CUE: 'Battle Without Honor or Humanity' - Tomoyasu Hotei. The lights at the MGM Grand begin to flicker on and off as the overhead screen begins to show highlights of another federation ... GWE. The crowds cheers slowly begin to turn into boos once seeing the big screen promote stars of GWE's past.]
MN: What the hell is going on? GWE? Is it shot and beer night? What the HELL are those letters doing on the screen?
DT: All of us in Empire Pro were a little nervous when Boogie Smallz ran his mouth, but now he'll have to pay the price because I think his boss is here TONIGHT!
MN: His boss? You mean his supplier?
DT: You could say that ...
[Making his way to the top of the stage in a GWE Jersey and a pair of lovely ladies by his side, GWE Owner Erik Zieba is greeted to an ovation of boos and cheers.]
MN: DEAR SWEET LOVE OF THE LORD WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE!
DM: I can't believe it! He tore away from his computer in Germany and managed to hop a flight to Las Vegas! Maybe he's looking for the odds makers on his fantasy football site.
MN: Hey that's pretty good.
DM: Like that? I'm full of'em.
DT: That's not the only thing you're full of ...
DM: WHAT?
MN: Oh it's gettin' hot in herrr.
DT: Nevermind that! The GWE Owner is in the ring and he's got a mic!
[Taking the microphone from one of the ring attendants, Zieba looks around at the crowd and lets off a slight snicker before starting.]
EZ: Now I was told, beforehand, to keep it clean when I came out here to speak my mind. They told me that I need to watch what I say cause I might upset others who might not be involved or otherwise don't care. They said that I need to stay in line and so respect to this federation just like they have to everyone else.
Well BUMP THAT CAUSE IT AIN'T HAPPIN'
Oh, and by the way, if you ain't figured it out already ... it's gonna be a shoot.
[Zieba takes another moment to look at the crowd ... in disgust.]
Well, well. So this is what I left Germany for? I was living the life of living off of others while my fed was running smoothly, but then I heard they tried to take it over ... even RENAMED IT! That ... that really hurt inside. I guess that's why I went out of my way to make sure that if people are gonna change MY FEDERATION AROUND ... that I stop it before it happens!
So I put it in ... oh how do you say ... hiatus? Like people should really care WHAT I do. The workers in GWE didn't care. None were really showing up for work. Those who did show up for work were sub-par as it was. And, because of our esteemed champion, it's not like we ever had a drug test system going on. Face it ... the federation was going straight down the crapper. I was doing everyone a FAVOR!
[Zieba looks over at one of the EPW fans and flips him off.]
EZ: How about that buddy? You think I'm number one then right back at ya!
[Boos begin to fill the arena as Zieba continues on.]
EZ: In case nobody picked up on it by now I was MORE than happy to step away from this 'business'. I've got a ton of more important things to be doing rather than hearing some immature lil'brats come up to me and say 'When's the next show?' Like that's what I F'N live for. I'm here to entertain you just so you can have a happy life. And, if I didn't make you happy, you think you have the RIGHT to come find me and ***** me out just because I booked you to look bad. Like I'm really supposed to care.
Man I'm glad I walked away, but OBVIOUSLY some *****ES don't want me to walk! I can point a lot of fingers at people who have pissed me off since the last card. Two hoseheads that come to mind are....AHEM....Beast and Marx. These two little wastes of flesh got their respective panties in a bunch just because I made some comments that they didn't agree with. These two faced oxygen bandits told me that I shouldn't say bad things in public, but rather seek out the responsible parties in private. I would respect what they said, but considering they didn't drop any lines after what was in the LAST EPW card ... their words and wisdom, in general, don't mean JACK. And if they don't like what I'm sayin' now then TOUGH! Wha'cha gonna do? Cry me a river? Cry it, float down it, and fall off the edge of existence cause I could give a rat's ass less WHAT YOU TWO THINK!
[The boos get louder as Zieba continues on.]
EZ: How the HELL are you people booing me? Half of your FREAKIN ROSTER is made up of GWE ALUMNI! The reason THIS FED is worth a damn is because of things I started LONG AGO! Most of the talent back there? MINE. Most of the format you see on Empire Pro? MY IDEA. What's next? King of the Cage? Stairway to Hell? Long Hard Road Out Of Hell? Let's just steal everything from old Erik Zieba you might think, but that ain't gonna happen and it stops right now!
Starting first ... with a certain belt held by a criminal known as Boogie Smallz ...
