A lot has changed in the XWF since the last time I graced it with my presence.

For starters, that piece of dog shit known as Jon Brown has been ousted in favor of a man who's actually in touch with what the fans want, who pushes people based on talent and not sexual favors, and who's actually watching the shows and the promos, and not handing the job off on someone else.

That man is Aidan Collins, and to say that I'm happy about his takeover of the company would be a gigantic fucking understatement.

There are still guys out there who mourn the loss of Jon Brown. Guys like Boondock Saint, who always made sure to cup the balls when he blew him. Guys like Centurion, who always swallowed. And guys like that big, bleach-blonde, donut puncher Zach Rizza, who still to this day sexts Jon at a rate you can measure by the minute.

These are the guys who can't move on, mostly because they've been unable to adapt to an environment that requires them to use their talent in the ring as opposed to their talent under a desk. Zach Rizza may have won the world title, but he had to wait for Drake Komodo to leave the company to do it.

What's so amazing to me about Zach Rizza being the World Champion is that I fucking destroyed him the last time I was here to win the US Title. In fact, I destroyed him, Maximus, and one of those ICP imitators who's name escapes me right now. It was Crazy with a fucking "K" and two "Z's", which is probably the most original name he could think of, given the fact that the dude was obviously retarded. I guess since he had an extra chromosome, he figured he could spell "Crazy" with an extra "Z". What a kuntt that guy was.

So if you're doing the math, it's going to be a short wait for the savior of the XWF to win that title, and not long after that I'll be earning the Universal Title as well.

If you doubt me, then I have to ask you one question: who the fuck is going to stop me?

There are a few names you're probably throwing out there initially, and I can guarantee that the first and most popular one is going to be Jayzon Williamz, who is another one of these idiots who think it makes them "street" to spell things incorrectly. People wonder why other countries hate us so much, but it's pretty easy to hate a country filled with people who leak sex tapes on purpose just to get a show on E!. Then again, Britain gave us Amy Winehouse and Lilly Allen, who are like the Alpha Whores of the world, so I guess the rest of the world can suck a dick.

I'll be dealing with Jayzon Williamz sooner rather than later. That is, if he doesn't avoid me like a little bitch. This guy thinks that just because he's a legend, people are going to give a fuck about what he says and what he does. Does this dude realize that the days in which he dominated are long fucking gone? You coming back to the XWF in the hopes of actually competing here would be like Ali challenging Toney and expecting to actually win. You're delusional, Jay, and it'll only be a matter of time before you end up washing out and having to go back to your job, fucking up my Burger King order. Seriously, how fucking hard is it to understand "no onions"?

But you can hope for whoever you want, but as of this week, I've already been assigned a victim, and that victim's name is Damien Bates.

For real, the motherfucker's name is Damien Bates.

Are you fucking serious, man? Was Freddy Vorhees taken? What about Chucky Myers? Your name is what happens when Hitchcock fucks The Omen and the bitch has an abortion.

Awful name aside, I'm going to go out on a limb here and just assume that you're the type that likes to roll your eyes in the back of your head, and drink blood from a goblet made from the skull of priests. You shop at Hot Topic, smoke Marlboro Reds, and wear mascara.

Gilmour wasn't fucking enough? We need another one of these butt pirates in the fed, sacrificing goats they stole from the petting zoo they work at, hiding subliminal messages in their promos. I heard that if you play a Damien Bates promo backwards, you can hear wrestling fans around the world let out a collective groan.

Seriously, if I wank-motioned any harder right now, I might end up actually jacking my self off.

I find it funny that you pretend to be "evil", but you have a tribal tattoo and a pair of white contacts that you probably bought with money you earned by working at the photo center at Walgreen's. I bet you recite verses from the Necronomicon while you dye your roots too. You're probably so evil that you have a fucking pentagram etched into your leather wrestling pants.

I also didn't realize that professional fucking wrestling is the gateway to Hell. If it isn't, then where the fuck do these guys keep coming from?

Oh, that's right! The fucking 7-11 parking lot.

I see right through the facade, Damien. I'm not going to be intimidated by your shtick, your dumbass contacts, your greasy hair, your leather chaps, your dumbass tattoo, or any of your cryptic messages.

Now, you're claiming that you proved what a joke that Peter Gilmour is, but I've got to call bullshit on that. Peter Gilmour doesn't need anyone else in the world to prove what a fucking joke he is, he's doing just fine proving it himself.

You also say that you don't consider yourself to be one of the best, which means that you have something in common with every other fucking person on the planet. Of course you're not one of the best, you pale son of a bitch!

You're not going to sacrifice me, you're probably not even going to land a punch on me. If you're lucky, you might be able to walk out of the arena on your own two feet, but as your appearance is so evident of, you're probably the unluckiest motherfucker on the planet.

And seriously, your goal is to bring darkness and despair to the world and to raise the true master of darkness? Your goal is as cliche as your name.

Do you idiots realize that it'd be a million times more interesting if you looked like Bill Gates and did this shit? And how the fuck do you master darkness? It's a shade, not a fucking trade.

So you've seen death and laughed in it's face? Well that's funny, because I did the same thing when I saw your fucking promo! I'm going to do it again tomorrow night when I beat the motherfuck out of you.

You think you're badass because you wear black and jerk off to The Omen? You're a fucking carbon copy of every other gothic wrestler in the world, and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that you all fucking suck. Famine, Gilmour, Cyren, Kidd, and now you. Look at the footsteps you're following in, dude. Famine is dead, Gilmour is a walking punchline, Cyren was one of Ted Haggard's lovers, and Krazzy Kidd is actually outside right now, mowing my lawn.

See, I don't need a gimmick. I don't need eye shadow. I'm a fucking monster, and I know it. I don't need to prove it by wearing a pointy belt buckle, dying my fucking hair, or using a gay ass stage name.

I am Ace Vincent, and I am the most ruthless motherfucker in the world. I am the opposite of you. If you're the devil's minion, then I'm the right hand of God. If you're the darkness, then I'm the light. You are a failure, I am successful.

You're going to lose, I'm going to win. You're going to a hospital, and I'm going home.

This is the Truth according to Ace, and it's Truth Until Death.