TONY FATORA: Th' following contest is scheduled for one fall!
[Cue up: "Dark Machine" - Paul Oakenfold as the lights plunge down. The fans begin to boo throatily as Christian Sands makes his way down the ramp and to his corner. He brushes them off casually and stretches.]
TONY FATORA: Introducing first... He hails from Barrie, Ontario, Canada... He weighs in at two hundred and seventy pounds... Thissss... isss CHRRRRRISTIAAAAANNNNN... SAAAAAANNNDSSSSS!!!
DT: It's been a little while since we last saw Christian Sands in singles action, but tonight he's going back to his roots against one of the brightest up-and-comers in EPW today.
DM: Dave, this is gonna be a huge match for JA the Anglo Luchador. He's got the chance to show the world what he's got against the first EPW World's Champion.
[Cue up: "Eat The Rich" - Fozzy. A wave of cheers and pops follows JA as the masked wrestler strides down to the ring, vaulting in over the rope and playing to the fans. The people respond amicably, cheering and screaming.]
TONY FATORA: And his opponent! He hails from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania! He weighs in at just shy of two hundred and sixteen pounds! Thissss... iss JAAAAAAAAAAY... AAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!
MN: You know, I think JA really stands for Jumping Astronaut.
DM: ...That was so completely nonsensical, Michael Neely, that I am tempted to hit you in the face.
MN: I'm hurt.
DT: What an opportunity this is for JA here tonight, to show the world that he can compete at a main event level here in EPW. But he's got a pretty tall task here tonight against Sands.
DM: Christian Sands has taken down some of the biggest men in this industry, Dave Thomas - and the LAST up and comer who tried to get in his face, John Doe, just got butchered by him. JA does NOT want to become a Doe.
[SFX: *DING* - bell rings.]
MN: Who WOULD want to be John Doe?
DT: Anyway, here we go. JA signalling for the collar-and-elbow tie-up. Moving in... There's the tie up but Sands just SWATS JA to his knees with a clubbing blow! Now he's stepping back and... waggling a finger at him!
DM: There's the cockiness of Sands, Dave Thomas. He's trying to get inside JA's head and throw him off his game.
MN: Shouldn't take much.
DT: JA up again... moving in for another tie-up... Sands with the go-behind into the hammerlock, but JA reverses, there's the arm wringer, Sands reverses and there's the headlock takeover - and he ruffles JA's hair, then backs off, gets up, and waggles the finger again!
DM: Oh MAN. JA does NOT look happy.
MN: How can you tell? He's wearing a mask!
DM: Body language.
MN: Sign language!
DT: Again JA up... moves in for another tie-up, and Sands immediately grabs the side headlock - WAIT WAIT WAIT JA BRINGS HIM UP AND HITS THE BACKDROP!! AND NOW IT'S JA WAGGLING THE FINGER!!!
DM: HA! Threw it right back in his face!
DT: You can just SEE Sands seething as he glares at JA. Coming to his feet, signalling for the test of strength... JA reaching for it... SANDS BOOTS HIM RIGHT IN THE GUT! Clubbing blows to the back of the head - Irish whip, and there's the clothesline, turning JA almost inside out!
MN: Ew! Then he'd be wearing his guts on the outside!
DT: That one hit pretty hard... JA's up again, but Sands just snags him in the front facelock. Up and over... BIG vertical suplex takes JA to the mat! Sands into the ropes and there's the elbow drop right to the sternum of the former IC Champion! The cover! One - TWO - no, JA kicks out.
DM: Sands won't put him away this early, but he's coming out the gate swinging anyway. JA pissed him off, and it shows - and Sands is really freakin' dangerous pissed off.
MN: I'll say! Remember when he choked out Beast with a T-shirt?
DT: I remember. Sands bringing JA up by the back of the mask... whips him into the corner, barrels in after him with a HUGE clothesline! Whips him across the ring again, and there's another clothesline in the corner! Now drawing back... BLISTERING CHOP TO THE CHEST OF JA!
[SFX: *SMACK*][CROWD: "WOO!"]
DT: Another one!
[SFX: *SMACK*][CROWD: "WOO!"]
DT: And another one!
[SFX: *SMACK*][CROWD: "WOO!"]
MN: Wow, those were like bullets!
DT: Now the big man reeling JA out of the corner by the arm... looking for the short arm clothesliiine but JA DUCKS THE ARM AND SCORES WITH THE GO-BEHIND AND THE GERMAN SUPLEX!!!
