GARTHIsTheLaw
League Member
Last week: Team Frogger beat Team Velocity for the Tag Titles, Theodore Long forced JBL to defend his Title Utility Belt against Walker: Texas Undertaker at Uno Mercy, and Big Show ended pandamonium once and for all by eating all the pandas. Will Big Show eat something…TONIGHT?
Torrie Wilson is out to start the show. Um, okay.
Torrie: I’m the only reason Billy Kidman still has a job.
Crowd: WOOOOOOO!
Torrie: Now here’s a match, my job tonight is done.
MATCH 4, DUCHESS OF QUEENSBURY: Booker T vs. Slim Cena
So Torrie Wilson was the Duchess of Queensbury all along! Wasn’t she still in WCW then? Then again, the WWF had already snatched up one of WCW’s top talents ahead of time in Haku, so I’m sure getting Torrie was the next logical step. Booker T gets tired and takes a nap, so Slim Cena has to wrestle this match by himself. Wow, his finisher doesn’t even look credible when HE sells it. Booker T eventually wakes up and rejoins the match while Cena is exhausted, but Cena’s wearing his Baggy Shorts +3 to Stamina, so he still wins. Looks like it’s all going to come down to Uno Mercy. I hope it’s a Wild Draw 4 Match.
It’s time for Part 1 of WWE’s new talk show, Backstage With Big Show.
Show: Duuuuuuuude. My first guest is…um…Teddy Long? I hope he brought Ice Train!
Long: Don’t go there, playa.
Show: It’s cool, man, settle down. So, uhhhh, I understand you brought me something.
Long: Indeed I did.
Show: Is it Chex Mix? I’ve got the munchies REAL bad.
Long: Uh…no, Big Show, it isn’t Chex Mix.
Show: Drag.
Long: No, what I’ve actually got is a couple of open contracts for Uno Mercy. You can choose to face either Kurt Angle or Eddie Guerrero.
Show: Oh, cool. Wait, which one is Kurt Angle?
Long: The shiny one.
Show: Okay. Um, which one is Eddie Guerrero?
Long: The Latino one.
Show: Alright. Hey, which one is Kurt Angle again?
Long: (sighs)
Show: Duuuuuuuuude.
Now Michael Cole is in the ring for CHARISMA TIME~ with Billy Kidman!
Cole: Billy, what’s with all the crying spells lately?
Kidman: I killed Chavo Guerrero. Remember?
Cole: Didn’t Walker: Texas Undertaker unkill him?
Kidman: He’s alive now, but his head is still squished like a grape. He looks like the kid from “Mask.”
Cole: Jim Carrey?
Kidman: No, the stupid “Mask” movie.
Cole: The one with Jim Carrey?
Kidman: NO! The one from the 80’s, with Cher.
Cole: Cher wore a mask?
Kidman slaps Cole and he falls down. Then Paul London shows up.
London: Hey, Billy.
Kidman: ‘Sup, Paul.
London: We lost the tag titles.
Kidman: Yeah.
London: Too bad.
Kidman: No kidding.
London: It was your fault.
Kidman: Yeah, I know.
London: So…
Kidman: Yeah.
London: Yup.
Kidman: Mm-hmm.
Kidman gets ready to leave, but Cole gets back up and smacks him in the back of the head as he turns. Kidman turns around and, comically, thinks it was London who hit him. INTRIGUE~! But then Kidman leaves anyway, because he can’t remember how he was supposed to react.
Tonight’s SmackDown! Throwback: TLC 3. TLC performed on SmackDown! in 2001? Three times? Wow, I was drinking way too much that year. I hope they sang “Waterfalls.”
The Dudley Boyz vs. Rob Van Dam & Rey Mysterio
Has anyone ever noticed that at least half of the times a babyface needs a tag team partner, it ends up being RVD? He must be pretty easy to convince. The other guys worry about getting hurt, but for RVD, all you have to do is wave a box of Cracker Jacks in his face and lure him out to the ring. Rey throws the Cracker Jacks to the Dudleyz and tells RVD he has to beat them to get the Cracker Jacks. RVD is a HOUSE AFIRE BAH GAWD! But only for about ten seconds, then he gets distracted by someone with a funny sign in the audience. Spike Dudley drops a piano on Rey. Oh no he DI-N’T! That leaves the Dudleyz by themselves, but all they know how to do is job, so RVD & Rey still win. Spike is sad.
Spike: How did you’se knuckleheads lose? There wasn’t even anybody in the ring, see!
Bubba: Uh…it was D-Von’s fault!
D-Von: Nuh uh! Nuh uh!
Spike: Izzat so?
(Spike pokes Bubba in the eyes)
Bubba: OW!
D-Von: Nyuk nyuk nyuk.
Spike: What’s so funny?
(Spike stomps on D-Von’s foot)
D-Von: OOO!
Spike: You’se lunkheads is even worse wrestlers than you was painters. C’mon, let’s blow this popsicle stand.
Bubba & D-Von: Yes, boss.
Hey, Michael Cole wants to have a heart-to-heart with us fans. Awwww.
Cole: Hey, sorry I tried to fight Paul Heyman last week.
