The Man

Name: Ace Vincent

DOB: September 3rd, 1985

Nickname: The Broad Street Bully; Philly's Finest

Height: 6'4

Weight: 245

The Moves

Finisher: The Ace of Spades

Description: Used to be a Superman Punch, but since Ace can doing everything that Jayzon Williamz does, but better, he's decided that he's going to be doing a jumping cutter, and will be looking to break Williamz' fucking neck with it when he beats him this week.

Finisher 2: The Cliffhanger

Description: This is a brand new move that Ace will debut next week. Seeing as how that piece of shit Williamz does a frog splash, Ace is going to one-up him by doing a double pump frog splash. Doesn't sound possible? Well it is, bitches. Ace could've been a fucking Olympian had he chosen, and surely would've taken the Gold medal in every single event other than that mat dancing bullshit. The only problem with the Olympics is that there are rules, and Ace doesn't like those.

The Bully

Friends: "Ballin" Collin McGee, Bree Benz

Enemies: Jayzon Williamz, Steve Jason, Greenman. Okay, why the fuck was Ace Vincent attacked by a character from a TV show? Especially a TV show that takes place in his home city. Whoever thought it was cool to dress up as Greenman and attack Ace Vincent is a fucking cocksucker, and will get theirs soon enough. Oh, and Jayzon and SJ are cunts.

Favorite Fighter: Forrest Griffin, hands down. What Forrest lacks in natural born talent and acquired skill, he more than makes up for with mental toughness and self-depricating humor. He's a funny fucking dude and he doesn't take himself too seriously. Him and Ace aren't alike in that manner, but Ace can admire that kind of humility in another person, just not in himself. Go read his books, fuckers.

Favorite American City: This one is fucking obvious: Philadelphia, bitches! If it weren't for Ben Franklin, who is from Philadelphia, all of you bitches would be sitting in the dark right now. Need I say more?

Likes: Jersey Shore. Why? Who the fuck knows. Probably for the same reasons that everyone else does: it's fun to watch young, moronic Guido's go out and get plastered and then fuck and fight each other, usually in that order. Also, the way The Situation treats women is hilarious, as is his fucking nickname. Seriously, every wrestler too stupid to come up with a good nickname kicked himself when that dumbass got famous partly because of his name.

Dislikes: The News. We get it, bitches. There's a recession going on. We don't need to be bombarded with headlines of a double-dip recession and where it's threatening, where jobs are the scarcest, and how terrible the world is in general. At least report on some of the good shit that goes on in the world. There's got to be something, right? No? The world is full of assholes? Okay, bring on the next story about how badly BP fucked up the Gulf Coast! I've got my hunting rifle, plaid shirt, and overalls on and I'm ready to go kill some of those faggoty Europeans, I say, I say!

The Superstar

Entrance Theme: "Omerta" by Lamb of God

Valet: Bree Benz

Who she is: The downest-ass-bitch in the history of down-ass-bitches. This girl chased away a grown man with a steel chair when he tried to fuck with Ace last week, and the week before that she distracted Dante Anglais long enough to allow Ace to springboard dive on him from the ring to the crowd. Let me repeat that: Ace Vincent hit Dante Anglais with a springboard front flip plancha that took him from the ring and into the crowd. Tell me this motherfucker ain't entertaining.

Thoughts on Previous Match: RJ Palmer proved that without The Trinity he is forgettable, worthless, and a shitty wrestler. Okay, he was all of those before The Trinity, but the facade that Emo and Anglais were able to create in place of his actual talent has finally been destroyed, and now everyone can see what RJ Palmer truly is: a fucking loser.

Next Match: Ace Vincent vs Jayzon Williamz

Match Type: Ladder

Stipulation: Whoever wins this match will be main eventing the next XWF PPV, Rage in the Cage, and will take on either Steve Jason or Jason Mudd for the Universal Title. To win this match, you must grab the contract out of the briefcase strung over the ring.

Prediction: I hear that Jayzon Williamz is the religious type. Well, he's going to need God on his side to simply survive this match, and there's no chance in fucking hell that he wins it.

XWF Record: Better than yours.

Titles Held: Hold my nuts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And the plot thickens!

Turns out, everything that everyone said about me was incorrect, and boy has there been a lot of shit talked about me over the past couple of weeks. Steve Jason is in on it, RJ Palmer was in on it, and Jayzon Williamz was the epicenter of it. The problem is, with all of them focusing on what they think of me, they forget about about what I can actually do.

And I'm just getting started. I've been taking it easy on everyone, doing what I have to for the win, and ensuring that I'll continue to move on in the Universal Title tournament. I think it's about time for me to take the kid gloves off and finally do what I came here to do: destroy and dominate.

Sure, you can argue that I've already been doing those things, and you'd be right. However, you've seen Ace Vincent, the nice guy. The guy who doesn't do anything underhanded to get the win. The guy who doesn't attack people backstage, or after their matches. I've had the drop on Zach Rizza, Jayzon Williamz, and countless others, and while I've given them notice, I've never taken a cheap shot at them. Well those days are over.

From now on, Ace Vincent is going to do what it takes to win, regardless of how bad it makes me look, what anyone else thinks about it, or whose career it ends in the process.

I'm not just here for the title anymore. Steve Jason and Jayzon Williamz have given me a new purpose in life, and that's to end both of their careers before the year is out. The easiest way for me to do that is to become the monster that has no pity, empathy, or mercy. Ace Vincent is about to become ruthless, and careers will end as a result.

I've been taking it easy, because a good strategist never brings out his best weapons until it's time to use them, and as far as I'm concerned, that time is now. Truth Until Death has a long history of destroying their opponents verbally before dominating them in the ring, and it's all thanks to the mindgames that Quotecrusher plays on people.

