GARTHIsTheLaw
League Member
At the continual pleading of...well, no one, I bring to you my SmackDown! satire. It's just like the RAW satire on Online Onslaught, only not as funny. Enjoy!
Last Sunday: Kurt Angle finally regained his watch in an emotional moment, Team Velocity lost a hard-fought match against the Dudleys, and the Undertaker killed JBL. Also, someone fell over and ORTON WON, but that’s a universe we choose to ignore. Will JBL defend the title from beyond the grave…TONIGHT?
Hey, JBL is out to kick off SmackDown! It looks like Undertaker didn’t kill him after all. He’s got Virgil 2004 and…some big metal apparatus in tow.
JBL: I suppose you’re all wondering why I’m still alive after Undertaker killed me at SummerSlam. Well see, as it turns out, Undertaker is already in a lot of hot water for killing Paul Bearer. So when he killed me, Vince made him use his DARK POWERS~ to bring me back to life so I can continue my enormously successful reign as champion.
Jordan: (Snickers)
JBL: Quiet, you. Anyway, I’m out here tonight to tell you that Undertaker will never, ever get another WWE Title shot. I say this with complete confidence that GM Theodore Long, who is a face, will see things the way I, a heel, present them.
Jordan: Careful, John. Ric Flair is going to come take your old lady for a ride on Space Mountain if you keep exposing the business like that.
JBL: Good point. Time for something completely different. Did you know my initials can be reversed to spell the initials of a former president of the United States?
Jordan: My initials are OJ. Is that cool too?
JBL: No.
Jordan: (Cries)
The tears of Orlando Jordan, as the prophecy goes, bring out the Undertaker. Apparently his DARK POWERS~ were weakened by resurrecting JBL a few days ago, so he can’t make the lights go out for his entrance.
Undertaker: Boy, why the hell are you wearing that big metal back brace thing? I healed your injuries.
JBL: My orthodontist says I have to wear it.
Undertaker: Aren’t you a little old for braces?
JBL: I’m getting a few things straightened out.
Undertaker: Oh for the love of…did you just quote Secret Window? Next you’ll tell me you’ve got a body buried under the cornfield in your backyard.
JBL’s brain: Oh no! He knows the truth about Faarooq! RUN AWAY!
JBL flees. Undertaker is left alone with Orlando Jordan.
Jordan: So, are you going to be at your brother’s wedding on Monday?
Undertaker: Yeah, I’ll be the best man.
Jordan: You’d think after all the differences you two have had, y’know, the constant killings and beatings and settings on fire, you wouldn’t be the best candidate.
Undertaker: Well, he doesn’t really have any friends to ask. So when he asked me, I just couldn’t say no. I guess I realized my life needs a little more Kane.
Jordan: That’s very touching.
Undertaker: Mm-hmm. To tell you the truth, I’m more anxious for the bachelor party. He’s going to set Sable on fire, and then I’m going to bury her in cement.
Jordan: That’s great, but I think I have to go now.
Undertaker: Oh, wait until you hear what I got the new couple as a wedding gift.
Jordan: No, I really think I should be fleeing with JBL right about now.
Undertaker: See, with Lita being the clumsy ho she is, and with Kane always doing wacky things like blowing stuff up and setting stuff on fire, I figured they’re going to be doing a lot of cleaning. So I decided to get them a big tub of Oxi Clean. You can get your whites whiter, and-
Jordan: (Flees)
Undertaker: Well, how do you like that. I hadn’t even gotten to the toast I was planning.
Commercials. When we come back, we see last week’s altercation between Scotty 2-Jobby and the Dudleys.
Scotty: I’m the WWE’s premier skinny guy who gets his ass kicked all the time!
Spike: Oh no you DI-N’T! (cat fight ensues)
That smoothly transitions us into our next match.
CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE: Spike Dudley vs. Scotty 2-Jobby
Spike and Scotty both just sort of stand around confused, because neither knows how to be the guy actually winning the match. They ask Bubba Ray and D-Von to come in and beat them up for awhile, but that’s against the rules of the match, so they both stand there nervously, not sure what to do. Finally, the referee has had enough of this foolishness, and he declares Spike the winner because Scotty’s hair doesn’t burst through his hat anymore and he thought that looked cool. Spike is the best Cruiserweight Champion since Josh Mathews.
RAW Rebound: PEDIGREE TO ORTON!
Hey, apparently John Heidenreich will be making his first appearance on SmackDown! next week. He’s sure glad to be gone from RAW where all he did was job to Rico, and -– what? Rico’s on SmackDown! now? Well shoot.
Josh Mathews is backstage with Slim Cena.
Mathews: So, John, I understand you have something to show us.
Cena: Yeah, I do. Check it out, it’s my brand new “Word Life” shirt, available now at WWE.com. It’s only 900 silver pieces and is +1 to Catch Phrases.
Mathews: Can I have that one? I need a catch phrase.
Cena: You already have a catch phrase.
Mathews: I do?
Cena: Yeah, and it’s similar to mine. I’ve got “you can’t see me,” whereas you’ve got “IF I WAS INVISIBLE…”
Mathews: I’m not Clay Aiken!
Spike: Hey look, it’s Clay Aiken and Vanilla Ice.
(Josh Mathews runs off crying)
Cena: What do you want, little man?
Spike: I want that shirt. I need a new catch phrase.
Cena: Well Spike, you can’t have it, because YOU CAN’T SEE ME!
Spike: And you can’t see my brothers sneaking up behind you with a big stick.
Cena: Huh?
Bubba Ray and D-Von beat Cena with a Big Stick +1 v. White Rappers. Oh no they DI-N’T!
NON-TITLE MATCH OF EXCITEMENT~!: Team Velocity vs. Chavo Guerrero & Jamie Noble
So let me get this straight. The cruiserweight division is full of tag team wrestlers, and the tag team division is full of cruiserweights. It’s pandemonium in the ring! Or pandamonium. SmackDown! clearly needs more pandas. And I don’t mean Panda Mask, or Panda Kahn, or even Sexual Harassment Panda. I mean real pandas. I think a few well-placed pandas could really spice up some of the areas in which SmackDown! is lacking. I’m sure they’d be much more interesting than this ho-hum, run-of-the-mill tag match starring four of SmackDown!’s least entertaining. Where are the Bashams? Where’s Billy Gunn? Where, for the love of God, is Mordecai? Paul London leaves this match to go pout that he’s the only one in it that’s never been Cruiserweight Champion and Jamie Noble leaves to go look for his cut-off jeans. That leaves Chavo and Kidman, and Kidman’s BOTCHED STAR PRESS OF DOOM~ isn’t enough to save him, so Chavo wins. Boo! Bring on the pandas!
Backstage, Theodore Long says that he’s thirsty, and also that all backstage altercations must result in matches. Wow, that policy would be so easy to take advantage of.
Jackie: Hey! You just spilled Sunkist orange cola on me!
Garth: That’s right, and I’ll do it again just to watch you squirm!
Jackie: (Slap!)
Long: Hey now, what’s all this haterizing? You two can settle your differences in the ring, tonight!
Garth: Well why don’t we make it a “winner gets to sleep with the loser” match?
Long: Done and done.
Jackie: Wait! But…but…
Million Dollar Tough Enough is coming to SmackDown! Does that mean Ted DiBiase is going to be one of the trainers?
A somber Eddie Guerrero is out to address Kurt Angle.
Eddie: Alright, Kurt, it’s time I come clean. You got your watch back fair and square. I just wanted to admit that it was me who took it all along, and not Nathan Jones.
Angle: You can’t confess that to me. I’ve known that for like six months.
Eddie: Better late than never, ese.
