MN: The BIG money match!

DT: At Black Dawn, Cameron Cruise outlasted three other men to gain the number one contendership to the Empire Pro World Heavyweight Title. Now, he gets that shot against our champion, Christian Sands.

MN: Cruise only won that match because Beast made Troy Douglas feel the RAHHRRR, but hey, I won 50 bucks, so I’ll take it.

DT: And of course, in the main event, Sands won an instant classic with Beast, setting this matchup for tonight.

MN: This one’s gonna rule. Sands has been all sarcastically evil this week, just the way I like it.

DT: Take it away, Tony Fatora!

TF: The following match is scheduled for one fall, and will be contested for the Empire Pro Wrestling Heavyweight Championship...of the World!!! Introducing first...

[CUE UP: “Headstrong” Trapt as the crowd pops for Cameron Cruise and his wife/valet Mercedes Devon walk down the ramp and to the ring.]

TF: From Jacksonville, North Carolina...weighing in at 249 pounds...he is accompanied by Mercedes Devon and is the number one contender to the World Championship....CAMEROOOOOOONNNN CRRRRRUUUUUUUIIIIISSSSSE!!!!!!!!

MN: Alright! Hardcore porn’s favorite couple! Right, Burgerman?

DT: Honestly, I wouldn’t know Mike.

MN: C’mon, Neely! What, you’ve never watched a man and a woman f-

DT: FAMILY SHOW!

MN: f-f-f-feel for each other?

DT: You just never learn, Michael.

MN: Smartass.

TF: And now, his opponent...

[The haunting strains of "Dark Machine" by Paul Oakenfold cue up, and the lights in the arena go out; the GlobalTron lights up with an image of Christian Sands gazing down from a distance, his face illuminated as if by car headlights through a window. After the first fourteen seconds of the song, a red strobelight kicks in. Smoke machines begin blowing a drifting mist horizontally across the ramp as Christian Sands emerges, striding down the ramp with the mist curling about his feet. He vaults into the ring over the top rope and stretches his arms briefly before boosting himself up to a turnbuckle, seating himself there facing inward.]

TF: Hailing from Barrie, Ontario, Canada, and weighing in at 270 pounds. He is the REIGNING and DEFENDING EPW World Heavyweight Champion ... CHRISTIAAAAAANNNN SAAAAAAAANDDDDDSSSSS!!!!!!

[SFX: Bell rings]

DT: Here we go, Sands and Cruise for the strap!

MN: Eh. Just let me look at Mercedes. Yummmmmm....

DT: We talked about this with Beast and Lindsay Troy.

MN: Yeah, but I can take Cruise. Beast has the power of the RAHHR!

DT: Go ahead, Neely. I’m not stopping you.

MN: Ahh, maybe later.

DT: Thought so. Cruise and Sands, sizing each other up, and now it’s on! Collar and elbow tie up, and a quick Irish whip by the champ. Off the ropes is Cruise, and he gets under a back elbow attempt. Sands turns around...and he’s met with a flying forearm by the challenger!

MN: Christian DEFINETELY didn’t expect that one!

DT: Cruise charges as Sands gets up, and a flying cross body block sends Sands to the mat. The pin...ONE...and a quick kickout by our champion!!! An early close call for Christian Sands!

MN: Sands ain’t scared, trust me. He’s the shiznit.

DT: I still don’t get it.

MN: We’ve already established that you’re just not cool, Thomas.

[Shell shocked after Cruise’s early barrage, Sands gets caught by surprise once again with a quick snap suplex by the number one contender. Cruise then sets to drop an elbow, but Sands quickly rolls out of the way and Cruise’s elbow hits the mat with a THUD!]

DT: Christian Sands with one of his trademark heady moves, and he may finally be showing some signs of life.

[Sands quickly picks Cruise up, hitting him with a series of knees and forearm blows before sending Cruise flying across the ring with a picture perfect belly to belly overhead suplex!]

MN: Hey! He didn’t go through airport security before he took that flight! Terrorist! Terrorist! Air Marshal, ARREST CAMERON CRUISE!

DT: Cruise is up and shaky, he turns around...SPEAR!!! Big spear by Christian Sands! And now, Sands is in his element. He’s going back to that submission wrestling that made him famous by locking in a Fujiwara Armbar!!

