heidenreich: Oh, it doesn’t seem so bad…
Sullivan: Found it!
Hart: Good! Crank it up!
Brooke: I’M EVERYTHING YOU WANT…I’M EVERYTHING YOU NEED…
Heidenreich: AAAAIIIIIIEEEEE!
Mark Henry and Garrison Cade want you to vote, or they swear to God they’ll come back on TV. And you thought P. Diddy’s threats were frightening.
Now, here’s Paul in the Dungeon of Despair. Wow, WWE cameras really can get in ANYWHERE.
Heyman: Phew! There’s the cowboy hat. How in the hell did Eddie Guerrero get it on top of this pedestal, anyway?
Undertaker: Halt! Who goes there?
Heyman: EEP!
Undertaker: Hey, keep it down, will you? Jesus CRAP my head hurts.
Heyman: What…what are you doing here?
Undertaker: You know, I have no idea. I went on a bender last week, and the next thing I know, I’m in this dungeon, there’s molten lava all over the place, and my hat is on top of that pedestal.
Heyman: And you’ve been having trouble reaching it?
Undertaker: Reaching it? Damn man, I haven’t even TRIED yet. This hangover is killing me. I was trying to sleep it off when YOU had to come by and wake me up.
Heyman: Sorry.
Undertaker: So what brings you here?
Heyman: Actually, I’m on a quest to find your cowboy hat too. Theodore Long told me if I found it, you’d stop missing your cues. Heidenreich was with me, but he got lost in some other dungeon.
Undertaker: Yeah, about that. Sorry for all the missed cues. It’s been a rough night.
Heyman: Uh, you’ve been missing cues for weeks now.
Undertaker: You don’t say.
Heyman: Yup.
Undertaker: Well. That was one hell of a bender.
Heyman: So, I’ve been meaning to ask. How about you squash Heidenreich at Survivor Series and bring this lame-ass feud to an end?
Undertaker: Help me get my hat and you’ve got a deal.
Heyman: How are we going to do that? That pedestal is 20 feet high.
Sid: Perhaps I can be of some assistance.
Heyman: Sid? What the hell are you doing here?
Sid: I was on my way to Omaha for Million Dollar Tough Enough, but I guess I got lost.
Heyman: This is pretty far away from Omaha, Sid.
Sid: Yeah well, some guy with a clover in his hat gave me bad directions. Now, are we getting that cowboy hat, or what?
Heyman: It looks like we’re still a little short. I wonder where Heidenreich is.
Heidenreich: GAH! Stupid…Brooke Hogan…song…so…bad…just like…Vertical Horizon song…only…somehow…worse…
Undertaker: Hey, you’re just in time. Help get my cowboy hat from the top of this pedestal.
Heidenreich: OOKAAAYYYY!
Everyone comes together to form a human ladder.
Heyman: Almost…almost…YES! Got it!
Sid: Hurry…up…knee…giving…OUT!
The human ladder collapses, leaving everyone in a jumble of arms, legs and a cowboy hat.
Undertaker: Owwww GOD my head! This is the worst hangover ever.
Heyman: Why are YOU complaining? Sid’s in the lava pit.
Sid: …I never beat Hogan!
Sid melts away into nothingness.
Undertaker: Moment of silence, please.
Moment of silence.
Undertaker: Right, then. Still want that match at Survivor Series, Heidenreich?
Heidenreich: YEEAAAAHHHH!
Undertaker: Well, you got it.
Heidenreich: OOKAAAYYYY!
Undertaker: Now, get outta here. I need a nap.
Heyman: Alright, let’s go, Heidenreich. But to be honest, I’m not real sure how I came in. How are we going to get out of here?
Leprechaun: Perhaps I could interest ye in a map, laddy.
Heyman: That would be nice of you.
Leprechaun: Aye, laddy, it’s yours…in exchange for a spot on yer show!
Heyman: Dammit. I really need that map. Teddy is not going to like this.
Heidenreich: WWHHHAAATT?
Kurt Angle vs. Rey Mysterio
I guess Theodore Long decided that Anglelution is a bit too much of a mystery, because they’re banned from ringside for this match. Angle and Mysterio stare each other down, garnering 12 stars from all the Internet viewers. OMG ANGLE~! OMG MYSTERIO~! OMG TEST~! Sorry, that’s my own personal OMG getting involved there. Angle chases Mysterio around the ring to festive circus music. It’s “Capture the Midget” all over again. Somewhere, Max Mini is sad that his gimmick has been stolen. Finally, the referee declares this match in need of more Kane and he leaves to go find some. Luther Reigns and Roy Jindrak come to the ring to get their interfere on, but Rob Van Dam shows up looking for some mini-Mr. Goodbars and makes Luther and Jindrak help him look. Eventually, the referee comes back with some more Kane, but it’s actually Eddie Guerrero in a Kane mask. Wow, these referees don’t ever watch RAW, Kane hasn’t been masked in a year and a half. Angle is so annoyed by Eddie’s presence he jobs. Viva Team Babyface!