Angle: Well, the important thing is that I’ve got my watch back. Now I’ll be unstoppable.
Eddie: Come on, Kurt, think about this. You can’t just up and kill the only ongoing joke this satire has had since the beginning, especially since Team Punch-Out!! got broken up.
Angle: Yeah…it does kind of bring back memories…remember when I convinced your Lowrider to turn on you?
Eddie: Remember when I shot Slim Cena with a blowdart so he wouldn’t tell you the truth?
Angle: Remember when you made Chavo job in the blink of an eye?
Eddie: Remember when we got real hammered and I stranded you on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean?
Angle: Uh…no.
Eddie: Wait, that was Sean O’Haire.
Angle: Did you ever remember to go get him OFF the island?
Eddie: Ummmm…
Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean…
O’Haire: Wilson! Wilson! I HAVE MADE FIRE!
Wilson: …
O’Haire: What? You don’t talk to me that way! I’ll kill you!
(Pummeling ensues)
O’Haire: Now just remember, you go to the police, and I’ll deny everything.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch…
Eddie: Well anyway, I’d like to shake your hand for being such a good rival.
Angle: Okey-dokey.
Angle and Eddie shake hands. Eddie then hugs Angle, and uses the opportunity to pick Angle’s pocket and steal the watch back. Luther Reigns shows up to ask Angle if he has any gum, and then Rey Mysterio comes out and kicks everyone in the face. Wheee!
Slim Cena vs. D-Von Dudley
Booker T is here to do commentary for this match. He’s upset that he lost to Slim Cena in the first match of their series, a Tuxedo Match. Booker and D-Von also have a kindred bond, because their rap songs on “WWE Originals” totally sucked and Slim Cena’s was actually kind of good. Bubba Ray Dudley is at ringside to cheer on D-Von, but Slim Cena is wearing his Baggy Shorts +2 v. ECW Guys, so he still wins. Then he taunts Booker T.
Cena: Word Life, you can’t see me and some similar things along those lines.
Booker: Can you dig it, sucka?
Cena: Basic thuganomics, yo yo yo yo yo.
Booker: FIVE TIME, FIVE TIME, FIVE TIME…
Cena: Damn. You’re good.
Rene Dupree vs. Rob Van Dam
Rob proposes that he and Rene settle their differences with a game of Clue. Rene tries to be civil, but RVD can’t stop laughing about the fact that Dupree’s first name is “Rene.” Finally, Rene guesses that it was Professor Plum in the Study with the Wrench, and RVD decides he’s hungry for some plums. Rene leaves because he’s sick of RVD’s tomfoolery. Then Kenzo Suzuki shows up and beats up Rob for eating all his Funyuns.
Theodore Long is backstage with Some Dumb Skank.
Long: I want you to play this tape when I tell you to play it, buleedat.
SDS: ‘Kay.
Long: And then I want you to say “holla holla holla.”
SDS: That’s stupid. Why?
Long: Because I’m the GM, and my will must be done.
SDS: Alright then. Holla holla holla.
Long: Again.
SDS: Holla holla holla.
Long: Again, and this time with FEELING!
Steiner: HOLLA! IF YA HEAR ME!
Long: Scott Steiner? What the hell are you doing here?
Steiner: RAW doesn’t want me anymore.
Long: Why not?
Steiner: I don’t know, but I assure you it has absolutely NOTHING to do with the fact that I can’t take two steps without getting injured.
Long: Hmmm…I’m tempted, but I just re-hired one big, goofy, lumbering guy, and I don’t think I have room for another just yet.
Steiner: Just…just tell me it isn’t Kevin Nash.
Long: Nope. It’s Kurrgan.
(Steiner faints)
Long: That was too easy.
Kane invites you to his and Lita’s wedding on Monday, featuring the Undertaker as the best man and Jeff Hardy as the maid of honor.
