DM: And it's an Adam Benjamin match besides, which means money! Woot! Benjamin's been down on his luck lately, but anyone saying this guy can't get it done in the ring is out of his mind. Benjamin's right on the verge of breaking out.
MN: Big! Daddy! English! Wootwoot! That guy's a contender.
DT: Adam Benjamin has proven himself to be EPW's most consistent and dedicated competitor in my eyes. Yet his opponent tonight is something of a dark horse in Golem, a man who has proven himself as a singles competitor outside EPW but has until now tagged exclusively with his partner X-Ecutioner.
MN: Oh, the furry freak, huh? That claw is still creepy. Isn't it illegal?
DT: Well, considering it's part of his body, I don't see how we can ban him from using it. That'd be like telling everyone they can't use their hands.
DM: Now THAT would make for an interesting twist. Leg wrestling.
DT: Let's take it to the stage, where Empire Girl Miyoko is standing by with the Russian Roulette Wheel of Doom!
[Cue up: "Hurt" - Nine Inch Nails. The crowd boos as the green-furred Golem creeps out onto the stage, stopping in front of the wheel at the top of the ramp. He curls his claw towards Miyoko, who's exchanged her skimpy garb for a smooth black kimono. The girl shudders in disgust.]
TIFFANY MARAIS: The following contest is a Russian Roulette quarterfinal match! Introducing first, from Death Valley, California, weighing two hundred thirty eight pounds - Golem!
[Cue up: "Lose Yourself" - Eminem. The crowd erupts into a mixture of face and heel heat as Adam Benjamin strides out onto the ramp, a spark of determination flickering in his eyes. He stands near the wheel, staring a hole through Golem.]
TIFFANY MARAIS: And his opponent, from the United Kingdom, weighing two hundred and forty-five pounds - Adam! BENjamin!
DT: You can see the focus in Adam Benjamin's eyes as he approaches the wheel and spins.
[Smirking, Benjamin grabs the edge of the wheel, pushing it forcefully into a rapid spin. The wheel turns and turns and turns. Finally it begins to slow, ultimately stopping on a marker:]
SUBMISSION MATCH
[CROWD: *POP!*]
DM: Oh, DAG! What a stroke of luck for Benjamin! A submission match puts him RIGHT in his element!
MN: Golem's screwed!
DT: This spin definitely swings the odds in favor of Yours Truly.
[A scowl etches Golem's face as he steps forward, taking the wheel. He jerks it into a hard spin. The wheel whirls for a moment before slowing, then stopping on...]
X (BANG, YOU'RE DEAD!)
DT: OH! And in the very first match of the tournament Golem gets the black marker! Golem's out of the tournament automatically!
DM: That's the risk! He agreed to it when he signed on!
[In frustration, Golem pounds the wheel even as the bell rings.]
TIFFANY MARAIS: Here is your winner by virtue of Golem's self-elimination... Adam! BENjamiN!
DT: What a bad break for Golem. We could've seen him emerge as a dark-horse contender, but the wheel just didn't turn in his favor - hey, Benjamin's got a mic!
[Indeed, Benjamin has produced a microphone from somewhere. He clears his throat.]
BENJAMIN: Now hold on a bleedin' minute 'ere, mate. I came here for a match tonight. Now I don't know about the rest of you, but I say this here is bloody pants that I don't get to ply my trade thanks to this dim green nancy boy. Now I rolled for a submission match, see, and I am not leaving this stage, you sodding green duffer, until you tap the bloody hell out!
DT: Golem doesn't seem to know what to say - but Benjamin KICKS HIM RIGHT IN THE GUT!
MN: Oh! Benji's PISSED!
DM: I would be too!
DT: Benjamin setting Golem up in the headscissors - Oh my God, NOT THIS - NO!!! PILEDRIVER!!! GOLEM DRIVEN HEADFIRST INTO THAT - THAT STEEL RAMPWAY!!!
DM: OW OW OW OW! THAT COULD BREAK A NECK EASILY!
DT: Golem is down and out - AND BENJAMIN NOW APPLYING THE CURE, AND GOLEM IS SCREAMING FOR HIS LIFE! THIS CROWD IS GOING CRAZY!!!
MN: HE'S TAPPING!!!
DT: GOLEM'S TAPPING OUT BUT BENJAMIN'S NOT LETTING GO!!! HE'S KEEPING THAT BRUTAL HOLD LOCKED IN!
DM: Benjamin's on a freakin' RAMPAGE! This is crazy!
MN: Here come our boys in white!
DT: EPW Security on the scene pulling Benjamin off of Golem - but what a statement by Adam Benjamin! Even without the benefit of a bell he made Golem submit without breaking a sweat!
DM: That's the Benji Touch. Once he gets his hands on you, it's OVER.
DT: Indeed.
DT: A lot of attention has been focused on this next match. Priest has made quite a splash here in Empire Pro Wrestling thus far, but he's up against a complete unknown in the man who has identified himself as Dis.