Here’s Torrie Wilson backstage.
Torrie: Hmm…which outfit should I wear, the slutty one or the slutty one?
Kenzo Suzuki: Aye, lassy. I think ye should wear the first one.
Torrie: Dammit, Kenzo! Quit stalking me or my husband will get you!
Kenzo: And would that be the husband who walked out and let me win his Tag Team Title belt, lass? Because ye’ll have a hard time convincin’ me he’s a threat.
Torrie: Ohhhh I hope the Leprechaun mauls you for stealing his accent.
Kenzo: I’m not scared o’ him. I even took his Lucky Charms, too.
Torrie: Out of my locker room! Out!
Kenzo: Ye’ve not seen the last of me, lass.
Elsewhere backstage, Anglelution and Team Babyface are arguing over who gets to keep the dime both teams found at the same time when GM Theodore Long shows up.
Long: Holla holla holla. I can see all of you are haterizing over the earlier match between Kurt Angle and Rey Mysterio.
Angle: No, actually this is over that dime, which Luther TOTALLY saw before Eddie.
Eddie: That’s BS! I saw it WAAAAAY before Luther did, ese!
Long: Whatever. Regardless, I realize the only way to stop this haterizing is to book an old-school Survivor Series match.
Angle: Why don’t you just choose who gets the dime?
Long: Because then I would have to deal with this. Now, I’m making it so you guys have to deal with the problem.
Eddie: Gee, thanks.
Long: You’re welcome. Well, I’m going to go get smashed. Off you go to find fourth members for your teams, now.
Angle: Fine.
Eddie: Fine.
Uncomfortable silence.
Reigns: You’re going to DROP THE DIME at Survivor Series, Rey.
Angle: Dammit, Luther.
And now, here are our lovely announcers with an update on Slim Cena.
Cole: Wow! Survivor Series matches at Survivor Series! I’m all a-tingle!
Tazz: Maybe your foot is just asleep.
Cole: Oh. So it is, so it is. Well anyway, it’s my understanding that Slim Cena is recovering very well.
Tazz: Is the movie really going to be that terrible?
Cole: No, I mean from the lamppost.
Tazz: Oh. OH! Um…that’s what I meant too. The lamppost.
Cole: Those lampposts can be pretty vicious.
Tazz: No doubt.
Cole: Now, here’s Clay Aiken with the man who may have had something to do with the aforementioned lamppost, Carlito Caribbean Cool.
Mathews: God, they have me interview EVERYONE except Kurt.
Carlito: Hey! Stop your whining, you are in the presence of coolness.
Mathews: But I don’t wanna!
Carlito: So I suppose you want to know if I set up that lamppost Slim Cena jobbed to.
Mathews: No, not really.
Carlito: Well, good, because I don’t want to tell you, and neither does my associate here!
A lamppost crashes to the ground in front of Josh Mathews, causing him to jump back.
Mathews: Egad! It’s the lamppost!
Carlito: Lamppost? Uh, no, this is my um…new…um…BODYGUARD! Yes, this is my new bodyguard, Jesus. Isn’t that right, Jesus?
Jesus: …
Carlito: See? See? He’s quiet and menacing, just like all bodyguards are for a few weeks until someone makes the grievous mistake of giving them mic time!
Tyson Tomko: Sniffle.
Mathews: Okay, now you’ve GOT to be joking me.
Carlito: What? What’s to kid about? Look, I might have been on that same street the night Slim Cena jobbed to the lamppost, but I didn’t KNOW that lamppost. No matter what he tells you.
Mathews: This is ridiculous. I’m going to go look for Kurt.
Carlito: Hey! That's not cool! PRODUCE ATTACK!
Carlito hits Josh with a banana. How fitting.
HALLOWEEN COSTUME CONTEST: Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie
Torrie and Dawn realize they’re both wearing the same Lara Croft costume. How embarrassing. Torrie even went to the trouble of dying her hair brown for it. Oh Jesus, Dawn has a mic.
Dawn: Look! I’m dressed as Lara Croft! And on another note, Charlie Haas loves to play Tomb Raider. By which I mean he likes to have SEX! With ME! Ha ha, I’m the best mic worker ever.
Torrie: Dawn, do you think anyone REALLY believes you’re doing Charlie Haas?
Dawn: It’s way more plausible than the idea that YOU’RE doing Billy Kidman.
Torrie: True that. Sometimes even I hardly believe it.
Dawn: Besides, Charlie is definitely a big step up from your DAD. Who I ALSO had SEX with.
Torrie: WAAAAAAAAH!
Jackie Gayda: That was awfully mean, Dawn.
Dawn: What? It was just an angle.
Jackie: Yeah, but it was like the worst angle in the history of wrestling.
Dawn: Where’d you hear that?
Jackie: It was on the Internet. Everything on the Internet is true, right?