Tazz: It’s cool, Cole. I think most of the fans found that entertaining.
Cole: Yeah, but it resulted in their having to be exposed to Heidenreich.
Tazz: Oooooh, I see.
Cole: Plus now Funaki is dead as a result.
Tazz: Fu-who?
Cole: Yeah, I didn’t recognize him either, but that’s who they said he was.
Tazz: Huh. Foo-nah-kee. Is he new to SmackDown!?
Cole: I have no idea. Well, anyway, I hope this issue between Paul Heyman and me is over, and doesn’t escalate significantly in a couple of minutes.
Tazz: Right.
And we’re Backstage With Big Show again.
Show: Heh…Hey! The camera’s on again! Alright, my next guest is Eddie Guerrero. Have a seat, Eddie.
Eddie: Thanks for having me, Big Show.
Show: So, uh…I hear you have a challenge to make.
Eddie: That’s right, Show. I want you to sign the contract to face me at Uno Mercy?
Show: Hmm…well do you have a convincer? Perhaps some Chex Mix?
Eddie: Not with me. But I might be able to scrounge some up later.
Show: All riiiiiiiight! So, uh, why do you want to face me at Uno Mercy?
Eddie: Because if I don’t, I’ll probably have to face Luther Reigns instead. I’ll lose either way, and it’ll be much less humiliating if it’s to you.
Show: Well, thanks for your time, Eddie. Stay tuned, because when we come back, the Pixies perform.
Eddie: I thought your next guest was Luther Reigns.
Show: Buzzkill.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch…
JBL: Man, I can’t believe I have to face Walker: Texas Undertaker in a Last Ride match at No Mercy. I mean, the stipulation makes NO SENSE AT ALL.
Orlando Jordan: Gee willickers! What’re we gonna do?
JBL: Well, there’s only one thing TO do, and that’s call out Walker: Texas Undertaker.
Jordan: WHAAAAAA?
JBL: No, think about it. If I can prove I’m not scared of the Undertaker, that’ll throw him off his game plan. Uno is a thinking man’s game, and if I have a psychological edge, I’m sure to win.
Jordan: You know, it just might work.
JBL: Besides, I’m not going to win by out-wrestling him.
Jordan: Holy lackluster main event, Bradshaw!
JBL: Quiet, you.
Hey! There’s the Bradshaw-Signal, so they must be on the way to the ring now! EXCITEMENT~!
JBL: Alright, Undertaker, this is it. I’m tired of being told you’ll never job, and I’m tired of being told I can’t wrestle a decent match. It’s time to prove everyone wrong here and now. Orlando, you can head backstage.
Jordan: Are you sure about that?
JBL: Don’t worry, I’ve got it all taken care of.
Undertaker: What do you want, JBL? Surely you don’t think I’m going to lose to you TWICE. I’m the Undertaker for crying out loud. I wouldn’t lose twice in a row to God himself.
JBL: So you think, Dead Man, so you think. But I think the fact that I was allowed to win the title in the first place indicates that I tend to win when I really shouldn’t.
Undertaker: Oh ho. You think you can get away with not jobbing to me? Not in MY YARD, biatch!
JBL: Wait, wasn’t your “yard” part of your old gimmick?
Undertaker: Down you go.
Undertaker kicks JBL in the face. Wheee! But here comes Orlando Jordan with…Gangrel and Viscera? What the hell? They all take turns beating Undertaker with a stick.
Undertaker: Didn’t you guys get fired years ago? Whose idea was it to bring you back?
Gangrel: You know, I have no idea. Viscera, how did we get here?
Viscera: I thought you knew!
~~~FLASHBACK~~~
Gangrel: Hey Vis, did you hear they decided to disband the Corporate Ministry?
Viscera: WHAT?
Gangrel: Yeah, it’s true. I just heard it straight from Vince McMahon.
Viscera: Oh man…what am I gonna do? That gimmick was all I had! I can’t go back to being King Mabel, I’ll get laughed out of the building!
Gangrel: I hear ya, man. It sucks. And apparently you’re going to job to the Big Boss Man tonight.
Viscera: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Gangrel: Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I got kicked out of the Corporate Ministry MONTHS ago. And while Edge and Christian get this huge push and all these great matches with the Hardy Boyz, I get nothing. I’m probably going to have to job to Test tonight.
Viscera: Sigh…it’s time we face it. Our careers are in a downward spiral.
Gangrel: Well, we might as well try and go out with some dignity. Put this gimmick behind us and try to get some respect as wrestlers, not just as goth goofballs.
Viscera: Yeah…
Suddenly, JBL and Orlando Jordan rush into the room and chloroform Viscera and Gangrel.
JBL: Okay, now let’s drag ‘em back to the time machine.
Jordan: Vince is going to be SO peeved if he finds out you used his time machine.
JBL: Well, he’s not going to find out.
Jordan: How is this going to help you beat Walker: Texas Undertaker?
JBL: These guys are going to be pissed that Undertaker still gets a push while they never do anything meaningful for the rest of their careers. They’ll understand.
