jediPREZ
Shadowboss
V/O: "Welcome to your first lesson in PROFESSIONAL Square Dancing! Today performing the 'Ballad of Shane Southern' is PROFESSIONAL 'Cocky' Craig Miles!" (canned applause)
(FADEIN: 'COCKY' CRAIG MILES standing on a stage with a boombox and microphone. He's wearing a cowboy hat, chaps, boots, spurs and a plaid cowboy shirt. On the floor are PI - in a similar costume and SHAMON - obviously not informed and in traditional 'BAD' era garb. MILES turns on the boombox which starts playing a country jamboreeish song...)
MILES: (in mock Southern accent) "WOOOOOOO DOGGIE! Nuttin' lahk a good 'ol fashioned square dance song about Shane Southern! Now grab yer partner by the hand!"
PI: "HELL NO! I'm not touching this freak!"
SHAMON: "OWWWW! CRAIGY IS THIS OK? SO, CRAIGY IS THIS OK? IS THIS OK, CRAIGY? OW! SHAMON! HEE HEEEEEEE!"
(MILES clicks off the boombox, drops the mic and jumps off the stage with a serious look on his face - he grabs both men by the collar!)
SHAMON: "HEE! HEEEEEEE! OWWWWW!"
MILES: "Listen, either you two do dance or when these cameras are off I'm gonna rip BOTH yer heads off!"
PI: "I can deal."
SHAMON: "HEE! HEEEEEE! CRAIGY! IT'S OK, CRAIGY! YOU'VE BEEN HIT BY-"
MILES: "By a Smooth Professional if you don't shut up!"
(MILES hops back on stage and turns on the boombox. CUTTO: PI doing the running man - badly, SHAMON spinning in place.)
MILES: "Nowwwwwww, grab that partner by the hand (CUTTO: PI slapping away SHAMON's hand), 'cause this is a tale of a good 'ol boy's lahf gone very bad! Name was Southern, talk of the town couldn't get it up, so the women wouldn't go down. Now he thinks he's steppin' up, little does he know the I's are gonna F(BLEEP!) HIM UP! WOO DOGGIE! BARK LIKE A DOG! WAVE THAT DIXIE FLAG! oneyanda, twoyanda, treeyanda, faw! My name is Southern and mah wife is my maw! WOOOOOO DOGGIE! YEAH! DIXIE PRIDE! WOOOOOO! YEAH!"
(MILES starts slapping his knees and stomping with the beat, CUTTO: PI looking confused, SHAMON moonwalking back and forth - badly.)
MILES: "Now for those that don't understand me, now you know what it's like to hear Southern speak! To translate what I just said, let's just say Southern and his mom do the nasty in bed! (MILES turns to the camera) INCEST, that is. fahvenanda, sixeanda, sevenanda eight! If I were Guns, I'd wonder if this little sh(BLEEP!) can pull his weight! WOOOO DOGGIE! IT'S A HOE DOWN! NOW!"
(CUTTO: SHAMON grabs his crotch and screams! PI falls over trying to do the Roger Rabbit! PI: (V/O) "What's with all this gel on the floor!" SHAMON: (V/O) "HEE HEEEEEEE!")
MILES: "Battle of the Belts, Number 17 - same age as the girl Southern banged in New Orleans! (MILES turns to the camera) Besides MAW, that is. WOOOOO HONKY! GRAB ME SOME CHAW! Third Row Inc and H-Bombed Troy, Brandon Lee and that Southern Boy - got no problem with Mr. Guns, but we all know that night Shane gets the runs. Same 'ol thing, same 'ol fear - Shane don't feel bad it's just PROFESSIONAL fear. I'd give you a dollar, maybe two - but I know your momma raised the price on you. Don't you worry, life ain't all that bad - at least you got all those animal porno mags. (MILES turns to the camera) Just like PI, that is. (PI V/O: "HEY!") Alright, we're bringin' it down the homestretch! STOMP THOSE FEET! CLAP THOSE HANDS! BE JUST AS LAME AS THAT SOUTHERN MAN!"
(CUTTO: SHAMON running in place, drenched in sweat! PI wiping off the jeri curl hitting him in disgust...
MILES: "We gave you the chance to become a PROFESSIONAL -I- and you turned your back and said BUH-BYE. Now we're coming to BEE OH BEE, and the PEE ARE OHs are gonna break your knees! We warned you once, hell we warned you twice - but no stupid hick takes a smart man's advice. Just one week, that's seven days 'till you climb through those ropes and find hell to pay. And when we're done, when we're through, you'll be so ugly even yer own maw won't F(BLEEP!) YOU. WOOOOOOO DOGGGIE! SPIT ON THAT FLOOR! WE'RE FROM THE SOUTH AND WE'RRRRRRRRRRE NASTY! BARK LIKE A DOG BI(BLEEP!)H! YEEEEEE HAWWWWWWWW! PARTY'S OVER!"
(MILES clicks off the boombox and jumps off the stage, where PI is still wiping off Jeri curl as SHAMON is hopping up and down in excitement.)
MILES: "I SAID PARTY'S OVER, YOU F(BLEEP!)S - get the hell out of here! (PI and SHAMON look confused) If I count up to three, I'm gonna break your backs over my knee! ONEAENDA! TWO-"
(SHAMON and PI scurry off! MILES takes out a cigarette and lights it up as we FTB...)
