GARTHIsTheLaw
League Member
Last week: An OMG PANDA SWERVE~ helped Kurt Angle regain his watch from Eddie Guerrero, John Heidenreich killed Paul London, and the WWE champion was in a meaningless segment involving Charlie Haas. Will JBL do something meaningless…TONIGHT?
GM Theodore Long is in his office. Yay!
Long: Holla holla holla. I’m here to address the pandamonium that went down last week during the main event. And also to say some more of my catch phrases. Buleedat, playa. Now then, I’ve decided that because of panda-related interference, there’s still been no clear winner between Kurt Angle and Eddie Guerrero, and we have yet to see who truly deserves Kurt Angle’s watch. So tonight, we’re going to have a very special main event: a Lumber-Panda match. On one side of the ring will be WWE superstars, and on the other side will be a horde of vicious pandas. This battle between Kurt and Eddie ends tonight. Unless the match ends in a monumental screwjob. Oh no! I’ve said too much!
Long immediately swallows two cyanide caplets to prevent himself from leaking more information. Unfortunately, someone switched his cyanide with calcium tablets, so instead of dying, he just develops strong bones. Well, that’s cool too.
NON-TITLE MATCH OF EXCITEMENT~!: JBL vs. Charlie Haas
And I was worried JBL might do something dull tonight. I’m glad JBL is bringing back the championship squash match with people like Spike Dudley and Shannon Moore. Bring in Glacier to lose a match or two and JBL will be the new Goldberg, only instead of his opponents FEARING THE SPEAR, they’ll FEAR THE CLOTHESLINE FROM FOX NEWS! Say what you will about his ending Bret Hart’s career, I think Goldberg’s biggest failing has to do with the lack of SLAM! sunbursts when he spears people. What? Oh right, the match. JBL wins when Haas gets bored and quits. WHACK! And hey look, JBL is going to grace us with a promo. I’m all a-twitter.
JBL: That was real hard. And certainly not an enormous waste of everyone’s time.
Orlando Jordan: Holy pointless squash matches, Bradshaw!
JBL: Yessir, it’s JBL’s time in the sun, and I hereby declare myself King Almighty of the Squash Match. You may now worship at my feet. But there’s one man who just won’t ever allow himself to be squashed, and that’s Walker: Texas Undertaker. Well, that’s all well and good there, Taker, but if you won’t be squashed, you can’t be a contender for my championship utility belt. So on that note, I just got me a brand-new can of Bradshaw-Backstage Pull Repellant, so your days of challenging for my title are over. I’ll be having a funeral for you in two weeks, and I can’t imagine anything will go wrong with that in the next five seconds here.
Long: Holla holla holla.
Jordan: Holy unexpected swerve, Bradshaw!
JBL: I think everyone was expecting that, old chum.
Long: You know, JBL, you can’t just pick and choose who gets to contend for your title. Who do you think you are, Triple H?
JBL: Well, I DO almost always go by a three-letter abbreviation of my ring name.
Long: Abbreviate all you want, but you still have to defend your title against Walker: Texas Undertaker at Uno Mercy.
JBL: But I don’t wanna!
Long: And it won’t be just a normal match. Because this is going to be at Uno Mercy, I’m making your match a Last Ride match. Just running out of cards before your opponent does won’t suffice; after you do that, you still have to stuff your opponent in the back of a hearse.
JBL: That’s the dumbest stipulation ever.
Long: Isn’t it? But you and Walker: Texas Undertaker are both fantastic workers, so I’m sure the match will be a classic.
Jordan: Holy contrived stipulations, Bradshaw!
Carlito Caribbean Cool is coming, just in case you didn’t know. Oh, you didn’t know? Well, yo’ ass betta CAAALLLLLLLL SOMEBODYYYYYYY! Just like Carlito does when he steals some guy’s cell phone. Ooh, burn!
