DT: Well, our next match certainly features two people with no love lost for each other.
MN: Well, that’s true, but only an amnesiac like John Doe wouldn’t love someone the caliber of Big Daddy English.
DM: Well, Doe’s definitely gonna have something to prove here. Two weeks ago, he got his butt thoroughly kicked by Christian Sands. Last week, while his showing was a little better, he still was pretty much shown up by the newcomer, JA. I wouldn’t be surprised to see him come out here a little more motivated, especially against someone who challenged so closely for the World Championship a few weeks back.
DT: Wow that was some pretty good analysis there, Dean.
DM: Thank you, Dave. BABA BOOEY BABA BOOEY HOWARD STERN’S PENIS BABA BOOEY!
MN: You had to open your mouth, didn’t you?
DM: Hey, at least I’m not making those stupid McGreevey jokes.
MN: You liked them though!
DM: Yeah, the first time you used them.
DT: Alright, will you two stop being idiots momentarily? Also, this match is falls count anywhere.
[Cue up “Lose Yourself” by Eminem. Out comes Adam Benjamin.]
DT: “Yours Truly” comes out and he’s looking as confident as... holy crap! Look out!
DM: It’s John Doe!
MN: That shifty little bastard!
DT: Doe’s attacked Benjamin from behind! Club to the back of the head, Benjamin stumbles forward. Doe runs up and grabs Benjamin and throws him into the guardrail!
DM: Wow! This little kid’s bringin’ down the house early!
MN: Sneak! Sneak! Arrest him!
DT: Benjamin’s up and he’s holding his head. I don’t see any blood, but here comes Doe again! He’s charging in, but Benjamin nails him with a lariat!
DM: Damn, has the match even started yet?
DT: I think the ref just called for the bell now. He’s not waiting for them to get to the ring. Doe gets up, Benjamin BIG RIGHT HAND to Doe’s face. He runs in with a clothesline, Doe back to the ground again.
DM: I think Benjamin’s pissed, no?
MN: What do you think? Big Daddy English is a house on fire!
DT: Doe to his feet again, Benjamin right there to scoop him up, carry him over to the guardrail and... SNAKE EYES! Doe’s throat has to be CRUSHED! Benjamin covers...
One...
Two...
...No! Doe kicks out, and Benjamin picks him right back up. He’s got him in a front face lock and... OH MY CHRIST HE JUST HIT HIM WITH AVERTICAL SUPLEX ON THAT STEEL GUARD RAIL!
DM: Holy Christ, he’s out to prove something, even if it’s by him breaking Doe’s back. I’m surprised he’s even moving after that!
DT: Benjamin just takes him off the guard barrier and covers, this match is over...
Two...
DOE KICKS OUT!
MN: Performance enhancers!
DM: Either that, or Doe ain’t lying when he says he’s God.
DT: Benjamin is beside himself! He’s picking up Doe but... CHRIST! DOE JUST HIT HIM WITH A CHINBREAKER!
DM: I don’t know where that move came from, but wing-dong-ding-dong, that took Benjamin by surprise.
DT: Benjamin gets up and he’s pissed! He runs at Doe, Doe ducks and... drop toe hold! Benjamin just fell right on his face!
MN: Oh man, this little shrimp either got some good training from Troy Douglas, or he’s doping his blood. I opt for the latter!
DT: I doubt it. This guy survived amnesia, I’m betting his threshold for pain is through the roof, and he’s back up again. Benjamin too, and Doe comes right up behind him and hits him with a big bulldog! They went behind the curtains and are now backstage around the MGM Grand!
DM: I hope they don’t make it into the casino and screw up my favorite blackjack table.
DT: Doe picks up Benjamin and... oh man, low blow! Benjamin just hit him in the groin! Disqualify him!
MN: Why? It was a perfectly legal move!
DT: No it’s not. It’s falls count anywhere, not hardcore rules!
MN: Quit your whining. He hit him in the inner thigh.
DM: INNER THIGH~!
DT: Doe is doubled over and Benjamin hits him with a DDT! He covers...
One...
Two...
Thr... NO! Doe kicks out! Where’s he getting it from?
DM: Prayers and vitamins?
MN: A-ha! Vitamins!
DT: Shut up! Benjamin’s got him by the head and slams him HARD into the wall! Doe’s busted open! Benjamin’s not done yet though, he’s tossing him into the men’s room!
DM: BATHROOM ANTICS~!
DT: Indeed, he’s throwing him around into a stall, got him by the head and he’s... oh no...
DM: SWIRLY TIME~!
