DT: Folks, this has certainly been one hell of a night here on Aggression already, and coming up next, we have what could be considered match number one of a double main event.
DM: World Champion versus Intercontinental Champion, but first, we have a grudge match between JA and the biggest surprise in EPW history, newly signed Troy Windham!
MN: Can we really call this match a main event if we already know the outcome?
DT: How do we already know the outcome, Neels?
MN: Because we all three know that Troy Windham is going to bring nothing but sheer pain to JA before he finally ends his misery and pins him to the mat for the three count.
DM: I highly doubt that something that drastic is going to happen here, Neels. Troy Windham is the CSWA Unified World Champion, but JA is no slouch between those ropes. He’s been rather close to a world title himself. He could just as easily win this match.
MN: Whatever, Matthews. Just keep rambling about irrelevant on-goings in other companies. Troy Windham is going to prove why he’s the driving force in EPW here tonight.
[CUE UP: “Beverly Hills” by Weezer. Laser lights pan the entire arena as “The Epitome” Troy Windham makes his way from behind the curtain to HUGE heel heat. August De La Rossi and The Mysterious Zoltan are not far behind. Troy makes his way down the ramp, and waves to the crowd, who quickly let him know of their disdain for him. He still continues as though their jeers were cheers.]
DT: This guy is certainly full of himself, isn’t he? He might be deaf, because I’m not sure if he knows these fans are booing him, rather than cheering him.
MN: Are you kidding me? Troy Windham is simply tuning out all the morons that are booing. If you listen closely, you’ll hear that there are a lot more cheers than boos going on right now.
DT: Well, my ears aren’t the most sensitive in the world, but I’m pretty damn sure the boos outnumber the cheers in this case.
MN: You might see an audiologist about that.
[CUE UP: “Eat the Rich” by Fozzy. JA then enters the arena from behind the curtain to a massive face pop. In the ring, Windham shrugs off JA’s intensity as he sends The Entourage to the outside right after some moral support handshakes and hugs.]
DM: I think that Troy Windham is taking JA as lightly as you were, Neels.
MN: Because that what he should do. This man is no match for the CSWA Unified World Champion.
DM: I thought you just yelled at me for using irrelevant on-goings in other companies.
MN: That I did. But you’re missing the keyword, which is “irrelevant”. Troy Windham is a World Champion! JA had a “shot” at becoming champion. Did he come through on that? Nope. That’s why Troy Windham is the easy pick here.
DT: Well, both men are in the ring now and the ref is keeping them apart. Look at the cockiness on Troy Windham’s face. He thinks he already has this match won.
MN: The only reason he hasn’t is because the bell has yet to ring, Thomas.
[DING DING DING]
DT: Well, there it is now. Let’s see if Troy wins this one as quickly as you say he can, Neels.
MN: Watch and learn.
DT: Here we go. Both men are giving quite the stare here as they edge toward the middle of the ring. Here goes a collar and elbow…
DM: What? JA lunged forward, but Troy Windham just backed right out. What is he doing?
MN: His wrist tape isn’t quite tight enough. You can’t go into a match with loose wrist tape.
DT: And just what makes the difference?
MN: Do you want the man to sprain a wrist? Maybe even break it? That tape is extremely crucial to Troy Windham’s endurance of this match. He’s just simply preventing injury.
DT: Well, it appears that Troy has his tape tight enough now that he’s gripped it a little bit tighter. He’s telling the ref that he’s ready to get this underway again as the ref now steps out of the way. They step to the middle again…
DM: What now?
DT: Troy Windham just hit a knee as JA was lunging for that collar and elbow again. He appears to be looking all over the mat.
MN: I think his contact fell out. Can we get a rain check on this match? Troy Windham can’t compete without being able to see.
DT: This is ridiculous! Can we just get this match underway?
MN: Well, you’re lucky here Thomas. It appears as though Troy has found his contact. Lucky for him too. If he hadn’t, he probably would have missed out on this win after JA rethought what he was about to get himself into by facing Troy Windham.
DM: Alright. I believe that all wrist tape and eye contacts have been secured. We should be getting this one underway now. One more time now they move to the center of the ring…
MN: Wait! We’ve got an untied boot! That is an accident just WAITING to happen. Timeout ref.
DT: Are you kidding me? This is absurd! Troy Windham is obviously not prepared for this match!
MN: Can the man help it that nylon shoe strings don’t tie tightly? Can he help it that LensCrafters hasn’t made a permanent contact lens? This is, quite honestly, nothing more than an ironic turn of events. Troy Windham will not hesitate to beat JA all around this ring, but he cannot risk injury like this.