However, Ace Vincent isn't simply another member of Truth Until Death, but the greatest member, and the greatest member will not simply settle for crushing quotes, but rather by pwning them.

Jayzon Williamz, I'm sure you don't know what "pwning" means considering you don't know how to use a computer or read, but you're about to find out.

Welcome to Thunderdome, motherfucker.

 

 

Seeing as how it's been a few years since I've done this, I'm going to start out easy. Yeah, you all know exactly who I'm going after first.

Peter Gilmour: Another friggin' loss! What the fuck is wrong with me? I haven't had a win against a quality opponent in god knows how long.

Actually, we all know how long it's been since you've had a good win against a quality opponent, and the answer is: never. You have never beaten anyone worth anything in the XWF, and you never will.

And as far as what's wrong with you, I'm guessing that you mean "what's wrong with me besides this extra chromosome".

Since I'm pretty sure you weren't a biology major, or anything major other than a tool, I'll explain that to you. I just said that you have Down's Syndrome. Oh, you don't know what that is either. Well, you're fucking retarded.

Has anyone in the history of the XWF been more annoying and managed to remain employed? For fuck's sake, you're like Scotty Danger reincarnated.

Anyway, Gilmour, the only way you could hope to win a match is to clone yourself and face off with your clone in a "loser leaves the XWF" match. Of course, you two idiots would probably gum that up and somehow keep your jobs, and then you'd be able to achieve your girlfriend's greatest fantasy by DP'ng her when the two of you sandwich her pale ass, and then you'd be able to fulfill your greatest fantasy by having your balls rub up against another guy's balls. Fuck, that's a creepy image.

Look at that fucking loser! Nice duster, bitch! Who are you supposed to be, The Fail Rider? Cryatt Earp? Crock Hollywood? Silly The Kid? Clint Leastwood? John Lame? Oh man, I forgot how much fucking fun this was.

Let's move on to a man I could potentially face in the finals of this tournament, though that's not a given considering his knees could give at out any moment due to the years and years of trauma they incurred as he was underneath of Jonathyn Brown's desk with a dick in his mouth. Centurion was there of course, cradling the balls.

Steve Jason: (speaking of Jayzon Williams promo) insecurity? Come to think of it, that's pretty much ACE VINCENT's line of thought in a nutshell as well. That and overcompensation. Those two might have more common ground than they ever knew - they've both got absolutely no idea so they resort to delusion. As for RJ PALMER - eh, I see him doing little other than jumping on the old 'SJ is old' bandwagon. I'm not even going to dignify that with airtime - at least not unless he gets past the fratboy and I see him in the finals, then I'll just run him over with that bandwagon.

Are we sure that I'm the one who's overcompensating? I'm not the one who had to hunt Steve Sayors down for an interview just so I could get some TV time in the hopes that everyone would care about the "immensely hyped" match between myself and Centurion. That was you, buddy. The only two people in the world who thought that match meant anything to anyone were the two of you, and ten minutes after it was over, people forgot about it. If you're such a respected legend, why the fuck are you opening up for Zach Rizza? If I'm overcompensating, you have delusions of grandeur.

I'd also like to point out that it's not "jumping on the bandwagon" to call you old. You are old, motherfucker. That's not a popular opinion, that's the fucking truth. If everyone started calling Bob Barker old, would that be "jumping on the bandwagon"? No, stupid. It's not "jumping on the bandwagon" when you're stating a fact.

Obviously, we're going to talk about your age, because you are an old motherfucker and you have no business being in the ring anymore. Why would we respect an old man who can't accept that he's no longer in his physical prime, and decides to show up and steal our thunder? This is my time to shine, and I'll be damned if I'm going to sit back and let you steal my spotlight just so you can make unsuccessful comeback number four! I don't give a fuck about you, your legacy, or what you hope to accomplish this time.

This is wrestling, you geriatric bastard. You can pretend that your age isn't a factor, but you're just lying to yourself. In professional wrestling, like every other sport in the world, youth is a huge advantage. You're slow, I'm fast. You're weak, I'm strong. You don't recover quickly or easily, I do. This isn't an opinion, this is a fact. Why is it that in every other sport, the old guys know when to quit? How come guys like Barry Bonds know when to hang it up? How come guys like Steve Young realize that another concussion is one concussion too many?

It's because those guys aren't narcissists. They realize when enough is enough, and they move on. It's guys like Bret Favre, Michael Jordan, and Wayne Gretszky who taste what it's like to be truly great, and they believe they can live that way forever. The problem isn't that their bodies are unable to move on, but that they're fucking ego's can't. They spend their careers doing great things, and becoming big stars, and when you become that big of a star, you suddenly find yourself surrounded by sycophants who want handouts, attention, and to leach off of the spotlight you're surrounded by. They shower you with praise, tell you that you're still just as good as you used to be, and even though deep down you know that you're not, you choose to believe it because your ego has been so over-inflated by the constant flattery of your lackeys.

Centurion walks around and kisses your ass, and tells you that you're just as good as you used to be when you were Unkillable. The second that a young guy like me gets signed to the company, I'm told that Steve Jason was the greatest wrestler to ever grace an XWF ring, and that no one will ever touch or tarnish his legacy, and it goes from being one man's opinion to fact.

As it turns out, there is one man who can tarnish Steve Jason's legacy, and that just happens to be Steve Jason himself. Take a look at yourself in the mirror, and realize that you are the XWF's version of Bret Favre. You are our Michael Jordan. Once upon a time, you were the greatest wrestler in the world, and there wasn't a man or woman who could push you off of the top of the XWF mountain, and no one can dispute that fact. Of all the names that grace the Hall Of Legends, no one is revered in the way that Steve Jason is, and it's obviously for a good reason.

