GARTHIsTheLaw
League Member
Last week: Walker: Texas Undertaker unkilled JBL and Kurt Angle vandalized Eddie Guerrero’s car with a Garfield hood ornament, but the real story was the marked lack of pandas. Will SmackDown! receive some much-needed pandas…TONIGHT?
Eddie Guerrero is out to start the show.
Eddie: Horale, Kurt. That damned Garfield hood ornament has been on my windshield for a week now, and I am sick to death of it. It couldn’t have been a “W ‘04” panel, or a “My kid is an honor student” bumper sticker, or even one of those little stickers where Calvin is taking a leak on something, could it Kurt? No, you had to go and put the most heinous thing possible on my precious, precious Lowrider. Well, I demand you come out here right now so I can lie, cheat and…wait, I mean, so we can talk this out like gentlemen.
Luther Reigns: Here I am, Eddie!
Eddie: You aren’t Kurt Angle.
Reigns: Am too.
Eddie: Are not.
Reigns: Am too.
Eddie: You have hair.
Reigns: No I don’t.
Eddie: You have a goatee.
Reigns: No I don’t.
Eddie: You have large, comical earrings.
Reigns: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Angle: Jesus, Luther. You totally suck as a decoy.
(Luther hangs his head in shame)
Angle: I’m in the parking lot, Eddie. Come out here and help me pick out a brand of air freshener for my car. I’ve got it narrowed down to four.
Eddie: I am SO there.
Reigns: Can I come?
Angle & Eddie: No.
(Luther hangs his head in shame)
Out in the parking lot…
Angle: So, okay, fresh pine forest is out. That leaves new car smell, lemony fresh, and that flowery stuff.
Eddie: I vote out lemony fresh.
Angle: So now it’s down to new car smell and the flowery stuff.
Reigns: I vote out Carmella.
Angle: Dammit, Luther.
(Luther hangs his head in shame)
Angle: Hm…I can’t decide between these last two. What do you think, Eddie?
Eddie: I think that while you were distracted, I changed all your radio presets to the local adult-contemporary station. Sucker!
Radio: But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell…
Angle: RUN!
Angle and Luther flee. Eddie gathers up an armful of air freshener samples and prepares to slink off, but before he can…
Theodore Long: Holla holla holla. What’s going on out here?
Eddie: Heh heh. Look what I did to Kurt Angle’s car!
Radio: Tell me, why d’ya have to go and make things so complicated…
Long: No! NO! My precious radio presets!
Eddie: Huh? Isn’t this Kurt Angle’s car?
Long: No, stupid, this is my car! Oh, the humanity! Security, remove this man from the building!
Guard: But he’s already outside of the building.
Long: Well…um…bring him INTO the building, and then kick him out of it.
Guard: Will do, sir.
Eddie: This is YOUR car? But all the radio presets were country stations…
Long: Lies! Remove this man!
(Security drags Eddie away)
Radio: ‘Cause you know I’d walk a thousand miles if I could just see you…
Long: Oh, my wonderful presets, what has that terrible man done to you? Let’s just fix that.
Radio: Get down, turn around, go to town, boot scootin’ boogie…
Long: Ahhhhh that’s what I’m talking about. Buleedat.
Back from commercials, and we’ve got some pre-recorded comments of EXCITEMENT~ from Kenzo Suzuki.
Suzuki: I say, RVD, old chap, I’m just a bit perturbed by the way you think you can just prance about, stealing others’ Funyuns like nobody’s business. Why, I’ve a mind to give you a good thrashing tonight, chum, and I’ll waste no time in getting to it!
Rob Van Dam vs. Kenzo Suzuki
RVD thinks Hiroko’s white makeup is clown makeup and he keeps asking her to juggle things, so Kenzo attacks him. Michael Cole calls Hiroko “Hiroku.” Then he calls Rob Van Dam “Rob Van Dang.” Then he calls Kenzo Suzuki “Kenzo Toyota” and calls Tazz “Dizzy Devil.” Then he calls himself “Skinny, Annoying Little Wiener.” Somewhere, Todd Grisham is sad that Michael Cole just stole his nickname. Just as Kenzo’s about to finish RVD off, he sees the popcorn guy in the front row and goes out to try and mooch some free snacks. But wait, that’s no popcorn guy, that’s Rene Dupree! And he’s not selling popcorn, he’s selling crepes suzette! OMG SWERVE~! RVD finally gets back in the ring, but then he decides Hiroko looks more like a mime and asks if she can climb an invisible rope, and Kenzo gets so angry he jobs. Suzuki gets his revenge when he and Dupree eat waffles in front of RVD and don’t let him have any. Those dastardly foreigners.
