TONY FATORA: Th' following contest is a semifinal match of the Russian Roulette Tournament!

[Cue up: "South Of Heaven" - Slayer. The crowd boos thunderously as Clapper stalks out onto the ramp, heading for the Russian Roulette wheel.]

TONY FATORA: Introducing first... Hailing from the Chicago, Illinois area... He weighs in at two hundred and fifty eight pounds... He isss the man known aasss CLLLLLLAPPERRRRRRRRRR!!!

[Cue up: "Kashmir" - Led Zeppelin. The crowd's reaction is positive but slightly muted as Troy Douglas makes his way to the wheel.]

TONY FATORA: And his opponent... He hails from Greensboro, North Carolina... He weighs in at two hundred and sixty pounds... He isssss TRRRROOOOOYYYY... DOOOOOOUGLAAAAAASSSSSS!!!

DT: The response to Troy Douglas seems a bit quieter this evening, guys.

DM: What the hell do you expect, Dave Thomas? This is a guy who's been in a huge rut lately. He swings back and forth. He'll be really hot one month then just die down out of nowhere. It makes it hard to have faith in him.

MN: Megatron needs energon to live!

[Clapper steps forward and takes ahold of the wheel, giving it a hard spin. It turns for a moment before coming to rest on...]

BARBED-WIRE ROPES

DT: OUCH!

DM: ...Okay, this is going to be painful.

MN: I hope they don't draw First Blood, 'cause it'd be the fastest match in history!

[As the ring attendants begin to rig up the barbed-wire ropes, Douglas steps up the wheel. He huffs once and gives it a spin. After a few rotations the wheel halts on...]

SPECIAL REFEREE

DM: When did we put THAT on there?

DT: I have no idea how THAT got on there... but it looks like we'll have a special referee! Douglas and Clapper heading to the ring as Empire Girl Miyoko pulls out a hat...

[The two wrestlers step into the ring. Miyoko steps up to ringside a moment later to confer with Tony Fatora, drawing a slip of paper from the hat.]

TONY FATORA: Ladies and gentlemen, introducing our special referee... JOOOOOOOHN... DOOOOOOOOE!!!

DT: WHAT?!?!

[Cue up: "Hypocritical" - Methods of Mayhem. Pushing through the curtains, a wickedly grinning John Doe emerges and prowls down to the ring, clad in a referee-striped trenchcoat with a big 'MAD REF' spraypainted on the back in red.]

DM: This is BAD for Troy Douglas, man! John Doe's more likely to beat his ass than call the match down the middle, especially with the inferno match coming up at Russian Roulette!

MN: I think Doe's graduating from gnome to dwarf. Nice coat.

[SFX: *DING* - Bell rings.]

DT: Clapper and Douglas circling as Doe looks on... Clapper forward with the big right hand, which Douglas blocks - punch by Douglas - what the hell, John Doe breaks it up and chastises Douglas for using a closed fist!

DM: He does have a point, Dave Thomas.

MN: Come on! EVERYONE uses a closed fist!

DT: You can tell Douglas isn't happy as he storms past Doe - INTO A HUGE RIGHT HOOK FROM CLAPPER, bringing Douglas to a knee!

DM: ...That was a closed fist and Doe didn't do anything.

DT: Right from the get-go it seems Doe's refereeing may be a little suspect. Clapper with another big right to Douglas... Whips him into the ropes and DOUGLAS' BACK RAKES ACROSS THE BARBED WIRE! DOUGLAS CRIES OUT IN PAIN, BUT CLAPPER SWEEPS HIM INTO A BODY SLAM!

MN: Ow! Megatron got raked!

DM: Look at the little cuts on his back now!

DT: Douglas climbing to his feet, holding his back... elbow smash by Clapper, and there's the big knee lift to the sternum as the big man systematically takes Troy Douglas apart!

DM: Clapper definitely has the advantage in this environment, Dave Thomas. Not only is Clapper MADE for this sort of brutal, hardcore brawling, he's got John Doe's bias on his side. This looks very bad for Troy Douglas.

DT: It does indeed, Dean. Clapper slips Douglas into a front facelock... BRINGS HIM UP FOR A SUPLEX... BUT DROPS HIM GUT-FIRST ON THE TOP ROPE AND TROY DOUGLAS IS SCREAMING IN AGONY!!! MY GOD, WHAT A BRUTAL MOVE BY CLAPPER!!!

