GARTHIsTheLaw
League Member
Last week: Kurt Angle repented for his secret tryst with Stephanie McMahon by making the Big Show the Bald Show, Walker: Texas Undertaker disrupted the space-time continuum by killing Gangrel and Viscera, and some famous SmackDown! moments were relived. Will anything be relived…TONIGHT?
A quick image tells us that somewhere in Wrestler Heaven, some people are about to serve HARD TIME. Or have their dogs cooked and fed to them. Whichever.
Here’s Kurt Angle.
Angle: God dammit this totally sucks. First I’ve got Vince McMahon all up in my biz-nass about my relationship with Stephanie, then I’ve got Big Show all angry because I shaved his stupid head even though he told me to do it, and on top of it all that creepy Josh Mathews has been lurking outside of my windows for weeks. Well anyway, here’s the deal. I’ve done a bunch of cool stuff in the past, like win Olympic medals and WWE titles, and somehow this is supposed to tie in with my vow to beat Big Show at Uno Mercy. Although honestly, it’d probably be smarter to point out that I’ve beaten Big Show like eight million times before. Heck, I beat him, Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin three-on-one. Sure, I got some help from Zach Gowen, but honestly, how much help do you really think ol’ Stumpy McGee was? So I’ll probably beat Big Show again. Now here are the other members of SmackDown!’s impending Evolution rip-off, Luther Reigns and Ron Jindrak.
Jindrak: Holy crap! I’m on TV! For the SECOND week in a row! Doing something besides beating Shannon Moore on Velocity!
Reigns: Yeah, I’ve been there, man.
Angle: Okay, let’s see. Jindrak, you’re Randy Orton. Luther, you’re Batista. Uhhh…we need somebody to be Ric Flair.
Ernest “The Cat” Miller: Somebody call my momma! I just took your old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WHOOOO!
Angle: Sigh…sadly, you’re probably the best choice right now.
Miller: YES! It’s time for the Cat to make a comeback!
Theodore Long: Holla holla holla.
Angle: Oh, what do you want?
Long: Out, Miller.
Miller: Awww.
Long: Now that that’s taken care of, Kurt, here’s what’s going to go down. Apparently you don’t understand the rules of Uno. This is not a TEAM game, this is a game that’s every man for himself. And that means no Jindrak and no Luther during your match with Big Show.
Reigns: Drag. Well, at least I still have my match with Eddie Guerrero.
Jindrak: And at least I have…wait, I don’t have anything. Hey Theodore, can I have a match at Uno Mercy?
Long: No, but how about I have you squash Shannon Moore on Heat?
Jindrak: (cries)
Angle: Now look. You made Jindrak cry.
Long: Buleedat, playa. Oh, and also Jindrak and Luther have to face Eddie Guerrero and a mystery partner tonight.
Angle: Mystery partner, eh?
Reigns: Ten bucks says RVD.
Angle: I’ll take that bet. My money is on Rey Mysterio.
Jindrak: Hey Theodore, remember when you used to manage me?
Long: Yeah. Boy, how drunk was I when I made THAT decision?
Jindrak: (cries)
Long: Eesh. Not again.
Rico & Charlie Haas vs. Dudley Boyz
Spike Dudley isn’t even at ringside with his brothers. It’s as if he knows in advance that they’re going to job. Possibly because they haven’t won a match in like four months, but who knows. Dawn Marie is your special guest commentator, and what a marvelous job she’s doing.
Michael Cole: Suplex by Haas!
Dawn: I had sex with Haas last night.
Tazz: Fascinating. Haas with the tag to Rico.
Dawn: Did I mention that Charlie and I had sex last night?
Cole: Yeah. Yeah, you did. Rico with a series of kicks to the midsection of D-Von.
Dawn: Charlie Haas and I had sex.
Tazz: We KNOW, Dawn. D-Von with a thumb to the eye, and the Dudleyz retake control of the match.
Dawn: And you see where Charlie and I having sex is weird, right? Because he’s engaged to Jackie Gayda?
Cole: Jesus, Dawn. You really should have mentioned that first.
Dawn: Didn’t I? CharlieHaasandIhadsexbytheway.