And hey, we’re back in the parking lot. No wonder the new WWE SmackDown! game has added “Parking Lot Brawl” as a new match mode…I think WWE is slowly trying to move toward having everything take place in the parking lot. It’s WCW Backstage Assault all over again! Theodore Long is still trying to change all his radio presets back when the Bradshawmobile drives up. Nananananananana nananananananana, Bradshaw!
Orlando Jordan: Holy heavily rotated Goo Goo Dolls songs, Bradshaw!
JBL: I saw the Bradshaw-Signal. What’s up?
Long: Oh, Eddie Guerrero changed all my radio presets to adult-contemporary. I’m just trying to change them all back.
Radio: I wanna talk about me, wanna talk about I, wanna talk about number one, oh my me my…
JBL: Hey, I love that song! I didn’t know you were a country fan.
Long: No, um, that’s just one of the presets Eddie made.
JBL: You said he set adult-contemporary stations. Toby Keith isn’t adult-contemporary.
Long: Alright, I’ve had enough of this haterizing! Tonight you have to defend your WWE Utility Belt against Walker: Texas Undertaker!
JBL: What? I can’t wrestle! My orthodontist says this headgear has to stay on for at least another month. And besides, Walker: Texas Undertaker killed me the last time I fought him. I don’t feel like being revived again, it makes me feel all tingly.
Long: Fine, then Orlando Jordan can job in your place. But the title is still on the line.
Jordan: Holy surrogate title defenses, Bradshaw!
JBL: Stop doing that.
Billy Kidman vs. Chavo Guerrero
Billy Kidman is accompanied by Paul London and Chavo Guerrero is accompanied by Jamie Noble. Big surprise. Jamie Noble is wearing what could be the most package-enhancing tights I’ve ever seen. Not since the heyday of Curt Hennig has a wrestler’s package been more brilliantly accentuated. It’s very noble of Jamie to carry on Curt’s legacy after his death. Ha-ha! I kill me. Speaking of killing, Kidman kills Chavo with the BOTCHED STAR PRESS OF DOOM~. Looks like Walker: Texas Undertaker is going to have to unkill someone else. I bet Josh Mathews is getting a kick out of this.
It’s Vignette Time in WWE Land, and today’s special guest is Carlito Caribbean Cool.
CCC: Look at me! My initials are all the same letter! Just like Triple H! With any luck, I’ll get a monster push too!
Thanks, Carlito!
MATCH 2, KENNEL FROM HELL: Slim Cena vs. Booker T
Unfortunately, the setup team couldn’t get any vicious dogs to put in the Kennel, so they had to substitute vicious hamsters. Come on, WWE! You had an opportunity to get some pandas on TV, and you blew it! They wouldn’t even have to be vicious. You surround a ring with pandas, and you KNOW something cool is going to happen. But no, we get hamsters. Feh. Slim Cena was expecting dogs, so he’s wearing his High-Top Sneakers +3 v. Dogs, but in a cruel twist of fate, the sneakers are -2 v. Hamsters and Feet-on-Ropes Pinning Combinations, so Booker T wins. Coming up on the Australian tour is match 3 in the series: a Gravy Bowl Match!
It’s time for another fun trip to the SmackDown! parking lot! Theodore Long is still trying to change his presets back. Christ, how long can that possibly take? Kurt Angle and Luther Reigns are done fleeing, so they saunter by.
Reigns: …And that’s why Carmella shouldn’t be the next RAW diva.
Angle: Yes, Luther, I know. You’ve been talking about this the entire time we’ve been fleeing. STOP.
Long: Well, well, look who it is. The man responsible for Eddie Guerrero changing all my radio presets.
