First, I'd like to give a nice, warm welcome to the ten fans that I have left. If you watched Anarchy last week, you saw a large crowd of South Africans boo Ace Vincent like his name was Michael Vick and they were 10,000 members of PETA.

You also saw me not giving a shit, and going on to beat the man they were so passionate about cheering for, Jayzon Williamz. I didn't take it personally, because after all, we were in Africa, and I'm white and Jayzon is black. Racism could be the only reason people would cheer for that piece of shit over me.

Now that we're in a brand new country, and I'm still getting booed, I've finally accepted the fact that I'm just too goddamned good looking, intelligent, and successful for the common man to appreciate me. Well, I'm fine with that. The common man appreciates people like George Bush. The common man is the reason Rush Limbaugh has a fucking radio show. The common man is the reason that a pervert like the Pope can admit to covering up pedophilia and still remain the ruler of two-thirds of the world's Christian population.

What the fuck is wrong with you people?

Whatever, I suppose we'll get to that. Right now, I want to address that ashy bastard who boldly proclaimed last week that he was going to make me his bitch right after he fucked my girlfriend.

Bree put him to the test, and after a simple kiss, the dude passed out. Now, I don't want to say that he's never kissed a girl, but the last time this guy got laid, Clinton was still in office. Plus, white girls are like Kryptonite for black guys, and the thoughts of her awesome credit score and imagining her dad's reaction to her bringing him home probably fried his fucking brain.

Obviously, after a match like that, I had to take some time to recuperate, so I took five minutes to rest the sprained pinky I acquired when I was setting up the ladder early on in the match, and I was good after that. I'm sure most of you thought that I was going to be pretty banged up from the numerous bumps I took from the top of the ladder, but there's no way in hell that Jayzon Williamz could hurt Ace Vincent, because he is a pussy. He couldn't hurt me if he were painkillers and I were Brittany Murphy.

Awww, too soon?

After all of the shit-talking, and all of the threats, the showdown between myself and Jayzon Williamz came down to me being tougher mentally and well prepared. I was the one with the foresight to bring Bree down to the ring, and I was the one who was smart enough to realize that Williamz would give up a chance at the title because of a little friendly banter if I pushed him far enough.

Okay, maybe the banter wasn't all that friendly, but it was easy as hell to taunt that motherfucker off the top of the ladder when he had victory almost literally in his grasp. Of course when I taunted him that idiot did what idiots do, and he dropped down to the ring to try and shut me up. However, that can never be done, as I'll be running my mouth until my lungs stop working and my heart stops beating.

Honestly, I think WIlliamz set a record for quickest regret ever when his feet left that ladder and touched down to the ring mat, because within seconds I was beating his ass and on my way to Rage in the Cage.

Ultimate victory, however, came because of the masked man who continues to get involved in my business. He dresses up like Greenman, and for those of you who live overseas, or don't enjoy watching quality television programming, he is actually a character from "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia", which is quite possibly the greatest comedy show in television history. If it's not the best, it's a very close second to Two And A Half Men.

Obviously, that was a joke. The only way Two And A Half Men could be less funny is if it were a Holocaust documentary, or a Steve Jason promo.

What the fuck? I didn't even mean to say that. It's like I love to rip on this guy so much that I'm developing Tourette's.

So Greenman attacked us both, but one of us was able to fight him off, climb the ladder, and grab the briefcase. Yeah, that man was me.

Not that anyone was surprised. Williamz was the favorite to win the tournament early on, but once everyone got to see what Ace Vincent is all about, they changed their tune. Now, no one can stop singing my praises. Ace Vincent is the greatest thing since sliced bread, even if he is an asshole.

And yeah, I'm a fucking dick. So what. It clearly works for me. And in the spirit of being a dick, I'm going to make fun of every one of you motherfuckers until I lose my voice, and when I say every one, I mean every one.

 

 

No one in the world wants to see their name on the list, kind of like finding out you have AIDS. Well, like AIDS, if you would've protected yourself properly, you'd be safe right now. However, the only way to protect yourself form being pwned is to be friends with Ace Vincent, and luckily for all of the Quotepwner fans, Ace Vincent has no friends.

Now, everyone is waiting to see what I have to say about Steve Jason this week, and how I'm going to pwn him, but Quotepwner is guaranteed fireworks, and everyone knows that the best part of going to the fireworks is the grand finale. Stick around to see the finish and I promise you that you won't be disappointed.

So who's going to be first? It has to be an easy target who not only deserves to be crushed, but in not crushing him, I would be doing the world a disservice. He should be obscenely tall, border on mentally retarded, and use more peroxide in his to sanitize the ring after Dynamic Dynamite's been bleeding in it.

