DT: We’re back again and I’ve gotta say, I didn’t expect Vladimir Vlachinko’s time here in EPW to be so short. DM: You think his was short, Jimmy Conrad no-showed his debut – and I don’t know that Mr. Ryan is the type to forgive that sort of thing so easily.

DT: Indeed he’s not. Well ladies and gent…..

[Cue up “Eat the Rich.” JA enters flanked by Bill Laimbeer.]

DT: What? JA’s not on my schedule right now. His match isn’t until later on.

DM: I think he requested some mic time.

MN: Yeah, and why should he of all people get it? He choked against Cross at Russian Roulette.

DM: Well aside from the fact that JA is one of Empire’s hottest superstars right now, we do only have five matches on the slate for tonight. That and I’m sure Freeman and Ryan just like spiting you.

DT: I know I do!

MN: Et tu, Schiavone-bot?

DT: Hey, you’ve done nothing but torture me since Aggression number one.

MN: Speaking of torture, JA’s in the ring with a microphone.

DM: Torture for you, but I think he’s amusing. Especially when he takes shots at you.

[JA taps on the microphone and looks out into the crowd.]

JA: Helloooooo Big Easy!

[Pop]

MN: That was cheap.

DM: Yeah, just like your whole arsenal of zingers when it comes to Beast.

MN: Leave Big Loafy out of this!

JA: Anyway, the last time you saw me in an Empire ring, I was scuffling and tussling with my friend and yours, Shawn Jessica Bubbles Hart.

[Boos]

JA: I’ll get to everyone’s favorite sexually confused superstar in a moment. First things first, I don’t know if y’all were watching the Empire Television Network before you came to the arena, but if you didn’t, you might wonder why I have this tall, mean-looking cracker behind me. Well folks, this is none other than legendary former Piston and Original Bad Boy himself, Bill Laimbeer. Give Mr. Laimbeer a warm, Empire Pro welcome, don’tcha?

[Pop]

JA: Big Bill here is going to watch my back to make sure that creeps like Ron Artest or Ricky Williams don’t try any funny business. I was going to go with Bill Walton, but given that Sweetcheeks recruited Ricky Williams, well I’m glad I went with this guy here.

[Laughter]

MN: Cheap shot! Cheap shot!

DM: Well, you are the expert in that category.

JA: Now, onto more pressing news, some other things happened at Russian Roulette that were a bit, shall I say, notable. The biggest of those was the unveiling of Dis, who happened to be none other than the Queen of the Ring herself, Lindzipan Troy. Of course some people recoil in shock and shock and even more shock and horror that a woman could actually hold the World Championship in a man’s world, but I’m not surprised. She’s a tough competitor, and also, might I add, a world-class harlot. I had fifty-fifty odds that she’d win the title by sleeping with Ryan and getting it awarded to her, but hey, the other result came out. Ya know actually winning the title in the ring. Either way, it’s no shock to me.

MN: He’s disparaging the World Champion! Stop him!

DM: Once again, you are the expert in that category.

JA: Now, I hoped that today, I’d be standing in front of you as the man who would be facing off against our new Champion… or is it Championess… I don’t know, but that’s minor because I’m not the one who’s got the shot. The main reason for that was that Cross beat me at Russian Roulette.

Now, I’m not going to pull any punches here. Cross was the better man that night. However, I’d be remiss if I didn’t have to suffer through all kinds of regret with my actions in that match. Looking back… I may have helped save Cross’ career, but I put a detour in my own because of an overactive conscience.

I wallowed in self-pity for awhile, but then I realized that wasn’t helping. I just had to learn from my mistakes, and now I know. It’s not immoral to target the weak spot. It’s all a part of wrestling. So, that’s my credo from here on in, kick ‘em where it hurts.

Now, normally, that might be in the general area of the testicles, but since my opponent this week doesn’t have large enough ones for me to aim accurately…

[JA’s interrupted by “In Da Club.” Ron Artest comes out with a microphone to mucho heel heat.]