Angle: YOUR radio presets? But they were all country! I thought it was Jamie Noble’s car. Or maybe Hardcore Holly’s.
Long: Oh, now you’re haterizing too? Well, we’ll see about that! I’ve already forced Orlando Jordan to defend JBL’s title against Walker: Texas Undertaker, so to teach YOU a lesson, why don’t you face…um…Rey Mysterio!
Angle: What the hell kind of punishment is that?
Long: The kind doled out by a man who’s already booked the only menacing wrestler on the SmackDown! brand. Cut me some slack, playa, I’m still trying to get all my presets back to their original coun—er, I mean, rap stations.
Angle: What about Eddie Guerrero? Wouldn’t it make more sense if I faced him?
Long: No, I had him dragged into the building, and then thrown back out.
(Angle looks at Luther. Luther just shrugs)
Angle: Well how am I suppose to get my watch back then?
Long: You can fight him next week in a two-out-of-three-falls match. Winner takes watch. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some presets to reset.
Radio: Okay, so you’re a rocket scientist…that don’t impress me much…
Angle: Hey, isn’t that—
Long: Haterizing! Ring! Rey Mysterio! Now!
We now go to the ring for the match. Say…Kurt Angle is looking less bald than usual, and Rey Mysterio has suddenly gotten a lot prettier. Wait, that’s Paul Heyman and Josh Mathews. Even better!
Mathews: So Paul, I understand that tonight, you will be unleashing the embarrassment that is John Heidenreich upon the world.
Heyman: You know it, Clay.
Mathews: I’m not Clay Aiken.
Heyman: Whatever. Look, I know Heidenreich isn’t quite as cool as Super Macho Man was, and Brock was never as prone to killing his opponents as ol’ Johnny is. But I like to look on the bright side of things, and an optimist would see Heidenreich as less of a sloppy worker who tried to kill Steven Richards three or four times and more of a guy who’s far too talentless to ever defect to the Minnesota Vikings.
Mathews: Well, I certainly admit your willingness to accept challenges.
Heyman: So then, without further ado, I present you with Heidenreich! HEI-DEN-REICH! HEI-DEN-REICH!
Mathews: So, John, do you really think you can live up to the hype?
Heidenreich: What hype? Doesn’t everyone think I suck?
Mathews: Yeah. Do you think you can suck as much as they expect you to?
Heidenreich: I don’t know, Clay, but I’ll sure try.
Mathews: I’m not Clay Aiken!
Heidenreich: Sure you are. Aren’t you?
Heyman: IF I WAS INVISIBLE…THEN I COULD JUST WATCH YOU IN YOUR ROOM…
Mathews: Stop it! Don’t make me mention Little Johnny!
~~~FLASHBACK~~~
Mathews (echoing in Heidenreich’s head): Little Johnny…Little Johnny…Little Johnny…
Heidenreich: Little Johnny, it’s just not working! You told me I’d get pushed if I went out there and killed Steven Richards!
Little Johnny: YEEEAAAAHH!
Heidenreich: Now I’m jobbing to Rico on Heat!
Little Johnny: OOOKAAAYYY!
Heidenreich: What am I going to do? They’re going to take me off TV!
Little Johnny: WWHHHAAAT?
Heidenreich: For God’s sake, will you PLEASE say something else??!
Little Johnny: OOOKAAAYYY!
Heidenreich returns to the present.
Heidenreich: …HEIDENREICH SMASH!
Heidenreich kills Josh Mathews. Ouch! If he was invincible, that wouldn’t have happened. Walker: Texas Undertaker is going to be busy tonight.
Big Show is coming back to SmackDown! Apparently they’ve finally gotten the last traces of that hallucinogenic Megazord out of his system, so no more Mad Clown. Drag.