Tazz: Sigh. I have to acknowledge her now, don’t I?
Dawn: Me. Charlie Haas. Sex.
Tazz: For hell’s sake, girl. Why is this news? You’ve had sex with the entire SmackDown! locker room.
Cole: Yeah, no kidding. Even I got a piece and I’m about as undesirable as they come.
Dawn: I had sex with Charlie Haas.
(Tazz slaps Dawn)
Jackie: Hey! I was supposed to do that!
Tazz: Sorry Jackie, I couldn’t help it.
Cole: Eesh. I’d rather get with Heidenreich than her again.
Rico: Did somebody mention Heidenreich?
Jackie: Oh, hey Rico.
Rico: What’s going on over here?
Dawn (slowly regaining consciousness): Sex night had Haas me Charlie with last…
(Cole slaps Dawn)
Rico: What the hell’s she babbling about?
Jackie: I think she’s implying that she had sex with Charlie last night.
Rico: So? Everyone’s had sex with Dawn Marie.
Cole: God, what is the POINT of all this?
Tazz: They must need a throwaway match for Uno Mercy.
Dawn: Charlie and I had sex last—
(Rico slaps Dawn)
Rico: You’re right. She IS really annoying.
Tazz: No kidding. Wait, uh, Rico? Aren’t you in this match?
Rico: Oh shoot.
While all this craziness is going on outside the ring, Haas jobs to the Dudleyz. Cheating on your fiancé with Dawn Marie, that’s one thing, but losing to the Dudleyz…now THAT is embarrassing.
Josh Mathews is backstage with Slim Cena.
Mathews: This better be good, Cena. I passed up an opportunity to chase Kurt Angle for this.
Cena: ‘Course it’s going to be good, Clay. All my raps are super-sweet. Which is more than I can say for your music career. Now go play solitaire with yourself while I do a rap about Booker T.
Mathews: Fine. Jerk.
Cena: Ahem.
Hardcore Holly runs up and whacks Cena over the head with a steel pipe.
Hardcore: Oops, you’re not JBL. My bad.
Hey, now Paul Heyman is out screaming at John Heidenreich, who is perched atop the SmackDown! fist.
Heyman: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JOHN! NO MORE POETRY, PLEASE!
Heidenreich: Don’t worry, Paul. I’m not going to jump.
Heyman: Who said anything about jumping? You can do a triple flip twist that gets a 9.8 from the Russian judge for all I care. Just no more poetry.
Heidenreich: No, Paul, I’m not here to pull a Road Warrior Hawk. I’m here to read a poem.
Heyman: DAMMIT JOHN NO!
Some official: I’m pretty sure he can’t hear you.
Heyman: CRAP!
Heidenreich: SHORTY CRUNK
SO FRESH SO CLEAN
SOMETHING POP THAT QUESTION
SOMETHING ASS IN ME
IN MY MIND, THIS ***** IS FINE
WHEN I CAME TO THE CLUB SOMETHING SOMETHING IN TIME…
Heidenreich slips and falls off the fist. Oh snap! Luckily, his fall is broken by Billy Gunn. Oh please oh please oh please don’t let Walker: Texas Undertaker unkill him.
Speaking of Walker: Texas Undertaker, he’s Backstage Without Big Show. In place of Big Show is a big hearse. Neat.
Undertaker: Look at me! I’m in the mid-90’s again! After I killed Gangrel and Viscera last week, I got real nostalgic about the good old days, so I decided to cut an old-timey Undertaker promo. I got the fog machine, and the hearse, and the dark lighting…oh man this is so cool. Really reminds me of some of the opponents I’ve had over the years…Kamala, Giant Gonzalez, King Kong Bundy, the list just goes on and on. And people complain that JBL is a crappy wrestler. Sheesh, people, just look at my list of past opponents. Compared to them, JBL is Bret friggin’ Hart. How often do I feud with someone that isn’t completely devoid of charisma and athleticism? Well anyway, I’ve got to go set up an act of old-time Undertakery for later tonight, so stay tuned.
Here’s JBL with Josh Mathews.
Mathews: What’s with all these interviews? Where’s Kurt?
