GARTHIsTheLaw
League Member
Tonight, WWE RAW and SmackDown! present…
WRESTLEMANIA 20: WHERE LA RESISTANCE JOBS…AGAIN!
Thursday on SmackDown!: The Charmed Ones finally got to Paul Heyman by possessing Stone Cold Steve Austin’s ATV and using it to run Paul over. Kurt Angle tried to regain his watch from Eddie Guerrero by leering menacingly at him for 20 minutes. Not Bald Anymore Bull jobbed for the 263rd consecutive time. Poor Rhyno, he’s the new Test.
The show opens with the Harlem Boys’ Choir singing “Walk This Way” by Aerosmith. I think I spotted Orlando Jordan somewhere in the back row. That clever Orlando…he knows he’s not getting on the show any other way. Where’s Ernest “The Cat” Miller?
We then cut to a video package highlighting the greatest WrestleMania moments of all time, include Triple-H losing to the Ultimate Warrior in less than a minute, Terri vs. The Kat being the only singles match at WrestleMania 2000, and who can forget what could possibly be the best match ever seen at WrestleMania – The Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez.
With the requisite 552 minutes of hype out of the way, it’s time for our first match!
UNITED STATES TITLE: Mad Clown vs. Slim Cena
Mad Clown tries to eat Cena right off the bat, but Cena’s pants are so baggy he can’t digest them. Cena fights off Mad Clown by saying “yo” as many times as possible, but he gets beaned in the head with a green juggling ball. All seems lost for Cena until he pulls out his CUSTOM BRASS KNUCKS OF THUGONOMIC FURY~ (+1 to Strength, -2 to Finisher Credibility) and uses their mystical powers to make Mad Clown job. Slim Cena is the new U.S. champion! Mad Clown takes out his frustrations by eating the Spanish Announce Team.
Backstage, Eric Bischoff instructs Coach to go make him a sammich. Coach doesn’t want to do it, so he decides to find Undertaker and make him do it instead. It would be super-sweet if the Undertaker came back from the dead with the power to make the best sammiches in the world. I’d totally mark out, I bet he could make me the best peanut butter sammich I’ve ever eaten.
Another backstage shot (EXCITEMENT~!) shows EVOLUTION IS A MYSTERY (minus Triple-H) critiquing Mick Foley’s wardrobe. Wait, no…it’s just Orton talking, the other two are just there to look pretty. And my GOD, how pretty is Batista in his spiffy suit and lime-green sunglasses? I always thought Batista never got dressed up because he was bitter that he didn’t get to ride in the helicopter in the entrance video. I’d be bitter, too. I can just picture it now.
HHH: Alright guys, let’s get dressed up, we have to ride in the helicopter in an hour.
Batista: Can I come too?
HHH: No, Batista, you’re injured.
Batista: But I want to ride in the helicopter!
HHH: You aren’t on TV. It wouldn’t make sense. No helicopter ride.
Flair: Yeah, or I’ll take your old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, fat boy! WOOO!
Batista: But…but…
Orton: No helicopter, Batista. I guess you’re just going to have to stay…held down. (giggle giggle)
HHH: Well aren’t you the clever one. PEDIGREE TO ORTON!
WORLD TAG TITLES: Rob Van Dam & Booker T (w/ Really Terrible Entrance Music) vs. The Dudley Boyz vs. La Resistance vs. Craig Jindrak & Richard Cade
Hmmm, what’s the only thing that could make Booker T’s entrance music worse? I know, let’s intermix a few “ONE OF A KIND”s, that’s the ticket. The utter crappiness of the entrance music causes all of RVD & Booker T’s opponents to lose consciousness, except Tom Conway. That John Conway is a hell of a wrestler. But he still jobs. RVD & Booker retain! RVD is sad because he didn’t do enough wrestling to achieve his trademark swamp-ass. But it’s just as well because he accidentally left his bowl in his singlet anyways.
Backstage, Backstage Guy tells Coach he’s been hearing suspicious noises from a supply closet somewhere. Coach, thinking it might be the Undertaker (or possibly Goldberg preparing to make his entrance) opens the door to find…
Gene Okerlund: Yeah, baby…that’s what I…COACH!
Coach: Mean Gene? What on earth is going on in there? Are you…
(Someone else comes out of the closet)
Bobby Heenan: What’s going on out here?
Coach: Mean Gene? The Brain? Don’t tell me you two were…
Okerlund: No! It’s not what it looks like! We were…
(Two more people come out of the supply closet)
Coach: Billy & Chuck? Don’t tell me the FOUR of you were…
Palumbo: NO! It’s not like that!
Coach: And didn’t Billy get vaporized by SkeleSable last month?
Palumbo: It’s actually Duke “The Dumpster” Droese in a wig. He does pretty much whatever we tell him.
Coach: Whatever you tell him? So you guys were…
(Two more people are out)
Coach: Lenny & Lodi? Now there’s NO way you can explain th-
Lodi: It’s not what it looks like, Coach! We were just…
(Someone else comes out)
Coach: Rico??! Alright, that’s it, I’m looking in there myself, I’m tired of the mysteries.