Kurt Angle vs. Rey Mysterio
Kurt Angle is upset that he can’t get his watch back from Eddie Guerrero tonight, so he straps Rey to his wrist and asks him what time it is, but Rey just kicks him in the face. But Kurt keeps asking, so Rey keeps kicking. It’s pandamonium in the ring! YES! Finally, some panda action! And finally, we get an answer to the question posed in "My Fellow Americans," starring Jack Lemmon and James Garner: When you dance with a panda, who leads? Clearly the panda leads, because he’s tearing it up in there. Then the panda removes his mask (damn! Another faux panda!) to reveal Ernest “The Cat” Miller, who is a dance dance dance dance dance machine. And he does his thing on the video screen. Okay, okay, there were no pandas and no Ernest “The Cat” Miller, it was all just part of my world of sexy fantasy. Rey Mysterio does HIS thing on the video screen, which is job to Angle. Wheeee!
It’s time for an ULTRA-FUN SMACKDOWN! MEMORY~! Arnold Schwarzenegger punks out Triple H. Then Sylvester Stallone punks out Stone Cold Steve Austin. Oh snap! Where’s Vin Diesel?
RAW Rebound: The Wedding From Hell is a smashing success. I want my wedding to have explosions, too. And also I want to chokeslam Matt Hardy through a table before I say “I do.” This is why the Test-Stephanie McMahon wedding sucked so much. It needed more Kane.
JBL and Orlando Jordan are backstage.
Jordan: Holy getting fed to the Undertaker, Bradshaw!
JBL: Yeah, I know, it’s a tough spot. If only I didn’t have this orthodontic headgear. But it’ll be worth it once I have that winning smile.
Jordan: Speaking of winning, how in the blue hell am I going to win tonight? The only person I’ve beaten in the past six months was Rene Dupree, and he couldn’t beat a houseplant.
JBL: That’s a little harsh.
Jordan: No, I’m serious. Did you see the Velocity tapings? He lost to a houseplant. Its name was Leafy.
JBL: That was a houseplant? I thought it was Billy Gunn.
Jordan: No, this opponent had much better charisma.
(Rim shot)
JBL: Where did that come from?
Jordan: I have no idea.
JBL: Well, let’s just head out there. Maybe if we’re lucky, Walker: Texas Undertaker will still be hung over from Kane’s bachelor party.
Jordan: That was like five days ago.
JBL: Obviously, you’ve never gone drinking with the Undertaker.
~~~FLASHBACK~~~
Undertaker: …’n THEN…after we sacrifishe Phineash Godwinn on TV…we’re gonna sacrifishe that one big fat black guy…(hic)
Bradshaw: What big fat guy?
Undertaker: (hic) YOUUUUU know the one.
Faarooq: Mark Henry?
Undertaker: NO, NO, NO…the other one! (hic) The…the shyrup guy!
Bradshaw: The syrup guy?
Undertaker: YEAH! Yeah, YOUUU know who I mean…the maple shyrup guy.
Faarooq: Mabel?
Undertaker: YEAH! MAPLE! (hic)
Bradshaw: But he isn’t even in the WWF.
Undertaker: Welllllll Vinshe will hire him if I shay to hire him. (hic) It’sh gonna be AWESHOME.
Bradshaw: God, I’d rather be back in the New Blackjacks.
Undertaker: HEY! What’d…what’d you call me?
(Undertaker falls over)
Undertaker: HEE HEE HEE…(hic)
Faarooq: Well I’ll be DAMNED!
JBL returns to the present.
Jordan: So am I going to win tonight, John?
JBL: Nah.
Jordan: Holy predictable DQ finish, Bradshaw!
WWE TITLE: Orlando Jordan vs. Walker: Texas Undertaker
Orlando Jordan is a little scared going into this match, but luckily, Walker: Texas Undertaker is a little bit tired from bringing Chavo Guerrero and Josh Mathews back to life, so Orlando gets the early advantage. Orlando lets up for a moment when he thinks back to when he and Undertaker were a team, but then he remembers how Undertaker always used to confuse him with Nathan Jones and goes back on the attack. However, the eyes of the ranger are upon Orlando, and Undertaker regains the advantage. Finally, the referee disqualifies Orlando for being an unsuspecting stranger who doesn’t know the truth of wrong from right. Walker: Texas Undertaker wins again! But JBL is still the champion. Since Undertaker doesn’t get JBL’s WWE Utility Belt, he settles for taking his orthodontic headgear instead. Holy corrective oral surgery, Bradshaw!