Theodore Long is in the ring now, because he hasn’t been doing enough holla-in’ tonight. He’s here to announce the return of one of the most dominant superstars in WWE history. Please be Ernest “The Cat” Miller, please be Ernest “The Cat” Miller, please be Ernest “The Cat” Miller…please---What? The BIG SHOW? Awwww! Well, let’s hope he at least eats Hardcore Holly, I don’t want this to be a TOTAL waste. Theodore Long then interrupts my overly-optimistic hopes of an Ernest “The Cat” Miller return to announce that tonight’s main event is starting RIGHT NOW! Yay!
Kurt Angle & Luther Reigns vs. Eddie Guerrero & Rey Mysterio
Kurt dives right for his watch, but Eddie ain’t havin’ that. Man, all WWE needs to do is replace Luther Reigns with Brock Lesnar and this match would be Kurt and his three most recent SummerSlam opponents all in one match. That would certainly be pandamonium in the ring, and you know this match would be better if some pandas were involved. Maybe Luther Reigns is actually a panda in disguise. I could see Kurt having a panda bodyguard. He would be just like Heihachi Mishima, only without the tendency to throw his son into a volcano. I suppose Eddie Guerrero could be Eddy Gordo, but where does that leave Rey? Finally, Kurt snatches his watch and runs away, but it’s not the real watch, just a decoy planted by Eddie. That leaves Panda Reigns in the ring all by himself, and he does all right until Rey goes on a 619 spree. 619 to Luther! 619 to Michael Cole! 619 to Tony Chimel! 619 to the Lowrider! Then Rey gets bored and 619s himself. Eddie is the last man standing, so he’s declared the winner. Viva la raza! Angle then gets his revenge on Eddie for fooling him with a fake watch by putting a Garfield hood ornament onto Eddie’s windshield. Your car is never as cool when it has a Garfield hood ornament.
Next week: Slim Cena and Booker T meet in the second match of their series, a Kennel From Hell match. Ernest “The Cat” Miller tries to pose as Orlando Jordan, but JBL sees right through it. Luther Reigns unleashes his vicious panda troops on an unwitting Funaki, and hilarity ensues.
Last Sunday: Kurt Angle finally regained his watch in an emotional moment, Team Velocity lost a hard-fought match against the Dudleys, and the Undertaker killed JBL. Also, someone fell over and ORTON WON, but that’s a universe we choose to ignore. Will JBL defend the title from beyond the grave…TONIGHT?
Hey, JBL is out to kick off SmackDown! It looks like Undertaker didn’t kill him after all. He’s got Virgil 2004 and…some big metal apparatus in tow.
JBL: I suppose you’re all wondering why I’m still alive after Undertaker killed me at SummerSlam. Well see, as it turns out, Undertaker is already in a lot of hot water for killing Paul Bearer. So when he killed me, Vince made him use his DARK POWERS~ to bring me back to life so I can continue my enormously successful reign as champion.
Jordan: (Snickers)
JBL: Quiet, you. Anyway, I’m out here tonight to tell you that Undertaker will never, ever get another WWE Title shot. I say this with complete confidence that GM Theodore Long, who is a face, will see things the way I, a heel, present them.
Jordan: Careful, John. Ric Flair is going to come take your old lady for a ride on Space Mountain if you keep exposing the business like that.
JBL: Good point. Time for something completely different. Did you know my initials can be reversed to spell the initials of a former president of the United States?
Jordan: My initials are OJ. Is that cool too?
JBL: No.
Jordan: (Cries)
The tears of Orlando Jordan, as the prophecy goes, bring out the Undertaker. Apparently his DARK POWERS~ were weakened by resurrecting JBL a few days ago, so he can’t make the lights go out for his entrance.
Undertaker: Boy, why the hell are you wearing that big metal back brace thing? I healed your injuries.
JBL: My orthodontist says I have to wear it.
Undertaker: Aren’t you a little old for braces?
JBL: I’m getting a few things straightened out.
