GARTHIsTheLaw
League Member
This past Sunday at Uno Mercy: JBL turned the tables on Walker: Texas Undertaker by busting out a last-minute Wild Draw 4 and then letting John Heidenreich kill him, Booker T accidentally jobbed to Slim Cena, and Big Show ate Kurt Angle only to find out it was actually a life-size statue of Kurt Angle made out of Chex Mix. Will Big Show find some more Chex Mix…TONIGHT?
Here comes Slim Cena. He’s certainly not wasting any time.
Cena: Yo yo yo yo YO YO YO…
John Heidenreich runs over Cena with a big SUV. Carlito Caribbean Cool steps out of the SUV.
Cena: Ow.
Carlito: Shoot. Hey Heidenreich, you just parked on Cena.
Heidenreich: WHHHHHAAATTT?
Carlito: I said you parked on Cena.
Heidenreich: WHHHHHAAATTT?
Carlito: I said you parked on Cena.
Heidenreich: OOKAAAYYYYY!
Carlito: Hey Cena. ‘Sup?
Cena: Well, I’ve got a big SUV parked on top of me.
Carlito: Yeah, sorry about that. I’m making my SmackDown! debut tonight, but my car broke down so I had Heidenreich here give me a lift.
Cena: Think you could get him to drive off of me?
Carlito: Oh, sure. Hey Heidenreich, how about getting your SUV off Cena?
Heidenreich: OOKAAAYYYYY!
Carlito: Thanks. So Cena, what was up with you beating Booker T in the Triple Cage Match at Uno Mercy? I thought you had to leave to go make a movie.
Cena: Let’s just say I was very well-prepared for the match.
Carlito: How’s that?
Cena: Well, see this chain necklace here? It’s my secret weapon. It’s +10 v. Jobbing.
Carlito: +10? I’m impressed.
Cena: Yeah, nobody’s going over me while I’ve got THIS baby.
Carlito: Really? ‘Cause I was going to ask if I could take your U.S. Title tonight.
Cena: Not a chance. If The Rock can make a movie and hold a title at the same time, so can I.
Carlito: Come on, man. That’s not cool. And if there’s anything I hate, it’s people who aren’t cool.
Cena: How dare you accuse me of being uncool! Alright, you are SO going to put me over tonight.
Carlito: We’ll see about that!
Carlito hits Cena with an apple. Oh no, and while he’s wearing his Chain Necklace –3 v. Produce, no less! Cena is steamed now.
Through the magic of the COMMERCIAL BREAK~, Team Frogger is now in the ring.
Dupree: I’m French!
Hiroko: He’s French!
Suzuki: Ja. Tonight I shall defeat that girly-man, Rey Mysterio. He will be TERMINATED.
Kenzo Suzuki vs. Rey Mysterio
Rey Mysterio knew Rene Dupree was going to be a factor in this match, so he’s lured Rob Van Dam to ringside with a bag of popcorn. Suzuki forgets it isn’t Uno Mercy anymore and he tries to put the smack down on Rey with a couple of Draw Twos, but Rey isn’t having that. Huracanrana to the Draw Two! Rey is on fire! Seriously, he literally is on fire. That’s what happens when you move so fast. Rey is distracted when RVD uses the flames on Rey’s back to light a joint. Dupree asks RVD if he can have a hit to forget about how he hasn’t won a singles match in like six months, but RVD is totally bogarting that thing. Suzuki also wants one last dance with Mary Jane. One more time to kill the pain. But unfortunately, tonight Suzuki will feel only the pain of losing to Rey Mysterio. Which he does. Team Frogger: invincible as a unit, totally useless separate. Just like the Heart guy from “Captain Planet.”
Here’s Stacy Keibler talking about WWE winning some award. It’s good to see her taking time out of her busy schedule of beating Molly Holly 73 consecutive times to help out the children.
Right, enough of that. Here’s JBL with the only person in WWE prettier than Stacy, Josh Mathews.
Mathews: Make this quick, JBL. I know Kurt Angle is around here somewhere.
JBL: What’s with you lately, Clay? Always obsessing over Kurt Angle.
Mathews: I WOULDN’T EXPECT YOU TO UNDERSTAND!
JBL: Yeesh, fine. So did you catch my match last night? Yeah, that’s right, that’s TWICE IN A ROW I’ve beaten Walker: Texas Undertaker. Maybe THIS will finally convince those Internet fans that I’m a credible champion.
Mathews: But, uh, didn’t you only beat the Undertaker because John Heidenreich killed him?
JBL: So what? Heidenreich killed you too, and you seem to be fine.
Mathews: Only because Walker: Texas Undertaker unkilled me. And I was still sore for weeks.