(Coach looks into the closet)
Coach: The…the Women Involved in the Women’s Match at Survivor Series 1995? Ohhhhhhh, it all makes PERFECT sense now.
Rico: Yeah, there’s nothing WEIRD going on in there. Just a perfectly normal 13-person orgy, the way God intended.
Lenny: There were eight women in that match. There’s room for one more, Coach.
Coach: Well, I sure don’t want my evening to end in my getting beaten up by the Undertaker, so sure, I’m in.
Okerlund/Heenan/Droese/Palumbo/Lenny/Lodi/Rico: ONE OF US! ONE OF US!
Bertha Faye: Come to mama, honey!
Coach: NOOOOOOOOOOOO-(cut off by door slamming)
A video package of EXCITEMENT~ brings us to our next match…
Y2J4 vs. Christian
Y2J4 takes the early advantage due to superior length of hair. But then Christian remembers that Jericho eliminated him from the Royal Rumble because of his own silly hair, and fights back with a vengeance. The match plods along until it’s Requisite Run-In Time with Trish Stratus. Trish enters the ring and executes the OMG SWERVE~! on Y2J4, so Christian wins! Poor Jericho, now all he has left is his wife.
Lillian Garcia is backstage with The Rock.
Lillian: Rock, in a few moments you and Mick Foley will-
Rock: QUIET WOMAN! The Rock isn’t going to be on WWE TV again for another year or so, so he has VERY LITTLE TIME to squeeze in all of his catch phrases!
Lillian: Well, I just wanted to-
Rock: DAMMIT WOMAN! The Rock needs his catch phrase time! Shouldn’t you be announcing the matches anyway?
Lillian: Yes, but Howard Finkel always gets to do pay-per-views! ALWAYS!
Rock: Awwww stop yer *****in’.
(Lillian runs off crying)
Foley: That wasn’t very nice, Rock.
Rock: Don’t interrupt the Rock’s catch phrase time. CANDY ASS MONKEY CRAP JABRONI PIE STRUDEL HOW’S YOUR LIPS PEOPLE’S CHAMP KNOW YOUR ROLE SHUT YOUR MOUTH JUST BRING IT MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF THE ROCK’S FANS MOST ELECTRIFYING MAN IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT FINALLY THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO PEOPLE’S EYEBROW IF YA SMELLLLL-EL-EL-EL-EL-EL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN’ GO SEE “WALKING TALL” YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS…
(The Rock explodes)
Foley: Well crap.
EVOLUTION IS A MYSTERY vs. Rock ‘n Sock Connection
Evolution beats Mick Foley with a stick because the Rock is too busy being exploded to help him out. But JR and the King help bring the Rock back to life by using the phrase “walking tall” approximately 8,322 times in 60 seconds. This pumps up the Rock with SHILL POWER~ and he reforms himself just in time to save Foley. The Rock forgets he’s in a wrestling ring and not on the set, though, and tries to use his two-by-four, which of course is not allowed. Foley is so embarrassed that he falls down. ORTON WINS! The Rock ‘n Sock Connection is sad. Rock cheers up Foley by promising him a role in his next movie, assuming that Foley will probably not remember. That clever Rock.
Mean Gene, apparently finished with his fling with Aja Kong, is out to introduce the individuals being inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame (ahhhh that’s a lot of time saved on putting names in boldface): Bobby Heenan, Billy Graham, Jesse Ventura (who looks like Will Ferrell as James Lipton), a clone of Triple-H made older by tragically advanced aging processes, the Skinner, the Berzerker, Bastion Booger, and as many Villanos as humanly possible. Geez, this ceremony went on forever. Why does the WWE waste time honoring legends of the ring when they could be putting on stellar matches like this next one?
PLAYBOY EVENING GOWN MATCH, ONLY NOT: Torrie Wilson & SkeleSable vs. Stacy Keibler & Jackie Gayda
SkeleSable decides she wants to wrestle this match naked, and uses her dark powers to force the other participants into doing it as well. Jerry Lawler melts. Everyone has a good laugh when the referee thinks HE needs to be naked, too. Then SkeleSable vaporizes him. SkeleSable looks to vaporize Jackie & Stacy as well, but the Ghost of Billy Gunn appears to distract her, leaving Torrie all alone. Jackie tries to capitalize (hey, that rhymes), but she blows a spot and Torrie wins. Whatever happened to Gail Kim? She blows spots too, but SHE didn’t get to go to WrestleMania. And what about that Jeff Hardy chick? She got fired? Too bad.
Backstage (EXCITEMENT~!), Eddie Guerrero encounters Chris Benoit.
Eddie: Horale, Chris. Looks like I totally won our bet on who gets a World title run first.
Benoit: You don’t know what it’s like on RAW, man. Triple-H is there to hold everyone down. At least you guys got a break from Undertaker being off TV.
Eddie: But he’s coming back tonight, homes, so I’ll probably only have this belt a little while longer.
Benoit: So, think I’ll win tonight?
Eddie: You think Triple-H is going to drop the belt to you? Hell, he’d be more likely to drop it to Shawn Michaels.