RA: Yo yo yo yo yo check yo’self, Mr. Anglo Luchador. Don’t go writin’ checks that yo’ body can’t cash, cracka. Talkin’ that ish out here after you was carryin’ on backstage with that NORAD bull. Well, while you came out here and left your sweet lil’ Lollipop in the back, well, let’s see what’s gonna happen to her…

DT: Oh no…

[Artest points up to the EmpireTron, where Steve Savoy and Ricky Williams have Lollipop tied up on a chair.]

DT: Those bastards!

MN: Bastards? That’s a little strong for S&M enthusiasts. I never knew Lollipop was into that kind of thing.

DM: I don’t think she’d be that kinky for Savoy and Burnout over there.

SS: Lookie! Lookie! I'VE GOTTA COOKIE!!! Hah, don’t worry, I’m not gonna keep her forever. I just want to borrow her for a bit if you don’t mind. Like a rental or a loaner or something.

[Cut to JA in the ring, dropping his mic and looking at the screen with eyes wider than saucers.]

SS: Now if I could only find some Cool Whip...

[JA bolts out of the ring, Laimbeer following.]

DT: And JA’s out of here like a bat out of hell!

DM: I would be too if my chick was tied up by Steve Savoy and Pot-Pie the Sailor Fag.

DT: Artest is in… AND JA JUST BARRELLED HIM OVER!

DM: You ain’t in the stands in Detroit anymore, Ronnie.

MN: Someone stop him! He’s not allowed to treat an NBA legend like that!

DM: Please Neels, he…

DT: And now Laimbeer is brawling with Artest!

DM: Damn, my ultimate sports what if is coming true right now!

DT: Wait a second, I hear we’ve got a camera crew following JA, let’s cut to that…

[Cut to JA running through the corridors of the New Orleans Arena.]

DT: He’s running like a man possessed!

MN: I don’t see why, unless he’s up for a foursome with two other guys. I find that a little on the homosexual side, but whatever floats the guy’s boat…

DM: You’re an idiot, Neels.

DT: That notwithstanding, we may have some fireworks early, because JA’s at Savoy’s locker room…

[JA busts down the door.]

MN: How rude. He should have knocked first!

[Savoy looks at JA surprised.]

SS: Where's your etiquette, JACKHOLE?! Don’t you know you should knock first?

JA: Where’s Lollipop?

SS: I... don’t know…

[JA grabs Savoy by the throat and balls his other fist up.]

JA: Where’s Lollipop?!

SS: You just missed her…. I think she's smoking Sticky Ricky's peace pipe....

[JA throws Savoy out of his locker room and against the wall.]

DT: Talk about your forceful evictions.

DM: Lawdy Lawdy, he reminds me of my old landlord.

DT: JA’s out, he’s going over to Savoy and… Savoy just tripped him! JA just knocked his head against the wall! Savoy’s up now, he’s laying in one right, two rights, three rights… JA stumbles back…

DM: This is freakin’ sweet. Getting the action started early!

MN: And just think, this all happened because Steve Savoy went out and bagged him a woman!

DT: You’ve outdone yourself tonight Neels.

MN: I try.

DT: That wasn’t a compliment… and now Savoy’s going after JA, he’s got the Anglo Luchador, and whips him down the hallway…

[CRASH!]

DT: OH GOD! JA just crashed into that crate and flipped over on his back!

DM: Well, if having his girlfriend get kidnapped didn’t ruin his day, that did.

MN: I don’t think he should worry. His Lollipop is in a better place.

DT: Stop that Neels! Savoy strutting over like he’s the cock of the walk now, JA’s having a rough time getting up.

DM: Hey, I’d be having a rough time getting up if I just got rammed into that crate like it was the stainless steel grill of a brand new Dodge Ram pickup truck, which you can get at a low APR at your local Dodge dealer.

MN: Will you stop with the shilling? You’re shameless.

DM: Yeah, and paid too.

DT: Savoy’s just yelling at JA right now.

DM: I don’t think that’s smart, but hey, whatever works.