JBL: Forget Kurt. Where’s Orlando? I’m going to be real unhappy if Walker: Texas Undertaker kills him. I’m in enough trouble for getting Gangrel and Viscera killed. I’m terrified that somebody in 1999 is going to realize that Gangrel is actually Mordecai with blonde hair and Viscera is Typhoon in blackface.
Mathews: Well then let’s not talk about Undertaker. You face Hardcore Holly tonight, don’t you? What about that?
JBL: Alright, Clay. Hey, remember when Hardcore Holly got a main-event push for paying his dues over the years? Yeah, that was real successful. At least I actually got the title. HE just got flattened by Super Macho Man.
Hardcore: Hey! Come on, JBL, have a heart. We’re not all that different. We’ve both been part of subpar tag teams, we’ve both been meaningless Hardcore champions, we’ve both dyed our hair various exciting colors, we’ve both debuted with really retarded gimmicks, we’ve both changed our ring names numerous times…
JBL: Who decided to give you mic time? I thought you were supposed to just hit me with a steel pipe.
Hardcore: Yeah, I sorta whacked Slim Cena with it instead. I thought I’d attack you psychologically instead of physically.
JBL: Not working real well.
Hardcore: Dang.
Looks like we’re going to have us a rematch from last week, but first, here’s Paul London with some fabulous prerecorded comments.
London: Um…uh…I got a nosebleed last week. Then I jobbed to Booker T. That was cool.
NON-TITLE MATCH OF EXCITEMENT~: Booker T vs. Paul London
Paul London has Kleenex stuffed up his nose so he doesn’t get another nosebleed. He looks so goofy that Booker can’t stop laughing, so London has to wrestle most of this match by itself. Every Internet reviewer still gives the match twelve stars, though. Billy Kidman saunters out because he’s jealous that Booker gets to play the role of Underdeveloped Ex-WCW Guy Who Goes Over Paul London. How’s he supposed to beat Paul at Uno Mercy NOW? He’d better get a hell of a lot of Draw Twos. London goes for a 450 splash on Booker, but unfortunately he’s got those Kleenex -2 to Air Maneuverability, so he misses and Booker wins. Kidman goes and tries to steal the Kleenex so he can correctly botch the BOTCHED STAR PRESS OF DOOM~ again, but London won’t give them up, so Kidman just beats him with a stick. It’s on like neck bone at No Mercy! Tony! Tony! Can I ax you a question, Tony!
Oh hey, just in case you forgot, Carlito Caribbean Cool is still coming to WWE. Yeah, he was totally going to remind you last week, but Hulk Hogan stole his TV time. That a-hole. Anyway, he’ll be here next week. About time. Five bucks says he goes over Scotty 2-Jobby.
NON-TITLE MATCH OF EXCITEMENT~: John Bradshaw Layfield vs. Hardcore Holly
I just realized this is the first time I have actually spelled out JBL’s full name in this satire. Isn’t that interesting. I was going to say that Hardcore Holly is just happy to be here tonight, but actually, he keeps showing up on SmackDown! for some reason. Whatever happened to his feud with the Dudley Boyz over who the bigger jobber was? Hardcore Holly actually hits the Sheeba Shabba Slam somehow. He also hits the WORLD’S BEST DROPKICK~ at some point. Isn’t that what they call Randy Orton’s dropkick on RAW? Scandalous! JBL gets disqualified for insider trading. Hardcore Holly gets a DQ win over the champion! Just like Shelton Benjamin did on RAW! And both champions go by three-letter abbreviations of their ring names! And both are despised by every wrestling fan on earth with a computer! Score.
Undertaker: Hey, JBL. Guess what I did.
JBL: Did you bake me a pie?
Undertaker: Guess again.
JBL: Uh…did you knit me a sweater?
Undertaker: Strike two.
JBL: Did you crucify Orlando Jordan?
Undertaker: Damn! You got me!
JBL: Oh Undertaker, you sly devil you.
Undertaker: But I didn’t CRUCIFY him. I…um…symbolfied him.
JBL: Uh huh. If that’s a symbol, then what does it symbolize?