Steve Jason beat everyone there was to beat, and left behind the greatest legacy of all time when he rode off into the sunset and into the land of retirement, and he went from man to legend.

But then you came back, and quickly fizzled out. Then you did it again. And again. And again.

Each comeback was more pathetic than the last, and usually ended after you got your ass handed to you by someone who had no business being in the ring with you.

Well, that's not entirely true. Guys like Hunter Ryan have every reason to be in the ring with Steve Jason in 2010, because the point is that you are not unkillable anymore. Now you're just an old man who's trying to recapture the thing that made you so revered in the first place, but in the end, you will do what you've done the first three times you returned: you will fail.

With every passing match, you piss on the legacy that your younger self left behind. Every time you get into the ring and barely squeak past an opponent, those stories about Steve Jason being untouchable become a little less believable.

I want you to ask yourself what the younger Steve Jason would think of you. Would he agree that you need to keep coming back and trying to prove that you're the best? Would he think that you really have the ability to compete at the highest level? Would he really be happy with you pissing all over the name that he created?

I don't think so.

You're old, bitch. Go open up a gym and contribute to the business in a positive way instead of trying to hog my airtime by calling me a "fratboy". I assume that you called me that because you think of me as an immature, moronic, alpha male. Immature, huh? That's funny, because I'm not the motherfucker who can't deal with the life that his age demands of him, you are.

I'm also not moronic, which is pretty obvious by the way I just verbally murdered your punk ass. Stupid people can't cut the kind of promo that I can, and if you need that line drawn any wider, then go ahead and watch a Gilmour promo and remind yourself of the difference between someone saying something stupid, and someone saying something that you don't like.

The only reason you don't like me is because I don't acknowledge the halo that Jon Brown drew over your head. Pretty soon, other people are going to follow suit, and the infallible name of Steve Jason will become a running joke. You'll have done the one thing that no other man in this world was able to do: you'll have killed Steve Jason.

 

Holy shit did I just destroy Steve Jason, and he's not even the guy I'm scheduled to beat the fuck out of this week. However, I'm not ready to deal with that motherfucker because I'm going to absolutely pulverize him, and I want to enjoy it. I'll save him for last, so don't go anywhere, because up next is the dude who I knocked the fuck out last week on Anarchy and pinned to move on in the Universal Title tournament, RJ Palmer.

RJ Palmer: "Ace has made quite the impact since his debut... Is what I would be saying if he had beaten someone worthwhile instead of the muppets he has encountered so far. Damien Bates is just one masturbating joke from going nuts and sacrificing everyone to the great Lucifer and Dante hasn’t been in the ring since he lost to Emo. Now maybe if he had faced someone like... Don’t worry about it, I was trying to think of someone on the roster who is decent but I can’t think of anyone.

Well, you know, except for yours truly. But I get the dishonour of facing him this week."

I haven't heard from RJ since our match, probably because he's been too busy eating crow to comment on the loss. Yes, that's right: the loss he suffered at the hands of the man who hadn't yet beaten anybody worth knowing in the XWF.

I'd like to point something out: Ace Vincent is the only person worth knowing in the XWF.

Damien Bates put up more of a fight than you did, which probably drives you up the fucking wall. That dude got locked in a triangle choke and refused to tap, and instead blacked out like a fucking man. You stood there like a fucking idiot and let me Superman-punch you in the face because you were tired of getting your ass kicked, and you had a date with Emo that you were running late for. I hear the two of you had dinner by candlelight, caught the latest Jennifer Aniston flick, discovered yourself because of the movie's underlying message that even if you're a vapid, unattractive bastard, love is still out there for you, then you went home and punched eachother's donuts.

Anyway, you being delusional and all, should be the first one to admit that now I've beaten someone, right? I mean, you are a former World Champion, even if that title reign was measured in days, and not months, or even weeks, it's still a World Title reign, right? So that makes you somebody, right?

Wrong. You're still a fucking nobody, and every time you lose you prove that you didn't deserve the title in the first place, and only won it due to a lack of competition.

Anyway, enjoy competing with the likes of Vinic and Centurion for the US Title and being remembered as the guy who "almost made it."

RJ Palmer: "And all the success from these Tribe and Truth Until Death guys couldn’t be because they’re so talented. Because they’re all as overrated as Avatar and actually have very little, if any talent. And they all seem to be fragile as fuck! Let’s take a look...

Drake Komodo - Injured and then retired

James Raven – Injured

Oren – Injured

Mia – Who the fuck knows where she went

Aidan – Not injured but has retired. Probably because he fears getting injured."

While I will agree with you that this is a frail group of individuals, I have to point out that injuries are what happen when you perform at the highest level possible.

Guys like Drake Komodo go out there and do everything they possibly can to win and to ensure that they earn their paycheck. James Raven was an active competitor for almost an entire year and was in Universal Title contention the entire time before finally tearing his hymen. Oren and Mia won the Tag Titles, and Mia went on to win the World Title, which you couldn't hold on to. Who did you lose that title to again? Oh yeah, Aidan Collins' old ass. From what I remember, he and Raven beat the fuck out of you and Emo, took your titles, and then left you broken down in the ring.

Guys who compete at the level they do are susceptible to injury. The only thing that gets hurt more are The Trinity's feelings.

For real, you can say all you want about main eventers having to take breaks due to injuries, but at least they don't quit because things aren't going their way. That's your crew, bitch. Those are your boys that constantly cry about things not being fair, them not being treated right, and them not getting the respect they think they deserve. It amazes me that the three of you haven't tried to go on strike. Actually, I guess it doesn't, because you have to have something people want to be able to keep it from them and for them to care.

No one cares about you, RJ. You tried to join up with Dante and Emo, thinking it would help raise your stock, but all it did was give you a temporary boost to main event status, and resulted in you losing your belt. Then they abandoned you, because you're a piece of shit. They were tired of carrying you and trying to convince everyone else that you actually are good, and eventually they broke under the weight of they hype the created for you.