Next week: The cataclysmic final battle for Kurt Angle’s watch commences. JBL uses his trusty Bradshawrangs to fight off Walker: Texas Undertaker. A horde of pandas bides its time, waiting for the opportunity to strike.
Eddie Guerrero is out to start the show.
Eddie: Horale, Kurt. That damned Garfield hood ornament has been on my windshield for a week now, and I am sick to death of it. It couldn’t have been a “W ‘04” panel, or a “My kid is an honor student” bumper sticker, or even one of those little stickers where Calvin is taking a leak on something, could it Kurt? No, you had to go and put the most heinous thing possible on my precious, precious Lowrider. Well, I demand you come out here right now so I can lie, cheat and…wait, I mean, so we can talk this out like gentlemen.
Luther Reigns: Here I am, Eddie!
Eddie: You aren’t Kurt Angle.
Reigns: Am too.
Eddie: Are not.
Reigns: Am too.
Eddie: You have hair.
Reigns: No I don’t.
Eddie: You have a goatee.
Reigns: No I don’t.
Eddie: You have large, comical earrings.
Reigns: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Angle: Jesus, Luther. You totally suck as a decoy.
(Luther hangs his head in shame)
Angle: I’m in the parking lot, Eddie. Come out here and help me pick out a brand of air freshener for my car. I’ve got it narrowed down to four.
Eddie: I am SO there.
Reigns: Can I come?
Angle & Eddie: No.
(Luther hangs his head in shame)
Out in the parking lot…
Angle: So, okay, fresh pine forest is out. That leaves new car smell, lemony fresh, and that flowery stuff.
Eddie: I vote out lemony fresh.
Angle: So now it’s down to new car smell and the flowery stuff.
Reigns: I vote out Carmella.
Angle: Dammit, Luther.
(Luther hangs his head in shame)
Angle: Hm…I can’t decide between these last two. What do you think, Eddie?
Eddie: I think that while you were distracted, I changed all your radio presets to the local adult-contemporary station. Sucker!
Radio: But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell…
Angle: RUN!
Angle and Luther flee. Eddie gathers up an armful of air freshener samples and prepares to slink off, but before he can…
Theodore Long: Holla holla holla. What’s going on out here?
Eddie: Heh heh. Look what I did to Kurt Angle’s car!
Radio: Tell me, why d’ya have to go and make things so complicated…
Long: No! NO! My precious radio presets!
Eddie: Huh? Isn’t this Kurt Angle’s car?
Long: No, stupid, this is my car! Oh, the humanity! Security, remove this man from the building!
Guard: But he’s already outside of the building.
Long: Well…um…bring him INTO the building, and then kick him out of it.
Guard: Will do, sir.
Eddie: This is YOUR car? But all the radio presets were country stations…
Long: Lies! Remove this man!
(Security drags Eddie away)
Radio: ‘Cause you know I’d walk a thousand miles if I could just see you…
Long: Oh, my wonderful presets, what has that terrible man done to you? Let’s just fix that.
Radio: Get down, turn around, go to town, boot scootin’ boogie…
Long: Ahhhhh that’s what I’m talking about. Buleedat.
Back from commercials, and we’ve got some pre-recorded comments of EXCITEMENT~ from Kenzo Suzuki.
Suzuki: I say, RVD, old chap, I’m just a bit perturbed by the way you think you can just prance about, stealing others’ Funyuns like nobody’s business. Why, I’ve a mind to give you a good thrashing tonight, chum, and I’ll waste no time in getting to it!
Rob Van Dam vs. Kenzo Suzuki
RVD thinks Hiroko’s white makeup is clown makeup and he keeps asking her to juggle things, so Kenzo attacks him. Michael Cole calls Hiroko “Hiroku.” Then he calls Rob Van Dam “Rob Van Dang.” Then he calls Kenzo Suzuki “Kenzo Toyota” and calls Tazz “Dizzy Devil.” Then he calls himself “Skinny, Annoying Little Wiener.” Somewhere, Todd Grisham is sad that Michael Cole just stole his nickname. Just as Kenzo’s about to finish RVD off, he sees the popcorn guy in the front row and goes out to try and mooch some free snacks. But wait, that’s no popcorn guy, that’s Rene Dupree! And he’s not selling popcorn, he’s selling crepes suzette! OMG SWERVE~! RVD finally gets back in the ring, but then he decides Hiroko looks more like a mime and asks if she can climb an invisible rope, and Kenzo gets so angry he jobs. Suzuki gets his revenge when he and Dupree eat waffles in front of RVD and don’t let him have any. Those dastardly foreigners.