Dawn: Yep. Which reminds me, the Internet said I had SEX with CHARLIE HAAS!
Jackie: Oh no you DI-N’T!
Jackie hits Dawn with the Styles Clash, followed by an Emerald Frosion and a corkscrew moonsault. That’s pretty impressive, considering she was just going for a couple of slaps and hair pulls but blew all the spots.
Now it’s time for another exciting edition of Backstage With Big Show.
Big Show: Hello, and welcome back. My current guest is Eddie Guerrero. Good to have you back, Eddie.
Eddie: Good to be here again, Big Show.
Big Show: So, I understand you’re going to be involved in an elimination match at Survivor Series and need to find a partner.
Eddie: That’s correct, Big Show. Team Babyface and I need a fourth member to complete our team.
Big Show: Well, I’d like to throw my hat into the ring for that honor.
Eddie: Hm…well…our first choice was Funaki, but if he doesn’t work out, I’ll give you a call.
Big Show: I suppose that’s fair.
Eddie: If I may say so, Big Show, you’re unusually…uh…coherent tonight.
Big Show: One of those damned Tough Enough kids swiped my stash. I’m going to find who did it, eat him, and then get HIIIIIIIIGH as a mofo.
Eddie: Any leads?
Big Show: Not yet, but by golly, I will not rest until my stash has been recovered.
Eddie: Well, good luck with that.
RVD: Hey Eddie, how do you want to divide this up? I mean, there is a LOT here.
Eddie: NOT A GOOD TIME, RVD.
RVD: Duuuuuuuuuude.
RAW Rewind: Eric Bischoff leaves early to go do body shots of tequila off of Jazz’s stomach, so Evolution books the show. Doesn’t Triple H book every show anyway? Oh no! I’ve exposed the business! Ric Flair is going to take my old lady for a ride on Space Mountain! (Fat boy! WHOOOO!)
Now, here’s Anglelution backstage, thinking of how they’re going to use that dime.
Angle: I’m going to get some more duct tape to repair my neck.
Reigns: I’m going to buy a pony!
Jindrak: I’m going to get Sean O’Haire rehired!
All: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Angle: Good one, Jindrak.
Spike Dudley: Hey, it’s Anglelution!
Bubba Ray Dudley: I hear you’re a mystery.
D-Von Dudley: Yeah, want to help us solve the mystery of why we don’t ever win?
Jindrak: It’s because you don’t face Shannon Moore enough. That always works for me.
Bubba: Ooh, let me write that down.
Spike: Quiet, you! Listen guys, this stable I’m in now is going nowhere. Bubba and D-Von haven’t been over for years. You guys are new! You’re hip! You’re trendy! I want to be part of your team at Survivor Series to distance myself from these losers.
Angle: I don’t know, Spike. You have the Cruiserweight Title, but you’re never even on TV. That doesn’t look good for you.
Spike: Come ON! I’m dying here!
Angle: Tell you what. I know Team Babyface will be the first ones eliminated, and Eddie’s losing his push because he’s going nuts, but Big Show kinda worries me. Get rid of him and you can be on my team.
Spike: Deal!
D-Von: You know he’s just trying to get rid of you, right? Big Show is still going to be in that match no matter what.
Spike pokes D-Von in the eyes.
D-Von: OWWWW!
Spike: Quiet, you.
Booker T vs. Orlando Jordan
Orlando Jordan is sad because he knows he’s going to lose. Come on, buck up, Orlando. At least you’re losing in the main event. JBL is at ringside for this match, because he doesn’t like the idea of this match not having ANY rich white guys involved in it. Too bad DiBiase is stuffed in a crate backstage with all the other Tough Enough kids. Booker T and Orlando discuss the lack of time-traveling African-American characters in modern cinema, so JBL gets bored and starts playing the harmonica. Wow, what a great match. Where’s Billy Gunn when you need him? Right, right, killed by Heidenreich. And people say that guy has no practical use. Is this match still going on? Orlando Jordan just kind of wanders off, so I guess Booker T wins. Huh. JBL vs. Booker T in a PPV main event. But what role will Faarooq play? What role will Stevie Ray play? Find out next week! Same Bradshaw time, same Bradshaw channel!
Next week: Anglelution is a little less of a mystery. JBL sends Stevie Ray to Victorian England to stop Faarooq’s diabolical plot. The Leprechaun makes his debut jobbing to Jesus the Lamppost, and hilarity ensues.
Coming up later tonight, we will answer the age-old question: Which match has been done more times, Kurt Angle vs. Rey Mysterio or Dawn Marie vs. Torrie Wilson? To be honest, I was hoping to see Rick Martel vs. Tito Santana as part of this contest, but what can you do.
Here’s Al Snow with the seven contestants in the Million Dollar Tough Enough. Yeah, there was an eighth guy, but he no-showed. Sid something. It’s time for part one of their training: Visiting the locker room. Of DOOOOOOOM! I hope.