Jordan: I still don’t know. I mean, Viscera’s alright, but is it a good idea to kidnap Gangrel from 1999? Vince already kidnapped him from 1994 and brought him in, all he did was rename him Mordecai.
JBL: Trust me, this will work. Besides, once we’re done with them we can just bring them right back here. Now, I’ll grab Gangrel. You get Viscera.
Jordan: That’s hardly fair.
JBL: Just do it.
As JBL and Jordan drag Gangrel and Viscera away, Faarooq walks in the room and catches a brief glimpse of JBL just as he blinks back to 2004.
Faarooq: Well I’ll be DAMNED!
~~~UN-FLASHBACK~~~
Gangrel: Something’s very fishy about this.
JBL: Don’t talk. Just stomp.
Gangrel: I can do that.
Once everyone is done stomping Walker: Texas Undertaker, it’s time for a prerecorded segment starring the F.B.I.
Stamboli: Nunzio! Nunzio! We get to be on TV again!
Nunzio: I know! Two weeks ago we got to face the tag team champions in a non-title match, and now, we get to face the tag team champions in a non-title match!
Stamboli: Yay!
NON-TITLE MATCH OF EXCITEMENT~: Team Frogger vs. F.B.I.
It’s the Battle of the Stereotypes! I’m rooting for the F.B.I., because I loves me some Nunzio. But he’s no match for the mighty COMBINED ENTRANCE MUSIC POWER~ of Team Frogger. We don’t hear French music combined with Japanese music enough these days, but it’s really something. We’re looking at a chart-topper here, folks – it just hits you out of NOWHERE. French French French French JAPANESE! Ha-ha, you weren’t expecting that! Speaking of not expecting stuff, John Heidenreich jumps out of the crowd and carries off Michael Cole.
Cole: Help! Oh, help!
Tazz: I needs me spinach!
(Tazz guzzles an entire bottle of Stacker2 Ephedra Free)
Tazz: Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh!
Aaaaaand Tazz leaves to go chase after Cole. Okay, so there are no commentators now. I’ll just pretend the voices in my head are doing commentary.
Voice: Hey Garth! Get off your lazy ass and get a job!
Shut up, Mom! I can’t hear the voices! Man, my mom sucks at commentary. Is this match still going on? God, this segment just screams for more Kane. Team Frogger wins when the F.B.I. fail to stop them from crossing the road and jumping over the logs to the end.
RAW Rewind: All three members of Evolution gang up on Randy Orton, but then they all fall over. ORTON WINS! How does he do it?
We’re back from commercial, and…and…oh God. I hope this isn’t going where I think it’s going.
Heidenreich: COLE! Do you know why I’ve got you pinned against the wall in this secluded room?
Cole: You’re going to violate me?
Heidenreich: Uh…no. Look, here’s how it goes down. Paul Heyman wants to get me a match at Uno Mercy, but I don’t have ANY idea how to play the game.
Cole: And you’re going to violate me if I don’t teach you?
Heidenreich: NO! I just want to learn the game. See Cole, we have the same desires.
Cole: We both want me to be violated?
Heidenreich: What is WITH you??! Get your mind out of the gutter! Okay, I’m going to lock this door, and when I unlock it, I want you to stop with this…fixation. You’re creeping me out.
And we’re Backstage With Big Show once again.
Show: Well folks, we’re about to wrap up tonight’s edition of Backstage With Big Show because I’m starting to lose my buzz. My guest now is Luther Reigns.
Reigns: Good to be here, Show.
Show: And you said you had a statement to make?
Reigns: Yes. I want you to sign the contract to face Eddie Guerrero, and not Kurt Angle.
Show: Why couldn’t Kurt just tell me himself?
Reigns: For some reason, he’s been keeping a low profile tonight. Says it has to do with that Clay Aiken guy.
Show: Well, Eddie asked me to face him too, so—wait a minute. What’s your agenda here?
Reigns: What makes you think I have some angle in this?
Show: Oh, I think you have a lot of…ANGLE in this!
(Big Show bursts out laughing)
Reigns: Look, just sign the frigging contract. There’s a bag of Chex Mix in it for you.
Show: Ooh! Gimme!
Reigns: In the ring.
Show: Awww.
Meanwhile…
Heidenreich: All I really want to do is read you a poem I wrote, Cole.
Cole: Tease.
Heidenreich: Here goes…
TO THE WINDOOOOOOOOWS
TO THE WALLS
TILL THE SWEAT RAN DOWN MY BALLS
AND ALL THESE B(BLEEP)CHES CRAWL
AWWWW SKEET SKEET MUTHAF—
Cole: You didn’t write that.
Heidenreich: Okay, I admit it, Little Johnny wrote it for me. This whole thing was his idea.
Cole: Little Johnny?
Heidenreich: He just takes over sometimes, Cole. You don’t know what it’s like.
Cole: Yes I do. My mind and body are frequently taken over by the malignant spirit of Todd Pettengill.
Heidenreich: You jest.
Cole: That was him trying to get you to violate me a minute ago.
Heidenreich: Wait, you don’t think…
Cole: There’s definitely something going on between the two of them. Something big.
Heidenreich: Well we’ve got to do some—no. NO!