JBL: Are you sure that’s what it was from? (snicker snicker)
Mathews: What’s that supposed to mean?
JBL: Nothing. Nothing at all.
Mathews: Well, Undertaker isn’t here tonight. So instead you get to face Hardcore Holly for the second week in a row.
JBL: Oh, that’ll be a treat. Who books this crap?
Mathews: I don’t know, but I’m scheduled to beat Shannon Moore on Velocity, so you won’t hear me complain.
JBL: Right.
NON-TITLE MATCH OF EXCITEMENT~: John Bradshaw Layfield vs. Hardcore Holly
Welcome back to WWF Superstars, it’s now time for the main event. God, I can practically hear Todd Pettengill and Dok Hendrix calling this match. I’m so glad Dok is now confined to the backstage area and Pettengill is now confined to the darkest recesses of Michael Cole’s soul, which reminds me, “Cole’s Soul” would be a great name for a band. Speaking of bands, I think I feel a song about this match coming on. Two mid-90’s jobbers go ‘round the outside, ‘round the outside, ‘round the outside. Guess who’s back. Back again. Hardcore Holly’s back. Flip to CNN. AHH! Larry King! Flip back, quick! Here comes Orlando Jordan to bring this match back to the present day. JBL and Orlando use their one-man advantage to…um…get JBL counted out. JBL can beat Walker: Texas Undertaker two consecutive times and Eddie Guerrero three consecutive times, but he can’t beat Hardcore Holly? Welcome to Crazyworld.
Many moons ago, Chavo Guerrero died. But in two weeks he will be fully returned to life. Yay! I’d hate to be the person who greets him though.
Chavo: I’m back! Where’s my tag title push?
Greeter: Um…see…the thing about that is…Kenzo Suzuki and Rene Dupree got the belts instead. And then your partner got eaten by Big Show.
Chavo: Oh. Groovy.
GM Theodore Long is about to make his first three hollas of the night. He’s been holla-ing a lot less lately. What’s that all about?
Long: Holla holla holla.
Paul Heyman: What do you want?
Long: Well Paul, as you know, your boy Heidenreich killed Walker: Texas Undertaker on Sunday.
Heyman: So?
Long: So do you know what kind of ratings Undertaker brings in? I can’t explain it myself, but he’s damn sure a way better draw than Heidenreich is.
Heyman: Well no kidding. Tony Chimel is a better draw than Heidenreich.
Long: Point is, you’ve crossed the line.
Heyman: Oh come on. Undertaker died when I was GM too, and that worked out fine.
Long: Well, it did provide SmackDown! with a little more Kane…
Heyman: See? We’re on the same page here.
Long: Well, I suppose I can’t punish you then. I imagine Undertaker will do a pretty good job once he unkills himself.
Heyman: Yeah, everybody wins.
Long: Except you. ‘Cause, y’know, he’ll probably kill you as soon as he gets done with Heidenreich.
Heyman: Well, just between you and me, I’d rather be dead than Heidenreich’s manager.
Long: I buleedat.
RAW Rewind: Triple H beat Chris Jericho, because he’s Triple H and Chris Jericho is Chris Jericho. And then the entire RAW roster falls over. ORTON WINS!
Here’s Kurt Angle backstage with Luther Reigns and Bill Jindrak.
Angle: I can’t believe I lost to Big Show at Uno Mercy.
Reigns: It wasn’t your fault, boss.
Jindrak: How were you supposed to know his last two cards were Skips?
Angle: Well, I appreciate you guys distracting him with that Chex Mix likeness of me. It really saved my butt.
Reigns: I can’t believe I lost to Eddie Guerrero.
Angle: I can believe it.
Jindrak: Yeah, me too. It wasn’t exactly a shocker.
Reigns: That’s easy for you to say. YOU just had to face Scotty 2-Jobby on Heat.
Jindrak: As long as it isn’t Shannon Moore, I ain’t a-complainin’.
Angle: Well, now it’s your turn to face Big Show. So you’d better not screw it up.
Jindrak: Why not? We all know I’m not going to win.
Reigns: He’s got a good point.
Angle: Okay, you’re right. New plan. Jindrak, you go get squashed by Big Show, and then we can all go get hammered.
Jindrak: And then we can pretend to get in a fight, just like I did with Randy Orton and Maven.
Angle: That won’t work, Jindrak. You’re the Orton of this group.
Jindrak: Oh, right.
Kurt and Luther leave.
Jindrak: …Maybe Big Show will just fall over…
Theodore Long is Backstage Without Big Show. It can’t have been a good idea to schedule this segment right before Big Show’s match.