DT: Savoy now bending down to grab JA and… WHAT THE HELL?

[WOOOOOSH!]

DM: HORRY JEBURUS!

DT: Good God! JA just blasted that fire extinguisher into Savoy’s eyes!

MN: That’s not fair! That’s not legal!

DM: Legal? This is a brawl man, everything they’ve done hasn’t been legal technically.

MN: Yeah, but JA should be disqualified!

DM: From what? This isn’t a match.

DT: It’s a damn fight. And now JA’s up. He’s got that fire extinguisher and…

[GONG!]

DM: Goodnight, Irene!

MN: I don’t think he’s ever used that name… I mean SHUT UP!

DT: JA just knocked Steve Savoy upside his head with that fire extinguisher, and now’s he’s just walking away.

MN: Big mistake… I don’t think he knocked Savoy out with that extinguisher shot.

DT: You’re right, Savoy’s getting up, and he’s following JA back to the locker room area.

DM: God, a kidnapper and a stalker. What a psycho.

MN: Hey, you knew what you were getting when he showed up here.

DM: Touché Neels.

DT: Savoy’s charging and…

[CRASH!]

DT: OH MY GOD! Savoy just tackled JA into that crate of Surge!

DM: What the…

MN: I thought they discontinued making that crap.

DT: They did… and I got the last… oh man, that was $400 down the drain. And they’re all covered in Surge…

MN: I’m speechless.

DM: Thank you Jebus… there is a God.

DT: They’re both up and Savoy’s got a broken stake of wood from the crate! He’s about ready to stab JA with it, but the Anglo Luchador is fighting it off!

MN: Brilliant! That’s how you get rid of JA! I knew he was a vampire!

DM: A vampire, Neels?

MN: Yeah, a vampire… because he sucks!

DM: Oh brother…

DT: JA’s grabbing for something, and Savoy won’t relent here, he’s trying to drive a stake into JA’s heart…

[THWAP!]

DT: OH MY… he just clocked the Phenom with that 20 ounce bottle of Surge!

DM: Well Dave, I wouldn’t go for that one when you finally get a chance to get into that stash.

DT: I won’t, and now Savoy’s reeling back, dropped the wood shard… JA’s up, grabs Savoy…

DM: He’s gonna give him the old heave-ho!

DT: …and that’s what he does! JA tosses Savoy up the hallway! Savoy’s rolling… and now it looks like he’s rolling out on his own power away from JA. Now it looks like Savoy’s fumbling for a weapon, and he’s grabbing… that guy’s pants?

DM: I knew he was effeminate but…

MN: Hey, he’s just trying to get up.

DT: And now’s up, and he’s looking at the crew guy, who’s eating a corn dog…

DM: DELICIOUS!

DT: And Savoy just nabbed the corn dog off that guy and… he’s charging JA?

MN: He must know something about JA’s eating habits that we don’t.

DT: He’s charging and he’s shoving the corn dog into JA’s face!

DM: This is getting a little bizarre.

MN: This is a Steve Savoy match. It’s only par for the course.

DM: Touché again, Neels.

DT: Savoy driving that corn dog in JA’s face and… wait, now I see it, he’s got that stick jammed right into JA’s eye! What a sadistic…

DM: …and weird…

DT: I was just going to say that! But now, JA’s getting jammed and now he’s reaching into his pocket…

MN: Perv alert! Perv alert!

DT: No, he’s grabbing a bottle of Surge?

DM: Yeah, I think that’s what it is…

DT: JA BOOTS SAVOY IN THE GUT! And now he’s got the bottle and…

[FWOOOSH! JA sprays the shaken bottle of Surge into Savoy’s face.]

DM: DRINKS FOR EVERYONE!

DT: NOOOO! I WAS GOING TO DRINK THAT!!

MN: Calm down Dave. It’s only Surge.

DT: But I paid… never mind! JA’s charging at Savoy who’s still wiping the soda out of his eyes and… NO! Savoy oléd JA! And now JA can’t stop!

DM: I think he slipped on the residual Surge on the floor.