TAG TEAM TITLES: Team Velocity vs. Kenzo Suzuki & Rene Dupree
You know what would be a great collective name for Suzuki & Dupree? Team Frogger. Because you see, Frogger is a video game that was created in Japan, where Kenzo is from, and Dupree is a French guy, known in derogatory circles as a “Frog.” Not that I have anything against French people, mind you, I just figure that if there’s any French person who needs to be degraded, it’s Rene Dupree. And maybe also Gerard Depardieu. Apparently, John Heidenreich failed to successfully kill Paul London last week, but he did succeed in preventing London’s ability to throw credible punches. London is the new Lita. Only better-looking. Ha! I keed, I keed. Once again, Billy Kidman fails to botch the BOTCHED STAR PRESS OF DOOM~, and he runs off crying. That leaves London alone with Team Frogger, and even Rene Dupree can’t lose in a two-on-one situation, so Team Frogger wins the Tag Team Titles! Jamie Noble is sad. As a title push is eliminated because of an injured partner, so are the days of our lives.
Backstage, Paul London wants to know what’s up.
London: Hey Billy.
Kidman: Hey Paul.
London: You walked out on our match.
Kidman: Yup.
London: Why?
Kidman: I dunno.
London: So…
Kidman: Um…
London: Uh…
Kidman: Er…
London: Man, we gotta get some mic skills.
Kidman: No kidding.
London: Yup.
Kidman: Mm-hmm.
Hey! We’re still backstage! Now it’s Booker T Time.
Long: Holla holla holla.
Booker: That’s nine hollas tonight, Long. This better be important.
Long: Look, playa, I’m in a bad spot and I need your help. The pandas are getting restless, and I’m going to need more wrestlers to balance them out.
Booker: Come on, man, I’m already changed out of my wrestling gear.
Long: Well then, I guess you’ll just have to change back.
Booker: Why?
Long: Because if you don’t, I’ll just get Slim Cena to take those spiffy stylin’-and-profilin’ clothes off for you.
Booker: He’d LIKE to get his hands on my Dress Shoes +2 v. Pandas, wouldn’t he? Well I ain’t havin’ THAT!
Long: Good good. Carry on.
Booker: Damned pandas, always cramping my style. They’re worse than Triple H.
CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE: Spike Dudley vs. Rey Mysterio
Rey Mysterio dazzles everyone with his high-flying for about ten seconds. Then Spike stubs his toe and tells his brothers to come in and beat Rey with a stick for awhile. They oblige. But then Hardcore Holly decides to get involved just because he can. Rob Van Dam wanders out to the ring to see if anyone has some Skittles he can mooch, and the referee decides to be edgy and turn this match into a six-man tag. Oh no he DI-N’T!
The Dudleys vs. Rey Mysterio, Rob Van Dam & Hardcore Holly
The Dudleys are upset that the referee decided to do this and try to walk out. Yeah, too bad Spike doesn’t get to lose his title now, boys. Crybabies. But then they all realize that walking out will mean a loss to Hardcore Holly, and that’s a fate worse than death, so it’s back to the ring for them. RVD can’t figure out why he has to wrestle when all he really wanted was some Skittles. Those are the breaks, RVD. Life can’t be all Skittles and Tang. Actually, D-Von does have some Skittles, but he’s not about to share them with RVD, so RVD chases him off and Bubba follows, resulting in a comical three-man chase around the ring. Spike jobs somewhere in the confusion. Rey’s team wins! But RVD doesn’t get his Skittles. Poor RVD.
Josh Mathews is backstage with Kurt Angle.
Mathews: Kurt, your thoughts on tonight’s Lumber-Panda match?
Angle: Man, I don’t know what the hell those crazy pandas are thinking. Last week, one takes out Luther Reigns, and then he takes out Eddie Guerrero. All I know is, I finally got my watch back, and now Theodore Long wants me to put it on the line against Eddie Guerrero? It’s ridiculous, Josh.
Mathews: Well, that may be, but—wait. What did you call me?
Angle: Um…I called you your name.
Mathews: You called me Josh!
Angle: That’s your name, isn’t it? Josh Mathews?