Mind you, they created it. Not you. If it weren't for Emo and Dante, you'd have never made it to the main event at Zero Tolerance, and the fans wouldn't have voted you as Star of the Month twice. The only reason they did that is because Emo threw a bitch fit on the air about it, and you are a loser just like the fans, and the fans like to root for people they can identify with.

Now that The Trinity is gone, no one is going to push for you to get title shots anymore, and Dante isn't the GM so he won't be able to book you, or himself, in the main events anymore. I've beaten you, him and if Emo wouldn't have gotten his period, I'd beat him too.

And you may have a win over Drake Komodo by default because he didn't show up for your match, but his protege knocked you the fuck out and then pinned you, and I did the same thing to your boy the week prior. That makes me better than you, not by default, but by defeat. I beat you in the middle of the ring, motherfucker. You might hold one victory over Truth Until Death, but we hold three over you alone. When it comes to The Trinity's record against Truth Until Death, it's Trinity-1, Truth Until Death-7. The numbers don't lie.

 

Oh, somebody get this motherfucker a Waahburger and some French Cries, cause he just got wrecked.

Now, while I hate RJ Palmer and Steve Jason, and believe me I do, there is another member of the roster who I hate even more than those two.

No, I'm not talking about Williamz, as saying that I "hate" that dude would be an understatement. I loathe that motherfucker. I despise him. I hope that he gets hit by the biggest truck in history, flies into shark infested waters, gets his dick bitten off, then lives a long life and gets raped at the age of 80 and dies choking on an orderlies dick.

The guy I hate more than Steve Jason and RJ Palmer is Centurion, the XWF's unofficial, and unwanted historian.

The thing I hate about Centurion is his reluctance to accept that the XWF has moved on beyond the days in which he was considered good. Every single time this dude opens his mouth he has to mention the CCWF, The Brand, and Steve Jason, in a pathetic attempt to try and attach his name to the guys in this business whose names actually mean something, and times in the federation's history that were monumental.

The problem with Centurion is that he's average, and he knows it. That's why he spends countless hours and infinite promo's talking about the things he did when he was part of this group or that group, but the thing you'll notice about any of these so called "great" groups he was a part of, Centurion was always the weakest link.

Look at New Wave. I wasn't around for their first run, and thank fucking God for that. I was here for their second run, which started with Steve Jason surfing on a tight rope that was strung from the X-Tron to just above the ring in a Hawaiian shirt in what had to be the gayest entrance in the history of professional wrestling. The second run of the New Wave was quickly ended by the more dominant Truth Until Death when Drake Komodo and Blizzard dropped a chocolate wrecking ball on Steve Jason and helped his stablemate Boondock Saint win the match. You read that right, people. TUD despises Steve Jason so fucking much that they helped a member of his own stable beat him in a Lake Of Ice match. Where was Centurion when they were doing that to his idol?

Look at The Prophecy. James Raven and Roxy Nova beat the fuck out of everyone, Mia probably did something, none of it memorable, and Steve Jason and Centurion won the Tag Titles. You can't see it, but under my desk I'm dismissively wanking.

Name any stable that Centurion was a part of, and then look at the history of said stable. You'll find that Centurion is never the leader, and is always further down the talent scale than he himself would admit.

I could go on about how shitty Centurion is, but I'd rather just pwn him, so let's take a look at some of the bullshit that he says.

Centurion: "I want the best Steve Jason can throw at me. I want to know if I am on the same playing field as the greatest superstar to ever walk into the XWF. I need to know if I should still be going after the Universal Title, or if that ship sailed a long time ago."

Well, now that it's all over, you finally have your questions answered. You are a failure, and you're never going to be the Universal Champion again. As you put it, the ship sailed, and it sailed a long fucking time ago. Apparently, you weren't on board, because you continue to convince yourself that you still have what it takes, even when other people try to show you that you don't.

Luckily for you, the reality train is boarding, and I suggest you book yourself a seat. It's time you realized that the days where you could be successful by kissing Brown's ass, brown nosing Steve Jason, and trying to attach yourself to whatever stable happens to be around and dominating are over.

Nowadays in the XWF, you need to be talented to make it to the top. You have the be the absolute best version of yourself possible just to get a shot at the Universal Title, and you have to be better than you ever thought you could be to win it. Unfortunately, the best version of yourself isn't as good as the worst version of Steve Jason, because you did everything possible to beat him on Thursday, and you still came up short. The man that was in the ring with you on that night was not the Steve Jason that you tell tall tales of, but an old, broken down, version of him. You couldn't beat him, and you wouldn't have been able to beat anyone else involved in the tournament save for you initial opponent, who was Peter Gilmour.

Face it, Cent. If you'd have had to go against anyone else in that opening round, you wouldn't have made it, but Aidan Collins obviously saw the golden opportunity that was a match between you and Steve Jason, and gave you both easy opponents so that the fans would finally stop clamoring for the match. Well, now it's over, and the fans have discovered that just because something would've been awesome to see ten years ago, doesn't mean that the same thing would be awesome now, kind of like seeing Pam Anderson naked.

Centurion: We will deliver that match that everyone promised, I’m sure of that. People will be talking about it for years.

You should get it through your head that the match you think everyone else was talking about was just you and the rest of the "legends" catering to eachother's egos.

Among the rest of us, the actual workhorses that is, we all thought of it as a fucking joke. Obviously, Aidan Collins and Jensen Kent thought of it the same way, as it wasn't even the main event.

How the fuck can two legends clash after years and years of not facing eachother, and management has such little faith in the match that they don't even book it as the main event?