Long: Holla holla holla. I’m here to announce a blockbuster match for next week. It’ll be the WWE champion, JBL, defending against the man who’s been his greatest challenge so far, the one, the only…
Ernest “The Cat” Miller: Somebody call my momma! I’m the new number-one contender!
Long: No! Hardcore Holly! JBL will face Hardcore Holly! Not you!
Miller: Aw, geez…couldn’t you have saved my dignity and said Rob Van Dam or something?
Long: Out of my office! Out!
Miller: Drag.
Shawn Jindrak vs. Big Show
Kurt Angle is the special guest commentator for this match. But he can’t think of anything to say, so he decides to pretend he’s a commentator for “NBA Jam.”
Cole: So Kurt, what are your thoughts on this matchup?
Angle: Reeeee-JECTED!
Cole: As you know, the Big Show defeated you at Uno Mercy, and I have to believe you’ve got something in mind for this match.
Angle: HE’S on FIRE!
Cole: Jindrak was the one who brought out the clippers to shave Big Show’s head, so you’ve got to expect Big Show to have revenge on his mind.
Angle: Is it the SHOES?
Cole: Mkay. This is going nowhere.
Tazz: You’ve got to admit, he’s not nearly as bad as Dawn Marie.
Cole: True that.
Angle: BOOMshakalaka!
Big Show starts thinking about the movie theater arcade where he used to play “NBA Jam” and gets hungry for some Sour Patch Kids. He goes to ask one of the vendors for some Sour Patch Kids, but then he trips and falls over. JINDRAK WINS! But wait, the referee is ruling that Big Show only went down to one knee, so the match continues. Jindrak is sad. Luther Reigns comes down to ask Kurt for the code to play as Bill Clinton, but Eddie Guerrero shows up and beats Luther with a stick. Kurt tries to tell Luther the code, but he accidentally gives him one of the codes to play as a programmer, which isn’t nearly as cool. Jindrak can’t figure out what the hell is going on, and he gets so confused he jobs. Angle, Jindrak, Luther and Eddie all leave to go get smashed and play “NBA Jam,” while Big Show wanders off looking for some Sour Patch Kids.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch…
Mathews: Kurt’s out there RIGHT NOW! Why the hell do I have to stay here and interview you?
Carlito: Clay, I’ve gotta say, while I liked “Invisible,” “The Way” was not nearly as cool. Hell, EVERY musician has a song by that name, and personally, I like Fastball’s version much better.
Mathews: Whatever. Just say what you want to say.
Carlito: Right on. Cena! Earlier tonight I showed you that I know your chain’s weakness against produce. And later tonight I’ll show you that my dad’s lackluster performance in the 1993 Royal Rumble more than qualifies me to take your U.S. Title.
Mathews: But why Cena?
Carlito: Because I spit in the face of anyone who doesn’t want to be cool!
Mathews: Are you going to spit on me?
Carlito: You’d like that, wouldn’t you.
Billy Kidman vs. Charlie Haas
Thanks to his win over Paul London at Uno Mercy, Kidman is now fortified with mad mic skillz. But he forgets to give a promo before the match. Good going, Kidman. This is why your pushes always end in disaster. Speaking of disaster, I sure hope Dawn Marie doesn’t decide to grace us with any more guest commentary. Maybe she could claim to have slept with Kidman too and bring Torrie Wilson into the feud, except Torrie isn’t allowed to acknowledge on TV that she’s married to Kidman. Can you really blame her? Fortunately, Dawn doesn’t show up, so we’re treated to some Hot Cruiserweight (or Near-Cruiserweight, in Haas’s case) Action for about three seconds, after which point Miss Jackie wanders into the ring and Kidman accidentally punches her in the face 28 times. Hey, mistakes happen. The referee knows he’s going to miss his chance to light up with Big Show and RVD backstage if he doesn’t hurry, so he declares the match over and scampers off. Kidman sets up Jackie for the BOTCHED STAR PRESS OF DOOM~, but Rico makes the save. Good call, Rico. If Jackie sees how masterfully Kidman can blow a spot, she might fall in love with him instead of Haas.
Jordan: Alright, Boss. I’ll get to the bottom of this.
Booker: What’s going on?
Jordan: JBL wants me to find out why in the hell he has to defend his title against Hardcore Holly, and moreover why he has to face him three weeks in a row.
Booker: Ugh. You haven’t figured it out yet?
Jordan: What does that mean?
Booker: Look. I know about JBL’s little scheme where he traveled back in time and brought Gangrel and Viscera from 1999 to beat Walker: Texas Undertaker. But then Undertaker killed them and JBL replaced them with shoddy imitations.
Jordan: Shoddy imitations? We’re talking Gangrel and Viscera here. They were pretty shoddy to begin with.