Oh, Zach Rizza! I didn't see you come in! Have a seat! It's time to get pwned!

Zach Rizza: Look at the people that are in this ring with me. Look at the talent that I have in that ring during the triple threat match. I mean, it’s almost like looking in a time machine at my career. I know I say that a lot when talking about me, but…come on and take a look at the people that are going to be in that ring.

Jesus fucking Christ, how many times can you say the word "ring" in thirty seconds? We get it, you want us to look at the people in the ring.

A lot of people are going to look at that quote and say, "Ace, why that quote? Couldn't you pick one in which he actually said something relevant or at least coherent?"

No, I fucking couldn't. The quote used is a pretty good example of how Zach Rizza's mind works: poorly. The dude is a fucking moron, and the only reason he's the World champion right now is because he's 7 feet tall and weighs 300 plus pounds, and he beat a 120 pound fitness model in a fucking wrestling match. Congratulations on beating up a girl to win the World Title, Rizza! Your father must be so proud to see you follow in his footsteps! With the woman-beating, I mean. Not the success.

What Zach Rizza was trying to say here is that the people who were in the ring with him on that night were not hacks, but serious threats to him. That was a flat-out lie. Let's look at who was in the ring with him that night: Nick Ryan and Justin Zane.

Really? You're threatened by an aging psychopath and a shitty wrestler?

Hold on a second. Didn't Nick Ryan die like three years ago in a liquor store robbery? What happened with that? Why is it that when people like George Carlin or Richard Pryor die, they stay dead, and when pieces of shit like Nick Ryan die, they always fucking come back? If that's not proof that there is no God, then I don't know what is.

Anyway, Zach Rizza is trying to make to it seem like he's going to be challenged by these two nobodies, and he was actually telling the truth. How sad is that? How sad is it that the World Champion is actually going to have a hard time beating the retarded Ryan brother and the main character from One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest?

Well, not only did Zach Rizza have a hard time winning, he straight up fucking lost to a guy who was wrestling in only his second match with the company. Need I say more? The World Champ lost to the greenest fucking rookie on the roster, which should prove two things: The first being that up until early last month, the XWF was fucking talentless, and the second being that Zach Rizza has only ever won a major title by either beating someone who was burnt out, or someone with a vagina. Coincidentally, Zach Rizza has a vagina, but due to years of steroid abuse, his clitoris is so elongated that he's able to pass it off as a very tiny penis, and that's a fucking fact that I just made up. Okay, even if it's not a clit, that dude has the smallest dick I've ever seen, and don't get hung up on the fact that I've seen this guy's weiner, because it's actually not my fault. In case you haven't heard, Rizza has a gigantic man crush on me, and constantly sends me picture messages of his wang, which I guess you could call "dicture messages".

I tried to report him to the FBI, but they told me that the size of the alleged penis leads them to believe that the offender is either sending me pictures of his pinky, or of an unsharpened number 2 pencil. There is no fucking justice in the world.

Then again, the most overrated star in the history of this company has a needle dick, so I guess that's something.

Zach Rizza: Justin Zane? That’s all I kept hearing night in and night out. “Oh my God! Look at the talent! Look at the young Zach Rizza! Look at Justin Zane, he’s fucking awesome!”You know how bad that sounds, Justin? You know how shitty I feel? Knowing that a guy like YOU is getting praises of being a young ME? Do you know what that does to me? It brings me down, it makes me angry, it pisses…me…off. Knowing that some punk kid is getting called the future me.

Looks like Zach Rizza has been doing too much fucking peyote again, because I don't think anyone called Justin Zane the "future Zach Rizza". Seriously, who would be that mean?

The young Zach Rizza was a dorky, straight-laced, cookie cutter fucking babyface that everyone hated like a rash. Zach Rizza always did the right thing, no matter what! Zach Rizza never cursed! He took his vitamins, and drank his milk, and said his prayers, and wore Jesus-jammies to sleep in his race-car bed. Vroom vroom, bitch!

It's a little known fact that during Ace Vincent's initial run in the XWF, he won the US Title. That fact is little known because I don't take too much pride in beating the likes of Krazzy Kidd and Zach Rizza. That's like beating Stephen Hawkings in a race up a flight of stairs. Of course I beat the piss out of the young Zach Rizza, and the awful Krazzy Kidd. That's why wrestlers like them are kept on the fucking payroll! To make guys like me look good!

If it weren't for injuries, contract disputes, and heart attacks, Zach Rizza would still be clawing for a shot at the X-Treme title, which he's won 17 times and lost 17 fucking times. Zach Rizza has dropped the X-Treme title more than Paris Hilton has dropped her panties for coke. How the fuck do you drop a title that many times and still consider yourself to be an elite wrestler?