DM: He's KILLING him!

MN: Megatron's a bloody mess already! Clapper's not letting up!

DT: Now Clapper pulling Douglas up again... SUPLEX from the rope to the canvas! There's the cover by the big man! Onetwokickout and MY GOD that was a fast count by John Doe!

MN: Oooooh, biased ref action.

DT: Clapper doesn't seem to care as he pulls Douglas up again... There's the Irish whip but Douglas won't budge! Clapper tries again - DOUGLAS PULLS HIM IN AND HITS THE SHORT ARM CLOTHESLINE - and there's John Doe telling him not to use a closed fist!

DM: ...It was a clothesline.

MN: Ha! I'm actually loving John Doe here!

DT: Douglas does NOT look happy as he pulls Clapper to his feet... Whips him into the corner and hits the body splash - and Doe's immediately calling for the break! Douglas grudgingly lets Clapper out... then pushes him BACK FIRST INTO THE ROPES, AND NOW CLAPPER'S BLEEDING TOO!!

DM: And wouldn't you know it, Doe's calling for a rope break.

DT: Dammit, this isn't right! Douglas being forced to step back here... Clapper stumbles off the ropes and DOUGLAS WITH THE BIG POWERSLAM! THE COVER... One... ... ... ... ...Kickout by Clapper off the slowest count I have seen in my LIFE!

MN: HAW! The bias is AWESOME! Doe wins an internet!

DM: ...AN internet?

MN: Well, there are many internets! George Bush said so!

DM: You make an excellent point.

DT: This is NOT sitting well with Douglas, and he's yelling at Doe about it - And Doe's threatening to disqualify Douglas for questioning his authority! Dammit, this isn't right!

MN: That's what Douglas gets for questioning the man!

DT: Douglas yelling at Doe some more - CLAPPER WITH THE SCHOOLBOY! ONE....TWO....THREE.......NO DOUGLAS KICKS OUT IN THE NICK OF TIME! Dammit, these counts are too fast!

DM: I think Douglas is screwed here, Dave.

DT: This is NOT right at all! Both men to their feet - Clapper with the big forearm to the face of Douglas... whips him into the corner, catches him on the way out... MY GOD, FLAPJACK ACROSS THE TOP ROPE, AND DOUGLAS' CHEST IS JUST DRIPPING BLOOD!!! STAGGERS BACK - PUNCH TO THE KIDNEY BY CLAPPER, AND DOUGLAS IS ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES! Now... oh God, no!

DM: This is sick!

DT: CLAPPER RESTING DOUGLAS' THROAT ON THE BOTTOM ROPE... GETS ON THE APRON... RUNS AND LEGDROPS DOUGLAS' HEAD, AND DOUGLAS' THROAT DIGS INTO THAT BOTTOM ROPE!!! MY GOD, THIS IS SICK!!! HE COULD'VE CUT DOUGLAS' THROAT WIDE OPEN!!!

MN: WOOOO! Clapper is AWESOME! This guy's crazy brutal!

DM: I don't know how Douglas can beat this guy against these odds.

DT: Douglas is CONVULSING in the ring now - Clapper just YANKS him to his feet and slugs him right in the throat, stunning him! Douglas clutching his throat in agony, but Clapper just kicks him in the side of the head!

DM: I think it's over for Douglas.

DT: You could very well be right, Dean... Clapper now kicking Douglas into the corner and stomping a MUDHOLE in him, and Doe isn't even TRYING to stop it! He's just mocking a few fans in the front row!

MN: I'm LOVING Doe, man! I take back all the gnome cracks! I'm SOLD!

DM: Jeez, man. This is, like, a massacre or something. Someone needs to stop this.

DT: The grin on Clapper's face tells the story as he picks Douglas up by the neck... RAKES HIS BACK ACROSS THE ROPES AND DOUGLAS IS IN A WORLD OF PAIN!!! Now Clapper setting Douglas up for the body slam - WAIT ROLL THROUGH BY DOUGLAS INTO AN INSIDE CRADLE - DOE'S NOT COUNTING!!! HE SAYS DOUGLAS IS GRABBING CLAPPER'S TIGHTS!!!

DM: BULL! Douglas isn't grabbing the tights at ALL!

MN: Now now, Dean. I'd trust Doe's eyesight on this one.