Mathews: You…you don’t think I’m Clay Aiken?
Angle: Who’s that?
Mathews: (stunned silence)
Angle: What’s the matter with you?
~~~FLASHBACK~~~
Madame Esmerelda: Fortune for a quarter? I love quarters!
Mathews: Oh, Madame Esmerelda, will people ever stop mistaking me for Clay Aiken?
Esmerelda: It will be a long time, young one, before anyone realizes who you truly are.
Mathews: But will the day ever come?
Esmerelda: It will come one day. One day, a very special person will see you for who you really are.
Mathews: Yes! Yes! Tell me more about this person!
Esmerelda: I cannot see this person – my vision is clouded. But once you find this person, you must never let them go, for only they shall truly understand you.
Mathews: I will! I will! Thank you so much, Madame Esmerelda!
Esmerelda: Fortune for a quarter? I love quarters!
Ernest “The Cat” Miller: Will I ever get my job back with WWE?
Esmerelda: Nope.
Miller: Never? Are you sure?
Esmerelda: Absolutely. You’re screwed.
Miller: Wait a minute, I know that voice. Kevin, is that you?
Esmerelda: Um…no. Certainly not.
Miller: Yes it is! I know that’s you in there, Sullivan!
Esmerelda: Fortune for a quarter? I love quarters!
Miller: (grumble grumble)
Jimmy Hart: Taskmaster! Taskmaster!
Sullivan: What?
Hart: How are we still in Clay Aiken’s flashback if he already left?
Sullivan: That wasn’t Ryan Seacrest? Shoot. I hope he doesn’t take that fortune too seriously.
~~~UN-FLASHBACK~~~
Angle: Did Walker: Texas Undertaker forget to unkill a part of your brain? ‘Cause you’re freaking me out.
Mathews: (stunned silence)
Angle: Weirdo.
Angle walks off. Josh stares after him longingly.
Mathews: I…I love you.
Billy Gunn: ‘Sup, Clay?
Mathews: You can’t bother me now! I’ve found someone!
Josh runs off. Billy just stands there confused.
Slim Cena is in the ring with a mic.
Cena: Yo yo yo yo YO YO YO YO—
A panda mauls Cena before he can say anything else. I bet Cena wishes he had those Dress Shoes +2 v. Pandas now. And I was SO looking forward to Cena’s rap. Maybe he was going to accuse Booker T of being gay, but now we’ll never know.
Guess what? In case you forgot, Carlito Caribbean Cool is still coming to WWE. He isn’t stuck in traffic or anything, so you can still expect him on schedule, he’s just checking in.
Paul Heyman is backstage, and here comes Theodore Long. I predict some holla-ing in the near future.
Long: Holla holla holla. (Yes! I’m awesome!)
Heyman: Um…holla.
Long: I’m just going to cut right to the chase. Your boy Heidenreich is out of control.
Heyman: Oh come on. It’s perfectly all right for you to unleash a horde of bloodthirsty pandas on this arena, but I let Heidenreich kill an announcer and a cruiserweight and you get all touchy.
Long: Hey, it may seem funny to you, but Heidenreich damn near lost this company one of its most valuable employees. And then the next week he beat up Paul London.
Heyman: Well, it just so happens that I gave Heidenreich the night off to go play with bunnies at the petting zoo, so he can’t get into any mischief tonight.
Long: Be that as it may, I’m still putting you in a match tonight against one of the most dangerous men on SmackDown!.
Heyman: Oh Lord. Luther Reigns?
Long: Worse.
Heyman: Walker: Texas Undertaker?
Long: Worse.
Heyman: Well then who?
Long: Let’s just say it’s an announcer.
Heyman: Uh huh.
Michael Cole: Ooh! Pick me! Pick me! Put me in, coach!
Long: Cole, why the hell would you want to be in this match?
Cole: I have a history of making very poor decisions.
Heyman: It’s on!
Long: Dammit. If only the cyanide had worked.