Benoit: Damn him and his JESUS POWER~!
Eddie: How in the hell did you just pronounce that tilde?
Benoit: I dunno, it just sort of happened by itself.
Eddie: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’ve got a tough road ahead of me too. Kurt Angle has had it in for me ever since he found out I stole his watch.
Benoit: You should’ve just come clean. But no, you had to blame Nathan Jones.
Eddie: But maybe we’ll both get lucky. Paul Heyman has been trying to destroy the Charmed Ones for weeks. If both of us have World titles, that’ll surely be enough to finish them.
Benoit: No one’s going to understand that reference. The SmackDown! satire that mentioned the Charmed Ones never got posted.
Eddie: Well, good luck anyway.
CRUISERWEIGHT OPEN: Featuring Chavo Guerrero, Rey Mysterio, Red Power Ranger, Blue Power Ranger, Hillbilly Jim Noble, Little Mac, Ultimo Dragon, Funaki, Nunzio, and Billy the Kidman
Ultimo Dragon goes all Ultimo Dragon Chan and pins Little Mac after a flying kick, but then he jobs to the entrance ramp. Despite his jean shorts being +2 to Jobbing, Noble manages to take out the entrance ramp (isn’t it over the weight limit?), Funaki, and Nunzio, but then he’s overcome by Kidman’s BOTCHED STAR PRESS OF DOOM~. Rey Mysterio then beats Kidman and the Power Rangers for having no mic skills. Mysterio puts up a good fight against Chavo, but Chavo comes out on top in the end with the assist from Chavo Sr. Suddenly, Josh Mathews hits the ring as the surprise 11th entrant and rolls up Chavo to win the Cruiserweight Title!
Mathews: WHO’S INVINCIBLE NOW?
Chavo Sr.: Curse you, Clay Aiken! You’ve taken my son’s title!
Mathews: For the last time, I’m not Clay Aiken!
Chavo Sr.: IF HEARTS WERE UNBREAKABLE…THEN I COULD JUST TELL YOU WHERE I STAND…
Mathews: Nothing is ever good enough.
Poor Josh. Even with the Cruiserweight Title everyone still thinks he’s Clay Aiken. He runs off to go cry with Lillian Garcia.
A video package recaps the epic Guy Who’s Leaving After WrestleMania vs. Guy Who’s Leaving After WrestleMania feud. Joy.
Super Macho Man vs. Goldberg w/ special guest referee Stone Cold Steve Austin
If Super Macho Man wins, he and Goldberg both get Stunners.
If Goldberg wins, he and Super Macho Man both get Stunners.
Goldberg and Lesnar start out the match by playing a game of Who Can Have the Worst Farewell Match Ever?. Goldberg takes the early advantage by being a big prima donna and a sloppy worker, but Lesnar counters by being a whiny ***** who’s never going to make it in the NFL. It looks like a stalemate, but suddenly there’s a run-in from current Who Can Have the Worst Farewell Match Ever? Champion Bart Gunn. Finally, Stone Cold realizes every moment he spends refereeing this match is a moment not spent Stunning people or drinking, so he Stuns everyone and drinks. KICK WHAM STUNNER to Super Macho Man. KICK WHAM STUNNER to Goldberg. KICK WHAM STUNNER to Bart. KICK WHAM STUNNER to Howard Finkel. KICK WHAM STUNNER to Austin, just for the hell of it. After he recovers from Stunning himself, Austin declares Goldberg the winner for looking the most like him. What a shame, never again shall someone FEAR THE SPEAR in a WWE ring.
Vince McMahon comes out and thanks the fans for making WrestleMania what it is today, and TOTALLY making him way richer than they’ll ever be. Then he goes backstage to stuff $100 bills down SkeleSable’s tunic.
WWE TAG TITLES: Rikishi & Scotty 2-Hotty vs. A.P.A. vs. Ebony & Ivory vs. the Basham Brothers
The referee immediately disqualifies the A.P.A. for having Faarooq as a member, since he is worthless. He then disqualifies Ebony & Ivory for being the Filler Tag Champions in a legitimate title match (though, ironically, this match is still filler). That leaves Rikishi & Scotty and the Bashams, and since Shaniqua don’t live here no more, there’s no one to save Joey Basham from getting squished by Rikishi for the pin. Johnny Basham is sad.
Promo for Edge. Yaaaaaaaay! I love promos for Edge! Jesse Ventura interviews Donald Trump. Yaaaaaaaay! I love Jesse Ventura interviewing Donald Trump!
WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH: Victoria vs. Molly Holly
Title vs. Hair match
Molly Holly goes into this match with a purpose, because she doesn’t want to be the second bald Holly on WWE TV. Where IS Hardcore Holly anyway? Why wasn’t the WWE Filler Title defended tonight? I’m sure A-Train would’ve been more than happy to be on the card. Anyway, Molly takes the early advantage, but is then blinded by Victoria’s outfit and gets so confused she jobs. Victoria drags Molly to the barber’s chair and Brutus Beefcake goes to work, but he’s so high that he accidentally cuts Spike Dudley’s hair instead. Oh well, it’s not like Spike is ever on TV anyway.