Undertaker: It symbolizes that, uh…that I’m going to totally hold you down on Sunday and take your title, baby, YEAH!
JBL: Pshh. You’ve lost gimmick matches for the WWE Title at the last two Uno Mercies. What makes you think this one will be any different?
Undertaker: Well, you’re not exactly Brock Lesnar there, John. Or even Brock Lesnar’s chauffeur.
JBL: Good point. Hey, how do you reckon we’re going to get Orlando down?
Undertaker: No clue.
Jordan: Holy embarrassing Attitude Era flashbacks, Bradshaw!
NON-TITLE MATCH OF EXCITEMENT~: Spike Dudley vs. Nunzio
Wow, three NON-TITLE MATCHES OF EXCITEMENT~ in a row. I can hardly be blamed for going nuts on the tildes this week. Maybe Team Frogger will get added to tonight’s main event for the grand slam. Or maybe they’ll both be Eddie Guerrero’s mystery partner. Don’t ask me how that’s possible, I’m just thinking out loud. Or…thinking on paper. Or thinking on a web site. Shut up. Spike decided to bring his brothers with him for this match, because he’s impressed that they didn’t lose to Rico and Haas earlier tonight. They try to drop bowling balls on Nunzio’s head, but Johnny Stamboli distracts them and they end up bonking themselves on the head with the bowling balls, and Spike gets so embarrassed he jobs. Nunzio wins!
RAW Rewind: Orton falls over and Evolution wins. How did that happen? But hey, that means he’s out of the running for the World Title shot at Taboo Tuesday. They all laughed at me when I put twenty bucks on Max Moon, but WHO’S LAUGHING NOW??!
Looks like we’re Backstage With Big Show again. About time he showed up for his own frigging show. Show show show. Showity show.
Big Show: So, like…I wake up Friday and all my hair is missing. WTF, man? This is all sooooooo Kurt Angle’s fault. And at Uno Mercy, I’m going to…um…to…hey, who put the lights out? Duuuuuude. This is sooooooo weird. It’s like…all spooky and stuff. Hey! Who’s there?
RVD: Yoink!
Big Show: Hey! That’s my Chex Mix! Give it back!
RVD: Hee hee.
Big Show: I’ll get you, RVD! Soon as these lights come back on!
RVD: Chill out, man. I’m just getting a handful. You can have the rest back.
Big Show: Well, you better not take too many pretzels. The pretzels are the best part.
RVD: ‘Kay, I’m done. Here ya go, dude.
Big Show: Thanks. What was I talking about?
RVD: Uhhh…Kurt Angle? Or something?
Big Show: Heh. I, like, totally forgot what I was gonna say.
RVD: Yeah! All right!
Million Dollar Tough Enough is coming to SmackDown! Everybody’s got a price! Everybody’s gonna pay!
Luther Reigns & John Jindrak vs. Eddie Guerrero & Rob Van Dam
RVD is the mystery partner! Kurt Angle owes Luther Reigns ten big ones. RVD is full of Chex Mix and energy. Five Star Frog Splash to Luther! Five Star Frog Splash to Jindrak! Five Star Frog Splash to Michael Cole! Five Star Frog Splash to some fan with an Undertaker sign! Five Star Frog Splash to RVD! Hey, he’s tired. He deserves a break. I bet Big Show wants to get involved in this match, but he’s still backstage, stumbling in the dark. Looking for the answer. Is there something more to the Chex Mix he’s been handed? Why is Jindrak running away? Oh, the reason is Eddie Guerrero, because he’s spinning out of control. Luckily, he and Luther Reigns are going in the same direction. What the hell is with all the Hoobastank references in this match? Where the hell is Kurt Angle? Why the hell am I asking so many questions that no one is going to answer? Jindrak gets the win when Eddie gets sick of the match and leaves. I don’t blame him, this match needed way more Kane. RVD is sad. Will a victory over Team Frogger cheer him up? Find out next week! Same Bradshaw time, same Bradshaw channel!
This Sunday: Many games of Uno are played, and many dreams are shattered. Walker: Texas Undertaker almost kills JBL, but then decides to kill Hardcore Holly instead, just because. Big Show eats Kurt Angle’s gold medals, thinking they’re filled with chocolate. Booker T faces Slim Cena in a Triple Cage Match, which ends in Oliver Platt winning the U.S. Title. Hilarity ensues.