All right! Cole vs. Heyman! It’s about time this night got some OMG WORKRATE~! But wait, it looks like it’s going to be Heyman vs. Funaki. Awww.
Paul Heyman vs. Funaki
Funaki is just happy to be here tonight. That happiness lasts for about ten seconds before John Heidenreich shows up and kills him. Oh snap! Heidenreich then attempts to kill Michael Cole, but he’s distracted by a panda at ringside and Cole scampers off. Okay, so far John Heidenreich has run off one announcer and killed two others. Looks like it’s going to be Bill DeMott and Tazz from here on out. I’m looking forward to THAT.
DeMott: Well, Tazz, I’d say the DEMOTT TURNING POINT of this match was Mysterio missing the 619.
Tazz: Bill, I’d say the turning point of your career was having your name changed to Hugh G. Rection.
DeMott: Do you HAVE to go there?
Tazz: Christ. I beat Kurt friggin’ Angle in my debut, and now I’m on announcer duty with Hugh Morrus. What have I done with my life?
DeMott: You know, I’ve had about enough of you.
Tazz: What are you going to do? Hit me with your moonsault? You know as well as I do that any sort of physical activity will cause you to spontaneously combust now.
DeMott: Nuh-uh!
Tazz: Yes-huh!
DeMott: Nuh-uh!
Tazz: Yes-huh infinity!
DeMott: Nuh-uh infinity plus one!
Tazz: There’s nothing higher than infinity.
DeMott: You’re mean.
Tazz: Cram it.
Tonight’s SmackDown! Throwback is Vince McMahon getting his face plastered into Rikishi’s ass by the Rock. Remember when Rikishi was a credible wrestler? Remember when the Rock was actually on TV? Remember when Vince wasn’t in such retarded sketches? Remember when Brasky taught his son how to drive? He taught his son how to drive by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Brasky said, “It would’ve happened sooner or later.”
RAW Rewind: The main event gets restarted, and we all know what that means: more Kane for everyone! It’s a shame he had to keep falling over, though. ORTON WINS!
LUMBER-PANDA MATCH: Kurt Angle vs. Eddie Guerrero
There’s a lot of tension between the pandas and wrestlers, but they’re managing to stay away from each other for now. Angle’s shininess blinds Eddie, and he tumbles out into the wrestlers, who throw him back in before the pandas can get him. Eddie throws Angle to the pandas, but he gets back in the ring before the pandas can get him. The pandas are starting to get restless; the amount of pandamonium in this match has been very low. Angle is wearing down Eddie with a combination of mat wrestling and shininess, but as a last resort, Eddie grabs Angle’s watch and throws it to the pandas. What will Kurt do? Find out next week, same Bradshaw time, same Bradshaw channel!
Oh, okay fine, I’ll tell you, but JUST THIS ONCE. Kurt borrows Booker T’s Dress Shoes +2 v. Pandas and uses them to fend off the pandas long enough to retrieve his watch. But that distraction allows Eddie to get the advantage. Luther Reigns gets tired of RVD asking him if he has any Skittles and he gets in the ring, sending the pandas into a rage. Suddenly, it’s an all-out brawl between pandas and wrestlers that threatens to destroy both sides! And there’s only one man who can stop it! I am, of course, talking about none other than the one, the only…
…
…
…
…
What? You’re SURE it isn’t Ernest “The Cat” Miller? Positive? Well, suck. Speaking of “well,” though, WE-HEEEELLLLLLLL IT’S THE BIG SHOW! Vice President Big Show has returned, he’s confused, he’s got the munchies, and he’s headed for the ring. You don’t need to be a rocket scientist – or even a second-rate satirist – to know what’s about to happen. When it’s all said and done, there’s nothing left but a ring full of confused wrestlers, a pile of panda bones, and a Big Show with a very important announcement to make:
Big Show: I’M FULL!
Next week: Josh Mathews buys Kurt Angle flowers and chocolates, but can’t bring himself to say what he wants to say, making for a very confused Kurt. Slim Cena and Booker T meet in the fourth match of their series, a Duchess of Queensbury Match. Taco Bell announces Big Show as the spokesman for its new Panda Burrito, and hilarity ensues.