Snow: Okay, guys, here’s the locker room. Now get dressed.
Big Show: Hey! HEYYYY! What’re you guys doing here?
Snow: Oh, hey Big Show. These guys are here to prepare for their first visit to a WWE ring.
Big Show: What? Not in MY locker room!
Snow: Come on, Big Show. There’s plenty of room for everyone.
Big Show: Oh NO there isn’t! Sure, they start out friendly, but pretty soon they’re playing my GameCube, mooching my Cheez Whiz, and forgetting to pass after they puff! Forget that! My stash is for ME!
Rob Van Dam: Ahem.
Big Show: Oh, right. RVD too.
Snow: Don’t you think you’re overreacting?
Big Show: NO! All the Tough Enough kids do that!
Maven: You don’t know me!
Snow: Maven? What the hell? Aren’t you supposed to be on RAW?
Maven: Aren’t YOU?
Snow: Touchè.
Big Show: Oh, now LOOK! One of them’s in my stash already!
Grandmaster Sexay: Yeah! All right!
RVD: That’s MY catch phrase! Big Show, get him!
Big Show charges at Grandmaster Sexay, but he loses his train of thought before he gets there and starts looking for his yo-yo.
Snow: Oh, screw this. Let’s just head to the ring. Let’s go, guys.
RVD: Punk-ass Tough Enough kids.
Big Show: Well, they’re going to the ring, so they can’t steal any of our stuff now.
Maven: HEY! That’s MY entrance music they’re using! Big Show, get them!
Big Show: You got it!
Maven: I can’t believe how easy that was.
RVD: We really shouldn’t take advantage of him like that.
Maven: Yeah, I think we—hey, is that French onion dip? I’ve got some Pringles in my bag.
RVD: Yeah! All right!
Big Show: Now…which way is that darned ring again…?
Meanwhile, in the ring…
Snow: Alright, kids, it’s time for you to cut some embarrassingly bad promos. Your target is Big Show. Who wants to go first?
Tommy Dreamer: Hey BIG SHOW! You think you’re tough, pushing us around backstage? Well you may be big, Big Show, but I’m HARDCORE! And I’m fixing to take my Singapore cane to your ass! E-C-DUB! E-C-DUB!
Snow: Okay, good, Tommy. Next is Zach Gowen.
Gowen: Yeah, Big Show, you really think you’ve got it all, don’t you? Just because you happen to be 500 pounds and in possession of both your original legs, you expect all of us to just roll over for you. Well it ain’t gonna happen! Don’t forget, Big Show, my first match in WWE was a win over you, and I’m gonna be 2-0 if I have to meet you in a ring again!
Snow: That’s the spirit, Zach. Shane Douglas, you’re up.
Douglas: Pleeeeeeease give me my job back. TNA realized how old I am and stopped pushing me.
Snow: Your promo is supposed to be addressed to Big Show.
Douglas: Does he have any backstage pull?
Snow: Sigh. Let’s just move on to Kurrgan.
Kurrgan: URGGA GRUGGA BRUGGA GRRRRRRR!
Snow: Fantastic. That’s enough of you. Ted DiBiase?
DiBiase: Everybody’s got a price, Big Show. And as soon as I win Million Dollar Tough Enough and get back all the money I wasted on hookers and blow, you WILL sell out to the Million Dollar Man. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Snow: Very convincing, Ted. Your turn, Grandmaster.
Sexay: Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude.
Snow: Amazing. That was a full twenty seconds.
Sexay: Yeah! All right!
Snow: And finally, last AND least…
Ernest “The Cat” Miller: Somebody call my momma! I’m on Million Dollar Tough Enough! This is my ticket back into WWE!
Snow: Not if I can help it.
Miller: Well you CAN’T help it, Al! The fans are voting on this one, and it’s not in your power to cut the Cat, baby!
Snow: Yeah well, it IS in my power to have Big Show beat the everliving snot out of you. Big Show! Get out here!
Big Show: Oh hey. HERE’S where the ring is. Wow, you don’t even want to know where I ended up.
Snow: Big Show, you were right. All these Tough Enough competitors want to steal your stash. Now teach them a lesson.
Big Show: RAAAARRRRR!
Big Show takes one step toward the Tough Enough guys, then lays down on the mat and goes to sleep.
Snow: I should have known this would happen.
Sexay: Yeah! All right!
The Cat kicks Sexay in the face.
Snow: You know, Cat, you may have a future in this business after all.
Miller: I’M the greatest!
Chavo Guerrero vs. Nunzio
Nunzio is just happy to be here tonight. Isn’t he a babyface now too, though? HEEL CRUISERWEIGHTS TURNED FACE EXPLODE! Billy Kidman is YOUR special guest commentator.
Kidman: And then the Kid said, “Look Chavo, you can take your silly little doo-rag, shine it up real nice, turn it sideways, and stick it STRAIGHT UP YOUR CANDY ASS!”