DM: I wouldn't trust Doe any farther than I can throw him.

DT: Douglas getting RIGHT UP IN DOE'S FACE NOW AND JUST SCREAMING AT HIM - DOE SLAPS HIM ACROSS THE FACE!! Douglas does NOT look happy - AND HE TAKES DOE DOWN WITH THE BELLY-TO-BELLY SUPLEX!! CLAPPER'S UP - CLOTHESLINE BY DOUGLAS!! ANOTHER ONE! BODY SLAM TO CLAPPER, and Clapper's rolling outside to regroup! Douglas eyeing Doe now... FLIPS HIM OVER!!! SHARPSHOOTER!!! SHARPSHOOTER!!! DOUGLAS LOCKS THE SHARPSHOOTER ON THE SPECIAL REFEREE AND DOE IS SCREAMING FOR HIS LIFE!!!

DM: YES!!! KICK HIS BITCH ASS, TROY!!! SHOW HIM WHO'S BOSS!!!

MN: DISQUALIFY HIM!!! DQ! DQ! THIS IS ILLEGAL!!!

DT: DOE'S REACHING FOR THE ROPES - GRABS THE BOTTOM ROPE - AND PULLS HIS BLOODY HAND BACK IN PAIN AS HE GETS A FISTFUL OF BARBED WIRE!!! DOUGLAS IS WRENCHING THAT HOLD IN -

[SFX: *DING*]

DT: OH MY GOD!!! CLAPPER JUST NAILED DOUGLAS IN THE FACE WITH THE TIMEKEEPER'S BELL!!! DOUGLAS IS OUT OF IT, AND CLAPPER COVERS - DOE'S TOO HURT TO MAKE THE COUNT!!!

DM: HAW!!! I LOVE IT!!!

DT: Here comes referee Gardell from the back! Slides in! The count!

ONE!!

TWO!!

...MY GOD, TROY DOUGLAS KICKS OUT!!!

[CROWD: *HUGE POP!!!*]

MN: NO WAY!! HE TOOK A BELL TO THE FACE!!

DM: GOD! Douglas is CRAZY resilient!

DT: A frustrated Clapper pulling Douglas to his feet... DOUGLAS LOCKS HIS ARMS AROUND CLAPPER'S WAIST AND POWERS HIM INTO THE ROPES BACK-FIRST!!! CLAPPER SCREAMS IN PAIN AS THE BARBED-WIRE GOUGES INTO HIS SKIN!!

DM: This is SICK! It's like an all-out war in there!

DT: Now Douglas pushing Clapper into the corner! BOOSTS HIM UP!!! HE'S GOING FOR IT - YES!!! END OF THE ROAD!!! END OF THE ROAD!!! THE COVER!!!

ONE!!!

 
TWO!!!

NO!!! JOHN DOE JUST ELBOW-DROPPED REFEREE GARDELL!!!

DM: I THOUGHT DOE WAS OUT!!!

DT: DOUGLAS TO HIS FEET - DOE WITH THE LOW BLOW!!! DOUGLAS STAGGERS BACK - CLAPPER SNAPS HIM UP INTO THE BLACK NOOSE WHILE DOE KICKS DOUGLAS IN THE FACE REPEATEDLY!!! DAMMIT, THIS IS WRONG!!!

MN: HA!!! DOUGLAS IS DONE!!!

DM: CHEAP!!! CHEAP!!!

DT: DOUGLAS HAS NO CHOICE - HE'S TAPPING OUT!!! THE BELL'S RINGING BUT CLAPPER AND DOE AREN'T LETTING UP!!!

[SFX: *DING* - Bell rings.]

TONY FATORA: Here is your winner, advancing to the finals of the tournament... CLLLLLLLAPPERRRRRRRR!!!!

DT: CLAPPER ADVANCES IN THE TOURNAMENT BUT THESE TWO ARE JUST LAYING INTO TROY DOUGLAS!!!

DM: Here come the troops!

DT: Sure enough security has come pouring out from backstage and finally have managed to get these two off of Troy Douglas!! Look at John Doe.....OHHH....and he just spits in his former mentor's face!!

MN: Hey, it's not Douglas' fault that John Doe hasn't done any better than he has.

DT: My God, this is just... just disgraceful. We've got to take a break. Just revolting.

[Cut to a commercial for Weed Man lawn moders.]