MN: YOU DISSIN' ME, BURGERMAN?!?!
DM: MIKE! Shut up! Read Dante's Inferno please kaythanks lol.
MN: ...Tell me you're not speaking AOL.
DM: Rofflemao dude A-S-L please. Lollerskates. Tee-tee-why-ell.
MN: My head just exploded.
DT: Good.
MN: You're not helping, Burgerboy.
DT: Can we just cut to ringside, please?
[On cue, we cut to ringside, where Miyoko is resetting the Wheel of Doom. Cue up: "I Am The Bullgod" - Kid Rock. With his jaw set, Priest walks slowly out to the wheel, glaring at the object.]
TIFFANY MARAIS: The following contest is a Russian Roulette quarterfinal match! Introducing first, from Detroit Rock City, weighing two hundred and forty-eight pounds... Puh-RIEST!
[There is silence for a long moment. Cue up: "Hallowed Be Thy Name" - Iron Maiden. Fog spews from the entrance ramp as a tall figure in concealing clothing steps forth. The man is lean for his height, his face hidden by a black mask, a black dress shirt and track pants draped across his supple frame. Slowly the figure stalks to the wheel, the mask swiveling to gaze balefully at Priest.]
TIFFANY MARAIS: And his opponent, from Wisdom, Montana, weighing two hundred and two pounds - Dis!
MN: Wow. That guy's tall.
DT: Just from one look at him, you can tell he's quick but strong. He's got a leverage advantage but he's lean enough to still be very, very fast. I would NOT want to wrestle that guy in a straight match.
[The two men stand on either side of the wheel, staring at each other. It is Priest who moves first, smirking softly as he gives the wheel a spin. The wheel turns a few times before slowing, settling on a tag...]
FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE
DM: Ooh, nice.
[For his part, Dis seems unmoved. The tall figure steps up to the wheel and spins it hard. It whirls around before steadily slowing, slowing, slowing, before finally stopping on...]
SUBMISSION MATCH
MN: Ooh. Two matches in a row.
DT: Now THAT'S a stipulation you don't see every day. A falls count anywhere submission match - the first of its kind on this circuit, I believe.
DM: The second. There was a triple threat falls-count-anywhere submission match in MCW between Adam Benjamin, Sean Edmunds, and Theo, back when A-Benj was World's Champion.
DT: Well, this should make for an interesting match indeed - BECAUSE PRIEST IS GETTING A HEADSTART BY SLUGGING DIS IN THE FACE!
[SFX: *DING* - Bell rings.]
DT: Priest slugging away at Dis with meaty right hands, pressing his weight advantage here. Dis has six inches of height, but Priest has about forty-five more pounds of heft in his favor.
DM: Priest is gonna have to be like a pit bull here. If he can get in there and hammer at Dis relentlessly, Dis won't be able to use his speed.
MN: So can we call Priest Pugsy?
DM: ...I hate you. With all my heart.
DT: Priest hammering away fiercely on Dis, backing him up against the stage... the heavier man with a shoulder to the gut of Dis! And there's the SNAPMARE onto the steel!
MN: Landed on his butt! Haha!
DT: Now Priest with the headlock on Dis - Slugging at the side of the head - AND NOW TRYING TO TEAR DIS' MASK OFF!!
DM: Dis is fighting him off!
DT: The masked man fighting back with fists to the face of Priest, and Priest stumbling back! Both men up... Priest looks for a clothesline... DIS MONKEY-FLIPS HIM OFF THE EDGE OF THE STAGE INTO THE PRODUCTION EQUIPMENT EIGHT FEET BELOW!!!
MN: AAAAAH!!! CRAZY!!!
DM: Holy SMOKES! Priest got DUMPED!
DT: Wait! Dis standing at the edge of the stage - SWANTON BOMB!!! SWANTON OFF THE STAGE AND ONTO PRIEST DOWN BELOW! What a daredevil this man is!
DM: This guy's dangerous, Dave Thomas! Look at how willing he is to put his body on the line for the sake of damaging his opponent!
DT: Dis is the first to his feet, pulling Priest up by the hair, and it looks like Priest is holding those ribs - and Dis goes right to the weak spot with a knee to the sternum! Priest doubled over here, and Dis hammers him with clubbing blows to the back. Picks him up - BODY SLAM into the rubble!
MN: Priest just got Dissed!
DT/DM: *groan*
MN: What?
DT: It seems Priest is in dire straits already here, folks. Dis with the big knee drop to the ribs of Priest, and the heavier man shouts in pain and rolls away! No use, though - Dis like a rabid dog here, tails right after Priest and brings him to his feet, and there's the vertical suplex from the masked wrestler!
DM: Look at how Dis works over those ribs, Dave Thomas. He saw Priest hurt himself on that fall to the equipment, he saw it and he took advantage. This guy has got to be a veteran - he's got a good handle on psychology.
MN: Plus he wears black. Black rules.
DM: Michael. Silence.