A quick image tells us that somewhere in Wrestler Heaven, some people are about to serve HARD TIME. Or have their dogs cooked and fed to them. Whichever.
Here’s Kurt Angle.
Angle: God dammit this totally sucks. First I’ve got Vince McMahon all up in my biz-nass about my relationship with Stephanie, then I’ve got Big Show all angry because I shaved his stupid head even though he told me to do it, and on top of it all that creepy Josh Mathews has been lurking outside of my windows for weeks. Well anyway, here’s the deal. I’ve done a bunch of cool stuff in the past, like win Olympic medals and WWE titles, and somehow this is supposed to tie in with my vow to beat Big Show at Uno Mercy. Although honestly, it’d probably be smarter to point out that I’ve beaten Big Show like eight million times before. Heck, I beat him, Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin three-on-one. Sure, I got some help from Zach Gowen, but honestly, how much help do you really think ol’ Stumpy McGee was? So I’ll probably beat Big Show again. Now here are the other members of SmackDown!’s impending Evolution rip-off, Luther Reigns and Ron Jindrak.
Jindrak: Holy crap! I’m on TV! For the SECOND week in a row! Doing something besides beating Shannon Moore on Velocity!
Reigns: Yeah, I’ve been there, man.
Angle: Okay, let’s see. Jindrak, you’re Randy Orton. Luther, you’re Batista. Uhhh…we need somebody to be Ric Flair.
Ernest “The Cat” Miller: Somebody call my momma! I just took your old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WHOOOO!
Angle: Sigh…sadly, you’re probably the best choice right now.
Miller: YES! It’s time for the Cat to make a comeback!
Theodore Long: Holla holla holla.
Angle: Oh, what do you want?
Long: Out, Miller.
Miller: Awww.
Long: Now that that’s taken care of, Kurt, here’s what’s going to go down. Apparently you don’t understand the rules of Uno. This is not a TEAM game, this is a game that’s every man for himself. And that means no Jindrak and no Luther during your match with Big Show.
Reigns: Drag. Well, at least I still have my match with Eddie Guerrero.
Jindrak: And at least I have…wait, I don’t have anything. Hey Theodore, can I have a match at Uno Mercy?
Long: No, but how about I have you squash Shannon Moore on Heat?
Jindrak: (cries)
Angle: Now look. You made Jindrak cry.
Long: Buleedat, playa. Oh, and also Jindrak and Luther have to face Eddie Guerrero and a mystery partner tonight.
Angle: Mystery partner, eh?
Reigns: Ten bucks says RVD.
Angle: I’ll take that bet. My money is on Rey Mysterio.
Jindrak: Hey Theodore, remember when you used to manage me?
Long: Yeah. Boy, how drunk was I when I made THAT decision?
Jindrak: (cries)
Long: Eesh. Not again.
Rico & Charlie Haas vs. Dudley Boyz
Spike Dudley isn’t even at ringside with his brothers. It’s as if he knows in advance that they’re going to job. Possibly because they haven’t won a match in like four months, but who knows. Dawn Marie is your special guest commentator, and what a marvelous job she’s doing.
Michael Cole: Suplex by Haas!
Dawn: I had sex with Haas last night.
Tazz: Fascinating. Haas with the tag to Rico.
Dawn: Did I mention that Charlie and I had sex last night?
Cole: Yeah. Yeah, you did. Rico with a series of kicks to the midsection of D-Von.
Dawn: Charlie Haas and I had sex.
Tazz: We KNOW, Dawn. D-Von with a thumb to the eye, and the Dudleyz retake control of the match.
Dawn: And you see where Charlie and I having sex is weird, right? Because he’s engaged to Jackie Gayda?
Cole: Jesus, Dawn. You really should have mentioned that first.
Dawn: Didn’t I? CharlieHaasandIhadsexbytheway.
Tazz: Sigh. I have to acknowledge her now, don’t I?
Dawn: Me. Charlie Haas. Sex.