[Some cheers go up for the last GWE Heavyweight Champion.]
EZ: Cheer all you want, but just remember that is MY PROPERTY you are cheering for. The belt ... AND MY ***** BOOGIE JOE! You see ... I can understand why Boogie Joe has so much hate in the world, but I don't understand why he directs it towards me. Is it my fault that he never got a break in other federations? Is it my fault that he had to hock a belt and make it into a chain? I gave him a chance to do the impossible in GWE and he impressed alot of people. He turned heads TOWARDS him rather than away from him and why? Cause I, ERIK MUTHA F'N ZIEBA GAVE HIM THAT CHANCE! And what does he do? He spits on me. He bites the hand that feeds him. He tries to call me out and say that I should stay off the Autobahn and tear away from the computer just so I can come back and CONTINUE to make him famous.
When I first heard of Boogie Joe he was nothing more than a ECW groupie waiting in the crowd PRAYING people ... SOMEONE would notice him.
Back then, the only highlight in his life, was when a wrestler opened up a can of beer and poured it in Boogie Joe's mouth. It was all on tape. I should know cause he sent it to me as his résumé. Boogie Joe was so proud. I still remember the phone conversation. Hey guys look at me. He's pouring beer in my mouth. I'm so famous!
[Zieba points towards the big screen where the tape replays showing the image.]
EZ: My question to you is this ... how do you even know that is beer? It could've been something else. Yellow liquid being poured down on you ... sure you wasn't having a water sport moment? Maybe you thought you would make ESPN's Top Ten? Maybe they would label it as the kid who looked up at the man who poured a can of piss on him? Is that what you want? Does it make you feel better? Do you feel good that your highlight is another man pouring liquid on you? You don't even KNOW what it was, but it tasted good didn't it Boogie Joe?
No wonder you turned to weed. Anything to get THAT taste out of your mouth!
But I felt PITY for you when I should not have. Nobody else was giving you a break so I took a chance, lost the bet, and gave you a contract. And look what I did for you. I made you a CHAMPION! Oh wait ...
Did you actually think you EARNED that belt?
[Zieba laughs in the ring while the audience is staring ... confused.]
EZ: You know ... he even had the nerve ... THE NERVE ... to come out and say that I should care what others THINK? That I should get off my lazy ass, quit driving on the autobahn, pull away from fantasy football, and CARE about HIM? F ... ORGET HIM!
Oh, in case nobody figured it out yet, I would be talking about one Boogie Joe a. k. a. Joe Mendelsohn.
Yeah. Joe Mendelsohn. What? You morons think he walks around town signing checks as Boogie Smallz?
Maybe he forgot to realize, but UNLIKE HIM ... I DO have a life to lead. I have things to worry about rather than how HIGH he can get and what kind of F'ED up ideas he can send to me just to push HIS character. Shoot ... if it wasn't for his alter ego Boogie Smallz ... he would HAVE NO CHARACTER!
Figure out what the Freak THAT means!
Mendelsohn you make me sick. You're gonna come out here and some some 'ish' about me? *****! What do you do for a living? Don'cha get out of the house son? Hell! You've got alot of nerve saying it's wrong to be playing Fantasy Football considering you're on the SAME F'N LEAGUE! Or am I supposed to look over The Cashville Chronic?
[Zieba begins to laugh as the crowd continues to boo.]
EZ: Here are the ground rules I'm gonna set down so that even YOU can understand. You will leave my name and anything referring to MY FED out of your conversations. Verbal or visual ... stay out of my business. I would've hoped you would have returned my emails from before, but you were probably too busy being dazed and confused and unable to turn on a computer let alone READ anything. Can you ... understand that?
I am not returning to federations. I have no desire to return to federations. And, I assure you, the last thing you want to do is to get my COMPLETE AND UTTER F'N ATTENTION!
Oh yeah, and one more thing, for the 'in-character' crowd, Boogie Smallz ... you picked the wrong OWNER ... to F**K WITH! And EPW ... it has been ... your ... pleasure!
[CUE: 'Battle Without Honor or Humanity' - Tomoyasu Hotei. Zieba's music starts back up as he exits the ring to a loud chorus of boos and heads towards the back.]
MN: Someone's having a bad day.
DT: Folks, I can only guess what the reaction to that little...tirade...is gonna be, but I can't imagine certain people backstage are gonna be happy.
DM: Well, you've gotta know he didn't just waltz out here through security and bust out of character suddenly without permission. The boss had to know what was gonna happen.