Video package this, video package that.
WWE TITLE (AND FOR OWNERSHIP OF KURT ANGLE’S WATCH): Eddie Guerrero vs. Kurt Angle
Kurt Angle’s finally getting the chance to regain his watch after months of searching, and he comes out of the gate like a madman. Eddie Guerrero, looking to regain the advantage, tries to run Kurt over with his Lowrider, but the Lowrider runs over Eddie instead. HEEL TURN BY THE LOWRIDER! It’s been working for Kurt Angle all along! Angle tries his primary strategy of leering menacingly at Eddie, but this time it doesn’t work. Angle puts Eddie in the ankle lock and tries to force him to give up the location of the watch, but Eddie won’t submit -- he likes that watch and by God he’s not about to give it up. Finally, Angle pulls off Eddie’s boot, revealing the hidden location of the watch! Angle is awestruck at finding the watch, and while he isn’t paying attention, the Lowrider goes to attack Eddie, but Eddie moves and the Lowrider hits Kurt in his duct-taped-repaired neck, so Eddie wins! He then steals the watch back. Angle is sad. He leers menacingly at Eddie some more, but it’s just lost its effect.
Ahhhhhh, after over three hours, I’m finally getting what I’ve been waiting for all night -- more Kane! Kane insists that the Undertaker is dead, and that he’ll never make anyone a sammich again. Suddenly, the lights go out!
Stage Guy: God dammit, RVD. That lever is not a toy.
RVD: Dude! Check this out! Lights go on, lights go off! Lights go on, lights go off!
Stage Guy: How do you put up with this?
Booker T: I just remind myself that he’s getting traded to SmackDown! for Edge in a few short weeks.
RVD: Did Kane mention something about a sandwich?
Eventually, the stage guy distracts RVD with some nachos and gets things back under control. Paul Bearer comes out to introduce the returning Phenom…the one, the only, Walker: Texas Undertaker!
Kane vs. Walker: Texas Undertaker (w/ Paul Bearer & Ranger Trivett)
Kane thinks it’s hardly fair that Walker: Texas Undertaker gets Ranger Trivett in his corner, but then he remembers Trivett never does anything right, so he goes on the offensive. Maybe they’ll get their own show on USA. That would be bad-ass, because ever since the WWE moved to TNN, USA has needed a little more Kane. Walker: Texas Undertaker has a brief advantage until Trivett screws something up and gives Kane the advantage back. Kane decides to beat up Trivett, because that’s what all good villains do, but when he tries to grab Trivett by the hair, a wig comes off to reveal that Trivett is actually Ernest “The Cat” Miller in disguise! Miller starts dancing, and just like Hammer, he’s a dance dance dance dance dance machine. Kane is mesmerized by the dancing and falls over. ORTON WINS! But Orton’s already won once tonight, so the referee declares that it is, in fact, Walker: Texas Undertaker who wins. The eyes of the Ranger are upon you.
It’s almost time for the main event, and I’m a little disappointed that no one has jobbed to Test tonight. As if he were reading my mind, Eric Bischoff comes out and decides to enter Test in the main event, since he never got to enter the Rumble. Yay!
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE: Triple-H vs. Chris Benoit vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Test
Test immediately gets the advantage, because he’s just…that…damn…good. But then Triple-H orders him to job to himself, causing him to get confused and go catatonic for a few minutes. Meanwhile, Benoit and Michaels put on a ************* match using only posing and headlocks. They do it so much better than Goldberg and Lesnar. Triple-H, jealous that they’re stealing his spotlight, demands that they both job immediately and shine his boots while they’re at it, but Shawn uses his JESUS POWER~ to resist. Suddenly, it’s a monumental battle between JESUS POWER~ and BACKSTAGE POWER~ that threatens to tear apart the fabric of the universe. While that’s going on, Test snaps out of his trance, and a disoriented Benoit jobs to him. TEST IS THE NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! But while Test celebrates, Ernest “The Cat” Miller runs in and pins him. ERNEST “THE CAT” MILLER IS THE NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! Kane then runs in and sets Miller on fire for his actions earlier (and also because this match needs more Kane). KANE IS THE NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! The referee then beats Kane with a stick and tells Benoit to cover him, which he does. CHRIS BENOIT IS THE NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! The referee takes off “his” mask to reveal Alyssa Milano. It was the Charmed Ones’ plan all along to have Benoit and Guerrero as each brand’s respective champions! The Charmed Ones use their new powers to vanquish Paul Heyman, but on further inspection, the person they thought was Heyman was actually Mae Young disguised as him. Will the battle between the Charmed Ones and Heyman ever end? Find out next week…same Bat time, same Bat channel!
Next Thursday: Paul Heyman recruits Faarooq to use the Power of Worthlessness to fight the Power of Three, and hilarity ensues. The main event features a tag match pitting Eddie Guerrero and Kurt Angle’s watch against Kurt Angle and the Lowrider. Walker: Texas Undertaker stops the dastardly Rhyno from trying to rob a bank or something and Rhyno jobs for the 264th consecutive time.
