DT: Certainly an interesting announcement from Dean Matthews, as it seems we're welcoming Empire Girls Candy, Tiffany, Ruby, and Miyoko to the family! 

MN: Matthews is the MASTER OF AWESOMENESS. Look at these babes! I need new undies! 

DT: ... That's sick. 

MN: Why? My old ones have a hole in the butt. 

DT: I don't want to know. 

MN: It's from- 

DT: -Folks, it's time for our final tag-team qualifying match, and it's gonna be a doozy! 

MN: Is it ever, man! 

DT: One team in this match, the Monsta Boyz, have been together for two years and are already four-time tag-team champions, recognized as one of the best tag teams in the world. The other team is more recently established, consisting of Cameron Cruise and a very unlikely ally who's been going strong for over fifteen years now - one of the biggest legends in wrestling history, Joey Melton! 

MN: Heeeell yeah! It's been over fifteen years, but this guy's still awesome! I still can't believe it! JOEY F'N MELTON! 

DT: I was shocked when I first heard it, too! The relationship between Cruise and Melton is unusual, but it seems as if Melton is here to help Cruise rise to new heights. 

MN: But can they do it against the Monsta Boyz? 

DT: Let's find out!   

TONY FATORA: Th' following tag-team contest is scheduled for one fall! The winners will advance to the triple-threat tag-team title match at Unleashed! 

[As the first 12 seconds of "Superbeast" by Rob Zombie cue up, the arena goes dark and the EmpireTron lights up with an image of the Monsta Boyz, both in heavy shadow, standing against a flickering red backdrop. The crowd, meanwhile, goes bonkers, cheering and screaming wildly. As the heavy riffs cue in, the lights flare into flashing blue and green as Buff Bellows and Fat Farrell stride down the ramp at a moderate pace, stepping over the ropes into the ring. Each man hops onto the apron and mounts a turnbuckle, saluting the fans with flexing and such.] 

TONY FATORA: Introducing first... They hail from Monsta Country... They weigh in at a grand total of WELL OVER EIGHT HUNDRED pounds... Buff Bellows... Fat Farrell... They arrrre THEEEEEEEEEE MONSTAAAAAAAAAAAA BOOOOOOOOOOOOOYZ!!! 

[Cue up: "Headstrong" - Trapt. Cameron Cruise emerges at the head of the ramp with Mercedes Devon in tow, stopping to await his partner.] 

TONY FATORA: And their opponents! Introducing first... He hails from Jacksonville, North Carolina... He weighs two hundred and forty-nine pounds... He issss CAMEROOOOOOOOOONNNNNN... CRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUISE!!! 

[Cue up: "All The Things She Said" - Tatu. Recognizing the music, the crowd goes completely ape****. They go even more ape**** as Joey Melton emerges at the head of the ramp. One of the Empire Girls - Ruby - leans out of her cage and winks at Melton. He flashes a grin at her. Melton and Cruise strategize momentarily, then stride to the ring, surrounded by the deafening roar of the crowd. Melton stops Cruise, however, and points back to the Empire Girls with a huge grin on his face. Cruise rolls his eyes and turns, looking at the girls briefly before turning to slide into the ring, all business. Melton eyes the girls for a moment longer, then looks towards Cruise, mouthing the words 'She wants me'. However, Cruise is already in the ring. Melton sighs, shrugs, and follows Cruise.] 

TONY FATORA: And his partner! He hails from New York, New York! He weighs in at two hundred and ten pounds and is a wrestling legend in his own right! THISSSS... ISSSSS... JOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYY... MEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLTOOOOOOOONNNNNNNN!!!! 

[SFX: *DING* - Bell rings.] 

DT: Listen to this crowd! The show of respect for the legend Melton is enormous! 

MN: Melton ROCKS! It's that simple! 

[Buff Bellows and Cameron Cruise start the match. Cruise darts in for a tie-up, but Bellows casually slugs him down with meaty right hands. As Cruise rolls to his feet, Buff boots him in the gut, then wheels him into the ropes with a hard Irish whip, turning him inside-out with a clothesline on the rebound.] 

DT: What a huge clothesline from Buff Bellows! You have to believe that the size advantage is going to cause Cruise and Melton some problems, as Buff has a hundred-pound weight advantage over both his opponents - and Farrell a two-hundred pound advantage! 

MN: Farrell's such a fatty. I bet you've been feeding him Biggie fries. 

[As Cruise comes to his feet, Buff runs the ropes and catches the smaller man in the mouth with a big boot, sending him flying across the ring. A tag is made to Fat Farrell, who steps through the ropes and body slams Cruise with authority.] 