DM: OW! That was a really quick reversal and Sands didn't even see it coming!
DT: JA taking the offensive now... Sands coming to his feet, but JA jumps to the ropes and SAILS OFF WITH THE MISSILE DROPKICK, AND SANDS IS DOWN AGAIN! JA to the ropes again - hits the top turnbuckle and SCORES WITH THE MOONSAULT! THE COVER!
One -
TWO -
NO, kickout by Sands!
MN: He just THREW JA off him!
DM: Oh yeah, heee's pissed.
DT: Both men coming to their feet now... Sands just KICKS JA right in the gut before the Anglo Luchador can react! Sets him up, and there's the big neckbreaker, taking JA down! Hits the ropes looking for the rolling neck snap - JA DUCKS BACK AND SANDS GOES FLYING RIGHT OVER HIM TO HIT THE MAT ON HIS FACE! What a counter!
DM: I've NEVER seen anyone do that to Sands before!
DT: Sands up now, holding his jaw... ONLY FOR JA TO SUPERKICK HIM RIGHT UPSIDE THE CHIN! AND THERE'S THE COVER!!!
ONE!
TWO!
Sands gets the shoulder up!
MN: Man, that was pretty close...
DM: JA's getting in some good hits, but Sands is a tough son of a b*BEEP*. He can take the hits and get back up.
DT: JA now trying to keep the momentum going, driving the big right hands into the face of Christian Sands. Pulls the big man up... whips him into the ropes, and takes him down with the spinning headscissors, and this crowd loves it!
[CROWD: LET'S GO J-A LET'S GO *CLAP CLAP* LET'S GO J-A LET'S GO *CLAP CLAP*]
MN: What do they know! Sands will kill him!
DT: Now the Anglo Luchador moving in again. Brings Sands off the canvas, hooks him up, and there's the snap suplex! Hooks him up once more - another suplex! Now Sands staggering to his feet - JA onto the ropes, springboards off, dropkick but SANDS CATCHES HIM OVER HIS SHOULDER AND SPINS THROUGH FOR A POWERSLAM OUT OF NOWHERE!!!
DM: HOLY CRAP THAT WAS FRICKIN' RIDICULOUS!
MN: Man, JA just got NAILED!
DT: What a turnaround by Sands, who's now giving his head a good shake... down to the canvas, and he's locking in, um, some form of submission hold -
DM: That's a figure four neck lock, Dave Thomas, and a damned brutal one at that. Sands is just RIPPING JA's neck apart right now, and JA's definitely feeling it!
MN: SQUEAL PIGGEH SQUEAL!!!
DT: JA trying to wriggle out of the hold, but Sands' legs are squeezing too tightly around his head and neck... he's stopping JA from the top down here!
DM: I don't think JA's gonna be able to break this. Look - there he goes, trying to get to the ropes now. Smart man.
DT: This crowd is cheering JA on vigorously as he makes his way to the ropes! Reaching for them... HE'S GOT THE BOTTOM ROPE! Sands breaks - AND PULLS JA BACK INTO THE CENTER OF THE RING AND SLAPS IN THE GROUNDED DRAGON SLEEPER!
DM: JA's dead. Dead.
MN: Oh snap, I think this is gonna be it!
DT: JA's fighting against the hold, but Sands has got it locked in good and tight... wait wait wait pulling JA up and HITS THE REVERSE DDT! AND NOW HE'S GOT HIM IN THE SANDMAN'S CLUTCH AND THIS IS ALL BUT OVER!!!
DM: IT'S DONE!!! JA'S GONNA TAP!!!
MN: TAAAAAP! TAAAAAAAAAP!!!
DT: THIS DOESN'T LOOK GOOD FOR JA! HE'S GOT HIS ARM UP! HE'S GOING TO TAP!!
DM: HE'S GONNA - WHOA WHAT THE HELL??!
DT: WHA - I DON'T KNOW HOW BUT JA JUST REVERSED INTO A ROLLUP!!! ONE!!! TWO!!! NO!!! SANDS KICKS OUT AND HE IS JUST LIVID!!!
MN: HOW THE HELL DID JA GET OUT OF THE CLUTCH?!?! NOBODY'S EVER DONE IT LIKE THAT BEFORE!!!