Cole: What is it?
Heidenreich: He’s taking over! Get out of here before it’s too late!
Cole: Heidenreich! Are you okay?
Heidenreich: YEEEAAAAAHHHH!
Cole: EEP!
(Cole flees)
Heidenreich: OOOKAAAAAYYY!
NON-TITLE MATCH OF EXCITEMENT~: Spike Dudley vs. Charlie Haas
Spike tells the Dudley Boyz to stand watch and make sure no one interferes. They can’t screw that up, right? Spike hopes Haas will blow a spot just like his valet, and Haas hopes Spike will job just like his brothers. They both just sort of stand there hoping for a couple of minutes until the referee tells them to do something, so Haas does the Robot while Spike juggles tennis balls. Bubba forgets what he was supposed to do, so he enters the ring, but he’s caught up in the wackiness and starts breakdancing. D-Von tries to hit Haas in the face with a pie, but he ducks and the pie hits Spike, which the referee determines to be cause enough to bring an end to this match. Haas wins! More pies are brought out, and it looks like the situation is hopeless for Haas and Jackie Gayda, when suddenly Rico makes the save with his famous lemon meringue recipe. Oh snap! John Heidenreich’s one weakness!
Spike: You’se clowns can’t even watch the entrance ramp! What good are you?
Bubba: It was D-Von’s fault!
D-Von: It was Bubba’s fault!
Spike: Oh! A couple of wiseguys, eh?
(Spike drags D-Von and Bubba away by their ears)
Bubba & D-Von: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Guess who’s still coming to SmackDown!? If you guessed Carlito Caribbean Cool, you win the prize! If you guessed Ernest “The Cat” Miller, you’re wrong, but you still win my eternal respect.
Time for tonight’s main event – a contract signing! OMG WORKRATE~! Here’s Theodore Long.
Long: Holla holla holla. I understand that Big Show has just taken another dose of his…er…anger management medication, so let’s bring him on out!
Show: Woooooow. I have NO idea what’s going on right now.
Long: You’re here to sign a contract to determine whom you face at Uno Mercy.
Show: Ohhhhhh yeah. I choose Akio.
Long: You can’t pick Akio. He’s not on one of these contracts.
Show: How about Nunzio?
Long: He is not on a contract either. We went over this.
Show: Jamie Noble?
Long: For the love of…not only is Jamie Noble not on one of these contracts, you ate him last week! Don’t you remember that?
Show (guiltily): I thought he was a panda.
Long: Look, why don’t I just bring out the guys you can face.
Show: (blank stare)
Long: I’ll take that as a yes. Kurt, Eddie, get out here.
Angle: Shhh! I don’t want Josh Mathews to know where I am!
Long: Josh who?
Reigns: He means Clay Aiken.
Long: Ah. I feel you, playa. Well, whatever. One of you do something cool.
Eddie: Horale, Big Show. My cousin Chewey says he can get you some Chex Mix if you sign on the dotted line to face me.
Show: Mmm…Chex Mix…
Long: Kurt, your rebuttal?
Angle: Screw that. Luther has some Chex Mix with him right now if you sign to face Eddie.
Show: So…if I sign to face Eddie, I get Chex Mix. But…if I sign to face Eddie…I get Chex Mix.
Long: That seems to be the deal.
Show: (blank stare)
Long: Big Show?
Show: (blank stare)
Long: BIG SHOW!
Show: What? What’s going on?
Long: Who do you want to face at Uno Mercy?
Show: Which one is the shiny one again?
Reigns: Jesus Christ. Just sign the one on your left and the Chex Mix is yours.
Show: Oh, cool.
Big Show signs the contract to face Eddie. Luther Reigns pulls out the bag of Chex Mix. But wait, there’s something very strange about that—oh no! Luther waffles Eddie with the bag! It’s not a bag of Chex Mix at all! It’s a rock painted to look like a bag of Chex Mix! What a shocking swerve!
Angle: Sucker!
Reigns: Um, Kurt…
Angle: Now you face Eddie Guerrero and not me!
Reigns: Hey, Kurt…
Angle: And you get NO CHEX MIX! BWAHAHAHAHA!
Reigns: Kurt!
Angle: What?
Reigns: The contract is gone.
Angle: What! Where did it go?
Show: My mummo.
Angle: Are you EATING the contract?
Show: Mo.
Angle: Yes you are! I can see the corner of it sticking out of your mouth!
Show: Mohmp.
Angle: But…but…you…you can’t…
Long: You know what? To hell with this. I’m leaving to go get drunk. Kurt, it’s you versus Big Show at Uno Mercy.
Angle: But…but…
Eddie: VIVA LA HORALE LIE CHEAT STEAL HOMES ESE RAZA LATINO HEAT!
Eddie hits everyone in the face with a big piece of cardboard. Then Big Show eats the cardboard. Thrills! Chills! Tune in next week for Kurt Angle and Luther Reigns vs. Eddie Guerrero and Big Show! Same Bradshaw time, same Bradshaw channel!