I'd also like to know how you get booked in one of the most blatant squash matches of all time, and you manage to fucking lose it. Bliz was obviously trying to make his World Champion look good going into the pay-per-view, a plan you fucked up worse than a haircut from Michael J. Fox.

All of this wouldn't be that big of a surprise had you had to defend your title at some point during this month, but you were pretty content with cruising along this month and losing not once, but fucking twice. You lost to Williamz, which is understandable considering that I'm the only person in the company who could beat him. But then, you go and allow Justin fucking Zane to get a win over you a week before you're scheduled to defend your title.

Needless to say, a lot of people are going to be placing bets on your title match at Rage in the Cage, and why the fuck wouldn't they? It's not every day you have a guaranteed win come along, or in your case a guaranteed loss. Three men are walking into your that match at Rage in the Cage, and one of them has showed that he doesn't have what it takes to hang at the top.

That one man is you, Zach, and after Sunday, you'll be well on your way to winning and losing the X-Treme title for the eighteenth time. No amount of peroxide is going to bleach that loss from your record, you fucking oaf, though I'm sure Nick Ryan will be eager to form another shitty team with you. Maybe this time you should call yourselves "Zero Ability".

And we're off to a running fucking start. Funny thing about this dude, his mouth is always open that wide, even when he's just standing around. It's my suspicion that he's just waiting for me to swing down from the rafters with my pants off so he can catch my balls in his mouth and finally fulfill his greatest fantasy: having me inside of him.

Holy shit is that a fucking vein in his head or is all of the spaghetti he's been sucking down fucking trying to escape? It's either that, or a fucking worm tunneled into his head. Actually, that wouldn't surprise me, considering he has the personality of bait. For real, who here would be surprised if tomorrow we found out that Zach Rizza is actually under the control of a parasitic life form who's only goal in life is to swallow as much semen as possible in order to repopulate his home planet?

Anyway, I'll stop making fun of this homosexual neanderthal and move on to more important game. Namely, Jayzon Williamz. Now, I realize that last week I absolutely embarrassed him with that picture of his idol, but you can't really be mad at me for pointing out the facts that are already there.

From what I heard, Williamz wasn't too happy that I beat him either, and will undoubtedly call me a cheater, a pussy, and whatever else he can think of to try and make himself feel better after losing to a "nobody", which was his favorite, and pretty much only, insult for me.

Well, that and calling me a "porn star". Seriously, he used that porn star line at least twenty times over the past two weeks. Not that it bothers me, because I think he was just trying to compliment me on my giant wang and revered sexual prowess.

Anyway, his flattery didn't work, because I still went out there and beat the fuck out of him, snatched the briefcase, and moved on to the finals of the tournament.

Him?

I hear he got thrown off of the stage and onto a bunch of blazing tables, which doesn't surprise me, because he's a total flamer.

Here's what he had to say prior to that match:

Jayzon Williamz: I'm so used to fighting in main events I don't even know what it would be like to be anywhere else on the card.

I never thought it would be so gratifying to knock someone down a few pegs, but putting you in your place feels so good that I'm thinking about doing it more often.

Jayzon Williamz describes himself as cocky, which isn't surprising to anyone. His opinion of himself is higher than Joe Rogan on April 20th. The thing about someone being cocky is that they're also usually delusional. Nobody likes a cocky asshole, least of all me.

Confidence, on the other hand, is an attribute that everyone can appreciate. Take me, for example. I'm not cocky, I'm fucking confident. When I go out to that ring on Thursday nights, I'm confident in my ability to win, and to perform at the highest level. I don't go out there expecting to win, I go out there knowing it.

After the ass beating I gave you last week, you're going to realize that it's no longer enough for you to expect to win, but now, in my day and age, you're going to have to work for it.

Your time is over, motherfucker. Mine is just beginning. If you want to earn yourself a spot amongst this roster, and truly prove yourself as one of the elites, then you need to go out there every single night a work for it. It was obvious to me on Thursday that it'd been a long time since you'd really been challenged, and as I expected, you failed to rise to the occasion.

The thing I'm most afraid of is that the loss is going to break you, and believe me when I say that I don't want that. I want nothing more than for you to go back to square one, and to reinvent yourself, and for you to come back as a better version of you. Then I want to beat the fuck out of that better version just to show you that the best version of Jayzon Williamz isn't even close to being as good as the worst version of Ace Vincent.

Jayzon Williamz: It's finally time for me and Ace Vincent to get in the ring with each other. Something that Ace seems to have wanted for a long time. It almost seemed like he wanted a piece of me before he even came back. He mentioned me in his very first promo. I still didn't even know who the fuck he is. Hell, I still don't know who the fuck he is.