GM Theodore Long is in his office. Yay!
Long: Holla holla holla. I’m here to address the pandamonium that went down last week during the main event. And also to say some more of my catch phrases. Buleedat, playa. Now then, I’ve decided that because of panda-related interference, there’s still been no clear winner between Kurt Angle and Eddie Guerrero, and we have yet to see who truly deserves Kurt Angle’s watch. So tonight, we’re going to have a very special main event: a Lumber-Panda match. On one side of the ring will be WWE superstars, and on the other side will be a horde of vicious pandas. This battle between Kurt and Eddie ends tonight. Unless the match ends in a monumental screwjob. Oh no! I’ve said too much!
Long immediately swallows two cyanide caplets to prevent himself from leaking more information. Unfortunately, someone switched his cyanide with calcium tablets, so instead of dying, he just develops strong bones. Well, that’s cool too.
NON-TITLE MATCH OF EXCITEMENT~!: JBL vs. Charlie Haas
And I was worried JBL might do something dull tonight. I’m glad JBL is bringing back the championship squash match with people like Spike Dudley and Shannon Moore. Bring in Glacier to lose a match or two and JBL will be the new Goldberg, only instead of his opponents FEARING THE SPEAR, they’ll FEAR THE CLOTHESLINE FROM FOX NEWS! Say what you will about his ending Bret Hart’s career, I think Goldberg’s biggest failing has to do with the lack of SLAM! sunbursts when he spears people. What? Oh right, the match. JBL wins when Haas gets bored and quits. WHACK! And hey look, JBL is going to grace us with a promo. I’m all a-twitter.
JBL: That was real hard. And certainly not an enormous waste of everyone’s time.
Orlando Jordan: Holy pointless squash matches, Bradshaw!
JBL: Yessir, it’s JBL’s time in the sun, and I hereby declare myself King Almighty of the Squash Match. You may now worship at my feet. But there’s one man who just won’t ever allow himself to be squashed, and that’s Walker: Texas Undertaker. Well, that’s all well and good there, Taker, but if you won’t be squashed, you can’t be a contender for my championship utility belt. So on that note, I just got me a brand-new can of Bradshaw-Backstage Pull Repellant, so your days of challenging for my title are over. I’ll be having a funeral for you in two weeks, and I can’t imagine anything will go wrong with that in the next five seconds here.
Long: Holla holla holla.
Jordan: Holy unexpected swerve, Bradshaw!
JBL: I think everyone was expecting that, old chum.
Long: You know, JBL, you can’t just pick and choose who gets to contend for your title. Who do you think you are, Triple H?
JBL: Well, I DO almost always go by a three-letter abbreviation of my ring name.
Long: Abbreviate all you want, but you still have to defend your title against Walker: Texas Undertaker at Uno Mercy.
JBL: But I don’t wanna!
Long: And it won’t be just a normal match. Because this is going to be at Uno Mercy, I’m making your match a Last Ride match. Just running out of cards before your opponent does won’t suffice; after you do that, you still have to stuff your opponent in the back of a hearse.
JBL: That’s the dumbest stipulation ever.
Long: Isn’t it? But you and Walker: Texas Undertaker are both fantastic workers, so I’m sure the match will be a classic.
Jordan: Holy contrived stipulations, Bradshaw!
Carlito Caribbean Cool is coming, just in case you didn’t know. Oh, you didn’t know? Well, yo’ ass betta CAAALLLLLLLL SOMEBODYYYYYYY! Just like Carlito does when he steals some guy’s cell phone. Ooh, burn!