Booker T: Be that as it may, no one’s really going to believe that Typhoon in blackface is really Viscera. It’s time to face facts, Orlando: You’ve made a huge mistake.
Jordan: What? How do you figure that?
Booker: Don’t you see? Hardcore Holly is getting a WWE Title feud for paying his dues! This EXACT SAME THING happened last year – right after the champion defeated Walker: Texas Undertaker!
Jordan: You don’t mean…
Booker: I’m afraid I do. You and JBL have disrupted the space-time continuum.
Jordan: GREAT SCOTT! What can I do?
Booker: It’s very simple. You must undo the wrongs you have done.
Jordan: But HOW?
Booker: Don’t worry, I’ve got a plan. But first we need a vessel to travel back in time. I’ll need to modify the Bradshawmobile.
Jordan: Whatever it takes to end this feud with Hardcore Holly.
Booker: Alright, I’ll get to work right away. But be careful, with this disturbance in the space-time continuum, ANYTHING could happen.
Jordan: Gotcha.
Booker: I’m off. Be on your guard.
Booker T leaves. Then he comes back.
Booker: SUCKAAAAAAAAAA!
Booker T leaves.
Jordan: Okay, no reason to panic. What’s the worst thing that could happen?
Faarooq: Well I’ll be DAMNED!
Jordan: Eep.
Orlando Jordan runs away screaming. And as well he should, because up next we’ve got some entry videos for the new Tough Enough. Woo fun.
John Heidenreich and Paul Heyman are in the ring.
Heyman: Please, John. No more poetry.
Heidenreich: Don’t worry, Paul. After killing Walker: Texas Undertaker, I’ve turned over a new leaf. I’m through with poetry.
Heyman: Thank Christ.
Heidenreich: I’ve taken up writing emo lyrics.
Heyman: CRAP.
Heidenreich: IT JUST TAKES SOME TIME
LITTLE GIRL, YOU’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RIDE
EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING WILL BE JUST FINE
EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING WILL BE ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT…
Heyman: If there is a God in Heaven, please end this.
Incognito Indie Wrestler #1: Hey Heidenreich! You suck!
Incognito Indie Wrestler #2: Yeah, and so does Jimmy Eat World!
Heidenreich: Please! This is the only way I can get out the anguish of my tortured soul!
Incognito Indie Wrestler #3: Yeah well, your writing tortures MY soul!
Heidenreich: Stop it! Don’t make me do something I’ll regret!
Incognito Indie Wrestler #4: Boo! Boo!
Heidenreich: …YEEEAAAHHHH!
Heidenreich kills all the Incognito Indie Wrestlers. Oh snap! Ring of Honor is really going to have to scrape the bottom of the barrel now.
Heidenreich: OOKAAAYYYYY!
UNITED STATES TITLE: Slim Cena vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool
Does anyone else see Carlito’s name and start singing it to the tune of a Billy Ocean song? “Caribbean COOL…now we’re SHAAAAARING the same…um…pool.” Okay, so I didn’t think that one out very far. Carlito is conflicted, because he wants to win this match, but it must be cool to lose to Slim Cena because everyone does it. Even Booker T when he isn’t supposed to. Cena resolves the conflict by throwing Carlito into the ring steps 103 times. Carlito’s powers of coolness are no match for Cena’s Chain Necklace of Thuganomic Wonder (+10 v. Jobbing, -3 v. Produce, +4 v. Cool). But even the Chain Necklace of Thuganomic Wonder is no match for the power of…
(ads)
And we’re back. Has Carlito gotten ANY offense in yet? I know it’s cool to get annihilated by Cena, but he’s trying to be a little too cool here. And if wrestling has taught us anything, it’s that being too cool is not a good thing. Being too SWEET, on the other hand, is acceptable, as any nWo member can tell you. Except for Michael Wallstreet. That guy was never cool. It’s pretty sad when your best gimmick is that of an evil tax accountant, but you kind of wonder how a guy can pull off “evil tax accountant” so well and totally fail as “evil stockbroker.” Hell, if Bradshaw can pull it off why not IRS? Is this match over yet? Has Carlito gotten a move off yet? Answer: No, he hasn’t, but it’s all part of his diabolical plan. Because as Slim Cena gloats about this easy match, Carlito uses the power of his Afro +4 to Dexterity to steal Cena’s Chain Necklace of Thuganomic Fury. He then uses the power of the chain to make Cena job. Carlito wins the U.S. Title! What the hell? But will he win Cena’s role in “The Marine” as well? Find out next week! Same Bradshaw time, same Bradshaw channel!