Next week: Walker: Texas Undertaker goes back in time and kidnaps Uncle Zebekiah to battle back against JBL. Little Johnny and Todd Pettengill hatch an evil plan for world domination. Big Show eats Gangrel and Viscera and ends up in 14th-century Europe, where hilarity ensues.
Torrie Wilson is out to start the show. Um, okay.
Torrie: I’m the only reason Billy Kidman still has a job.
Crowd: WOOOOOOO!
Torrie: Now here’s a match, my job tonight is done.
MATCH 4, DUCHESS OF QUEENSBURY: Booker T vs. Slim Cena
So Torrie Wilson was the Duchess of Queensbury all along! Wasn’t she still in WCW then? Then again, the WWF had already snatched up one of WCW’s top talents ahead of time in Haku, so I’m sure getting Torrie was the next logical step. Booker T gets tired and takes a nap, so Slim Cena has to wrestle this match by himself. Wow, his finisher doesn’t even look credible when HE sells it. Booker T eventually wakes up and rejoins the match while Cena is exhausted, but Cena’s wearing his Baggy Shorts +3 to Stamina, so he still wins. Looks like it’s all going to come down to Uno Mercy. I hope it’s a Wild Draw 4 Match.
It’s time for Part 1 of WWE’s new talk show, Backstage With Big Show.
Show: Duuuuuuuude. My first guest is…um…Teddy Long? I hope he brought Ice Train!
Long: Don’t go there, playa.
Show: It’s cool, man, settle down. So, uhhhh, I understand you brought me something.
Long: Indeed I did.
Show: Is it Chex Mix? I’ve got the munchies REAL bad.
Long: Uh…no, Big Show, it isn’t Chex Mix.
Show: Drag.
Long: No, what I’ve actually got is a couple of open contracts for Uno Mercy. You can choose to face either Kurt Angle or Eddie Guerrero.
Show: Oh, cool. Wait, which one is Kurt Angle?
Long: The shiny one.
Show: Okay. Um, which one is Eddie Guerrero?
Long: The Latino one.
Show: Alright. Hey, which one is Kurt Angle again?
Long: (sighs)
Show: Duuuuuuuuude.
Now Michael Cole is in the ring for CHARISMA TIME~ with Billy Kidman!
Cole: Billy, what’s with all the crying spells lately?
Kidman: I killed Chavo Guerrero. Remember?
Cole: Didn’t Walker: Texas Undertaker unkill him?
Kidman: He’s alive now, but his head is still squished like a grape. He looks like the kid from “Mask.”
Cole: Jim Carrey?
Kidman: No, the stupid “Mask” movie.
Cole: The one with Jim Carrey?
Kidman: NO! The one from the 80’s, with Cher.
Cole: Cher wore a mask?
Kidman slaps Cole and he falls down. Then Paul London shows up.
London: Hey, Billy.
Kidman: ‘Sup, Paul.
London: We lost the tag titles.
Kidman: Yeah.
London: Too bad.
Kidman: No kidding.
London: It was your fault.
Kidman: Yeah, I know.
London: So…
Kidman: Yeah.
London: Yup.
Kidman: Mm-hmm.
Kidman gets ready to leave, but Cole gets back up and smacks him in the back of the head as he turns. Kidman turns around and, comically, thinks it was London who hit him. INTRIGUE~! But then Kidman leaves anyway, because he can’t remember how he was supposed to react.
Tonight’s SmackDown! Throwback: TLC 3. TLC performed on SmackDown! in 2001? Three times? Wow, I was drinking way too much that year. I hope they sang “Waterfalls.”
The Dudley Boyz vs. Rob Van Dam & Rey Mysterio
Has anyone ever noticed that at least half of the times a babyface needs a tag team partner, it ends up being RVD? He must be pretty easy to convince. The other guys worry about getting hurt, but for RVD, all you have to do is wave a box of Cracker Jacks in his face and lure him out to the ring. Rey throws the Cracker Jacks to the Dudleyz and tells RVD he has to beat them to get the Cracker Jacks. RVD is a HOUSE AFIRE BAH GAWD! But only for about ten seconds, then he gets distracted by someone with a funny sign in the audience. Spike Dudley drops a piano on Rey. Oh no he DI-N’T! That leaves the Dudleyz by themselves, but all they know how to do is job, so RVD & Rey still win. Spike is sad.
Spike: How did you’se knuckleheads lose? There wasn’t even anybody in the ring, see!
Bubba: Uh…it was D-Von’s fault!
D-Von: Nuh uh! Nuh uh!
Spike: Izzat so?
(Spike pokes Bubba in the eyes)
Bubba: OW!
D-Von: Nyuk nyuk nyuk.
Spike: What’s so funny?
(Spike stomps on D-Von’s foot)
D-Von: OOO!
Spike: You’se lunkheads is even worse wrestlers than you was painters. C’mon, let’s blow this popsicle stand.
Bubba & D-Von: Yes, boss.
Hey, Michael Cole wants to have a heart-to-heart with us fans. Awwww.
Cole: Hey, sorry I tried to fight Paul Heyman last week.
Tazz: It’s cool, Cole. I think most of the fans found that entertaining.
Cole: Yeah, but it resulted in their having to be exposed to Heidenreich.