Why the fuck did you repeat yourself? Is the Alzheimer's finally getting to you? It's like I've been saying for the past few weeks, you old motherfuckers have no business getting into the ring with a young stud like me.

The reason I fucked with you right from the get-go as opposed to someone like Centurion or Steve Jason, is because those two are the most boring people alive. What the fuck do they do to contribute to anything here? They're not entertaining, they did absolutely nothing to promote this World Tour, or this Universal Title Tournament, and they're promo's are about as much fun as testicular cancer. I'd rather go to the Gathering of the Juggalo's and throw my own shit at Tila Tequila then watch one of their interviews.

You're boring, but you're nowhere near the level of garbage that those two geeks are. You have an established name, and up until last Thursday, you were revered as one of the best ever. It's also extremely easy to push your buttons.

So in my mind, it would be extremely beneficial to engage someone like that, knowing full well that I could beat you, that I'm better on the mic than you, and that I could manipulate you into just about anything, including jumping down from the top of a ladder when you were just inches away from victory.

Now that it's all over, you finally know who the fuck I am. I'm the guy that's better than you.

Jayzon Williamz: People like Ace Vincent are the reason I smoke so much weed. They're just too damn stupid. Ace Vincent is just too damn stupid.

Okay, maybe it's not Alzheimer's, and you've actually done what Johnny Depp warned me about when I was a kid with those frying pan and egg commercials. This is your brain on drugs, Williamz.

You're like that old man, sitting on his porch, stopping passerby's to tell them about how great your life used to be.

Well, let me be the one to tell you that your stories are boring, no one cares about the old days, and you have officially turned into a broken record. No, you don't just sound like one, you've actually morphed into one.

Ace is stupid. Ace Vincent is a porn star's name. Who the fuck is Ace Vincent? Who the fuck is Jason Mudd? Who the fuck is Drake Komodo? I'm in the main event. For fuck's sake, people could turn your promo's into a drinking game.

Take a shot every time Jayzon Williamz mentions his previous accomplishments. Drink a sip every time he asks who someone is. Two drinks every time he talks about himself being in main events. Chug your beer if he calls Ace Vincent a porn star.

Christ, you're pretty much guaranteed to suffer from alcohol poisoning within five minutes.

Jayzon Williamz: (referring to Zach Rizza) Meanwhile everybody knew I was winning my match agaisnt a guy who is arguably in the top 5 in this business right now.

Holy fucking shit is that the overstatement of the millennium. Zach Rizza is top five in the business? Zach Rizza isn't even top five in the state of fucking Pennsylvania! Steve Jason was right: you are overcompensating!

Look man, you can admit that you had an easy victory over an easy opponent. It happens. But trying to sell Zach Rizza as a top 5 wrestler is like trying to sell Paris Hilton as a top 5 member of D.A.R.E.

I find it hilarious that Jayzon Williamz has the gaul to refer to likes of myself and Steve Jason as overrated nobodies, yet he speaks of Zach Rizza with such adoration you'd be led to believe that Rizza was his parole officer. Sucking his dick won't get you a title shot, dude. Losing to me will.

Jayzon Williamz: You could never do the things I've done Ace. You wouldn't last a minute in some of the situations I've been in. You think you could handle prison?

You talk about going to prison as it's some sort of accomplishment or rite of passage. Why the fuck would I want to go to prison? Unlike you, I'm smart enough to get away with the crimes I commit. I'm smart enough to stay the fuck out of jail, and even if I were caught, I probably wouldn't be convicted because I'm a white man with a Jewish lawyer on retainer.

And of fucking course I wouldn't be able to handle prison. I'd be the best looking motherfucker to ever get locked up, and I'm sure all of you donut punchers would salivate when my sweet ass showed up. Hell, you'd have probably been first in line, trying to trade your nose ring for a polaroid of my cornhole.

But I'd honestly like to commend you for surviving prison, because it's not an easy thing to do. I used to wonder how you managed it, until we were passing by each other backstage, you farted, and it sounded like wind passing through the Grand Canyon. Your asshole is wider than Precious' waistline. Your cornhole is looser than an extra large T-shirt on a supermodel. Pants are the only things that have had more dicks inside of them.

Holy shit, I hadn't noticed before, but this dude has some serious eyebrows. Did someone lose a pair of Brillo pads? How about a diamond studded earring that is clearly meant to pierce a female's earlobe, but has somehow found itself dug in outside of Jayzon Williamz coke-infested nostril.

See him puckering up? That's what he's going to be doing when I win the title: kissing my ass for a shot at it. Will I give it to him? Probably not. Seeing as how he and SJ opened the floodgates, I'm expecting many a legend to come back to try and recapture some of that old glory. I'll be here, waiting with open arms and clenched fists to ensure that it doesn't happen.