V/O: "Join us next time for PROFESSIONAL Square Dancing!"
(FADEIN: 'COCKY' CRAIG MILES standing on a stage with a boombox and microphone. He's wearing a cowboy hat, chaps, boots, spurs and a plaid cowboy shirt. On the floor are PI - in a similar costume and SHAMON - obviously not informed and in traditional 'BAD' era garb. MILES turns on the boombox which starts playing a country jamboreeish song...)
MILES: (in mock Southern accent) "WOOOOOOO DOGGIE! Nuttin' lahk a good 'ol fashioned square dance song about Shane Southern! Now grab yer partner by the hand!"
PI: "HELL NO! I'm not touching this freak!"
SHAMON: "OWWWW! CRAIGY IS THIS OK? SO, CRAIGY IS THIS OK? IS THIS OK, CRAIGY? OW! SHAMON! HEE HEEEEEEE!"
(MILES clicks off the boombox, drops the mic and jumps off the stage with a serious look on his face - he grabs both men by the collar!)
SHAMON: "HEE! HEEEEEEE! OWWWWW!"
MILES: "Listen, either you two do dance or when these cameras are off I'm gonna rip BOTH yer heads off!"
PI: "I can deal."
SHAMON: "HEE! HEEEEEE! CRAIGY! IT'S OK, CRAIGY! YOU'VE BEEN HIT BY-"
MILES: "By a Smooth Professional if you don't shut up!"
(MILES hops back on stage and turns on the boombox. CUTTO: PI doing the running man - badly, SHAMON spinning in place.)
MILES: "Nowwwwwww, grab that partner by the hand (CUTTO: PI slapping away SHAMON's hand), 'cause this is a tale of a good 'ol boy's lahf gone very bad! Name was Southern, talk of the town couldn't get it up, so the women wouldn't go down. Now he thinks he's steppin' up, little does he know the I's are gonna F(BLEEP!) HIM UP! WOO DOGGIE! BARK LIKE A DOG! WAVE THAT DIXIE FLAG! oneyanda, twoyanda, treeyanda, faw! My name is Southern and mah wife is my maw! WOOOOOO DOGGIE! YEAH! DIXIE PRIDE! WOOOOOO! YEAH!"
(MILES starts slapping his knees and stomping with the beat, CUTTO: PI looking confused, SHAMON moonwalking back and forth - badly.)
MILES: "Now for those that don't understand me, now you know what it's like to hear Southern speak! To translate what I just said, let's just say Southern and his mom do the nasty in bed! (MILES turns to the camera) INCEST, that is. fahvenanda, sixeanda, sevenanda eight! If I were Guns, I'd wonder if this little sh(BLEEP!) can pull his weight! WOOOO DOGGIE! IT'S A HOE DOWN! NOW!"
(CUTTO: SHAMON grabs his crotch and screams! PI falls over trying to do the Roger Rabbit! PI: (V/O) "What's with all this gel on the floor!" SHAMON: (V/O) "HEE HEEEEEEE!")
MILES: "Battle of the Belts, Number 17 - same age as the girl Southern banged in New Orleans! (MILES turns to the camera) Besides MAW, that is. WOOOOO HONKY! GRAB ME SOME CHAW! Third Row Inc and H-Bombed Troy, Brandon Lee and that Southern Boy - got no problem with Mr. Guns, but we all know that night Shane gets the runs. Same 'ol thing, same 'ol fear - Shane don't feel bad it's just PROFESSIONAL fear. I'd give you a dollar, maybe two - but I know your momma raised the price on you. Don't you worry, life ain't all that bad - at least you got all those animal porno mags. (MILES turns to the camera) Just like PI, that is. (PI V/O: "HEY!") Alright, we're bringin' it down the homestretch! STOMP THOSE FEET! CLAP THOSE HANDS! BE JUST AS LAME AS THAT SOUTHERN MAN!"
(CUTTO: SHAMON running in place, drenched in sweat! PI wiping off the jeri curl hitting him in disgust...
MILES: "We gave you the chance to become a PROFESSIONAL -I- and you turned your back and said BUH-BYE. Now we're coming to BEE OH BEE, and the PEE ARE OHs are gonna break your knees! We warned you once, hell we warned you twice - but no stupid hick takes a smart man's advice. Just one week, that's seven days 'till you climb through those ropes and find hell to pay. And when we're done, when we're through, you'll be so ugly even yer own maw won't F(BLEEP!) YOU. WOOOOOOO DOGGGIE! SPIT ON THAT FLOOR! WE'RE FROM THE SOUTH AND WE'RRRRRRRRRRE NASTY! BARK LIKE A DOG BI(BLEEP!)H! YEEEEEE HAWWWWWWWW! PARTY'S OVER!"
(MILES clicks off the boombox and jumps off the stage, where PI is still wiping off Jeri curl as SHAMON is hopping up and down in excitement.)
MILES: "I SAID PARTY'S OVER, YOU F(BLEEP!)S - get the hell out of here! (PI and SHAMON look confused) If I count up to three, I'm gonna break your backs over my knee! ONEAENDA! TWO-"
(SHAMON and PI scurry off! MILES takes out a cigarette and lights it up as we FTB...)
V/O: "Join us next time for PROFESSIONAL Square Dancing!"