Undertaker: Oh for the love of…did you just quote Secret Window? Next you’ll tell me you’ve got a body buried under the cornfield in your backyard.
JBL’s brain: Oh no! He knows the truth about Faarooq! RUN AWAY!
JBL flees. Undertaker is left alone with Orlando Jordan.
Jordan: So, are you going to be at your brother’s wedding on Monday?
Undertaker: Yeah, I’ll be the best man.
Jordan: You’d think after all the differences you two have had, y’know, the constant killings and beatings and settings on fire, you wouldn’t be the best candidate.
Undertaker: Well, he doesn’t really have any friends to ask. So when he asked me, I just couldn’t say no. I guess I realized my life needs a little more Kane.
Jordan: That’s very touching.
Undertaker: Mm-hmm. To tell you the truth, I’m more anxious for the bachelor party. He’s going to set Sable on fire, and then I’m going to bury her in cement.
Jordan: That’s great, but I think I have to go now.
Undertaker: Oh, wait until you hear what I got the new couple as a wedding gift.
Jordan: No, I really think I should be fleeing with JBL right about now.
Undertaker: See, with Lita being the clumsy ho she is, and with Kane always doing wacky things like blowing stuff up and setting stuff on fire, I figured they’re going to be doing a lot of cleaning. So I decided to get them a big tub of Oxi Clean. You can get your whites whiter, and-
Jordan: (Flees)
Undertaker: Well, how do you like that. I hadn’t even gotten to the toast I was planning.
Commercials. When we come back, we see last week’s altercation between Scotty 2-Jobby and the Dudleys.
Scotty: I’m the WWE’s premier skinny guy who gets his ass kicked all the time!
Spike: Oh no you DI-N’T! (cat fight ensues)
That smoothly transitions us into our next match.
CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE: Spike Dudley vs. Scotty 2-Jobby
Spike and Scotty both just sort of stand around confused, because neither knows how to be the guy actually winning the match. They ask Bubba Ray and D-Von to come in and beat them up for awhile, but that’s against the rules of the match, so they both stand there nervously, not sure what to do. Finally, the referee has had enough of this foolishness, and he declares Spike the winner because Scotty’s hair doesn’t burst through his hat anymore and he thought that looked cool. Spike is the best Cruiserweight Champion since Josh Mathews.
RAW Rebound: PEDIGREE TO ORTON!
Hey, apparently John Heidenreich will be making his first appearance on SmackDown! next week. He’s sure glad to be gone from RAW where all he did was job to Rico, and -– what? Rico’s on SmackDown! now? Well shoot.
Josh Mathews is backstage with Slim Cena.
Mathews: So, John, I understand you have something to show us.
Cena: Yeah, I do. Check it out, it’s my brand new “Word Life” shirt, available now at WWE.com. It’s only 900 silver pieces and is +1 to Catch Phrases.
Mathews: Can I have that one? I need a catch phrase.
Cena: You already have a catch phrase.
Mathews: I do?
Cena: Yeah, and it’s similar to mine. I’ve got “you can’t see me,” whereas you’ve got “IF I WAS INVISIBLE…”
Mathews: I’m not Clay Aiken!
Spike: Hey look, it’s Clay Aiken and Vanilla Ice.
(Josh Mathews runs off crying)
Cena: What do you want, little man?
Spike: I want that shirt. I need a new catch phrase.
Cena: Well Spike, you can’t have it, because YOU CAN’T SEE ME!
Spike: And you can’t see my brothers sneaking up behind you with a big stick.
Cena: Huh?
Bubba Ray and D-Von beat Cena with a Big Stick +1 v. White Rappers. Oh no they DI-N’T!