So now that I've dealt with the legend, let me deal with a motherfucker who has even less of a chance of making it into the hall than Chad. I'm talking about Nick Ryan, of course.

Nick Ryan: Zach Rizza is the XWF World Champion. You know I always thought the day he won any major title would be the day hell froze over. Now everyone in the XWF would say the day Nick Ryan won a major singles title would be that very same scenario.

I never thought I'd see the day where I'd agree with something Nick Ryan said, but in this case he's almost right. I say almost because not only would Hell freeze over if he won every singles title, but Heaven would burn, and the Earth would probably explode.

If you don't think it's possible, then the fact that Zach Rizza has done it should scare the absolute shit out of you. Shitty wrestlers becoming the Universal Champion is what happens when the level of talent in this place lags. At some point, guys like myself, SJ, Jason Mudd, and Jayzon Williamz are going to have to take some time off. When that happens, guys like Centurion, Zach Rizza, and Nick Ryan are going to have the opportunity to become serious contenders for the championships.

That's a scary fucking thought.

Nick Ryan: This place has always been run by egomaniacs and Blizzard is no exception. He refuses to bring back the Tag Team Titles. Why is that Blizz?

I'll answer that, Bliz, if you don't mind.

It's because THERE IS ONLY ONE FUCKING TAG TEAM IN THE XWF YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER!

Who the fuck else are you going to team up? Me and Williamz? SJ and Mudd? Bates and Gilmour? King and Dunham?

You two are the only active tag team right now, thought I'm sure SJ and Centurion are always on standby, kind of like the Ambiguously Gay Duo, but they're a little tied up actually winning matches, and they'd destroy you anyway.

Honestly, I don't see how Hunter puts up with your dumbass. You're a fucking terrible wrestler, an ignorant idiot, and flamboyantly homosexual. If being gay were a trade, you'd be Head of the Union.

Why does this guy always look like he's trying out for Zoolander 2: The Return Of Magnum? It's too bad that expensive hair cuts do fuck-all to help you win titles, because Nick would be in the Hall by now.

Is that a denim shirt you have on there? That isn't too surprising to me, considering you're from Florida, and since you're not Spanish, you're obviously a fucking redneck. Florida is filled with old Jews, idiots, and Cubans. Guess which category Nick Ryan falls in to. Nick, just because the state you hail from is shaped like a penis doesn't give you the right to be a dick all the time. Grow up, you stupid son of a bitch.

Now that I've found my rhythm, I'll move on to the man of the hour, Steve Fucking Jason. My hatred for SJ is well documented, though it doesn't run as deep as my loathing for his fellow Hall of Legends member, Jayzon Williamz.

To say that I don't like SJ would be like saying Jews don't like Nazi's. It would be like saying that Christina Applegate doesn't like breast cancer. It would be like saying Michael Jackson didn't like vaginas. In short, it would be a huge fucking understatement.

Not only do I not like Steve Jason, but I can't fucking stand him. He's an egomaniacal bastard who pretends to be humble so that the rest of the sheep will believe him to be a "good guy". In my eyes, he's not. Good guys don't beat up their friends. Good guys don't retire every six months and pretend to pass the torch just to show up three months later and try to take it back. Good guys especially don't hail from fucking Australia.

Remember when Steve's catchphrase was, "Gallantry is back"? Anytime I heard him say that, I would collapse to the floor immediately and laugh my ass off. An Australian lecturing the rest of the world in regards to gallantry would be like the English lecturing the rest of the world in regards to civil rights.

Steve Jason walks around with his head held high, his shoulders drawn back, and his nose turned up in the air. It must be nice to know that your shit doesn't stink. I think when you said "Gallantry is back", you meant to say that "Arrogance is back", and even if you didn't say it, it was certainly fucking implied. Steve Jason is just a stallion away from riding around backstage and to the ring on a literal "high horse".

How is a hard-working, Irish-American supposed to compete with royalty? You know, for a guy who has seemed to memorize the dictionary and purposely fills his sentences with big words, you really don't seem to say much.

Steve Jason: A nimrod like Ace Vincent doesn't completely understand what the belt means - he assumes it's just something you wave around to boost your ego and give you bragging rights. I do. To have that belt around your shoulder is to know that you are at the pinnacle of your capabilities - and the capabilities of everybody else in this federation. It means that you have made it, that you've climbed to the top, you've bled, sweated and damn nearly worn yourself to the ground getting there, but you climbed it. And it also guarantees that in most cases, only the best will be selected to fight you.

Is "nimrod" really the best insult you could think of to direct towards me? You must've been fucking homeschooled if that's the harshest word stored in your shit-talking cache. Am I in a wrestling match with a legend or a shouting match with an 80 year old man? How much cornier could you get, man?