TAG TEAM TITLES: Team Velocity vs. Kenzo Suzuki & Rene Dupree
You know what would be a great collective name for Suzuki & Dupree? Team Frogger. Because you see, Frogger is a video game that was created in Japan, where Kenzo is from, and Dupree is a French guy, known in derogatory circles as a “Frog.” Not that I have anything against French people, mind you, I just figure that if there’s any French person who needs to be degraded, it’s Rene Dupree. And maybe also Gerard Depardieu. Apparently, John Heidenreich failed to successfully kill Paul London last week, but he did succeed in preventing London’s ability to throw credible punches. London is the new Lita. Only better-looking. Ha! I keed, I keed. Once again, Billy Kidman fails to botch the BOTCHED STAR PRESS OF DOOM~, and he runs off crying. That leaves London alone with Team Frogger, and even Rene Dupree can’t lose in a two-on-one situation, so Team Frogger wins the Tag Team Titles! Jamie Noble is sad. As a title push is eliminated because of an injured partner, so are the days of our lives.
Backstage, Paul London wants to know what’s up.
London: Hey Billy.
Kidman: Hey Paul.
London: You walked out on our match.
Kidman: Yup.
London: Why?
Kidman: I dunno.
London: So…
Kidman: Um…
London: Uh…
Kidman: Er…
London: Man, we gotta get some mic skills.
Kidman: No kidding.
London: Yup.
Kidman: Mm-hmm.
Hey! We’re still backstage! Now it’s Booker T Time.
Long: Holla holla holla.
Booker: That’s nine hollas tonight, Long. This better be important.
Long: Look, playa, I’m in a bad spot and I need your help. The pandas are getting restless, and I’m going to need more wrestlers to balance them out.
Booker: Come on, man, I’m already changed out of my wrestling gear.
Long: Well then, I guess you’ll just have to change back.
Booker: Why?
Long: Because if you don’t, I’ll just get Slim Cena to take those spiffy stylin’-and-profilin’ clothes off for you.
Booker: He’d LIKE to get his hands on my Dress Shoes +2 v. Pandas, wouldn’t he? Well I ain’t havin’ THAT!
Long: Good good. Carry on.
Booker: Damned pandas, always cramping my style. They’re worse than Triple H.
CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE: Spike Dudley vs. Rey Mysterio
Rey Mysterio dazzles everyone with his high-flying for about ten seconds. Then Spike stubs his toe and tells his brothers to come in and beat Rey with a stick for awhile. They oblige. But then Hardcore Holly decides to get involved just because he can. Rob Van Dam wanders out to the ring to see if anyone has some Skittles he can mooch, and the referee decides to be edgy and turn this match into a six-man tag. Oh no he DI-N’T!
The Dudleys vs. Rey Mysterio, Rob Van Dam & Hardcore Holly
The Dudleys are upset that the referee decided to do this and try to walk out. Yeah, too bad Spike doesn’t get to lose his title now, boys. Crybabies. But then they all realize that walking out will mean a loss to Hardcore Holly, and that’s a fate worse than death, so it’s back to the ring for them. RVD can’t figure out why he has to wrestle when all he really wanted was some Skittles. Those are the breaks, RVD. Life can’t be all Skittles and Tang. Actually, D-Von does have some Skittles, but he’s not about to share them with RVD, so RVD chases him off and Bubba follows, resulting in a comical three-man chase around the ring. Spike jobs somewhere in the confusion. Rey’s team wins! But RVD doesn’t get his Skittles. Poor RVD.
Josh Mathews is backstage with Kurt Angle.
Mathews: Kurt, your thoughts on tonight’s Lumber-Panda match?
Angle: Man, I don’t know what the hell those crazy pandas are thinking. Last week, one takes out Luther Reigns, and then he takes out Eddie Guerrero. All I know is, I finally got my watch back, and now Theodore Long wants me to put it on the line against Eddie Guerrero? It’s ridiculous, Josh.
Mathews: Well, that may be, but—wait. What did you call me?
Angle: Um…I called you your name.
Mathews: You called me Josh!
Angle: That’s your name, isn’t it? Josh Mathews?
Mathews: You…you don’t think I’m Clay Aiken?
Angle: Who’s that?
Mathews: (stunned silence)
Angle: What’s the matter with you?