And hey, we’re back in the parking lot. No wonder the new WWE SmackDown! game has added “Parking Lot Brawl” as a new match mode…I think WWE is slowly trying to move toward having everything take place in the parking lot. It’s WCW Backstage Assault all over again! Theodore Long is still trying to change all his radio presets back when the Bradshawmobile drives up. Nananananananana nananananananana, Bradshaw!
Orlando Jordan: Holy heavily rotated Goo Goo Dolls songs, Bradshaw!
JBL: I saw the Bradshaw-Signal. What’s up?
Long: Oh, Eddie Guerrero changed all my radio presets to adult-contemporary. I’m just trying to change them all back.
Radio: I wanna talk about me, wanna talk about I, wanna talk about number one, oh my me my…
JBL: Hey, I love that song! I didn’t know you were a country fan.
Long: No, um, that’s just one of the presets Eddie made.
JBL: You said he set adult-contemporary stations. Toby Keith isn’t adult-contemporary.
Long: Alright, I’ve had enough of this haterizing! Tonight you have to defend your WWE Utility Belt against Walker: Texas Undertaker!
JBL: What? I can’t wrestle! My orthodontist says this headgear has to stay on for at least another month. And besides, Walker: Texas Undertaker killed me the last time I fought him. I don’t feel like being revived again, it makes me feel all tingly.
Long: Fine, then Orlando Jordan can job in your place. But the title is still on the line.
Jordan: Holy surrogate title defenses, Bradshaw!
JBL: Stop doing that.
Billy Kidman vs. Chavo Guerrero
Billy Kidman is accompanied by Paul London and Chavo Guerrero is accompanied by Jamie Noble. Big surprise. Jamie Noble is wearing what could be the most package-enhancing tights I’ve ever seen. Not since the heyday of Curt Hennig has a wrestler’s package been more brilliantly accentuated. It’s very noble of Jamie to carry on Curt’s legacy after his death. Ha-ha! I kill me. Speaking of killing, Kidman kills Chavo with the BOTCHED STAR PRESS OF DOOM~. Looks like Walker: Texas Undertaker is going to have to unkill someone else. I bet Josh Mathews is getting a kick out of this.
It’s Vignette Time in WWE Land, and today’s special guest is Carlito Caribbean Cool.
CCC: Look at me! My initials are all the same letter! Just like Triple H! With any luck, I’ll get a monster push too!
Thanks, Carlito!
MATCH 2, KENNEL FROM HELL: Slim Cena vs. Booker T
Unfortunately, the setup team couldn’t get any vicious dogs to put in the Kennel, so they had to substitute vicious hamsters. Come on, WWE! You had an opportunity to get some pandas on TV, and you blew it! They wouldn’t even have to be vicious. You surround a ring with pandas, and you KNOW something cool is going to happen. But no, we get hamsters. Feh. Slim Cena was expecting dogs, so he’s wearing his High-Top Sneakers +3 v. Dogs, but in a cruel twist of fate, the sneakers are -2 v. Hamsters and Feet-on-Ropes Pinning Combinations, so Booker T wins. Coming up on the Australian tour is match 3 in the series: a Gravy Bowl Match!
It’s time for another fun trip to the SmackDown! parking lot! Theodore Long is still trying to change his presets back. Christ, how long can that possibly take? Kurt Angle and Luther Reigns are done fleeing, so they saunter by.
Reigns: …And that’s why Carmella shouldn’t be the next RAW diva.
Angle: Yes, Luther, I know. You’ve been talking about this the entire time we’ve been fleeing. STOP.
Long: Well, well, look who it is. The man responsible for Eddie Guerrero changing all my radio presets.
Angle: YOUR radio presets? But they were all country! I thought it was Jamie Noble’s car. Or maybe Hardcore Holly’s.