MN: Hah, Doe’s back in high school!
DT: This is a dark day for wrestling everywhere, but Benjamin’s not done yet, grabbing Doe, whips him into the sink... OUCH! Cover on the bathroom floor...
One...
Two...
NO! Doe’s more absorbent than a bathroom sponge! Benjamin picks him up and tosses him out of the bathroom.
MN: Hey, Big Daddy English, leave him in there, I gotta go take a Big Loafy later.
DT: Will you shut up? Yours Truly’s got Doe by the head, puts his head underneath Doe’s pit and... Northern Light suplex into a bridge...
One...
Two...
NO! Doe kicks out again!
DM: Great move by Benjamin, but what resolve by Doe. This kid may not be an offensive powerhouse yet, but boy can he take a beatin’.
DT: Benjamin’s picking him up, but... OH MY GOD! Doe’s got a hold of him! He just drove him into that garage door! Benjamin’s staggering, Doe takes a step back and... he’s going for the Amnesia Attack but... NO! Benjamin counters with a lariat!
MN: Just die Doe!
DM: That’s not nice there. Funny, but not nice!
DT: Well funny or not, I think we can agree that John Doe is putting up a hell of a fight, even if he’s not putting up a whole lot of... oh my! Doe just hit him with a drop toe hold! How much does this kid have left! He’s crawling over to Benjamin and... RINGS OF SATURN!
DM: This kid is showing a lot of tenacity... like Tenacious D!
MN: YOU BLASPHEMER!
DM: Hey, to me, this kid’s Wonder Boy.
DT: He’s got that hold locked in! But Benjamin’s trying to get up. There’s no ropes for him to break the hold, he’s gotta power his way out of it and... I can’t believe it! He’s up! He’s up! He’s got Doe draped over his shoulders and... DEATH VALLEY DRIVER! THIS MATCH HAS TO BE OVER...
One...
Two...
Thr... NO! NO! NO! I THOUGHT YOURS TRULY HAD THIS MATCH WON!
DM: I’m amazed to.
MN: Come on ref, stop counting so slow! Big Daddy English deserves better!
DT: That count was just fine, and now Benjamin’s got him up. He’s got him against the garage door and Benjamin’s running in for another lariat, but... OH MY! DOE DUCKED AND BENJAMIN JUST CRASHED INTO THE GARAGE DOOR! Benjamin stumbles back and Doe rolls him up...
One...
Two...
THREE! THREE! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! JOHN DOE JUST PULLED THE MATCH OUT OF HIS REAR END!
[*ding ding ding*]
Tony Fatora: Your winner by pinfall...
JOHN DOOOOOOOOEEEE!
MN: Fast count! Big Daddy English was robbed!
DM: Robbed my ass, Neely, Doe is a scrapper!
DT: I can’t believe what I just saw. John Doe with a certifiable upset... oh man, that was intense.
[The camera picks up a shot of John Doe, who is visibly shocked. Doe tries to feign that he expected the win, but the surprise is obvious. Benjamin, for his part wears a similar shocked expression.]
[CUT TO: Backstage, we see Dan Ryan exiting his office and starting down the hall when he hears a voice from behind him.]
Voice: Hey boss!!
[Ryan turns around to see Troy Douglas approaching. Ryan turns and stops, awaiting Douglas who stops a few feet away.]
TD: I just wanted to get the chance to thank you for the oppurtunity to do my thing around here. It's nice to know someone from the old stomping grounds is letting my spread my wings and fly.
DR: Well, you know it's all about how hard you want to work. I just present an oppurtunity, it's up to you to take it - and I must say, you've been doing a fine job, Troy. A fine job.
TD: Thanks, boss. And thanks for the shot at the World Title as well. I won't let you down.
DR: You'll do fine.
[Ryan starts to walk away, then stops short.]
DR: Wait, the World Title shot? I thought I told you, I'm giving it to someone else.
TD: WHAT?? WHY??
[Ryan wraps an arm around Douglas' shoulder and starts to walk with him down the hall.]
DR: Well, you've been less than dependable lately and I just can't have you mucking up my main event now can I?
TD: But I won the number one contender's match!! I earned it fair and square!
DR: Yeah, you did. Good times....good times...Instead, I'm gonna book you against Cross in his debut. Might wanna adjust your training regimen.
[Douglas' jaw drops in shock.]
DR: So yeah, I'm gonna go now. Nice chattin' with ya, Troy.
[Ryan turns and walks away down the hallway, leaving Douglas standing dumbfounded.]
[Cut to a commercial hyping up EPW Wrestleverse.]