MN: *whimper*
DT: Now Dis cradling the head of Priest, bringing him to his feet. Grabs the arm... Irish whip towards the side of the stage - Priest reverses, and Dis eats the steel face-first!
MN: Ooooh! That's gonna hurt in the morning!
DT: Dis staggers back, and Priest is waiting for him - GERMAN SUPLEX INTO THE WRECKAGE, AND DIS IS REELING!
DM: But Priest looks like he hurt himself on that suplex, too!
DT: You can see Priest holding his ribs as he comes to his feet, stomping away at the right leg of Dis. Down to the floor... Kneebar to Dis, and the masked man is writhing in pain!
MN: Pugsy's got him!
DM: But Dis isn't screaming or anything! This guy's discipline is IRON! At most you can hear him grunting or growling, but he's keeping any instinctive reactions bottled up. It's gonna take a lot to make this guy submit, Dave Thomas.
DT: You know, you're right, Dean! This Dis strikes me as someone who's been at this for a long time and who knows how to avoid defeat. He's fighting against Priest's hold... And he rolls onto his back and scissors his legs around Priest's waist in a modified triangle hold!
DM: Oooooooh. Mixed martial arts action. This guy's good.
MN: Is that even a hold?
DM: It is now.
DT: Priest struggling to get out of the hold, but Dis... releases him? Now grabs him by the hair... modified reverse DDT by Dis, driving Priest's back into his knee!
DM: Very chic. I like this Dis. He's got his act together.
DT: Dis taking Priest by the hair now, not letting up for a moment. The Irish whip - Sends Priest over the guardrail and into the fans! Now Dis charging - BOOSTS OVER THE GUARDRAIL WITH A HILO ONTO PRIEST!!!
[CROWD: "DIS DIS DIS DIS DIS DIS DIS DIS"]
MN: Hoo-wah! That was slick like nobody's business!
DM: This guy is gold. Pure gold.
DT: Looks like Dis is in control here, leading Priest through the crowd to the concession area, slugging him occasionally to keep him stunned... and now WHIPPING HIM INTO A CHILI DOG STAND! Priest spills over the counter!
MN: Oof! Priest's getting his butt handed to him!
DT: Like a shark smelling blood Dis moves in again... AND GETS SQUIRTED IN THE FACE! THE MUSTARD! THE MUSTARD! PRIEST WITH THE MUSTARD TO THE FACE OF DIS!
MN: YyyeeeeeeeeeeUCK!
DM: Mask or no mask, that crap got into Dis' eyeholes!
DT: Dis staggering back, trying to scrub the mustard out of his eyes - BUT PRIEST NAILS HIM WITH A HUGE SPEAR! Now the man from Detroit Rock City hammering at the mustard-smeared face of Dis!
DM: There he goes - pitbulling! He's getting in there and just pummeling the hell out of Dis!
DT: Those big meaty right hands to the face of Dis - now Priest up, bringing Dis with him - Sets him up, and - MY GOD, THE ROUNDABOUT DDT ONTO THE TILE FLOOR!!!
MN: OOOOOGH! Ow!
DM: THE TILE CRACKED!
MN: Now THAT'S impact!
DT: This could be all over for Dis here, folks! Priest to his feet - and look at him pointing and laughing at Dis! What a pompous fool!
MN: Pugsy's gettin' his yuks tonight, eh.
DT: Priest in again, bringing Dis to his feet... locks in the big dragon sleeper, and it looks like it could be all over!
DM: I don't know if Dis can last like this. Priest really did a number on him with that Roundabout on the tile.
MN: Dis be all done, yo!
DT: Looks like Dis is limp - Wait - Dis hooks his arm around Priest's waist - FLIPS HIMSELF AROUND - NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX FROM DIS TO PRIEST! WHAT IMPACT!
DM: HOLY CRAP! THAT COUNTER WAS NUTSO!
MN: WHOA NELLY!
DT: Dis is in the driver's seat again! Boosts Priest up - CANADIAN BACKBREAKER! He's got Priest locked in that over-the-shoulder submission, and Priest is screaming in pain!
DM: It's DONE! Priest's ribs and back are being torn apart by this hold!
MN: Priest ain't tapping!
DT: Priest is holding on - BUT DIS JUMPS AND JARS PRIEST'S BODY DOWN AGAINST HIS SHOULDER! AND AGAIN! AND AGAIN, AND PRIEST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! HE'S TAPPING OUT!!! PRIEST TAPS OUT!!!
[SFX: *DING*]
TIFFANY MARAIS: Here is your winner... Dis!
DT: What a debut for Dis here tonight, as he takes out Priest in one hell of a contest.
DM: This guy shows promise, Dave. I wouldn't be surprised to see him make the finals. He's got the tools, man.
MN: He's crazy!
DT: We've got to take a short break, but when we come back it'll be Pulsar and John Doe going head to head. That's next!
[Cut to a commercial for the new George Bush and John Kerry Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots - only from Acme.]