DM: Okay. Shoes are tied, contacts are secured, and wrist tape is tightened. We’re ready for action.
DT: Both men step to the middle of the ring…
DM: Wait. What is Troy Windham doing now? He’s actually asking the referee to check JA for any unfair advantages that he might have stored in his attire! Is this what it takes to become a world champion?
MN: I’m not really sure on that one, Matthews. Maybe you should ask Troy Windham. He is one, you know.
DT: For Windham to ask for a checking of JA’s attire is ludicrous! There’s no way JA would want to beat the hell out of Windham with anything but his own two hands.
MN: Can you really blame this man for protecting himself? He’s just making sure he and his title don’t incur some sort of fluke loss because of a cheating opponent or unfortunate injury.
DM: Well, he may be setting himself up for a bigger beating that originally planned. You can see the frustration mounting on JA’s face right now. He is going to lay into Windham if he ever gets the chance.
DT: Well, no objects were found. That’s relieving. Now, can we finally get on with this match?
DM: Now what’s he doing? What’s he looking at his wrist for?
MN: He’s obviously got an appointment that he’s supposed to be at. He didn’t think there would be this much pre-match shenanigans by that damn JA. This match should’ve already been over according to Troy’s plans.
DT: Troy Windham is actually leaving the ring! He’s telling The Entourage that it’s time to leave! Look at the look on JA’s face! He is filled with confusion!
DM: Troy Windham is marching right up the ramp! He really does not care about this match! He does not want to face JA here tonight!
MN: Eh, no need to waste his time.
DT: Wait! JA is leaving the ring and charging Troy Windham! He just leveled Zoltan! And now he and De La Rossi are going at it!
DM: But there’s Troy Windham with a low blow from behind! JA hits his knees!
MN: It’s all part of the strategy, Matthews. Troy Windham is too smart for JA.
DT: Well, De La Rossi and Z! are now rolling JA back into the ring as Troy Windham slowly follows him in. JA is up, but Windham quickly catches him with a stiff forearm. He backs JA into the ropes before whipping him across the ring...
DM: Huge lariat by Windham! JA smacked the mat like a pancake on a griddle! But Troy Windham isn’t following up! He’s just wiggling his tongue at some of the girls on the front row!
MN: There’s no rush. Troy can end this match when he wants. Post-match escapades need to be planned before he can actually end this.
DM: Well, that may have been a mistake waiting that long. He makes his way back to JA now though.
DT: Inside cradle by JA!
…kickout by Windham! It was a mistake, Dean!
DM: Both men bounce back up now. Windham charges JA.
DT: Spinning heel kick! JA quickly hits the opposite ropes…
DM: Lionsault! There’s another pin…
…kickout by Windham again!
DT: What about this offense, Neels?
MN: He’s toying with him, Thomas. He’s making the guy feel good about himself.
DT: Well, JA’s staying on the attack. He pulls Windham back to his feet.
DM: Thumb to the eye by Windham! JA is momentarily blinded!
DT: And that allows Windham to catch him with a boot to the midsection, followed by a DDT! There’s pin, but he’s not even hooking the leg! Simple lateral press…
MN: What the hell is going on? Doesn’t JA realize that he’s not supposed to have already lost this match! Someone tell him before he gets hurt!
DT: Well, Windham pulls JA back up again. But there’s a right by JA! Windham strikes back! JA stumbles, but he fires right back! Windham swings back!
DM: Ducked by JA! Windham whirls around to find the Anglo Luchador…
DT: Dropkick! Windham bounces off the ropes…
DM: Clothesline! Windham back up quickly. JA hits the ropes…
DT: Flying forearm! Windham hits the mat and quickly rolls out of the ring! De La Rossi is quickly there to pick him up! He and Windham are now embracing as the crowd rains down on them with some MASSIVE disdain!
MN: Shut up, you morons! Troy Windham is a World Champion! He doesn’t deserve this kind of treatment!
DM: You’re exactly right, Neels! Windham shouldn’t be allowed to take timeouts like this! He’s a World Champion!
DT: Lookout! JA just made a suicide dive right into Troy Windham and The Entourage! Everyone is spilled all over the floor!
MN: Can Troy get a timeout? I can’t believe JA is going to go and break the rules like that! Troy couldn’t have planned for this rule breaking!
DT: Well, JA is slowly back up to his feet and now he’s pulling Troy up too. It doesn’t look like he’s going to get that timeout that he so desperately needs.