WRESTLEMANIA 20: WHERE LA RESISTANCE JOBS…AGAIN!
Thursday on SmackDown!: The Charmed Ones finally got to Paul Heyman by possessing Stone Cold Steve Austin’s ATV and using it to run Paul over. Kurt Angle tried to regain his watch from Eddie Guerrero by leering menacingly at him for 20 minutes. Not Bald Anymore Bull jobbed for the 263rd consecutive time. Poor Rhyno, he’s the new Test.
The show opens with the Harlem Boys’ Choir singing “Walk This Way” by Aerosmith. I think I spotted Orlando Jordan somewhere in the back row. That clever Orlando…he knows he’s not getting on the show any other way. Where’s Ernest “The Cat” Miller?
We then cut to a video package highlighting the greatest WrestleMania moments of all time, include Triple-H losing to the Ultimate Warrior in less than a minute, Terri vs. The Kat being the only singles match at WrestleMania 2000, and who can forget what could possibly be the best match ever seen at WrestleMania – The Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez.
With the requisite 552 minutes of hype out of the way, it’s time for our first match!
UNITED STATES TITLE: Mad Clown vs. Slim Cena
Mad Clown tries to eat Cena right off the bat, but Cena’s pants are so baggy he can’t digest them. Cena fights off Mad Clown by saying “yo” as many times as possible, but he gets beaned in the head with a green juggling ball. All seems lost for Cena until he pulls out his CUSTOM BRASS KNUCKS OF THUGONOMIC FURY~ (+1 to Strength, -2 to Finisher Credibility) and uses their mystical powers to make Mad Clown job. Slim Cena is the new U.S. champion! Mad Clown takes out his frustrations by eating the Spanish Announce Team.
Backstage, Eric Bischoff instructs Coach to go make him a sammich. Coach doesn’t want to do it, so he decides to find Undertaker and make him do it instead. It would be super-sweet if the Undertaker came back from the dead with the power to make the best sammiches in the world. I’d totally mark out, I bet he could make me the best peanut butter sammich I’ve ever eaten.
Another backstage shot (EXCITEMENT~!) shows EVOLUTION IS A MYSTERY (minus Triple-H) critiquing Mick Foley’s wardrobe. Wait, no…it’s just Orton talking, the other two are just there to look pretty. And my GOD, how pretty is Batista in his spiffy suit and lime-green sunglasses? I always thought Batista never got dressed up because he was bitter that he didn’t get to ride in the helicopter in the entrance video. I’d be bitter, too. I can just picture it now.
HHH: Alright guys, let’s get dressed up, we have to ride in the helicopter in an hour.
Batista: Can I come too?
HHH: No, Batista, you’re injured.
Batista: But I want to ride in the helicopter!
HHH: You aren’t on TV. It wouldn’t make sense. No helicopter ride.
Flair: Yeah, or I’ll take your old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, fat boy! WOOO!
Batista: But…but…
Orton: No helicopter, Batista. I guess you’re just going to have to stay…held down. (giggle giggle)
HHH: Well aren’t you the clever one. PEDIGREE TO ORTON!
WORLD TAG TITLES: Rob Van Dam & Booker T (w/ Really Terrible Entrance Music) vs. The Dudley Boyz vs. La Resistance vs. Craig Jindrak & Richard Cade
Hmmm, what’s the only thing that could make Booker T’s entrance music worse? I know, let’s intermix a few “ONE OF A KIND”s, that’s the ticket. The utter crappiness of the entrance music causes all of RVD & Booker T’s opponents to lose consciousness, except Tom Conway. That John Conway is a hell of a wrestler. But he still jobs. RVD & Booker retain! RVD is sad because he didn’t do enough wrestling to achieve his trademark swamp-ass. But it’s just as well because he accidentally left his bowl in his singlet anyways.
Backstage, Backstage Guy tells Coach he’s been hearing suspicious noises from a supply closet somewhere. Coach, thinking it might be the Undertaker (or possibly Goldberg preparing to make his entrance) opens the door to find…
Gene Okerlund: Yeah, baby…that’s what I…COACH!
Coach: Mean Gene? What on earth is going on in there? Are you…
(Someone else comes out of the closet)
Bobby Heenan: What’s going on out here?
Coach: Mean Gene? The Brain? Don’t tell me you two were…
Okerlund: No! It’s not what it looks like! We were…
(Two more people come out of the supply closet)
Coach: Billy & Chuck? Don’t tell me the FOUR of you were…
Palumbo: NO! It’s not like that!
Coach: And didn’t Billy get vaporized by SkeleSable last month?
Palumbo: It’s actually Duke “The Dumpster” Droese in a wig. He does pretty much whatever we tell him.
Coach: Whatever you tell him? So you guys were…
(Two more people are out)
Coach: Lenny & Lodi? Now there’s NO way you can explain th-
Lodi: It’s not what it looks like, Coach! We were just…
(Someone else comes out)
Coach: Rico??! Alright, that’s it, I’m looking in there myself, I’m tired of the mysteries.