If Ace Vincent doesn't stop talking so much poopie, I'm gonna give him a kiester-whooping that he'll never forget!

What a fucking fag.

Anyway, I find it hilarious that you hold that belt in such high regard. All it does is prove that you have no reason to live. If a leather strap with a few pieces of gold fixed to it means that much to you, then you've obviously never gotten laid.

Steve Jason couldn't get a girl to lick his sack if it were filled with diamonds. He couldn't get a blowjob from a hooker if he had a hundred dollar bill hanging out of his zipper. The last time Steve Jason saw a vagina was when he came out of one.

I have no idea what your love life is like now, but I'd wager that the last time you even kissed a girl was right around the time that you lost the title.

Fuck! That's why the title means so much to this dickless son of a bitch! He can't get laid without it! It makes so much fucking sense now!

Think about it: Steve Jason loses the Universal Title, but doesn't really care because tons of fame-loving whores are throwing their beavers at him, so he figures that he can retire on some shitty beach somewhere in Australia and live out the rest of his life a happy man.

But then, because the belt is gone, the fame is gone. Because the fame is gone, the bitches are gone. Because the sluts are gone, and since SJ is about as socially capable as Encino Man, he spends countless nights alone. Tired of jerking it off, and even bored with the various tricks like "The Stranger", SJ remembers how he got pussy in the first place: The Universal TItle.

Then the pattern develops. SJ comes back, even though he's not even half the wrestler he used to be, he picks up a few XWF groupies, then he leaves. Rinse, lather, repeat.

The only difference this time, is that SJ is going after XWF's ultimate groupie: Kitten.

Supposedly, even though neither these two can carry on a conversation that they don't immediately try to steer towards the topic of themselves, they have a romantic history. Good for them.

Of course Kitten fucked SJ. She's a crazy whore, and he's autistic. They're like peanut butter and jelly, or spaghetti and meatballs. They're history is probably a little something like this:

Kitten: My life sucks so much I just want to kill myself but can I sit on your face first?

Steve Jason: Deerrrrp ahhhhhh ddderrrpppp I like Starcraft and eating waffles. Hurrrr will you read the dictionary to me while I fall asleep? My boardshorts are dirty and I don't know how to work the washing machine, duuurrrrrr.

And then they had sloppy, crazy, retard sex. That's the only thing girls actually like about that robot, is his Forrest Gump-like ability to do whatever he's told. Kitten would tell him to munch, and he would. Jon Brown would tell him to suck the skin off of his dick, and SJ would try. Centurion told Steve that he could win the Universal title if he really tried, and so Steve went on to win it.

Well, those days of him having the ability to actually win the title that he covets so much are long gone.

You know what strikes me as the most odd about that statement? The fact that Steve Jason needs a fucking belt to prove that he belongs at the top, and that all of the sacrifices he's made over the years have actually meant something.

Newsflash, Gump! They don't mean shit! You've won a bunch of belts and you've established your name in the XWF, and now that you're getting older, you're reflecting back on your life, and you're realizing that all of the praise, and all of the reverence, and all of the fucking smoke that everyone else blows up your ass hasn't done much in the way of actually making your life mean anything.

You gave everything to the XWF, and it paid you back by spitting you out as a lonely, old man. You're back is shot, you're knees and ankles are eroding away, and what the fuck have you got to show for it?

Statistics. That's it. Maybe you've got some money, but that's obviously not enough to make you happy, or else you wouldn't keep coming back. What the fuck is another Universal title win really going to do to help you sleep at night, when you're tossing and turning alone in your bed?

And as far as being the champion meaning that you only have to face the best of the best, then why the fuck did Drake Komodo have to defend his title against Peter Gilmour? Why did James Raven have to defend his title against Centurion? This isn't a fucking karate movie, stupid. Management puts on the most profitable matches possible, because, after all, this is a fucking business first, and a sport second.

Right now, you and I are the two best wrestlers in the world, which is a fact that no one can dispute. We won our respective tournament brackets, and now we're going to face off for the title at Rage in the Cage. After I beat your ass to a fucking pulp and prove to you and everyone else that you don't have what it takes anymore, what do you think is going to happen next? Do you think you're going to get a rematch, or do you think that Kent is going to try and capitalize on the heat between myself and Williamz?

I'm not here to prove that I'm the best, or to even win that piece of shit title that so many of you losers hold in such high regard. I'm here to make fucking money and to raise Ace Vincent's stock around the world. I don't care about you, the XWF, or the fucking title. I care about cold, hard, motherfucking cash.

Steve Jason: Ultimately I have come to accept that wrestling is in my blood.

Actually, you being from Australia and all, it's far more likely that rape and murder are in your blood.