Next week: Big Show eats what he thinks is a life-size likeness of Funaki made out of Chex Mix, but it then turns out it was actually Funaki, and no one cares. Carlito Caribbean Cool uses Cena’s chain to make all SmackDown! superstars bow before him. Booker T and Orlando Jordan attempt to stop the match between JBL and Hardcore Holly by making Holly go back to his racecar driver gimmick, and hilarity ensues.
Here comes Slim Cena. He’s certainly not wasting any time.
Cena: Yo yo yo yo YO YO YO…
John Heidenreich runs over Cena with a big SUV. Carlito Caribbean Cool steps out of the SUV.
Cena: Ow.
Carlito: Shoot. Hey Heidenreich, you just parked on Cena.
Heidenreich: WHHHHHAAATTT?
Carlito: I said you parked on Cena.
Heidenreich: WHHHHHAAATTT?
Carlito: I said you parked on Cena.
Heidenreich: OOKAAAYYYYY!
Carlito: Hey Cena. ‘Sup?
Cena: Well, I’ve got a big SUV parked on top of me.
Carlito: Yeah, sorry about that. I’m making my SmackDown! debut tonight, but my car broke down so I had Heidenreich here give me a lift.
Cena: Think you could get him to drive off of me?
Carlito: Oh, sure. Hey Heidenreich, how about getting your SUV off Cena?
Heidenreich: OOKAAAYYYYY!
Carlito: Thanks. So Cena, what was up with you beating Booker T in the Triple Cage Match at Uno Mercy? I thought you had to leave to go make a movie.
Cena: Let’s just say I was very well-prepared for the match.
Carlito: How’s that?
Cena: Well, see this chain necklace here? It’s my secret weapon. It’s +10 v. Jobbing.
Carlito: +10? I’m impressed.
Cena: Yeah, nobody’s going over me while I’ve got THIS baby.
Carlito: Really? ‘Cause I was going to ask if I could take your U.S. Title tonight.
Cena: Not a chance. If The Rock can make a movie and hold a title at the same time, so can I.
Carlito: Come on, man. That’s not cool. And if there’s anything I hate, it’s people who aren’t cool.
Cena: How dare you accuse me of being uncool! Alright, you are SO going to put me over tonight.
Carlito: We’ll see about that!
Carlito hits Cena with an apple. Oh no, and while he’s wearing his Chain Necklace –3 v. Produce, no less! Cena is steamed now.
Through the magic of the COMMERCIAL BREAK~, Team Frogger is now in the ring.
Dupree: I’m French!
Hiroko: He’s French!
Suzuki: Ja. Tonight I shall defeat that girly-man, Rey Mysterio. He will be TERMINATED.
Kenzo Suzuki vs. Rey Mysterio
Rey Mysterio knew Rene Dupree was going to be a factor in this match, so he’s lured Rob Van Dam to ringside with a bag of popcorn. Suzuki forgets it isn’t Uno Mercy anymore and he tries to put the smack down on Rey with a couple of Draw Twos, but Rey isn’t having that. Huracanrana to the Draw Two! Rey is on fire! Seriously, he literally is on fire. That’s what happens when you move so fast. Rey is distracted when RVD uses the flames on Rey’s back to light a joint. Dupree asks RVD if he can have a hit to forget about how he hasn’t won a singles match in like six months, but RVD is totally bogarting that thing. Suzuki also wants one last dance with Mary Jane. One more time to kill the pain. But unfortunately, tonight Suzuki will feel only the pain of losing to Rey Mysterio. Which he does. Team Frogger: invincible as a unit, totally useless separate. Just like the Heart guy from “Captain Planet.”
Here’s Stacy Keibler talking about WWE winning some award. It’s good to see her taking time out of her busy schedule of beating Molly Holly 73 consecutive times to help out the children.
Right, enough of that. Here’s JBL with the only person in WWE prettier than Stacy, Josh Mathews.
Mathews: Make this quick, JBL. I know Kurt Angle is around here somewhere.
JBL: What’s with you lately, Clay? Always obsessing over Kurt Angle.
Mathews: I WOULDN’T EXPECT YOU TO UNDERSTAND!
JBL: Yeesh, fine. So did you catch my match last night? Yeah, that’s right, that’s TWICE IN A ROW I’ve beaten Walker: Texas Undertaker. Maybe THIS will finally convince those Internet fans that I’m a credible champion.
Mathews: But, uh, didn’t you only beat the Undertaker because John Heidenreich killed him?
JBL: So what? Heidenreich killed you too, and you seem to be fine.
Mathews: Only because Walker: Texas Undertaker unkilled me. And I was still sore for weeks.
JBL: Are you sure that’s what it was from? (snicker snicker)
Mathews: What’s that supposed to mean?
JBL: Nothing. Nothing at all.
Mathews: Well, Undertaker isn’t here tonight. So instead you get to face Hardcore Holly for the second week in a row.