DT: Big body slam by the four hundred and fifty pounder! 

MN: It's a miracle the ring isn't collapsing. 

DT: Well, Fat Farrell certainly is a heavyweight in every sense of the word. 

[Grabbing Cruise by the arm, Farrell whips him into the ropes and goes for a back body drop on the rebound. However, he telegraphs it, and Cruise scores with a kick to the face of the fat man. As Farrell stumbles, Cruise grabs him by the neck and hits a crisp neckbreaker. Darting to his corner, Cruise makes the tag to Melton.] 

DT: And there's the tag, and here comes the legend! 

[Farrell wobbles to his feet, and Melton immediately stuns him with a kick to the gut. Dropping to the mat, Melton takes him down with a chop-block to the leg and boosts in, driving a few right hands into the fat man's face. Farrell manages to push Melton off, but as the fat man rolls to one knee, Melton hits the ropes and knocks him down again with a low dropkick to Farrell's head.] 

DT: Big dropkick there from Joey Melton, as he's got Fat Farrell reeling here! You can definitely see the experience coming into play, Mike. Melton's the smallest man in the match, but he knows exactly how to keep a big man off-balance. 

MN: I want to have his babies. 

DT: ...Never speak of that again. 

[Pulling Farrell to his feet, Melton catches him across the chest with a stiff knife-edged chop. A few more chops ensue, pushing Farrell into a corner. Chopping a few more times, Melton grabs his opponent's head and barrels out of the corner with a bulldog!] 

DT: Textbook bulldog there by the veteran Melton, and there's the cover - One - TWO - Kickout by Farrell! 

MN: IT LIVES! 

[Undaunted, Melton drags Farrell off the mat and kicks him hard in the gut, following with a second kick just in case the first one didn't penetrate Farrell's ample girth. He sets the fat man up in a front face lock and pulls him into his corner, where he tags Cameron Cruise. The two men set Farrell up and heave him off the canvas with some effort, delivering a double suplex that shakes the canvas!] 

DT: Tag to Cruise - OH! DOUBLE SUPLEX TO THE FOUR HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUND FAT FARRELL!!! 

MN: WHOA MAMA! 

DT: There's the cover! One! 

TWO! 

NO, Farrell JUST kicked out! 

MN: Close one. 

[Cruise grabs a handful of Farrell's Hawaiian shirt and pulls him to his feet, keeping him off-balance with a few quick punches that back the big man into a corner. He goes for the Irish whip, but Farrell won't budge. Cruise tries again, but Farrell reverses him and sends him into the corner. Grunting, Farrell goes for a charge, only to eat boot as Cruise gets a leg up.] 

DT: Shift in the momentum - No, Farrell hits a boot from Cruise! 

MN: He's probably tasting Dr. Scholl's right now! 

[As Farrell stumbles out of the corner, Cruise hops up onto the second rope and comes off to deliver an axehandle. However, he gets caught by Farrell in a waistlock and hurled across the ring with a huge belly-to-belly suplex!] 

DT: Oh, huge overhead belly-to-belly by the biggest man in the match! 

MN: AIR CRUISE! 

[Farrell waddles to his corner and makes the tag to Buff Bellows. The ridiculously muscular man steps into the ring and slugs Cruise roughly, then picks him up and whips him into the ropes. As Cruise rebounds, Buff catches him, pivots, and drills him with a monster spinebuster!] 

DT: What a spinebuster from Buff Bellows! The cover! 

One - 

TWO - 

Kickout by Cruise! 

MN: I'm surprised Cruise's spine didn't snap in half! 

[Grabbing Cruise by the leg, Buff drags the limp man to his feet and holds him upside-down off the canvas. He then throws on a waistlock and spikes Cruise into the mat with a huge piledriver!] 

DT: Piledriver to Cruise! Cover! 

One! 

TWO! 

...NO! Two point nine! 

MN: Poor little Cruisey. He's getting completely manhandled. 

[Bellows grabs Cruise and pushes him back into Farrell's corner. A tag is made. Buff whips Cruise into a corner and delivers a running body splash. He then whips Cruise across the ring, allowing Farrell to charge and sandwich the smaller man with a running butt splash!] 

DT: OOH! Cruise gets FLATTENED by the onrush of the four hundred and sixty-five pounder! 

MN: More specifically, his BIG FAT ASS. 

DT: That thing's a weapon! 