Long: Oh, now you’re haterizing too? Well, we’ll see about that! I’ve already forced Orlando Jordan to defend JBL’s title against Walker: Texas Undertaker, so to teach YOU a lesson, why don’t you face…um…Rey Mysterio!
Angle: What the hell kind of punishment is that?
Long: The kind doled out by a man who’s already booked the only menacing wrestler on the SmackDown! brand. Cut me some slack, playa, I’m still trying to get all my presets back to their original coun—er, I mean, rap stations.
Angle: What about Eddie Guerrero? Wouldn’t it make more sense if I faced him?
Long: No, I had him dragged into the building, and then thrown back out.
(Angle looks at Luther. Luther just shrugs)
Angle: Well how am I suppose to get my watch back then?
Long: You can fight him next week in a two-out-of-three-falls match. Winner takes watch. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some presets to reset.
Radio: Okay, so you’re a rocket scientist…that don’t impress me much…
Angle: Hey, isn’t that—
Long: Haterizing! Ring! Rey Mysterio! Now!
We now go to the ring for the match. Say…Kurt Angle is looking less bald than usual, and Rey Mysterio has suddenly gotten a lot prettier. Wait, that’s Paul Heyman and Josh Mathews. Even better!
Mathews: So Paul, I understand that tonight, you will be unleashing the embarrassment that is John Heidenreich upon the world.
Heyman: You know it, Clay.
Mathews: I’m not Clay Aiken.
Heyman: Whatever. Look, I know Heidenreich isn’t quite as cool as Super Macho Man was, and Brock was never as prone to killing his opponents as ol’ Johnny is. But I like to look on the bright side of things, and an optimist would see Heidenreich as less of a sloppy worker who tried to kill Steven Richards three or four times and more of a guy who’s far too talentless to ever defect to the Minnesota Vikings.
Mathews: Well, I certainly admit your willingness to accept challenges.
Heyman: So then, without further ado, I present you with Heidenreich! HEI-DEN-REICH! HEI-DEN-REICH!
Mathews: So, John, do you really think you can live up to the hype?
Heidenreich: What hype? Doesn’t everyone think I suck?
Mathews: Yeah. Do you think you can suck as much as they expect you to?
Heidenreich: I don’t know, Clay, but I’ll sure try.
Mathews: I’m not Clay Aiken!
Heidenreich: Sure you are. Aren’t you?
Heyman: IF I WAS INVISIBLE…THEN I COULD JUST WATCH YOU IN YOUR ROOM…
Mathews: Stop it! Don’t make me mention Little Johnny!
~~~FLASHBACK~~~
Mathews (echoing in Heidenreich’s head): Little Johnny…Little Johnny…Little Johnny…
Heidenreich: Little Johnny, it’s just not working! You told me I’d get pushed if I went out there and killed Steven Richards!
Little Johnny: YEEEAAAAHH!
Heidenreich: Now I’m jobbing to Rico on Heat!
Little Johnny: OOOKAAAYYY!
Heidenreich: What am I going to do? They’re going to take me off TV!
Little Johnny: WWHHHAAAT?
Heidenreich: For God’s sake, will you PLEASE say something else??!
Little Johnny: OOOKAAAYYY!
Heidenreich returns to the present.
Heidenreich: …HEIDENREICH SMASH!
Heidenreich kills Josh Mathews. Ouch! If he was invincible, that wouldn’t have happened. Walker: Texas Undertaker is going to be busy tonight.
Big Show is coming back to SmackDown! Apparently they’ve finally gotten the last traces of that hallucinogenic Megazord out of his system, so no more Mad Clown. Drag.
Kurt Angle vs. Rey Mysterio
Kurt Angle is upset that he can’t get his watch back from Eddie Guerrero tonight, so he straps Rey to his wrist and asks him what time it is, but Rey just kicks him in the face. But Kurt keeps asking, so Rey keeps kicking. It’s pandamonium in the ring! YES! Finally, some panda action! And finally, we get an answer to the question posed in "My Fellow Americans," starring Jack Lemmon and James Garner: When you dance with a panda, who leads? Clearly the panda leads, because he’s tearing it up in there. Then the panda removes his mask (damn! Another faux panda!) to reveal Ernest “The Cat” Miller, who is a dance dance dance dance dance machine. And he does his thing on the video screen. Okay, okay, there were no pandas and no Ernest “The Cat” Miller, it was all just part of my world of sexy fantasy. Rey Mysterio does HIS thing on the video screen, which is job to Angle. Wheeee!