And as far as people talking about it for years, why the fuck would they? We got to see a ten minute match that involved two out of shape egomaniacs try and go for their finishing moves right off the bat until one of you hit it. It was like watching a game of roulette, where the only factor determining a winner was chance. Oh, what a back and forth, technically sound, surprising, and entertaining match that was! People will be talking about it for years! Talking about how much you both let them down! Talking about how they should've known not to expect a half decent showdown between the two of you!

I'm really curious as to whether or not you even went in there trying to win, or if you just laid down for Steve Jason like a good little bitch. Seriously, go back and watch the tape of that match. If it were any more of a work, SJ would've beaten you with the fingerpoke of doom. Cent goes out there and goes for his finisher, goes for some other bullshit, gets a near fall on SJ, then gets hit with the Shockwave and doesn't even try to kick out. Fucking pathetic.

Centurion: "I do plan on winning this match, and going all the way to win the Universal Title. And that…

...IS UNDENIABLE!!"

Really? Did you really steal Steve Jason's catchphrase? Who are you, Brad Pierce?

You motherfuckers that think it's cool to end your promo's with your opponents catchphrases aren't being witty or bright. You're just proving that you're not smart or clever enough to come up with one of your own.

Anyway, the fact that you're going to go on to win the tournament is obviously deniable, because SJ is competing against Jason Mudd this week and you've been downgraded to the opening match, which will take place depending on whether or not Dunham's crew even shows up.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen! Maybe next week you'll be in a triple threat with Gilmour and Zane in a "who has the smallest dick?" match. I think it's about time you realized that your days, which were numbered to begin with, are fucking over, and you should get on that ship and set sail.

People are tired of you, and your played out gimmick. So what if you're a billionaire? Drake Komodo pulled it off better than you did. So what if you're a legend? Guys like Aidan Collins can actually ensure that the title still has some amount of prestige while people like you, Williamz, and SJ do everything to destroy it. And so fucking what if you were in the CCWF! Everyone else that was there has taken the fucking hint and moved on because they don't have what it takes anymore.

I think it's time for you to not only see, but to read and understand the writing on the wall.

It says, "Get Fucking Lost".

 

Yeah, I wouldn't be able to face me either, you overrated punk. Then again, maybe he's thinking about some useless fact from a forgotten era when he and Nick Nitro and Peter Stanton were in a stable that did absolutely nothing and that no one cared about. Seriously, this dude is the biggest stable whore in the history of the XWF. This dude has been in more stable's than dudes have been in Paris Hilton. He's been a part of more gang activity than 50 Cent and Tupac combined. He's such a follower that when he drives his motorcycle, he rides in the sidecar.

Okay, that last one isn't really possible, considering Centurion isn't manly enough to own a motorcycle, but you get the idea. Besides, all of that vibration on his clit would make him cum too much, and he'd crash it before he got out of his driveway, which is paved with printouts of XWF statistics.

Anyway, seeing as how I've mentioned damn near everyone else in the tournament, I'd seriously regret not crushing one of the men who actually has the possibility of making it through, considering he beats Steve Jason this week.

This man is quite possibly the most homosexual wrestler to enter the ring since Dan Fierce, and from what I hear, he can be found at your local truck stop anytime after midnight. He is the man who wears extra tight shirts that always seem to be drenched, and who spends more time styling his hair before a match than stretching. He is the star of the Muddpitt, which coincidentally is what his asshole is nicknamed. He is the extremely talented poledancer, and mediocre wrestler, Jason Mudd!

Jason Mudd: "Legend after Legend after fucking Legend. I can only HOPE that Jayzon Williamz doesn't run out of gas and makes it to Rage in the Cage too..."

So basically, what Jason Mudd is saying, is that he wants to face all of the legends on his way to a Universal Title win at Rage in the Cage. Why? Because it'd be like playing poker and being able to see your opponents' hand, that's why!

Seriously, could there be an easier path to the title match than the one this motherfucker has laid out for him right now?

First round, he gets Dynamic Dynamite. How in the fuck is Dynamic Dynamite even allowed to compete in this sport? Is someone making sure this son of a bitch is getting bloodwork every week? For real, the only thing more tainted than DD's blood is Barry Bonds' homerun record. Doesn't having HIV hinder his in ring performance? The dude has more losses than he has white blood cells, and somehow he continues to get booked.

So Mudd obviously breezes past that motherfucker, and then in the second round he draws BOONDOCK FUCKING SAINT?!

How the fuck did he get that lucky? Having to compete against Boonie in a wrestling match would be like trying to talk Lindsay Lohan into blowing you, or talking Mary-Kate Olsen into skipping a meal. For Christ's sake, the motherfucker steals everything! He stole his old promo's and his old gimmicks from another wrestling federation that I shall not name, and he stole his fucking name from a shitty movie. Seriously, The Boondock Saints is the most overrated fucking movie in the history of overrated fucking movies, and it was directed by an egomaniacal, white trash idiot from South Boston. The dialogue was fucking stupid, and the action wasn't stylelized, it was fucking retarded. Willem Dafoe was the only thing watchable in that movie, and even he couldn't save it from the five dollar bins at K-Mart. Much like that movie, Boonie is B-list, if not lower. Go try and look for his action figure at Wal-mart, I guarantee you find it alone on the shelves, maybe next to that Peter Gilmour figure that one wants either. Hitler has sold more figures than those two assholes.

So, obviously Mudd destroys Saint and moves on to face Steve Jason in the semifinals, and the dude couldn't be happier! He knows that Steve Jason is overrated, and that he's not the man he used to be. He knows that while he is in the prime of his career, Steve Jason is on a decline that started five fucking years ago.

Jason Mudd knows that everyone else is going to count him out, and that Steve Jason is going to overlook him, and that when he does whoop SJ's ass, the entire world is going to look at him as if he's some sort of infallible wrestling deity.