NON-TITLE MATCH OF EXCITEMENT~!: Team Velocity vs. Chavo Guerrero & Jamie Noble
So let me get this straight. The cruiserweight division is full of tag team wrestlers, and the tag team division is full of cruiserweights. It’s pandemonium in the ring! Or pandamonium. SmackDown! clearly needs more pandas. And I don’t mean Panda Mask, or Panda Kahn, or even Sexual Harassment Panda. I mean real pandas. I think a few well-placed pandas could really spice up some of the areas in which SmackDown! is lacking. I’m sure they’d be much more interesting than this ho-hum, run-of-the-mill tag match starring four of SmackDown!’s least entertaining. Where are the Bashams? Where’s Billy Gunn? Where, for the love of God, is Mordecai? Paul London leaves this match to go pout that he’s the only one in it that’s never been Cruiserweight Champion and Jamie Noble leaves to go look for his cut-off jeans. That leaves Chavo and Kidman, and Kidman’s BOTCHED STAR PRESS OF DOOM~ isn’t enough to save him, so Chavo wins. Boo! Bring on the pandas!
Backstage, Theodore Long says that he’s thirsty, and also that all backstage altercations must result in matches. Wow, that policy would be so easy to take advantage of.
Jackie: Hey! You just spilled Sunkist orange cola on me!
Garth: That’s right, and I’ll do it again just to watch you squirm!
Jackie: (Slap!)
Long: Hey now, what’s all this haterizing? You two can settle your differences in the ring, tonight!
Garth: Well why don’t we make it a “winner gets to sleep with the loser” match?
Long: Done and done.
Jackie: Wait! But…but…
Million Dollar Tough Enough is coming to SmackDown! Does that mean Ted DiBiase is going to be one of the trainers?
A somber Eddie Guerrero is out to address Kurt Angle.
Eddie: Alright, Kurt, it’s time I come clean. You got your watch back fair and square. I just wanted to admit that it was me who took it all along, and not Nathan Jones.
Angle: You can’t confess that to me. I’ve known that for like six months.
Eddie: Better late than never, ese.
Angle: Well, the important thing is that I’ve got my watch back. Now I’ll be unstoppable.
Eddie: Come on, Kurt, think about this. You can’t just up and kill the only ongoing joke this satire has had since the beginning, especially since Team Punch-Out!! got broken up.
Angle: Yeah…it does kind of bring back memories…remember when I convinced your Lowrider to turn on you?
Eddie: Remember when I shot Slim Cena with a blowdart so he wouldn’t tell you the truth?
Angle: Remember when you made Chavo job in the blink of an eye?
Eddie: Remember when we got real hammered and I stranded you on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean?
Angle: Uh…no.
Eddie: Wait, that was Sean O’Haire.
Angle: Did you ever remember to go get him OFF the island?
Eddie: Ummmm…
Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean…
O’Haire: Wilson! Wilson! I HAVE MADE FIRE!
Wilson: …
O’Haire: What? You don’t talk to me that way! I’ll kill you!
(Pummeling ensues)
O’Haire: Now just remember, you go to the police, and I’ll deny everything.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch…
Eddie: Well anyway, I’d like to shake your hand for being such a good rival.
Angle: Okey-dokey.
Angle and Eddie shake hands. Eddie then hugs Angle, and uses the opportunity to pick Angle’s pocket and steal the watch back. Luther Reigns shows up to ask Angle if he has any gum, and then Rey Mysterio comes out and kicks everyone in the face. Wheee!
Slim Cena vs. D-Von Dudley
Booker T is here to do commentary for this match. He’s upset that he lost to Slim Cena in the first match of their series, a Tuxedo Match. Booker and D-Von also have a kindred bond, because their rap songs on “WWE Originals” totally sucked and Slim Cena’s was actually kind of good. Bubba Ray Dudley is at ringside to cheer on D-Von, but Slim Cena is wearing his Baggy Shorts +2 v. ECW Guys, so he still wins. Then he taunts Booker T.
Cena: Word Life, you can’t see me and some similar things along those lines.
Booker: Can you dig it, sucka?
Cena: Basic thuganomics, yo yo yo yo yo.