[Stunned, Cruise lies limp in the corner. Farrell pounds on him with hard right hands, forcing Cruise to a sitting position. He then proceeds to stomp a mudhole in Cruise. After a few stomps Farrell backs off and sets himself up, waiting for Cruise to rise. He then charges in for another running butt splash. Cruise sidesteps, and Farrell's butt gets stuck between the bottom two turnbuckles, allowing Cruise to bring him out of the corner with a hard DDT!] 

DT: Huge DDT by Cruise! Both he and Farrell are now down! 

MN: The momentum is shifting! 

DT: Cruise crawling to his corner! Farrell crawling to his! 

MN: Listen to this CROWD, man! 

DT: These people can feel the electricity as Cruise reaches for Melton's hand! Almost there... Almost there... YES!!! MELTON IS IN!!! 

[Tags are made in both corners. The crowd erupts as Melton rushes in and stuns Buff Bellows with a running clothesline, then ducks behind to take the huge man down with a neckbreaker. Farrell tries for the save, but Melton ducks the big boot and hits a superkick to take Farrell out. Bellows again comes to his feet, and Melton DDTs him.] 

DT: Joey Melton is a house afire! Neckbreaker for Bellows! Superkick for Farrell! DDT for Bellows! 

MN: HE'S ON FIIIIIIIRE! 

[As Buff recovers, Melton chops him a few times, then staggers him with a jawbreaker. He tries for the Irish whip, but gets reversed. Rebounding, Melton tries for a Thesz press, but Buff catches him and brings him over with a HUGE powerslam!] 

DT: OH! BIG powerslam on Melton! Buff with the cover! 

One! 

TWO! 

CRUISE BREAKS IT UP! 

[Indeed, Cruise breaks up the pin with an elbow drop onto Buff. However, Farrell recovers and grabs Cruise by the leg, pulling him off the pile. Cruise spins and cracks Farrell on the side of the head with a hard enziguri, knocking him down!] 

DT: HUGE enziguri by Cruise! The official's beginning to lose control of the match! 

[Cruise quickly whirls to confront Bellows; however, the big man winds up and clocks Cruise in the face with a huge uppercut!] 

DT: BUFFERCUT! Down goes Cruise! 

MN: BOOM! 

[With a grunt, Buff picks Cruise up and presses him over his head. However, that doesn't last long, as Melton recovers and hits the ropes, taking out Buff's leg with a kick. Bellows goes down hard, with Cruise dropping onto him!] 

DT: Cruise in a pinning position - but he's not legal! 

MN: Melton and Bellows are! 

[Pulling Cruise roughly off of Buff, Farrell reenters the fray. He and Cruise exchange punches before Cruise clotheslines Farrell to the outside, following him out. Meanwhile, Melton and Bellows are recovering inside the ring.] 

DT: Cruise and Farrell on the outside, as the legal men are still in the ring! 

[Both men come to their feet. Melton shoots in for a takedown, but Buff kicks him in the gut. He slugs Melton a few more times, then stuffs him into a standing headscissors, signaling to the roaring crowd.] 

DT: Uh-oh! It could be time for the Bellow Bomb! 

[Bellows quickly pulls Melton up onto his shoulders. However, the wily Melton slips out and drops to his feet in front of Bellows, immediately ducking and scoring with a double-leg takedown. He stomps on Bellows' knee a few times, then signals to the crowd and applies his signature maneuver - the figure-four leg lock!] 

DT: FIGURE-FOUR!!! 

MN: YES!!! 

DT: MELTON WITH THE FIGURE-FOUR APPLIED!!! Anyone who knows Melton knows he's a master of this particular hold! 

MN: It's so over! 

DT: Bellows is fighting it... Trying to turn it over... 

MN: Almost there... 

DT: WAIT!!! HE'S TAPPING!!! BUFF BELLOWS TAPS OUT!!! IT'S OVER!!! MELTON AND CRUISE WIN IT!!! 

MN: YEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!! 

[SFX: *DING*] 

TONY FATORA: Here are your winners... Cameron Cruuuuuuise and JOOOOOOEEEEEEEYYYY... MEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLTOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNN!!! 

DT: What a match for Cruise and Melton, as they advance to the tag-team title playoffs and become the first team to ever make the Monsta Boyz submit! 

MN: My MAN! I knew Melton'd do it! 

DT: Melton definitely seems to be in top form. It should be interesting to see how he and Cruise fare at Unleashed against Blitz and the team of Golem and X-Ecutioner. 

MN: The Freaks and the Geeks. Heehee. 

DT: We've got to go to a commercial, but when we come back, it's Troy Douglas and Adam Benjamin! That's next! 

[Cut to a commercial for the Downunder Steakhouse.]