~~~FLASHBACK~~~
Madame Esmerelda: Fortune for a quarter? I love quarters!
Mathews: Oh, Madame Esmerelda, will people ever stop mistaking me for Clay Aiken?
Esmerelda: It will be a long time, young one, before anyone realizes who you truly are.
Mathews: But will the day ever come?
Esmerelda: It will come one day. One day, a very special person will see you for who you really are.
Mathews: Yes! Yes! Tell me more about this person!
Esmerelda: I cannot see this person – my vision is clouded. But once you find this person, you must never let them go, for only they shall truly understand you.
Mathews: I will! I will! Thank you so much, Madame Esmerelda!
Esmerelda: Fortune for a quarter? I love quarters!
Ernest “The Cat” Miller: Will I ever get my job back with WWE?
Esmerelda: Nope.
Miller: Never? Are you sure?
Esmerelda: Absolutely. You’re screwed.
Miller: Wait a minute, I know that voice. Kevin, is that you?
Esmerelda: Um…no. Certainly not.
Miller: Yes it is! I know that’s you in there, Sullivan!
Esmerelda: Fortune for a quarter? I love quarters!
Miller: (grumble grumble)
Jimmy Hart: Taskmaster! Taskmaster!
Sullivan: What?
Hart: How are we still in Clay Aiken’s flashback if he already left?
Sullivan: That wasn’t Ryan Seacrest? Shoot. I hope he doesn’t take that fortune too seriously.
~~~UN-FLASHBACK~~~
Angle: Did Walker: Texas Undertaker forget to unkill a part of your brain? ‘Cause you’re freaking me out.
Mathews: (stunned silence)
Angle: Weirdo.
Angle walks off. Josh stares after him longingly.
Mathews: I…I love you.
Billy Gunn: ‘Sup, Clay?
Mathews: You can’t bother me now! I’ve found someone!
Josh runs off. Billy just stands there confused.
Slim Cena is in the ring with a mic.
Cena: Yo yo yo yo YO YO YO YO—
A panda mauls Cena before he can say anything else. I bet Cena wishes he had those Dress Shoes +2 v. Pandas now. And I was SO looking forward to Cena’s rap. Maybe he was going to accuse Booker T of being gay, but now we’ll never know.
Guess what? In case you forgot, Carlito Caribbean Cool is still coming to WWE. He isn’t stuck in traffic or anything, so you can still expect him on schedule, he’s just checking in.
Paul Heyman is backstage, and here comes Theodore Long. I predict some holla-ing in the near future.
Long: Holla holla holla. (Yes! I’m awesome!)
Heyman: Um…holla.
Long: I’m just going to cut right to the chase. Your boy Heidenreich is out of control.
Heyman: Oh come on. It’s perfectly all right for you to unleash a horde of bloodthirsty pandas on this arena, but I let Heidenreich kill an announcer and a cruiserweight and you get all touchy.
Long: Hey, it may seem funny to you, but Heidenreich damn near lost this company one of its most valuable employees. And then the next week he beat up Paul London.
Heyman: Well, it just so happens that I gave Heidenreich the night off to go play with bunnies at the petting zoo, so he can’t get into any mischief tonight.
Long: Be that as it may, I’m still putting you in a match tonight against one of the most dangerous men on SmackDown!.
Heyman: Oh Lord. Luther Reigns?
Long: Worse.
Heyman: Walker: Texas Undertaker?
Long: Worse.
Heyman: Well then who?
Long: Let’s just say it’s an announcer.
Heyman: Uh huh.
Michael Cole: Ooh! Pick me! Pick me! Put me in, coach!
Long: Cole, why the hell would you want to be in this match?
Cole: I have a history of making very poor decisions.
Heyman: It’s on!
Long: Dammit. If only the cyanide had worked.
All right! Cole vs. Heyman! It’s about time this night got some OMG WORKRATE~! But wait, it looks like it’s going to be Heyman vs. Funaki. Awww.