It’s time for an ULTRA-FUN SMACKDOWN! MEMORY~! Arnold Schwarzenegger punks out Triple H. Then Sylvester Stallone punks out Stone Cold Steve Austin. Oh snap! Where’s Vin Diesel?
RAW Rebound: The Wedding From Hell is a smashing success. I want my wedding to have explosions, too. And also I want to chokeslam Matt Hardy through a table before I say “I do.” This is why the Test-Stephanie McMahon wedding sucked so much. It needed more Kane.
JBL and Orlando Jordan are backstage.
Jordan: Holy getting fed to the Undertaker, Bradshaw!
JBL: Yeah, I know, it’s a tough spot. If only I didn’t have this orthodontic headgear. But it’ll be worth it once I have that winning smile.
Jordan: Speaking of winning, how in the blue hell am I going to win tonight? The only person I’ve beaten in the past six months was Rene Dupree, and he couldn’t beat a houseplant.
JBL: That’s a little harsh.
Jordan: No, I’m serious. Did you see the Velocity tapings? He lost to a houseplant. Its name was Leafy.
JBL: That was a houseplant? I thought it was Billy Gunn.
Jordan: No, this opponent had much better charisma.
(Rim shot)
JBL: Where did that come from?
Jordan: I have no idea.
JBL: Well, let’s just head out there. Maybe if we’re lucky, Walker: Texas Undertaker will still be hung over from Kane’s bachelor party.
Jordan: That was like five days ago.
JBL: Obviously, you’ve never gone drinking with the Undertaker.
~~~FLASHBACK~~~
Undertaker: …’n THEN…after we sacrifishe Phineash Godwinn on TV…we’re gonna sacrifishe that one big fat black guy…(hic)
Bradshaw: What big fat guy?
Undertaker: (hic) YOUUUUU know the one.
Faarooq: Mark Henry?
Undertaker: NO, NO, NO…the other one! (hic) The…the shyrup guy!
Bradshaw: The syrup guy?
Undertaker: YEAH! Yeah, YOUUU know who I mean…the maple shyrup guy.
Faarooq: Mabel?
Undertaker: YEAH! MAPLE! (hic)
Bradshaw: But he isn’t even in the WWF.
Undertaker: Welllllll Vinshe will hire him if I shay to hire him. (hic) It’sh gonna be AWESHOME.
Bradshaw: God, I’d rather be back in the New Blackjacks.
Undertaker: HEY! What’d…what’d you call me?
(Undertaker falls over)
Undertaker: HEE HEE HEE…(hic)
Faarooq: Well I’ll be DAMNED!
JBL returns to the present.
Jordan: So am I going to win tonight, John?
JBL: Nah.
Jordan: Holy predictable DQ finish, Bradshaw!
WWE TITLE: Orlando Jordan vs. Walker: Texas Undertaker
Orlando Jordan is a little scared going into this match, but luckily, Walker: Texas Undertaker is a little bit tired from bringing Chavo Guerrero and Josh Mathews back to life, so Orlando gets the early advantage. Orlando lets up for a moment when he thinks back to when he and Undertaker were a team, but then he remembers how Undertaker always used to confuse him with Nathan Jones and goes back on the attack. However, the eyes of the ranger are upon Orlando, and Undertaker regains the advantage. Finally, the referee disqualifies Orlando for being an unsuspecting stranger who doesn’t know the truth of wrong from right. Walker: Texas Undertaker wins again! But JBL is still the champion. Since Undertaker doesn’t get JBL’s WWE Utility Belt, he settles for taking his orthodontic headgear instead. Holy corrective oral surgery, Bradshaw!
Next week: The cataclysmic final battle for Kurt Angle’s watch commences. JBL uses his trusty Bradshawrangs to fight off Walker: Texas Undertaker. A horde of pandas bides its time, waiting for the opportunity to strike.
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