(Coach looks into the closet)
Coach: The…the Women Involved in the Women’s Match at Survivor Series 1995? Ohhhhhhh, it all makes PERFECT sense now.
Rico: Yeah, there’s nothing WEIRD going on in there. Just a perfectly normal 13-person orgy, the way God intended.
Lenny: There were eight women in that match. There’s room for one more, Coach.
Coach: Well, I sure don’t want my evening to end in my getting beaten up by the Undertaker, so sure, I’m in.
Okerlund/Heenan/Droese/Palumbo/Lenny/Lodi/Rico: ONE OF US! ONE OF US!
Bertha Faye: Come to mama, honey!
Coach: NOOOOOOOOOOOO-(cut off by door slamming)
A video package of EXCITEMENT~ brings us to our next match…
Y2J4 vs. Christian
Y2J4 takes the early advantage due to superior length of hair. But then Christian remembers that Jericho eliminated him from the Royal Rumble because of his own silly hair, and fights back with a vengeance. The match plods along until it’s Requisite Run-In Time with Trish Stratus. Trish enters the ring and executes the OMG SWERVE~! on Y2J4, so Christian wins! Poor Jericho, now all he has left is his wife.
Lillian Garcia is backstage with The Rock.
Lillian: Rock, in a few moments you and Mick Foley will-
Rock: QUIET WOMAN! The Rock isn’t going to be on WWE TV again for another year or so, so he has VERY LITTLE TIME to squeeze in all of his catch phrases!
Lillian: Well, I just wanted to-
Rock: DAMMIT WOMAN! The Rock needs his catch phrase time! Shouldn’t you be announcing the matches anyway?
Lillian: Yes, but Howard Finkel always gets to do pay-per-views! ALWAYS!
Rock: Awwww stop yer *****in’.
(Lillian runs off crying)
Foley: That wasn’t very nice, Rock.
Rock: Don’t interrupt the Rock’s catch phrase time. CANDY ASS MONKEY CRAP JABRONI PIE STRUDEL HOW’S YOUR LIPS PEOPLE’S CHAMP KNOW YOUR ROLE SHUT YOUR MOUTH JUST BRING IT MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF THE ROCK’S FANS MOST ELECTRIFYING MAN IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT FINALLY THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO PEOPLE’S EYEBROW IF YA SMELLLLL-EL-EL-EL-EL-EL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN’ GO SEE “WALKING TALL” YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS…
(The Rock explodes)
Foley: Well crap.
EVOLUTION IS A MYSTERY vs. Rock ‘n Sock Connection
Evolution beats Mick Foley with a stick because the Rock is too busy being exploded to help him out. But JR and the King help bring the Rock back to life by using the phrase “walking tall” approximately 8,322 times in 60 seconds. This pumps up the Rock with SHILL POWER~ and he reforms himself just in time to save Foley. The Rock forgets he’s in a wrestling ring and not on the set, though, and tries to use his two-by-four, which of course is not allowed. Foley is so embarrassed that he falls down. ORTON WINS! The Rock ‘n Sock Connection is sad. Rock cheers up Foley by promising him a role in his next movie, assuming that Foley will probably not remember. That clever Rock.
Mean Gene, apparently finished with his fling with Aja Kong, is out to introduce the individuals being inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame (ahhhh that’s a lot of time saved on putting names in boldface): Bobby Heenan, Billy Graham, Jesse Ventura (who looks like Will Ferrell as James Lipton), a clone of Triple-H made older by tragically advanced aging processes, the Skinner, the Berzerker, Bastion Booger, and as many Villanos as humanly possible. Geez, this ceremony went on forever. Why does the WWE waste time honoring legends of the ring when they could be putting on stellar matches like this next one?
PLAYBOY EVENING GOWN MATCH, ONLY NOT: Torrie Wilson & SkeleSable vs. Stacy Keibler & Jackie Gayda
SkeleSable decides she wants to wrestle this match naked, and uses her dark powers to force the other participants into doing it as well. Jerry Lawler melts. Everyone has a good laugh when the referee thinks HE needs to be naked, too. Then SkeleSable vaporizes him. SkeleSable looks to vaporize Jackie & Stacy as well, but the Ghost of Billy Gunn appears to distract her, leaving Torrie all alone. Jackie tries to capitalize (hey, that rhymes), but she blows a spot and Torrie wins. Whatever happened to Gail Kim? She blows spots too, but SHE didn’t get to go to WrestleMania. And what about that Jeff Hardy chick? She got fired? Too bad.
Backstage (EXCITEMENT~!), Eddie Guerrero encounters Chris Benoit.
Eddie: Horale, Chris. Looks like I totally won our bet on who gets a World title run first.
Benoit: You don’t know what it’s like on RAW, man. Triple-H is there to hold everyone down. At least you guys got a break from Undertaker being off TV.
Eddie: But he’s coming back tonight, homes, so I’ll probably only have this belt a little while longer.
Benoit: So, think I’ll win tonight?
Eddie: You think Triple-H is going to drop the belt to you? Hell, he’d be more likely to drop it to Shawn Michaels.