MN: Yeah, stop that terrorist! I knew Cameron Cruise was an alias!

DT: Cripes, Neely. Cameron Cruise isn’t a terrorist!

MN: Oh yeah, well, uh, PROVE IT!!!

[Sands wrenches on the arm and shoulder of Cruise, but Cameron is eventually able to fight his way to his feet, however, Sands keeps the hold locked in as a standing armbar.]

DT: Cruise has managed to get Christian Sands off his shoulder, but that armbar is still locked in and is still VERY painful.

MN: Sands is the master of these submission holds. He knows 472 ways to make you tap out with attacks to his opponents fingernails alone!

DT: Insight from Mike Neely once again. Cruise with a crescent kick to break the hold...NO! Sands grabs the leg with his other arm! He has him up...SINGLE LEG POWERBOMB!!! Cameron Cruise crashes to the mat after that side crescent kick backfired.

MN: That’s one of the most unbelievable power moves I’ve ever seen!

DT: Sands with the pin...

1...

2...

THRRRRR-KICKOUT!!! Cruise barely escapes after that vicious powerbomb!

MN: Mercedes looks worried. I’ll go comfort her.

DT: Stay right here, cowboy.

[Sands continues to maintain the advantage, hitting a big atomic drop before sending Cruise way overhead once again with a half-nelson suplex. He goes back to the submissions again, now locking in a surfboard submission hold. Cameron Cruise can be heard groaning in pain from the strain on his back as a pained look crosses his face.]

MN: Man, I bet Mercedes sounds like that in-

DT: QUIT IT NEELY!!!!

MN: But I don’t wanna!

DT: Sands STILL has that surfboard locked in, but Cameron Cruise is trying desperately to wriggle free. He’s fighting, still fighting, and he gets to the ropes by breaking his right arm free! Sands breaks the hold momentarily, but he pulls Cruise into a waistlock. German suplex by Christian Sands!

MN: Why are they called German suplexes?

DT: I don’t know, but here comes a SECOND German suplex by the World Champion!

MN: Really, I wanna know. Was there I Klaus von Suplex or something?

DT: I don’t KNOW, Michael, but Christian Sands rolls through and hits a THIRD German-NO! Low blow by Cruise, and now a devastating Impact DDT! Cameron Cruise has turned the tide, and now HE’S going to work with the submission holds! Ankle Lock Submission applied, and Christian Sands is feeling the pain!

MN: Come on, FEEL THE BURN, BABY!!!

DT: Why me? Why him? Is there any sense of justice in this universe?

MN: Nope. Heheheheheh.

DT: Oh. Crap.

MN: Don’t worry, you’ve still got you’re old pal Mike Neely here to be there for you.

DT: That’s what I’m so depressed about.

[Meanwhile, Sands finds himself unable to break the ankle lock, until Cruise tries to wrench the ankle once more and the champion is able to roll through, applying an armbar until Cruise is able to reach the ropes. Both men stand up, with Sands limping after the effects of that submission hold. Cruise sees this and quickly cut blocks Sands to the mat and begins dropping knees on that right ankle. However, as Cruise tries to work to the ankle lock once again, Sands springs to the mat.]

MN: YESSSS!!! Sands was just playing possum!

DT: Christian Sands, the master of mind games, just outsmarted Cameron Cruise, and now he’s going for the end...SANDMAN’S CLUTCH!!! He’s got the Cobra Clutch Crossface locked in!!!

MN: This is how he won the World Title, Davey!

DT: Cameron Cruise is trying to break the hold, and he DOES with a low blow!!! Sands is shocked and...REALITY CHECK!!! Reality Check out of nowhere by Cameron Cruise!!! The pin...

ONE...

TWO...

THREEEEE!!!! NO!!!! NO!!!! Sands kicked out at TWO POINT NINE!!!

MN: Wow. I’m stunned.

DT: That’s a first, people. Christian Sands gets dragged up by Cameron Cruise ... REALITY CHECK-blocked by Sands and turned into a MONSTROUS URANAGE!!!!! Sands now up top...MOONSAULT!!!

MN: He doesn’t fly often, but when he does, it always works.