DT: Are you suggesting Dan Ryan would let Zieba come out here and trash his company like that?
DM: What is Dan Ryan concerned with most of all?
Thomas and Neely at the same time: Ratings.
MN: Pinch poke you owe me a coke.
DT: [having been pinched by Neely] OWW!
DM: Heh.
DT: Touch me again and die, Neely.
DM: Touchy touchy.
DT: Well, whatever the circumstances of Zieba's appearance we still have a show to do. Let's go up to the ring...where Karl “The Dragon” Brown will be taking on the number one contender to Beast’s World Championship, Troy Douglas.
MN: Well, after tonight, it might belong to either one of the current Tag Team Champions. Ooh, the thought of Joey Melton winning the Empire World title excites me almost as much as the idea of Big Loafy being humiliated by wrestling in a dress!
DM: Well that’s just scary there, Mike, but I have to say, a Melton/Douglas match does intrigue me. But regardless, this match is happening right now, and I can’t wait to see Brown and Douglas go at it.
Karl "the Dragon" Brown vs. Troy Douglas
MN: Well, it WAS nice of Douglas to show up this week, wasn’t it?
DT: Hey, we all have our rough spots here and there. Regardless, this should be a great match. The rubber match, if you will between the two.
MN: Rubber match? Ew, I just got the nastiest thought in my head.
DT: Will you get your mind out of the gutter for a second?
DM: While you two retards bicker, I think I might point out that Brown’s win happened because of interference by the erstwhile Rocko Daymon.
[Cue up “Rainmaker” on the PA. Karl Brown comes out to a mixed reaction.]
DT: Well, Karl Brown has gone through an attitude change over the last few weeks Dean, and I don’t think we’ve seen the end of it. He might not need Daymon’s help now to get the job done.
DM: Not saying he would there, Dave-o, but I don’t think we’ll see that attitude adjustment end any time soon, which might pose a little problem for our wittle wookie of the yeaw in there. He can still flat-out wrestle with the best of them though. That’s why he’s always an upset special.
MN: Well, anything but that idiot Douglas. You know, he ought to stick to training folks.
DM: You know Neely, sometimes I can tolerate you, but c’mon, show a little consistency. You know you’re gonna be cheering your ass off for Douglas come WrestleVerse.
MN: Of course I am. I’d root for Hitler if he were wrestling Big Loafy.
DT: FAMILY SHOW NEELY!
[Brown stoically enters the ring and “Kashmir” cues up on the PA. Troy Douglas enters the arena to a huge ovation from the crowd.]
DT: Listen to this Vegas crowd cheer for the number one contender!
DM: Well, he oughtta give ‘em a better show than he did last week. That much is certain.
DT: Douglas enters the ring and we’re about ready to start things up.
[*ding ding ding*]
DT: Alright, time for some action. Brown and Douglas lock up, and collar and elbow tie up. Douglas gets the advantage, gets behind Brown with a rear waistlock.
MN: Hey, can we call that move a McGreevey from now on?
DT: You are a schmuck, you know that?
DM: Hey, I kinda liked that one. Humina humina humina!
DT: Back to the action in the ring, Brown with one elbow, two elbows, a third elbow and Douglas relinquishes the hold. Douglas backing off a little and Brown hits him with a clothesline! Douglas to the canvas.
MN: Hmm, looks like Douglas is a still a little rusty.
DM: Or maybe Karl Brown is pretty good and is getting off to a quick start.
DT: Douglas gets up quick, Brown steps back a little. They lock up again, this time, Brown gets the advantage, side headlock. Douglas pushes Brown out of it, the Dragon off the ropes and... FLYING FOREARM! Douglas to the canvas, but Brown, wasting no time, with the headlock!
DM: Wearing the number one contender down. This is good strategy.
DT: He’s wrenching it in. Karl Brown is a master technician, folks. He can make the simplest headlock feel like torture.
MN: Same with his interviews...
DT: Hush, I find them interesting.
MN: Big surprise there!
DM: Ladies, ladies, we have a match to call.
DT: You’re right, and it seems Douglas is gaining some strength, powering back to his feet. Shoves Brown off, rebound and Karl Brown just hit him with a flying forearm!
DM: Big impact there, Dave.
DT: Brown goes right to the mat and covers....
One...
But Douglas kicks out.
DM: That might have been a bit too early for a pin attempt.
MN: I’m surprised Douglas kicked out.
DT: Why’s that?