Michael Cole: I don’t think you said that, exactly.
Kidman: Well the Kid is paraphrasing, Cole.
Tazz: How does one shine up a doo-rag?
Kidman: SHUT UP JABRONI! The fact is, the Kid is the most EEEE-LECTRIFYING CRUISERWEIGHT IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT and his jokes don’t HAVE to make sense all of the time!
Cole: So what about this Chavo situation? Still claiming it wasn’t your fault?
Kidman: What, is the Kid Gene Snitsky now? Does the Kid have a ridiculous goatee? Is the Kid feuding with Eugene? Is the Kid’s facial expression perpetually set to “angry and confused”? You need to know your role and shut your mouth before the Kid lays the smack down on your monkey ass!
Tazz: Well, I at least hope your wife keeps you on a tight enough leash that you don’t run off to Hollywood, too.
Kidman: Hollywood Hogan? The Kid will lay the smack down on his orange-cake-frosting ass too!
Wow, Billy Kidman’s mad mic skillz almost let me forget about this ho-hum match. Stupid cruiserweights, taking up valuable time that could have been put to better use by Hardcore Holly. Chavo and Nunzio both sneeze at the same time, causing them to bonk heads and fall down. Kidman enters the ring and goes for the BOTCHED STAR PRESS OF DOOM~ on Chavo, but he botches it too much and lands on the timekeeper’s table. I’ll bet that stings. Nunzio gets up and hits his finisher on himself, so Chavo wins. Yay! I guess?
Here’s JBL and Orlando Jordan backstage with Josh Mathews.
Mathews: I’m starting to think Kurt Angle is avoiding me, guys. He won’t return my calls.
JBL: Shut your pop-music-hole, boy. I have bigger problems. Faarooq is using Booker T to get his revenge on me from beyond the grave.
Jordan: And we used up all the plutonium on the last trip back in time, so we can’t stop him.
JBL: Did you know I haven’t been pinned since before WrestleMania, Clay? And now all of a sudden, Booker T gets to go over me just because Faarooq decreed it in a letter he wrote 7000 years ago! It’s not fair!
Mathews: Actually, you got pinned a couple days after WrestleMania, by Rikishi.
JBL: Shut up! The point is, just because Booker T pinned me once in a tag match, it doesn’t make him awesome all of a sudden. I mean, just LOOK at the list of guys who’ve pinned me. Road Dogg, Crash Holly, Jake “The Snake” Roberts…hell, I’m pretty sure one of the Mean Streets Posse guys beat me once. That doesn’t make THEM top contenders.
Booker: TELL ME you didn’t just say that!
Jordan: Holy obvious backstage set-up, Bradshaw!
Booker: Think about this for a minute, JBL. I beat Slim Cena three times – THREE TIMES – while he still had his Chain Necklace of Thuganomic Wonder. That makes me awesome, see!
JBL: Well I’m still not going to give you a title shot. You’re retiring in a couple of months anyway.
Jordan: What’s up with the WWE Title picture here anyway? You two and Walker: Texas Undertaker are all pretty old, and Eddie Guerrero’s no spring chicken either.
JBL: No kidding. SmackDown! is the new WCW.
Booker: And I’m a FIVE TIME, FIVE TIME, FIVE TIME, FIVE TIME, FIVE TIME Dubya-See-Dubya champion!
JBL: Oh, what the hey. I’m in a good mood today. Tell you what, Booker, you go out there tonight and squash Orlando, and I’ll give you a title shot.
Booker: Sounds good to me. SUCKAAAAAAA!
Jordan: Hey! HEY! Doesn’t anyone care how I feel about this?
Mathews: Welcome to my world, Orlando.
Meanwhile, here’s Heidenreich on his cell phone.
Heidenreich: Can you hear me now?
Paul Heyman: I hate you.
Heidenreich: GOOD! Listen, I think I took a wrong turn someplace. I’m not sure what dungeon I’m in, but it’s not the Dungeon of Despair.
Heyman: Yeah, I lost you back in the Forest of Peril. What does it look like where you are?
Heidenreich: Well, it’s all foggy, and it looks…it looks kinda like I’m on a long street with only a few lights.
Heyman: Huh.
Heidenreich: Hey, somebody’s coming. I’m going to see if I can get some directions.
Bill DeMott: Ahhhh, this place sure brings back memories.
Heidenreich: Bill? What are YOU doing here?
DeMott: I’m from here. This is where my roots are.
Heidenreich: Just where the hell AM I?
DeMott: You don’t know?
The Barbarian: ‘Sup.
DeMott: Meng! Barbarian! Hey, are you guys here for a visit too?
Barbarian: Nah, man. We still live here.
DeMott: No kidding. So what’s been going on since I was here last?
Heyman: John? What’s happening?
