It has been three days since my little girl was brought into this world. Three days. I couldn’t believe it when the doctor said that I was a father. Being a father is a double edge sword though. As I thought about it, it really is a positive and a negative. I brought I life into this world, I’m proud of that. She is beautiful and complete. She has my eyes and her mother’s looks. She is amazing. She is mine. When she looks at me with here almond shaped eyes and stares right at me, I melt. Just like when her mother does it to me. I melt. I can’t help but feel so loved yet so vulnerable. The other side of the sword is the side that I question every night. It’s hard to think about it, let alone speak it. What’s gonna happen when she watches her daddy fall off a fifty foot cage onto a table? OR what about her daddy jumping off the RWA tron and landing on a man? This thought has kept me up at night. This thought has made me feel so bad. I can’t choose between my life and my family. My family is my life. The though that I’m scared to admit is, is this the end of one life and the beginning of another? Or can I live two lives? I know I should have the answers, but I don’t. For the first time in my life, I am scared.
Friday.February.02.2007
12:32 pm
Hi-Desert.Medical.Center.parking.lot
He loaded everything into the truck, the baby bag and a stroller that was still in the box. The rain had stopped, yet the clouds hung over head. He looked into the sky and pulled the large blue tarp over the back of the box in his truck. Seth grabbed the strings and tied down the trap as Jalie helped Carmen into the truck. He looked up at her and their eyes met. He smiled at her and she blew him a kiss. Jalie smirked and helped her into the truck, Jalie’s head popped back out and she stuck her tongue out at Carson. “A wise woman once told me…” Cody started.
“Don’t stick your tongue out unless you’re gonna use it.” Seth finished with a smile over at Carson. Jalie jumped down and started back toward the hospital, she came back about two minutes later. She had a pink bundle in her arms and Cody smiled. He stopped and turned to Jalie, who handed the blanket to him. He looked in on his baby girl; Alexandria Jalie Carson. Cody had picked the name Jalie, named after Carmen’s sister. He put his finger into the blanket and started to rub under her chin. She giggled and Cody’s eyes lit up. Jalie smirked and put her hand on his shoulder.
“Did you hear her?” He asked so proud.
“Hun, just remember she does have part of you in her. You giggling bastard.” Jalie smiled and he handed Alexandria to her. “Cody,” Jalie whispered “I’m proud of you.” Luckily it started to rain once again. The rain came hard and fast, Jalie dove into the truck with Alexandria and Carson ran around the truck and jumped into the drivers seat. Jalie buckled her into her car seat and jumped back out. Cody had tears in his eyes, but the rain had saved him from anyone noticing. He looked over at Carmen who had her head leaned on the window, she let the rain wash her away. Cody smiled and she looked at him.
“Ready to go home?” Cody asked.
“Home to what? We live in an apartment.” Carmen said as she tried to hide her frustrations. Cody knew that she liked the apartment but he had to agree, that old broken down piece of shit wasn’t any place to raise a child.
“Seth and Jalie said we could stay with them for a little while, like we did while you where pregnant. They don’t mind.” Cody sighed with a comforting smile.
“Baby,” Carmen said, as she leaned over and put her head on his shoulder. “I want to live in my own house.”
“I know you do. But you also want to be close to Jalie and Seth, as do I. If I didn’t we could have moved back to Vancouver.”
“Yeah.” She sighed and nuzzled her head into his shoulder.
“Their was a house across the street from them on the market about a few weeks ago, but when I went to see it, it had already been bought. It’s the only thing close to them that I have seen.” He sighed. “Don’t worry hun, I already gave the two week notice and moved our stuff out of the apartment.”
“To where?” Carmen asked puzzled.
Cody dropped his head and looked at the bottom of the steering wheel. “Seth and Jalie‘s.” He replied, ashamed.
“So we are taking up more space at their house. Great.” Carmen replied with a angry sigh. She turned back to the window and put her elbow on the edge of it. Then rested her head on her hand.
“I‘m sorry.” Cody said in a soft and shameful voice. He turned the key in the ignition and started the old black truck up.
“Its not your fault baby.” She said with another sigh. “Its just, my sister is so good to me. She looked out for me for so long. She is the reason we are together. I just feel like…” She dropped her eyes to the floor.
“Like we are taking her for granted? ” Cody asked, knowing the answer.
“Yeah.” She answered with a low saddened voice. “I mean hell if it wasn‘t for her we wouldn‘t have…” She looked into the back seat of the truck and smiled. “Little Alexandria.”
“I know babe.” Cody said as he focused on the road. “Trust me, you sister doesn‘t mind. She would sooner have you with her then someplace that she couldn‘t see you everyday.”
“I guess.” Carmen reasoned.
“Hey, we are almost there baby.”
“Yeah, then I can go to bed, after eating real fucking food.”
“Yeah,” Cody replied with a distorted face. “What the hell was that shit they where feeding you?”
“You don‘t know the half of it.” She replied. “You had to look at it. I had to eat it.”
“Well hun, I kinda tried some.” He smiled guiltily at her. “It looks better then it tastes.”
“No shit.” Carmen said with a chuckle. Cody brought the truck to a stop at Seth and Jalie’s house. Seth and Jalies car was out on the street so Carson pulled into the driveway and into the garage. Seth stood at the door leading into the house, Jalie was opening the garage door for them. “This is weird they never let you park in here.”
Cody smiled and looked back at the baby. “You do come with more then just cuteness.” Both Carmen and Cody laughed as Cody opened the door and the three piled out.