MN: Lack of training.
DT: Will you get off it already? Brown up with Douglas, kick to the gut, and swinging neckbreaker! Douglas down to the canvas. Brown follows in with a knee drop to the chest and a cover...
One...
Two...
But Douglas kicks out again!
DM: Wow, the Dragon is tenacious.
DT: That he is, Dean, he’s back on Douglas, picking him up and...
MN: McGreeveying him!
DT: Thank you, Neely. He’s behind and... SNAP DRAGON SUPLEX! That was pretty vicious!
DM: You’re telling me. HEADA DOROPORINGU!
MN: What in the hell was that?
DM: Don’t you watch Japanese wrestling?
DT: Brown’s not going for the pin here, he’s got Douglas up and in the corner, inverted facelock. I think he’s going for diamond dust here, but... NO! Douglas just threw him off the top rope and Brown landed flat on his back!
MN: What in the hell is Douglas doing now?
DM: Climbing to the top. Can’t you see that?
MN: That was a rhetori, rhetauro, rhe...
DM: Alright, speak and say, just can it and watch!
DT: Douglas to the top and he’s waiting, waiting, Brown gets up and... MISSILE DROPKICK! Oh my! Troy Douglas just pulled that out of his bag of tricks. He’s up and covers...
One...
No! Brown kicks out.
MN: What an idiot. He just takes a beating from the Dragon and thinks he can kick right out? This guy is gonna get mauled by Big Loafy.
DM: Hey, that was alright stratgety there. Cover as many times as you can, make the guy kick out as much as possible. It’s psychology, Neels.
DT: Douglas grabs Brown by the arm and whips him into the corner. Douglas charges and BIG IMPACT with the splash! Brown falls flat on his face! Douglas right over and nails him in the back of the head with a knee drop! Douglas is punishing the Dragon!
DM: I think the sleeping number one contender has been awakened.
MN: Meh.
DM: Meh? That’s all you have to say?
DT: Dean, it’s the most intelligent thing he’s had to say in months!
MN: Oh, kiss my as...
DT: FAMILY SHOW!
MN: ...cott.
DT: Douglas now with the camel clutch, he’s pulling back but Brown gets the ropes quickly. Douglas picks up Brown and...
MN: McGreeveys him!
DT: Somebody cut his mic, please! Go behind to a bridging German suplex!
One...
Two...
But Brown kicks out!
DM: This is the Troy Douglas that earned that shot at the World title.
DT: Douglas grabs Brown and sits him on the turnbuckles. Could this be the End of the Road? He goes to... NO! Karl Brown just shoved Douglas off the turnbuckle! He stands up and... elbow right to the sternum!
DM: SHAMALAMABINGBONG!
DT: Brown grabs Douglas and picks him up... T-BONE SUPLEX! Brown really hit him hard there! Brown goes down to the canvas and locks in the dragon sleeper, leg scissors and all.
DM: Is he going for the kill here, or just trying to wear him out? Cuz suckaz gotsta know!
MN: I don’t know, but whatever he’s doing, it looks like Douglas is having a hell of a time in it.
DT: Brown’s stretching him good here, but Douglas is trying to roll over and get to the ropes.
MN: Ring the bell, he’s not gonna roll over here.
DM: I don’t know, Neely. He’s getting some momentum, I think he’s got a shot...
DT: Douglas with the last burst and he gets to the ropes. Brown isn’t breaking the hold. C’mon ref, one, two, three... Brown releases.
MN: Bull, he’s on roids!
DT: That’s your excuse for everything!
DT: Brown hurries to his feet and stomps on Douglas before he can get up. Brown back to the canvas, picks Douglas up, he goes behind him, dragon sleeper again... I think he’s going for the Dragon’s Bite and... NO! Douglas blocked it! Douglas blocked it! He reaches back and... STUNNER! Brown flies back and Douglas with the quick cover...
One...
Two...
THREE!
[*ding ding ding*]
Tony Fatora: Your winner by pinfall... TROY DOUUUUGLAS!
DT: Well, Douglas pulled that one out of nowhere, but we need to give credit to Karl Brown.
DM: I agree, but let’s not sell Douglas short here. He used a good counter to get the win. I like that. I think he’s ready for Beast.
DT: We'll be back right after this! It's Kin Hiroshi and Sebastian Dodd....NEXT!!
[Cut to a commercial for Johnson Famished Man dinner commercials, featuring Beast and the new Big Meat Loafy meal.]
NEXT