DT: NOOO! And now JA’s… out of the curtain and back out here in the arena and…

DM: CRRRRRASHIN THE PARTY!

DT: He just rammed right into Artest and Laimbeer who are STILL fighting out here! Artest turns around and lunges at JA, but…

MN: No! Look out behind you Ron!

DT: Laimbeer just grabbed Artest! Now JA’s got a free shot at Ron Artest. He’s winding up and… DM: Do you see this crowd? They want JA to deck the crap out of Artest!

DT: Yeah, but he’s taking his sweet time! He’s still winding up, appealing to the fans but…

MN: It ain’t going down like that! Here comes Sweetcheeks!

DT: Savoy out from the back and he just grabbed JA! Turns him around and… HART ATTACK! HART ATTACK! He just leveled JA with the Hart Attack!

MN: Game over!

DM: Well, JA did get caught up in things a little bit…

DT: Hold the phone! Now Savoy with a Hart Attack on Bill Laimbeer! JA’s entourage has been laid out! And now Savoy’s dragging JA to the ring!

DM: And now Artest is waving to the back.

MN: More reinforcements? Awesome!

DT: I don’t know what he’s waving for, but Savoy’s dragging JA towards the ring. Tosses him in, and now he’s waving to the back.

DM: I don’t know…

DT: Wait a second… here comes a ref!

DM: A ref? Oh man, they want to get this match on now!

DT: This is a bit earlier than scheduled… Savoy stomps JA once, twice, Emilio Gomez slides into the ring…

[DING DING DING!]

DT: Savoy covers…

…one…

…two…

…no! JA kicks out! Savoy picks JA up, he’s going for another Hart… NO! JA shoves him off the ropes, Savoy comes in, JA with a kick to the gut and…

DM: I think it’s time for some HEADA DOROPPINGU!

MN: I HATE it when you say that.

DM: Suck me, Neels.

DT: JA grabs him… and… KARELIN DRIVER! This match is over… wait! No! Artest hops in the ring! He’s in JA’s face!

DM: I think the correct terminology is “all up in JA’s grill.”

DT: Regardless… wait a second… here comes Laimbeer! Bill Laimbeer hops into the ring and tackles Ron Artest! And there’s Gomez, I think he’s had enough!

[DING DING DING]

DM: The question is, who did he have enough of?

DT: I don’t know, but there go Laimbeer and Artest brawling around the ring again, and now JA’s jumping in! He stomps Artest! Now Laimbeer’s up, and he’s grabbing Artest!

DM: We’re gonna see that free shot on Artest!

MN: Not if Steve Savoy has anything to do about it.

DM: Savoy’s out cold…

DT: No he’s not, I don’t see him in the ring at all.

DM: Crap, where’d he go?

DT: JA’s winding up and… no wait, there he is! There’s Steve Savoy! And he’s got a chair! He’s up on the apron and…

[CRACK!]

DT: He just leveled Bill Laimbeer with that chair! My God! The Original Bad Boy is down on the canvas! And… wait, Artest is now in JA’s clutches and…

DM: Yeah!

DT: JA WITH A TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER ON RON ARTEST!

DM: Stick to rap albums and fan brawling!

MN: Hey, he can’t treat an NBA Defensive Player of the Year like that!

DT: Well he just did, and now JA and Savoy are staring each other down, but… wait! Here come the roving band of security.

DM: Aww man, I wanted to see more brawlage.

DT: Well Dean, the match is over and we do have more show to go on.

MN: Yeah, besides, I don’t think Empire could handle having to scrape JA off the canvas tonight.

DT: They’ve got all they got out there! I think it’s going to take that to keep these guys apart. Now that things are settled down, let’s go to Tony Fatora for the official word…

TF: The result of this match is a DOUBLE DISQUALIFICATION!

DM: Well, I guess I can see that.

DT: Yeah, both guys had their NBA lackeys get involved pretty good in this affair.

MN: Bah, Laimbeer started it.

DM: Oh shove it Neels.