P
Packschmid
Guest
[updated:LAST EDITED ON Jul-22-02 AT 12:44 PM (EDT)](FADEIN: GUNS sitting on his couch in his San Antonio ranch, while HEATHER mills around in the background.)
GUNS: Hey. Heather, you seen the belt? I'm about ready to cut another promo...
HEATHER: Last I saw, the cat had dragged it into the litter box...
GUNS: (Laughs.) I guess I can do without the belt for this one. This shouldn't take long. After all, I got to the Comedy Store a little late last night and realized that I had missed the 50% Off sale on GUNS old jokes. I mean, all of a sudden, EVERYONE'S a comedian... you've got raging alcoholic Kevin Powers, his little buddy Iceman... still waiting for Maverick and Goose to come out of the woodwork... and finally, Mr. GXW himself, Dan Ryan took my name in vain and didn't even MENTION when I might get my $7.95 and that GXW T-shirt. I gotta admit, Dan, the truck's starting to look a little dirty, so let's get on the ball here.
You know it's funny...everybody had their head in the sand just a little while ago. Nobody out there wanted to give GUNS the time of day. "Maybe if we don't pay him any attention, he'll just go away." I know that's what Merritt thought when he let me in. Look the other way when Wicked Sight screws me out of a match with Shane Southern, no problem. Let Mike Randalls handcuff me and beat me upside the head with a chair and then enroll in the Witness Protection Program and not show his face around the CSWA again, no problem. (Laughs.) Have a referee count a questionable three count against Eli Flair, and maybe he'll just go home and leave us all alone. But now, all of a sudden, you realize that I'm not going anywhere. Wicked Sight screwed me against Shane Southern...I went right back out and beat the living crap out of him. Mike Randalls beats me with a chair...I come back not more than TEN MINUTES later and, well, come to think of it...I beat the living crap out of Wicked Sight again. Give me a questionable finish against Eli Flair, and I just suck it up, admit he may have been the better man that night and go off and pummel Larry Stanley and then tear JJ Deville a new rectal orifice and get a little piece of CSWA tradition for my effort.
Now, all of a sudden, everybody's got something to say. Kevin Powers, boy...I don't know what your problem is or what first caused you to be STUPID enough to mention my name in one of your promos. First you got all uppity because I told the truth about the GXW... that they're about as threatening as a cloudy day...and you interpret that to mean I'm in Merritt's pocket. Whatever. Nobody ever accused you of being too bright. Then you get offended when I tell you the truth AGAIN...that while you and your boys USED to be big dogs in the yard, you're right back where you started...in a MEANINGLESS midcard tag team match against each other where nobody cares who wins or who loses. That's a FACT, Powers. Deal with it. Now, Kevin...from what I hear around the campfire, you ain't never had too much luck trying to win the CSWA World title. (Laughs.) Well, trust me, Kev...I've been there, and you ain't missing much. It takes a damn week just to wash the stink off your waist. But, I tell you what...you may never...and I mean NEVER...get yourself a taste of the big gold, but anytime you wanna come try and take this Greensboro title back for the greater glory of the CSWA, you just let me know. I promise I won't forget.
See, I'm not quite sure exactly when the ranks of the CSWA made the decision that I was a card-carrying member of the AARP rushing to fix the Poly-Grip on my dentures so I'm not late to catch the Early Bird Special in some Miami diner. Iceman Radder, I appreciate you jumping in with your own Henny Youngman one-liners about my age. What's next? "Your Mama So Fat" jokes? Give me a break. You see, Radder, (goes into feeble old voice) BACK IN MY DAY...we were taught to respect our elders (back to normal voice), especially when our elders could toss our sorry asses into the third row without so much as breaking a sweat. Do yourself a favor, Iceman, keep your mouth shut, hold your head high, wrestle your little tag match, and then hop back in your little fighter jet with Slider and fight some MIG-28s, okay?
And that brings me to the illustrious Dan Ryan. Dan, you don't even KNOW me...and you're already cracking old jokes, and you must have gotten a few "GUNS talks too much" jokes thrown in for free. I'm impressed. Yeah, I talk a lot...but unlike what I've seen from you, I back it up. Yeah, Danny...you may have slapped Evan Aho around at one of your little VFW Hall shows. Afraid I missed that. But, considering what I've seen of Evan Aho recently, I'm not sure that's much of an accomplishment regardless. I do have to admit that you were very impressive in beating Carl Brigsby, though. He's tough. I remember when he beat Wildstar in the middle of the ring. Those were the days. Of course, he won the match when he tripped over the damn top rope, but a win's a win. And, last but not least, you bailed out of a match against Triple X and wrapped your hand around Poison Ivy's throat. (Nods head.) Yeah, I can see why the CSWA should be shaking in their boots.
You see, Dan, here's the thing...while you flap your gums and SAY you want to take on the CSWA, I actually MEAN it. You see, Dan, you're here fighting for RESPECT for your rinky dink little promotion. I don't need to fight for respect...I already have it. And anybody in this company that don't respect me after all I've done in this sport is a damn fool. You're here trying to get a little HYPE for your little company...trying to make the GXW famous. (Laughs.) I don't need to fight for hype, Dan...I'm ALREADY famous. You want credibility, Dan? I've already offered it to you...it's sitting right over there in the litter box. All it costs is $7.95, a GXW T-shirt, and the small task of changing the name of your promotion. Certainly, as the GXW "World" Heavyweight champion, you've got the leverage to make that kind of deal.
The moral of the story, boys, is that you go make your jokes. Powers and Radder...you have your little PLR reunion party while the fans at Fish Fund Park are checking out the merchandise stands. Dan Ryan, you go out there and fight the good fight against Bugbrain and try not to get your head kicked in by Shane Southern. But, when you're not in the ring, you sit back and watch what I do at Fish Fund. I promise you this...