JBL: Oh, that’ll be a treat. Who books this crap?
Mathews: I don’t know, but I’m scheduled to beat Shannon Moore on Velocity, so you won’t hear me complain.
JBL: Right.
NON-TITLE MATCH OF EXCITEMENT~: John Bradshaw Layfield vs. Hardcore Holly
Welcome back to WWF Superstars, it’s now time for the main event. God, I can practically hear Todd Pettengill and Dok Hendrix calling this match. I’m so glad Dok is now confined to the backstage area and Pettengill is now confined to the darkest recesses of Michael Cole’s soul, which reminds me, “Cole’s Soul” would be a great name for a band. Speaking of bands, I think I feel a song about this match coming on. Two mid-90’s jobbers go ‘round the outside, ‘round the outside, ‘round the outside. Guess who’s back. Back again. Hardcore Holly’s back. Flip to CNN. AHH! Larry King! Flip back, quick! Here comes Orlando Jordan to bring this match back to the present day. JBL and Orlando use their one-man advantage to…um…get JBL counted out. JBL can beat Walker: Texas Undertaker two consecutive times and Eddie Guerrero three consecutive times, but he can’t beat Hardcore Holly? Welcome to Crazyworld.
Many moons ago, Chavo Guerrero died. But in two weeks he will be fully returned to life. Yay! I’d hate to be the person who greets him though.
Chavo: I’m back! Where’s my tag title push?
Greeter: Um…see…the thing about that is…Kenzo Suzuki and Rene Dupree got the belts instead. And then your partner got eaten by Big Show.
Chavo: Oh. Groovy.
GM Theodore Long is about to make his first three hollas of the night. He’s been holla-ing a lot less lately. What’s that all about?
Long: Holla holla holla.
Paul Heyman: What do you want?
Long: Well Paul, as you know, your boy Heidenreich killed Walker: Texas Undertaker on Sunday.
Heyman: So?
Long: So do you know what kind of ratings Undertaker brings in? I can’t explain it myself, but he’s damn sure a way better draw than Heidenreich is.
Heyman: Well no kidding. Tony Chimel is a better draw than Heidenreich.
Long: Point is, you’ve crossed the line.
Heyman: Oh come on. Undertaker died when I was GM too, and that worked out fine.
Long: Well, it did provide SmackDown! with a little more Kane…
Heyman: See? We’re on the same page here.
Long: Well, I suppose I can’t punish you then. I imagine Undertaker will do a pretty good job once he unkills himself.
Heyman: Yeah, everybody wins.
Long: Except you. ‘Cause, y’know, he’ll probably kill you as soon as he gets done with Heidenreich.
Heyman: Well, just between you and me, I’d rather be dead than Heidenreich’s manager.
Long: I buleedat.
RAW Rewind: Triple H beat Chris Jericho, because he’s Triple H and Chris Jericho is Chris Jericho. And then the entire RAW roster falls over. ORTON WINS!
Here’s Kurt Angle backstage with Luther Reigns and Bill Jindrak.
Angle: I can’t believe I lost to Big Show at Uno Mercy.
Reigns: It wasn’t your fault, boss.
Jindrak: How were you supposed to know his last two cards were Skips?
Angle: Well, I appreciate you guys distracting him with that Chex Mix likeness of me. It really saved my butt.
Reigns: I can’t believe I lost to Eddie Guerrero.
Angle: I can believe it.
Jindrak: Yeah, me too. It wasn’t exactly a shocker.
Reigns: That’s easy for you to say. YOU just had to face Scotty 2-Jobby on Heat.
Jindrak: As long as it isn’t Shannon Moore, I ain’t a-complainin’.
Angle: Well, now it’s your turn to face Big Show. So you’d better not screw it up.
Jindrak: Why not? We all know I’m not going to win.
Reigns: He’s got a good point.
Angle: Okay, you’re right. New plan. Jindrak, you go get squashed by Big Show, and then we can all go get hammered.
Jindrak: And then we can pretend to get in a fight, just like I did with Randy Orton and Maven.
Angle: That won’t work, Jindrak. You’re the Orton of this group.
Jindrak: Oh, right.
Kurt and Luther leave.
Jindrak: …Maybe Big Show will just fall over…
Theodore Long is Backstage Without Big Show. It can’t have been a good idea to schedule this segment right before Big Show’s match.
Long: Holla holla holla. I’m here to announce a blockbuster match for next week. It’ll be the WWE champion, JBL, defending against the man who’s been his greatest challenge so far, the one, the only…
Ernest “The Cat” Miller: Somebody call my momma! I’m the new number-one contender!
Long: No! Hardcore Holly! JBL will face Hardcore Holly! Not you!