Benoit: Damn him and his JESUS POWER~!
Eddie: How in the hell did you just pronounce that tilde?
Benoit: I dunno, it just sort of happened by itself.
Eddie: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’ve got a tough road ahead of me too. Kurt Angle has had it in for me ever since he found out I stole his watch.
Benoit: You should’ve just come clean. But no, you had to blame Nathan Jones.
Eddie: But maybe we’ll both get lucky. Paul Heyman has been trying to destroy the Charmed Ones for weeks. If both of us have World titles, that’ll surely be enough to finish them.
Benoit: No one’s going to understand that reference. The SmackDown! satire that mentioned the Charmed Ones never got posted.
Eddie: Well, good luck anyway.
CRUISERWEIGHT OPEN: Featuring Chavo Guerrero, Rey Mysterio, Red Power Ranger, Blue Power Ranger, Hillbilly Jim Noble, Little Mac, Ultimo Dragon, Funaki, Nunzio, and Billy the Kidman
Ultimo Dragon goes all Ultimo Dragon Chan and pins Little Mac after a flying kick, but then he jobs to the entrance ramp. Despite his jean shorts being +2 to Jobbing, Noble manages to take out the entrance ramp (isn’t it over the weight limit?), Funaki, and Nunzio, but then he’s overcome by Kidman’s BOTCHED STAR PRESS OF DOOM~. Rey Mysterio then beats Kidman and the Power Rangers for having no mic skills. Mysterio puts up a good fight against Chavo, but Chavo comes out on top in the end with the assist from Chavo Sr. Suddenly, Josh Mathews hits the ring as the surprise 11th entrant and rolls up Chavo to win the Cruiserweight Title!
Mathews: WHO’S INVINCIBLE NOW?
Chavo Sr.: Curse you, Clay Aiken! You’ve taken my son’s title!
Mathews: For the last time, I’m not Clay Aiken!
Chavo Sr.: IF HEARTS WERE UNBREAKABLE…THEN I COULD JUST TELL YOU WHERE I STAND…
Mathews: Nothing is ever good enough.
Poor Josh. Even with the Cruiserweight Title everyone still thinks he’s Clay Aiken. He runs off to go cry with Lillian Garcia.
A video package recaps the epic Guy Who’s Leaving After WrestleMania vs. Guy Who’s Leaving After WrestleMania feud. Joy.
Super Macho Man vs. Goldberg w/ special guest referee Stone Cold Steve Austin
If Super Macho Man wins, he and Goldberg both get Stunners.
If Goldberg wins, he and Super Macho Man both get Stunners.
Goldberg and Lesnar start out the match by playing a game of Who Can Have the Worst Farewell Match Ever?. Goldberg takes the early advantage by being a big prima donna and a sloppy worker, but Lesnar counters by being a whiny ***** who’s never going to make it in the NFL. It looks like a stalemate, but suddenly there’s a run-in from current Who Can Have the Worst Farewell Match Ever? Champion Bart Gunn. Finally, Stone Cold realizes every moment he spends refereeing this match is a moment not spent Stunning people or drinking, so he Stuns everyone and drinks. KICK WHAM STUNNER to Super Macho Man. KICK WHAM STUNNER to Goldberg. KICK WHAM STUNNER to Bart. KICK WHAM STUNNER to Howard Finkel. KICK WHAM STUNNER to Austin, just for the hell of it. After he recovers from Stunning himself, Austin declares Goldberg the winner for looking the most like him. What a shame, never again shall someone FEAR THE SPEAR in a WWE ring.
Vince McMahon comes out and thanks the fans for making WrestleMania what it is today, and TOTALLY making him way richer than they’ll ever be. Then he goes backstage to stuff $100 bills down SkeleSable’s tunic.
WWE TAG TITLES: Rikishi & Scotty 2-Hotty vs. A.P.A. vs. Ebony & Ivory vs. the Basham Brothers
The referee immediately disqualifies the A.P.A. for having Faarooq as a member, since he is worthless. He then disqualifies Ebony & Ivory for being the Filler Tag Champions in a legitimate title match (though, ironically, this match is still filler). That leaves Rikishi & Scotty and the Bashams, and since Shaniqua don’t live here no more, there’s no one to save Joey Basham from getting squished by Rikishi for the pin. Johnny Basham is sad.
Promo for Edge. Yaaaaaaaay! I love promos for Edge! Jesse Ventura interviews Donald Trump. Yaaaaaaaay! I love Jesse Ventura interviewing Donald Trump!
WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH: Victoria vs. Molly Holly
Title vs. Hair match
Molly Holly goes into this match with a purpose, because she doesn’t want to be the second bald Holly on WWE TV. Where IS Hardcore Holly anyway? Why wasn’t the WWE Filler Title defended tonight? I’m sure A-Train would’ve been more than happy to be on the card. Anyway, Molly takes the early advantage, but is then blinded by Victoria’s outfit and gets so confused she jobs. Victoria drags Molly to the barber’s chair and Brutus Beefcake goes to work, but he’s so high that he accidentally cuts Spike Dudley’s hair instead. Oh well, it’s not like Spike is ever on TV anyway.