Heidenreich: I don’t know. Bill DeMott is here, and so are Meng and the Barbarian. And there’s some guy with a box of Lucky Charms off in the distance, and…
Heyman: John, get out of there RIGHT NOW. Haven’t you figured out where you are?
Jimmy Hart: Taskmaster! Taskmaster!
Sullivan: What do you want?
Hart: Do you still have my copy of Brooke Hogan’s CD?
Sullivan: Yeah, somewhere. Let me go look.
Heidenreich: Say…this is the Dungeon of Doom, isn’t it?
Heyman: YES! Now RUN!
Heidenreich: Oh, it doesn’t seem so bad…
Sullivan: Found it!
Hart: Good! Crank it up!
Brooke: I’M EVERYTHING YOU WANT…I’M EVERYTHING YOU NEED…
Heidenreich: AAAAIIIIIIEEEEE!
Mark Henry and Garrison Cade want you to vote, or they swear to God they’ll come back on TV. And you thought P. Diddy’s threats were frightening.
Now, here’s Paul in the Dungeon of Despair. Wow, WWE cameras really can get in ANYWHERE.
Heyman: Phew! There’s the cowboy hat. How in the hell did Eddie Guerrero get it on top of this pedestal, anyway?
Undertaker: Halt! Who goes there?
Heyman: EEP!
Undertaker: Hey, keep it down, will you? Jesus CRAP my head hurts.
Heyman: What…what are you doing here?
Undertaker: You know, I have no idea. I went on a bender last week, and the next thing I know, I’m in this dungeon, there’s molten lava all over the place, and my hat is on top of that pedestal.
Heyman: And you’ve been having trouble reaching it?
Undertaker: Reaching it? Damn man, I haven’t even TRIED yet. This hangover is killing me. I was trying to sleep it off when YOU had to come by and wake me up.
Heyman: Sorry.
Undertaker: So what brings you here?
Heyman: Actually, I’m on a quest to find your cowboy hat too. Theodore Long told me if I found it, you’d stop missing your cues. Heidenreich was with me, but he got lost in some other dungeon.
Undertaker: Yeah, about that. Sorry for all the missed cues. It’s been a rough night.
Heyman: Uh, you’ve been missing cues for weeks now.
Undertaker: You don’t say.
Heyman: Yup.
Undertaker: Well. That was one hell of a bender.
Heyman: So, I’ve been meaning to ask. How about you squash Heidenreich at Survivor Series and bring this lame-ass feud to an end?
Undertaker: Help me get my hat and you’ve got a deal.
Heyman: How are we going to do that? That pedestal is 20 feet high.
Sid: Perhaps I can be of some assistance.
Heyman: Sid? What the hell are you doing here?
Sid: I was on my way to Omaha for Million Dollar Tough Enough, but I guess I got lost.
Heyman: This is pretty far away from Omaha, Sid.
Sid: Yeah well, some guy with a clover in his hat gave me bad directions. Now, are we getting that cowboy hat, or what?
Heyman: It looks like we’re still a little short. I wonder where Heidenreich is.
Heidenreich: GAH! Stupid…Brooke Hogan…song…so…bad…just like…Vertical Horizon song…only…somehow…worse…
Undertaker: Hey, you’re just in time. Help get my cowboy hat from the top of this pedestal.
Heidenreich: OOKAAAYYYY!
Everyone comes together to form a human ladder.
Heyman: Almost…almost…YES! Got it!
Sid: Hurry…up…knee…giving…OUT!
The human ladder collapses, leaving everyone in a jumble of arms, legs and a cowboy hat.
Undertaker: Owwww GOD my head! This is the worst hangover ever.
Heyman: Why are YOU complaining? Sid’s in the lava pit.
Sid: …I never beat Hogan!
Sid melts away into nothingness.
Undertaker: Moment of silence, please.
Moment of silence.
Undertaker: Right, then. Still want that match at Survivor Series, Heidenreich?
Heidenreich: YEEAAAAHHHH!
Undertaker: Well, you got it.
Heidenreich: OOKAAAYYYY!
Undertaker: Now, get outta here. I need a nap.
Heyman: Alright, let’s go, Heidenreich. But to be honest, I’m not real sure how I came in. How are we going to get out of here?
Leprechaun: Perhaps I could interest ye in a map, laddy.
Heyman: That would be nice of you.
Leprechaun: Aye, laddy, it’s yours…in exchange for a spot on yer show!
Heyman: Dammit. I really need that map. Teddy is not going to like this.
Heidenreich: WWHHHAAATT?