DM: JA pulls Troy back up one more time. He backs him into the ropes as he gives him a hard knife-edge chop! And there’s another! JA now pulls Troy to the middle of the ring. Kick to the midsection. And now a standing headscissors…
DT: Butterfly suplex by JA! Amazing strength shown by JA there! There’s a pin…
…three-NO! Windham almost tasted defeat right there!
MN: He’s just using all the time he can to recover. He didn’t plan for this match to be longer than 45 seconds, but this damn JA still thinks he’s going to be able to pull out the impossible or something.
DT: Well, he’s certainly come closer to winning this match than Windham has.
MN: Only because that’s the way Troy wants it to be.
DT: Well, JA is pulling Troy back up here. Wait! Troy quickly slips out!
DM: SlackKnife! NO! JA just managed to slip out! But Troy Windham just said “Hey, it can be over just like that!”
MN: As I just said, Matthews.
DT: Windham quickly charges JA, but the Anglo Luchador ducks a clothesline. He’s got Windham by the chin! And now he drops back, sending the back of Windham’s head into the canvas! We could see a pin here…
DM: Wait a second! August De La Rossi is up on the apron!
DT: But JA sees him! JA catches De La Rossi with a right! And he now pulls him into the ring!
MN: Look out August!
DM: He’s stuck his nose in the wrong place this time!
DT: No! Z! has hold of JA’s foot!
DM: And there comes De La Rossi with a clothesline, sending JA over the top rope!
DT: Damnit! Get them out of here!
MN: JA started it! Disqualify him!
DT: Well, there’s not going to be a DQ, but the referee has just told The Entourage to hit the bricks! They have been banned from ringside!
DM: And De La Rossi does not like this at all! I can’t wait to hear what he says about this later.
MN: He’s going to say how this is a partial referee! This ref wants to see Troy Windham lose and that’s why he didn’t disqualify JA right there!
DT: Well, as the Entourage make their way out of here, Troy Windham has made his way back up to his feet. He heads over to the corner where JA is pulling himself back up.
DM: What is he doing? Troy Windham is lying down in the corner! What is going on?
DT: Well, JA is back up and sliding into the ring, but I’m not sure if he saw Windham get up and then lie back down.
DM: JA is now going to climb the turnbuckle here. He could be looking for a moonsault, but he doesn’t know that Windham isn’t really hurt!
DT: And now Windham gets up! He locks JA up…
DT: No! JA managed to grab hold of the rope and hold on as Windham went crashing to the mat by himself! JA quickly turns back around…
DM: Guillotine leg drop from the second rope! There’s a pin…
…three-NO! Windham just got that shoulder up! JA cannot believe it!
MN: How can he not believe it? This is the CSWA Unified World Champion!
DT: Well, JA’s going to stay on the attack here as he pulls Windham back up again. He quickly catches him in a gutwrench.
DM: It may be the Karelin Driver…
DT: What the hell? Who’s that coming to the ring?
DM: That’s Steve Savoy! What the hell is he doing out here?
DT: JA drops Windham! He catches Savoy with a right, and another, and another! He backs Savoy into the ropes and now whips him across the ring. Savoy rebounds…
DM: Spinning heel kick! Savoy rolls out of the ring…
DT: SlackKnife! Troy Windham just came out of nowhere and nailed the distracted JA with the SlackKnife! There’s the pin…
[CUE UP: “Beverly Hills”]
TF: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner… “The Epitome”… Troy Windham!
DT: Are you kidding me? Troy Windham just saw JA give him one hell of a debut match, yet he still managed to sneak out of here with the win!
MN: That’s why he’s a World Champion, Thomas! He knows how to get the job done!
DM: And look at him! He’s walking around a sharpie, giving autographs now like he knew he was going to win the whole time! Those people don’t even look like they want his autograph!
MN: Of course he knew he was going to win the whole time! Who the hell is JA compared to Troy Windham, anyway?
DT: He’s the man standing in the ring, yelling at Troy Windham that he almost had him defeated.
MN: Almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, Thomas. That’s why Windham has a title and JA doesn’t.
DT: Well, JA is right there telling Windham just how close he was to- Look out!
DM: Savoy is back for some more! He just blindsided JA from nowhere! He now gives JA a German suplex! JA is down!
DT: And now Savoy is laying the boots to JA! JA is helpless! And look at that despicable Savoy trash-talking JA now that he’s down!
DM: Folks, we’ve got to take a break! Our main event is coming up next!