Tazz: For hell’s sake, girl. Why is this news? You’ve had sex with the entire SmackDown! locker room.
Cole: Yeah, no kidding. Even I got a piece and I’m about as undesirable as they come.
Dawn: I had sex with Charlie Haas.
(Tazz slaps Dawn)
Jackie: Hey! I was supposed to do that!
Tazz: Sorry Jackie, I couldn’t help it.
Cole: Eesh. I’d rather get with Heidenreich than her again.
Rico: Did somebody mention Heidenreich?
Jackie: Oh, hey Rico.
Rico: What’s going on over here?
Dawn (slowly regaining consciousness): Sex night had Haas me Charlie with last…
(Cole slaps Dawn)
Rico: What the hell’s she babbling about?
Jackie: I think she’s implying that she had sex with Charlie last night.
Rico: So? Everyone’s had sex with Dawn Marie.
Cole: God, what is the POINT of all this?
Tazz: They must need a throwaway match for Uno Mercy.
Dawn: Charlie and I had sex last—
(Rico slaps Dawn)
Rico: You’re right. She IS really annoying.
Tazz: No kidding. Wait, uh, Rico? Aren’t you in this match?
Rico: Oh shoot.
While all this craziness is going on outside the ring, Haas jobs to the Dudleyz. Cheating on your fiancé with Dawn Marie, that’s one thing, but losing to the Dudleyz…now THAT is embarrassing.
Josh Mathews is backstage with Slim Cena.
Mathews: This better be good, Cena. I passed up an opportunity to chase Kurt Angle for this.
Cena: ‘Course it’s going to be good, Clay. All my raps are super-sweet. Which is more than I can say for your music career. Now go play solitaire with yourself while I do a rap about Booker T.
Mathews: Fine. Jerk.
Cena: Ahem.
Hardcore Holly runs up and whacks Cena over the head with a steel pipe.
Hardcore: Oops, you’re not JBL. My bad.
Hey, now Paul Heyman is out screaming at John Heidenreich, who is perched atop the SmackDown! fist.
Heyman: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JOHN! NO MORE POETRY, PLEASE!
Heidenreich: Don’t worry, Paul. I’m not going to jump.
Heyman: Who said anything about jumping? You can do a triple flip twist that gets a 9.8 from the Russian judge for all I care. Just no more poetry.
Heidenreich: No, Paul, I’m not here to pull a Road Warrior Hawk. I’m here to read a poem.
Heyman: DAMMIT JOHN NO!
Some official: I’m pretty sure he can’t hear you.
Heyman: CRAP!
Heidenreich: SHORTY CRUNK
SO FRESH SO CLEAN
SOMETHING POP THAT QUESTION
SOMETHING ASS IN ME
IN MY MIND, THIS ***** IS FINE
WHEN I CAME TO THE CLUB SOMETHING SOMETHING IN TIME…
Heidenreich slips and falls off the fist. Oh snap! Luckily, his fall is broken by Billy Gunn. Oh please oh please oh please don’t let Walker: Texas Undertaker unkill him.
Speaking of Walker: Texas Undertaker, he’s Backstage Without Big Show. In place of Big Show is a big hearse. Neat.
Undertaker: Look at me! I’m in the mid-90’s again! After I killed Gangrel and Viscera last week, I got real nostalgic about the good old days, so I decided to cut an old-timey Undertaker promo. I got the fog machine, and the hearse, and the dark lighting…oh man this is so cool. Really reminds me of some of the opponents I’ve had over the years…Kamala, Giant Gonzalez, King Kong Bundy, the list just goes on and on. And people complain that JBL is a crappy wrestler. Sheesh, people, just look at my list of past opponents. Compared to them, JBL is Bret friggin’ Hart. How often do I feud with someone that isn’t completely devoid of charisma and athleticism? Well anyway, I’ve got to go set up an act of old-time Undertakery for later tonight, so stay tuned.
Here’s JBL with Josh Mathews.
Mathews: What’s with all these interviews? Where’s Kurt?
JBL: Forget Kurt. Where’s Orlando? I’m going to be real unhappy if Walker: Texas Undertaker kills him. I’m in enough trouble for getting Gangrel and Viscera killed. I’m terrified that somebody in 1999 is going to realize that Gangrel is actually Mordecai with blonde hair and Viscera is Typhoon in blackface.