Miller: Aw, geez…couldn’t you have saved my dignity and said Rob Van Dam or something?
Long: Out of my office! Out!
Miller: Drag.
Shawn Jindrak vs. Big Show
Kurt Angle is the special guest commentator for this match. But he can’t think of anything to say, so he decides to pretend he’s a commentator for “NBA Jam.”
Cole: So Kurt, what are your thoughts on this matchup?
Angle: Reeeee-JECTED!
Cole: As you know, the Big Show defeated you at Uno Mercy, and I have to believe you’ve got something in mind for this match.
Angle: HE’S on FIRE!
Cole: Jindrak was the one who brought out the clippers to shave Big Show’s head, so you’ve got to expect Big Show to have revenge on his mind.
Angle: Is it the SHOES?
Cole: Mkay. This is going nowhere.
Tazz: You’ve got to admit, he’s not nearly as bad as Dawn Marie.
Cole: True that.
Angle: BOOMshakalaka!
Big Show starts thinking about the movie theater arcade where he used to play “NBA Jam” and gets hungry for some Sour Patch Kids. He goes to ask one of the vendors for some Sour Patch Kids, but then he trips and falls over. JINDRAK WINS! But wait, the referee is ruling that Big Show only went down to one knee, so the match continues. Jindrak is sad. Luther Reigns comes down to ask Kurt for the code to play as Bill Clinton, but Eddie Guerrero shows up and beats Luther with a stick. Kurt tries to tell Luther the code, but he accidentally gives him one of the codes to play as a programmer, which isn’t nearly as cool. Jindrak can’t figure out what the hell is going on, and he gets so confused he jobs. Angle, Jindrak, Luther and Eddie all leave to go get smashed and play “NBA Jam,” while Big Show wanders off looking for some Sour Patch Kids.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch…
Mathews: Kurt’s out there RIGHT NOW! Why the hell do I have to stay here and interview you?
Carlito: Clay, I’ve gotta say, while I liked “Invisible,” “The Way” was not nearly as cool. Hell, EVERY musician has a song by that name, and personally, I like Fastball’s version much better.
Mathews: Whatever. Just say what you want to say.
Carlito: Right on. Cena! Earlier tonight I showed you that I know your chain’s weakness against produce. And later tonight I’ll show you that my dad’s lackluster performance in the 1993 Royal Rumble more than qualifies me to take your U.S. Title.
Mathews: But why Cena?
Carlito: Because I spit in the face of anyone who doesn’t want to be cool!
Mathews: Are you going to spit on me?
Carlito: You’d like that, wouldn’t you.
Billy Kidman vs. Charlie Haas
Thanks to his win over Paul London at Uno Mercy, Kidman is now fortified with mad mic skillz. But he forgets to give a promo before the match. Good going, Kidman. This is why your pushes always end in disaster. Speaking of disaster, I sure hope Dawn Marie doesn’t decide to grace us with any more guest commentary. Maybe she could claim to have slept with Kidman too and bring Torrie Wilson into the feud, except Torrie isn’t allowed to acknowledge on TV that she’s married to Kidman. Can you really blame her? Fortunately, Dawn doesn’t show up, so we’re treated to some Hot Cruiserweight (or Near-Cruiserweight, in Haas’s case) Action for about three seconds, after which point Miss Jackie wanders into the ring and Kidman accidentally punches her in the face 28 times. Hey, mistakes happen. The referee knows he’s going to miss his chance to light up with Big Show and RVD backstage if he doesn’t hurry, so he declares the match over and scampers off. Kidman sets up Jackie for the BOTCHED STAR PRESS OF DOOM~, but Rico makes the save. Good call, Rico. If Jackie sees how masterfully Kidman can blow a spot, she might fall in love with him instead of Haas.
Jordan: Alright, Boss. I’ll get to the bottom of this.
Booker: What’s going on?
Jordan: JBL wants me to find out why in the hell he has to defend his title against Hardcore Holly, and moreover why he has to face him three weeks in a row.
Booker: Ugh. You haven’t figured it out yet?
Jordan: What does that mean?
Booker: Look. I know about JBL’s little scheme where he traveled back in time and brought Gangrel and Viscera from 1999 to beat Walker: Texas Undertaker. But then Undertaker killed them and JBL replaced them with shoddy imitations.
Jordan: Shoddy imitations? We’re talking Gangrel and Viscera here. They were pretty shoddy to begin with.
Booker T: Be that as it may, no one’s really going to believe that Typhoon in blackface is really Viscera. It’s time to face facts, Orlando: You’ve made a huge mistake.
Jordan: What? How do you figure that?