Tazz: Oooooh, I see.
Cole: Plus now Funaki is dead as a result.
Tazz: Fu-who?
Cole: Yeah, I didn’t recognize him either, but that’s who they said he was.
Tazz: Huh. Foo-nah-kee. Is he new to SmackDown!?
Cole: I have no idea. Well, anyway, I hope this issue between Paul Heyman and me is over, and doesn’t escalate significantly in a couple of minutes.
Tazz: Right.
And we’re Backstage With Big Show again.
Show: Heh…Hey! The camera’s on again! Alright, my next guest is Eddie Guerrero. Have a seat, Eddie.
Eddie: Thanks for having me, Big Show.
Show: So, uh…I hear you have a challenge to make.
Eddie: That’s right, Show. I want you to sign the contract to face me at Uno Mercy?
Show: Hmm…well do you have a convincer? Perhaps some Chex Mix?
Eddie: Not with me. But I might be able to scrounge some up later.
Show: All riiiiiiiight! So, uh, why do you want to face me at Uno Mercy?
Eddie: Because if I don’t, I’ll probably have to face Luther Reigns instead. I’ll lose either way, and it’ll be much less humiliating if it’s to you.
Show: Well, thanks for your time, Eddie. Stay tuned, because when we come back, the Pixies perform.
Eddie: I thought your next guest was Luther Reigns.
Show: Buzzkill.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch…
JBL: Man, I can’t believe I have to face Walker: Texas Undertaker in a Last Ride match at No Mercy. I mean, the stipulation makes NO SENSE AT ALL.
Orlando Jordan: Gee willickers! What’re we gonna do?
JBL: Well, there’s only one thing TO do, and that’s call out Walker: Texas Undertaker.
Jordan: WHAAAAAA?
JBL: No, think about it. If I can prove I’m not scared of the Undertaker, that’ll throw him off his game plan. Uno is a thinking man’s game, and if I have a psychological edge, I’m sure to win.
Jordan: You know, it just might work.
JBL: Besides, I’m not going to win by out-wrestling him.
Jordan: Holy lackluster main event, Bradshaw!
JBL: Quiet, you.
Hey! There’s the Bradshaw-Signal, so they must be on the way to the ring now! EXCITEMENT~!
JBL: Alright, Undertaker, this is it. I’m tired of being told you’ll never job, and I’m tired of being told I can’t wrestle a decent match. It’s time to prove everyone wrong here and now. Orlando, you can head backstage.
Jordan: Are you sure about that?
JBL: Don’t worry, I’ve got it all taken care of.
Undertaker: What do you want, JBL? Surely you don’t think I’m going to lose to you TWICE. I’m the Undertaker for crying out loud. I wouldn’t lose twice in a row to God himself.
JBL: So you think, Dead Man, so you think. But I think the fact that I was allowed to win the title in the first place indicates that I tend to win when I really shouldn’t.
Undertaker: Oh ho. You think you can get away with not jobbing to me? Not in MY YARD, biatch!
JBL: Wait, wasn’t your “yard” part of your old gimmick?
Undertaker: Down you go.
Undertaker kicks JBL in the face. Wheee! But here comes Orlando Jordan with…Gangrel and Viscera? What the hell? They all take turns beating Undertaker with a stick.
Undertaker: Didn’t you guys get fired years ago? Whose idea was it to bring you back?
Gangrel: You know, I have no idea. Viscera, how did we get here?
Viscera: I thought you knew!
~~~FLASHBACK~~~
Gangrel: Hey Vis, did you hear they decided to disband the Corporate Ministry?
Viscera: WHAT?
Gangrel: Yeah, it’s true. I just heard it straight from Vince McMahon.
Viscera: Oh man…what am I gonna do? That gimmick was all I had! I can’t go back to being King Mabel, I’ll get laughed out of the building!
Gangrel: I hear ya, man. It sucks. And apparently you’re going to job to the Big Boss Man tonight.
Viscera: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Gangrel: Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I got kicked out of the Corporate Ministry MONTHS ago. And while Edge and Christian get this huge push and all these great matches with the Hardy Boyz, I get nothing. I’m probably going to have to job to Test tonight.
Viscera: Sigh…it’s time we face it. Our careers are in a downward spiral.
Gangrel: Well, we might as well try and go out with some dignity. Put this gimmick behind us and try to get some respect as wrestlers, not just as goth goofballs.
Viscera: Yeah…
Suddenly, JBL and Orlando Jordan rush into the room and chloroform Viscera and Gangrel.
JBL: Okay, now let’s drag ‘em back to the time machine.
Jordan: Vince is going to be SO peeved if he finds out you used his time machine.
JBL: Well, he’s not going to find out.
Jordan: How is this going to help you beat Walker: Texas Undertaker?
JBL: These guys are going to be pissed that Undertaker still gets a push while they never do anything meaningful for the rest of their careers. They’ll understand.
Jordan: I still don’t know. I mean, Viscera’s alright, but is it a good idea to kidnap Gangrel from 1999? Vince already kidnapped him from 1994 and brought him in, all he did was rename him Mordecai.