DT: Sands pulling JA to his feet! HOOKING UP FOR A SUPLEX - UP - JA FLOATS THROUGH! SANDS SPINS AROUND! JA WITH THE BOOT! BRINGS HIM UP - MY GOD, THE KARELIN DRIVER!!! HE HIT SANDS WITH THE KARELIN DRIVER!!!
DM: NO WAY!!!
DT: THE COVER!!!
ONE!!!
TWOO!!!
THREEEEEE!!! MY GOD, JA HAS DONE IT! JA HAS DEFEATED CHRISTIAN SANDS CLEAN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING RIGHT HERE IN AUSTIN, TEXAS!!!
MN: WHAAAAAAAAAT?!?!
[SFX: *DING* - Bell rings.]
TONY FATORA: Here is your winnerrrr... JAAAAAAAAAAY... AAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!
DT: MY GOD, what a HUGE win tonight for JA over the first man to hold the EPW World Heavyweight Championship!
DM: I was NOT expecting that, Dave Thomas! I thought Sands had him, but JA took it to him and pulled out the win clean in the middle, one, two, three!
MN: Man! What a mindjob - hey what the?
[Cut to the ring, where JA is celebrating near the ropes. A scowling Sands storms up behind him and spins him brusquely around. The two men glare daggers at each other...]
[And slowly, reluctantly, Sands extends his right hand to JA.]
MN: DO IT, JA! DO IT!
DM: I dunno, Mike - I dunno if this is sportsmanship or a trick...
[The crowd shouts mixed opinions at JA, who looks first to the left, then to the right. He stares at Sands for a moment longer... finally reaching out to clasp the bigger man's hand. The two shake briskly, and Sands claps JA on the shoulder, offering a few words before slowly moving away.]
DT: What a great night this must be for JA, guys. Not only does he claim bragging rights for a completely clean victory over the first ever EPW World Champion, he also seems to have earned Sands' respect.
DM: Speaking as a man who knows Sands, that respect comes VERY grudgingly and to a select few.
MN: Maaaaaan... I can't believe JA did it. I thought he was done. This... aw.
DT: Folks, we've got another match for you going down right now... and it's the finals of the Russian Roulette tournament!
MN: WOOOOOOOOOOOO BLOODBATH!!!
[Cue up: "Hallowed Be Thy Name" - Iron Maiden. Parting the curtains with one arm, Dis stalks out onto the ramp to the loud mixture of crowd cheers and jeers. He tucks his hands into his pockets, approaching the Russian Roulette wheel - which is manned by Empire Girl Miyoko, as usual.]
TONY FATORA: Th' following contest is the final of the Russian Roulette tournament! Introducing first... DIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!
[Cue up: "South Of Heaven" - Slayer. The crowd boos thunderously as Clapper stalks out onto the ramp, heading for the Russian Roulette wheel.]
TONY FATORA: And his opponent... CLLLLLLLLAPPERRRRRRRRRRR!!!
DT: And it's Dis up to spin the wheel first...
[Taking ahold of the wheel, Dis tilts his head, then gives it a firm spin. It rotates rapidly before slowing and settling on...]
BRA AND PANTIES
MN: ...BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
DM: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
DT: *snicker* Oh, THIS should be interesting! Two men of this size in a bra and panties match!
[A scowling Clapper yells something at Miyoko, but Dis extends an arm between the big man and the girl, shaking his head. It is with a few choice curses that Clapper grabs the wheel, giving it a spin. It slows, then lands on...]
DT: OH! AND CLAPPER GETS THE BIG RED X, AND THAT MEANS HE'S AUTOMATICALLY OUT OF THE TOURNAMENT!!!
MN: OHHHHHHHHHHHHH SNAP!!!
DM: HE'S FURIOUS!!!
[SFX: *DINGDINGDING*]
TONY FATORA: Here is your winner by virtue of Clapper's self-elimination, THE WINNER OF THE FIRST ANNUAL RUSSIAN ROULETTE TOURNAMENT and THE number one contender to the WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP... DIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSS!!!
DT: What a break for Dis! Clapper spins himself out of contention - and he's being dragged offstage by security! Either way, it's Dis who will go on to Russian Roulette to face either Beast or Joey Melton for the title!
DM: Speaking of which, that's next!
MN: WOO! GO MELTON!
DT: Don't you DARE touch that dial!
[Cut to a commercial for Krap macaroni and raccoon.]