It WON'T be a laughing matter.
GUNS: Hey. Heather, you seen the belt? I'm about ready to cut another promo...
HEATHER: Last I saw, the cat had dragged it into the litter box...
GUNS: (Laughs.) I guess I can do without the belt for this one. This shouldn't take long. After all, I got to the Comedy Store a little late last night and realized that I had missed the 50% Off sale on GUNS old jokes. I mean, all of a sudden, EVERYONE'S a comedian... you've got raging alcoholic Kevin Powers, his little buddy Iceman... still waiting for Maverick and Goose to come out of the woodwork... and finally, Mr. GXW himself, Dan Ryan took my name in vain and didn't even MENTION when I might get my $7.95 and that GXW T-shirt. I gotta admit, Dan, the truck's starting to look a little dirty, so let's get on the ball here.
You know it's funny...everybody had their head in the sand just a little while ago. Nobody out there wanted to give GUNS the time of day. "Maybe if we don't pay him any attention, he'll just go away." I know that's what Merritt thought when he let me in. Look the other way when Wicked Sight screws me out of a match with Shane Southern, no problem. Let Mike Randalls handcuff me and beat me upside the head with a chair and then enroll in the Witness Protection Program and not show his face around the CSWA again, no problem. (Laughs.) Have a referee count a questionable three count against Eli Flair, and maybe he'll just go home and leave us all alone. But now, all of a sudden, you realize that I'm not going anywhere. Wicked Sight screwed me against Shane Southern...I went right back out and beat the living crap out of him. Mike Randalls beats me with a chair...I come back not more than TEN MINUTES later and, well, come to think of it...I beat the living crap out of Wicked Sight again. Give me a questionable finish against Eli Flair, and I just suck it up, admit he may have been the better man that night and go off and pummel Larry Stanley and then tear JJ Deville a new rectal orifice and get a little piece of CSWA tradition for my effort.
Now, all of a sudden, everybody's got something to say. Kevin Powers, boy...I don't know what your problem is or what first caused you to be STUPID enough to mention my name in one of your promos. First you got all uppity because I told the truth about the GXW... that they're about as threatening as a cloudy day...and you interpret that to mean I'm in Merritt's pocket. Whatever. Nobody ever accused you of being too bright. Then you get offended when I tell you the truth AGAIN...that while you and your boys USED to be big dogs in the yard, you're right back where you started...in a MEANINGLESS midcard tag team match against each other where nobody cares who wins or who loses. That's a FACT, Powers. Deal with it. Now, Kevin...from what I hear around the campfire, you ain't never had too much luck trying to win the CSWA World title. (Laughs.) Well, trust me, Kev...I've been there, and you ain't missing much. It takes a damn week just to wash the stink off your waist. But, I tell you what...you may never...and I mean NEVER...get yourself a taste of the big gold, but anytime you wanna come try and take this Greensboro title back for the greater glory of the CSWA, you just let me know. I promise I won't forget.
See, I'm not quite sure exactly when the ranks of the CSWA made the decision that I was a card-carrying member of the AARP rushing to fix the Poly-Grip on my dentures so I'm not late to catch the Early Bird Special in some Miami diner. Iceman Radder, I appreciate you jumping in with your own Henny Youngman one-liners about my age. What's next? "Your Mama So Fat" jokes? Give me a break. You see, Radder, (goes into feeble old voice) BACK IN MY DAY...we were taught to respect our elders (back to normal voice), especially when our elders could toss our sorry asses into the third row without so much as breaking a sweat. Do yourself a favor, Iceman, keep your mouth shut, hold your head high, wrestle your little tag match, and then hop back in your little fighter jet with Slider and fight some MIG-28s, okay?
And that brings me to the illustrious Dan Ryan. Dan, you don't even KNOW me...and you're already cracking old jokes, and you must have gotten a few "GUNS talks too much" jokes thrown in for free. I'm impressed. Yeah, I talk a lot...but unlike what I've seen from you, I back it up. Yeah, Danny...you may have slapped Evan Aho around at one of your little VFW Hall shows. Afraid I missed that. But, considering what I've seen of Evan Aho recently, I'm not sure that's much of an accomplishment regardless. I do have to admit that you were very impressive in beating Carl Brigsby, though. He's tough. I remember when he beat Wildstar in the middle of the ring. Those were the days. Of course, he won the match when he tripped over the damn top rope, but a win's a win. And, last but not least, you bailed out of a match against Triple X and wrapped your hand around Poison Ivy's throat. (Nods head.) Yeah, I can see why the CSWA should be shaking in their boots.
You see, Dan, here's the thing...while you flap your gums and SAY you want to take on the CSWA, I actually MEAN it. You see, Dan, you're here fighting for RESPECT for your rinky dink little promotion. I don't need to fight for respect...I already have it. And anybody in this company that don't respect me after all I've done in this sport is a damn fool. You're here trying to get a little HYPE for your little company...trying to make the GXW famous. (Laughs.) I don't need to fight for hype, Dan...I'm ALREADY famous. You want credibility, Dan? I've already offered it to you...it's sitting right over there in the litter box. All it costs is $7.95, a GXW T-shirt, and the small task of changing the name of your promotion. Certainly, as the GXW "World" Heavyweight champion, you've got the leverage to make that kind of deal.
The moral of the story, boys, is that you go make your jokes. Powers and Radder...you have your little PLR reunion party while the fans at Fish Fund Park are checking out the merchandise stands. Dan Ryan, you go out there and fight the good fight against Bugbrain and try not to get your head kicked in by Shane Southern. But, when you're not in the ring, you sit back and watch what I do at Fish Fund. I promise you this...
It WON'T be a laughing matter.