DT: Save a couple of bursts by Cameron Cruise, Christian Sands has dominated this contest, and now he’s locking in a Sharpshooter! It’s in the middle of the ring!

MN: Cruise has gotta tap out!

DT: He’s not!

MN: He’s tapping!

DT: No!

MN: Yes!

DT: No!

MN: There!! He tapped!!

DT: No he didn’t! Cameron Cruise is struggling over to the ropes, and with a desperation grasp he gets them with his right hand!!!

MN: But, he tapped!

DT: No, he didn’t, Mike.

MN: Fine, suit yourself.

[Though the hold is broken, Sands is quickly back to work, hitting Cruise with a series of stiff and brutal kicks to the head before decimating Cruise with a Diamond Cutter and locking in a Figure Four Leg Lock!]

DT: Figure Four! We’ve never seen this from Sands before! He had to pick this one up from Jean Rabesque!

MN: Jean Ra-WHO?

DT: You REALLY need to watch other promotions, Neely. Sands and Rabesque fought a sixty six minute draw a month and a half ago!

MN: Ohhhh....THAT Jean Rabisque.

DT: Rabesque.

MN: I like Bisque better. Mmmmmm...sooooooouuuuuppp.

DT: Nevertheless, Christian still has that figure four clamped in, and now Cruise’s shoulders hit the mat!

ONE...

TWO...

HE GETS THE SHOULDER UP!!! But, that figure four continues to wear down the number one contender. Cruise is fighting back, he’s trying to roll over and reverse the pressure!

MN: He won’t get it...

DT: HE GOT IT!! The pressure is reversed, and now Cruise is working it back into a Sharpshooter of his own-NO!!! Sands caught his arms on the way back! Backslide attempt...

ONE...

TWO...

THR-NOOOOOO!!! Cruise barely kicked out of that UNREAL counter by Christian Sands.

MN: Man, I’ve never seen ANYONE counter a Sharpshooter like that!

DT: Christian Sands is wasting no time, and he’s now Cameron Cruise up to his feet. He grabs him...REALITY CHECK!!! Christian Sands just hit Cameron Cruise with his own finisher!! Wait a minute, he’s not going for the pin!

MN: No, he wants to break him into tiny little pieces first.

DT: He’s going for the Sandman’s Clutch once again!!! He sets it up, but Cruise reverses! Off the ropes comes Cam Cruise, and a Shining Wizard stuns Sands. Standing headscissors applied...SHIPWRECK-NO!!! Christian Sands blocked it with a back body drop! Cruise is up and charging, but Sands gets behind and...SAND BLASTER!!! Up he comes again...SAND BLASTER NUMBER TWO!!!

MN: OW! That hurts just looking at it!

DT: He hoists Cruise to his feet one more time, and NOW he has that Sandman’s Clutch cinched in good and tight!

MN: He’s gonna end this the same exact way he ended Beast!

DT: Cameron Cruise is damn near unconscious, but he’s still fighting it, and this sadistic Christian Sands just keeps locking that Cobra Clutch Crossface even tighter!!!

MN: He’s gotta tap! Nobody withholds for that long!

DT: He’s fighting it, fighting it...

MN: IT’S OVER!!!

DT: CAMERON CRUISE TAPS OUT!!!

[SFX: *DINGDINGDING* - Bell rings.]

TONY FATORA: Here is your winner and STILLLLLLLLLLLL Heavyweight Champion of the World... CHRRRRRRRRRISTIAAAAAAANNNNNNN... SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNDSSSSS!!!

DT: Well, Cameron Cruise put forth an unbelievably valiant effort, but in the end he just could not withstand the force of Christian Sands and that deadly Sandman’s Clutch submission.

MN: Hell, Beast couldn’t withstand it and he’s got the RAHRR!!! Cruiser couldn’t hold it out for long, especially since he’s a...

DT:...DON’T SAY TERRORIST!!!

MN:...smaller guy than Beast!

DT: Damn you. Damn you to the eternal depths of hell. What a main event, and what a stunning night of action here in Atlanta at Aggression! Be sure to tune in next week for more Aggression!

MN: And more RAAHR!

DT: For Mike Neely, I'm Dave Thomas - Goodnight, everybody!