But he and I will know the truth: Jason Mudd got the easiest path to the Universal Title match possible, and the difference in the level of skill between me and the rest of the people he's had the good grace of facing over the past few weeks is not only on a different planet, but it's in a different galaxy.

So, he's going to do everything in his power to ensure that I don't make it to that main event at Rage In The Cage. He's going to pray to the Lord that Ace Vincent slips at some point during the match and tears his ACL, thereby giving Williamz the win by TKO. When I beat Williamz, he's going to attack me and try to end my career prematurely. Of course, I'll see it coming and will be avoid it, so he'll go home and pray that I get into a plane crash on my way to the show. When my plane lands safely on the runway and I arrive at the arena, he'll hope that I get the main event jitters and won't perform at the best of my ability. When that doesn't happen, and I beat him in the middle of the ring, and all of that praying failed him, and all of the hoping didn't stop this event, he'll realize that no matter what you do, you cannot stop fate.

Winning the Universal Title is not just something that I want, it's my destiny. It is my fate to win that thing, and to wear it around my waist for years to come. It's time for the new face of the XWF to step up and to take his place on the top of the mountain, and there's nothing anyone in this motherfucker can do to stop me.

Afterwards, the only thing Jason Mudd will be able to do is ask the heavens, "Why, oh Lord? Why couldn't it be me?". And the Lord will say unto him, "Oh Jason Mudd, there are so many reasons. Maybe it's because I hate your hair-do, and maybe it's because I hate your pig nose, and maybe it's because I hate your stupid name and the way you spell it with two 'd's'". To which Jason will respond by asking, "But aren't I created in your image?". And the Lord will of course look down upon him like the insect that he is and he will laugh and say, "Are you fucking stupid? The Lord's face is chiseled and covered with a manly beard, and the Lord would never spend two hours trying to make his hair reflect the idea that he had just got out of bed! The Lord gets up, gets a blowjob from Mary Magdalene, then he goes and watches the Philadelphia Eagles and eats a steak sandwich! A literal steak sandwich, you veagan bitch! That's a piece of steak inside of two other pieces of steak! Then the Lord takes a holy shit and jerks off to an issue of Penthouse. One time, my holy jizz dripped down and mixed with my jubilous dookie, and two children were created! Their names were Jayzon WIlliamz and Jason Mudd! You two are my bastard creations and turned into epic failures who can't fucking spell "mud" or "Williams"!"

After this glorious revelation, Jason will become a prophet and move to Afghanistan, and shortly thereafter he'll be kidnapped by the Taliban and forced to service their camels.

With his mouth.

Someone should inform this motherfucker that this is professional wrestling, not figure skating! Nice tie, butt pirate. No joke, I found this picture in an add on Craigslist under the "men seeking men" section.

Do you think he's the pitcher or the catcher?

Oh, who the fuck are we kidding? This dude has caught more balls than Jerry Rice. He's had more wieners in his mouth than Kobayashi. He's serviced more tail-pipes than Meineke.

And now that I'm warmed up, I can finally turn my attention to the man I'll have the pleasure of murdering this week, Jayzon Williamz.

Jayzon Williamz: The winner of you two gets the privilege to get in the ring wit' the greatest to ever do it.

Oh, I didn't realize that The Brand was involved in this tournament.

Wait, you're talking about yourself?

Holy shit are you delusional, son. First off, who the fuck even remembered you besides Cent and Fuzz? Seriously, when they were trying to redo the Hall of Legends last year, you were left off of the list until Centurion brought it up to management.

I think the conversation went a little something like this:

Centurion said, "Hey guys, when you redid the Hall of Legends, you left out Jayzon Williamz!"

Management responded by saying, "And? Who the fuck is that?"

Centurion shit his pants, then pulled out a tape of a promo that you recorded ten years ago and couldn't play it because no one watches tapes anymore. He then cried out, "But he won the Universal title and we were best friends before I was best friends with Steve Jason, but after I was best friends with The Brand! I hadn't even met James Raven yet, but somewhere out there, more best friends were waiting for me, but I was in the CCWF-"

Management cut him off quickly as they knew if they didn't put an end to his rant about it, he would go on and on about the past for days and days until they couldn't take it anymore. "Okay, we'll put him in the hall if you get the fuck out of here and go change your shorts."

Centurion beamed like a retarded kid finding a penny, and shouted "Boy is that swell! Remember, his name is Jayzon Williamz! Jayzon, with a 'z', and Williamz with a 'z'! Don't forget those z's, fellas! They're super important!"

Then management told him to get the fuck outta there, and they added you to the Hall Of Legends, not knowing about you, not caring about you, and not even trying to track you down.

If you noticed, most of the legends of this place are still around, and it's not because they never left, but it's because Jonathyn Brown constantly badgered them and begged them to come back, and the legends being the tools that 90% of them are, followed the orders of their glorious leader!

And aren't you supposedly friends with Fuzz? Why is it that when he bought the XWF from Jon Brown, he didn't call you? Why is it that when he needed people to help keep things afloat in the XWF, he turned to James Raven and Aidan Collins?

It's because everyone forgot about you, bitch, even your "best friend".

Also, you should learn how to fucking enunciate. Wit da best eva? Can we get this motherfucker a translator? Do they have translators for ebonics? Wasn't that Obama's job before he got into politics? I heard he helped Jew record executives broker deals with rappers.

And as far as it being a privilege, don't fucking flatter yourself. It's not a privilege to have to share the spotlight with you, and it's not a privilege to have to deal with you week in and week out. To be honest, I'm pretty fucking tired of you, but luckily for me, after I knock your gigantic fucking teeth out on Thursday night, that'll be the end of whatever this is.