JBL: Trust me, this will work. Besides, once we’re done with them we can just bring them right back here. Now, I’ll grab Gangrel. You get Viscera.
Jordan: That’s hardly fair.
JBL: Just do it.
As JBL and Jordan drag Gangrel and Viscera away, Faarooq walks in the room and catches a brief glimpse of JBL just as he blinks back to 2004.
Faarooq: Well I’ll be DAMNED!
~~~UN-FLASHBACK~~~
Gangrel: Something’s very fishy about this.
JBL: Don’t talk. Just stomp.
Gangrel: I can do that.
Once everyone is done stomping Walker: Texas Undertaker, it’s time for a prerecorded segment starring the F.B.I.
Stamboli: Nunzio! Nunzio! We get to be on TV again!
Nunzio: I know! Two weeks ago we got to face the tag team champions in a non-title match, and now, we get to face the tag team champions in a non-title match!
Stamboli: Yay!
NON-TITLE MATCH OF EXCITEMENT~: Team Frogger vs. F.B.I.
It’s the Battle of the Stereotypes! I’m rooting for the F.B.I., because I loves me some Nunzio. But he’s no match for the mighty COMBINED ENTRANCE MUSIC POWER~ of Team Frogger. We don’t hear French music combined with Japanese music enough these days, but it’s really something. We’re looking at a chart-topper here, folks – it just hits you out of NOWHERE. French French French French JAPANESE! Ha-ha, you weren’t expecting that! Speaking of not expecting stuff, John Heidenreich jumps out of the crowd and carries off Michael Cole.
Cole: Help! Oh, help!
Tazz: I needs me spinach!
(Tazz guzzles an entire bottle of Stacker2 Ephedra Free)
Tazz: Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh!
Aaaaaand Tazz leaves to go chase after Cole. Okay, so there are no commentators now. I’ll just pretend the voices in my head are doing commentary.
Voice: Hey Garth! Get off your lazy ass and get a job!
Shut up, Mom! I can’t hear the voices! Man, my mom sucks at commentary. Is this match still going on? God, this segment just screams for more Kane. Team Frogger wins when the F.B.I. fail to stop them from crossing the road and jumping over the logs to the end.
RAW Rewind: All three members of Evolution gang up on Randy Orton, but then they all fall over. ORTON WINS! How does he do it?
We’re back from commercial, and…and…oh God. I hope this isn’t going where I think it’s going.
Heidenreich: COLE! Do you know why I’ve got you pinned against the wall in this secluded room?
Cole: You’re going to violate me?
Heidenreich: Uh…no. Look, here’s how it goes down. Paul Heyman wants to get me a match at Uno Mercy, but I don’t have ANY idea how to play the game.
Cole: And you’re going to violate me if I don’t teach you?
Heidenreich: NO! I just want to learn the game. See Cole, we have the same desires.
Cole: We both want me to be violated?
Heidenreich: What is WITH you??! Get your mind out of the gutter! Okay, I’m going to lock this door, and when I unlock it, I want you to stop with this…fixation. You’re creeping me out.
And we’re Backstage With Big Show once again.
Show: Well folks, we’re about to wrap up tonight’s edition of Backstage With Big Show because I’m starting to lose my buzz. My guest now is Luther Reigns.
Reigns: Good to be here, Show.
Show: And you said you had a statement to make?
Reigns: Yes. I want you to sign the contract to face Eddie Guerrero, and not Kurt Angle.
Show: Why couldn’t Kurt just tell me himself?
Reigns: For some reason, he’s been keeping a low profile tonight. Says it has to do with that Clay Aiken guy.
Show: Well, Eddie asked me to face him too, so—wait a minute. What’s your agenda here?
Reigns: What makes you think I have some angle in this?
Show: Oh, I think you have a lot of…ANGLE in this!
(Big Show bursts out laughing)
Reigns: Look, just sign the frigging contract. There’s a bag of Chex Mix in it for you.
Show: Ooh! Gimme!
Reigns: In the ring.
Show: Awww.
Meanwhile…
Heidenreich: All I really want to do is read you a poem I wrote, Cole.
Cole: Tease.
Heidenreich: Here goes…
TO THE WINDOOOOOOOOWS
TO THE WALLS
TILL THE SWEAT RAN DOWN MY BALLS
AND ALL THESE B(BLEEP)CHES CRAWL
AWWWW SKEET SKEET MUTHAF—
Cole: You didn’t write that.
Heidenreich: Okay, I admit it, Little Johnny wrote it for me. This whole thing was his idea.
Cole: Little Johnny?
Heidenreich: He just takes over sometimes, Cole. You don’t know what it’s like.
Cole: Yes I do. My mind and body are frequently taken over by the malignant spirit of Todd Pettengill.
Heidenreich: You jest.
Cole: That was him trying to get you to violate me a minute ago.
Heidenreich: Wait, you don’t think…
Cole: There’s definitely something going on between the two of them. Something big.
Heidenreich: Well we’ve got to do some—no. NO!
Cole: What is it?
Heidenreich: He’s taking over! Get out of here before it’s too late!
Cole: Heidenreich! Are you okay?