Kurt Angle vs. Rey Mysterio
I guess Theodore Long decided that Anglelution is a bit too much of a mystery, because they’re banned from ringside for this match. Angle and Mysterio stare each other down, garnering 12 stars from all the Internet viewers. OMG ANGLE~! OMG MYSTERIO~! OMG TEST~! Sorry, that’s my own personal OMG getting involved there. Angle chases Mysterio around the ring to festive circus music. It’s “Capture the Midget” all over again. Somewhere, Max Mini is sad that his gimmick has been stolen. Finally, the referee declares this match in need of more Kane and he leaves to go find some. Luther Reigns and Roy Jindrak come to the ring to get their interfere on, but Rob Van Dam shows up looking for some mini-Mr. Goodbars and makes Luther and Jindrak help him look. Eventually, the referee comes back with some more Kane, but it’s actually Eddie Guerrero in a Kane mask. Wow, these referees don’t ever watch RAW, Kane hasn’t been masked in a year and a half. Angle is so annoyed by Eddie’s presence he jobs. Viva Team Babyface!
Here’s Torrie Wilson backstage.
Torrie: Hmm…which outfit should I wear, the slutty one or the slutty one?
Kenzo Suzuki: Aye, lassy. I think ye should wear the first one.
Torrie: Dammit, Kenzo! Quit stalking me or my husband will get you!
Kenzo: And would that be the husband who walked out and let me win his Tag Team Title belt, lass? Because ye’ll have a hard time convincin’ me he’s a threat.
Torrie: Ohhhh I hope the Leprechaun mauls you for stealing his accent.
Kenzo: I’m not scared o’ him. I even took his Lucky Charms, too.
Torrie: Out of my locker room! Out!
Kenzo: Ye’ve not seen the last of me, lass.
Elsewhere backstage, Anglelution and Team Babyface are arguing over who gets to keep the dime both teams found at the same time when GM Theodore Long shows up.
Long: Holla holla holla. I can see all of you are haterizing over the earlier match between Kurt Angle and Rey Mysterio.
Angle: No, actually this is over that dime, which Luther TOTALLY saw before Eddie.
Eddie: That’s BS! I saw it WAAAAAY before Luther did, ese!
Long: Whatever. Regardless, I realize the only way to stop this haterizing is to book an old-school Survivor Series match.
Angle: Why don’t you just choose who gets the dime?
Long: Because then I would have to deal with this. Now, I’m making it so you guys have to deal with the problem.
Eddie: Gee, thanks.
Long: You’re welcome. Well, I’m going to go get smashed. Off you go to find fourth members for your teams, now.
Angle: Fine.
Eddie: Fine.
Uncomfortable silence.
Reigns: You’re going to DROP THE DIME at Survivor Series, Rey.
Angle: Dammit, Luther.
And now, here are our lovely announcers with an update on Slim Cena.
Cole: Wow! Survivor Series matches at Survivor Series! I’m all a-tingle!
Tazz: Maybe your foot is just asleep.
Cole: Oh. So it is, so it is. Well anyway, it’s my understanding that Slim Cena is recovering very well.
Tazz: Is the movie really going to be that terrible?
Cole: No, I mean from the lamppost.
Tazz: Oh. OH! Um…that’s what I meant too. The lamppost.
Cole: Those lampposts can be pretty vicious.
Tazz: No doubt.
Cole: Now, here’s Clay Aiken with the man who may have had something to do with the aforementioned lamppost, Carlito Caribbean Cool.
Mathews: God, they have me interview EVERYONE except Kurt.
Carlito: Hey! Stop your whining, you are in the presence of coolness.
Mathews: But I don’t wanna!
Carlito: So I suppose you want to know if I set up that lamppost Slim Cena jobbed to.
Mathews: No, not really.
Carlito: Well, good, because I don’t want to tell you, and neither does my associate here!
A lamppost crashes to the ground in front of Josh Mathews, causing him to jump back.
Mathews: Egad! It’s the lamppost!
Carlito: Lamppost? Uh, no, this is my um…new…um…BODYGUARD! Yes, this is my new bodyguard, Jesus. Isn’t that right, Jesus?
Jesus: …
Carlito: See? See? He’s quiet and menacing, just like all bodyguards are for a few weeks until someone makes the grievous mistake of giving them mic time!
Tyson Tomko: Sniffle.
Mathews: Okay, now you’ve GOT to be joking me.
Carlito: What? What’s to kid about? Look, I might have been on that same street the night Slim Cena jobbed to the lamppost, but I didn’t KNOW that lamppost. No matter what he tells you.
Mathews: This is ridiculous. I’m going to go look for Kurt.
Carlito: Hey! That's not cool! PRODUCE ATTACK!
Carlito hits Josh with a banana. How fitting.
HALLOWEEN COSTUME CONTEST: Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie
Torrie and Dawn realize they’re both wearing the same Lara Croft costume. How embarrassing. Torrie even went to the trouble of dying her hair brown for it. Oh Jesus, Dawn has a mic.
Dawn: Look! I’m dressed as Lara Croft! And on another note, Charlie Haas loves to play Tomb Raider. By which I mean he likes to have SEX! With ME! Ha ha, I’m the best mic worker ever.
Torrie: Dawn, do you think anyone REALLY believes you’re doing Charlie Haas?
Dawn: It’s way more plausible than the idea that YOU’RE doing Billy Kidman.