I have no idea how you Australians have managed to convince everyone else around the world that you're actually charming and laid back, but I know the truth. You're all the offspring of murderers and rapists, exiled to that piece of shit island by the British.

What the fuck have Australians done in the history of the world that makes you so proud to call it home?

Are you proud of the Stolen Generations? Ohh, but you guys pretend that shit didn't happen. Well, let me just give a little history lesson to all of the people you've tried to hide it from.

The Stolen Generations is a term used to describe the taking of Aboriginal babies from their families by the Australian Federal and State Government, from about 1869 to 1969.

UNTIL 1969!

Wow, you guys are serious fucking bastards to have done that for a hundred years. Even though you didn't do it yourself, and your family probably didn't either, you all knew it was going on and you didn't give a shit. If a country that supports taking babies from their mothers doesn't describe gallantry, I don't know what does.

Obviously that was sarcasm.

What I'm trying to point out here is that Steve Jason is not the chivalrous, upstanding citizen that he makes himself out to be. You shouldn't adjust your moral compass to be in line with Steve Jason's because what fucking morals could he possibly learn if he grew up in a country like this?

There's a reason that Australia is such a dangerous fucking place to live in: it's because God is trying to pay them back for all of the GENOCIDE.

Hey Steve, is genocide the mark of a country that produces gallant men?

Steve Jason: I'm thirty-three. Not forty-three, not fifty-three - thirty-three. By wrestling standards, that's not that old.

Actually, dumb-fuck, wrestling is one of the only industries in the world in which 33 is considered old.

By office standards, 33 is not old.

But in a business in which you beat the shit out of people weekly, have wrecking balls dropped on you, and your head busted open, 33 is ancient.

And don't pull random stats out of your ass and say that Cyren was actually older than you are now when he won the Universal title, because you started at a much younger age than he did. Mileage in a sport like this isn't measured by the number of years you've been alive, but by the number of years you've been doing it.

A regional manager at a local paper supply company could turn 40 tomorrow, sign up for wrestling school, and then compete in the XWF for at least 15 years before the wear and tear finally gets to him and he has to retire.

Millions of people live their entire lives without suffering any type of serious injury. They have long careers that they don't retire from until they're in their sixties. We, as wrestlers, don't have those luxuries. We get seriously injured at least once every two years if we're lucky. The majority of us only have ten years to do this before we have to retire and move on to something else, and we usually do it in our early thirties.

Do I think you'll be one of the few who manages to keep this profession into his old age?

No, I don't.

You see, Steve, not only are you broken down, but you're suffering from the overjustification effect. Ohhhh shit, someone paid attention in school, bitches!

The overjustification effect is when external incentive decreases a person's intrinsic motivation.

Steve Jason fucking loves wrestling, and I don't doubt that for a second. But after a few weeks, that passion visibly wanes, until he's basically just showing up. This is because he starts to remember how awesome it is to have money and women, and wrestling begins to take a back seat. Then, he starts to suck because he doesn't care, and one day he simply decides to stop showing up.

BOOM! Freshman psychology knowledge bombs getting dropped on your motherfucking faces!

Steve Jason: It's hilarious actually - to see the idiocy in your line of thoughts, believe it or not, you need look only to your own little cadre of nimrods who seem to mean a lot to each other, but nothing to everybody else. I'm talking about Truth Until Death, of course. You know, there was once a man who thought very much along the same lines as you did - that I was an old man, that I was moving slower than before, that I had been passed by and my time was done. That man was your buddy Aidan 'Blizzard' Collins. Do you know what actually happened to him the two times he went against me with that assumption? I put him out of commission - for a long time.

There's that word again. Do you keep a swear jar next to you when you cut promo's, or something? There are other words besides nimrod that you can use to describe me and sill not cuss.

For instance, if I wanted to call you stupid, but didn't want to curse or resort to using a common word like dumb, idiot, or moron, I would call you autistic, because you like to play with Lego's, always color inside of the lines, and can't function socially. Has anyone else noticed that Steve Jason never makes eye contact with the people he talks to? Only two types of people do shit like that: Conceited people, and retarded people. Steve is obviously one of them, but I'll leave it up to the people to decide which one they suspect.

And I'm pretty sure that Da Bliz and Drake Komodo were the ones who put you out of commission and helped Boondock Saint win the World Title from you a few years ago when they dropped a chocolate wrecking ball on you.

Then you went on to say that you were truly unkillable and there was no way that the wrecking ball in question was chocolate, because it hurt when it fell on you and it didn't melt in ICE WATER.

Seriously, that was Steve Jason's argument against the wrecking ball being chocolate.

Newsflash, Corky: chocolate melts in hot water.