Saturday.February.03.2007
2:02 am
Seth.and.Jalie.Thomas‘. Home
The house was quiet, the way he had liked it. He sat there, eyes bloodshot and coffee cup half empty. A low light from the little lamp he had set on the kitchen table gave an eerie glow to the room. He was sore, tired but still could not sleep. ‘how am I suppose to support my family when I don’t have a job?’ was the question that continued to run through his mind. He took a sip of his coffee and stood up. He walked to the kitchen sink and looked out the little window above it. He stared out at the stars and the moon. The stars danced around in his exhausted eyes. The lids of his eyes felt like they had thirty pound weights on them and his lips where dry. He drank the rest of his coffee with a couple of gulps and dropped his head downward. He shook his head hard to get the sleep away from him and walked over to the fresh pot of coffee that he had made. He had been through two pots of coffee and was started on his third. He poured the hot steaming liquid into his cup, he let the pot back and opened the fridge. He pulled out the milk and poured a little into his coffee, then he grabbed the sugar and started to pour it in as well. He stirred the coffee and took a sip. He stretched his arms up over his head after he set the cup down and jumped as a cold hand touched his naked back. He turned around and looked Jalie Thomas in her sleep filled hazel eyes. “You always make coffee at two in the morning?” She yawned.
“Sorry. Did I wake you up?” Cody asked, concerned.
“No, I was up.” she replied as she stretched her arms above her hand and moaned. “Fuck, what are you doing up anyway? You look like hell.”
‘Can‘t sleep.” He replied simply.
“Cody,” Jalie said unconvinced. “I thought it was just because Carmen was in the hospital that you couldn‘t sleep. I‘m worried about you hun.”
“Don‘t worry about me.” Cody said with a yawn of his own. “I‘ll be fine.”
Jalie jumped up onto the counter and Cody sat back in the chair he has sat in all night. Jalie looked at him and sighed deep. “What’s buggin you?”
“Nothin.”
“Don‘t try to lie to me. You‘re no good at it.” Jalie smirked.
“Nothing‘s bothering me.” Cody said as he got up and walked to the back door and stared out the screen. Jalie jumped down and walked toward him. She leaned on the other side of the door.
“Cody, tell me.” She begged.
“Tell you what?”
“What’s wrong!”
“Can I not just be able to not be able to sleep?” He asked, twisting his words up from the sleepiness in his body.
“No.” She said staring at his blood shot eyes.
“Why are you up?” He questioned.
“I was checking my email and started talking on AIM. Lost track of time.” She answered truthfully.
“Ah.” He replied as he rubbed his weary eyes.
“So why are you up? How I ever done you wrong when its something serious?”
“No. And why do you want to know?”
“Because damn it. I want to know what’s got you so worked up that you can’t sleep.” Jalie said with much concern in her voice.
“Okay. I‘m afraid that I can’t support Carmen.” Cody admitted forcing back the lump in his throat.
“What do you mean?” she asked, as the walked back to the kitchen table.
“She wants a house near you guys, and wants a place that we can settle down and stay for good. I have next to no money because I have been out so long with my neck and I don‘t even think I can wrestle anymore. I‘m afraid if I do she will leave me.” Cody forced out.
“Why do you think she would leave?” Jalie asked.
“We have a kid now. What happens if I get laid up in the hospital again. This time I‘m paralyzed for good. No more miracles for Cody Carson. I have used everything I got. I can’t wrestle anymore.”
“She won’t leave you and you can too wrestle You held the AWA world fucking title for the longest time ever. In SFT you beat the man you thought you would never beat.” Jalie said with a firm tone.
“And I broke my neck doing it.” Cody replied.
Jalie didn’t respond with words, she slapped him in the face, hard was her hand, harder then he had remembered. “That could have happened to anyone. Don‘t start blaming and injury Cody. You’re not like that. Remember you take shit head on and you don‘t look back. So stop hiding behind that fucking neck injury and tell the truth. You‘re scared.”
“I‘m not scared.” He said, with no strength behind it.
“Look at you, you are a wreck. You‘re scared to death that if you step back into the ring you will die. You selfish fucking asshole. You worry so much about what’s going to happen to you and worry about your family.” Jalie yelled.
“I‘m sorry.” He said dropping his head. “Maybe I am. I‘m fucking worthless.”
Jalies angry had calmed and her tone was now one of love. “Look hun, Seth and I got a surprise for you and Carmen. ”
“What?” Cody questioned as he looked up at her.
“Go to bed and get some rest. She needs you to be there for her. You will find out what the surprise is later today. Now go.” Jalie demanded. HE grabbed his arm and pulled him to the stairs. Then gave him a swift kick in the ass.
“Hey, what was that for?” Cody asked.
“Cause I felt like kicking your ass.” Jalie smirked.
“Well what if I felt like kicking yours?” He asked with a smirk of his own.
“Then you would end up on the ground holding your groin and looking at your toes. Now do you really want too?”
“Night Jalie.” Cody said was he walked up the stairs.
“Night.” She replied as she walked into the kitchen and sat down. Cody walked into the darkened hallway and then to the second door on the right. He opened it and walked in. Carmen moaned a little and Alexandria was still asleep. Cody closed the door softly and the tip toed to the bed. He sat down on the edge and looked into the little crib that Seth and he had build. The blankets where white and the pillow was a soft velvet. She was dressed in a new yellow jumper and she had her thumb in her mouth. Cody smiled down at her and gently rubbed her stomach. He then slid his hand up and started to rub her face softly she moved onto her side and Cody smiled. He pulled her blanket back on top of her and then turned to Carmen. She was in a blue bra and a pair of green booty shorts. He smiled and turned onto the bed, slid under the covers and put his arm around her. She gently slid her fingers in between his and he kissed the back of her neck. A few second later they where both fast asleep.