Torrie: True that. Sometimes even I hardly believe it.
Dawn: Besides, Charlie is definitely a big step up from your DAD. Who I ALSO had SEX with.
Torrie: WAAAAAAAAH!
Jackie Gayda: That was awfully mean, Dawn.
Dawn: What? It was just an angle.
Jackie: Yeah, but it was like the worst angle in the history of wrestling.
Dawn: Where’d you hear that?
Jackie: It was on the Internet. Everything on the Internet is true, right?
Dawn: Yep. Which reminds me, the Internet said I had SEX with CHARLIE HAAS!
Jackie: Oh no you DI-N’T!
Jackie hits Dawn with the Styles Clash, followed by an Emerald Frosion and a corkscrew moonsault. That’s pretty impressive, considering she was just going for a couple of slaps and hair pulls but blew all the spots.
Now it’s time for another exciting edition of Backstage With Big Show.
Big Show: Hello, and welcome back. My current guest is Eddie Guerrero. Good to have you back, Eddie.
Eddie: Good to be here again, Big Show.
Big Show: So, I understand you’re going to be involved in an elimination match at Survivor Series and need to find a partner.
Eddie: That’s correct, Big Show. Team Babyface and I need a fourth member to complete our team.
Big Show: Well, I’d like to throw my hat into the ring for that honor.
Eddie: Hm…well…our first choice was Funaki, but if he doesn’t work out, I’ll give you a call.
Big Show: I suppose that’s fair.
Eddie: If I may say so, Big Show, you’re unusually…uh…coherent tonight.
Big Show: One of those damned Tough Enough kids swiped my stash. I’m going to find who did it, eat him, and then get HIIIIIIIIGH as a mofo.
Eddie: Any leads?
Big Show: Not yet, but by golly, I will not rest until my stash has been recovered.
Eddie: Well, good luck with that.
RVD: Hey Eddie, how do you want to divide this up? I mean, there is a LOT here.
Eddie: NOT A GOOD TIME, RVD.
RVD: Duuuuuuuuuude.
RAW Rewind: Eric Bischoff leaves early to go do body shots of tequila off of Jazz’s stomach, so Evolution books the show. Doesn’t Triple H book every show anyway? Oh no! I’ve exposed the business! Ric Flair is going to take my old lady for a ride on Space Mountain! (Fat boy! WHOOOO!)
Now, here’s Anglelution backstage, thinking of how they’re going to use that dime.
Angle: I’m going to get some more duct tape to repair my neck.
Reigns: I’m going to buy a pony!
Jindrak: I’m going to get Sean O’Haire rehired!
All: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Angle: Good one, Jindrak.
Spike Dudley: Hey, it’s Anglelution!
Bubba Ray Dudley: I hear you’re a mystery.
D-Von Dudley: Yeah, want to help us solve the mystery of why we don’t ever win?
Jindrak: It’s because you don’t face Shannon Moore enough. That always works for me.
Bubba: Ooh, let me write that down.
Spike: Quiet, you! Listen guys, this stable I’m in now is going nowhere. Bubba and D-Von haven’t been over for years. You guys are new! You’re hip! You’re trendy! I want to be part of your team at Survivor Series to distance myself from these losers.
Angle: I don’t know, Spike. You have the Cruiserweight Title, but you’re never even on TV. That doesn’t look good for you.
Spike: Come ON! I’m dying here!
Angle: Tell you what. I know Team Babyface will be the first ones eliminated, and Eddie’s losing his push because he’s going nuts, but Big Show kinda worries me. Get rid of him and you can be on my team.
Spike: Deal!
D-Von: You know he’s just trying to get rid of you, right? Big Show is still going to be in that match no matter what.
Spike pokes D-Von in the eyes.
D-Von: OWWWW!
Spike: Quiet, you.
Booker T vs. Orlando Jordan
Orlando Jordan is sad because he knows he’s going to lose. Come on, buck up, Orlando. At least you’re losing in the main event. JBL is at ringside for this match, because he doesn’t like the idea of this match not having ANY rich white guys involved in it. Too bad DiBiase is stuffed in a crate backstage with all the other Tough Enough kids. Booker T and Orlando discuss the lack of time-traveling African-American characters in modern cinema, so JBL gets bored and starts playing the harmonica. Wow, what a great match. Where’s Billy Gunn when you need him? Right, right, killed by Heidenreich. And people say that guy has no practical use. Is this match still going on? Orlando Jordan just kind of wanders off, so I guess Booker T wins. Huh. JBL vs. Booker T in a PPV main event. But what role will Faarooq play? What role will Stevie Ray play? Find out next week! Same Bradshaw time, same Bradshaw channel!
Next week: Anglelution is a little less of a mystery. JBL sends Stevie Ray to Victorian England to stop Faarooq’s diabolical plot. The Leprechaun makes his debut jobbing to Jesus the Lamppost, and hilarity ensues.