Booker: Don’t you see? Hardcore Holly is getting a WWE Title feud for paying his dues! This EXACT SAME THING happened last year – right after the champion defeated Walker: Texas Undertaker!
Jordan: You don’t mean…
Booker: I’m afraid I do. You and JBL have disrupted the space-time continuum.
Jordan: GREAT SCOTT! What can I do?
Booker: It’s very simple. You must undo the wrongs you have done.
Jordan: But HOW?
Booker: Don’t worry, I’ve got a plan. But first we need a vessel to travel back in time. I’ll need to modify the Bradshawmobile.
Jordan: Whatever it takes to end this feud with Hardcore Holly.
Booker: Alright, I’ll get to work right away. But be careful, with this disturbance in the space-time continuum, ANYTHING could happen.
Jordan: Gotcha.
Booker: I’m off. Be on your guard.
Booker T leaves. Then he comes back.
Booker: SUCKAAAAAAAAAA!
Booker T leaves.
Jordan: Okay, no reason to panic. What’s the worst thing that could happen?
Faarooq: Well I’ll be DAMNED!
Jordan: Eep.
Orlando Jordan runs away screaming. And as well he should, because up next we’ve got some entry videos for the new Tough Enough. Woo fun.
John Heidenreich and Paul Heyman are in the ring.
Heyman: Please, John. No more poetry.
Heidenreich: Don’t worry, Paul. After killing Walker: Texas Undertaker, I’ve turned over a new leaf. I’m through with poetry.
Heyman: Thank Christ.
Heidenreich: I’ve taken up writing emo lyrics.
Heyman: CRAP.
Heidenreich: IT JUST TAKES SOME TIME
LITTLE GIRL, YOU’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RIDE
EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING WILL BE JUST FINE
EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING WILL BE ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT…
Heyman: If there is a God in Heaven, please end this.
Incognito Indie Wrestler #1: Hey Heidenreich! You suck!
Incognito Indie Wrestler #2: Yeah, and so does Jimmy Eat World!
Heidenreich: Please! This is the only way I can get out the anguish of my tortured soul!
Incognito Indie Wrestler #3: Yeah well, your writing tortures MY soul!
Heidenreich: Stop it! Don’t make me do something I’ll regret!
Incognito Indie Wrestler #4: Boo! Boo!
Heidenreich: …YEEEAAAHHHH!
Heidenreich kills all the Incognito Indie Wrestlers. Oh snap! Ring of Honor is really going to have to scrape the bottom of the barrel now.
Heidenreich: OOKAAAYYYYY!
UNITED STATES TITLE: Slim Cena vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool
Does anyone else see Carlito’s name and start singing it to the tune of a Billy Ocean song? “Caribbean COOL…now we’re SHAAAAARING the same…um…pool.” Okay, so I didn’t think that one out very far. Carlito is conflicted, because he wants to win this match, but it must be cool to lose to Slim Cena because everyone does it. Even Booker T when he isn’t supposed to. Cena resolves the conflict by throwing Carlito into the ring steps 103 times. Carlito’s powers of coolness are no match for Cena’s Chain Necklace of Thuganomic Wonder (+10 v. Jobbing, -3 v. Produce, +4 v. Cool). But even the Chain Necklace of Thuganomic Wonder is no match for the power of…
(ads)
And we’re back. Has Carlito gotten ANY offense in yet? I know it’s cool to get annihilated by Cena, but he’s trying to be a little too cool here. And if wrestling has taught us anything, it’s that being too cool is not a good thing. Being too SWEET, on the other hand, is acceptable, as any nWo member can tell you. Except for Michael Wallstreet. That guy was never cool. It’s pretty sad when your best gimmick is that of an evil tax accountant, but you kind of wonder how a guy can pull off “evil tax accountant” so well and totally fail as “evil stockbroker.” Hell, if Bradshaw can pull it off why not IRS? Is this match over yet? Has Carlito gotten a move off yet? Answer: No, he hasn’t, but it’s all part of his diabolical plan. Because as Slim Cena gloats about this easy match, Carlito uses the power of his Afro +4 to Dexterity to steal Cena’s Chain Necklace of Thuganomic Fury. He then uses the power of the chain to make Cena job. Carlito wins the U.S. Title! What the hell? But will he win Cena’s role in “The Marine” as well? Find out next week! Same Bradshaw time, same Bradshaw channel!
Next week: Big Show eats what he thinks is a life-size likeness of Funaki made out of Chex Mix, but it then turns out it was actually Funaki, and no one cares. Carlito Caribbean Cool uses Cena’s chain to make all SmackDown! superstars bow before him. Booker T and Orlando Jordan attempt to stop the match between JBL and Hardcore Holly by making Holly go back to his racecar driver gimmick, and hilarity ensues.