By the way, have you people ever looked at this motherfucker's teeth? They're so big and white, it looks like he ate a picket fence. Who the fuck is your father, Mr Ed? Mighty Joe Young? You should smile less, motherfucker, it looks like you've got a piano in your mouth. Seriously, when I punch this dude in the teeth, I'm expecting to hear Fur Elise play. No, retard, that's not a song about a white girl, it's a fucking symphony written by Beethoven, who you probably haven't heard of because I don't think Dr Dre's ever sampled him.

Jayzon Williamz: "I do think you are going to win the match Palmer. Actually, I think you are going to dominate Vincent and expose him. I don't want you to though. I want to be the one to expose that little punk Ace Vincent."

Hmm, so it looks like your wish came true, but as the saying goes, be careful what you wish for. In beating RJ Palmer I showed the fans, the critics, and you that I'm not here to fuck around. I beat a former World Champion, which means nothing to me, but for some reason, people act as if that's something to get excited over.

So your prediction was wrong, which isn't surprising, because you're a fucking dumbass.

And the only exposing that's going to be going on is me exposing my genitals to your mother after I whoop her son's ass at Anarchy. She'll then expose her tonsils, which will expose my weakness for women who give good gummers.

I'm sure you didn't get that because entendre is difficult for men who can't even spell, so I'll just lay it out in layman's terms, or I can even put it into street code for you:

I'm going to fuck your mom's mouth.

Oh, she's dead? Well, I guess she won't move around a lot.

Jayzon Williamz: "What is with your fascination of Fred Durst? How many times can you call a guy Fred Durst? I don't even know who the fuck Fred Durst is yet Ace Vincent seems to call me him or refer to him every ten minutes."

Jesus fucking Christ, can someone please explain this to him? Nick Ryan has a better sense of humor than you. Seriously, you have the personality of a tree.

I don't think I've ever called you Fred Durst. I said that you ripped him off, and I said it because he, like you, replaced the letter "s" with the letter "z". He purposely spelled things wrong because in the 90's, him and everyone else like him- see: you-were big fans of "kewl".

"Kewl" is spelling shit wrong. Snoop Dogg, Korn, Kool's, Killa Beez, Kottonmouth Kings, Limp Bizkit, etcetera. "Kewl" is getting your fucking nose pierced, you fucking fairy. I seriously could not believe it when I saw that your nose was pierced. Who are you, Madonna?

Oh, let me guess, you don't know who Madonna is either. How the fuck can you claim you don't know who Fred Durst is? Did you live under a fucking rock in 99? You can claim whatever the fuck you want, but no one honestly believes that you of all people don't know who he is. You're a fucking gangsta', right? So you probably like Wu Tang, right? Method Man did a song with the motherfucker, which means that you've heard of him. In fact, I'd bet dollars to donuts that you have purchased a Limp Bizkit cd at some point in your life.

The entire Fred Durst comparison is just my way of saying that I think you're an idiot who copied off of another idiot, and I was actually wrong. In reality, you're a fucking idiot who copied off of a bunch of other idiots, and forged a character based on other shitty characters that already existed.

Ice Cube is a character. Snoop Dogg is a character. Jayzon Williamz is just the afterbirth left over from the initial creation of these other fucking retards.

Jayzon Williamz: You seem to think that I'm not dominating the XWF. Well last time I checked I'm undefeated and already have won a title.

You mention that you've won a title, but you purposely left out that the title you won is the fucking X-treme title, and you won it from one of Dunham's flakes. The X-treme title is a piece of shit, and can be won by anyone at anytime in anyplace. Seriously, a maid could sneak into your hotel room while you're sleeping, lay on you for three seconds, and she's the fucking champ. Technically, if you get laid while you're the champ, and a bitch, or in your case, a dude, is on top of you for three seconds, you lose the title.

Are you really proud of being the X-treme champion? Aren't you a former Universal champion? So basically, you used to eat filet mignon, but now you're eating rump roast, and you're fucking bragging about it?

And as far as being undefeated, that's not true. Don't pretend that your previous record doesn't exist just because no one remembers it. Who the fuck knows how bad you were before you fizzled out?

Well, for starters, you do, and based on how adamant you are about keeping it locked down, it must've been fucking bad. Some people probably believe that you meant to say you're undefeated since you've come back, but I think those people give you too much credit. Your ego is bigger than Kim Kardashian's ass, and in your mind, you truly believe that you are undefeated, which makes you a pathological liar. Oh, that's right, you're also retarded, so I have to explain that to you. It means that you believe the lies you tell.

And you think that just because I haven't done shit in the XWF that you are better than me?

Before the Universal Title tournament, you were doing whatever you possibly could just to get a shot at the piece of shit World Title. How long were you here before you even got a chance to call Rizza out?

Me on the other hand, I had one fucking match and was immediately thrown into the Universal Title tournament. One match, dude.

Who else in the XWF would have that opportunity? Who else in the world would be able to show that they are the greatest wrestler alive by beating a person so decisively in their comeback match?

You see, I haven't accomplished much in this motherfucker, or at least that's what I want you to think. Yeah, I've won a few titles here, but I'm not going to name them. I don't need to have someone else measure my dick to know that I'm hung like a horse. I don't need to throw out the shit I've done to get some cheap attention.

You're like one of those assholes at the strip club who makes it rain one dollar bills in some sort of pathetic attempt to make themselves seem better than they are. We all know you won the Universal title, bitch. However, we also know how corrupt Jonathyn Brown was. He didn't care about talent, he only cared about what you could do for him. If you did everything he told you to do, he would give you the easiest possible match for the Universal title, or he'd fix the outcome of the match to ensure that whoever he wanted to win prevailed. There were fast counts, drugged meals, and flat out dives, and all of you people who think it's not true are just lying to yourselves.