Mathews: Well then let’s not talk about Undertaker. You face Hardcore Holly tonight, don’t you? What about that?
JBL: Alright, Clay. Hey, remember when Hardcore Holly got a main-event push for paying his dues over the years? Yeah, that was real successful. At least I actually got the title. HE just got flattened by Super Macho Man.
Hardcore: Hey! Come on, JBL, have a heart. We’re not all that different. We’ve both been part of subpar tag teams, we’ve both been meaningless Hardcore champions, we’ve both dyed our hair various exciting colors, we’ve both debuted with really retarded gimmicks, we’ve both changed our ring names numerous times…
JBL: Who decided to give you mic time? I thought you were supposed to just hit me with a steel pipe.
Hardcore: Yeah, I sorta whacked Slim Cena with it instead. I thought I’d attack you psychologically instead of physically.
JBL: Not working real well.
Hardcore: Dang.
Looks like we’re going to have us a rematch from last week, but first, here’s Paul London with some fabulous prerecorded comments.
London: Um…uh…I got a nosebleed last week. Then I jobbed to Booker T. That was cool.
NON-TITLE MATCH OF EXCITEMENT~: Booker T vs. Paul London
Paul London has Kleenex stuffed up his nose so he doesn’t get another nosebleed. He looks so goofy that Booker can’t stop laughing, so London has to wrestle most of this match by itself. Every Internet reviewer still gives the match twelve stars, though. Billy Kidman saunters out because he’s jealous that Booker gets to play the role of Underdeveloped Ex-WCW Guy Who Goes Over Paul London. How’s he supposed to beat Paul at Uno Mercy NOW? He’d better get a hell of a lot of Draw Twos. London goes for a 450 splash on Booker, but unfortunately he’s got those Kleenex -2 to Air Maneuverability, so he misses and Booker wins. Kidman goes and tries to steal the Kleenex so he can correctly botch the BOTCHED STAR PRESS OF DOOM~ again, but London won’t give them up, so Kidman just beats him with a stick. It’s on like neck bone at No Mercy! Tony! Tony! Can I ax you a question, Tony!
Oh hey, just in case you forgot, Carlito Caribbean Cool is still coming to WWE. Yeah, he was totally going to remind you last week, but Hulk Hogan stole his TV time. That a-hole. Anyway, he’ll be here next week. About time. Five bucks says he goes over Scotty 2-Jobby.
NON-TITLE MATCH OF EXCITEMENT~: John Bradshaw Layfield vs. Hardcore Holly
I just realized this is the first time I have actually spelled out JBL’s full name in this satire. Isn’t that interesting. I was going to say that Hardcore Holly is just happy to be here tonight, but actually, he keeps showing up on SmackDown! for some reason. Whatever happened to his feud with the Dudley Boyz over who the bigger jobber was? Hardcore Holly actually hits the Sheeba Shabba Slam somehow. He also hits the WORLD’S BEST DROPKICK~ at some point. Isn’t that what they call Randy Orton’s dropkick on RAW? Scandalous! JBL gets disqualified for insider trading. Hardcore Holly gets a DQ win over the champion! Just like Shelton Benjamin did on RAW! And both champions go by three-letter abbreviations of their ring names! And both are despised by every wrestling fan on earth with a computer! Score.
Undertaker: Hey, JBL. Guess what I did.
JBL: Did you bake me a pie?
Undertaker: Guess again.
JBL: Uh…did you knit me a sweater?
Undertaker: Strike two.
JBL: Did you crucify Orlando Jordan?
Undertaker: Damn! You got me!
JBL: Oh Undertaker, you sly devil you.
Undertaker: But I didn’t CRUCIFY him. I…um…symbolfied him.
JBL: Uh huh. If that’s a symbol, then what does it symbolize?
Undertaker: It symbolizes that, uh…that I’m going to totally hold you down on Sunday and take your title, baby, YEAH!
JBL: Pshh. You’ve lost gimmick matches for the WWE Title at the last two Uno Mercies. What makes you think this one will be any different?