Paul Heyman vs. Funaki
Funaki is just happy to be here tonight. That happiness lasts for about ten seconds before John Heidenreich shows up and kills him. Oh snap! Heidenreich then attempts to kill Michael Cole, but he’s distracted by a panda at ringside and Cole scampers off. Okay, so far John Heidenreich has run off one announcer and killed two others. Looks like it’s going to be Bill DeMott and Tazz from here on out. I’m looking forward to THAT.
DeMott: Well, Tazz, I’d say the DEMOTT TURNING POINT of this match was Mysterio missing the 619.
Tazz: Bill, I’d say the turning point of your career was having your name changed to Hugh G. Rection.
DeMott: Do you HAVE to go there?
Tazz: Christ. I beat Kurt friggin’ Angle in my debut, and now I’m on announcer duty with Hugh Morrus. What have I done with my life?
DeMott: You know, I’ve had about enough of you.
Tazz: What are you going to do? Hit me with your moonsault? You know as well as I do that any sort of physical activity will cause you to spontaneously combust now.
DeMott: Nuh-uh!
Tazz: Yes-huh!
DeMott: Nuh-uh!
Tazz: Yes-huh infinity!
DeMott: Nuh-uh infinity plus one!
Tazz: There’s nothing higher than infinity.
DeMott: You’re mean.
Tazz: Cram it.
Tonight’s SmackDown! Throwback is Vince McMahon getting his face plastered into Rikishi’s ass by the Rock. Remember when Rikishi was a credible wrestler? Remember when the Rock was actually on TV? Remember when Vince wasn’t in such retarded sketches? Remember when Brasky taught his son how to drive? He taught his son how to drive by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Brasky said, “It would’ve happened sooner or later.”
RAW Rewind: The main event gets restarted, and we all know what that means: more Kane for everyone! It’s a shame he had to keep falling over, though. ORTON WINS!
LUMBER-PANDA MATCH: Kurt Angle vs. Eddie Guerrero
There’s a lot of tension between the pandas and wrestlers, but they’re managing to stay away from each other for now. Angle’s shininess blinds Eddie, and he tumbles out into the wrestlers, who throw him back in before the pandas can get him. Eddie throws Angle to the pandas, but he gets back in the ring before the pandas can get him. The pandas are starting to get restless; the amount of pandamonium in this match has been very low. Angle is wearing down Eddie with a combination of mat wrestling and shininess, but as a last resort, Eddie grabs Angle’s watch and throws it to the pandas. What will Kurt do? Find out next week, same Bradshaw time, same Bradshaw channel!
Oh, okay fine, I’ll tell you, but JUST THIS ONCE. Kurt borrows Booker T’s Dress Shoes +2 v. Pandas and uses them to fend off the pandas long enough to retrieve his watch. But that distraction allows Eddie to get the advantage. Luther Reigns gets tired of RVD asking him if he has any Skittles and he gets in the ring, sending the pandas into a rage. Suddenly, it’s an all-out brawl between pandas and wrestlers that threatens to destroy both sides! And there’s only one man who can stop it! I am, of course, talking about none other than the one, the only…
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What? You’re SURE it isn’t Ernest “The Cat” Miller? Positive? Well, suck. Speaking of “well,” though, WE-HEEEELLLLLLLL IT’S THE BIG SHOW! Vice President Big Show has returned, he’s confused, he’s got the munchies, and he’s headed for the ring. You don’t need to be a rocket scientist – or even a second-rate satirist – to know what’s about to happen. When it’s all said and done, there’s nothing left but a ring full of confused wrestlers, a pile of panda bones, and a Big Show with a very important announcement to make:
Big Show: I’M FULL!
Next week: Josh Mathews buys Kurt Angle flowers and chocolates, but can’t bring himself to say what he wants to say, making for a very confused Kurt. Slim Cena and Booker T meet in the fourth match of their series, a Duchess of Queensbury Match. Taco Bell announces Big Show as the spokesman for its new Panda Burrito, and hilarity ensues.