Video package this, video package that.
WWE TITLE (AND FOR OWNERSHIP OF KURT ANGLE’S WATCH): Eddie Guerrero vs. Kurt Angle
Kurt Angle’s finally getting the chance to regain his watch after months of searching, and he comes out of the gate like a madman. Eddie Guerrero, looking to regain the advantage, tries to run Kurt over with his Lowrider, but the Lowrider runs over Eddie instead. HEEL TURN BY THE LOWRIDER! It’s been working for Kurt Angle all along! Angle tries his primary strategy of leering menacingly at Eddie, but this time it doesn’t work. Angle puts Eddie in the ankle lock and tries to force him to give up the location of the watch, but Eddie won’t submit -- he likes that watch and by God he’s not about to give it up. Finally, Angle pulls off Eddie’s boot, revealing the hidden location of the watch! Angle is awestruck at finding the watch, and while he isn’t paying attention, the Lowrider goes to attack Eddie, but Eddie moves and the Lowrider hits Kurt in his duct-taped-repaired neck, so Eddie wins! He then steals the watch back. Angle is sad. He leers menacingly at Eddie some more, but it’s just lost its effect.
Ahhhhhh, after over three hours, I’m finally getting what I’ve been waiting for all night -- more Kane! Kane insists that the Undertaker is dead, and that he’ll never make anyone a sammich again. Suddenly, the lights go out!
Stage Guy: God dammit, RVD. That lever is not a toy.
RVD: Dude! Check this out! Lights go on, lights go off! Lights go on, lights go off!
Stage Guy: How do you put up with this?
Booker T: I just remind myself that he’s getting traded to SmackDown! for Edge in a few short weeks.
RVD: Did Kane mention something about a sandwich?
Eventually, the stage guy distracts RVD with some nachos and gets things back under control. Paul Bearer comes out to introduce the returning Phenom…the one, the only, Walker: Texas Undertaker!
Kane vs. Walker: Texas Undertaker (w/ Paul Bearer & Ranger Trivett)
Kane thinks it’s hardly fair that Walker: Texas Undertaker gets Ranger Trivett in his corner, but then he remembers Trivett never does anything right, so he goes on the offensive. Maybe they’ll get their own show on USA. That would be bad-ass, because ever since the WWE moved to TNN, USA has needed a little more Kane. Walker: Texas Undertaker has a brief advantage until Trivett screws something up and gives Kane the advantage back. Kane decides to beat up Trivett, because that’s what all good villains do, but when he tries to grab Trivett by the hair, a wig comes off to reveal that Trivett is actually Ernest “The Cat” Miller in disguise! Miller starts dancing, and just like Hammer, he’s a dance dance dance dance dance machine. Kane is mesmerized by the dancing and falls over. ORTON WINS! But Orton’s already won once tonight, so the referee declares that it is, in fact, Walker: Texas Undertaker who wins. The eyes of the Ranger are upon you.
It’s almost time for the main event, and I’m a little disappointed that no one has jobbed to Test tonight. As if he were reading my mind, Eric Bischoff comes out and decides to enter Test in the main event, since he never got to enter the Rumble. Yay!
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE: Triple-H vs. Chris Benoit vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Test
Test immediately gets the advantage, because he’s just…that…damn…good. But then Triple-H orders him to job to himself, causing him to get confused and go catatonic for a few minutes. Meanwhile, Benoit and Michaels put on a ************* match using only posing and headlocks. They do it so much better than Goldberg and Lesnar. Triple-H, jealous that they’re stealing his spotlight, demands that they both job immediately and shine his boots while they’re at it, but Shawn uses his JESUS POWER~ to resist. Suddenly, it’s a monumental battle between JESUS POWER~ and BACKSTAGE POWER~ that threatens to tear apart the fabric of the universe. While that’s going on, Test snaps out of his trance, and a disoriented Benoit jobs to him. TEST IS THE NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! But while Test celebrates, Ernest “The Cat” Miller runs in and pins him. ERNEST “THE CAT” MILLER IS THE NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! Kane then runs in and sets Miller on fire for his actions earlier (and also because this match needs more Kane). KANE IS THE NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! The referee then beats Kane with a stick and tells Benoit to cover him, which he does. CHRIS BENOIT IS THE NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! The referee takes off “his” mask to reveal Alyssa Milano. It was the Charmed Ones’ plan all along to have Benoit and Guerrero as each brand’s respective champions! The Charmed Ones use their new powers to vanquish Paul Heyman, but on further inspection, the person they thought was Heyman was actually Mae Young disguised as him. Will the battle between the Charmed Ones and Heyman ever end? Find out next week…same Bat time, same Bat channel!
Next Thursday: Paul Heyman recruits Faarooq to use the Power of Worthlessness to fight the Power of Three, and hilarity ensues. The main event features a tag match pitting Eddie Guerrero and Kurt Angle’s watch against Kurt Angle and the Lowrider. Walker: Texas Undertaker stops the dastardly Rhyno from trying to rob a bank or something and Rhyno jobs for the 264th consecutive time.
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