You should all have asterisks next to your stats, because none of those title wins are legit.

Jayzon Williamz: "When people were asked who the favorite to win the Universal Title Tournament would be, how many people do you think said Ace Vincent? Not a damn one! How many people have picked me to win the tournament? More than I can count."

That's not surprising, considering it would only take more than ten people for you to have to stop counting.

This is actually a good point, because initially, not many people were picking me to win the tournament.

The facts were: Ace has had one match, and it was against Damien Bates. Sure, Ace whooped that dude's ass and choked him out, but he probably won't be able to do that against a former champion.

Then they went like this: Ace beat Dante, who was a former US Champion. That means he's definitely okay, but Dante is a crybaby bitch and hasn't competed in a while. He won't be able to beat a former world champion.

Then this happened: Oh shit, Ace not only beat RJ Palmer, but he knocked him the fuck out and pinned him. Uhh, I think Ace Vincent is the real deal.

Take a look at the fan sites, motherfucker. Everyone and their mother is picking Ace Vincent to win not only against you, but to win the entire thing. Backstage, almost everyone has picked me by a fucking landslide victory, save for Peter Gilmour, who only roots for the losers because he likes to vote for people he can identify with.

So what's it like, Jayzon, to have to listen to all of these people who believed you to be the best in the business up until last week suddenly turn and look at me and say, "Oh fuck! That dude is younger, better, and hungrier that Williamz could ever hope to be!"? What's it like to have everyone lose faith in you?

You don't have to answer that, because the answer is pretty obvious: you're going to follow suit. You're going to lose faith in yourself.

Shit, the match hasn't even started yet, and I've already beaten you down mentally. I waged verbal warfare on you from the moment I saw you because I knew that you would be one of the ones to stand in my way, and I knew that you'd probably be the only one to put up something that resembled a fight. So I did what all great soldiers do before they go to battle and I fucking played mindgames with you. I called you out, I made fun of you, and I said all of the things that no one else in this place has the balls to say.

I've called you old, I've called you a has-been, and I've pointed out just how fucking stupid your name and gimmick are.

And while we're on the subject of you being old, everything I've said about Steve Jason goes double for you, if not triple. I seriously didn't think it would be possible for a man to shit on a legacy that no one remembered, but you're proving me wrong in that case.

Jayzon Williamz: That bitch even tries to touch me and I will fuck her like that bitch from Eagle County, Colorado who accused Kobe of raping her just because he fucked her so hard she couldn't handle it.

Wow, a black man threatening to rape a white woman. Let me put my surprised face on. Anyway, I didn't realize that you were there videotaping it. How the fuck did you know where that happened off hand?

Did you really accuse me of being gay, and then go on to talk about Kobe Bryant's sexual prowess with such adoration that the only way you'd be so smitten is if you'd have actually been under him at one point in time? Yeah, I think you fucking did.

Jayzon Williamz: I'll show you the real meaning of Thug Life.

You know what's so hilarious about you motherfuckers that try to hang on to this notion of "thug life"? You don't realize how pathetic you are.

You're like that fat, bald dude that works at a car wash and talks about his glory days in high school, where he was the star quarterback, and used to bang Mary Jane Rottencrotch in the back of his pickup.

You're like that motherfucker who works at the carnival and still rocks a mullet, a Motley Crue t-shirt, and drives a Firebird, and talks about the 80's and how awesome the times were until Kurt Cobain and Eddie Vedder came and shit all over their party.

Thug life is a fucking cliche now, and the fact that you don't realize it makes you a delusional idiot. The men who created it have gone on to realize that "thug life" is stupid, and the people who live by it's code should grow the fuck up. The death of "thug life" can be summed up by one picture:

Yeah, I think it's safe to say that "Thug Life" is officially dead, and your career is going to follow after it.

And it's not even like you can claim that Ice Cube is the only one that fell off the wagon. Snoop makes songs about Sookie Stackhouse from True Blood, which is the gayest, whitest show on television. Dr Dre makes shitty Dr Pepper commercials. Puff Daddy became P Diddy, to Diddy, to P, to whatever the fuck his name is now, and posts videos of himself on the internet while peeing in an airport bathroom. Biggie, Easy E, and Tupac are dead, which in the end turned out to be a good thing, because all of their friends learned that dying for something as stupid as living "thug life" is a fucking stupid way to go out.

You, my friend, are holding on to something that everyone else has learned to let go. I think it's time you did the same.

Just look at this fucking tool, trying to pretend that he's hard with that nose ring in and that pinky ring on.

The only thing that makes Jayzon Williamz hard is a young boy's stomach.

Ohhh, someone get this dude some ointment, because he just got fucking burned. Torched! Set ablaze! Look at that word, moron. The "z" belongs there. Actually, when I look at it that way, you actually have a lot in common with the misplaced "z's" in your name. You don't fucking belong.

It's time for you to pack up your leather overalls, your backwards bandana that you got from the dollar store, your nose and pinky rings, your ten dollar chain, and your gigantic fucking teeth, and get lost. Hell, take the X-treme title with you too, nobody wants that shit anyway. Maybe you can hang it up where you dignity used to be. Oh, your dignity? It's coming with me. I'm going to have it pulverized and turn it into rolls of toilet paper. I wanna be just like you, and wipe shit all over it.

This feud, if you can call it that, ends on Thursday night when I beat the absolute fuck out of you and leave you bloody, broken, and beaten in the middle of the ring. It ends when I set the ladder up over your lifeless body and climb my way to the top of it, reaching the briefcase and cementing my status as the number one contender for the Universal Title.

You had a good run, Williamz. No one can take that away from you. What I can take away from you is your ability to walk, and come Thursday night, my intentions are just that.

This is the truth according to Ace Vincent.

Truth Until Death.