Booker: FIVE TIME, FIVE TIME, FIVE TIME…
Cena: Damn. You’re good.
Rene Dupree vs. Rob Van Dam
Rob proposes that he and Rene settle their differences with a game of Clue. Rene tries to be civil, but RVD can’t stop laughing about the fact that Dupree’s first name is “Rene.” Finally, Rene guesses that it was Professor Plum in the Study with the Wrench, and RVD decides he’s hungry for some plums. Rene leaves because he’s sick of RVD’s tomfoolery. Then Kenzo Suzuki shows up and beats up Rob for eating all his Funyuns.
Theodore Long is backstage with Some Dumb Skank.
Long: I want you to play this tape when I tell you to play it, buleedat.
SDS: ‘Kay.
Long: And then I want you to say “holla holla holla.”
SDS: That’s stupid. Why?
Long: Because I’m the GM, and my will must be done.
SDS: Alright then. Holla holla holla.
Long: Again.
SDS: Holla holla holla.
Long: Again, and this time with FEELING!
Steiner: HOLLA! IF YA HEAR ME!
Long: Scott Steiner? What the hell are you doing here?
Steiner: RAW doesn’t want me anymore.
Long: Why not?
Steiner: I don’t know, but I assure you it has absolutely NOTHING to do with the fact that I can’t take two steps without getting injured.
Long: Hmmm…I’m tempted, but I just re-hired one big, goofy, lumbering guy, and I don’t think I have room for another just yet.
Steiner: Just…just tell me it isn’t Kevin Nash.
Long: Nope. It’s Kurrgan.
(Steiner faints)
Long: That was too easy.
Kane invites you to his and Lita’s wedding on Monday, featuring the Undertaker as the best man and Jeff Hardy as the maid of honor.
Theodore Long is in the ring now, because he hasn’t been doing enough holla-in’ tonight. He’s here to announce the return of one of the most dominant superstars in WWE history. Please be Ernest “The Cat” Miller, please be Ernest “The Cat” Miller, please be Ernest “The Cat” Miller…please---What? The BIG SHOW? Awwww! Well, let’s hope he at least eats Hardcore Holly, I don’t want this to be a TOTAL waste. Theodore Long then interrupts my overly-optimistic hopes of an Ernest “The Cat” Miller return to announce that tonight’s main event is starting RIGHT NOW! Yay!
Kurt Angle & Luther Reigns vs. Eddie Guerrero & Rey Mysterio
Kurt dives right for his watch, but Eddie ain’t havin’ that. Man, all WWE needs to do is replace Luther Reigns with Brock Lesnar and this match would be Kurt and his three most recent SummerSlam opponents all in one match. That would certainly be pandamonium in the ring, and you know this match would be better if some pandas were involved. Maybe Luther Reigns is actually a panda in disguise. I could see Kurt having a panda bodyguard. He would be just like Heihachi Mishima, only without the tendency to throw his son into a volcano. I suppose Eddie Guerrero could be Eddy Gordo, but where does that leave Rey? Finally, Kurt snatches his watch and runs away, but it’s not the real watch, just a decoy planted by Eddie. That leaves Panda Reigns in the ring all by himself, and he does all right until Rey goes on a 619 spree. 619 to Luther! 619 to Michael Cole! 619 to Tony Chimel! 619 to the Lowrider! Then Rey gets bored and 619s himself. Eddie is the last man standing, so he’s declared the winner. Viva la raza! Angle then gets his revenge on Eddie for fooling him with a fake watch by putting a Garfield hood ornament onto Eddie’s windshield. Your car is never as cool when it has a Garfield hood ornament.
Next week: Slim Cena and Booker T meet in the second match of their series, a Kennel From Hell match. Ernest “The Cat” Miller tries to pose as Orlando Jordan, but JBL sees right through it. Luther Reigns unleashes his vicious panda troops on an unwitting Funaki, and hilarity ensues.