CUT TO: Christian Sands hitting the Sand Blaster on an unknown opponent.

CUT TO: Karl Brown nailing someone with the Dragon's Bite.

CUT TO: Jonathan Marx slapping an intense STF on an unknown individual.

CUT TO: Adam Benjamin knocking the absolute bejesus out of an opponent with a shining wizard.

CUT TO: The Crimson Calling destroying their opponent with a Crimson Crasher.

CUT TO: Beast delivering a high impact Tiger Driver '91 to an unnamed man.

CUT TO: Dan Ryan, an evil grin on his face, stomping his massive frame towards the camera.

CUTTO: With a clash of metal, a logo slams across the screen, its edges flickering.]

[Cut to the ramp, where a wreath of pyro explodes around the EmpireTron and several bomblike, smoky explosions ripple about the entry way. The camera zooms in on the screen as the pyro finally peters out, then blurs to roving shots of the crowd as a small banner in the corner briefly appears to proclaim that EPW is broadcast en Espanol. Various signs are visible in the crowd: "Beast Got Screwed!", "We'll Miss Rocko", "TITLE OR NO TITLE, CHRISTIAN SANDS STILL SUCKS!", "Who's This Cruise Guy?", "FUTURE WORLD CHAMPION IS TROY DOUGLAS!", "We Are Subjects Of Emperor Marx", "Benji Claus", and finally, "DAN RYAN WILL EAT YOUR BABIES".]

[Cut to ringside, where Dave Thomas and Mike Neely sit, garbed in their EPW polo shirts. Neely wears an oversized Cat-In-The-Hat cap, some oversized gold chains, and a pair of goofy star-shaped shades.]

DT: Atlanta, Georgia is already way too excited here tonight! Welcome, everybody, to Empire Pro Wrestling's Aggression! As always, I'm Dave Thomas, and - Mike Neely, what the heck are you WEARING?!

MN: Yo, dawg. I picked this shiznit up in the hood, yo.

DT: Mike, you're the whitest whitey I've ever seen. Stop being such a poser.

MN: Nah, crippla. I'm down.

DT: Oy. Anyway, folks, we're coming to you hot on the heels of Empire Pro's first Pay-Per-View event, Black Dawn!

MN: Aw dag, yo. That show was the shiznit!

DT: Yes, it certainly was...

[Cut to: A black screen. "Shadow On The Sun" by Audioslave plays in the background as a throbbing image of a DVD case appears.]

DT (v/o): ...and now, you can relive the event from the comfort of your own living room, because Empire Pro Wrestling's Black Dawn is now out on DVD and video! Relive epic matches like Sands vs. Beast and the fatal four way match for two number-one contenderships! Available now wherever fine videos are sold!

[Cut back to ringside as the music fades out.]

MN: I'm buying that thing, man.

DT: Of course you are.

MN: But only because Lindsay Troy made an appearance. YOWZA! She's a frickin' FOX, man. I bet she could peel chrome off a bumper-

DT: MIKE! FAMILY SHOW!!!

MN: What? Anyone can peel chrome off a bumper - with Chrome-B-Gone! Buy it at your local hardware store!

DT: Who did I offend to find myself saddled with you?

MN: Nobody. I'm a blessing in disguise. You can't resist my charms, Wendy's Man.

DT: Yeah, right. In any case, folks, we've got a momentous evening ahead of us tonight! Not only do we have some great matches slated to go down, EPW owner Dan Ryan has let it be known backstage that he's going to be shaking things up tonight in a big way!

MN: Wonder what the Hulk's got in mind?

DT: We'll just have to wait and see. In the meantime, let's head to the ring for our first match of the evening!

TONY FATORA: Th' following tag-team contest is scheduled for one fall!

[Lights go out and strobe effects start with the opening riff of "Zero" with the "EB" Ego Buster symbol flashing across the screen. Dan Ryan walks to the ring casually as the music plays. The fans offer a confused mixed reaction.]

DT: Uh... Folks, this is supposed to be a match between the Assassins and Second Coming, but apparently Dan Ryan's decided to make an appearance instead!

MN: Is he gonna wrestle? I thought he wasn't gonna do that.

[Ryan waits for the crowd to die down before taking the mic from Tony Fatora.]

RYAN: I'll cut to the chase. Some of you have heard that I'm going to shake things up tonight. You've heard right. Tonight, I'm going to take a good long look at the roster - and anyone who I feel isn't pulling their weight around here will be fired.

Speaking of dead weight - it seems the Assassins decided not to show up at the arena tonight for their match. So, guess what, Orion and Osiris? Hop in the bread line, because you two are out of a job. As for the Second Coming - I'm not too impressed with you guys, either, seeing as you failed to promote this match. SHAPE UP!, or you're going to meet the same fate as the Assassins in the near future. And yes, this match is cancelled. There's no room on my card for dead weight.

That's all for now, but you'll be hearing from me again later tonight.

["Zero" hits again as Ryan drops the mic and strolls to the back.]

DT: It seems Dan Ryan's really laying down the law! The Assassins are now GONE from EPW, and it looks as if Second Coming have landed on Ryan's bad side!

MN: I'm just waiting for Hulk to be all like, "YOU'RRRRRRRRRRRRE FIIIIIIIIIIIRED!"

DT: Mm, I think that's copyrighted.

MN: By who?

DT: Some little indy fed.

MN: Bleh. Indies need to get the F out.

DT: True, true. In any case, we need to cut to a commercial, but don't go away, because we'll be RIGHT back!