Undertaker: Well, you’re not exactly Brock Lesnar there, John. Or even Brock Lesnar’s chauffeur.
JBL: Good point. Hey, how do you reckon we’re going to get Orlando down?
Undertaker: No clue.
Jordan: Holy embarrassing Attitude Era flashbacks, Bradshaw!
NON-TITLE MATCH OF EXCITEMENT~: Spike Dudley vs. Nunzio
Wow, three NON-TITLE MATCHES OF EXCITEMENT~ in a row. I can hardly be blamed for going nuts on the tildes this week. Maybe Team Frogger will get added to tonight’s main event for the grand slam. Or maybe they’ll both be Eddie Guerrero’s mystery partner. Don’t ask me how that’s possible, I’m just thinking out loud. Or…thinking on paper. Or thinking on a web site. Shut up. Spike decided to bring his brothers with him for this match, because he’s impressed that they didn’t lose to Rico and Haas earlier tonight. They try to drop bowling balls on Nunzio’s head, but Johnny Stamboli distracts them and they end up bonking themselves on the head with the bowling balls, and Spike gets so embarrassed he jobs. Nunzio wins!
RAW Rewind: Orton falls over and Evolution wins. How did that happen? But hey, that means he’s out of the running for the World Title shot at Taboo Tuesday. They all laughed at me when I put twenty bucks on Max Moon, but WHO’S LAUGHING NOW??!
Looks like we’re Backstage With Big Show again. About time he showed up for his own frigging show. Show show show. Showity show.
Big Show: So, like…I wake up Friday and all my hair is missing. WTF, man? This is all sooooooo Kurt Angle’s fault. And at Uno Mercy, I’m going to…um…to…hey, who put the lights out? Duuuuuude. This is sooooooo weird. It’s like…all spooky and stuff. Hey! Who’s there?
RVD: Yoink!
Big Show: Hey! That’s my Chex Mix! Give it back!
RVD: Hee hee.
Big Show: I’ll get you, RVD! Soon as these lights come back on!
RVD: Chill out, man. I’m just getting a handful. You can have the rest back.
Big Show: Well, you better not take too many pretzels. The pretzels are the best part.
RVD: ‘Kay, I’m done. Here ya go, dude.
Big Show: Thanks. What was I talking about?
RVD: Uhhh…Kurt Angle? Or something?
Big Show: Heh. I, like, totally forgot what I was gonna say.
RVD: Yeah! All right!
Million Dollar Tough Enough is coming to SmackDown! Everybody’s got a price! Everybody’s gonna pay!
Luther Reigns & John Jindrak vs. Eddie Guerrero & Rob Van Dam
RVD is the mystery partner! Kurt Angle owes Luther Reigns ten big ones. RVD is full of Chex Mix and energy. Five Star Frog Splash to Luther! Five Star Frog Splash to Jindrak! Five Star Frog Splash to Michael Cole! Five Star Frog Splash to some fan with an Undertaker sign! Five Star Frog Splash to RVD! Hey, he’s tired. He deserves a break. I bet Big Show wants to get involved in this match, but he’s still backstage, stumbling in the dark. Looking for the answer. Is there something more to the Chex Mix he’s been handed? Why is Jindrak running away? Oh, the reason is Eddie Guerrero, because he’s spinning out of control. Luckily, he and Luther Reigns are going in the same direction. What the hell is with all the Hoobastank references in this match? Where the hell is Kurt Angle? Why the hell am I asking so many questions that no one is going to answer? Jindrak gets the win when Eddie gets sick of the match and leaves. I don’t blame him, this match needed way more Kane. RVD is sad. Will a victory over Team Frogger cheer him up? Find out next week! Same Bradshaw time, same Bradshaw channel!
This Sunday: Many games of Uno are played, and many dreams are shattered. Walker: Texas Undertaker almost kills JBL, but then decides to kill Hardcore Holly instead, just because. Big Show eats Kurt Angle’s gold medals, thinking they’re filled with chocolate. Booker T faces Slim Cena in a Triple Cage Match, which ends in Oliver Platt winning the U.S. Title. Hilarity ensues.