Also, if I were you, I wouldn't take too much pride in beating Blizzard, especially back in those days. He was doing so much coke that he had a direct supply coming from Columbia, and strippers visiting him more than Centurion revisits old XWF memories.

What makes you think you're that formidable of a wrestler that you can actually end someone else's career anyway? You couldn't take out an escort. You couldn't make Dr Emo quit.

Steve Jason: You might want to look a little closer to home if you want to start talking about Brett Favres of the XWF, buddy, because your Truth until Death homeboy pretty much fits the bill far more than I ever could.

How in the fuck is Drake Komodo at all like Brett Favre? Drake continuously came back because he wanted to win the Universal Title, and after he did, he left for good.

And yeah, he may have been one of the biggest flakes in the history of the XWF, but I'd like to see anyone else in this motherfucker win the Universal title after facing as much adversity as he did.

You have no idea what was on Drake Komodo's plate when he was dominating in the fed, which included wins over you and Boondock, along with everyone else in this motherfucker. I'm not going to put his personal business out there, but if you had to deal with the kind of bullshit that he did, you'd fold like origami.

You are like Brett Favre because you've already done everything there is to do in the XWF, but you just can't leave because you're an attention whore. You've had everything in life handed to you, and even though you've convinced yourself that all of your achievements are the result of hard work and brow sweat, the truth is that you were Jon Brown's favorite wrestler, and he did everything in his power to ensure that you were the top dog in the company.

Steve Jason: How can you honestly accuse Centurion and I of sucking the previous owner's wang when it's plain as day for everybody to see that you're in good with the current one? You can't! Not without looking like a complete and utter nimrod who obviously isn't thinking before speaking!

Again with nimrod? Whatever.

The reason I can call you and Centurion out on your bootlicking of Jon Brown, which I noticed that you didn't deny, is because you were friends with him because he was the boss. I've been friends with Aidan Collins for six fucking years. How many of those years has he been the owner of the XWF, Steve? One? No, not fucking even. He's been the owner for six months, and that's it.

That's how I can call you two fuckers out on your anal tonguing of Jon Brown and not look like a hypocrite.

I didn't come back because he asked me to, and you won't see me backstage trying to do his paperwork for him.

I showed up because I wanted the fucking paycheck, and I have something to offer the wrestling world that no one else in the world currently can: ENTERTAINMENT.

There are plenty of good wrestlers here, including yourself, but you're all about as entertaining as watching skydiving. "Oh look, they're falling again! Now they're falling backwards! Oh shit, now they're upside down!"

Who fucking cares? How many times are people going to want to see Steve Jason vs Centurion in a "Who can respect the other one more" match? How about Rizza vs Williamz in a "Lunesta Match", which is to see who can put the audience to sleep the fastest.

You're fucking boring, man. Plain and simple. You talk a lot, and you make a lot of claims, but nobody fucking listens because you have terrible presentation.

You sound like fucking C-3P0. Everything is robotic and without feeling.

Steve Jason: (Talking about Jason Mudd) It means that one of the most vocal critics of legends, one who'd had nothing but contempt for me beforehand - and now one person who is actually qualified to speak from experience - thinks you're going to lose. He basically all but said he wanted to make me a former four-time Universal Champion.

Of course he does, he's fucking butt-hurt that he had to eat his words.

But what the fuck makes you think he's the only one who can speak from experience? I've beaten a legend myself, and I did it in impressive fashion.

And he's the only person who thinks I'm going to lose. Your opinion doesn't count, and neither does Centurion. He's so fucking devoted to you that he'd bet on you if you were being eaten by a fucking shark.

Needless to say, I'm not the only one questioning your abilities, and I'm willing to bet that you're even questioning them yourself. Time is running out for you, and it won't be much longer before I remove the smoke-screen that is your legend, and expose you for the person you are.

You're not confident, you're ego has simply been over-inflated by years of Centurion having your ear.

You're not gallant, you just don't have the balls to be as decadent as someone like me.

You're certainly not talented, at least not anymore. You're going to fold just like you have in the past when presented with an actual challenge.

I'm not even going to mention Sunday night yet, because I'm not anticipating your attendance of the event, considering you have to make it out of Anarchy alive first. Centurion has already posted on his Facebook that he's planning a surprise birthday party for you on Thursday, and I am inclined to make sure that it's a birthday you never forget.

You had better keep your guard up and your head on a swivel, because I'm going to be looking to take you out around every corner.

When I was first getting in to this business, Drake Komodo gave me some words to live by: Work smarter, not harder.

If I break your legs on Thursday, you won't be climbing out of a cage on Sunday. Hey, it may be cheating to some, but for me, I'm just working smarter.

After all, if you ain't cheating, you ain't trying.

Truth Until Death.