Heidenreich: YEEEAAAAAHHHH!
Cole: EEP!
(Cole flees)
Heidenreich: OOOKAAAAAYYY!
NON-TITLE MATCH OF EXCITEMENT~: Spike Dudley vs. Charlie Haas
Spike tells the Dudley Boyz to stand watch and make sure no one interferes. They can’t screw that up, right? Spike hopes Haas will blow a spot just like his valet, and Haas hopes Spike will job just like his brothers. They both just sort of stand there hoping for a couple of minutes until the referee tells them to do something, so Haas does the Robot while Spike juggles tennis balls. Bubba forgets what he was supposed to do, so he enters the ring, but he’s caught up in the wackiness and starts breakdancing. D-Von tries to hit Haas in the face with a pie, but he ducks and the pie hits Spike, which the referee determines to be cause enough to bring an end to this match. Haas wins! More pies are brought out, and it looks like the situation is hopeless for Haas and Jackie Gayda, when suddenly Rico makes the save with his famous lemon meringue recipe. Oh snap! John Heidenreich’s one weakness!
Spike: You’se clowns can’t even watch the entrance ramp! What good are you?
Bubba: It was D-Von’s fault!
D-Von: It was Bubba’s fault!
Spike: Oh! A couple of wiseguys, eh?
(Spike drags D-Von and Bubba away by their ears)
Bubba & D-Von: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Guess who’s still coming to SmackDown!? If you guessed Carlito Caribbean Cool, you win the prize! If you guessed Ernest “The Cat” Miller, you’re wrong, but you still win my eternal respect.
Time for tonight’s main event – a contract signing! OMG WORKRATE~! Here’s Theodore Long.
Long: Holla holla holla. I understand that Big Show has just taken another dose of his…er…anger management medication, so let’s bring him on out!
Show: Woooooow. I have NO idea what’s going on right now.
Long: You’re here to sign a contract to determine whom you face at Uno Mercy.
Show: Ohhhhhh yeah. I choose Akio.
Long: You can’t pick Akio. He’s not on one of these contracts.
Show: How about Nunzio?
Long: He is not on a contract either. We went over this.
Show: Jamie Noble?
Long: For the love of…not only is Jamie Noble not on one of these contracts, you ate him last week! Don’t you remember that?
Show (guiltily): I thought he was a panda.
Long: Look, why don’t I just bring out the guys you can face.
Show: (blank stare)
Long: I’ll take that as a yes. Kurt, Eddie, get out here.
Angle: Shhh! I don’t want Josh Mathews to know where I am!
Long: Josh who?
Reigns: He means Clay Aiken.
Long: Ah. I feel you, playa. Well, whatever. One of you do something cool.
Eddie: Horale, Big Show. My cousin Chewey says he can get you some Chex Mix if you sign on the dotted line to face me.
Show: Mmm…Chex Mix…
Long: Kurt, your rebuttal?
Angle: Screw that. Luther has some Chex Mix with him right now if you sign to face Eddie.
Show: So…if I sign to face Eddie, I get Chex Mix. But…if I sign to face Eddie…I get Chex Mix.
Long: That seems to be the deal.
Show: (blank stare)
Long: Big Show?
Show: (blank stare)
Long: BIG SHOW!
Show: What? What’s going on?
Long: Who do you want to face at Uno Mercy?
Show: Which one is the shiny one again?
Reigns: Jesus Christ. Just sign the one on your left and the Chex Mix is yours.
Show: Oh, cool.
Big Show signs the contract to face Eddie. Luther Reigns pulls out the bag of Chex Mix. But wait, there’s something very strange about that—oh no! Luther waffles Eddie with the bag! It’s not a bag of Chex Mix at all! It’s a rock painted to look like a bag of Chex Mix! What a shocking swerve!
Angle: Sucker!
Reigns: Um, Kurt…
Angle: Now you face Eddie Guerrero and not me!
Reigns: Hey, Kurt…
Angle: And you get NO CHEX MIX! BWAHAHAHAHA!
Reigns: Kurt!
Angle: What?
Reigns: The contract is gone.
Angle: What! Where did it go?
Show: My mummo.
Angle: Are you EATING the contract?
Show: Mo.
Angle: Yes you are! I can see the corner of it sticking out of your mouth!
Show: Mohmp.
Angle: But…but…you…you can’t…
Long: You know what? To hell with this. I’m leaving to go get drunk. Kurt, it’s you versus Big Show at Uno Mercy.
Angle: But…but…
Eddie: VIVA LA HORALE LIE CHEAT STEAL HOMES ESE RAZA LATINO HEAT!
Eddie hits everyone in the face with a big piece of cardboard. Then Big Show eats the cardboard. Thrills! Chills! Tune in next week for Kurt Angle and Luther Reigns vs. Eddie Guerrero and Big Show! Same Bradshaw time, same Bradshaw channel!
Next week: Walker: Texas Undertaker goes back in time and kidnaps Uncle Zebekiah to battle back against JBL. Little Johnny and Todd Pettengill hatch an evil plan for world domination. Big Show eats Gangrel and Viscera and ends up in 14th-century Europe, where hilarity ensues.
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